View Full Version : Got any good jokes?
UtahMike
04-05-2008, 09:58 PM
Joe's wife decided that for his birthday, she would take him out to a strip club. She thought that he deserved it because the only fun he ever had was his weekly bowling league.
When they got to the Strip Club, the doorman said, "Hi, Joe, how's it going?"
When they got inside, Joe's wife said, "Why did the doorman know you?"
Joe said, "Oh, he's on one of the other teams in the bowling league."
When they sat down, the waitress came by and asked, "Well, Joe, what will you two have to drink?"
After they ordered their drinks, Joe's wife asked him why the waitress knew him.
Joe said, "Oh, she's on one of the teams in the women's league that bowls the same night we do.
Just then a stripper came up and asked, "Well, Joe, do you want your usual three lap dances?"
Joe's wife got up, slapped him, and kicked him in the balls. Then she ran out of the club and got in a cab. Joe followed and tried to explain, but she just slapped him, kicked him, and scratched his face.
The cab driver turned around and said, "Well, Joe, it looks like you picked up a real doozy this week!"
Paul in Saudi
04-05-2008, 10:32 PM
Elderly Jewish man is coming home from his shop late one evening. It is dark and rainy. He passes a pet shop. The bright cheerful parrot cheers him up, on a whim he buys it and takes it home.
That evening the EJM talks to the parrot, tells him how lonely he has been since his wife died and the children moved on. They shared some walnuts. The parrot told the EJM how awful weekends were at the pet shop. They become friends.
The next morning the EJM is making his prayers. The parrot asks him what he is doing, and has it explained to him. Over time the parrot learns to pray and becomes a Jew.
When the High Holy Days come, the EJM takes the parrot to the Temple. The Cantor is at the door checking tickets. He tells the EJM he cannot take a parrot into the Synagogue. The EJM tells the clergyman the parrot can pray, he is in fact a Jew.
The Cantor bets the EJM $100 the parrot cannot pray. The EJM accepts the bet and prompts the bird.
Who does nothing.
Disquieted and embarrassed the EJM walks home. He asks the bird why he froze up.
The parrot says, "Next year we can take the Cantor for $100 and the Rabbi for $500,"
Budai
04-11-2008, 09:27 PM
You have an Internet addiction when . . .
You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
Your SO makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."
The last person you had sex with was a jpeg.
Your dreams are in HTML.
Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
Your cornea have a web site burned into them.
You refer to visiting the bathroom as "downloading."
You start introducing yourself as
[email protected]________.net
You step out of your room and realize that your SO moved--and you don't have a clue when or how it happened.
All of your friends have an @ in their names.
Your dog has its own home page.
Your dog's homepage is actually good.
You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.
You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.
As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.
Yekhefah
04-11-2008, 10:49 PM
Q. How do you spot a blind man at a nudist resort?
A. It's not hard...
Lysondra
04-12-2008, 07:05 AM
You have an Internet addiction when . . .
You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
Your SO makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."
The last person you had sex with was a jpeg.
Your dreams are in HTML.
Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
Your cornea have a web site burned into them.
You refer to visiting the bathroom as "downloading."
You start introducing yourself as
[email protected]________.net
You step out of your room and realize that your SO moved--and you don't have a clue when or how it happened.
All of your friends have an @ in their names.
Your dog has its own home page.
Your dog's homepage is actually good.
You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.
You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.
As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.
You tattoo binary and circuit boards on your ass? :P
Moodmaster
04-12-2008, 07:43 PM
Kid 1: Hey, did you ever sneak into that strip club?
Kid 2: Yeah!
Kid 1: Did you see anything you shouldn't?
Kid 2: Yeah!
Kid 1: What did you see?
Kid 2: My Dad!!
I always use the same jokes... Here goes:
What's the only thing used tampons are good for?
Tea bags for vampires
Budai
04-13-2008, 09:16 PM
What's the only thing used tampons are good for?
Tea bags for vampires
:yuck: Truly gross, Lexi...in a funny way! :D
Q: What is grosser than gross?
A: Dreaming about chocolate pudding and then waking up with a spoon in your butt.
Gabrielle MB
04-13-2008, 11:37 PM
Three mice walk into a bar.
First mouse says, "I'm one bad-ass mouse! In my house I mix rat poison with my milk every night."
Second mouse says, "I'm one bad-ass mouse! In my house I steal the cheese off the trap and do push ups with the bar."
Third mouse gets up and starts to walk out. The other two mice say, "Where you goin'?"
Third mouse says, "I'm going home to fuck the cat."
Budai
04-14-2008, 09:59 AM
Third mouse says, "I'm going home to fuck the cat."
They say that mouse is a bad kittyfucker! (Shut your mouth!)
The six men in a woman's life that turn her on:
The Doctor because he says; "Take your clothes off."
The Dentist because he says; "Open wide!"
The Milkman because he says; "Do you want it in the front or the back?"
The Hairdresser because he says; "Do you want it teased or blown?"
The Interior Decorator because he says; "Once it's in, you'll love it."
The Banker because he says; "If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest."
space_Cadet_28
04-14-2008, 03:14 PM
Joke as old as the internet.
Wordperfect help line:
"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it
have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord
goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the
wall."
".......Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables
plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other
cable."
"....... Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of
your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's
dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes -the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from
the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power... A power outage? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you
still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was
when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too bloody stupid to own a computer."
White & Nerdy
04-14-2008, 06:56 PM
An attractive female student walks into her professor's office.
"I'd do anything for an A," the student said.
"Anything?" the professor replied.
The student whispered into his professor's ear, "Anything..."
The professor whispered back, "Would you...study?"
White & Nerdy
04-14-2008, 06:57 PM
Joke as old as the internet.
Wordperfect help line:
"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it
have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord
goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the
wall."
".......Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables
plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other
cable."
"....... Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of
your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's
dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes -the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from
the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power... A power outage? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you
still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was
when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too bloody stupid to own a computer."
I used to work phone tech support for years and there are people who have called about this. I also had a call from a guy who wanted to get online without any cable connection, DSL box, phone line, or wireless LAN. I guess he can get online by sheer human will! :)
Budai
04-15-2008, 12:56 AM
A guy is sitting in a bar with his friends, bitching about going home to his wife.
When his friends ask him why he doesn't hurry home to such a fine looking woman, he replies: "Well, the problem right now is that she has gonorrhea."
"So what!" says one friend, "Flip her over!"
"Well, I would but she also has diarrhea," the guy answers.
"Yeah, but what about her mouth?" another friend chimes in.
"Major halitosis and she's in pain on account of an abcess in her mouth," the man replies.
"Damn, then why do you stay with her?" asks the entire group.
"That's just it," the man replies, "she's also got worms, and you guys know how I love fishing!"
thechaosfairy
04-15-2008, 11:43 PM
A woman is lying in the road after being run over. The driver of the vehicle asks if she is alright.
"You are just a blur" she replies "So my eyesight is clearly affected".
Very concerned, the driver leans over the woman in order to test her eyesight. "How many fingers have I got up?" he asks her.
"Oh shit!" she replies "I must be paralyzed from the waist down as well."
Maybe this makes me a dumbass, but I'm confused by this one. /:O
BmiWMT14
04-16-2008, 03:05 PM
Bus Driver: Timmy why is you cat on the Bus today???
Timmy ( crying) I heard daddy tell mommy , im going to eat that pussy when the kids leave for school! ;D ;D
Budai
04-16-2008, 08:18 PM
3 Quick, Corny Ones
What kind of eggs does an evil chicken lay?
Deviled eggs.
What's round and bad-tempered?
A vicious circle.
Why were the teacher's eyes crossed?
She couldn't control her pupils.
Volupte
04-19-2008, 04:37 PM
Q: How do you get an elephant into a Safeway? (Safeway is just a grocery store)
A: Take the S out of safe and the F out of way.
Say it aloud, say it again, you'll get it :)
Budai
04-20-2008, 06:59 PM
A young man approaches an attractive woman standing at a crowded bar and whispers: "Excuse me, Miss. Can I smell your feet?"
"You've got some nerve! Absolutely not!" she exclaims.
"Oh, I'm sorry," he replies, "that must be your pussy then."
Gabrielle MB
04-21-2008, 12:34 AM
Man has two sons. First son comes of age. Father says, "Son, here is one hundred dollars. Go out into the world and see what you can do for yourself."
So, son goes out into the world. He goes downtown and finds a hooker. He spends his one hundred dollars.
He goes home. Father says, "Well son, what did you do with your one hundred dollars?" Son says, "Well dad, I dunno, I got laid."
Second son comes of age. Father says, "Son, I don't have any money left but here's a duck. Go out into the world and see what you can do for yourself." Son says, "What the fuck am I going to do with a duck??"
So, son goes out into the world. He goes downtown and finds a chinese food restaurant. He goes in and asks the lady behind the counter what she would give him for the duck. She says, "I'll fuck you for that duck!"
So they go behind the counter and get it on. Lady says, "Oh my, that was the best sex I've ever had! Fuck me again and you can have your duck back!" They do it again and the lady gives the son his duck back. She says, "Thank you come again anytime!"
So the son leaves the restaurant with the duck under his arm. Outside a huge truck passes by and blows its horn. The duck gets spooked and flies out of the sons arms. BAM! The truck hits it! The driver gets out and runs up to the son. He says, “Oh man, I'm so sorry! I killed your duck. Please let me pay you for it. Here's fifty dollars. I hope that's enough."
He goes home. He goes home. Father says, "Well son, what did you do with your duck?" Son says, "Well dad, I got a fuck for a duck. A duck for a fuck. And fifty dollars for one fucked up duck!"
kaiarose
04-22-2008, 12:07 PM
Maybe this makes me a dumbass, but I'm confused by this one. /:O
How many fingers do I have up?? (she thought up her pussy) That's why she aid she must be paralyzed from the waist down since she couldn't feel them in her.
TheTempest
04-27-2008, 05:35 PM
A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn.
The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The old farmer told him he had buried them.
The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, were they ALL dead?"
The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."
:yuck: Truly gross, Lexi...in a funny way! :D
Q: What is grosser than gross?
A: Dreaming about chocolate pudding and then waking up with a spoon in your butt.
LOL! Nasty mental image I whipped up here. :butthead:
Q: How do you get an elephant into a Safeway? (Safeway is just a grocery store)
A: Take the S out of safe and the F out of way.
Say it aloud, say it again, you'll get it :)
I have been saying it aloud and still cant get it.
lol
There's no F in way. LOL!
What a pingis, I am. And I kept saying it to myself, too!:loco:
D'oh!!!!!!!!!
What do you get when you cross a Penis and a Potato?
A dick-tater
ViolaStrings
04-27-2008, 08:31 PM
get the f out of the way
Budai
04-27-2008, 08:55 PM
The success of the "Wonder Bra" for under-endowed women, has encouraged
the designers to come out with a bra for over-endowed women.
It's called the "Sheep Dog Bra" because it rounds them up and points them in the right direction.
What do you get when you cross a Penis and a Potato?
A dick-tater
^^I love vegetable jokes! They're so corny...
A guy has celery sticking out of one ear, lettuce out of the other, and a zucchini up his nose.
He goes to the doctor and asks him what's wrong.
The doctor tells him, "Well, for one thing, you're not eating right."
BabyGirlKylie
04-27-2008, 09:50 PM
Tiger Woods pulls up outside his country club in a brand new Mercedes. As he gets out of the car, two golf tees fall out onto the pavement. The valet sees the tees and asks " Tiger, what are those for?" Tiger replys, "Oh those? They hold up my balls when I drive".
The valet shakes his head..."Wow, those guys at Mercedes think of everything!"
CherryonTop
04-27-2008, 11:09 PM
The success of the "Wonder Bra" for under-endowed women, has encouraged
the designers to come out with a bra for over-endowed women.
It's called the "Sheep Dog Bra" because it rounds them up and points them in the right direction.
^^I love vegetable jokes! They're so corny...
A guy has celery sticking out of one ear, lettuce out of the other, and a zucchini up his nose.
He goes to the doctor and asks him what's wrong.
The doctor tells him, "Well, for one thing, you're not eating right."
Bahahahahahahahaha!:D
Budai
06-09-2008, 12:58 AM
I have this voice-prompted stereo in my car. As I'm driving, I say "Rock!" and just like that, I'm pumping rock 'n' roll at full volume.
I'm actually well-rounded musically, so a few miles down the road, I might bark out "Rap!"and instantly, some old school Tupac or something is bumpin' and my head starts bobbing.
This evening, 2 kids darted out into the street in front of my car and I barely avoided flattening them. "Fuckin' kids!" I hollered at them. Immediately, some R. Kelly started playing...
Jezzebelle
06-09-2008, 07:56 AM
^^^
Hahahaahaha!
minnow
06-09-2008, 08:33 AM
How was copper wire invented? :confused:
Somebody dropped an old penny between a couple of 2for 1 bargain hunters :spin:
Budai
06-09-2008, 02:15 PM
Q: What has a Dick behind it and sprays all over your face, neck, and upper torso?
A: Vice President Cheney's Perazzi shotgun.
MissAlethea
06-09-2008, 05:26 PM
A sheep farmer walks in to the bedroom with a sheep under one arm. His wife is lying on the bed watching TV. He says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache!"
She replies, "Uh, honey? I think you'll find that's a sheep..."
He barks back, "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to YOU!"
UtahMike
06-09-2008, 08:40 PM
Ole made an appointment with the doctor. When he got in the examining room, the doctor asked him why he was there. Ole said he wanted to be castrated.
"What?" said the doctor.
"I want to be castrated," said Ole. "My cousin Lars said he had it done, and he never felt so clean and pure in his life."
"Are you sure?" asked the doctor. "Do you know what's involved? We take your privates, and we cut off..."
"I know, I know," said Ole. "Thats what I want you to do."
So the doctor brought in the nurse as a witness and had Ole sign a release. Then they gave him a local anesthetic and castrated him.
Just then the receptionist came on the intercom. "Doctor, the Olsen baby is here to be circumsised," she said.
Ole snapped his fingers. "THAT'S the word!" he said.
UtahMike
06-17-2008, 11:57 AM
What do you smell when you put your nose next to a cow's butt?
Her dairy air.
loveandluxury
06-17-2008, 04:49 PM
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?
Elefino! (hell if I know)
UtahMike
06-17-2008, 09:24 PM
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
I have no eye deer.
ellebelle
06-18-2008, 04:09 AM
What do 9 out of 10 people enjoy?
.. a gang rape
A good joke to tell if you want to clear a room, heh.
Jezzebelle
06-18-2008, 06:49 AM
^^^^
LMAO!!
Nice one Elle
Persona
06-19-2008, 04:14 PM
What do 9 out of 10 people enjoy?
.. a gang rape
A good joke to tell if you want to clear a room, heh.
AHHHHHAHAHA!!!!!!!
Budai
06-20-2008, 03:05 PM
Q: What do you call a 412-lb stripper?
A: "Broke".
What do 9 out of 10 people enjoy?
.. a gang rape
A good joke to tell if you want to clear a room, heh.
^ That reminds me of another one, ebelle...
A woman runs into a police station screaming: "Help! I've been graped!"
"Graped?" asks the puzzled officer.
"Yep, graped!" she replies, "there was a BUNCH of them!"
renaissance
06-20-2008, 03:39 PM
OMG, these are awesome!!!
Why do midgets laugh when they run?
Because the grass tickles their nuts!!
lestat1
06-20-2008, 03:57 PM
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
I have no eye deer.
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no eye deer.
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs having sex?
Fucking still no eye deer.
lestat1
06-20-2008, 04:01 PM
What do 9 out of 10 people enjoy?
.. a gang rape
A good joke to tell if you want to clear a room, heh.
I'm stealing this one and modifying it to be my level of offensive.
"What do seven adults and two dogs enjoy, and one toddler hate?"
}:D :D
fancygirl
06-20-2008, 04:04 PM
Q. What do you call a gay dinosaur?
A. Bront-a-sore-ass
Q. What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
A. Lick-o-lotta-puss
Budai
06-23-2008, 12:27 AM
Words of wisdom from that famous philosopher, Willie Nelson, on his 75th birthday:
"I have outlived my dick."
UtahMike
06-23-2008, 06:20 PM
Once upon a time, a Maine potato met an Idaho potato. They fell in love and were married. Soon, along came a little sweet potato. The sweet potato grew up and went off in the world to attend the University of Idaho. Soon she wrote home and said that she had met the love of her life. He had asked her to marry him, and she was engaged to Tom Brokaw.
Papa Potato was furious! "You can't do this!" he screamed. "We are an aristocratic family of potatoes with roots that go back to Ireland and Russia. We just can't allow you to marry a commen tater."
Budai
06-24-2008, 11:07 PM
Home Remedy #24
If you are coughing heavily and repeatedly, take a large dose of laxatives. After that, you'll be afraid to cough.