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ellebelle
06-24-2008, 11:39 PM
In the same roomclearing category:

What do you do after you rape a deaf girl?










.. break her hands so she can't tell her mum.

UtahMike
06-24-2008, 11:57 PM
This guy met a girl with no arms or legs. They talked awhile, and he got thinking she had probably never had a date. So he asked her out. He picked her up and took her to a bar and bought her a few drinks. Then on the way home, he got thinking she had probably never been laid. So he asked her if she'd like to fuck. She said she would really like that. But she didn't want him on top of her, so could he use his belt and tie her to a telephone pole, then fuck her standing up. So he did that, and then he undid the belt and took her home. Her dad opened the door, and her mom carried her upstairs to her room. "Thank you, thank you," said the dad. The guy was feeling a little guilty about what he had done to the girl, so he said, "Don't worry about it, it was no big deal." "Yes, it was," said the dad. "Most guys just leave her tied to the telephone pole."

Jezzebelle
06-25-2008, 08:15 AM
Love the last 2 jokes!!!

Moar home remedies:


If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a Jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the object you wish to view.

Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but You'll also be getting paid for it.

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the ****ing thing in the first place.

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The morning after, you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

Anorexics.
When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by running a bit slower.

Smokers.
Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.

Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal.
Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know the difference.

Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.

High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your Cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your roof.

Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems anyway, so it may as well look like one.

Avoid bickering and petty arguments by immediately punching anyone with whom you disagree.

Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by banging your feet twice on each stair.

At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy 'Next customer Please' sign for dyslexic shoppers.

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes'
eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.

AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally. Brilliant!

HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.

OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.

TheTempest
06-25-2008, 12:26 PM
An older, very dignified gentleman went to his travel agent and tried to book a two-week cruise for himself and his lady friend. The travel agent said that all the ships were booked up and reservations were very tight at that moment, but that he would see what he could do.

A couple of days later, the travel agent phoned and said he could get them onto a three-day cruise. The gentleman was disappointed that it was such a short cruise, but booked it, and then went to the drugstore to buy Dramamines and three condoms.

The next day, the agent called back and reported that he now could upgrade him to a five-day cruise.

The gentleman said, "Great, I'll take it!" And he returned to the same pharmacy to buy two more Dramamines and two more condoms.

The following day, the travel agent called yet again, and said he was delighted that he could offer them bookings on an eight-day cruise.

The gentleman was elated and, went back to the drugstore. He asked for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.

The pharmacist looked sympathetically at him and said, "Look, I'm not trying to pry, but if it makes you sick, why do you keep doing it?"

Persona
06-25-2008, 12:44 PM
What's green and yellow and eats nuts?








Gonhorrea

Budai
06-26-2008, 12:19 AM
A study was done in the US to determine why the head of a man's penis is bigger than the rest of it. After 1 year and $1.5 million, the Americans concluded that it was inorder to give the man more pleasure during sex.

A similar study was done in France, where after 3 years and $5 million, the French decided that it was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Canada, not to be outdone, also studied the issue. After 2 weeks and 28 cases of beer, the Canucks determined this:

The head of a man's penis is bigger than the rest of it in order to keep his fist from flying off the shaft and punching him in the forehead.

VegasPrincess
06-26-2008, 03:49 AM
Love the last 2 jokes!!!

Moar home remedies:


If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a Jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

.

Not to be random and off topic, but my dad was choking on a hard candy when he was a kid, and my gramma poured boiling hot water down his throat and it melted and saved his life (this was in prolly 1950 *yes my dad is really old to have a kid my age* ) and they didn't have 911 or anything, but honest to G*d if somebody is coking on candy or ice this does really work!!

*ends public safety message/threadjack*

Jezzebelle
06-26-2008, 05:30 AM
^^^
Hahahaha! So are we safe if we choke in your company or not? :)

renaissance
06-26-2008, 12:32 PM
What did the asian janitor yell when he jumped out of the closet?



SUPPLIES!!!!!!!!!

UtahMike
06-26-2008, 01:19 PM
This drunk ws sitting in a bar when a proper Englishman walked in.

"Bartender, I'll have a shot of fifty year old Scotch," said the Englishman.

Figuring he wouldn't know the difference, the bartender went in the back room and poured a shot of cheap Scotch and served it to the Englishman, who downed it in one gulp and glared at the bartender.

"That Scotch wasn't even five years old! Bring me some fifty year old Scotch!"

So the bartender went in the back and found some thirty year old Scotch, poured a shot of that, and served it. Again, the Englishman downed it in one gulp and glared at the bartender.

"That was better, but it was still only thirty years old. Bring me some fifty year old Scotch!"

So the bartender sent someone out to the liquor store to buy a bottle of fifty year old Scotch. When he served it, the Englishman gave a long sigh of pleasure and said, "Now THAT was fifty year old Scotch! Excellent!"

The drunk had been watching all this, and he spoke up. "Can y'really tell what a drink is jus' by tastin' it?" he slurred.

"Indeed I can, my good man," said the Englishman. "I am a connoisseur ."

"I betcha fifty bucks I can give ya a shot and ya won' be able t'tell what it is," said the drunk.

"You've got a bet, sir," said the Englishman.

So the drunk took a shot glass and went in the back room. He came back out with a glass of amber liquid and placed it on the bar in front of the Englishman. The Englishman picked it up and downed it in one gulp, and then he gagged.

"Oh my God! That was piss!"gasped the Englishman.

"Right y'are!" said the drunk. "Now, how old am I?"

CKXXX
06-26-2008, 02:52 PM
.. Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.






The man at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'


'Eight,' the boy replied.






The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'


The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either one.

Budai
06-26-2008, 05:40 PM
Once we had Bill Clinton, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope. Now we have Bush, no Cash and no Hope.

UtahMike
06-26-2008, 07:01 PM
George Bush, Al Gore, and Bill Clinton met the Wizard of Oz, and he game each of them one wish.

George Bush thought and thought, and he decided he wanted a bigger heart so he could be a more compassionate conservative.

Al Gore didn't take a second to decide that he wanted a better, smarter brain so he would understand all the issues even better.

Bill Clinton sort of sidled around until he got close to the Wizard.

"Well, what do you want," asked the Wizard.

Bill got real close, and then he whispered into the Wizard's ear, "Where's Dorothy?"

Budai
06-26-2008, 08:03 PM
ANCIENT PROVERBS

Virginity like bubble: one prick, all gone.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

Man who fight with wife all day get no peace at night.

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man’s well often catch crabs.

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

VegasPrincess
06-26-2008, 10:33 PM
^^^
Hahahaha! So are we safe if we choke in your company or not? :)

Yes, you won't choke to death, but you probably won't be feeling so well for a couple weeks afterwards either ;)

UtahMike
06-29-2008, 09:07 PM
Up in Valhalla, the Mighty Norse god Thor was feeling horny for some mortal pussy. So he flew down to midgard (the earth), went to a dance club, and hooked up with a buxom young lady. They went back to her apartment and made love all night long, in every position possible, and a few that weren't. The next morning, as Thor was getting ready to leave, he heard the girl in the bathroom. He thought to himself, "She'll be really disappointed if she thiks she'll have sex like this with mortal men. I'd better tell her who I am."

So he went to the bathroom door and said, "Before I go, I want you to know I'm Thor."

From the bathroom came her reply, "You think YOU'RE Thor? I'm tho thore I can't even pith!"

Budai
06-29-2008, 10:06 PM
^ Ahh yeth, Utah Mike! You've opened up the can of "Lithping Joketh"...

A dwarf with a lisp is shopping at an agricultural show for a mare and spots a beauty standing inside a small enclosure. He approaches Farmer Brown at the gate and says, “Her eyeth, her eyeth, I want to see her eyeth!”

The farmer bends, picks up the dwarf and shows him the mare’s eyes. "I like thith horth, I like thith horth! I think I want to buy thith horth!” the dwarf shouts, squirming and kicking with excitement. At this point, an irritated Farmer Brown puts the little guy down because he's quite heavy.

Suddenly, the dwarf exclaims, “Her twat. her twat, I want to see her twat!” Farmer Brown picks up the dwarf and drives him headfirst into the mare’s backside. He walks off to chat with his buddies for a couple of minutes, then returns and yanks the wriggling dwarf from his tight jam: SCHLOOOOP-POP!!!

Gasping for breath, the dwarf wipes himself down and then pants, “I think I'd better wephrase that…I’d like to thee her gallop!”

UtahMike
06-30-2008, 12:21 AM
This guy is in a bar and the bartender asks him to drive this very drunk girl home.

"OK," he says, "but I'm a happily married man, so there'll be no funny business."

So she gets in his car and he drives and drives. After about fifteen minutes, she says "You're passionate."

He says, "Lady, I'm a happily married man, so there'll be no funny business."

He drives another fifteen minutes, then says, "How far away do you live, anyway?"

She says, "I told you way back there that you were passionate."

Budai
06-30-2008, 11:04 AM
Q: What does Winnie The Pooh call his grandmother?

A: "Poohnanny"

UtahMike
06-30-2008, 01:18 PM
What does Winnie the Pooh drink for breakfast?

Poohntang.

UtahMike
07-01-2008, 07:50 PM
Q. What did the jJapanese businessman in the strip club say after he had spent all his money?

A. "I don't have a yen for a lap dance."

Budai
07-01-2008, 09:52 PM
When old Mr. O'Leary died, an elaborate wake was planned. In preparation, Mrs. O'Leary called the undertaker aside for a private little talk.

"Please be sure to fasten his toupee to his head very securely. No one but I knew he was bald," she confided, "and he'd never rest in peace if anyone found out at this point. Our friends from the old country are sure to hold his hands and touch his head before they're through paying their last respects."

"Rest assured, Mrs. O'Leary," comforted the undertaker, "I'll fix it so that toupee will never come off."

Sure enough, the day of the wake the old timers were giving O'Leary's corpse quite a going-over, but the toupee stayed firmly in place. At the end of the day a delighted Mrs. O'Leary offered the undertaker an extra thousand dollars for handling the matter so professionally.

"Oh, I couldn't possibly accept your money," protested the undertaker. "After all...what's a few nails?"

UtahMike
07-01-2008, 10:06 PM
The Great Hunter had hunted the oryx, the Siberian tiger, the musk ox, and he languished in want of a new prey. Then he heard of the foo bird, which was reputed to live in the heart of darkest Africa. No hunter had ever taken a foo bird. It was said to be death to shoot the foo bird.

The Great Hunter left immediately for Africa, hired a crew of beaters and bearers and set off in pursuit of the rare and inscrutable foo bird. After weeks of hacking through the dense jungle, his safari entered a clearing in which there was a small, calm lake, and on the other side, a tall tree on which sat a single foo bird, doing nothing, saying less.

The Great Hunter reached for his rifle, but his head beater put his hand on the Great Hunter's arm.

"Stop, Bwana," he said. "It is death to hunt the foo bird."

The Great Hunter shrugged off the restraining hand. "Silly native!" he thought, and raised his rifle to his shoulder.

But the foo bird, while doing nothing and saying less, had seen the rifle, and took wing from its lofty perch. Flying over the Great Hunter, it let loose from its anus a gigantic dropping of foo shit, which struck the Great Hunter full in the face.

"Agh! Gag!" choked the Great Hunter, and he dived into the calm and placid lake to wash off the shit from his face. Immediately the crocodile which had hidden in the lake whipped its tail, opened its mouth, and devoured him.

The moral of this story? If the foo shits, wear it.

Budai
07-08-2008, 11:33 PM
Little Johnny awoke from his afternoon nap to the sound of his father moaning in the next room. When he peeped around the corner, he spied his mother sucking on his father's penis.

Later that day, Johnny bashfully approached his mother and whispered: "I saw you kissing Daddy down there! Is that where babies come from?"

"No, sweetie," replied his unfazed mother, "that's where jewelry comes from."

CinammonGirl
07-08-2008, 11:48 PM
Hmm...

Q. What's a masturbator's favorite holiday?

A. Palm Sunday.



Wow, that's all I can think of.

Jezzebelle
07-09-2008, 03:35 AM
Little Red Riding Hood was stopped in the woods by The Wolf who shouted `Tke off your top and let me suck your tits!`

Little Red Riding shouting `Fuck You!

Then she pulled her knickers down and said `Eat me like the fucking book says`
:)

UtahMike
07-10-2008, 12:41 PM
There was a 10 year old boy walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He walked up to a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, 'I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money and I'm not leaving until I do.'

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, 'Do any of the girls have any diseases?' Of course, the Madam said no, but the boy replied, 'I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making it with Amber. So THAT'S the girl I want!'

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, ' Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others? '

He said, 'Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with my babysitter. After they leave, my babysitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of little boys. She will get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the babysitter home. On the way, he'll jump her bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the babysitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease...and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!'

thechaosfairy
07-10-2008, 08:43 PM
Up in Valhalla, the Mighty Norse god Thor was feeling horny for some mortal pussy. So he flew down to midgard (the earth), went to a dance club, and hooked up with a buxom young lady. They went back to her apartment and made love all night long, in every position possible, and a few that weren't. The next morning, as Thor was getting ready to leave, he heard the girl in the bathroom. He thought to himself, "She'll be really disappointed if she thiks she'll have sex like this with mortal men. I'd better tell her who I am."

So he went to the bathroom door and said, "Before I go, I want you to know I'm Thor."

From the bathroom came her reply, "You think YOU'RE Thor? I'm tho thore I can't even pith!"

Or the somewhat tamer version:

The Thunder God went for a ride
Upon his favorite filly.
"I'm Thor!" he cried.
The horse replied,
"You forgot your thaddle, thilly."

Luke34
07-26-2008, 03:24 AM
His request approved, the Fox News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.
Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on
the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.
'Because I'm a photographer for Fox Cable News,' he responded.
'And I need to get some close up shots.'
The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered,
'So, what you're telling me, is . .. you're NOT my flight instructor?

lgrant98001
07-26-2008, 09:33 AM
One my dad used to tell...

"I was stopped at a red light when this cute woman got in the passenger seat and asked if I could give her a ride. The light turned green and I took off. Before I could ask her where she was going, she ran her hand down my leg, and told me that for $100 she could show me a really good time. She was from the Caribbean, that island where they make all the rum...."

At this point, one of the listeners usually pipes up and says, "Jamica?"

"Nah, I threw her out at the next stop light."

Budai
07-26-2008, 10:11 AM
Q: What do you call a one-legged dancer? :-\

A: Eileen.


^ Q: Where does she go to eat breakfast?

A: IHOP

Johnny_Rexx
07-26-2008, 04:19 PM
Q: What is a womans Definition of a bastard ?

A: A guy that fucks you all night with a 3" dick :'( and kisses you goodbye in the morning with a 10" tongue.. :O

UtahMike
07-27-2008, 05:21 PM
Benny wanted to live forever, so he went to the witch doctor. The witch doctor gave him a charm and told him that as long as he never shaved or cut his hair, he would live forever, but if he ever did either of those things he would be cursed and turned into a Grecian urn.

So Benny went along with this for a century or so until he met a cute girl and fell in love. She convinced him to get a shave and a haircut for the wedding ceremony, and, "ZAP!"

Benny was turned into a Grecian urn.

The moral of this story is, "A Benny shaved is a Benny urned."

Jezzebelle
07-28-2008, 03:42 AM
Omg thats atrocious!! I hate that its making me laugh so much! LOL

UtahMike
08-14-2008, 09:38 AM
A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a
face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The
Knob," where a small knob is placed on the top of a woman's head and
can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new
face lift. Of course the woman wanted "The Knob."

Over the course of the years, the woman kept tightening the
knob, and the effects were wonderful, and the woman remained
young-looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with
two problems. "All these years, everything has been
working just fine. I've had to turn The knob many times and I've
always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying
problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the
knob won't get rid of them."

The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags,
those are your breasts."

"Well," She said, "I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee."

UtahMike
08-14-2008, 10:08 AM
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."
He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar."
The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

Crow2
08-14-2008, 01:40 PM
What bees give milk?

BOO-bees!!!

Gabrielle MB
08-15-2008, 12:19 AM
^^^^ :laughing: :boobies: :laughing: ^^^^

Holy shit that's funny.

Budai
08-15-2008, 02:26 AM
Q: What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?

A: Pumpkin pi.

UtahMike
08-15-2008, 08:09 PM
^^ Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Love_Spell
08-15-2008, 09:39 PM
This was told to me:

If a girl with big boobs works at hooters where does a girl with only one leg work?






















Ihop

Budai
08-15-2008, 10:12 PM
Q: What is the difference between a Catholic priest and acne?

A: Acne waits until you're 13 to come on your face.

Luxurious1
08-15-2008, 10:17 PM
^ LOL

Jezzebelle
08-16-2008, 04:51 AM
LMAO!!!!

Budai
08-16-2008, 11:45 PM
A guy walks into a bar and spots a sign on the wall that reads:


"Cheese sandwich..... $4.00
Chicken sandwich..... $7.50
Handjob..... $20.00"

He curiously asks the barmaid, "Are you the one who gives the handjobs, as well?"

"Yeah," she replies, "How may I help you?"

"Go wash your hands then," he says, "I want a cheese sandwich."

UtahMike
08-18-2008, 09:29 PM
http://www.tom-phillips-r.info/r-rated/images.r/misc.images.r.rated/ama.warning.gif

Lexi
08-18-2008, 09:34 PM
.......

UtahMike
08-18-2008, 10:16 PM
^^ Did you need to get glasses or lasik surgery?

MojoJojo
08-18-2008, 10:17 PM
A piece of string that's had a bad day, is all knotted up and has frizzy hair walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "Heeey...aren't you just a piece of string?" The disheveled string says....."I'm a frayed knot."

MojoJojo
08-18-2008, 10:46 PM
A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Bartender...I'd like a beer....and a mop."