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AlexxaHex
01-08-2008, 10:59 AM
I'm sorry, Cam...I know you're depressed right now but I'm having a hard time believing you actually need reasons, or maybe you just want to hear it from us. I would think just from reading your posts and seeing your photos that it's obvious you are intelligent, witty, and beautiful. That's enough reason right there. Now only to add in your ambitious nature, your badass "take no shit" attitude, your love and advocacy for animals and all the ways you've helped other people with your advice, and you have even more arsenal to prove to the world you can keep going.
Very few people know this but I was hospitalized for self mutilation and put on 72 hour watch. After seeing the other patients and having to deal with eveyrthing in there, I have never ever wanted to hurt myself again. Maybe it will take a big wake up call on your part to see the same.

My best friend killed himself and it is the most painful thing imaginable to be a loved one of a suicide victim. EVERY DAY I hurt because of his loss. His parents are on the verge of suicide themselves, the pain is so great. Do you really want to do that to your husband and family?

Best wishes.

Lola Rose
01-08-2008, 11:49 AM
Honestly, money isn't shit. Ya, it makes things easier, but it isn't that freaking important. conventionally, we are all taught to need more more more.

And it kills us. it makes us sad, starved for love, space, happiness...... it makes us depressed. It makes us hateful and hurtful.

It took me feeling like shit every time i took my top off, feeling worthless and used, b/efore I realized money isn't real. it isn't everything. I'd rather be happy and have a full life then have a lot of money and feel like trash everytime i loook in the mirror.

Ya, it's easy when you have it, but only a little. Money breads corruption and immorality. Look at washington. look at hollywood.

and seriously, slap yourself. Get a grip. You don't really want to die.

cameron_keys
01-08-2008, 12:10 PM
Thank you....all of you. I had a HUGE talk with my husband last night after he came and took my pills away. I got a lot of what was festering out and I feel somehow cleansed today. I'm not great and I still feel pretty bad..but I'm better and at least thats a step.

I will still look for a Dr. though. I know this wont just go away.

Pamela
01-08-2008, 12:22 PM
Not sure where this thread came from, i missed it earlier.

Cam. Gald you are feeling better. Some of us may be names on a computer screen, but we are a support group. We are people and we care. Look at all of us throwing differences aside and coming together for YOU ;)

Yes you matter. If you died it would matter to many of us, because we would feel very sad. You touch many lives, you have got to see this, though your screen and in your life at home.

Hang in there hun. You're tough.

Hugs & kisses

cameron_keys
01-08-2008, 12:35 PM
I cant say I dont feel the same things today...but I dont feel suicidal anymore.

Between you guys and my husband last night telling me that theres no way he could go on without me...I've relized that it isnt the answer.

All your support and stories have been amazing. Its nice to know I"m not alone...that others have felt this way(and even gone further)and gotten through it.

And I"m ashamed to admit..it is nice to hear that people on here would miss me. Even if it was briefly...

And Djoser...dont worry, I"m still coming down. I got my car fixed so I'll be able to make it.

southstbabe
01-08-2008, 12:45 PM
Cam honey, I've been where you are right now, and you know what, I'm still working my way out it. A good Dr. is very important. Do your homework. I found my Dr a little over a year ago and I still see her once a week and I look forward it. Check out this site, www.schematherapy.com. This is the type of therapy I'm in. I also take Wellburtrin XL (sp) the combination of the two has turned my life around. And Cam, you've taken the first step, you've realized you have a problem and you need to do something about it. You've got my support. Depression sucks and no one should have to go through it alone. Feel free to PM me.

(((HUGS)))

Also pick up the book Reinventing Your Life by Jeffrey E. Young, very helpful.

kitty69
01-08-2008, 12:58 PM
I know you don't know me and I have only been a member for a short while, but I have to say that even though we have never posted directly to each other that you have given me so much advice and inspiration. I literally have been where you are now and with the right support and medication you will feel better. I used to look at my depression as faulty wiring in my mind that gave me a very one sided look on life. Depression does not mean you are crazy, just that you are trying to cope with a very real illness. If you had a broken leg you would fix it. Anyway enough waffling, just wanted to say I think you're pretty cool and I wanna be just like you when I grow up.:) Big hugs x

RoseLeigh
01-08-2008, 01:56 PM
I cant say I dont feel the same things today...but I dont feel suicidal anymore.


I am so glad to read this, hon. After losing my cousin this summer (her kid's in trouble, she took it all on herself, and killed herself and her dog), it really brings perspective. She did animal rescue in south Fl, had a good hubby and kid, but it was all too much, I guess.

I'm so glad hubbie was able to make an impression on you (as well as SW!). And I saw you're looking into helping animals on the random thread. There's such a need. We're her for you too.

Mily
01-08-2008, 01:58 PM
Hugs to you, Sweetie! You know I adore you. We all go through shit times... trust me... I am going through a very shit time right now, and have been for about 3 years now. I keep asking God why he is punishing me and WTF did I do to deserve this, and blah! Blah! Blah! But I can't do that anymore. I was suicidal at one point, and HELL, even had to stay at a mental clinic once for a few days to seek help, because I couldn't take the pain anymore and just wanted to die. But there is NO WAY! I love my family too much, and I would never put them through that much pain. I could just see my mother crying, and crying, and crying if I ended up taking my life and it still brings tears to my eyes when I think about it. Things will get better. Even though I bitch and whine and moan about it... I KNOW THEY WILL! AND YES! THEY WILL! If you want/need to PM me, please do so... I know we are going through some similiar issues... internet pal or not.

Fabulous Disaster
01-08-2008, 02:02 PM
I just got back from Cheyenne and read this today. I 'm sitting here crying :crying: reading this. I wish I could hug you. I'm going to ramble here, bear with me:

I lost my entire family, and my (now ex) husband decided that I was his personal punching bag. I had no one, not even my dog.

I laid on the living room floor of a gutted house that I couldn't pay for (my ex came in and stole everything he could carry while I was at work and disappeared, including my dog and my car), with a Kershaw skinning knife. I was done with everything, I couldn't take any more. I was a miserable, alcoholic, half crippled, broke ass stripper in BFE Montana. I wanted to die.

The only thing that stopped me from turning myself into worm food was a phone call from Himself. He spent two hours talking me down, trying to find one little thing that was good about my life and made it worthwhile. His dad committed suicide when he was 15. What would that have done to him, knowing that he was the last person that I talked to? I finally got myself off the floor and walked out of the house that I had fought so hard to keep. It was just a house. It wasn't worth my life. He is, though. I have one person that loves me, and I owe him my life.

A year later, I'm sober, I'm divorced, I have my dog back and a shiny new car, and I'm moving to Cheyenne to start my life over with Himself. I hit the bottom and dragged myself back out.

You'll be ok, pretty lady. I know it feels like the world is falling down around your ears :help2: but you'll make it, I promise. :hug:

Vyanka
01-08-2008, 02:03 PM
Wow, this is very heart breaking to read. :( Please don't do anything crazy. You are very appreciated, esp. by your beloved husband(who you are very lucky to have).

I hope you get through this asap. I want to hug you.

RandomUser
01-08-2008, 02:15 PM
You are a unique person with a world of experience. I know when I see your nic that it will be interesting. My thoughts on depression which probably don't cover everything.

1. Get someone to help you make the daily rituals and bill paying and appointment keeping when you are very down.
2. Meds for some are a life time saver
3. Meds for some provide a respite where the body recovers and rebalances
4. Examine environmental factors also.
5. Develop a meditative belief that allows you to have confidence in something beyond yourself and also lets you learn to observe yourself when you feel bad.
6. It's ok to lay in bed all day and sleep 18 hours. for a week!

Observing versus being overwhelmed provided a toehold into having more control.

Don't laugh, but I will hold you in my heart tonight. I know depression strips away all the goofy stuff, but this forum seems like a top notch support group as surprisingly many members also seem to experience depression to a degree.

Yekhefah
01-08-2008, 02:33 PM
I'm so glad you're feeling better. I'm just now seeing this thread, but I wanted you to know I've been there too. I never had the guts to actually attempt suicide, but I spent a couple of months in a drunken stupor, trying to make it all disappear and hoping eventually I'd never wake up. I'm glad I failed because nothing is really that bad, even if it seems that way. You are a beautiful, amazing, tough woman and I hope you see that again soon.

Call me if you ever need to talk, okay? We can commisserate about being broke nudie girls. At least we have men who love us... and we won't be broke forever. You have to believe that - you won't!

Flick6
01-08-2008, 02:57 PM
Bit belated but just wanted to send you a little bit extra support, I hope you find a great therapist who can help you deal with these feelings in a less horrible (for you) way. Being told you are crazy is pretty fucked up, but not as fucked up as believing it and trying to deal with it on your own. If they can give you a diagnosis then they will probably help you with a solution as well. But really who cares what "they" call you? Find a therapist that lets you talk, not just prescribes pills if you can, and talk talk talk until it feels okay

hugs

sexysunny
01-08-2008, 03:23 PM
hang in there babe. remember what they say... you have to hit rock bottom to work your way up. if you feel you're there now then there is only one way to go, and that is up. you are a strong person. you are stronger than you think. sending hugs and happies.

needtodance
01-08-2008, 04:25 PM
I know how you feel, TOTALLY. But it WONT help anythign if you just "walkk away
" from these bad times. And YES it WILL wreck your husband... Like someone else on ere saidk not all people CAN cope with teh loss of a spouse, and its jsut unfai and selfish to put him in that position!

Jus hold on things will get b etter, or at least stop geting worse!

*HUGS*

Katrine
01-08-2008, 04:59 PM
.
6. It's ok to lay in bed all day and sleep 18 hours. for a week!
.

See, now why do people say that? How is ok to do that when shit needs to get done and bills have to get paid?

big_daddy
01-08-2008, 05:37 PM
Im on vacation next week I say we all head down to Fl and pay her a visit and show her how much we care!!

zxcire
01-08-2008, 05:50 PM
Im on vacation next week I say we all head down to Fl and pay her a visit and show her how much we care!!

I'll be down the 3rd week of January. I might want to go bother her too...

cameron_keys
01-08-2008, 06:11 PM
I'll be down the 3rd week of January. I might want to go bother her too...

I should be in Key West then

I am getting an interesting picture of an SW caravan coming to FL to hug me. That would make me cry so hard!!I love you guys

Phil-W
01-08-2008, 06:12 PM
Cameron,

Can I join the great queue of people wishing you well.

(And I suspect someone who can cause this sort of response on SW is not exactly unloved in real life either).

Thought for you - as you seem to have the gift of writing in a clear and expressive way. Have you considered a novel or autobiography based on your experiences?

Do a sypnosis and the first couple of chapters. Post off to some literary agents for comment. Won't take you a vast amount of time to get thus far, and it might bring you in some money in the form of an advance.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained.....

Phil.

PS: Make sure if it's an autobiography that it's got a happy ending.

cameron_keys
01-08-2008, 06:16 PM
See, now why do people say that? How is ok to do that when shit needs to get done and bills have to get paid?

Yeah...thats part of what got me to this point to begin with. I VERY much agree that this is necessary sometimes ...but once it stretches to weeks lying in bed barely beign able to force yourself to go to the mailbox...you have to do something.
I had to do something.
I was thankful for the option of the webcam. It isnt as much money as the club(sometimes) but I cam come and go as aI please and its much less stressful. Plus, once I get the equipment I can do it from home in my jammies. So even on the days I dont want to get out of bed I can still make money

I"m still amazed at how hardmy husband fought for me last night. He saved my sanity and my life. As did you all.

The_Oceans
01-08-2008, 06:32 PM
All I can wish you, Cameron, is that you get the guidance and support you need. Between all of us here on SW, your friends, and especially your husband, I'm confident that you'll get through this.



I"m still amazed at how hardmy husband fought for me last night. He saved my sanity and my life. As did you all.

In the end, that's all you need to know. *hugs*

VegasPrincess
01-08-2008, 06:38 PM
All I can say is, I have never met you in person, but you have taken the time to write several thoughtful posts that brightened my day. I even posted about this on your myspace.

Second, I know that you always are kind to/stand up for people at work who can't take care of themselves like that.

Third, as far as not having marketable skills, honey, please. What makes you a good person in this world is not how much money you make, it's how you treat other people. Being a good person is the most important thing on Earth, taking care of people, etc. You KNOW this. You're just not applying it to yourself. You would never think any of us girls who like you just dance are pieces of shit because they don't have any career skills....remember that.

Fourth, if you killed yourself, I bet we would all think about you everytime we heard the name Cameron till we ourselves died, and it would make us sad. Not to mention your husband.

I read in the thread that you feel better, but I think you should print this out or save it or save the link in case you feel that way again.

StuartL
01-09-2008, 04:10 AM
This thread is quite an outpouring of love and warmth isn't it. And though we haven't met, our brief interactions make me think that it is probably all justified.

Take the time to work on yourself and I'm sure you will make it to the other side of this.

Good luck.

BmiWMT14
01-09-2008, 06:33 AM
Cam, I just saw this thread, and I wanted to answer your question.... Yes my life would not be the same if you were not in it!!

A few weeks ago I was having similar thoughts, when I found out my wife wanted to leave me. I posted something in random thoughs, that was well random. You were the first person to PM me and ask me what was wrong. When I typed out my mini novel, you took the time to read it and thougtfully respond in a way that made me think twice, and re-evaluate my situation.

Now its my turn to tell you, that I am here for you if you need to talk or vent, or what ever the case may be. Just know that there are an awful lot of people here at SW, that love you, care about you, and would most certainly be changed, if you were not in our lives!

scarlett_vancouver
01-09-2008, 07:09 AM
Cameron, I just saw this thread. I'm so sorry that you've been feeling this way.

:hug:

I_luv_dancers!
01-09-2008, 07:54 AM
Cameron- you are one of the primary reasons I visit this site and one of my very favorite people on here. While I feel like I'm just another f-ing PL to many of the women here, you made me feel welcome and engaged in back-and-forth friendly and fun conversation that I have enjoyed tremendously. You are funny, smart, interesting, beautiful, and you are knowledgable on many topics. I like to read what you have to say about animals as much as what you tell us about your porn and stripping experiences. You are one of the coolest people I know!

There have been many wonderful things said about you here - lots of love and caring and good advice.

Although we will likely never meet in real life, I would feel your loss much more than you realize - even though I'm a rather insignificant person to you here in cyberland.

It's the depression talking girl - it's a matter of brain chemistry that's causing your feelings - making you feel that your life is fucked up beyond all hope - and believe me, it is not!

Please please please put thoughts of hurting yourself out of your mind and accept the love that everyone has shown you here.

With much love -

hustlebunny
01-09-2008, 10:09 AM
Cameron,
I read this with tears rolling down my eyes...everyone has said it all already...

Don't do it.

I feel pretty trapped in the world of being a dancer for so many reasons. I feel DEPRESSED often. I just try to take SMALL actions each towards the something i really want to do...it can be a web search or a phone call or write a letter, buy stamps. Have you ever thought of putting together the ask cameron idea into a column for a paper or mag? You obviously already have a following! Good luck on your search for help. i went thru several therapists before i found one that worked for me...I wish you more and more and more moments of peace and hope!

Tara_SW
01-09-2008, 10:56 AM
now that we have 4 pages of love and support for her I'm wondering has anyone heard from her? Is she ok? hope so!!!!

cameron_keys
01-09-2008, 11:23 AM
^ Yes I'm ok thanks in large part to you guys. Knowing that I matter to someone out there makes all the differance in the world. I'm still dealing with my issues and workingout my problems...but I am sticking around to do it.

holiday
01-09-2008, 11:56 AM
Wow, I had know idea that you were going through this depression right now. I am so sorry Cameron.

I didn't read any of the other posts, so I don't know if it's been said, but you are such a caring person. I mean really considerate, I know you are because even by only knowing you off of this website, I can tell. You are the rad girl who has her own advice thread on here. You're so smart and you're hot and funny, you add to the greater good simply by being all that.

Have you told your hubby all you expressed in this thread? Do you want to show it to him?

cameron_keys
01-09-2008, 12:06 PM
Have you told your hubby all you expressed in this thread? Do you want to show it to him?

I have and he quite literally saved my life the other night. He has taken my sleeping pills away and will be doling them out to me nightly until I am ready to have the bottle back.

Knowing how much he loves me and all the support i got on here made me re think my plan. Maybe the easy way out isnt so easy.

star...gazer
01-09-2008, 12:11 PM
He's been so supportive, but this has to be killing him too. And it isnt fair he has to put up with my shit. People lose their spouses and they are sad and then they get over it and find someone else. Maybe he'd be better off.


You can keep going because you are intelligent, very beautiful and your life matters.

Please don't fool yourself that your husband would be better off with out you. Guilt would consume his days and nights if you removed yourself from this planet.

Hang in there lady and just keep doing the 'next' thing you need to do even if you don't feel like it. Take one concious step at a time until you don't have to think about your steps anymore.

At the end of the day even if we dont' feel it ourselves, our journies are so important.

I wish you joy.

annie

parkerposey
01-10-2008, 02:20 PM
Razors pain you;
Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you;
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren't lawful;
Nooses give;
Gas smells awful;
You might as well live.

Dorothy Parker