View Full Version : Got any good jokes?
Budai
03-25-2008, 07:48 AM
How does a farmhand find a sheep in tall grass?
Very satisfying...
threlayer
03-25-2008, 08:17 AM
You can't pass this one up without a laugh. http://www.jibjab.com/view/30294
Hey, it's a joke with acting.
DeeJayOz
03-25-2008, 09:16 AM
This was told to me by my ex-wife's great aunt who happened to be 98 years old at the time;
An elderly couple retire and decide that they are going to buy a yacht and sail around the world. They purchase the yacht, get enough food & fuel for two weeks, and they set sail.
The first night they are out at sea, the battery in his wife's hearing-aid goes dead. They don't think much of it other than they will replace it in two weeks when they replenish the food & fuel.
The next morning the husband comes out on deck and his wife is already up and working on a suntan. The husband walks up to her, gets her attention, and says "Up or down?" She looks up at him and says "What?" "Up or down?" he replies. She sits up, heaves this big sigh, takes him by the hand, leads him below deck and proceeds to give her husband the best sex that they've had in their 40 some-odd years of marriage. The husband doesn't think much of it and continues on with the rest of the day.
The next morning, it's the same thing... husband comes up on deck... wife working on tan... "Up or down?"... Heavy sigh... Led below deck... Sex even better that the day before.... Husband continues on with rest of day.
This happens EVERY MORNING they are out at sea.
Two weeks later they make it to port, replenish the food, fuel, REPLACE the dead battery in the hearing-aid and set sail.
The following morning the husband comes out on deck with a grinning from ear to ear, walks up to his wife and asks the magic question: "Up or down?" She looks at him and says "What?" He says "up or down?" She cocks her head to the side, looks at him over her sunglasses and asks "What are you talking about?" "Well," he replies "originally it meant do you want to sail UP the coast line or DOWN the coast line. Why? What did you THINK I was saying?"
She shakes her head and says "You son of a bitch! The whole time I thought you were saying FUCK or DROWN!"
DeeJayOz
03-25-2008, 09:24 AM
Two guys are sitting at the old folks home when one turns to the other and asks if he still has sex with his wife. Well when we were married we had 'house sex'. "What's 'house sex'?" the first one asks. "We did it all over the house! Up the stairs, down the stairs, ON the stairs, in the kitchen, in the garage... ALL over the house! Then when the kids were born we just had 'bedroom sex'. Now we just have 'hallway sex'. The first guy asks, "I've just gotta know... what's 'hallway sex'?"
"We just pass each other in the hallway and say 'FUCK YOU!!'"
VegasPrincess
03-25-2008, 09:51 AM
(I'm Italian, so I can say this....)
Why don't Italians like the Jehovahs Witnesses????
We don't like ANY witnesses.......
verfolgung
03-25-2008, 01:25 PM
A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them.
The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, ''Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you. On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue." He continued, ''Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut.'' The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful.
They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests. Then he told the Greens the bad news. ''I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be, I cannot help.''
The Greens pleaded with him, and said, ''You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us.
"Ok, go to the store and buy some oranges and a box of Cheerios...''
lwtex52
03-25-2008, 04:05 PM
The Pope went on a tour of North America and while at DisneyWorld, he stopped to visit the Seven Dwarfs. He gave a brief talk on comparative religions then asked if there were any questions. A hand went up in the back. It was Dopey.
"Mr. Pope! Mr. Pope! Are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?" Dopey asked.
The Pope smiled, then shook his head. "No, Dopey, I'm afraid there aren't."
Dopey continued, "Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns in Italy?"
The Pope chuckled softly and said, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Italy."
Then Dopey asked, "Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns ANYWHERE in the world?"
The Pope answered, "No, Dopey. They simply do not exist."
Then, softly at first, but slowly growing louder, the Pope heard the other dwarfs as they began to chant, "Dopey screwed a penguin! Dopey screwed a penguin!....."
verfolgung
03-26-2008, 11:31 AM
A man who smelled like a distillery flopped down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man!"
"Well, I'll be damned!" the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry, I shouldn't have been so unpleasant about it. Tell me, how long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father -- I was just reading here that the Pope does!"
kaiarose
03-26-2008, 11:40 AM
Q: Two cannibals were eating a clown and one cannibal said to the other does this taste funny to you?
Q: if girls with big boobs work at Hooters where do girls with one leg work?
A: IHOP
Q: An egg was dropped into a pot of boiling water and it said it is going to take me a while to get hard because I just got laid.
verfolgung
03-26-2008, 11:45 AM
What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
One less drunk.
UtahMike
03-26-2008, 09:08 PM
This girl was at the Pearly Gates, and St. Peter asked her if she was a virgin. She said she was, but St. Peter said that they had to check, so she laid down on an examining table and he took a look at her maidenhead.
He said, "Well, your maidenhead ha seven little dents in it, but it isn't broken, so I guess technically you are a virgin and can come in. What did you say your name was again?"
The girl said, "Snow White."
Crow2
03-27-2008, 03:03 AM
Michael is going home from the pub, he's trying to be quiet as its late and his goodwife is asleep.
He's thinking he should not of had that last pint, as crawling through the doorway is getting tough! He tries to stand to make it up the stairs to bed and fails miserably and makes a horrendous racket.
Unoh, there's the Missus looking down at him and she says..... Michael OLeary! You've been at the pub again! Haven't you!
The poor man, still on the floor replies in a bewlidered tone .. Yes. How did you know?
She replies, they called. You left yer wheelchair. Again
chi_sam
03-27-2008, 04:15 AM
So... The club manager and his DJ were sitting at the bar when a new hottie they'd never seen struts by.
"Damn, I'd like to fuck her", says the DJ.
"Outta' what?", came the reply...
verfolgung
03-27-2008, 08:12 AM
A drunken man staggered into a Catholic church, sat down in the Confessional and said nothing. The priest is waiting and waiting and waiting. The priest coughs to attract the drunk man's attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.
Finally the drunk replies, ''No use knockin,' pal. There's no paper."
saphire123456
03-27-2008, 09:36 AM
So... The club manager and his DJ were sitting at the bar when a new hottie they'd never seen struts by.
"Damn, I'd like to fuck her", says the DJ.
"Outta' what?", came the reply...
ooo:O
verfolgung
03-27-2008, 11:53 AM
Jane was sitting in anatomy class on day when her teacher asked her a question.
He inquired, “What grows to 10 times its original size when excited?” Jane blushed and said that she didn't know.
Jimmy raised his hand and said, “I know! The pupil of the eye.” The teacher replied, “Yes, very good Jimmy.”
The the teacher turned to Jane and said, “Jane I have three things to say to you: One -- you have a very dirty mind.
Two -- you haven't been studying hard enough.
and Three -- you're going to be very disappointed!”
UtahMike
03-27-2008, 09:27 PM
BLACK TESTICLES
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over
his mouth and nose. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial
sponge bath. 'Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to
wash your upper body and feet.'
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry
about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the
covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles
in the other.
Then, she takes a close look and says, There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very
closely......
A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?
chi_sam
03-28-2008, 12:07 AM
Three dogs were kennelled in the back room at the vet...
The Chihuahua is crying and one of the others asks what's wrong. "I can't believe they're having me put down... "All I did was crap on the rug. It's not my fault. The kids are supposed to walk me before and after school, and they hardly ever do. I held it for nearly three days, but what am I supposed to do?"
"Tough break, says the very nervous German Shepherd. I'm gettin' screwed too, for biting the little neighbor kid. That bastard has been teasing me all summer. Every time he comes by he throws things at me or pokes me with a stick. Yesterday he was throwing rocks at me, and I just snapped and jumped the fence and bit him. I didn't even bite him that hard, but they're putting me to sleep".
"How bout' you?", they ask the Great Dane. "Well, my owner is a really hot single girl, and we have a special relationship. She's alway hugging me, and kissing me. She tells me she loves me all the time. She takes with her in the car whenever she goes shopping, and one time she even took me on vacation with her."
"So, this morning I'm laying on the bed watching her shower, and when she comes out she bends over to pick up her panties and I couldn't help myself. I leapt out of bed and started humping her against the dresser."
"Damn...", says the Chihuahua, "She's been leading you on all ths time, and you're being killed just for following your instincts?"
"Oh no. I'm just here to have my nails trimmed".
chi_sam
03-28-2008, 01:21 AM
The little boy hears some strange moaning coming from his mother's bedroom one night and tip-toes down the hall. Peeking in the door, he sees her under the covers, rubbing herself furiously, crying, "Oh God... I need a man."
Confused, but satisfied she's OK, he quietly goes back to bed.
A few nights later he hears similar noises, only this time more intense. When he looks in, he is shocked to see that Mom has a man on top of her. He runs back to his bedroom as fast as he can, dives under the covers, and starts rubbing himself all over, praying, "Oh God... I need a Play Station".
verfolgung
03-28-2008, 06:39 AM
In this election year, I thought this one might be appropriate.....
POLITICS
SON: DAD, I HAVE TO DO A SPECIAL REPORT FOR SCHOOL.
CAN I ASK YOU A QUESTION?
FATHER: SURE SON, WHAT'S THE QUESTION?
SON: WHAT IS POLITICS?
FATHER: WELL, LET'S TAKE OUR HOME FOR EXAMPLE.
I AM THE WAGE EARNER, SO LET'S CALL ME MANAGEMENT.
YOUR MOTHER IS THE ADMINISTRATOR OF THE MONEY, SO
WE'LL CALL HER GOVERNMENT.
WE TAKE CARE OF YOUR NEEDS, SO LET'S CALL YOU THE PEOPLE.
WE'LL CALL THE MAID THE WORKING CLASS AND
YOUR BABY BROTHER WE WILL CALL THE FUTURE.
DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
SON: I'M NOT REALLY SURE, DAD.
I'LL HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT.
That night, awakened by his baby brother's crying,
the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering
the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy
went to his parents' room and found his mother sound
asleep. He then went to the maid's room where,
peeking through the key hole, he saw his father
in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went
totally unheard by his father and the maid,
so the boy returned to his room and went back to bed.
The next morning:
SON: DAD, NOW I THINK I UNDERSTAND POLITICS.
FATHER: THAT'S GREAT SON, EXPLAIN IT TO ME IN YOUR OWN WORDS
SON: WELL, DAD, WHILE MANAGEMENT IS SCREWING
THE WORKING CLASS THE GOVERNMENT IS SOUND ASLEEP.
THE PEOPLE ARE BEING COMPLETELY IGNORED AND
THE FUTURE IS FULL OF SHIT.
verfolgung
03-28-2008, 12:02 PM
The problem with political jokes is that they get elected.
UtahMike
03-28-2008, 10:28 PM
Bobby came downstairs and said, "Mommy, I think Aunt Judy is dying."
Mommy said, "Bobby, don't be silly. She is nineteen years old and in perfect health. What makes you think she's dying?"
"Well," said Bobby, "she was on the bed in her room yelling, 'Oh, God! I'm coming! Oh, God! I'm coming.' And if Daddy hadn't been on top of her, I think she would have gone!"
person
03-28-2008, 11:15 PM
Energizer Bunny arrested: charged with battery
Budai
03-30-2008, 01:56 AM
Q: Why does Snoop Dogg need an umbrella?
A: Fo' drizzle... :umbrella:
UtahMike
03-30-2008, 10:54 PM
Uncle George asked Mrs. Vanderbilt if she would have sex with him.
Mrs. Vanderbilt looked down her nose and said, "Perhaps for a million dollars."
Uncle George said, "How about for five dollars?"
Mrs. Vanderbilt said, "What do you think I am, a whore?"
Uncle George replied, "We've already established that. We are now merely negotiating on the price."
verfolgung
03-31-2008, 09:41 AM
There once was a young man named Billy Bob. Now, Billy Bob was a normal Southern boy looking for a nice Southern girl to be his wife. One day, at a mud wrestling match, he met beautiful Tammy Jo. They fell in love and got married.
To celebrate their marriage they spent their wedding night at a Super 8 motel in their home town. Tammy Jo was very excited. She had bought some nice lingerie and Billy Bob thought she was absolutely breathtaking. As they were getting hot and heavy, Tammy Jo said, “Be gentle with me, I'm a virgin.” Billy Bob was totally outraged to hear this revelation. He jumped up, dragged Tammy Jo out of the room, drove to her parents' house and left her crying on the doorstep.
Billy Bob immediately went over to his father's house and told him what had just happened. “She said she was a virgin... A VIRGIN!”
To which his father replied, “Well son, as I've always told you, if she ain't good enough for her own family, she sure ain't good enough for ours!”
Love_Spell
03-31-2008, 10:37 AM
Garage Door
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires.'
verfolgung
03-31-2008, 02:06 PM
A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part of it was that the older three had red hair, light skin, and were tall, while the youngest son had black hair, dark eyes, and was short.
The father eventually took ill and was lying on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me - is our youngest son my child?"
The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son." With that the husband passed away.
The wife then muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."
ajbaer
03-31-2008, 03:07 PM
What does Snoop Dog use to clean his clothes?
Ble-ATCH
UtahMike
03-31-2008, 08:30 PM
Ole was sick, so he went to the doctor. The doctor examined him, and then he called Lena into the next examining room.
"Ole is very sick," said the doctor. "But it is his sad, unhappy attitude that keeps him from recovering. If you can keep him happy, he will get well. You must never nag him or argue with him. Let him drink beer as much as he wants, and pick the shows on TV. Make all his favorite foods. Don;t ask him to do the dishes. If he leaves his socks or underwear lying around, learn to live with it. Don't pressure him for sex, but when he wants sex, be sure not to turn him down, and be as passionate as you can be. If you do these things, I think we Ole will recover."
Lena went back into the room with Ole.
"What did the doctor say?" asked Ole.
"He said you're gonna die," answered Lena.
Yekhefah
03-31-2008, 09:20 PM
How many Vietnam veterans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
(I dunno, how many?)
You don't KNOW, man! You weren't THERE!
White & Nerdy
03-31-2008, 09:23 PM
What do you call 100 well-armed lesbians?
Milita Etheridge
verfolgung
04-01-2008, 10:42 AM
Why did the blonde tiptoe to the medicine cabinet?
She didn't want to wake the sleeping pills.
Why did the blonde have square t*ts?
Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the boxes.
How do blonde brain cells die?
Alone.
What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common?
They're both empty from the neck up.
What do you call a bunch of blondes standing in a row?
A wind tunnel.
What do you call a bunch of blondes in a circle?
A dope ring.
What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back.
What do an intelligent blonde and a UFO have in common.
You often hear about them, but you never see one.
What does a blonde who has dyed her hair brown have?
Artificial intelligence.
How do you get a blonde to climb up on the roof?
Tell her that the drinks are on the house.
How do you measure a blonde's I.Q.?
With a tire gauge.
What goes vroom-screech, vroom-screech?
A blonde driving through a flashing red light.
What do you call an intelligent blonde?
A golden retriever.
How many Blondes does it take to play Hide & Seek?
One
.
.
.
Why are blonde jokes usually short one-liners?
So brunets can remember them! :D
ajbaer
04-01-2008, 06:17 PM
From E (who is Polish)
What do you call a group of polish men wearing turbans?
Pak-a-stanleys
Jade Danger
04-01-2008, 09:27 PM
if a man is right and there is no woman round to hear, is he still wrong?
UtahMike
04-01-2008, 10:06 PM
^^I'd answer that, but no matter what I said, it would be wrong. Right?
kitty69
04-01-2008, 11:53 PM
A woman is lying in the road after being run over. The driver of the vehicle asks if she is alright.
"You are just a blur" she replies "So my eyesight is clearly affected".
Very concerned, the driver leans over the woman in order to test her eyesight. "How many fingers have I got up?" he asks her.
"Oh shit!" she replies "I must be paralyzed from the waist down as well."
kitty69
04-01-2008, 11:57 PM
A man with no arms or legs is sunbathing on the beach. He is approached by 3 beautiful women who take pity on him. The first says to him "Have you ever been hugged?"
The man shakes his head, and she leans down and gives him a big hug.
The second says to him "Have you ever been kissed." He shakes his head. She kisses him.
The third says "Have you ever been F&*ked".
He shakes his head. She says "Well you are now, the tide's coming in."
kitty69
04-02-2008, 12:00 AM
"I'm baffled by your yellow penis", the doctor told his patient. "Does anyone else in your family have this condition?"
The concerned fellow shook his head.
"Do you handle any chemicals at work?"
"I don't work I am unemployed".
"So what do you do all day?"
"Oh, I mostly sit around watching porno movies, eating Quavers."
kitty69
04-02-2008, 12:03 AM
Worried about his failing eyesight, a man goes to his optician - who tells him he must stop masturbating.
"Why?" asks the man, worriedly, "Am I going blind?"
"No, your eyesight is fine", says the optician, "But it upsets the other patients in the waiting room."
kitty69
04-02-2008, 12:07 AM
After months of ill-health, a man goes to his doctor for a complete check-up.
Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results.
"I am afraid I have some very bad news", says the physician. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."
"Oh, thats terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?"
"Ten", the doctor replies, shaking his head.
"Ten?" the man asks "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What do you mean?"
The doctor looks at him sadly. "Nine......"
kitty69
04-02-2008, 12:12 AM
A man is strolling past a lunatic asylum when he hears a loud chanting.
"Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!" goes the noise from within the mental hospital's wards.
The man's curiosity gets the better of him and he searches for a hole in the security fence. It's not long before he finds a small crack, so he leans forward and peers in. Instantly, someone jabs him in the eye .
As he reels back in agony, the chanting continues:
Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!
Budai
04-02-2008, 12:42 AM
"I'm baffled by your yellow penis", the doctor told his patient. "Does anyone else in your family have this condition?"
The concerned fellow shook his head.
"Do you handle any chemicals at work?"
"I don't work I am unemployed".
"So what do you do all day?"
"Oh, I mostly sit around watching porno movies, eating Quavers."
;D Good one, k69!
The Yankee version features an orange penis and Cheetos...
Lysondra
04-02-2008, 05:08 AM
Why do women drive so badly?
Because men tell them this is six inches -> [___]
Why do women drive so badly?
Because men tell them this is six inches -> [___]
Bwaahaahaa!!! ;D
verfolgung
04-03-2008, 10:10 AM
One day, in the Garden of Eden.....
Adam calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem."
"What's the problem, Adam?" God replies.
"Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy." Says Adam.
"Why is that, Adam?" comes the reply from the heavens.
Adam responds, "Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely."
"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a 'woman' for you!" answers God.
"What's a 'woman,' Lord?" asks Adam.
"This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you" replies the heavenly voice.
"Sounds great." Responds Adam excitedly.
"She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam." Warns the voice from on high.
"How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?" Adam saks.
"She'll cost you a leg, an arm, an eye, an ear, and a testicle." Answers the heavenly father.
Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. ... Finally Adam asks God, "Uh, what can I get for a rib?"
randompisces
04-03-2008, 10:17 AM
A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender for some grapes.
The bartender replies, "Grapes? This is a bar... get out of here!"
The duck obliges, but returns the next day and asks again for some grapes.
"Grapes? Didn't I tell you 'no' yesterday? Get out of here!"
The duck once again leaves and returns the next day asking for grapes.
"Look here duck, if you don't stop coming in here, I'm going to nail your bill to the bar. Now get the hell out of here, we don't have any damn grapes!"
The duck nods, and then turns around and leaves. The next day the duck comes waddling into the bar and the bartender starts turning an ugly shade of red. The duck jumps up onto a bar stool and asks,
"Hey bartender, got any nails?"
shocked, the bartender replies, "Nails? What? No, I don't have any nails!"
"So, then do you got any grapes?"
- - Cheesy jokes of win imo.
verfolgung
04-04-2008, 10:13 AM
Do you know why Santa is always so jolly?
Because he knows where all of the bad girls live!
Budai
04-04-2008, 09:37 PM
Q: Why is 6 jealous of 7?
A: Because 7 ate 9.
hockeybobby
04-04-2008, 09:39 PM
WORST JOKE EVER
I forgive you though. :)