View Full Version : Got any good jokes?
MojoJojo
08-18-2008, 10:59 PM
It's a skeleton....the beer immediately hits the floor. That explains it...doesn't explain it being funny :)
MojoJojo
08-18-2008, 11:00 PM
A teacher shows a classroom of kindergartners a picture of a penis. She says "What's this??" Billy says, "That's a PENIS and my daddy has TWO of 'em!" The teacher says, "Well...yes, that's a penis, but I don't think your daddy has two of them." Billy says, "Yeah-HUH...he has a little one he pees with, then a BIG one he brushes mommy's teeth with!"
lestat1
08-18-2008, 11:03 PM
What's the worst part about finding a dead baby on the beach?
Trying to hide your erection.
MojoJojo
08-18-2008, 11:06 PM
Now THAT one made me laugh.
Thank you...thank you...I'll be here all week.
Budai
08-18-2008, 11:32 PM
Q: If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it naked or homeless ?
UtahMike
08-19-2008, 10:52 PM
Top Ten Questions Not To Ask In A Job Interview
10. What's your company's policy on severance pay?
9. How long does it take your company's bureaucracy to get around to firing somebody for poor performance?
8. Do you have a random drug testing policy?
7. Does your company's life insurance cover suicide?
6. How in depth are your criminal background checks?
5. Does your company's insurance consider genital herpes a pre-existing condition?
4. How many sick days do you allow each employee before you stop paying them for not being here?
3. Does your insurance cover sex-change operations?
2. Does your internet access have a firewall that blocks pornographic websites?
1. How frequently do your accountants audit petty cash?
I was really depressed last night so I called Lifeline.
It was a call center in Pakistan.
I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I knew how to drive a truck.
lestat1
08-21-2008, 05:17 PM
A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors; Bob, Tom and Debbie. They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.
After several years of casual sex, all the time, Debbie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing. She felt having sex with both Bob and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.
It was tragic, but Bob and Tom managed to get through it. After a while, Bob and Tom's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the inevitable happened. Well, a couple more years went by and Bob and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.
So they buried Debbie.
Bubba was telling Andy about his walk home from the bar yesterday. He walked along the RR tracks and came upon a beautiful naked woman tied to the tracks. Bubba untied her and they proceeded to have wanton sex in every imaginable position.
Andy asked Bubba if he got a blow job.
Bubba replies, ''No, I couldn't find her head"
Budai
08-23-2008, 04:21 AM
A local barfly notices a woman arriving at around 10:00pm and leaving after last call on a fairly regular basis. After 2 weeks of this routine, he slides along the counter and makes his move.
"Need some company, Miss?" he asks gruffly.
"No thank you," she replies politely, "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."
"That must be rather difficult," the man replies.
"Oh, I don't mind too much," she says, "but my husband seems pissed off."
Budai
08-25-2008, 09:51 AM
Two necrophiliacs are working side-by-side at the County Morgue. One turns to the other and says, "You should have seen this floater chick they pulled out of the water after she'd been there for three weeks. Dude, I'm tellin' you, her clit was just like a pickle."
"What do you mean?" asks his coworker, "Was it green?"
"No, dude," replies the first, "just a bit sour."
UtahMike
09-01-2008, 09:59 PM
A man is laying in bed with his new girlfriend.
After having great sex, she spends the next hour just stroking his penis, something she seems to love to do.
Enjoying it, he turns and asks her, "Why do you love doing that?"
She replies: "Because I really miss mine."
UtahMike
09-01-2008, 10:08 PM
A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage counsellor. The counsellor asks the wife what is the problem.
She responds " My husband suffers from premature ejaculation."
The counsellor turns to her husband and inquires "Is that true?"
The husband replies "Well not exactly, it's her that suffers not me."
UtahMike
09-01-2008, 10:09 PM
Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.
Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him.
"No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."
Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier.
But still there is complete silence at the table. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of vaseline.
Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE FUCKING DISHES!"
Darcy Foxx
09-01-2008, 10:10 PM
just got this one in my email haha...
Jack walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Jack and said, 'Do you think he'll jump?'
Jack says, 'You know, I bet he will.'
The blonde replied, 'Well, I bet he won't.'
Jack placed $50 on the bar and said, 'You're on!'
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $50 to Jack, saying, 'Fair's fair. Here's your money.'
Jack replied, 'I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump.'
The blonde replies, 'I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again.'
Budai
09-01-2008, 11:47 PM
This guy's internist refers him to a female urologist. The moment he enters the examining room, he's struck by the doctor's beauty and by how unbelievably sexy she is. Naturally, he eagerly allows her to begin checking him out.
Almost immediately, the urologist looks up and says, "Sir, it's my opinion that your masturbating is creating a problem."
"How?" he asks.
"Because I'm trying to examine you," she replies.
kitana
09-02-2008, 10:09 AM
http://www.tom-phillips-r.info/r-rated/images.r/misc.images.r.rated/ama.warning.gif
Can someone PLEASE tell me what this says?!;)
UtahMike
09-02-2008, 09:03 PM
A Mexican, a German, and a blond guy are all working the high iron on a skyscraper. Every day, they sit down on one of the iron beams and eat their lunch.
On Wednesday, the Mexican opens his lunch and it's a burrito again. He says, "You know, I told my wife I liked burritos, but I didn't want one every day. I'm so sick of them that if I get another one, I'm going to jump off this building."
"Me too," says the German guy. "Every day, my wife sends me a bratwurst. If I get another bratwurst, I'm going to jump, too."
The blond guy says, "I know exactly what you mean. Every day, it's a baloney sandwich. If I get another baloney sandwich, I'm going to jump, too."
The next day, they sit down on the beam to eat and open their lunch boxes. It's a burrito, a bratwurst, and a baloney sandwich, so they all three jump.
At the funeral, the wives are all sitting around and crying. One of their husbands' co-workers had told them why the three men jumped.
The Mexican guy's wife and the German guy's wife are saying, "Why didn't he just tell me to pack something else? I would've done it for him." Then they turn to the blond guy's wife, and ask, "Did your husband ever complain to you about his lunch?"
"How could he complain?" she answers. "He packs his own lunch."
Luke34
09-03-2008, 02:55 AM
very clever... Kosovo by the Beach Boys
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=smlrSYiYd_o
Budai
09-11-2008, 01:19 AM
I was watching TV with my wife this evening when she turned to me and
said, "Honey, let me tell you something that will make you both happy and sad."
"Sure," I replied, "what's that?"
"You're a much better fuck than any of your friends," she said... http://img2.mysmiley.net/imgs/smile/adult/hump.gif
Budai
09-21-2008, 12:17 PM
As a woman entered an elevator, a guy already inside smiled and said, "T-G-I-F".
The woman smiled back and replied, "S-H-I-T".
Understandably offended, the man explained, "'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank God It's Friday'. Get it? Duuhhh!"
The woman answered, "'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday.'"
UtahMike
09-30-2008, 07:00 PM
Joe went to a doctor and asked him if he ever laughed at a patient.
The Doctor replied 'Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional.
In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'
'Okay then,' Joe said, and proceeded to drop his trousers,
revealing the tiniest 'whoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen.
It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery.
Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, and then fell
laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to
his feet and
regain his composure. 'I'm so sorry,' said the doctor. 'I really am.
I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a
gentleman,
I promise it won't happen again.
Now, what seems to be the problem?'
'It's swollen,' Joe replied.
winterrose
09-30-2008, 08:40 PM
do you know why witches don't wear panties?
so they can get a better grip on the broomstick...
Dirty Ernie
09-30-2008, 09:19 PM
A man is commuting home from work in Washington DC earlier this week and comes to a dead stop in traffic. Knowing the candidates were buzzing around town that day, he figured that was the cause.
10 minutes later, having not moved, a man approaches his car and raps on the window. "Have you heard?" the man asks excitedly. " Terrorists have McCain, Palin, Obama , and Biden held hostage on a bus and are threatening to douse them with gasoline and light them on fire if they don't get $50,000 in the next half hour! We're going car to car for donations" the man said.
The commuter asks "What's the average being given?"
The man replies "Oh, about a gallon."
Budai
10-01-2008, 01:19 PM
Every morning for nearly 50 years, the husband in a married couple would wake up and cut an enormous fart, much to his wife's disgust.
"You'll fart your guts out one of these days!" she always complained.
The week before their 50th anniversary, the wife decided she'd had enough and slipped a couple of turkey giblets into the bed underneath the old boy's ass.
While making breakfast downstairs, she heard his thunderous morning fart followed by a blood curdling scream.
Ten minutes later, her shaken husband came downstairs.
"You was right all along, honey!" he exclaimed. "I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God and these 2 fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!"
ViolaStrings
10-01-2008, 01:45 PM
^ OMFG I love your siggy
Budai
10-01-2008, 02:07 PM
^ Thanks, VS! :-[
It was a gift from an SW peer who has mad skillz.... :wizard:
keniso
10-01-2008, 10:26 PM
Horse went to the bar and the bartender said Why the long face?
Budai
10-02-2008, 02:01 AM
Young Sally came home from school with a smile on her face, and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the back of the playground!"
Before her mother could raise her concerns, Sally continued, "Know what, Mom? It reminded me of a peanut."
Sally's Mom relaxed, then asked, "Really small, was it?"
"No, Mom," replied Sally, "it was really salty."
Sam98_12
10-02-2008, 02:03 AM
OK, i have a gross joke. LIKE SERIOUSLY GROSS..
PREPARE AND BRACE YOURSELF.
Whats the difference between period and sand....You cant gargle sand!
Sam98_12
10-02-2008, 02:05 AM
No- one hate me for that joke please.....I just heard it A LONG TIME AGO.
verfolgung
11-11-2008, 12:13 PM
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
verfolgung
11-11-2008, 12:16 PM
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'you should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too!!!'
verfolgung
11-11-2008, 12:21 PM
For those who are a little saddened by the state of the market....
NEW INVESTOR VOCABULARY
BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER -- What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS 2000 -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT -- an archaic word no longer in use.
Fabulous Disaster
11-12-2008, 08:10 PM
Stupidity or Irony?
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80, 000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her with an axe leaving her mentally retarded.
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Until that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn Germany. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.
Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
Jezzebelle
11-13-2008, 10:08 AM
Horse went to the bar and the bartender said Why the long face?
Celine Dion walks into a bar and the battender says, "Why the long face" :P
As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom
door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from
within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter
with a vibrator.
Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you
doing?'
The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years
old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as
I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and
leave me alone.'
The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz
coming from the other side of the closed bedroom
door. Upon entering the room, he observed his
daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.
To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter
said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this
thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a
husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'
A couple days later, the wife came home from a
shopping trip,
placed the groceries on the kitchen
counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from,
of all places, the living room. She entered that
area and observed her husband sitting on the couch,
downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.
The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing
like crazy.
The wife asked: 'What the
[email protected]!* are you doing?'
The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my
son-in-law.
Miss_Luscious
11-13-2008, 01:08 PM
A rabbi and a Catholic priest are driving together and they pass a young boy walking home from school. The priest says "Hey, do you want to go fuck that little boy?" The rabbi replies, "Out of what?"
MissAlethea
11-24-2008, 01:22 PM
A lawyer pulls up to the courthouse, and as he's getting out of his car, a truck comes by and takes off his door! When the police arrive, he's standing next to his car, rocking back and forth, whimpering "My Beemer! Oh, my poor Beemer... Ohhhh, my Beemer!"
The police officer, assuming the man is in shock, gently says, 'Sir, I think you might want to be a little more concerned about your left arm..."
The lawyer looks down, and sure enough, the truck had taken his arm off just below the shoulder!
His eyes widen in horror, and he screams, "MY ROLEX!"
Gabrielle MB
12-22-2008, 04:34 AM
Q) Why are eating pussy and smoking similar?
A) The closer you get to the butt, the more flavor.
retiredangel
12-22-2008, 12:59 PM
Corny Xmas joke:
Why did Frosty the Snowman get all excited when it started to snow?
...because he heard a snowblower coming up the street! ;D
Ferret
12-27-2008, 12:34 PM
A drunken sailor wants another drink but has run out of money. The bartender, for a joke contracts the sailor to pull a bad tooth out of a dogs mouth and for a full bottle to go upstairs and screw the really old woman living there. The sailor agrees ---
Everyone hears the dog yelping...arrrk arrkkk arkkkkkkk
The sailor returns hitchin his pants and says " ok ..hic... where is that woman with the bad tooth.
CinammonGirl
12-28-2008, 08:25 AM
What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
A hooker can wash her crack and still sell it to a different customer.
__________________________________________________ ________
What fits between your boobs
Fits neatly into a hole
and gets longer when jerked?
A seatbelt! Buckle up you pervert
Mr. Happy
12-28-2008, 08:48 AM
Little boy asks dad for a tricycle. Dad replies, "Son, can your dick touch your ass?" Boy walks away confused.
A few years later...
Same kid, now a young teenager, asks dad for a bicycle. Dad replies, "Son, can your dick touch your ass?" Son says "Uh... no."
A few years later...
Now 19, the young man asks his dad for a car. Dad replies, "Son, can your dick touch your ass?" Son, now having matured and is rather well hung, says "Yes dad, it can!" Dad says, "Well son, go fuck yourself."
Sam98_12
12-29-2008, 04:02 AM
Hey guys I havent been on here in ages.......
but I got a gross joke..
Whats the difference between period (menstrual cycle) and sand...
You cant gargle sand..... OMG GROSS HEY?>
greggy
01-10-2009, 06:49 PM
^^ You posted that one 2.5 months prior at the top of the page.
Now that's funny!
verfolgung
02-11-2009, 12:16 PM
WARNING: The Erectus Trouserius or the trouser snake is one of the world’s most dangerous snakes. Colour varies fm pink to black. It’s fangless, average length 5 - 9 inches depending on subspecies & honesty of it’s owner, it appears in bedrooms but found in unusual places at times. Attacks women in the mouth or lower abdominal area, its highly venomous spit can cause swelling lasting 9 months, some r also known 2 attack men from behind!
verfolgung
03-26-2009, 11:54 AM
Isn't it unnerving that Doctors call what they do "practice?"
I've gone into hundreds of [fortune-teller's parlors],
and have been told thousands of things, but nobody ever
told me I was a policewoman getting ready to arrest them.
- a New York City detective
It's not the work that I enjoy so much,
but the people I run into!
- a New York City cab driver
A banker sat for his portrait, then refused to pay the
$3,000 fee, insisting "it's not me". Later the portrait
was exhibited, with the title "Thief". The banker called
the artist to complain. "But it's not you, you said so
yourself" said the artist. The painting was eventually
sold to the banker...for $5,000