View Full Version : Pregnant and the baby's father...
Dottie Rebel
11-18-2007, 04:02 PM
But if he never wants to have kids, I'm just curious - has he considered a vasectomy? (if this is too personal, forgive me, you don't have to answer.) If I were in your position, I might want us to consider this as a couple, since I have always had problems dealing with the side effects of the pill. Then again, if I were certain that I NEVER wanted to have children, I might consider other, more permanent options for myself (getting my tubes tied, etc).
He doesn't want to. Why? I honestly have no idea. But there's no way in hell I'm going to pressure him into it. And if you know a doctor that will sterilize a 27 year old woman who has never given birth please give me his/her number.
I'm just saying that if guys in non-committed relationships want no strings attached sex with the most minimal possibility of complications like unwanted pregnancy (as this guy obviously did)...well, it would behoove them to take some extra precautions.
I did not get the impression that this was no-strings attached, non-committed sex. I got the impression that they were in a relationship together. Married or not, I don't think that makes a damn bit of difference. Most people trust the people they are in a relationship with...or they wouldn't be.
Jenny
11-18-2007, 04:41 PM
I'm sorry, help me out with this. Did you tell him that you were on birth control, and then not tell him you went off? Or did he just assume that you were on birth control when you weren't?
I found out 2 days ago I am pregnant. My boyfriend just found out a week ago that I wasn't taking birth control. He's been mad at me about it and will not see me until I have my period. He is saying I have been deceitful to him. I keep telling him that with all the meds I take and stress I am under I didn't think my body was fertile with all the meds. So he's really been hurting me a lot by telling me things like "if you're so lonely go play with your baby." So the day I found out I was pregnant (monday) I called him and told him I needed to talk and it was important. He says "You want to tell me your pregnant and if you are I don't even want you to tell me, I don't want to know." Then today I asked him again and he says "Maybe...maybe not." But then told me he just doesn't want to see me because of the whole birth control thing and he will not have sex with me anymore, and added that I better "Hope to God I'm not pregnant". He told me last week if I'm pregnant he will make me have an abortion.
What's pissing me off is he is 31 and has a 10 year old. He married his sons mom and the marriage lasted 5 years. So I don't understand why he is being so mean to me at 31 years old and he's already been through this.
So I am here for advice. I told him it's my body and I'll do what I want. But I am scared to tell him that I'm pregnant. I am considering not telling him and just going to get an abortion this week. I have no idea how to deal with this. I've been sitting at home ever since I found out just thinking of what options I have and whether or not to tell him. I just feel by telling him he will only say more hurtful things and make it worse.
Nicolina
11-18-2007, 04:41 PM
He doesn't want to. Why? I honestly have no idea. But there's no way in hell I'm going to pressure him into it. And if you know a doctor that will sterilize a 27 year old woman who has never given birth please give me his/her number.
Fair enough. See, I didn't know that it was so hard to find a doctor who would be willing to tie your tubes. Wow. Can we say, "paternalistic attitude toward women"???
Dottie, from everything I've read here, you seem to have an amazing relationship that I am sure many of us find enviably healthy and successful. So, I hope you understand that I had no intention of criticizing your personal decisions.
I did not get the impression that this was no-strings attached, non-committed sex. I got the impression that they were in a relationship together. Married or not, I don't think that makes a damn bit of difference. Most people trust the people they are in a relationship with...or they wouldn't be.
I guess we just read it differently, then. She didn't give us all that much to go on. Possibly, like Kat suggested, I was projecting in some way. I dunno. :shrug:
Dottie Rebel
11-18-2007, 05:34 PM
Fair enough. See, I didn't know that it was so hard to find a doctor who would be willing to tie your tubes. Wow. Can we say, "paternalistic attitude toward women"???
Dottie, from everything I've read here, you seem to have an amazing relationship that I am sure many of us find enviably healthy and successful. So, I hope you understand that I had no intention of criticizing your personal decisions.
Oh, I know doll. Rereading my post I sounded kinda bitchy! I tend to cuss like a sailor for no real reason and it makes me sound like a bitch even when I don't mean it. Haha.
And yeah--it is notoriously difficult for women (of any age, really) without children to get long term birth control. There've been a few itneresting threads on here about it. It took me over a year to search out someone in my city who would give me an IUD! I decided against it for various reasons, but...yeah. My body is a fucking prison.
And thanks for what you said about my marriage. I guarantee you I earned it honestly. Whew. We've had a hell of a ride. :D
ExoticEngineer
11-18-2007, 07:24 PM
How old is this girl? Do we know?
Terrible situation for her to be in...wether it was self inflicted or not.
Dottie Rebel
11-18-2007, 07:34 PM
24 according to her myspace. As I stated in my first post in this thread, that is old enough to know better.
jasmine
11-19-2007, 08:23 AM
I'm not saying that the OP's decision to stop taking the pill was a good or responsible one, but it sounds as though she genuinely believed that she couldn't conceive, and didn't intend to get pregnant in order to "trap" him.
She may not have thought it was likely she would get pregnant, but that doesn't absolve her of the responsibility of mentioning that she discontinued a prior agreed upon method of birth control.
My son is still nursing, so it is very unlikely that I could conceive, but would that make it okay for me to discontinue birth control without mentioning it to my husband?
If he had a vasectomy and decided to have it reversed without telling her I guarantee most of us would be ready to lynch him.
ExoticEngineer
11-19-2007, 08:34 AM
Seriously. Flip it around a bit. I'm not intending this post to harp on this girl any more than this thread has, but making a point about jumping on the guys case over this.
Let's say a guy takes his condom off before sex. Girl contracts an STD, that could be cured but it would be very difficult or she could just live with it and accept she'll always have an STD.
The guy would have his balls removed and fed to him on a nice plate of "You're Screwed".
ACK! I just re read this, and ladies, I am in NO WAY saying having a baby is the same as getting an STD, simply using it as an example of something that can happen with un protected sex, and trying to find an example different than getting pregnant.
AudreyLeigh
11-19-2007, 10:08 AM
And if you know a doctor that will sterilize a 27 year old woman who has never given birth please give me his/her number.
Which is total BS since men dont need to be a certin age or have a certain number of children to get sterilized. Suck a double standard. THAT irritates me to no end! Im sure theres doctors out there - its just finding them is hard.
Why do you have to have a certain amount of pregnancies/kids/abortions to know you want no more kids (or none in the first place)?
Then again I was dead set against having another child but now that Im pregnant its a whole different story.... I really wanted to get fixed but Im now soooo glad I didnt.
And I thought you can get it done childless once you hit 25 years of age.
See what I meant about cant stay away from this damn thread?! Ahhhhhhhh
Edit: Hey Dottie- if you wanna take a quick trip to France - you only have to be 18 to get sterilized. No law against number of children... :)
Dottie Rebel
11-19-2007, 10:19 AM
^^^Wouldn't that be lovely! Feed two birds with one loaf!
Lola Rose
11-19-2007, 11:05 AM
^^^Wouldn't that be lovely! Feed two birds with one loaf!
i <3 that expression! I've never heard it before, but I've always thought the kill 2 birds.... expression was not nice :)
Dottie Rebel
11-19-2007, 11:07 AM
Haha...thanks. I just made it up just now. I usually say "kill two bird hunters with one stone" but I like this one even better!
It's not always that easy for guys either. When my dad was 27 he had to practically beg on his knees to get a vasectomy. He tried six doctors before he found one tht would do it. And he had five kids!
Jenny
11-23-2007, 01:32 AM
Hey Audrey - I'd be surprised if there was a law against sterilization of a younger woman. It's a policy issue. They are concerned about performing a non-therapeutic, invasive procedure that cannot be reversed on a subject that people are kind of notorious for changing their minds about (I'm not saying anyone here would - just that a lot of people do). I mean... maybe there is something to that? And while the procedure for men CAN be reversed, I would think that maybe doctors should be a little more careful that men aren't making reproductive choices that they'll regret, not less careful with women.
Birth control is reliable. He had every decent ethical position to rely on it if she told him without a sterilization that she was controlling her fertility. I mean, imagine it the other way for a moment - that he assures her that he put the condom on, and then halfway through rolls it off when she won't notice. Would we seriously apportion blame to her? You can't go around telling people you are protected when you are not. That is highly, highly immoral and any sane person would be extremely angry.
Can I ask though - what is with younger women being so careless with condoms? Is it because AIDS just isn't real to you, or because it isn't novel, so it seems like a normal risk to take to have sex?
Which is total BS since men dont need to be a certin age or have a certain number of children to get sterilized. Suck a double standard. THAT irritates me to no end! Im sure theres doctors out there - its just finding them is hard.
Why do you have to have a certain amount of pregnancies/kids/abortions to know you want no more kids (or none in the first place)?
Then again I was dead set against having another child but now that Im pregnant its a whole different story.... I really wanted to get fixed but Im now soooo glad I didnt.
And I thought you can get it done childless once you hit 25 years of age.
See what I meant about cant stay away from this damn thread?! Ahhhhhhhh
Edit: Hey Dottie- if you wanna take a quick trip to France - you only have to be 18 to get sterilized. No law against number of children... :)
blayze
11-23-2007, 01:41 AM
uh... gotta point out that she found out she was preggo two days prior to the op, and had not been taking her birth control for that week... and in order for a pregnancy test to come up positive, you usually have to be more than one week pregnant.
so regardless of the fact that she stopped taking her birth control, she was pregnant before that anyway, and even had she continued to take it it would have had no effect on her whatsoever, other than the mood swings that she said she had. more than likely whatever medications she was on interfered with her birth control, most psych meds will screw with birth control anway, as will most other common medications that people would take on a daily basis. why her pharmacists and drs didnt tell her this and suggest alternatives is beyond me.
so... yeah, her bf definately has a right to be super pissed about the failure to share birth control information, he can't be really pissed about the pregnancy when that was a risk that he took when he decided to sitck it in her in the first place.
blayze
11-23-2007, 01:47 AM
*oops*
AudreyLeigh
11-23-2007, 10:58 AM
My boyfriend just found out a week ago that I wasn't taking birth control
Who knows how long she wasnt on it. It was just a week ago that he found out. Wish it was as simple as she stopped taking it a week ago.
NinaDaisy
11-23-2007, 01:20 PM
Can I ask though - what is with younger women being so careless with condoms? Is it because AIDS just isn't real to you, or because it isn't novel, so it seems like a normal risk to take to have sex?
Ugh. Tell me about it. I know I've posted to this effect many times. I still can't get a reliable answer. There must be a lot of rampant "Oh, it can't happen to me" thought going on.
And yeah, it's does seem mostly endemic among younger (under 25) girls.
You were also right about birth control being reliable. Oftentimes when it fails it's the result of human error. Although I did get pregnant on the Pill when I was 21 (didn't keep it) even though I never missed one.
Someone has to be the 1% that gets knocked up I guess. :O
AudreyLeigh
11-23-2007, 01:32 PM
Well, on the condom front. If youve been in a relationship with one person that you love and trust I see no need for using condoms as a STD preventative.
My guy and I dont use condoms - were not worried about STDs because weve both been tested and are only with eachother. And on the BC front - I for one cant complain about baby because I wasnt on BC. Ummm DUH. hehe.... then again I wanted a baby. We werent trying but we werent NOT trying.
But if youre really worried about babies do what my lil bro and wife have been doing since day 1. Shes on the pill AND they use condoms AND spermicide. When I got knocked up at 16 it scared the HELL out of him!!!!
VenusGoddess
11-24-2007, 05:54 AM
Who knows how long she wasnt on it. It was just a week ago that he found out. Wish it was as simple as she stopped taking it a week ago.
She wasn't taking it for a long time, from what I gather. She's probably a few weeks preggers...and her BF just found out a week ago (at the time of the OP) that she wasn't on BC.
I can see how he would feel angry. But, at the same time, he shares that irresponsible responsibility 50/50 as he was willing to have unprotected sex...regardless of whether or not she was actually on BC. If she was on BC when they met and began having sex...and stopped during that time without telling him...then that's blatant dishonesty and he has every right to feel angry. Doesn't change the circumstances, but it does add validity to his anger.
Whether or not he wanted a child (eventually) with this girl...doesn't change the fact that he probably would have wanted to the chance to say, "Yes, let's have a kid..." as opposed to thinking she's on BC and she springs on him, "Hey, I'm not on BC...but aside from the I'm preggers." That's a lot to digest and even if he eventually supports the pregnancy...I couldn't blame him for feeling angry.
Alaska
11-24-2007, 07:37 AM
I have to wonder: was he pulling out? cumming w.o. mercy inside of you every freakin time? wanted to pull out but you forced him not to/talked him out of it? sounds like you might have been, he prob already got some kind of indication from you that you wanted a baby.
i agree with Nina Daisy, everyone who agreed with her, and with Sirona for wondering why so many people have called him a jerkoff.
In an opposite world, where men got pregnant, I'd have some WAY CHOICE WORDS to say to someone that ignorant.
Ignorant is also "taking meds and stressed out and not thinking I'm fertile" then being straight dumbfounded. duhhhh
Alaska
11-24-2007, 08:51 AM
Does anyone else open threads like this, see that it's 5 pages long, read the first few sentences, and just want to rub their hands together and go "ooooooohhhh this is gonna be gooooood."
No disrespect there, but I mean it.