View Full Version : Once a cheater, always a cheater or not?
Kaylinn
10-28-2007, 02:55 PM
the happiest married couples I have ever met were swingers.
I think variety is the key to a long happy marriage.
^Yeah, I tried to talk my ex-husband into us becoming swingers with no success. He was completely against it. Look how we ended up. :P
sprinter
10-28-2007, 05:10 PM
I think once someone cheats on you they will always cheat on you because you let them get away with it.
I don't think it means they will cheat on everyone though.
TheSexKitten
10-28-2007, 11:37 PM
Perhaps...except for those in strictly non-monogamous relationships of course.
Sexual fidelity is quite secondary to emotional loyalty.
I agree.
I would guess that the number of cheaters in the population is extremely high, because, well... it's very natural for members of the human species to continually seek out sexual partners. Our natural mating habits resemble something a little more like deer, and mating for life has always been a little bit against the grain.
However, the part of our humanness that we can take pride in is the part that says we can overcome instinct or urge or habit in order to respect the ones we love. I believe some people are more inclined to cheat than others, too. Not to mention that cheating really = anything that is done behind the partner's back that is not o.k. so the definition itself has some innate flexibility.
I;d like to repeat whoever said morals shift. They're not only personal, but cultural.
I did something that was almost like cheating (gray area) and my bf was extremely hurt. I know he has and never would do ANYTHING to cheat on me, even though I'd be much less hurt than I think he would be in the same situation. So, cheating is lame and weak IMO and for people who don't have the balls to ask for an open relationship or break things off altogether. It's a mistake and I think people can change, but it's a very deep result of a set of character traits rather than an isolated action/mistake.
jaizaine
10-29-2007, 12:16 AM
My theory is that people are wired for this genetically, but that birth control has changed the risk factors. Pre-birth control history, extra-marital sex could all too easily end in unwanted children. If you have a partner, raising a child, you know what a terrible mess it can turn into if your partner has more kids outside of the relationship. It means they will spend less resources and attention on the kids you have together, and on you.
These days though, well you could have quite a lot of sex with others with little risk of having unwanted kids to care for. Of course even so, people still skip the protection in the heat of the moment, and it happens... a relationship between two can become very complex and messy quick when an unwanted pregnancy happens.
But I do agree, I really don't think people are monogamous at heart. At least not over the long run. It does seem that they are able to do so for a while before they grow bored and want other partners.
Xdamage do u have a background in psychology or sociology? Just curious because my undergraduate degree was a major in psych and minor in sociology and what you wrote sounds exactly like something that I was taught in both disciplines.
Corgan
10-29-2007, 01:30 AM
i was a cheater. then i met d. he's the first boy i haven't cheated on... and i have no desire to.
Kaylinn
10-29-2007, 01:38 AM
I thin k some people are wired for monogomy and some aren't.
I am. I haven't had the slightest interest in another man in years.
My boyfriend, hwoever...isn't wired for monogomy. He only won't cheat because of loyality, but his desire to is there.
So what so you do when you have a partner no wired for monogomy?
Conform or leave.
So I let him bring home girl or have threesomes or go to strip clubs and get dances.
He's happy he gets variety, I'm happy he don't cheat behind my back.
All I ask is he let me know before hand.
If I find out after the fact it's hell to pay, and if you lie, it's over.
xdamage
10-29-2007, 05:59 AM
Xdamage do u have a background in psychology or sociology? Just curious because my undergraduate degree was a major in psych and minor in sociology and what you wrote sounds exactly like something that I was taught in both disciplines.
Psych, from long ago, but these days I design and write computer software. No, my interest is just personal, from reading the likes of Dawkins, and Pinker, the gist of it is pretty simple. The basic idea is if you want to understand human behavior, you have to consider their genes. Depending on who/what you are talking about, it's called evolutionary psychology or sociobiology. I'm 99% sure it will increasingly becoming mainstream in colleges in the next few years.
Anyway, that's how I try to look at human behavior and try to understand why people do what they do. Of course there are always exceptions, people who behave unusually, but the premise is pretty simple - overall patterns of human behavior have genetic underpinnings. What has made things particularly confusing though is a vast number of technological inventions in the last hundred years or so (like cheap safe birth control). Also it seems people today are confused why people of the past behaved as they did often because they forget they didn't have these inventions. In this case, take away birth control, DNA testing, relatively safe abortions... it's really no wonder then that societies have grown strong taboos about sex when the risk of sex through out most of history is unwanted children, and no DNA tests to prove who the father is.
changed my life. I reread it weekly to remind myself what I'm dealing with.
Vyanka
10-29-2007, 07:13 AM
It's one thing if the cheater is young and doesn't know any better. But if you're a gorwn ass adult who should know better, than no... they'll never change. In my eyes at least. I would not be able to trust the guy, been there,done that, & regret it.
xdamage
10-29-2007, 08:04 AM
Sperm Wars (http://www.amazon.com/Sperm-Wars-Science-Robin-Baker/dp/0788160044) changed my life. I reread it weekly to remind myself what I'm dealing with.
Thanks, I'm going to read that one.
Svelt
10-29-2007, 11:53 AM
changed my life. I reread it weekly to remind myself what I'm dealing with.
Yeah this does sound like a worthy read.
Once a cheater, always a cheater
If you are in a monogomous relationship and you cheat, you have demonstrated a lack of respect for your partner, your relationship and yourself.
That doesn't change, it is in you or it isn't.
My opinion.
I've never cheated myself and to my knowledge have never been cheated on, but I've heard enough horror stories from girlfriends to not want to be on either side of the spectrum.
I do believe, however, that a cheater can change, but they have to want to. I doubt that very many do, but anything is possible.