View Full Version : I want my sexuality back.
dollyrocker
12-05-2007, 11:49 PM
I know exactly what's causing it. I'm not making money in L.A. and all last week it was a week of "Do you date? Oh, nevermind." I did ONE lapdance in three days and it was a three-for-one special. I'm tired of putting all this effort into my appearance and taking my clothes off for men who just sit there looking bored because I'm not rubbing my vagina against their noses, and who don't see the point in paying me for a lapdance when they can just take my show for free.
I'm feeling really exploited right now and I'm getting phone calls from creditors, and suddenly I feel like my sexuality doesn't belong to me, it belongs to illiterate greasy men and Bank of America. It's demoralizing and the situation is having a snowball effect. I've only got two more weeks here but I don't know how I'm going to get through it. And I damn sure can't afford a massage, much as I would love one... and I don't want anyone touching me right now anyway.
Boy do I know how you feel girl! Some deal here in Phoenix. Seeing girls walk with even less than I do makes freaks me out even more. I should be outta here in the next 3-6 months, and every day I find myself daydreaming about my move.
Hang in there!
tmlsuperspice
12-06-2007, 11:44 AM
I know it's just burnout from a really bad month, but I can't wait to take awhile to do something else - almost anything else. I want to be beautiful for K and myself and just enjoy it. I want to pole dance at home for fun, and try new tricks without caring whether they leave bruises or look sexy. I want to grow a bush for a little while because I can. I want to feel like I'm attractive without ten pounds of eyeshadow and fake lashes. I want to relax and enjoy just being caressed without getting the urge to smack people. Lately I feel like my grasp on my own sexuality has been slipping away from me, and I want it back. Is there a way to reconnect without taking time off work?
I know EXACTLY how you are feeling right now. That's why I took a break/quit. I may go back during convention season, but for now, I have a REAL job. I don't make much, but I have my sanity, my sexuality isn't for sale, and I can be myself. A massage isn't going to do the trick. Get a mindless job or two. Grocery store, Starbucks, CVS, anything. If you're not making money dancing, you won't be missing out anyway.
lizlizliz
12-06-2007, 02:14 PM
I know exactly what's causing it. I'm not making money in L.A. and all last week it was a week of "Do you date? Oh, nevermind." I did ONE lapdance in three days and it was a three-for-one special. I'm tired of putting all this effort into my appearance and taking my clothes off for men who just sit there looking bored because I'm not rubbing my vagina against their noses, and who don't see the point in paying me for a lapdance when they can just take my show for free.
I'm feeling really exploited right now and I'm getting phone calls from creditors, and suddenly I feel like my sexuality doesn't belong to me, it belongs to illiterate greasy men and Bank of America. It's demoralizing and the situation is having a snowball effect. I've only got two more weeks here but I don't know how I'm going to get through it. And I damn sure can't afford a massage, much as I would love one... and I don't want anyone touching me right now anyway.
you'd make more money at mcdonalds.
just sayin'.
Yekhefah
12-06-2007, 02:17 PM
Yup. I'm getting a straight job when we get to Portland. I'm not saying I'm done with stripping forever, but I need a long break. Yesterday I told K that I missed being pretty and sexy for *him* - like all of it went to strangers at work, and I was just a bummed-out slob for him. He admitted that he does really miss me dressing up and being sexy just for him, and we both agreed that a nice long break from stripping will be really good for me. I've just got too much else going on emotionally right now to be able to hang with the L.A. strip club scene.
SarahSynn
12-06-2007, 02:20 PM
Yup. I'm getting a straight job when we get to Portland. I'm not saying I'm done with stripping forever, but I need a long break. Yesterday I told K that I missed being pretty and sexy for *him* - like all of it went to strangers at work, and I was just a bummed-out slob for him. He admitted that he does really miss me dressing up and being sexy just for him, and we both agreed that a nice long break from stripping will be really good for me. I've just got too much else going on emotionally right now to be able to hang with the L.A. strip club scene.
Ugh, I know what you mean, it can be a tough crowd here!
cutey5032
12-06-2007, 02:44 PM
I feel your pain. I danced in LA in 06 and it was one of the worst, most miserable experiences of my life. A blow to all confidence and self-respect. The men ARE assholes, and they love to talk down to women. And 99% of them REFUSE to even pay for a fucking, fucking $10 dance unless you are letting them finger you or something. I had too many stupid cocky men say "Well, can I touch your pussy? Can you jerk me off?" .....and when I would say "No, this is a $10 dance" they would just wave me off. What the fuck did they want, blowjobs?!?! I drank insane amounts just to deal with these idiots. Yek I wonder if you work in the same clubs I used to because your frustration sounds so familiar.
Not to be offensive but to those who say "stripping is not the right job for you" or "how can you not make money," have obviously never danced in LA. Its REALLY hard for most women to get used to, especially those who don't want to overstep their personal boundaries.
Yek you can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. Just take a break to gather yourself, and when you build your confidence level back up try dancing again. You will probably be pleasantly surprised to realize that yeah, maybe it IS the area. I have danced in a bunch of different areas, and LA is by no means the place to measure whether or not you are a "good stripper."
Good luck.....and about the bill collectors, fuck em for now. If you've never been late on a payment before, well maybe its time. Don't risk your sanity.
Yekhefah
12-06-2007, 04:14 PM
Yes, I officially made the decision yesterday to let it all go, and drop the pressure of "I should be out trying to strip right now" that I was carrying around all day every day. The bills are a stressor, but I feel a lot better just knowing that I'm not going back out there and no one can make me. I'm in a ponytail and no makeup and I like that right now, it's comforting and I need it. I've read some of the women on here who get burnt out and have to take a long break, so I suppose it's my turn now, and I think it's worth it for the time being. I can go back to it once we're in Portland and I'm stable and on my feet and don't NEED to do it.
bellasera
12-07-2007, 10:59 AM
^^ You are right. Work is so much better when you don't NEED to be there. You are not stressing about how much money you made and how you need xxx more dollars for xxx. I went in last night b/c I was bored and had fun and made money. Take care of yourself now; soon you will be excited to go back or you will realize you were meant for other things.