View Full Version : Depression Support and Recovery Thread
britt244
03-15-2008, 02:02 PM
^ thanks. i was confused, because i did think it was for bipolar disorder. that's scary to me, though, i dont think i would want my body to feel rubbery. i used to have dreams where my limbs turned to rubber and i couldnt move.
Katrine
03-15-2008, 02:17 PM
^ thanks. i was confused, because i did think it was for bipolar disorder. that's scary to me, though, i dont think i would want my body to feel rubbery. i used to have dreams where my limbs turned to rubber and i couldnt move.
Its hard to describe, but its not exactly a "rubbery" feeling. Remember, it also relaxes your mind too, it wouldn't cause an anxiety attack. As a matter of fact, when I had to take the high dose, I would get really giggly, and somewhat high for a couple of minutes. The other girls thought it was funny, they were pretty jealous that I got to get "high" in rehab. It was VERY mild though, and only lasted a few minutes. I do not recommend Seroquel for any recreational use although its a pretty good way to come down off of cocaine. Ambien works faster though.
BalletBaby
03-15-2008, 02:21 PM
I do not recommend Seroquel for any recreational use although its a pretty good way to come down off of cocaine. Ambien works faster though.
Damn. Wish I'd known that 2 years ago.
Katrine
03-15-2008, 03:01 PM
Damn. Wish I'd known that 2 years ago.
My friend's friend's ex-wife had a script for it and they gave me one a couple of years ago after partying. I swear, I was on the fucking floor and couldn't get up!! It was a good thing though, since I know many of us have been through coke withdrawal.
britt244
03-15-2008, 03:10 PM
i would be scared. my friend had a friend who died from taking a xanax after doing coke. i know its different, but i'm veeery careful about mixing drugs.
Katrine
03-15-2008, 03:15 PM
i would be scared. my friend had a friend who died from taking a xanax after doing coke. i know its different, but i'm veeery careful about mixing drugs.
I couldn't do coke without mixing with booze and xanax or Ambien. Yes, I'm a fucking fool, and I overdosed several times, but not so badly that it stopped my heart. I just suffered for about 12-20 hours, alone, in bed, making myself hurl and downing water....until my heart slowed down and I stopped convulsing.
It was fucking horrible. And I truly believe it had a huge impact on my brain chemisty, possibly forever.
I'm drinking wine now. Bad, very bad. Its making me feel better though. Help?
britt244
03-15-2008, 03:23 PM
not that it'll make you feel better, but it probably did have a lasting effect. i think the coke alone did for me.
but please stop drinking. :( it might make you feel better now but you know it won't later. call your boyfriend, watch your favorite movie, watch friends or seinfeld reruns that are on right now like i am :P , order your favorite food, do some stretching or some kind of workout. anything besides drinking.
Katrine
03-15-2008, 03:30 PM
but please stop drinking. :( it might make you feel better now but you know it won't later. call your boyfriend, watch your favorite movie, watch friends or seinfeld reruns that are on right now like i am :P , order your favorite food, do some stretching or some kind of workout. anything besides drinking.
I'm just sipping a glass of leftover wine and the BF is coming in an hour. I make him dinner before he goes to work tonight. I should throw the dishes in the wash and clean myself. But I'm looking at clothes on the internetz and surfing here.
I don't even have cable to watch a variety of things, but that's ok, I watched tv at my BF's for hours yesterday.
britt244
03-15-2008, 03:31 PM
well one glass of wine wont hurt, then! as long as you stop there :P
stellaforstars
03-15-2008, 03:53 PM
^ thanks. i was confused, because i did think it was for bipolar disorder. that's scary to me, though, i dont think i would want my body to feel rubbery. i used to have dreams where my limbs turned to rubber and i couldnt move.
I am going to take it for bipolar disorder. They often prescribe antipsychotics in order to stabilize mood, and Seroquel is not quite as dangerous as Lithium, so my doc wants to try me on that first. In fact, I'm pretty sure Seroquel is one of the few pills approved for both bipolar mania AND bipolar depression.
Katrine
03-15-2008, 04:31 PM
I am going to take it for bipolar disorder. They often prescribe antipsychotics in order to stabilize mood, and Seroquel is not quite as dangerous as Lithium, so my doc wants to try me on that first. In fact, I'm pretty sure Seroquel is one of the few pills approved for both bipolar mania AND bipolar depression.
Actually, its not approved for bipolar AT ALL...unless there have been recent changes. Its officially used for schizophrenia, but that doesn't really mean anything. Studies have shown it to be effective as an atypical mood stabilizer.
Don't get on Lithium or Depakote. I really think that bipolar is WAAAAY overdiagnosed, and most of us are likely not true bipolar. This is not to say that our sadness and emotions are invalid though.
Here are some famous people that are bipolar:
http://www.mentaljokes.com/famous_manic.html
I don't want to threadjack here, I think bipolar and depression tie in well together.
stellaforstars
03-15-2008, 04:46 PM
^^There have been. It's in all the literature my doc gave me.
loopylou
03-15-2008, 07:46 PM
Hi, I wouldn't post in here if I wasn't drunk but something about this post resonated with me. I feel guilty for posting this. I'm ok, I hold down 2 day jobs and am doing a qualification, have some good friends, am financially fairly stable and think on a good day I look ok so I have nothing to complain about. This is partly why I feel guilty and bad for feeling so low and needing Prozac just to function. OK, my family situation hasn't been the best but by no means the worst, and I feel I have no right to feel like this.
During my second hospital stay, the doctors put me on Depakote, an anti-psychotic like Seroquel, because they diagnosed me as Bipolar Type II. When I returned to my duty station afterwards, the military doctors told me I wasn't Bipolar and proceeded to wean me off of the Depakote. Military doctors SUCK, so I don't even know if I'm really Bipolar or not. My Effexor and Klonopin seem to do the trick, though. I might ask my doctor to up the dosage of my Effexor because I still have severe panic attacks. I dunno.... maybe that's just how it's supposed to be. The depression and the panic attacks are both separate diseases I assume.
TigersMilk
03-15-2008, 08:13 PM
loopylou.....You have every right to the feelings you're having. They are yours and its ok to feel them. I'm sure you would rather not feel this way as I don't want to either. Keep focusing on getting better...there's no way to feel bad about that.
Hi, I wouldn't post in here if I wasn't drunk but something about this post resonated with me. I feel guilty for posting this. I'm ok, I hold down 2 day jobs and am doing a qualification, have some good friends, am financially fairly stable and think on a good day I look ok so I have nothing to complain about. This is partly why I feel guilty and bad for feeling so low and needing Prozac just to function. OK, my family situation hasn't been the best but by no means the worst, and I feel I have no right to feel like this.
Depression is a disease. I have to pound that in my head every single day. I can't function without my meds, either, and I feel guilty sometimes, too, because it wasn't always this way. All we can do is pray that it won't always be this way... but it might be. I know I'm in a lot better shape than I was 2 years ago. I'm not suicidal anymore. The medication saved my life.
domlee
03-15-2008, 10:43 PM
Hi ladies (and men).
I obviously haven't made very many posts on this forum.
But this topic screamed to me, and I felt the need to post.
My gf (now ex-gf) is currently clinically depressed. While we've been together for 3 years...during the past 1.5 months...she has moved out. Moved to her friend's house/mansion to live.
She is juggling a full-time work schedule as well as a full-time school schedule. Basically, she would leave to be at work in the morning at 7:30am, and not be back home until say...10:30pm the earliest. I could never juggle this type of schedule, and I don't know how she does it. But obviously...you can see...something had to give.
She is completely functional at work. She works as an engineer. She is very very smart, and gifted. In terms of IQ...while never measured, I'm sure to say that she has a "genius" level IQ. Sadly,...the highly intellectual community has a higher percentage of people that are depressed and/or suffer from other mental illnesses.
During the initial week or two that she moved out...she admitted she didn't know what she was doing. There was confusion there. An inability to make a decision or understand what was going on.
Not only that...but depression runs in her family. Sadly...alcoholism does too.
She is currently seeing a psychiatrist. So at the very least, she is seeking professional help. She was given a prescription...but when we last spoke, she didn't actually start the meds yet. Was probably given a prescription for SSRI.
This is a tough time for me right now. One that I'm dealing w/ on a one day at a time basis. We both share the rent for an apartment...and w/ her gone...I'm very worried about having to scramble to find a place to live. There simply is too much stuff to liquidate and just not enough time, given that taxes are coming up, and I also have to study for my license exam. (If you've seen the Will Smith movie, Pursuit of Happyness...that may mirror my life. I'm studying for THAT exam...and I may end up homeless).
The depression is causing her to pull away from everyone...and w/ that...me. She is also feeling guilt, loneliness, helplessness, etc.
The reason she is at her friend's house...is because...of a few things. That friend...is oblivious to the seriousness of her illness. Thinks it is "normal". Not only that, but the mansion is HUGE enough that she can literally hide away for a whole week. To complicate matters,...the house is filled w/ alcohol...and her friend brings her out clubbing/partying...so that isn't helping her. In short, the environment isn't ideal.
With all that I just said...
While my relationship w/ my gf is on hold. My friendship to her is not. It is hard having to deal w/ this situation...but I can't turn my back on her. I'm maintaining contact w/ her because I only have her cell and work number. I know she has been avoiding me. I don't call her every day, to give her the space she needs/wants. I emailed her to let her know that I'm here for the support. I researched depression and even attended a depression support group to understand what I'm dealing with. Everyone in the support group says to keep doing what I'm doing...and one day she'll realize what she has/had. I'm going above and beyond what most guys would normally do. I know that. But in the end...I'm losing not just my gf...but my best friend as well. This was the girl that I was going to marry. We talked about it and saw it in our future. Now...I don't know what will happen...
It sucks having to go through this. Some people who are not aware of the details...have said to move on. But if they were in her shoes...would they want someone like me, being there? As much as I can understand I may be a PITA during this confusing time,...everyone that has been depressed said I was doing the right thing.
Ultimately...you can only help those that want to be helped. I can only be there for the support...or be there when I get a phone call for help.
For those of you who are suffering from depression or are seeing a friend go through depression, here are two groups that I've recently discovered.
The 2nd link...I found a local group near me that is focused for individuals like me (such as family members) that have a loved one experiencing depression.
To those of you that suffer from depression...please take care of yourselves.
VegasPrincess
03-16-2008, 12:31 AM
I didn't read this whole thread cause I am so sleepy, but I was on Lexapro for anxiety and it made me COMPLETELY spaced out.
I remember starting at my laundry, unable to figure out how to put it away...everyything just felt wrong...
couldn't make any decesions, etc.
Fuck that shit. Maybe it works for some people but use it with caution....
loopylou
03-16-2008, 02:31 AM
Thanks for your messages of support. I do need to remember that depression is an illness and that I need the medication to treat it and keep me well. I mean, if someone had diabetes no-one would judge them for taking insulin every day! I think it's all too easy for other people to judge you because of course, I don't want to feel like this, but I do and that's the reality. I love SW for that reason as you're all so supportive compared to the rest of the 'outside world' and I don't feel judged.
kikidejavu
03-17-2008, 02:39 PM
i am heated. because i just realized i am clinically depressed. i don't know what to do with myself i wanna slap a ho , maybe i would feel better lol
i need to get some health insurance so maybe i can get some pills. its kinda nice knowing what is wrong with me, but as the same time..... damn i gotta fight with myself to be happy for the rest of my life?
i just turned 19, and its like since i been in college, ive been doing things, and things have been happening to me that will affect me the rest of my life.
in high school, everything was temporary, but now shit matters.
its a hard adjustment to know that some things i cant just start over
RoseLeigh
03-17-2008, 03:04 PM
I had my vaca. I worked 3 hours, left and didn't go back. I really really liked Maine and I want to go back and work, but I needed a break. I cried a lot this weekend and took Lush baths. I hope I got some of that sadness out, for good.
I still feel pretty hustleless and hideous, though I feel better today. I sold my car and paid a bill, which is a little load off my shoulders. But I have to go back to work tomorrow. My therapist thinks I need to quit dancing, at least in this area. I agree.
Katrine
03-17-2008, 05:04 PM
Today was a low point, bunch of drama. Something big happened. My boss almost fired me, and I mentioned it to a friend over email, as I was subsequently really down. He called my father and the place I went for drug treatment. Then they called my father and told him they were sending an ambulance to my home.
I was in the office working the entire time and had my phone on mute. They told my dad I've been drinking again and he is really concerned. So are a lot of people. It really snapped me out of my pity party.
So I filled my Seroquel and am going to see my favorite band in concert shortly.
Ladies and gents...you are loved, just so you know.
BrunetteGoddess
03-17-2008, 05:30 PM
I seriously think that I may have borderline personality disorder. My symptoms are too frequent and severe to fit in the bipolar criteria. It's kind of scary to think about, but once I get health insurance and can see a doctor, maybe I can get on meds and feel more balanced.
I constantly feel out of synch!
I'm sorry I'm not doing much supporting in this thread; I'm having a depressive selfish period....
Hot2Trot
03-18-2008, 02:01 PM
Good Day to you all: BrunetteGoddess, Virgoamm, cameron_keys, stellaforstars, Yekhefah, Katrine, RoseLeigh, iambonbon05, abluehawaiipls, TheSexKitten, BalletBaby, Mily, Loopylou, Domlee, VegasPrincess, kikidejavu (and you little eyeballs who don’t have the heart to post, just blink, and that’s fine!).
First of all, talking about your feelings here, or with anyone else, is Awesome! Most people who feel depressed also report feelings of loneliness and/or being misunderstood, so your posts in this thread are extremely commendable!
Secondly, with no intentions of simplifying the agony of depression, which is a very serious state, it is my experience, that I notice that a common theme of depression seems to be “What could have been,” or perceived “Missed Opportunities…”
May I suggest that everyone here is exactly where they are supposed to be in their life path (May I?)? Example: Not all of us are meant to be “celebrities,” and what’s the big deal about them anyway? They are just as unhappy, if not moreso, as their “regular people” counterparts.
You were “supposed” to have been further in life by now? Making more money, perhaps? You were “supposed” to have been “discovered” by now? You should have gone to that college? You should have talked to that person, or not talked with that person? You have a mountain of debt that doesn’t seem to be moving? You were offered an internship with NASA in high school which your parent did not allow you to accept?
Yes, I still propose WE ARE ALL EXACTLY WHERE WE NEED TO BE IN OUR LIVES!
For What Life can we live, but the Life we have? Corporations are happy to keep you feeling inadequate- that way, their direct marketing of the lives that are fabricated and presented to us to sell us crap we don’t need reaches their target audience- “Low-Self Esteem” group, and let me tell you, none of you need to have low-self esteem!
In each of us, and in each of our lives is so much beauty! Beauty that CANNOT be bottled and sold!
:flirt: .
Hot2Trot
03-18-2008, 02:02 PM
When I used to live in NYC, my family was worried about the fact that I would have conversations with almost every homeless person I would run into. I thought I could somehow help them, somehow, and since nobody else seemed to care, I felt like I was the only one to do so. I would give them change or food, just offer an ear, since people would just step over them so casually. And I found that these conversations taught me and helped me so much (See my siggy)! I felt sorry for these people and figured that they needed me, or somebody, to “help them,” but do you know what I discovered in my conversations with them? Many of them were homeless, but unlike so many people who had Things, they were happy!
That was a shockingly mind-warping concept for me! You may be asking yourself, “How could they possibly be happy?” "No one chooses to be homeless." While that is true for many homeless people, most of the homeless people I spoke to once had Things too- Nice homes, great jobs (what a feat in NYC!) and coming upon hard times, decided that it was better to embrace a “simple life of less stress” than fight “to keep their bills.” Believe it or not, these homeless people valued their freedom most and therein laid their happiness! Feeling pressed on all sides, they let go of their Things- the things which we allow to define ourselves, and discovered that they were not their Things.
They valued not having to be part of the “Rat Race”- as a matter of fact, one of them once told me he felt sorry for us "scurrying about like we were going to get whooped by our Massas" (LoL- They were so funny too)! Amongst their peers, they were all the same- A small community that helped each other as much as they could. In other words, they traded-in the pressures of the world that we take on by choice (every action taken is by choice), to wear everything they own on their backs and know that they don’t have to deal with societal pressures because they are, as one gentleman explained to me, “the invisible members of society.” Another gentleman in particular shared with me that not having a home allowed him to wake up with the birds, watch the sunrise every morning without having to worry about paying rent or utilities, allowing him a new address wherever and whenever he wanted. He likened his being homeless to truly “trusting in his Creator,” which I found to be so absolutely compelling!
Now, this was impressive and as you can imagine, left a huge impact on me. Not to say that homeless people are "living it up," and in no way am I suggesting that any of you become homeless. Blessings to you all in all you do. What I illustrate with this story is that perhaps what makes us sad is not the Lives we have, but the Things that we want, but don’t have for some reason. Or the Things that we wanted, successfully attained, and now owe towards and can't pay, or don’t want anymore.
:flirt: .
Hot2Trot
03-18-2008, 02:05 PM
Perhaps what makes us sad is that rather than embrace this beautifully unique gift of life we each have and the path it has developed on, perhaps we want somebody else’s life, somebody else’s house, somebody else’s car, etc. …
It is great, and necessary to have goals, but Let our goals be our goals, not the end all be all. For many a time we have attained something we wished for, with every ounce of our souls, and been miserably disappointed, left unsatisfied, unhappy and desperately cheated.
Our Life may not be what we originally pictured it as, or how our parents/families/friends/educational systems/employers/societies/media (television/music videos) indoctrinated us to believe we should end up, lest we be failures; But Our Lives are Our Gift (It's really the only truly valuable thing we possess in this world)-
And there is so much potential and possibility for us all yet- We don't even know all of the opportunities that are ahead of us! And giving up on this thought, IMHO, is the definition of depression;
:) !
Take care, all of you. And hang in there! There is never a rainbow without rain (Sorry for those of you who do not appreciate the rainbow analogy :P ). Cast your eyes towards the Beauty in your lives and cast away what could have been. For if it would have been meant to have been, it would/will be.
Embrace WHAT IS, which is YOU, RIGHT NOW, TODAY!
Hugs to you all- Let's keep on trucking through this beautifully complicated mess we call Life;
:grouphug: .
:flirt: .
kikidejavu
03-18-2008, 04:15 PM
thats really beautiful ^ and i am inclined to believe that yes i am exactly where i am supposed to be, so i don't regret, because it made me who i am, which is a beautiful person in and out.
xoxoGracexoxo
03-18-2008, 06:20 PM
Hi! I'm glad I found this thread. I was diagnosed with clinical depression in my early twenties, and had been depressed much longer than that, but tried to deal with it myself all through my teens. Three years ago I started taking Lexapro, and it worked really well for me. I had nearly two years of good, stable, happiness.
In the last year, I've taken on a lot of responsibilities. I'm putting my boyfriend through school. I'm working on an ambitious dayjob project. And I'm dancing full-time to pay my bills. I'm very tired and more and more I wonder whether I can do this at all. I went to the doctor yesterday and got my Lexapro dosage doubled. Hopefully this will help, because I'm at the end of my rope.
Today, I got some negative feedback about my dayjob project from a potential funder. In a way, it was helpful, but because of the state I'm in, I just started sinking into deeper and deeper sadness. Right now I'm at my house, trying to get drunk off anything I can find around the house. My boyfriend got home from school a little while ago and I tried to talk to him about my feelings. His response was, "I can't be around you when you're like this." And he left. I don't know where he is or when he's coming back.
I want to die so much. I know that's stupid. I know that objectively I have lots to live for, etc. etc. etc. But I just want to be done with everything. I don't have any hope anymore that I can pull off this huge project that is my life. I'm not going to kill myself -- I'm a very responsible person with excellent impulse control -- but I just feel so strange and out-of-control, I'm scared.
hockeybobby
03-18-2008, 06:31 PM
Everything is going to be allright Grace.
I have to go play hockey now, but I'll be back later if you want to chat. ok?
hb
kikidejavu
03-18-2008, 06:32 PM
im sorry you feel so sucky sweetie. remember this is only temporary, you will not feel this way forever. you will have happy days once again. btw try not to get sucked into a drinking problem, that will only make matters worse. check out "the weirdest thing ive ever seen porn" thread, and watch the videos, hella funny=distraction
Thank you for taking the time to write those beautiful posts, H2T. I do know that I am exactly where I'm supposed to be right now... and I always pray for God to keep walking beside me so that I can continue to grow stronger, healthier, and happier with time. I know I will. :)
Grace, you just got your med dosage increased. Give it a few days, it takes time, that may have been what you needed. I need to talk to my doctor, too, about upping my dosage because I've been super stressed and depressed lately... but I know it will pass. I have my good days and my bad days. We all do. :hug:
Katrine
03-18-2008, 07:17 PM
Grace, do you have my number? Call me if you want to chat! A very supportive old school SW girl helped me get out of my funk the othe day!
domlee
03-18-2008, 09:31 PM
Me...being the now ex-bf trying to help my clinically depressed gf....
It is taking it's toll on me. Right now, I'm extremely sad. Tearing up because I just watched The Biggest Loser Couples...and the episode showed some of the contestants walking down a runway and being surprised by their significant other.
It is hard when I'm trying to be supportive, but in the current situation...my (ex) gf lives away and is seemingly pulling away from me. I know it isn't necessarily her that is making the decisions per say. But it still hurts.
I took a week off from work earlier this month. And during those days, I made a point of dropping off Starbucks or fruit in the morning, just to let her know that I'm here for her. Also to ask if she could have lunch. Sadly...she said she wasn't able to have lunch w/ me during her lunch break. I know it is the depression that is causing her to make excuses. And I certainly know when I'm being avoided.
It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt...
I'm losing my gf and best friend out of this. And it hurts bad...
Every person that has been diagnosed w/ depression and/or bi-polar disorder...has said I'm doing the right thing. Saying I'm doing far more than anyone would typically do, and that she truly is lucky to have someone like me. Sadly...she doesn't know it right now. And it hurts.
Sorry...just venting for the sake of my own therapy through this ordeal...
hockeybobby
03-18-2008, 09:59 PM
Hi! I'm glad I found this thread. I was diagnosed with clinical depression in my early twenties, and had been depressed much longer than that, but tried to deal with it myself all through my teens. Three years ago I started taking Lexapro, and it worked really well for me. I had nearly two years of good, stable, happiness.
In the last year, I've taken on a lot of responsibilities. I'm putting my boyfriend through school. I'm working on an ambitious dayjob project. And I'm dancing full-time to pay my bills. I'm very tired and more and more I wonder whether I can do this at all. I went to the doctor yesterday and got my Lexapro dosage doubled. Hopefully this will help, because I'm at the end of my rope.
Today, I got some negative feedback about my dayjob project from a potential funder. In a way, it was helpful, but because of the state I'm in, I just started sinking into deeper and deeper sadness. Right now I'm at my house, trying to get drunk off anything I can find around the house. My boyfriend got home from school a little while ago and I tried to talk to him about my feelings. His response was, "I can't be around you when you're like this." And he left. I don't know where he is or when he's coming back.
I want to die so much. I know that's stupid. I know that objectively I have lots to live for, etc. etc. etc. But I just want to be done with everything. I don't have any hope anymore that I can pull off this huge project that is my life. I'm not going to kill myself -- I'm a very responsible person with excellent impulse control -- but I just feel so strange and out-of-control, I'm scared.
Grace, what are you most afraid of right now? What is your scariest thought?
cameron_keys
03-18-2008, 10:00 PM
domlee..maybe shes avoiding you to save you. So you wont see her when shes like this.Man of us become extremely anti social during depressive episodes. Just keep reminding her that you are there whenever she needs you.
domlee
03-18-2008, 11:02 PM
cameron
What she doesn't realize, is avoiding me is making it worse. I've always been the nurturing type. And will readily face anything together. That is what makes a couple strong when they can overcome obstacles together. Right now...I feel so helpless.
I spoke w/ an individual that was diagnosed w/ bi-polar disorder. He said that he could relate to what she is feeling (by breaking up w/ me)...because for him, he could also function by going to work. But once he got home...he couldn't take any more stress from anything else. When he had his first episode...he pushed away everyone. He also did exactly what she did. He broke up w/ his partner because he couldn't handle it. Even though nothing was wrong, at that time...his thoughts were he just couldn't handle it.
I guess this gave me a bit of insight about what she may be thinking.
We've had heart to heart conversations when this first started. She said she wasn't looking to date anyone. And that it was something personal. Sad how depression can affect someone to where...she can't see why we can't go through it together, instead of alone. She told her psychiatrist...that I was near-perfect for her. And we both admit to missing each other. So it is heartbreaking for me...
*My posts in this thread make me sound like a crybaby*
Dom
RoseLeigh
03-19-2008, 01:42 AM
I wish I did feel like this is where I'm supposed to be. I just don't. I feel inadequate compared to ME. To who I am inside. Not sure how to sort that out.
I am trying though-I'm doing my version of the list (like Kaylinn posted) everyday and checking it off. I've switched clubs (again), because I just don't want ANYONE touching me anymore, even the bf and that's not okay. It's not low contact by any means, but you get tipped from inside the bar, instead of the outside, while guys try to grope you for a dollar. Screw that ghetto club. Having no schedule is not worth that. I really want my bf mojo back. I don't want to be a hermit who can't stand to be touched. It's a start.
xoxoGracexoxo
03-19-2008, 08:10 AM
Grace, what are you most afraid of right now? What is your scariest thought?
It's hard to define. I just fear failure...not being able to carry out all my committments, to other people and to myself. It doesn't make a lot of sense. I know that "failure" is an imaginary concept, that it derives from ego attachment to the outcomes of one's actions. I know that the most important people in my life will love me, even if I don't do everything perfectly.
I get overwhelmed when I think about the bigness of everything I've taken on. But there's no point in thinking like that. All I can do is break down the big tasks into little tasks and just do what I can do today.
Usually I know all this, but sometimes I lose perspective. Loss of perspective is one of the biggest symptoms, for me. I can keep my head together for a while, but after a few weeks of feeling sad every day, it starts to feel like everything is going to hurt forever, and I just want to give up.
Today, though, I feel OK so far. I'm going to have breakfast and go for a walk and then try to get a little bit of work done before I go to the club. Thanks for the support, lovely people.
hockeybobby
03-19-2008, 08:35 AM
It's hard to define. I just fear failure...not being able to carry out all my committments, to other people and to myself. It doesn't make a lot of sense. I know that "failure" is an imaginary concept, that it derives from ego attachment to the outcomes of one's actions. I know that the most important people in my life will love me, even if I don't do everything perfectly.
I get overwhelmed when I think about the bigness of everything I've taken on. But there's no point in thinking like that. All I can do is break down the big tasks into little tasks and just do what I can do today.
Usually I know all this, but sometimes I lose perspective. Loss of perspective is one of the biggest symptoms, for me. I can keep my head together for a while, but after a few weeks of feeling sad every day, it starts to feel like everything is going to hurt forever, and I just want to give up.
Today, though, I feel OK so far. I'm going to have breakfast and go for a walk and then try to get a little bit of work done before I go to the club. Thanks for the support, lovely people.
It seems normal to me that you would have the feelings you're having. You have a lot invested emotionally in your project. When you have a setback with that, doubts creep in. But I don't see you as a giver-upper. I see you reflecting on the setback and then meeting the challenge.
All of the big things in your life at the moment...your project, your dancing career, your relationship and financial support of your bf, are all capable of throwing a big friggin' fuck at you at any time. Dealing with one is hard enough, dealing with all three at the same time...well, your not supergirl.
Will you be able to cope? Tomorrow...next week...next month? The answer is yes. You'll wonder about it at times like these when it's a shit storm. But in the time it takes to have the thought "I can't cope"...you will have coped for another few moments. You got through the night, and you got through the morning. And today things aren't quite as bad. And so it goes.
I wish your bf could have been more helpful. You needed kindness, and a sympathetic ear last night...not much more. You are strong Grace.
TheSexKitten
03-19-2008, 01:04 PM
I went to work last night, did well, and came home. I made a joking snarky little comment to the bf about how he likes to let his food sit around for a half hour before he eats it (because he'll be playing wow or studying), and he kept on like,
"You're getting really mad at me, why you gotta be so bitchy? I'm just calling you on your attitude." etc etc etc
At first I annoyedly (is that a word?) tried to deflect it, saying stuff like "If this is what I'm like when I'm 'really mad' then I must say I'm an easygoing person"
So finally, in front of his brother, I got super frustrated and aggravated and started yelling and slamming shit. I stormed into our other room, the bro left, and I just cried by myself in the closet. Then I came out half an hour later to get bedding and went to sleep crying. The bf made weak attempts at "What did I say to make you so upset"
And he obviously doesnt get it
And if he can;t see why being groped and patronized and commodified all night shouldn't affect me because I'm, making sooo much money then he's a shitty excuse for a bf
FUCK i feel way too shitty for the current situation
xoxoGracexoxo
03-19-2008, 01:27 PM
But I don't see you as a giver-upper. I see you reflecting on the setback and then meeting the challenge.
You are strong Grace.
Thank you. It's so sweet, and yet so frustrating, when people tell me things like this. Of course, they always turn out to be right. I AM strong, and I always DO pull through. But sometimes, in the moment, I just don't know what people are talking about -- I swear I feel two inches tall and incompetent even to tie my own shoes.
hockeybobby
03-19-2008, 01:46 PM
Thank you. It's so sweet, and yet so frustrating, when people tell me things like this. Of course, they always turn out to be right. I AM strong, and I always DO pull through. But sometimes, in the moment, I just don't know what people are talking about -- I swear I feel two inches tall and incompetent even to tie my own shoes.
I experience similar feelings at times. There seems to be two ways I go...either distracting myself with other thoughts or activities in order to grab some peaceful (inside my head) moments; or attacking the thoughts of failure or inferiority head-on.
My thoughts on failure are usually along the lines of: I'm a loser. I will never be successful in my career. I'm wasting my life doing unimportant things. Everyone I know is better/smarter/richer/stronger/funner than me.
RoseLeigh
03-19-2008, 03:22 PM
I went to work last night, did well, and came home. I made a joking snarky little comment to the bf about how he likes to let his food sit around for a half hour before he eats it (because he'll be playing wow or studying), and he kept on like,
"You're getting really mad at me, why you gotta be so bitchy? I'm just calling you on your attitude." etc etc etc
I'm sorry TSK. I hate when people act defensive and try to put it on me. Do you need him to stop with the WOW when you come home and have dinner with you? I hate being ignored for a computer.
hockeybobby
03-19-2008, 03:52 PM
For those dealing with persistent negative thoughts, there is an author named Byron Katie, who's books, "Loving What Is", and others, have helped me quite a bit. She has a process called "the work" which helps to deal with these thoughts...not stopping them from popping into our heads, but rather, presenting contradictory alternatives which are as true, or truer to ourself, allowing the negative thought to leave us be.
General thoughts along the line of - I should be something (more successful, less incompetent) other than what I am, can be examined and exposed as lies we believe about ourself. Telling ourselves lies feels the same inside as telling someone else a lie. We believe a thought, it makes us feel bad. We realise without that thought we are, whatever...happy hockeybobby going about his business. Belief in an untrue thought, that is, a thought that is not consistent with reality..."I should be something other than what I am"...is the source of our suffering, not external events.
It could be argued that all human suffering (not physical pain) is caused by belief in thoughts that are not true.
The work is done like this:
The thought is: I should be more successful.
!) is this true?
2) can you absolutely be certain that this statement is true? Is it possible that you are precisely as successful as you should be at this moment. Reality is a compelling argument that it's as true or truer to say that you shouldn't be more successful than you are at the moment.
3) how does this thought "I should be more successful" make you feel inside?
4) who would you be without this thought?
Turn the thought around..."I shouldn't be more successful". Does this thought feel truer inside.
For anyone interested in more information, here is a website:
http://www.thework.com/about.asp
You are such a sweetheart, hb. Thanks for all of your support in this thread. :hug:
Farrah_Holiday
03-19-2008, 04:41 PM
I had a pretty bad depressive episode myself today. I was hospitalized for depression for four weeks when I was twelve; it's been a lifelong battle for me as well, and likely always will be. I find that medication makes it worse. Happy pills give me panic attacks because I don't know what they're doing to my body, and I do believe they cause more problems than they solve. We are an overmedicated population and it's all to make drug companies wealthy. I refuse to participate.
I do find that regular exercise helps a lot. It's about the only thing that does. If you haven't tried an hour a day of good vigorous exercise, give it a go. I still have to sacrifice a day or two a month to depression, but the rest of the time I'm happy and I know it's genuine, not chemical.
Thank you so much for your openess and honesty ! I usually feel like I'm failing at life when I have to "submit" to depression a day or so out of the month. It's good to know I'm not alone.
stellaforstars
03-19-2008, 04:55 PM
I feel like I want to die again.
I'm not saying I'm suicidal, because I don't think I'd ever make the choice to attempt to take my life again, but I want it all to just end. I must be having a particularly bad day. I don't even know where it's coming from.
hockeybobby
03-19-2008, 05:07 PM
I feel like I want to die again.
I'm not saying I'm suicidal, because I don't think I'd ever make the choice to attempt to take my life again, but I want it all to just end. I must be having a particularly bad day. I don't even know where it's coming from.
Going to sleep is kind of like dying. What if you were to make yourself a cup of hot chocolate, snuggle up under the covers, take a sleeping pill, read for a while and then go to sleep. Tomorrow, you may wake up, and have a whole new outlook.
If this suggestion sounds stupid, or not right for you...well, what do you expect from a boy? see, I can pretty much say anything. :D
RoseLeigh
03-19-2008, 05:32 PM
I feel like I want to die again.
I'm not saying I'm suicidal, because I don't think I'd ever make the choice to attempt to take my life again, but I want it all to just end. I must be having a particularly bad day. I don't even know where it's coming from.
I know that feeling Stella. I feel like that lots of days. I don't want to make it happen, but if it would all just STOP I'd be so thankful.
stellaforstars
03-20-2008, 07:32 AM
UGH. When will the hard days end? I want some manic behavior. That sounds nice right about now.