View Full Version : violent bf's
winterrose
03-17-2008, 12:54 PM
leave now! I left a horrifically abusive male a while back. He started out the same way. I did the er trip with a cracked cheek bone, broke nose, cracked ribs (3) and two black eyes and busted lips. The day I left him, I had $5 to my name, all of my money he would give me before he left for work. I moved what I could in 2 hours, the rest I left. My safety and sanity is worth more than the furniture I left. He is still over a year later, me married to someone else , stalking us, making death threats. I finally filed charges and he was arrested 2 weeks ago. Leaving was the best thing I ever did.
Paris
03-17-2008, 02:23 PM
Jayde81, you okay? Please check in, I'm worried.
Lola Rose
03-17-2008, 03:17 PM
I hope the OP is ok.
you asked where we would draw the line. I'd draw it long before he called me a whore.
Miaowren
03-21-2008, 12:09 PM
It just gets worse and worse and worse.
You never really think about it but even the absolutely shocking stuff starts out as just little things.
Jayde81
03-26-2008, 11:17 PM
Jayde81, you okay? Please check in, I'm worried.
hey sorry havnt checked this thread for a while. yeah im doing much better thanks babe :) about a week after a posted this thread i moved out. we got into another fight and bf called me a slut, told me to get out and picked up my cat in his basket and thru the whole thing at me. as funny as it sounds hurting my cat crossed the line for me (dumb hey!!) anyways next day i moved out. i told my bf the only way i would ever consider moving back in is that he would HAVE to get councilling for his anger issues - theres alot in his past he needs to work thru. anyways that was over a month ago and hes been getting councilling. i moved back in a week ago and so far so good. i no its early days yet but the fact that hes getting councilling really keeps me optimistic that we can put all that in the past and move forward with our lives. wish me luck i will give u updates :-* xxx
Victoryx0x0
03-27-2008, 11:47 PM
hey sorry havnt checked this thread for a while. yeah im doing much better thanks babe :) about a week after a posted this thread i moved out. we got into another fight and bf called me a slut, told me to get out and picked up my cat in his basket and thru the whole thing at me. as funny as it sounds hurting my cat crossed the line for me (dumb hey!!) anyways next day i moved out. i told my bf the only way i would ever consider moving back in is that he would HAVE to get councilling for his anger issues - theres alot in his past he needs to work thru. anyways that was over a month ago and hes been getting councilling. i moved back in a week ago and so far so good. i no its early days yet but the fact that hes getting councilling really keeps me optimistic that we can put all that in the past and move forward with our lives. wish me luck i will give u updates :-* xxx
can the cat stay with a friend while u figure this out? i mean, really= u have to stand ur ground you are a WOMAN the QUEEN,. and he is abusing you you need to leave , longer then a month... more like, a year. if ur still fond of him, and hes 360, then MAYBE
he hurt a defenseless animal... which means, he would hurt babies too...
Flick6
03-28-2008, 12:10 AM
As much as I hope you are an exception, I kinda have to agree with the above poster. A month of therapy will have had no change on his behavior at all, maybe a year or so, if he seriously wants to change.
Most abusive relationships go through cycles, man is sweet and lovely, man is asshole, man sees woman is slipping away, promises the world, is sweet and lovely, man is asshole twice as bad... over and over.
And most women leave the relationship more than once before they walk away for the last time. Can I suggest maybe seeing a counselor or ringing a dv hotline and talking to someone there. Abusers manipulate our weaknesses and destroy our self esteem. I know you were kind of joking, but it is not good that you value your cat's safety over your own and your own self pride. Thats a big sign that things are not going well. www.brokenspirits.com is a website that has a lot of information about domestic violence and a great support forum there as well. I guess you probably don;t feel like reading that sort of stuff at the moment, but if you find it gets bad again it might help.
ellebelle
03-29-2008, 08:14 PM
People don't change in a month :/
I hope it works out, but I also hope this is the last chance you give him in the abuse department. Don't get stuck in a cycle like Flick6 suggested.
I think crossing the line is anytime they put their hand on you, plain and simple.
If a man has the balls to hurt you, then you should get rid of them. That is a sign of a weak man.
shift_6x
03-29-2008, 11:18 PM
[quote=StarryEyes;1403783]It's easy to say that as an outsider, but let me explain it to you this way...oftentimes (like in my case) when there is abuse in a family, the child being abused grows up thinking that this behavior is "normal". They don't know any different. You know how we gravitate to things which are familiar? Well, that is what often happens. This is not to say that the OP is from an abusive family, but many battered women are. They grow up being treated like shit from their parents, develop low self esteem as a result, then as adults gravitate toward what they know (abusive relationships) and they have trouble leaving due to low self esteem. It's a cycle. It's not that they are stupid. This is just their "normal" reality...it is what they are used to.
This is exactly what happens...
Jayde81
03-31-2008, 12:18 AM
[quote=shift_6x;1473708][quote=StarryEyes;1403783]It's easy to say that as an outsider, but let me explain it to you this way...oftentimes (like in my case) when there is abuse in a family, the child being abused grows up thinking that this behavior is "normal". They don't know any different. You know how we gravitate to things which are familiar? Well, that is what often happens. This is not to say that the OP is from an abusive family, but many battered women are. They grow up being treated like shit from their parents, develop low self esteem as a result, then as adults gravitate toward what they know (abusive relationships) and they have trouble leaving due to low self esteem. It's a cycle. It's not that they are stupid. This is just their "normal" reality...it is what they are used to.
I agree with u there but no im not from an abusive family and this is the first time iv had a bf whos ever been abusive towards me. yes i do no i sound very naive to believe this behaviour will never happen again, i just love the life we had before all that started and i want that again. he knows if he EVER acts like that again it WILL be over, i left once and i WILL leave again for good if i have to. i feel so much stronger than before, i no i can survive by myself and my family are behind me all the way i will always have a place to go. once again thanks for all ur support ladies :) xx
Flick6
03-31-2008, 01:15 AM
Best of luck to you, stay strong and don't be scared or ashamed to ask for help if you need it, that was my failing, my pride!! I truly hope you guys are the exception to the rule.
muladoll
03-31-2008, 04:46 AM
Please be very careful. You have stated that if he exhibits abusive behavior again, you will leave. Promise yourself that and keep your word. Is he really that worth it to you? The abuse he exhibited has nothing to do with you, it is just the way he is. He will most likely need months if not years to change if ever. Do you know how hard it is to break habits, let alone "issues" that are part of our psyche.
If he ever disrespects you or abuses you, you need to get out. Typically these kind of men will then exhibit remorse. They will cry get on their knees and promise you the world. Even though they may mean that at that instance, they don't just change.
I was in an emotionally abusive relationship never physical. But like you, I had never experienced emotional abuse before so when the fucker told me he would change, I believed him over and over and over. I didn't think it was possible for someone to be jealous, insecure, manipulative, and emotionally retarded like he was. I finally got out after a year. He begged pleaded tried playing psychological games with me etc. I look back and realize that I was stupid for having put up with that first insult. How dare they!!
Without offending you, you might benefit from counseling as well. When someone mentioned that I might need counseling I was furious. It's hard to hear because we may not always believe it is our fault that someone else is abusive, but we are to blame when we put with it. Anyway, my humble opinion.
LoveComesFromWithin
04-02-2008, 12:58 PM
it will quickly change to: i didnt hit u, i just stopped u from acting crazy. there's no blood!
genna7
02-17-2011, 01:04 PM
I am having a similar problem with my live in bf, he got really drunk this weekend and we had a huge fight and for the first time in the two yrs we have been together her put his hands on me. While I was packing a leaving the next day he cried and begged me to stay and said he would stop drinking. before this weekend I never thought he would never hurt me... but now I know what he is capable of and it changes everything and scares me about our future.... I am debating leaving him... I want explore every possible alternative before I leave. Is there any thing that can help us or prevent this other than him just not drinking. Would anger management classes for him or couples conseling for us help this situation? or are there any classes or type of counseling or therapy he can take... I havent been happy with our relationship for a while but as any unhappy relationship goes its harder to leave when you love someone so much... But I do not want to be that girl in an abusive relationship who cant bring her self to realize and leave. I want to explore every option before I leave cause I really want to try to make us work.... help plz...
kittykrane
02-17-2011, 01:13 PM
wat do u girls consider crossing the line when it comes to violence from bf's??
i have been with my bf for just over a year now and we recently moved in to our own place (renting).
the last few weeks we have been fighting every night and he has shoved me to the ground a few times, thrown a water bottle at my head, and called me awful names such as a whore. i have always thought that i would leave a bf if he got phsically abusive but i find myself keep forgiving him time after time. weve talked about it and he said he would leave before he ever hit me. im worried that if hes acting this way after only a year wat will this year bring.
id appreciate any thoughts u may have as im really torn :-[
I was in your shoes once. I was 23 when I thought I met the man of my dreams. He was smart, funny, and successful. He also punched holes in walls, yelled at me, raised his hand and called me a "bitch" more times than I can remember, tried to alienate me from my friends and family. Stupid me, I still married him. Why? I don't know...because I wanted to believe he would change.
When he threatened to kill me (he told judge he was just kidding), I packed my stuff one day and left a note on the counter for him telling him to contact my lawyer because I wanted a divorce. He cried, whine, tried to make me look like the bad person. Leaving him was the best decision I ever made! I wasted 2 years of my life with him but I learned that NEVER EVER should anyone be treated like that and get out ASAP. Remember, he is just your boyfriend..It's easier to get away and start your own life without all the legal issues involved in a marriage or before children are involved.
Violence is NOT normal behavior, it's immature, it's his way of not being able to working things out rationally. It's going to take him a lot more time than a month to change, if ever. I'd leave now if I were you, but I know how hard that can be when you care for someone. But does love=violence? Your relationship is toxic. Think of the Rihanna/Eminem video "Love the way you lie"....
If you insist on being with him, perhaps you should get your own place or move back in with someone else. You can still date him, but it will give you some time to think. If he acts all crazy possessive and still resorts to the same behavior, please, get out. Be careful!
I've been married for the past 14.5 years to a wonderful man who would never physically or verbally threaten me. We certainly have disagreements, but there is no physical violence or verbal abuse.
kittykrane
02-17-2011, 01:37 PM
I am having a similar problem with my live in bf, he got really drunk this weekend and we had a huge fight and for the first time in the two yrs we have been together her put his hands on me. While I was packing a leaving the next day he cried and begged me to stay and said he would stop drinking. before this weekend I never thought he would never hurt me... but now I know what he is capable of and it changes everything and scares me about our future.... I am debating leaving him... I want explore every possible alternative before I leave. Is there any thing that can help us or prevent this other than him just not drinking. Would anger management classes for him or couples conseling for us help this situation? or are there any classes or type of counseling or therapy he can take... I havent been happy with our relationship for a while but as any unhappy relationship goes its harder to leave when you love someone so much... But I do not want to be that girl in an abusive relationship who cant bring her self to realize and leave. I want to explore every option before I leave cause I really want to try to make us work.... help plz...
Can he change with counseling? Perhaps, but it will be a long-term committment on his part. There would also be the memories of his past behavior looming over your relationship if you continue to be with him, which could be toxic if brought up again or you will always be wondering if he will go down that violent path again. It's better to let him go so he can get help if he wants it. Then maybe he can change and start fresh with someone else, maybe he can't. I wouldn't want to put up with it again, even if he did do a 360..the memories would be too painful.
Kellydancer
02-17-2011, 02:40 PM
A sad thread and I hope the op got out. I have had friends who justified being hit like "he had a bad day", "it was my fault", etc. WRONG, if a guy hits you get out. This is the one thing I would never allow.
However, too many think abusive means physical but it can also be verbal. I dated two very verbally abusive men. One judged me on my weight and I was never too thin for him. The second guy seemed so sweet at first and I moved in. After I moved in he started being extremely verbally abusive as well. At first I believed a lot of it so I tried doing things better. He started telling his friends I was a whore (I was dancing) and started calling me names in front of his friends. I eventually moved out when it reached that level, but looking back I wish I had done it sooner. Since then, I've read that many verbally abusive men eventually become abusers.
Since then I've become careful and made sure guys I dated were not abusive in anyway. If they made comments about anything offensive while first dating I broke up. I once met a guy who seemed like a great guy but the first date he started insulting my outfit. I never saw him again, even though that seems minor. Abusive men start small. If any guy hits me I am pressing charges. I had a guy hit me for no reason (he was the friend of my ex best friend's boyfriend) and I pressed charges. I also told my father and this guy had an "accident".
GlitterBexie
02-17-2011, 06:11 PM
I was with a physically and mentally abusive man once, whenever he would hurt me he would always come round when he'd calmed down, saying sorry didnt take away the emotional hurt and it certainly didnt take away the burns and scratches and bruises. He once put a hairdryer nozzle (which id just finished using) on my arm and held it there "as a joke". He would put his arm up suddenly as i was walking past to knock me over. He was a bully. Its so hard to walk away when they tell you they love you etc, but being abusive in ANY way is unacceptable and you dont have to put up with it, im so glad you found the strenght tho walk away. WELL DONE! ANd much love xxxxx
kitinboots
02-20-2011, 05:58 AM
My ex was never physically abusive to me, but he was mentally abusive. The names he called me, the things he accused me of, his temper because I'd been friendly when we ran into a male friend of mine. He drank a lot and got in fights all the time. When I kicked him out he had a broken hand from beating the shit out of some srtanger in the street, and he smashed up my laptop and half the flat in a drunken rage.
He was only like this when he was drunk, but he drank a LOT. So glad to be rid of him.
KaylaStarr
02-20-2011, 09:22 PM
Wow, you two just moved in together! And already he has shoved you. Do yourself a favor and get out now. If before that happens he does it again, call the police and put his violence on record. There is no excuse for a man to ever place his hands nor his abusive words on a lady. Check the public criminal records database for where you live or where he is from, if there are any prior domestic relations / domestic violence issues. GET OUT !!! End of Story!!
kisakim99
03-05-2011, 02:11 AM
you said he is going to counseling?
have you thought about getting counseling yourself?
not in a bad way, just to have someone to talk to and maybe give you a pov you might not have had before?