View Full Version : What should I do.
Aubreyyy
05-18-2008, 01:42 AM
This is all I'm going to say, then I'm going to be done.
Yeah, my post was bitchy. But I think you deserve the best I can give you, which is the TRUTH, instead of blowing some bullshit up your ass about how you should "totes keep your baby b/c love can make anything work." I without a doubt believed that if in some alternate dimension that you HAD to keep it, that you'd adapt and learn and be a great mother. But that is the BEAUTY of our culture- YOU HAVE A CHOICE!!! You are able to examine where you're at in life, and DECIDE whether or not you are ready to raise a well-cared for child.
If you don't want our honest opinions...don't ask for them. Its a hard choice, and its yours alone to make. We can only provide you with insight and perspectives for you to use. I honestly don't know how I would be reacting in the same situation, but I would be very grateful with everyone who provided help, even those who had to "get real" with me.
Edited to ask- Gypsy, are you afraid your boyfriend is going to be angry with you if you don't keep it? I remember that you said he was totally against abortion. If so, is not making your boyfriend mad reason enough to bring a child into this world and change YOUR life completely?
Jeanette
05-18-2008, 02:09 AM
Maybe they're hoping she'll realize giving her baby a better, more stable home trumps potential stretch marks?
Okay, maybe that was a bit snarky, but it has been the OP's rationalization for not giving the kid up for adoption.
I wonder if she knew she'd get back her pre-pregnancy body just fine if she would then give the kid up for adoption...my mind wanders sometimes.
I understand why people who feel strongly about adoption/are pro-life/see the OP as unprepared would want to push the issue of adoption, it just seems to get repetitive when the OP is having to repeat herself, and adoption wasn't an option in the poll.
Is the main reason the OP won't consider adoption because she's worried about her body? To me it sounded like there were a lot of other reasons against it, but realistically, there is a good chance that a pregnancy would take a toll on her body, and should be considered, no? I mean, it would be another reason why her life would have to continue to be put on hold.
It's a sensitive issue, and really the main decision that she must make now is whether to terminate soon or not, everything else can be dealt with after.
shasta
05-18-2008, 03:29 AM
I voted for surgical abortion
christian211
05-18-2008, 06:27 AM
all im gonna say on this is base your decision on you raising the child as a single mother because no woman can rely on any man to be there supporting her and her child. things happen - the man could leave, die etc.....
it's always the woman left holding the baby.
I agree w/ this wholeheartedly. Make this decision as if a man doesn't and/or will never exist in your life.
Yekhefah
05-18-2008, 08:40 AM
who the fuck are you to say that I'm not ready for motherhood??? I've been independent since I was 17, i moved out here on my fucking own when i was 18, i've been supporting myself 100 percent the entire time and I've dealt with more shit than most people my age.
Good for you. Same here. That doesn't make you emotionally mature, stable, or responsible. I'm with Dottie in that this very poll should tell you what you need to know, in addition to everything else you've posted on this forum.
When you asked for advice and guidance, was that a code for "tell me to keep the baby because that's what I want to hear, and my fairy godmother will appear and wave her magic wand and make it all work out the way I want"? I missed that memo, sorry.
You can't even make a commitment to a kitten. How could you handle a child?
there are government programs that help single mothers to take care of the money issue, and my boyfriend would work every waking hour of his life to take care of us, so keep your judgements to yourself.
Maybe he will, maybe he won't. But yeah, if he won't, just bleed the taxpayers. That's a great plan.
if you were in my situation and got pregnant right now with your fiance's child... can you imagine how it would feel to have people telling you to go for adoption??
If I were asking for their advice and opinions, I would hope they'd lay out ALL my options. I would consider adoption, but at this point I would probably keep it because we're 29 and 30, reasonably stable, engaged, responsible, and mature. If I were 19 and homeless with a problematic relationship, I would definitely either abort or start looking for real parents.
I'm sure you think I'm being horribly mean by not telling you that every whim you may have is wonderful and it'll all work out however you want it to. I knew everything when I was 19 too.
I do wish you luck.
CKXXX
05-18-2008, 10:50 AM
^^^ I agree 100%.
BrodieLux
05-18-2008, 11:21 AM
I get the sense that you were hoping everyone would tell you to have the child rather than abort. Is that actually what you want?
Sunshine73
05-18-2008, 01:23 PM
If you want the baby, keep the baby, but I'm serious when I say that you really have to step up and be an adult. This means having a stable home, having a good income, and, most importantly, the capacity to make good choices for yourself and your child. You can't be off in lala land when raising a kid. You constantly have to pay attention. Pay attention to your intuition and your feelings. Because there are scumbags out there who could hurt your kid if you let your guard down. And yes, you have to be willing and able to raise the child on your own should things not work out between you and your boyfriend. And if you guys spilt up, would you be able to handle the drama that comes with it? Would you be strong enough and mature enough to handle it all in a way that would be best for your kid?
All food for thought. Only you can truthfully answer.
Sunshine73
05-18-2008, 01:25 PM
I will also add that I have had to make TREMENDOUS sacrifices for my kid to make sure he grows up to be a good man. But it is worth it. Believe me.
Dottie Rebel
05-18-2008, 02:07 PM
If this is how you react on an internet forum I'd hate to see how you'd react to real world situations with a child.
TheSexKitten
05-18-2008, 02:21 PM
The beauty in this situation is that you have a choice.
This isn't the only chance you will ever have of getting pregnant. Since a boo-boo happened in the contraceptive phase, you have the option to abort the blastocyst, get your life together, and have a baby when you're ready 5 years down the line or so.
You and I have very similar life stories. We were both out on our own early, we're both about the same age, etc. But seriously, I can't comprehend having a child. The idea scares the living daylights out of me. Even worse than taking care of the child is the guilt that I would feel if its well-being suffered because of my own poor planning and circumstances. But that's just me.
Think really. Really. Long and hard about this, because 18 years is a looong time, and the government welfare programs you reference might not even be there by the time you need them. :-\
p.s. Having a baby doesn't necessarily ruin your body. It's called exercise and diet... and possibly a tummy tuck.
CKXXX
05-18-2008, 04:21 PM
If this is how you react on an internet forum I'd hate to see how you'd react to real world situations with a child.
Careful now...when I said exactly the same thing I got in trouble for it....::)
Elusive21
05-18-2008, 04:25 PM
Okay i rarely ever post my views but in these threads but scince this is thread asking what I think i am going to tell. I am pro life i absoultly belvie that you have a person inside you that deserve the chance at life. The baby already has a heart beat and is devloping. I urge you to go and get an ultrasound and look at your child and then make a choice. Please don't flame me for my views you all get to say yours mine may be unpopular but it is in my heart to speek for the unborn. I am not judging or slamming you this world is full with differnt ppl with differnt perspectives this is just mine. You are intiltled to yours.
I agree.
phillyvixen
05-18-2008, 05:54 PM
I have to say this
I just had a surprise baby, she wasn't planned, but i decided to keep her because i felt like i had everything i needed to give her a good life.
I am in a STABLE relationship and financially secure, i have the support of both of our families and i'm 27.
That being said, Having a newborn is one of the hardest fucking things i've ever had to do. I am struggling with feeling tied down and trapped and I have everything going for me. I love her more then anything but taking care of her consumes my whole life.
THERE IS NO WAY I COULD HAVE DONE THIS AT 19
NOT a chance in hell
I know a lot of young women have kids but i couldn't have.
I needed to travel and explore and see the world first, and i did all that and this is still REALLY hard!
So personally i think you should abort for now and get your shit together, follow your dreams and then settle down and have a family.
The worst thing you can do is resent your baby for taking away your dreams.
Sunshine73
05-18-2008, 09:27 PM
^^ Or a baby can push you to pursue your dreams even harder.
I agree....I had my child at 26 with no family around to help (I actually preferred it this way) and it was difficult enough. I don't think that I could have been able to handle it well at 19. But that's just me.
NinaDaisy
05-18-2008, 09:35 PM
^^ Or a baby can push you to pursue your dreams even harder.
I agree....I had my child at 26 with no family around to help (I actually preferred it this way) and it was difficult enough. I don't think that I could have been able to handle it well at 19. But that's just me.
Ideally, you should push for those dreams before you have a kid. The money and time needed to properly care for a child takes away from your own.
And yeah, there's a massive difference between 26 and 19. I just turned 30, and there's a huge difference between 26 and 30. But 26 is a much better age for most women to have a kid than 19. Especially if the 19 year old is surrounded by instability everywhere.
BrunetteGoddess
05-18-2008, 09:57 PM
Gawd this woman worries me. And now she's given up on reading advice that she asked for that could really help her. (she hasn't logged on since she said "fuck it" earlier in the thread)
Sunshine73
05-18-2008, 11:10 PM
Ideally, you should push for those dreams before you have a kid. The money and time needed to properly care for a child takes away from your own.
And yeah, there's a massive difference between 26 and 19. I just turned 30, and there's a huge difference between 26 and 30. But 26 is a much better age for most women to have a kid than 19. Especially if the 19 year old is surrounded by instability everywhere.
Ideally yes, but...I did push for my dreams before my kid, and I pushed for them even harder after, and now I am succeeding. :party If you are savvy and have good time/money management skills, you'll be able to raise your child and pursue your goals successfully. They key has been putting my kid first and then working everything else around him. Luckily I found a way to do this, as my jobs pay well and the hours are flexible. Just saying it IS possible.
Still, when you are 19 this is a LOT to manage!!! You really have to have it together!!
CKXXX
05-18-2008, 11:21 PM
Gawd this woman worries me. And now she's given up on reading advice that she asked for that could really help her. (she hasn't logged on since she said "fuck it" earlier in the thread)
I doubt she will.She wanted people here to tell her that babies are born in a soft flow of rainbows and magic out of her and after that money and love just fall from the sky and make everything better. Damn us all for thinking a 19 yr old with a deadbeat bf who cant even take care of themselves and a kitten PROBABLY arent the best candidates for parents of the year.
I'll prob get a rage filled FUCKFUCKFUCKYOUYOUYOU for this(and hmmm calming that temper would be healthy for the baby too...think about it ok)followed by another point for being "mean".
Ok then...everything will be fine. You will suddenly have tons of money(even though you wont be working and your bf cant hold one for more then a cpl months). When you get all big and fat your bf will think its cute and WONT run screaming from commitment as men..um...never do.
And your baby will be healthy and happy even though you will have refused a lot of the testing and pregnancy checks and test throughout because you dont like needles.
At least the kitten is getting out of here....
vivianbear
05-19-2008, 02:01 AM
I doubt she will.She wanted people here to tell her that babies are born in a soft flow of rainbows and magic out of her and after that money and love just fall from the sky and make everything better. Damn us all for thinking a 19 yr old with a deadbeat bf who cant even take care of themselves and a kitten PROBABLY arent the best candidates for parents of the year.
I'll prob get a rage filled FUCKFUCKFUCKYOUYOUYOU for this(and hmmm calming that temper would be healthy for the baby too...think about it ok)followed by another point for being "mean".
Ok then...everything will be fine. You will suddenly have tons of money(even though you wont be working and your bf cant hold one for more then a cpl months). When you get all big and fat your bf will think its cute and WONT run screaming from commitment as men..um...never do.
And your baby will be healthy and happy even though you will have refused a lot of the testing and pregnancy checks and test throughout because you dont like needles.
At least the kitten is getting out of here....
^^
Between the snide comments about adoption and sheer ignorance about the absolute need for medical care, I haven't even been able to post thus far, this has all just been so irritating to follow.
You've probably summed up my thoughts for the past couple of days, though. Thanks a bunch!;D
I voted for abortion, btw. However it gets done, its women like her that are the reason we've fought so hard to preserve Roe v Wade for in the first place.
jaizaine
05-19-2008, 02:14 AM
Hey guys I dont think the OP is taking any of this advise or even checking the thread anymore.
BrunetteGoddess
05-19-2008, 07:09 AM
Probably not :-\ But there's always a chance she's lurking, so some feel they need to at least keep trying.
Corgan
05-19-2008, 07:11 AM
i personally think putting YOUR baby's life in the hands of strangers on the web is well, stupid.
do what makes YOU happy gypsy.
eta: ohhh i bet she's lurking.
Alia_of_the_Knife
05-19-2008, 08:14 AM
If the OP is lurking on the thread all I have to say is:
I didn't vote in the poll, a decision like that shouldn't be decided my an internet poll.
Could a 19-y-o have a baby and be a good mom? Yes, it is possible. But I don't believe you really know how much time, money, and stability it takes to do that. A good friend of mine, who is a great father of 2 children and a wonderful person in general told me that after you have a kid your life is "pretty much over" and this new little person has to come first. Your feelings and dreams don't mean squat when you have to parent a child.
Most of the younger moms that I have known have had to rely on government or familial support and are not able to do it on their own. These women are not stupid or lazy its just that it takes so much to raise a kid. I am sure that you think that you are "different from them". Men are notoriously flaky and just because they say that they "want" a baby doesn't mean that they will support the kid financially and emotionally as the baby should be. The vast majority of the younger moms I know thought that they were "in love" with their boyfriends but being "in love" with a flaky guy doesn't equate to a child being supported. A lot of men are shocked to find that babies cry, poop, pee, and cost lots of money. Babies almost never keep people together and generally causes more tension. Women are almost always burden with the domestic tasks of raising a child.
I can't tell you what to do but I will say if I were in your shoes (I am 22) I would get an abortion. Medical sounds like the best option and the sooner an abortion is done the better it is for you physically and mentally. I am not saying that you would necessarily be a bad mom right now, but think about how much of a better mom you would be in the future.
Luxurious1
05-19-2008, 08:22 AM
^ well said!
MixedBabe88
05-19-2008, 09:41 AM
A lot of people are assuming her healthy white baby won't wanna be swooped up by every Christian family in America.
She's not giving birth to a deformed mixed baby here (which, while racist, we know how that goes - can't sugarcoat it).
The chances of her baby not only going to a good home but her being able to PICK the home from a whole lineup of eager families is pretty good.
Wow, deformed mixed baby? I was snatched up by a fantastic white family and I'm half black (and my parents were not the only ones who turned towards adopting mixed kids). When I was born 20 years ago, that thinking was rampant however.
In this day and age it's much less of an issue as there are many more bi-racial people/interracial couples/openminded couples.
Hell, I rarely see white couples adopting anything BUT non-white babies.
Sorry, but I kind of take offense to that statement.
Corgan
05-19-2008, 10:16 AM
my parents knew that when i was going to be born that there was a possibility i could have been mixed, but you know what? they didn't give a fuck just as long as i was healthy. people that want a baby that badly don't care about skin color. no one should, really. but you get my drift.
Aubreyyy
05-19-2008, 01:04 PM
Wow, deformed mixed baby? I was snatched up by a fantastic white family and I'm half black (and my parents were not the only ones who turned towards adopting mixed kids). When I was born 20 years ago, that thinking was rampant however.
In this day and age it's much less of an issue as there are many more bi-racial people/interracial couples/openminded couples.
Hell, I rarely see white couples adopting anything BUT non-white babies.
Sorry, but I kind of take offense to that statement.
Don't, she didn't mean it like that. It was more of a sarcastic dig on racism.