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hockeybobby
03-20-2008, 08:09 AM
UGH. When will the hard days end? I want some manic behavior. That sounds nice right about now.

Coming soon stella. I love my manic times too. What? it's bad to float on a happy cloud for weeks? Come ooooooon sunshine ;D

Hot2Trot
03-20-2008, 08:40 AM
thats really beautiful ^ and i am inclined to believe that yes i am exactly where i am supposed to be, so i don't regret, because it made me who i am, which is a beautiful person in and out.


:hug: .

Oh, kikidejavu, that is EXACTLY the point! Every accomplishment, every rejection, every failure and every challenge has molded us and who were are.

It takes many attempts and many failures to gain even 1 success. While the lot give up, the one who perseveres will attain that key to success.

Picture an infant on his back in a crib. If the infant never attempted to roll on its side, and never attempted to crawl on its own, it would never learn to walk. The child who learns to walk has to fail many times before they do in order to gain the experience and learn the many variations of what doesn't work before finding the neuromuscular combination of signals that will result in its accomplishing its first steps.

The key is to focus not on what is wrong, but how can we make it better? If the babies, frustrated, simply gave up and were defeated by their challenges, we would have a society full of adults in diapers who never learned to walk;

http://www.babyapparels.com/Images_Furniture/bc8small.jpg;

:P .


:flirt: .

murdock
03-20-2008, 08:48 AM
I have put off posting in this thread because I had no idea what I could add, but so much of what people have posted here describes how I feel far too often, especially the feeling of not wanting to carry on. (The Tool song "The Patient" comes to mind often.)
The most frustrating thing for me is knowing that my life is good but not being able to enjoy it.

Hot2Trot
03-20-2008, 08:54 AM
xoxoGracexoxo, I am sorry for all of the stress you are under.

I agree with kikidejavu when she wrote:

remember this is only temporary, you will not feel this way forever.

I can relate to the strange and out of control feeling Grace. I have a daily agenda and when multiple things get knocked out of my schedule, it nags at me because I don't know what to expect. At the same time, I have had many unexpected experiences and opportunities to learn something arise from these "unscheduled" moments in my life, so had my schedule not opened up, I would be devoid of these.

Soon enough, you will be looking at this as part of your past, a very difficult one, which you were able to overcome, become stronger for and gain new experience to apply towards new and promising challenges. I know it's a lot to juggle- The best we can do is just roll with the punches and try to learn something from what we are going through.

I know it’s tough- Hang in there;
:hug: .


:flirt: .

Hot2Trot
03-20-2008, 09:11 AM
RoseLeigh, Yes it is definitely a start and do not undermine that!

Are you not crediting yourself for all of the steps you have consciously taken so far to match who you really are on the inside (i.e. how you feel) with who you are on the outside (i.e. where you work)?

Basically, you were sick of the crap, and have moved onto a place where you have to deal with it less. It might not be ideally where you plan to end up, but that is a huge step up! Like our physical footsteps, each step will progressively get us closer and closer to our goals.

Believe in YOU. I know I do and I am sure you have a ton of people who do as well;
:) .


:flirt: .

Chicagoeditor
03-20-2008, 09:52 AM
A friend of mine, about to go through a necessary yet sad divorce, is basically on suicide watch. Another friend--he once spent months in his apartment, unable to go to work--called me a day ago to admit he's "cycling down" again. Both guys have families with young kids.

These tales of woe put my own periodic moodiness & depression in context. I don't feel I'm stronger or smarter than either of these friends. I just feel very lucky.

Oh, and another thing. Now that we're OFFICIALLY in Spring (despite the winter storm that's on track to hit here tonight), I've given up on booze for the time being. It's been a week without even a glass of wine. (Being sick and feverish is an excellent way to jumpstart sobriety, I'd say.) I generally go a few months like this.

Regarding changing behaviors in general, my experience and reading tells me it takes 5 to 6 weeks for a new behavior to "stick," be it a diet, an exercise program, etc.

Hot2Trot
03-20-2008, 09:54 AM
I have put off posting in this thread because I had no idea what I could add, but so much of what people have posted here describes how I feel far too often, especially the feeling of not wanting to carry on. (The Tool song "The Patient" comes to mind often.)
The most frustrating thing for me is knowing that my life is good but not being able to enjoy it.

murdock, welcome! So glad that you decided to post.
:hug: .

Not wanting to carry on ("I just want to sleep through all of this pain") IMHO, sounds like mental exhaustion, aka burn-out.

I am sorry about your frustration. I guess the question would be, what do you feel would make it possible for you to be able to enjoy your life? It has been my experience that highly creative individuals begin to feel this way when their creativity has been stifled. For the artistically minded, the inability to create is depression, or a "block."

"If there were no desire to heal a damaged and broken (wo)man along this tedious path I've chosen here, I certainly would've walked away by now."(Skip the next bar!)

If there were no desire to "heal," but thankfully is not the case. We always seek healing, as we are at our optimal best for success and achievement when we are in fact well and not "ill."

"But (you're/we're) still right here, giving blood, keeping faith...And (you're/we're) still right here," murdock.
And we can keep each other company here;
:) .


:flirt: .

Hot2Trot
03-20-2008, 10:18 AM
I want some manic behavior. That sounds nice right about now.

Is this good for you stellaforstars?

http://manicmess.typepad.com/blog/images/diver-thumb.jpg

http://farm1.static.flickr.com/67/170500174_d15d6c5541.jpg?v=0

http://www.kleinedingen.nl/diary/pictures/never1.jpg

:P .


:flirt: .

Hot2Trot
03-20-2008, 10:38 AM
Sorry to hear about your friends' situations Chicagoeditor and also, about your own;
:-[ .

Congratulations on your wine-free week!
:) .



Regarding changing behaviors in general, my experience and reading tells me it takes 5 to 6 weeks for a new behavior to "stick," be it a diet, an exercise program, etc.

Great observation and thank you for sharing. It has been my experience that the most difficult part about attaining a desired behaviour seems to be the self-control and self-discipline required by an individual to "stick" with the program.

It is the end result that motivates us. We must desire the Goal more than our current desires which are currently keeping us from it enough to fight, even ourselves, to attain it.

Feel better soon Chicagoeditor.


:flirt: .

xoxoGracexoxo
03-20-2008, 01:38 PM
At the same time, I have had many unexpected experiences and opportunities to learn something arise from these "unscheduled" moments in my life, so had my schedule not opened up, I would be devoid of these.

Soon enough, you will be looking at this as part of your past, a very difficult one, which you were able to overcome, become stronger for and gain new experience to apply towards new and promising challenges. I know it's a lot to juggle- The best we can do is just roll with the punches and try to learn something from what we are going through.


Thanks so much for the message of support. I am feeling much better today. I think the medication might even be starting to kick in a little bit.

You're absolutely right...I tend to panic when things don't go exactly as I planned, when in reality very few of the best things that have happened to me have been the result of perfect planning. Life is full of happy accidents.

I make myself unhappy when I stop being flexible about the future. I convince myself that there is only one right way for things to happen, and I am 100% responsible for making things happen that way. The truth is, there are many ways for things to go right...I can live through whatever happens. My life has been full of difficult times, but when I look back, I wouldn't give up any of them. They've all made me who I am, and I like being that person.

I'm at a time in my life where I have to make a lot of decisions, not just for myself, but for other people too. I find it difficult...I'm always afraid I'm going to do something wrong and my whole life will just come crashing down.

These feelings were so destructive for me, for the last day or two, I've been teaching myself to accept and live with the idea that INEVITABLY I am going to make mistakes. I am not going to do everything perfectly. Some of my mistakes may turn into happy accidents. Some of my mistakes may make life harder, but that's OK, because I'll learn from them.

In the unlikely event that I make some mistake SOOOO egregrious that my entire life DOES fall apart ::) -- well, I'll just pick up the pieces and move on. I've done it many times before, and the new life is always better than the old one.

A lot of my differences with my boyfriend have to do with the fact that he's just a much more relaxed individual than I am. When I present my worries to him, he doesn't even know what I'm talking about, because to him our life is already perfect and there are no problems. He's also totally OK with the idea of being evicted from out apartment and moving into our VW bus. I swear, the boy was a Zen monk in a previous lifetime. He practices santosha wherever he goes.

xoxoGracexoxo
03-20-2008, 01:52 PM
"But (you're/we're) still right here, giving blood, keeping faith...And (you're/we're) still right here,"

*humming along*

hockeybobby
03-20-2008, 02:12 PM
Glad you're feeling better Grace. ;)

RoseLeigh
03-20-2008, 02:29 PM
RoseLeigh, Yes it is definitely a start and do not undermine that!

Are you not crediting yourself for all of the steps you have consciously taken so far to match who you really are on the inside (i.e. how you feel) with who you are on the outside (i.e. where you work)?

Basically, you were sick of the crap, and have moved onto a place where you have to deal with it less. It might not be ideally where you plan to end up, but that is a huge step up! Like our physical footsteps, each step will progressively get us closer and closer to our goals.

Believe in YOU. I know I do and I am sure you have a ton of people who do as well;
:) .


:flirt: .

Thank you. I'm trying! My therapist said a lot of the same to me today (You aren't a therapist, are you?). I'm doing okay today. I feel a little cryingish, but I think in a cathartic way. I'm stuck for now, without a car, but well, I save a little money on insurance and stuff. Nothing I can do, until I work some more. Wooosah. :)

Ooooh, the Neverending Story, er, thingy. I forget it's name. So cute.

hockeybobby
03-20-2008, 02:37 PM
Was it Falcor Rose?

RoseLeigh
03-20-2008, 02:43 PM
Was it Falcor Rose?

YES! It was. What a great movie.

Haha-the way you wrote it "Falcor Rose". I totally need wings.

loopylou
03-20-2008, 04:47 PM
Guys, I think a lot of it is the notion of 'success' and what we 'should be doing' at whatever stage of our lives. If we are doing a job or are in a relatiomship or a friendship that utilises our good qualities, if we have good qualities then isn't that a form of success? I think we are so bombarded with images of what we should be doing by certain life stages such as buying a house, relationships, having kids, having a 'respectable' job etc. that we feel guilty for taking life as it comes in our own timeframe. I'm sure this contributes to my depression but what I've realised is that I wouldn't swap with those people who pity me in A million years cos I'm living my life the way I want to not how I 'should' and every other unconventional person like me has so much strength and independent thought.

loopylou
03-20-2008, 04:51 PM
:)
Sorry for bumping but I think independent thinking people are equally cursed and blessed

murdock
03-21-2008, 03:31 AM
Hot2Trot, you're just lovely. Thanks.
Not up to thinking about this enough to write more right now, but thanks for the welcome and support.

hockeybobby
03-21-2008, 10:27 AM
I posted this in the Random thread as well.
I just listened to a very cool interesting radio program on the CBC here that was about the science of being happy. There is a book out on what the lady scientist was talking about. Here is a link to Indigo...probably available on Amazon as well:

How of Happiness (http://www.chapters.indigo.ca/books/How-Of-Happiness-Sonja-Lyubomirsky/9781594201486-item.html?s_campaign=goo-NF-Heal-How_Of_Happiness_The&s_kwcid=the%20how%20of%20happiness|2232642438&gclid=CPmOlIDbnpICFQsnxgod4CVVXg&pticket=swdmi3esly4cu345kqo3yrburpnM7qBNZYCZoVWDj5 CbwnlHOiw%3d)

hockeybobby
03-21-2008, 12:49 PM
Here is an excerpt from the book: How of Happiness (http://chass.ucr.edu/faculty_book/lyubomirsky/excerpt.html)

TheSexKitten
03-21-2008, 02:20 PM
Thanks for posting that, HockeyBobby. :)

I saw my dad's therapist today. She was a genuinely kind, insightful woman AND she wasn't judgmental about my job at all. My co-pay was $15, I'm feeling a weight lifted off my chest, and I can't wait until my next appointment. :3

stellaforstars
03-21-2008, 08:40 PM
Yesterday I wanted to die.

Today, I want to kill myself.

Mily
03-21-2008, 08:53 PM
^If you really mean that, please call a loved one or a friend RIGHT NOW. You shouldn't be by yourself, if you are.

BrunetteGoddess
03-21-2008, 09:03 PM
I WISH I could get some of the euphoric manic behavior! Lately all I'm getting is the volatile, angry, irritated kind of manic behavior.

hockeybobby
03-21-2008, 09:45 PM
stella...are you quite certain it's time for you to die? Have you seen all you want to see, and done all you want to do? Could you maybe have one more kind word for a friend who needs it? Wouldn't you like to see the sunrise tomorrow, and hear the birds outside your window?

You are just getting started stella. You're a smart girl, you know you are just going through a real rough patch right now, and that isn't going to continue forever. It'll be ok.

stellaforstars
03-22-2008, 06:50 AM
Meh. I settled for taking 3 mg of Klonopin.

I'm going to become a drug addict.

Sorry if I scared anyone. But hey...you try facing the guy who raped your virginity away from you unexpectedly and see if you don't want to just take a gun to your head...Why the fuck did the universe have to use THIS timing? I get away without seeing him for well over a year, easily, and then right after all this suicide shit he just randomly shows up on my doorstep? I swear to God, someone out there wants me dead--otherwise things wouldn't be cosmically timed the way they are.

Okay. I'm done whining.

SundayMorning
03-22-2008, 07:18 AM
I love you guys. I believe in your strength and that you have good reasons to live and stay connected to this world.

That is all.

(Oh, I'm back.)

stellaforstars
03-22-2008, 03:58 PM
I'm a burden. I know it and I'm sick of it.

I'm considering running away.

Mily
03-22-2008, 04:43 PM
^I feel like that a lot. Especially the running away part. :(

stellaforstars
03-22-2008, 06:50 PM
I think I've taken 8 klonopin so far today, along with my Lexapro. Now I'm goin' for 2 100mg trazodone (as suggested by my doc), and I'm throwing in another couple mg of Klonopin for good measure.

Hope the doc's willing to refill my scripts a little early this week.

BrunetteGoddess
03-22-2008, 07:15 PM
Please be careful Stella.

Katrine
03-22-2008, 07:19 PM
I think I've taken 8 klonopin so far today, along with my Lexapro. Now I'm goin' for 2 100mg trazodone (as suggested by my doc), and I'm throwing in another couple mg of Klonopin for good measure.

Hope the doc's willing to refill my scripts a little early this week.

Stella, please, NO!!! Stop it!

TigersMilk
03-22-2008, 07:57 PM
I think I've taken 8 klonopin so far today, along with my Lexapro. Now I'm goin' for 2 100mg trazodone (as suggested by my doc), and I'm throwing in another couple mg of Klonopin for good measure.

Hope the doc's willing to refill my scripts a little early this week.

Why are you taking so much hun? I think I can say by your words here we are more worried about you. Did he suggest the 8 klonopin? We're all here for you as we are know you're going through this rough time still. :(

Mily
03-22-2008, 08:18 PM
Oy. Stella. :O 10 Klonopin and 2 Trazodone!!?? PLEASE do NOT take anymore than that! :'(

hustlebunny
03-23-2008, 05:45 PM
hello everyone,
That sounds like a lot that your taking, Stella. Be careful unless those are your prescribed amounts. I know the feeling of wanting to just disappear and it to all be done. I always am confused about why people fear death...however, i don't think I would push myself there early. Only said from a place of not knowing what your going thru but of being the one that no one understands why your so unhappy...

I haven't been on for a while...i dip in and out of SW. But I found this thread and wanted to say it's so good to hear people's stories. It's really hard to explain it to people who don't understand that you cannot just snap out of it. I am tired of the "why dontcha just..." people. I didn't even want to acknowledge it in myself. I was diagnosed with dysthymia. I started taking wellbutrin about a month ago. I take a small dose twice a day. So far the only side affect is dry mouth and i take it before work on the nights i work because it prevents me from sleeping. i take the second dose by the afternoon if i am not working. I can't quite tell yet if it's having any affect. I haven't felt DARK in the past month though...don't know if it's the meds, my reading New Earth by Eckert Tolle or both. My last dark spell kept me in bed for a month, crying, not working, not eating and only getting up to pee and go to my therapy appointments. I've checked myself into a phsych er before...the genius physchiatrist told me i just need to get a real job...I never want to kill myself but i always just want to lay in bed and not answer the phone or door until people have to come find me and realize that I am really in pain and need real support...no one seems to get it because i present to be so capable to the world.

It makes me feel crazy that I cannot just be happy when it takes me in because i know it's the depression but can't climb out and it really sucks. I decided to try the meds because I was working out, eating healthy, praying, meditating, read every self help book known to man and had been in therapy cocsistently for 12 years...Prayers and hugs to everyone. Thanks for creating a safe space to talk.

FYI there is a 12 step (if you wld find something like that useful) that deals with money issues called Debtors Anonymous that is pretty helpful. I mention it only because i read some threads where people said their depression is linked to income...mine too, blah...

Hugs of support and understanding to everyone

kikidejavu
03-23-2008, 08:58 PM
i love that you said you tried everything else because alot of people dont understand why i want meds and therapy and dont just join another activity or go to church, or think this way. its cause i already have and im still sad.

hockeybobby
03-23-2008, 09:25 PM
Hmm....hold on tight to your dream
Yeah...hold on tight to your dream
When you see your ship go sailing
When you feel your heart is breaking
Hold on tight..ooh..to your dream

Hmm....it's a long time to be gone
Oh....time just rolls on and on
When you need a shoulder to cry on
When you get so sick of trying
Hold on tight to your dream

When you get so down that you can't get up
And you want so much but you're all out of luck
When you're so downhearted and misunderstood
Just over and over and over you could

Accroches-toi a ton reve
Accroches-toi a ton reve
Quand tu vois ton bateau partir
Quand tu sents ton coeur se briser
Accroches-toi a ton reve.

When you get so down that you can't get up
And you want so much but you're all out of luck
When you're so downhearted and misunderstood
Just over and over and over you could

Yeah....hold on tight to your dream
Yeah....hold on tight to your dream
When you see the shadows falling
When you hear that cold wind calling
Hold on tight to your dream

Ooh yeah
Hold on tight to your dream
Yeah...hold on tight...
To your dream


Hold On Tight....Electric Light Orchestra

hockeybobby
03-24-2008, 08:38 AM
JK Rowlings interview on depression and suicidal thoughts:
http://www.thestar.com/entertainment/article/350151

cameron_keys
03-24-2008, 09:15 AM
JK Rowlings interview on depression and suicidal thoughts:


I saw that on aol with the ridiculous headline JK Rowlings Contemplating suicide!!!

Um...yeah...that was decades ago...she isnt suicidal NOW. Way to sensationalize.::)

hockeybobby
03-24-2008, 09:27 AM
I saw that on aol with the ridiculous headline JK Rowlings Contemplating suicide!!!

Um...yeah...that was decades ago...she isnt suicidal NOW. Way to sensationalize.::)

I thought it was worthy of posting because of her use of cognitive behaviour therapy...it helped her. I also thought it was illuminating as she struggled with her depression during a very troubling time with divorce/money/single mom issues. These are things a lot of people here deal with too, so there is hope. :)

RoseLeigh
03-24-2008, 11:34 AM
Damn I was feeling okay for a day there-made some money, slept a little. Now comes the PMS and I feel like crap, both physically and emotionally. Frack. I hate slogging through life.

stellaforstars
03-25-2008, 07:11 AM
My manic behavior has manifested itself but, unfortunately, it's been in the form of extreme anger for the last couple of days.

hustlebunny
03-25-2008, 08:14 AM
right there witcha, i have been feelin that sad for no reason feeling and then realized it's pms....i feel like i should be exempt from pms since i have to deal with sadness for no reason at any moment...has anyone found that their anti depressant helped with pms or do i still have this to look forward to every month? The more i realize that life is one puzzle to fix after the next, the better I feel....i've given up on there being that wonderous day where all is always well with everything. Seems weird that that thought gives me some relief but it does...

Yeah, Kikidejavu, i had been in therapy for 12 TWELVE years consistently with only short moments of relief so i getcha...so many people don't get it if they haven't been thru it or haven't gone thru it with someone really, really close to them...
Thanks for listening folks

TigersMilk
03-25-2008, 10:38 AM
I overanalyze then feel sad then cry because I'm sad. Then do it all over again and let my thoughts run my mind. I was pissed because yesterday I called at the hours the clinic told me to and they said they don't have any appointments left this week and that I didn't leave an earlier message. Whatthefuckever bitch I fucken called twice and left two messages!!! Why is it so godamn hard to get some mental help???!!! Fuck you you "healthcare" system!!!!

cameron_keys
03-25-2008, 10:42 AM
TM..I do that too. My husband yells at me all the time because I make myself crazy with "what if's"...I know I shouldnt do that, but I cant help it. I overanalyze every word I say..ESPECIALLY when I'm drunk. Which is why I dont get drunk very often. I always worry that I said or did something stupid or offended someone or looked like an ass...even if I remember everything and am re-assured that I did not. I worry anyway.

I HATE being out of control.

TigersMilk
03-25-2008, 12:25 PM
I called another number to talk to a psychiatrist who can give me meds. They are suppose to call me back. They better call me back. I'm so sick and tired of feeling so shitty and questioning everything in my life. Must get things under control.

xoxoGracexoxo
03-25-2008, 01:32 PM
right there witcha, i have been feelin that sad for no reason feeling and then realized it's pms....i feel like i should be exempt from pms since i have to deal with sadness for no reason at any moment...has anyone found that their anti depressant helped with pms or do i still have this to look forward to every month?

I have always been more susceptible to depressive episodes in the PMS window, starting in the last week of my cycle. On the advice of my therapist, I double my dosage of Lexapro from 10mg to 20mg during those few days. Lexapro is very fast-acting for me, so if I notice myself getting blue, I can double up the pills and usually get results within a day or two.

My latest bout with depression (yes, compounded with PMS) was bad enough that I have bumped up to 20mg daily for the foreseeable future, with the blessing of my doctor and therapist. I feel so normal now, I can't beleive I was wishing I could die just a few days ago. In a way, these new, positive thoughts in my head don't even seem real. I have this cynical voice in my head trying to knock me back down again, but I won't let it.

(It doesn't help that the bf also told me the other day that I was confusing him by acting so happy when just a few days ago I was crying in bed all day. We've been together for more than four years. I wish he just understood that I have a MOOD DISORDER and sometimes I ACT CRAZY. He continues to question it, though. I feel like it's useless sometimes trying to explain depression to someone who hasn't experienced it first-hand.)

Anyway, now that I'm feeling better for the moment, I really want to find some stability. While medication has been very good to me, there are lots of things I can do to keep myself stable beyond just taking a pill. I really want to be proactive about my mental health this time, and not just relay on pharmaceuticals. The hard thing is that when I'm not feeling well, it's hard to keep doing the things that keep me sane -- like excercize, healthy eating, meditation, yoga. How can I get all that done on days when I can't even get out of bed?

But I feel like if I can get a pleasant routine going, that will provide some much-needed stability for me. With that in mind, I have three super-simple goals for right now. Every day, I'm going to:

1. Get out of bed.
2. 15- 30 minutes of yoga and meditation, first thing in the morning.
3. Eat breakfast.

I'm hoping if I can just get each day STARTED right, maybe I can get things together from there.

If anybody else has done anything like this, or has any routines that work for them, please share.

TigersMilk
03-25-2008, 04:33 PM
I'm so upset!! I got an appointment to talk to a physician to talk to a psychiatrist for fucking April 21st!!!!!! WTF people do I need to say I'm going to off myself to get any fucking help for my no insurance having ass????!!! Could it be any harder???

hockeybobby
03-25-2008, 05:22 PM
Grace: the only thing I would add (excellent post btw) is that I take supplements...it's an easy thing to do, and easy is absolutely necessary ;)
I take a one-a-day vitamin appropriate for my age/gender, and I take a few omega 3 fatty acid gelcaps. This falls under the nutrition part of your regimen.

I used to be on an apple a day keeps the doctor away routine, but that has evolved to just be a piece of fresh fruit a day...cuz apples got boring.

I tried to get regular, that is consistent excercise in my routine by going up and down 6 flights of stairs at my office, but I manage to avoid that now and then lol. I have a rebounder now, and I'll just bounce when i watch a game or whatever...again easy.

I think you are right on having very achievable, simple daily goals to cover the basics. When we are down, all the lofty goals don't amount to a hill of beans.

hockeybobby
03-25-2008, 05:24 PM
I'm so upset!! I got an appointment to talk to a physician to talk to a psychiatrist for fucking April 21st!!!!!! WTF people do I need to say I'm going to off myself to get any fucking help for my no insurance having ass????!!! Could it be any harder???

That's frustrating. I'm sorry you're having such a runaround Tiger.