View Full Version : Have you ever been raped?
Flick6
03-23-2008, 10:16 PM
Deep breath....ok...... i was *gulp* raped. i have never admitted that to myself.
the guy was a friend of a friend who liked me. he said he needed to talk, so i told him we could sit out on my porch.
as soon as he got to my house he pushed his way into the house, and i should have known he was gonna start some some shit.
after we talked for a few minutes he forced me into the wall, kissing me and groping. i tried to tell him to stop, but his mouth was over mine.
at this point i didnt know he was serious, and figured he would stop soon. he didn't and carried me into my room, pulled up my skirt, and attempted oral on me.
i pushed him away, and ran. he caught me, threw me on the bed, and sat on me.
he put his dick in my face, and i put my teeth on it. his raised his hand and said he would slap the shit out of me if i bit him.
from there it's blurry......but i do know at some point since i had had so many sex partners before him, i said "what the fuck? what's one more?" and stopped fighting him.
it was new years.
i later found out he had a disease, and was going around raping younger girls.
i also later found out he had given me an std not hiv, but i still think about it everyday, that why didn't i take him serious? why didn't i fight him like i was fighting for my life?
im tramatized and angry, and im just now realizing it. wow.
I am so sorry this happened to you. It is not your fault that he did it, ot your fault that you didn't "fight back" or "take it seriously", why would anyone seriously expect their friend to hurt them so badly. It is HIS fault for not stopping when you said no.HIS FAULT. Our minds do strange things when we are in fear and being traumatized.Telling yourself ":its just one more" is how you survived that horrific moment, but it doesn't mean you LET it happen.
When I was raped, I couldn't even fight, I just lay there uncomprehending that a trusted friend would not be noticing that I was crying and asking him to stop, urgh, he tried to get me into it by going down on me, I think I have just realized why I can't orgasm with oral sex.
Big hugs for you, maybe it might help to ring up a sexual assault hotline and talk it through with someone, see if they can recommend some resources (counseling or something) that might help you.
fancygirl
03-23-2008, 10:18 PM
:grouphug:
there's really a special part in hell for rapists.
sometimes I wish my superpower was to go around torturing and killing rapists without being stopped.
kikidejavu
03-23-2008, 10:36 PM
thank you. i think now that i realize it and accept it, i can start healing from it. but right now i cant really see the screen for crying. i'll be ok tho.
Flick6
03-23-2008, 10:44 PM
Just more hugs. I think you're right, knowing that it happened is the first step to getting better.
mizzou
03-23-2008, 10:46 PM
thank you. i think now that i realize it and accept it, i can start healing from it. but right now i cant really see the screen for crying. i'll be ok tho.
i actually am breaking down into tears right now, i feel bad you had to go through this and understand why many of get upset for us guys joining this forum.
my support is out to you guys, but if you guys dont want me around let me know, i will respect your wish
kikidejavu
03-24-2008, 12:00 AM
^ no, stay. all good vibes are welcome
mizzou
03-24-2008, 01:07 AM
^ no, stay. all good vibes are welcome
thanks kikidejavu for letting me stay:)
stellaforstars
03-24-2008, 07:49 AM
:hug: for kiki. I know there are no words I can say to make it better, but I want you to know that you have my support.
As for me...my rapist (the first one) tracked me down a couple of days ago. Showed up on my mother's doorstep looking for me to A). Ask me to stop "lying" about what happened, and B). Ask if I wanted to hang out sometime soon, because he missed me.
I can't allow it to sink in. I'm afraid I'll fall apart...That night I took so many pills it was close to an overdose. How did he even know where I was? I told him if I saw him again I would call the cops, but I'm terrified he'll keep coming to find me. This is such bad timing.
hardkandee
03-24-2008, 07:55 AM
^OMG. That's terrifying. Are you able to get a restraining order to keep him away from you?
stellaforstars
03-24-2008, 08:18 AM
I'm looking into it today.
RoseLeigh
03-24-2008, 10:41 AM
I'm looking into it today.
Thank god, honey. I'm so sorry this guy still exists, but remember-it's him that needs not to exist, not you. *hugs* I'll steal you to NJ if I have to.
Mimi NY
03-24-2008, 11:18 AM
What I've found very upsetting recently is the number of my male friends who were abused as kids. Not something we think about so often, men as victims, but it's sad.
I remember a (very close) friend revealing to me he was raped and I felt so sad, sadder for him than for me, because I felt like I was OK, I could deal with it, I was used to filth, but for him well, he never spoke about it, was deeply disturbed by it, and screwed up about his sexuality and identity, it was all locked up inside him, boiling away, and he pretended for years and years it was OK when it wasn't.... We all have different coping mechanisms I guess.
We never spoke about it again after the one time he broke down. That made me sad. What can you do?
Perry
03-24-2008, 12:33 PM
A friend of mine got a phone call earlier this week, his friend was sobbing so hystaricaly the only word he could make out was rape. Her boyfriend she'd just broken up with called and said he needed to talk. When she got to his place he beat her, raped her and droped her off at a pizza place after it was over.
He drove her to a hospital, but they didn't have the rape kit available so he had to take her to a different city. When they got there the Dr. took her back, gave her the kit, and then accused my friend of being the rapist. They said they needed a seamen sample to make sure it wasn't him because apparently sometimes the rapist will be the one who takes the girl to the hospitol. He had to jerk off into a cup while a nurse watched.
A few days later the bf broke into my friends house and stabbed him in his kitchen. It sucks, I'm beyound gratefull that he's okay. And that the bf is finally getting delt with, but things like this make it very, very hard to report a rape. On top of everything the girl is dealing with already, her friend got acused and attacked.
I've had a few "I was so drunk" moments and been afraid to talk about them. After this happened, it sort of makes me feel releived that I never did anything about it. There have been times I would have said No, demanded a condom or otherwise been more careful, but was persuaded to do different. Police, nurses, doctors, the court system, and nearly EVERYONE needs to have some empathy, compassion and common sense when dealing with these situations.
8eyespyder
03-24-2008, 01:09 PM
I;ve had a few boyfriends who have been molested. And I had a male friend who had been raped. It happens but it's not as talked about with men--which is really sad.
mizzou
03-24-2008, 01:29 PM
i am sure you probably thought this out already, but has anyone brought a best friend with them, when walking out by yourself just to make sure nothing happens
la429
03-24-2008, 02:42 PM
I guess I was sexually assaulted when I was about 15 or16. I was with a boy that I had went to rehab with and we were really good friends. He snuck into my bed room one night and wanted to have sex with me. I wanted to fool around but I didn't want to have sex. He called me a tease and names and threatened to wake up my Mother if I didn't have sex with him. So one thing led to another and he walked out of my front door at 3am making as much noise as possible. So after the weekend he was in front of my high school asking my best friend where I was. I got so spooked that I signed myself out of school because I was scared of him. I was so angry because I really liked him and I never understood why he could have done that to me. I always wanted to see him when I get older so I could ask him "Why?"
Rape/assault is such a horrible and personal thing. You go through so many emotions. Sadness, anger, guilt and resentment among others. Some of us never even tell anyone.
I was so drunk one time when I was around 14 that I don't remember if I was raped. All I know is I remember someone on top of me and then I was left on the front lawn for the ambulance. When I went to the ER they told my Mother that it didn't physically seem like I was penetrated. I also had my period so that might have saved me.
I really like SW it's nice to chat about anything that is on my mind and know that there is someone out there who gives a shit!
AngelEyezXYZ
03-24-2008, 03:14 PM
This whole thread has made me so sad. And it has made me think about my own experiences, of which there are too many to count. My entire life has been filled with really "weird" situations, some I've just started remembering within the past year or so, but none of which I ever thought were abnormal until reading this thread today.
I remember being exposed to sexual imagery at a very young age. I found a nude magazine in the back of my father's car when I was about three or so, and when I told my mother about the magazine, she and my father asked me to show them what I saw. So I stood in my room naked, spreading my legs and touching myself like the girls in the magazine were. And they stood there watching me put myself into all these really nasty positions. I never thought much of it until now.
Then I also remember my mother playing with my clitoris when I was a little girl. We had this blanket that you could pull cotton off of and ball it up, and she would take little balls of cotton off the blanket and stroke me with it. It was stimulating and I liked it, so I often asked her to do it. So again, I thought nothing of that until today. I did ask for it, right? But at the same time I would never do that to a child. I just don't know. I mean I was three years old.
But the worst part of it is that I, at three or four, would try to get my even younger female cousin to do sexual things with me, similar to the things I'd seen in magazines and similar to what my mother was doing to me. I'm so disgusted right now.
There is so much more. But to me, compared to the stories I've read here, it's absolutely nothing. I don't feel affected by it in any way, but I just don't know... it's kind of scary.
kikidejavu
03-24-2008, 03:32 PM
yea this thread made me look back too, and explore some things i thought werent bothering me. im glad you dont feel affected by it, and i hope you never do, but please do take the time to examine it, and your feelings about it, because it may be worth the time.
PaigeDWinter
03-24-2008, 09:13 PM
TOO, stop acting like the mod here. It isn't your place.
All Good Things
03-24-2008, 09:24 PM
^ When I wrote that particular post, I thought you were gone, e.g. off the site and not around. It was just a placeholder until you could be found. :)
Flick6
03-24-2008, 10:41 PM
This whole thread has made me so sad. And it has made me think about my own experiences, of which there are too many to count. My entire life has been filled with really "weird" situations, some I've just started remembering within the past year or so, but none of which I ever thought were abnormal until reading this thread today.
I remember being exposed to sexual imagery at a very young age. I found a nude magazine in the back of my father's car when I was about three or so, and when I told my mother about the magazine, she and my father asked me to show them what I saw. So I stood in my room naked, spreading my legs and touching myself like the girls in the magazine were. And they stood there watching me put myself into all these really nasty positions. I never thought much of it until now.
Then I also remember my mother playing with my clitoris when I was a little girl. We had this blanket that you could pull cotton off of and ball it up, and she would take little balls of cotton off the blanket and stroke me with it. It was stimulating and I liked it, so I often asked her to do it. So again, I thought nothing of that until today. I did ask for it, right? But at the same time I would never do that to a child. I just don't know. I mean I was three years old.
But the worst part of it is that I, at three or four, would try to get my even younger female cousin to do sexual things with me, similar to the things I'd seen in magazines and similar to what my mother was doing to me. I'm so disgusted right now.
There is so much more. But to me, compared to the stories I've read here, it's absolutely nothing. I don't feel affected by it in any way, but I just don't know... it's kind of scary.
I just wanted to say that there is no comparing sexual assaults and saying that anyone's is worse. It sounds like you were sexually assaulted by both your parents, and that is a huge betrayal.
Often we don;pt feel emotions with traumatic events because we simply cannot deal with how confusing it was, so we block out the emotion. It kind of sounds like you must of blocked out that it even happened in a sense. Please don;t be cross with the little girl that you were for "playing" those "games" with your little cousins. You were a child and you were doing what your PARENTS taught you was ok. Now you are an adult and it sounds to me like you would not consider doing those things to a child. Its just tragic that none of THEIR parents wondered what was going on with you that you were acting so sexually at such a young age. :(
Must be something in the air today, my boyfriend has been breaking down all day recalling the abuse he suffered by an uncle and then later by an auntie. both of whom forced him to perform oral sex on them.
Wow this thread is hard to read.
LilyLove
03-25-2008, 05:08 AM
Deep breath....ok...... i was *gulp* raped. i have never admitted that to myself.
the guy was a friend of a friend who liked me. he said he needed to talk, so i told him we could sit out on my porch.
as soon as he got to my house he pushed his way into the house, and i should have known he was gonna start some some shit.
after we talked for a few minutes he forced me into the wall, kissing me so hard and groping. i tried to tell him to stop, but his mouth was over mine.
at this point i still didnt know he was serious, and figured he would stop soon. he didn't and carried me into my room, pulled up my skirt, and attempted oral on me.
i pushed him away, and ran. he caught me, threw me on the bed, and sat on me.
he put his dick in my face, and i put my teeth on it. his raised his hand and said he would slap the shit out of me if i bit him. no man had ever raised a hand to me, and for the first time, i was scared. i remembered he said that if he wanted me to "taste his dick" then i was gonna taste it.
from there it's blurry......but i do know at some point since i had had so many sex partners before him, i said "what the fuck? what's one more?" and stopped fighting him.
it was new years.
i later found out he had a disease, and was going around raping younger girls.
i also later found out he had given me an std not hiv, but i still think about it everyday, that why didn't i take him serious? why didn't i fight him like i was fighting for my life?
im tramatized and angry, and im just now realizing it. wow.
I am so angry and sad for you Kiki. I know how difficult and terrifying it is to realize what you have been through and how hard it is to work through it once you are aware.
LilyLove
03-25-2008, 05:17 AM
I am so sorry this happened to you. It is not your fault that he did it, ot your fault that you didn't "fight back" or "take it seriously", why would anyone seriously expect their friend to hurt them so badly. It is HIS fault for not stopping when you said no.HIS FAULT. Our minds do strange things when we are in fear and being traumatized.Telling yourself ":its just one more" is how you survived that horrific moment, but it doesn't mean you LET it happen.
When I was raped, I couldn't even fight, I just lay there uncomprehending that a trusted friend would not be noticing that I was crying and asking him to stop, urgh, he tried to get me into it by going down on me, I think I have just realized why I can't orgasm with oral sex.
Big hugs for you, maybe it might help to ring up a sexual assault hotline and talk it through with someone, see if they can recommend some resources (counseling or something) that might help you.
Thank you for writing what you wrote.
I'm getting better and better every day, and I've healed more and more since I first posted this thread.
:grouphug: But I have to say, Flick, that it helped me so much to read what you've written here. :grouphug:
LilyLove
03-25-2008, 05:23 AM
:hug: for kiki. I know there are no words I can say to make it better, but I want you to know that you have my support.
As for me...my rapist (the first one) tracked me down a couple of days ago. Showed up on my mother's doorstep looking for me to A). Ask me to stop "lying" about what happened, and B). Ask if I wanted to hang out sometime soon, because he missed me.
I can't allow it to sink in. I'm afraid I'll fall apart...That night I took so many pills it was close to an overdose. How did he even know where I was? I told him if I saw him again I would call the cops, but I'm terrified he'll keep coming to find me. This is such bad timing.
I am so sorry Stella. I wish there were something I could do. Just know that every day I am thinking about you.
Paris
03-25-2008, 01:55 PM
I was raped when I was 16 and didn't tell anyone about it for years. Why? Because I was at a house party and had been drinking (probably too much) when the rape occurred. I figured the misery of dealing with the rape alone was way better than the punishment that would come down for going against my parents and going to a party where I was drinking.
I don't think I could have dealt with my punishment for having broken the rules. My parents weren't exactly sympathetic or understanding when it came to any bad behavior on the part of their children.
The funny thing is, I did learn my lesson. I didn't drink a single drop until after I turned 21. I doubt that would have been the case if I had been "grounded" (read, solitary confinement except for school. That is how I spent the majority of my childhood::)). I would have sought out drugs and alcohol as solace.
Morgan_TX
03-25-2008, 03:32 PM
I was raped for the first time when I was 11, by a 17-year-old boy from a neighborhing town. Word travelled quickly through my hometown. From the time I was about 12 until I was 16, I was raped regularly and by many different guys. I tried pressing charges once (against a guy who was 27), but it caused so many problems with my parents and I was blamed for it.
I remember being raped in front of about 7 males and 2 females one Halloween night. I remember being strangled and hit by a guy at school who was angry that I confessed to my friend (who was thinking of dating him) that he had raped me; I got suspended from school for telling her about it, and my parents said, "That's what happens when you date a black guy."
I didn't have consensual sex with anyone until I was 16, but I had a reputation for being a slut. Worse, the rumors all said, "She likes to play hard-to-get, but she never really means it. She really loves sex." After the first few times, I just stopped fighting altogether. I would guess that in those four years, I was probably raped by a different guy at least once or twice a month, on average. A couple of months ago, three of the guys that had been there for that Halloween walked into my stripclub (and one of those guys had actually raped me) and tipped me on-stage.
Then I got into a relationship after my first marriage broke up with a guy who was VERY abusive, physically and sexually. He's the one who still gives me nightmares.
Then a couple of summers ago, I went out with a friend's brother-in-law one night. He and his wife had been separated for months, and we slept together (consensually). During the week after we were together, he reconciled with his wife. The next weekend he came to see me. He told me he wanted to go "riding around" to explain things to me about why he reconciled with his wife. I told him there was nothing to explain, etc. To make a long story short, he insisted that he wanted to tell me what happened, and I got into his pickup because I knew that his wife would kill ME if she found his truck outside my house. We ended up in the country about 5 miles outside of town, and he was drinking a lot more than I realized. He raped me vaginally and anally. That was probably the most violent rape I ever had.
The next night, his wife "called me out" of my friend's house. I stood on the front lawn as she yelled profanities at me, and I was polite and respectful and didn't argue with her when she accused me of f***ing her man. She (luckily, because this was one BIG scary woman) tired of me and stormed off. I returned to my friend's living room and sat down. He came in and said, "What were you thinking, sleeping with him?" By now I was crying. I looked at him and said, "It wasn't consensual." He asked me why I took the verbal beating and threats from the wife. I said, "If I told the truth, she wouldn't believe me anyways, so what's the point?" He agreed.
I've kind of come to the point where these stories don't bother me anymore. Sometimes I'll be talking to my fiance and one of these stories comes up, and he can't stand to even hear it. He says that what disturbs him the most is not the story, but the fact that I don't even see it as really being a big deal. I guess I've already come to terms with it. I was raped. Many times. Eventually you just kind of learn to numb yourself and deal with it.
kikidejavu
03-25-2008, 03:59 PM
wow morgan. you've been through alot.
ive leaned that it is not possible to get over things, but to get through them. and that you cant ignore something, and get over it. i think counseling would be very beneficial to you if you have health insurance even if you dont i want you to truly examine your past, and the ways that it affects you today.
you are a survivor, a true survivor, and i am proud of you for keeping your strength:hug: :hug:
xoxoGracexoxo
03-25-2008, 04:01 PM
Morgan, I've got nothing to say but this: :grouphug:
Your story sounds a lot like what happened to a friend of mine. She was molested repeatedly by her youth pastor's son when she was 12. He talked about it, and she got a reputation for being a "slut." Her family was religious and conservative, and she was afraid to talk to them about it. She was actually terrified that they would find out she was "easy." She often dated "tough" older guys -- maybe she was looking for a protector. She was scared of sex and didn't want to have sex with her much older "boyfriends" (i.e. child molestors) but because of her reputation, they would force it on her anyway.
I wanted desperately to help her, but she asked me not to say anything. Once she and I were at the house of her boyfriend-of-the-moment, and some of his friends. We were both 16 and they were all in their 20's and 30's. I remember he came into the living room and kind of grabbed her from behind and started groping her in front of all of us. She was embarrassed and said no, and he started dragging her off, into his bedroom. She was saying no the entire time and then he locked the door behind them and it was quiet. I knew something bad was happening to my friend and I asked his friends to do something, to stop him, or call the police. They laughed at me, pretended they didn't know what was wrong. I could tell they had nothing but contempt for my friend, and me. It was like they didn't even see us as people. I was so afraid, climbing up the walls. I tried to sneak out of the room and find a phone to call help, but this guy followed me into the kitchen and backed me against the wall, trying to soothe me and distract me, offering me a beer. I went back in the room and started knocking on the bedroom door, telling my friend that we had to go somewhere and we were going to be late, but nobody answered, and again his friends started talking to me and pulling me away. About twenty minutes later she came out of the room and she looked just awful. I got her coat and got her in the car and drove her home. She cried the whole way, but when I wanted to call the police she told me nothing happened.
To this day, I feel so guilty for what happened to her. I'm so angry at every single person in that house. They were grown-ups and they knew what was happening and they didn't care. They were completely complicit in what happened. I also feel bad about what I did -- my memories of the whole thing are so weirdly calm. I was trying to figure out what to do and standing by helpless. I should have freaked out, kicked the door down, and burned that whole fucking house to the ground with everyone in it. You can't apologize enough for something like that. After that, our friendship was really strange. We could never talk about that night. I felt so guilty and bad for not helping her, and maybe she felt strange around me, too. We were never really close again. Up until then, she had been my best friend my whole life.
beauty21queen
03-25-2008, 04:01 PM
^*hugs*
hockeybobby
03-25-2008, 04:12 PM
omg :hug: :hug: :hug:
AlexxaHex
03-27-2008, 05:33 AM
:'( This thread is so powerfully sad. I wish I could hold everyone here and tell them it's going to be okay.
I can't remember who said it earlier in the thread but I am also afraid of being too forceful when I'm with a woman. I tend to put them on a pedestal and want to make them feel good and be gentle with them. A lot of them wanted me to hurt them and I have a huge mental hurdle to get over to do that with women unless I know they are a hardcore masochist. Even if that is what they want, I definitely can't humiliate a woman. I can beat the shit out of consenting men though.
stellaforstars
03-27-2008, 09:19 AM
:hug: to Morgan, because I can relate to your story so very well.
:hug: to all of those offering their support. That's what I love about this community.