View Full Version : Being with a married man
I'd like to mention that even though I was married and there was another woman.. at no single point did I ever blame her. Even when I -just- found out, I never blamed her. It wasn't the 'other woman' the destroyed my marriage. It was him.
This is the thing that people FAIL to see. It is the ONE in the relationship to blame. You cant "make" someone leave unless they want to.
Good for you Lysondra.
anelia
12-27-2007, 05:04 AM
i dont think ppl who do it are scum, because every circumstance is diferent. but i sure felt low when i met his wife and I KNEW SHE KNEW. heartbreaking on every level, for all of us....he liked to throw me in her face. that part really upset me. but i broke it off and they're still married and he probably still has to jerk off in the shower because she's not really into sex. but thats not my proble and its not really hers either! (dramatic side note: he was so pissed when i broke up w/him that he pushed me out of his truck while it was still moving)
anyway....never again. men still say they want to "keep me on the side" because im a lil hottie who could make them feel virile again....i just snort and say thanks for the offer, its very appealing to be somebodys dial-a-pussy when the wife has a UTI, but i dont play second fiddle.
if i ever got settled and married and my husband ran around on me i think i wouldn't blame the girl, esp. if she was young....id hold him completely responsible and most likely leave.
she sells sanctuary
12-27-2007, 08:04 AM
anyway....never again. men still say they want to "keep me on the side" because im a lil hottie who could make them feel virile again....i just snort and say thanks for the offer, its very appealing to be somebodys dial-a-pussy when the wife has a UTI, but i dont play second fiddle.
man, i hate that mindset in a guy. i don't mind being a friend to guys who are taken. but if they expect sex or any sort of intimacy, well, they should really look elsewhere.
i don't think i could ever handle the idea of being a fuck on the side, a girlfriend, a mistress, any of it...i've never been one to share.
i have been with guys who were *technically* married, two of them. one was just about to get divorced and the way he said "ex-wife", it sounded like it was already a done deal. we didn't have sex, but i did fall in love; he broke my heart. the other was also separated. there was sex. it didn't mean shit to me, so i didn't care. i don't want to do that again though.
a friend of mine was engaged when i met him. i almost went to his wedding as a groomsman's date, but got sick. even after being married, he was still asking (it took me a while to realize he wasn't joking) when we were gonna have sex. like, he thinks he's so awesome that it just goes without saying that i'm gonna fuck him. i told him that i don't fuck married men, which is true, but i can't believe i had to say it at all. i hope that, at the very least, she knows what he's up to and is okay with it. but probably not.
Elizabeth729
12-27-2007, 10:13 AM
I'm at my day job, where my boss's boss has been relentlessly hitting on me. Flowers, dinners, presents. I like him but am hesitant because he is married. The wife and family live in London, he is moving here. He swears that they are getting a divorce but I'm skeptical. ( I haven't even kissed him yet.) I have very strong feelings about being "the other woman".
1. I was the other woman once and I felt lousy about it.
2. If a man loves me enough to want to leave his wife, then he needs to leave his wife BEFORE we can be together. I am worth more that "a test drive" to decide if he wants to leave his wife.
3. He made a promise to another woman. If he wants to break that promise, he needs to show her the respect of telling her and finishing his business with her before he is with anyone else.
4. I believe in the sisterhood. I may not know his wife, but she's a woman and I know how I would feel if I were her.
5. It is selfish to cheat. It is the easy way out of a bad situation - an unhappy marriage.
All of that being said, I will say that I do understand that there are mitigating circumstances.
Example: My best friend (a guy) is in love with his girlfriend. But she has zero sex drive. They haven't had sex in a year. (they've been together five) He doesn't want to leave her but he's pretty tired of the lack of sex. I can't say I blame him. He says that he has reached the point that if he gets offered sex that he'll take it, if he can do it without her ever knowing. I can't say I blame him...He doesn't want to leave her because everything else is really good.
ahmeerah
12-27-2007, 10:46 AM
Example: My best friend (a guy) is in love with his girlfriend. But she has zero sex drive. They haven't had sex in a year. (they've been together five) He doesn't want to leave her but he's pretty tired of the lack of sex. I can't say I blame him. He says that he has reached the point that if he gets offered sex that he'll take it, if he can do it without her ever knowing. I can't say I blame him...He doesn't want to leave her because everything else is really good.
In a situation like this wouldn't it make sense for the couple to discuss the problem and reach some sort of agreement? Like, she'd be OK if he had sex with other women on the side as long as there isn't an emotional connection or as long as she's there.
Same would go if he had the sexual problem.
Anyone else think like this????
I feel like couples should make these kinds of arrangements. But it seems like they don't and then hearts get broken. Isn't this an aspect of compatibility?
I can't WAIT to see who I end up with and what kind of relationship we'll have. I'm SO single right now - haha. I haven't decided who's worth my time yet.
Pamela
12-27-2007, 11:18 AM
How do you justify it in your mind? If you were married how would you feel about the "other woman" that your husband was giving his affections to on the side?
/not judging, just honestly curious
Sorry i got back to this thread late.
The shoe on the other foot would not work for me. I would leave him. Sounds corny and well, just wrong since i sleep with married men i know.
But i have no other answer, than the truth.
leilanicandy
12-27-2007, 11:34 AM
Sorry i got back to this thread late.
The shoe on the other foot would not work for me. I would leave him. Sounds corny and well, just wrong since i sleep with married men i know.
But i have no other answer, than the truth.
That answer is perfect because it is the truth. It is the man who broke his promise to the wife. -
VegasPrincess
12-27-2007, 02:28 PM
I don't think it's ethically wrong to date/fool around with a 'monogamous' married person UNLESS you represent yourself as a friend to their spouse...that is so not cool!
I totally agree with this Misha (btw you look exactly like a girl at OG's) ! If you read my posts about this guy I'm figuring shit out with, X, I totally know his wife (from whom he is seperated). In fact, when I first met him before anything turned into anything, I fucked him and his wife !! Oh , joy!
Lol, he totally encourages me to be friendly with her (she knows I exist) and all this shit, and I guess I should be because they have kids, but I just can't bring myself to be social with her. Ugh!!
VegasPrincess
12-27-2007, 02:35 PM
I'm at my day job, where my boss's boss has been relentlessly hitting on me. Flowers, dinners, presents. I like him but am hesitant because he is married. The wife and family live in London, he is moving here. He swears that they are getting a divorce but I'm skeptical. ( I haven't even kissed him yet.) I have very strong feelings about being "the other woman".
example: My best friend (a guy) is in love with his girlfriend. But she has zero sex drive. They haven't had sex in a year. (they've been together five) He doesn't want to leave her but he's pretty tired of the lack of sex. I can't say I blame him. He says that he has reached the point that if he gets offered sex that he'll take it, if he can do it without her ever knowing. I can't say I blame him...He doesn't want to leave her because everything else is really good.
1. He probably needs to stay married because of visa/child issues. I've encountered this before.
2.WTF on your friend's girlfriend? Even if you hate sex you should suck it up and do it once in a while if it's important to your boyfriend!! WTF
Emily
12-27-2007, 04:50 PM
It's not "illegal" to give your opinion. But this is Stripperweb, and it is against the rules to call people names on here.
I have gotten complaints about this thread going off topic, which is not against the rules, which is why I deleted and didn't give points.
So let's keep everything on topic, otherwise I delete. If your post has been deleted but you didn't get points, that's why. If you call people names or ignore moderator requests, then you'll earn some points.
Cherie
12-27-2007, 04:57 PM
I just have one thing to say. People are not perfect. If you think you are perfect then try walking on water.
GoldCoastGirl
12-28-2007, 02:52 AM
Curious if anyone actually would like to be a mistress and play "second fiddle"? Thus you kinda get the man anyway. You get to enjoy him... yet are safe (until he divorces naturally) that you don't have to commit... plus you can still have a life... travel for weeks on end.. etc.. all because you know he can "fill in the time" with his wife and/or kids ???
I don't know. The questions just occurred to me.
Have a primarily sexual relationship with the man. Be friendly yet not friends. etc.
Circe
12-28-2007, 04:46 AM
Yeah, I don't believe in demonizing the woman with this homewrecker business. She...doesn't own a "home" to wreck? It's all the man's.
That said, I'd feel weird seeing a married man. Unless it was a swinger type situation.
GoldCoastGirl
12-28-2007, 05:00 AM
This topic for some odd reason got me really interested in what has been written "out there" on this topic. Naturally, it is covered very extensively.
So far, the below is the best article I have found including the responses to the article....
http://au.askmen.com/love/vanessa_60/86b_love_secrets.html
Give it a read. What do you think?
I found:
"I've been dating attached men for about 10 years. They're the only men I date. I know it sounds terrible but since I never plan to marry, I'm not worried about bad karma," says business owner Sylvia, 39.
rather interesting.
So, if you are one that never plans to be married, then it could be a good thing? I don't know ... I'm just finding the reading interesting.
Lysondra
12-28-2007, 07:53 AM
Curious if anyone actually would like to be a mistress and play "second fiddle"? Thus you kinda get the man anyway. You get to enjoy him... yet are safe (until he divorces naturally) that you don't have to commit... plus you can still have a life... travel for weeks on end.. etc.. all because you know he can "fill in the time" with his wife and/or kids ???
I don't know. The questions just occurred to me.
Have a primarily sexual relationship with the man. Be friendly yet not friends. etc.
I've thought about it, actually. Very recently, in fact.
leilanicandy
12-28-2007, 03:32 PM
I found:
[I]"I've been dating attached men for about 10 years. They're the only men I date. I know it sounds terrible but since I never plan to marry, I'm not worried about bad karma," says business owner Sylvia, 39.
I heard women say this also, I believe Sylvia also said the guy treated her like a princess. This is why I want to hear the other side of the story. Is there really great benfits to being with a married man.
GoldCoastGirl
12-28-2007, 03:47 PM
I did a real lot of reading up on this topic last night. I had time to fill in and it had piqued my interest. The overwhelming majority (articles written) naturally voted "DO NOT DO IT!!!".
However after I read Sylvia's comment in that specific article and everything else that was written on the internet about this topic. It got me thinking... it kinda would be a great temporary relationship until you find a real meaningful one?
From all the reading I did I got the distinct impression that the sex is awesome. Naturally, the "forbidden fruit" aspect of the relationship comes into play in re the "awesome sex" .... however it would give someone who is single... and not ready for any real commitment... something.
Yes you become second fiddle.... Yes his wife and/or kids do come first and this can sometimes hamper time you have together.... however if you are just treating the whole she-bang as a temporary thing aka "just dating" "just seeing each other" ... this allows you as a single person to still be able to play the field whilst enjoying being the fantasy creature.
That's the other thing I got out of all the reading I did on this topic: the married men treat their mistress/girlfriend/lover as a fantasy creature and thus you (as the fantasy creature) get all the benefits that go along with being as such.
Here's the thing too. Sylvia in that article I mentioned doesn't trust men thus the reason why married men work for her.
I have to admit that thanks to this business that my trust in men isn't great. I don't believe men and women can be "just friends" unless they have known each other for such a long time that you don't see each other as "the opposite sex" and just human beings.
I also believe that men can be monogamous in love yet not so monogamous in lust/sex. Thus they can readily and easily love one woman whilst at the same time lusting/sexing many women.... and not see anything wrong with it.
A certain book I read recently (and Lysondra purchased, and MsQ has read thanks to me giving it to her as well) as well as my experience working in this industry... and now all this reading I have done on "dating married men".... well...
I can't help but think it isn't so bad.
It isn't like if I was the mistress/girlfriend that I am doing the cheating. I might enable the cheating husband however ultimately he is the one doing the cheating... and if I, as the mistress/girlfriend, go into the relationship knowing full well that it will not last ... that it is a temporary fix until I find myself a real relationship... and that the married man does as well... then it can't be that bad right?
I'm just typing my thoughts out. Curious to see what other people think. I just find this such an interesting topic now..
Even though I've been with a couple of married men... I would NOT do it again. The first one was a good friend of mine for a long time, so I knew the whole history of his marriage. He wanted out of it, and I happened to be one of his best friends throughout the ordeal. The second one was supposed to be just about sex... but sex can fog the head... and we both ended up falling in love. I was completely devastated when I knew I had to let him go... and even had to seek therapy to cope with the break up. Shit happens, and emotions can get involved. It's not something to take lightly.
GoldCoastGirl
12-28-2007, 03:58 PM
Plus not all married men will leave their wives and vice versa. Having children involved sometimes makes the wife stay regardless of the husband cheating. As I said previously, if you know that the whole deal is only temporary yet want to have the best time whilst single ... dating a married man doesn't seem all that bad a proposition.
Yes hearts can and will be broken: yours, his, his wife or all three or a mixture. Yet at the same time... if you already know that you won't be marrying him any time soon (even if he leaves his wife/divorces)... doesn't it make it kinda easier to get over the guy when and if the relationship ends? It gives you a readily made answer and conclusion to the relationship.
As I know myself enough to know that when I want to get over someone I was in a relationship with.. the best way is for me to "demonise" the person. No matter their good qualities, no matter what worked in the relationship.. the relationship is over and thus the best way to grieve about the relationship (as anger is part of the grief) is to demonise that other person... and you could easily say to yourself "See.. he is a bastard! He cheated on his wife! He's the scum of the earth due to it thus he never deserved me anyway... blah blah blah".
Just thinking out loud. Trying to figure out where I stand in re "dating married men" as I'm a single gal...
^Well, be sure to think REAL HARD.
leilanicandy
12-28-2007, 04:18 PM
Well can you pm me this book your talking about! I am curious!
If it is so horrible to be with one. Why is so many women are doing it? Every one know if you play with fire. You will be burn. You dont see so many adults running to play with fire.
^Mine were mistakes and learning experiences I am actually still healing from. Why other women do it, I can't tell you that.
GoldCoastGirl
12-28-2007, 05:24 PM
From the articles I read (and believe me I read plenty last night as I was really curious and interested) it seems the majority of women get involved due to the fact that they are the fantasy creature for the married man. The awesome sex does seem to "distract" a lot of women from the fact that the man is a lying cheating bastard. Plus when I say "they" like being the fantasy creature.. I mean that it seems most of the girlfriends/mistresses of married men are treated well by these married men in the relationship.
Then there is the denial of the existence of the wife and kids, as well. So the women involved in these relationships seem to fall for the fantasy as well that he will leave his wife eventually and they will be happily married. They all seem to forget that the married man either didn't tell them up-front he was married and thus is a lying cheating bastard... as the awesome sex and how they are treated well by the guy seem to make them forget and easily deny all the "not so nice bits".
Btw, I don't need to PM you the book name as I don't mind other people knowing it... I've posted about it numerous times before in various other threads:
http://www.randomhouse.com.au/system%20pictures/9781741667998.jpg
Sugarbabe by Holly Hill (http://www.randomhouse.com.au/Books/Default.aspx?Page=Book&ID=9781741667998)
leilanicandy
12-28-2007, 06:37 PM
Wow! I dont remember you posting this book. It sounds juicy!
VegasPrincess
12-28-2007, 08:08 PM
Wow, I read about the book online! I have got to go to Barnes & Noble and pick that up tommorrow! Also, where the hell did she place the online add for a sugar daddy? Cause I would be all about having one
Lysondra
12-28-2007, 08:13 PM
She did it on an Australian dating site; no good for America. Try sugardaddie.com for that.
GoldCoastGirl
12-29-2007, 02:32 AM
I was searching for a blog I came across awhile ago that I really wanted to read.. however.. in the journey was presented with the following which I didn't find last night (as I was using different search terms)...
I'm posting this in this thread for future reference for anyone who wants it:
The Guide to being "The Other Woman"
http://otherwomanguide.blogspot.com/
http://www.gloryb.com/
If you are the "other" involved in an extramarital affair, considering getting involved in an affair or are in the process of ending an affair, this is a place for you to speak freely and honestly with others who experience the same highs and lows you do.
My Secrets for Dating a Married Man
http://www.socyberty.com/Relationships/My-Secrets-for-Dating-a-Married-Man.19366
Being A Mistress
http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/A878204
Other "of interest" based on this topic links
http://www.msmagazine.com/apr99/feature-apr99.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/what-can-i-do-to-keep-my-mistresss.html
Flick6
12-29-2007, 04:49 PM
1. He probably needs to stay married because of visa/child issues. I've encountered this before.
2.WTF on your friend's girlfriend? Even if you hate sex you should suck it up and do it once in a while if it's important to your boyfriend!! WTF
Why the hell should someone have sex when they dont want to? I mean yes accept the consequences if you DONT want to, like the fact that he may leave you or want to have sex with someone else. But you should NEVER EVER have to "suck it up and do it" to sex when you dont want to, that is fucked up. There may be serious shit going on inside her head that is the cause of her not being into it. HE should be making an effort to communicate and work out what is the reason if he cares...
sorry to threadjack, I just hate that girls (or men) think they should ever have sex when they dont want to
cameron_keys
12-29-2007, 04:57 PM
As for not demonizing the other woman...I cant agree. If I was in a monogomous marriage and he cheated on me...yes, most of my anger woudl be towards him because HE is the one who cheated on me and destroyed my trust in him and our relationship....but IF she knew he was married and did it anyway...yeah...she'd be in for a beating too.
Sorry. But sleeping with a guy you KNOW is cheating on his wife..I cant get behnd that. It's just wrong.
I mean...if you can accept the moral responsibility and live with it...then have fun. But dont try to say you have no moral obligations in this. That you did nothing wrong. (you being a universal YOU ...not anyone in particular). At least admit it..yeah I shouldnt have fucked a married man..it was wrong, but I had my reasons for it....
leilanicandy
12-30-2007, 07:26 PM
As for not demonizing the other woman...I cant agree. If I was in a monogomous marriage and he cheated on me...yes, most of my anger woudl be towards him because HE is the one who cheated on me and destroyed my trust in him and our relationship....but IF she knew he was married and did it anyway...yeah...she'd be in for a beating too.
Sorry. But sleeping with a guy you KNOW is cheating on his wife..I cant get behnd that. It's just wrong.
I mean...if you can accept the moral responsibility and live with it...then have fun. But dont try to say you have no moral obligations in this. That you did nothing wrong. (you being a universal YOU ...not anyone in particular). At least admit it..yeah I shouldnt have fucked a married man..it was wrong, but I had my reasons for it....
Most women think and feel the same way you do! There is nothing wrong with that Cameron. The purpose of this thread is to peak into the other side. To know whats gose on, that the wife dont see! There is no if ands or butt on how people dont like this triangle.
The information lots of responder gave in this thread. Is like a little peak, in what gose on in these relationship. Which is what I wanted to know! I was always taught wiccan was bad. Yet that did not stop me for wanting to know what wiccan do! This is a gray issues, in so many eyes. This thread is made to see what really gose on. Not from the man view, but from the womans.
So far with this thread. I have a better understanding on how swingers. Have a strong relationship, while having sex with other people.
This thread was never intend to offend any married woman. Or put down any woman that had slept with a married man. It is just to find unknown answers.
leilanicandy
12-30-2007, 07:43 PM
I also want to add, a lot of married women. Feel thier husband coming into the strip club means he is cheating on them! Thier husbands do this anyway, despite the wife approval. So dose this mean us dancer are doom to lead bad karma. Since these men keep spending there money on us! These men are lusting in thier minds, which a lot people consider cheating!
So two wrongs dont make it right! Yet I still will like to know the unknown, at least to me.
Us dancer have bad raps because we turn those married men on, they just want to spend there money on us! Most of them wives dont want them looking at us, or spending what could be thier shopping money.
VegasPrincess
12-31-2007, 10:59 AM
Why the hell should someone have sex when they dont want to? I mean yes accept the consequences if you DONT want to, like the fact that he may leave you or want to have sex with someone else. But you should NEVER EVER have to "suck it up and do it" to sex when you dont want to, that is fucked up. There may be serious shit going on inside her head that is the cause of her not being into it. HE should be making an effort to communicate and work out what is the reason if he cares...
sorry to threadjack, I just hate that girls (or men) think they should ever have sex when they dont want to
First of all, I think it's fair to say that a year is an excessively long time for somebody to be expected to go without sex...
If the girl in question was having major issues or shit going on in her head, I apologize for saying that. The imperssion I got from the OP was that she just had never been big into sex and decided she wasn't going to do it anymore.
Which is fine, if somebody wants to do that. I just dont think that you can expect somebody to stay faithful when you make that choice, I know I couldn't!
I just want to make it clear that I wasn't saying people are obligated to have sex!