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Flick6
06-15-2008, 09:11 PM
Just wanted to send you big hugs, and I know it sounds crap but it will feel better than this eventually.

If it makes you feel better, I miscarried at about 12 weeks and there was no way I could have recognised a baby in what I passed. And after my abortion I too wished I could have something to take home and bury. But you cant, but what you can do is have a ritual and bury something symbolic, make sure you mourn the loss of the baby and everything else you have lost through this experience.


You will be ok.

CKXXX
06-15-2008, 09:12 PM
well...you never have to talk to him again. Relish that at least..

winterrose
06-15-2008, 09:12 PM
you have my prayers. by this time tomorrow night it will all be over with. He won't have any more ties to you, no more ways to control you. You will be home safe in bed. Surrounded by you parents. SAFE.

you made the right choice for you.

never doubt that it is.

"a journey of a thousand miles starts with the first step."

RoseLeigh
06-15-2008, 09:13 PM
I know it's awful, but it sounds like you've reached a good point. It's hard to make that break with an abuser. Sometimes you have to hang on to that 'fuck him' attitude for a bit. It will take a bit, but soon you'll realize how far you've come.

You can post him up on womansavers.com or dontdatehimgirl.com if you want. I've been considering putting several of my exes on them as well. Just to keep people away.

Shanti
06-16-2008, 07:14 AM
i didn't do it. we went to the clinic, but i wasn't aware that they didn't do general until they were trying to get me to sign a paper saying i consent to iv sedation. the website says sthey do general, but they dont. i'm 9weeks 3 days right now apparently. the closest place that does general anesthesia is an hour away and doesn't have an appt til next thursday, when i'll be almost 11 weeks and definitely wont be able to do it then.

theres a place in miami called a choice for women that i'm looking into too, and htey do private appointments so you dont have ot wait and get your name called like an assembly line.

im so fuckign sad. i just wantt o die.

oh yeah and the place was really hellish and sterile and plain, not feminist or woman friendly at all and the staff treated everyone like cattle going htrough an assembly line.

cutey5032
06-16-2008, 07:23 AM
no im not having moral issues. im getting it done. it just sucks. everything sucks. i just got off the phone with my ex and he says he won't say anything positive to me about it unless i tell him i believe in him and that he can turn his life around.. he's a little codependent. I told him that everything right now is about me and he can go fuck himself. everything is about me right now because i took 10 months of his shit, probably spent 10,000 supporting his ass, took his physical and emotional abuse, and am now having to go through physical and emotional torture because of him being selfish and idiotic. oh and he said it was his fault for convincing me to keep it because now i can't get the simple early medical abortion and i have to do surgical. I wish i would have just gotten this freaking leech out of me when i was 4 weeks along, when i found out. but no..... i had to be a weak stupid girl and listen to a fucking codependent psychopath. fuck him. god. i hate him so much right now for doing this to me. i want to post a freaking worldwide alert so the next girl doesn't get sucked in and stuck with him. seriously, he should be on a list or something- like child molesters are. abusive boyfriends should be on a list. they never change. he says that after two freaking days of not being with me he's started to get better and turn around. lol. yeah right.

YES. This post is music to my ears hon. Be proud of yourself for no longer being a "weak stupid girl", and NOT putting up with this douschebag's shit. Sounds like an empowered WOMAN to me :)

madmaxine
06-16-2008, 07:29 AM
Please be safe and careful. If he's been this violent already and he's that opposed to the abortion, he could be pissed enough to hunt you down and hurt you, maybe even kill you. If there's a place you could go that he doesn't know about, then go there.

Worth considering. I would skip any public events he might be attending in the near future.....Given his lack of personal momentum/ desire to work, he might view assaulting you again as a ticket to "three hots and a cot" (a jail stay.) YES desperate people think that way.

I'm sorry this happened and I hope you'll recover quickly. Good luck.

Edit to add- you can still get an abortion- certain states abort up to 6 months along. Given that the sperm donor in question sounds mentally ill, your abortion can be categorized as a risk to the life of the mother (bearing this child is too much for you to handle.)

holiday
06-16-2008, 10:07 AM
i didn't do it. we went to the clinic, but i wasn't aware that they didn't do general until they were trying to get me to sign a paper saying i consent to iv sedation. the website says sthey do general, but they dont. i'm 9weeks 3 days right now apparently. the closest place that does general anesthesia is an hour away and doesn't have an appt til next thursday, when i'll be almost 11 weeks and definitely wont be able to do it then.

theres a place in miami called a choice for women that i'm looking into too, and htey do private appointments so you dont have ot wait and get your name called like an assembly line.

im so fuckign sad. i just wantt o die.

oh yeah and the place was really hellish and sterile and plain, not feminist or woman friendly at all and the staff treated everyone like cattle going htrough an assembly line.

Oh lord. I'm trying to bite my tongue - but girl, you've got to step it up. You bailed? You're going to have this baby because you can't handle an IV and the staff wasn't friendly? You need to get in control of your own life. Sorry I'm bitchy, but when it comes to children, I really can't help myself.

RoseLeigh
06-16-2008, 10:13 AM
Oh lord. I'm trying to bite my tongue - but girl, you've got to step it up. You bailed? You're going to have this baby because you can't handle an IV and the staff wasn't friendly? You need to get in control of your own life. Sorry I'm bitchy, but when it comes to children, I really can't help myself.

I really didn't want to post either, but really. You knew it was going to be an IV-we told you that sedation was by IV. And hospital staff are not friendly in the waiting room. Anywhere. It's not going to be a feminist collective. It's a medical facility.

Just please reschedule. Stop freaking yourself out by watching horror vids and just go in there and do it, or your options WILL be more limited. Please stop the self sabotage.

i.breathe.in
06-16-2008, 10:33 AM
I really didn't want to post either, but really. You knew it was going to be an IV-we told you that sedation was by IV. And hospital staff are not friendly in the waiting room. Anywhere. It's not going to be a feminist collective. It's a medical facility.

Just please reschedule. Stop freaking yourself out by watching horror vids and just go in there and do it, or your options WILL be more limited. Please stop the self sabotage.

you think an iv is bad? imagine giving birth! you are a strong woman and can handle anything, if the iv scares you that much tell them you are afraid of needles they should give you valium or something beforehand.

jasmine
06-16-2008, 10:37 AM
Even if they have general anesthesia they use an IV first. I've been under general 6 times in my life and every time there was an IV used first.

What do you think is going to happen when you go into labor? Either you will not be drugged and will feel your girly bits rip or there will be an IV. Trust me, an IV is definitely the least painful choice, by a mile.

holiday
06-16-2008, 10:44 AM
I gave birth naturally and I went to a little women-friendly, hippy birth center and had lovely, lovely midwives for all of my prenatal care, but guess what? They drew blood ALL the freaking time! It's part of your prenatal care. I probably had blood drawn a dozen times. They are always checking protein levels and monitoring for anemia. I know you are very young, but I just am amazed be the naivety.

lovelife
06-16-2008, 11:26 AM
I'm so sorry u didn't go thru with it..I have been reading your posts on here for awhile now...and I have to say that I'm so sad to hear all of this bad stuff that is going on with u...I also read your blog when u write and I just want to say..u seem like an amazing woman/person..and u are a really great writer..I love to read your writing becuz it's really inspiring and just beautiful..if u were ever to write a book i would def. buy it..so it is sad to hear all of these troubles u are having..becuz I think u have great potential and beautiful dreams that u need to attain..so I hope u can push thru your fear of needles to get this part of your life over with so that u can move on to the rest of your life...I have never had an abortion but I have gone under to get my wisdom teeth out..and I was soooo scared becuz I have this phobia of going under but still being able to feel everything like in that movie Awake..I forget what that is called when it happens..but it really wasn't that bad..and I'm not a fan of needles either so I just close my eyes and look away..but for me it really was just like going to sleep and then waking up like 1 min. later..it's not so bad really...and just think that if u let your fear of needles stay in your way..then u will have a connection to this horrible man for the rest of your life...also even tho I don't have children I can say that child birth is def. worse than a needle!

Good luck and I hope u push past your fear so that u can go for your dreams....:)

virgoamm
06-16-2008, 11:28 AM
Babe, you need to get this done ASAP before it's too late. Having a child will forever tie you to your ex. Do you really want that? Not only did he abuse you, but more than likely he will abuse your child as well. Is that something you want for your kid? To have a father like that? And to know that you will never be able and sever all ties with this mooching psychopath? I'm sure this isn't what you want for yourself. You're so young and have your entire life in front of you to have fun, travel the world and see and experience as much as you can before you're tied down being a single Mom.

I honestly believe that before you have children you should try and live your life to its fullest and settle down only when you feel that you have done most all the things you want to accomplish and are 100% ready to turn your life over to someone else. It won't be all about you anymore, it will be about your baby. That's a huge sacrifice to make, which is why I feel you need to be a bit older and mature, have gained lots of life experience, be financially stable and be with someone who is in the same place as you.

Yekhefah
06-16-2008, 11:43 AM
Oh my G-d. Seriously? :banghead:

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not become a mother. Please.

Susan Wayward
06-16-2008, 11:59 AM
Gypsy, I have faith that you'll find the strength to get through this. You have support there with you and I believe you'll move forward with your life. I know you'll be able to get through momentarily pain, hurt, and discomfort to do whatever it is you need to do.

Shanti
06-16-2008, 12:25 PM
holiday-- I know that blood work is a part of prenatal care- I'm not naive about that, why would you assume that just because I prefer midwives/natural route I would think that bloodwork wouldn't be required? I know that, I've done tons of research, and I am certainly not naive.

I never said I wasn't going to do it- i said in my post I was going to reschedule somewhere else that had general. I'm not against an IV if it means I'll be knocked out in 2 seconds flat- I just can't deal with being sedated in a weird state and knowing there's a needle in my arm. The nurses suggested I don't get it by twilight sedation anyways, because there's no pain medicine they offer- just the sedation and if you move just once the doctor won't do the procedure. It's not like I went in and just decided that since I couldn't get general and had to get needles I wasn't going to do it at all- the nurses suggested I go to a different place and recommended it to me.

- oh yeah and I'm getting an IUD and never having sex again, so you all should be happy about that- especially yekhefah because it seems like you think it would be a horrible atrocity and the end of the world for me to be a mother, well... I hope if you ever get in a bad situation like this people don't make you feel this way.

RoseLeigh
06-16-2008, 12:52 PM
I think Yek was a little hard on you, hon, but we do want to best for you. I had the needle in for just a couple secs, asked the nurses what that metallic taste in my mouth was (side effect I guess) then I was out. 1/2 minute, tops. I suppose I'm confused as to why you wouldn't be out sooner-wth is twilight?

I just think you're psyching yourself out at this point. *hug* Reschedule, you'll be fine.

Shanti
06-16-2008, 01:01 PM
we're driving four hours to miami tomorrow to get it done at a place that has general. it's the only place in the state that offers general anesthesia that has an appointment this week.

i can't do twilight. it's just like heavy sedation. you're semi conscious and can feel everything, the nurses say you dont remember it but i dont believe them.

this is where i'm going- www.achoiceforwomen.com. it is the ONLY place with general anesthesia in the whole state that has an open appt. i would thinkk more ppeople would wan tto be completely knocked out for it.

i.breathe.in
06-16-2008, 01:04 PM
we're driving four hours to miami tomorrow to get it done at a place that has general. it's the only place in the state that offers general anesthesia that has an appointment this week.

i can't do twilight. it's just like heavy sedation. you're semi conscious and can feel everything, the nurses say you dont remember it but i dont believe them.

this is where i'm going- www.achoiceforwomen.com. it is the ONLY place with general anesthesia in the whole state that has an open appt. i would thinkk more ppeople would wan tto be completely knocked out for it.

have you had your wisdom teeth out? thats twighlight, you really dont remember.

Shanti
06-16-2008, 01:17 PM
no... luckily i dont need them out right now, there's enough room, but in a couple years i'm supposed to go back in and get another x-ray to see if i need them out. i'd probably want to be completely knocked out for that too

i.breathe.in
06-16-2008, 01:19 PM
this may be a moot point, but i think you should conqor your fear of needles head on, your doing so many other things right now that are courageous why not one more.

Shanti
06-16-2008, 01:30 PM
i'm not scared OF needles, i'm scared of fainting. Lots of things make me faint and I try to avoid them too-- I've had problems with fainting since I was 6 years old, I just have a really sensitive nervous system. I have tried a lot of things to not faint when I have to get needles- but none of my efforts have worked, and i always end up fainting, feeling horrible, waking up crying and being traumatized and neurotic it's going to happen again (when i'm driving, in public, w/e). I've tried meditation, eating something before getting bloodwork, thinking positive, pretending it's noth appening and looking the other way-- nothing works and I hate it. I went in once with an absolute rock hard resolve to just stick my arm out and get through it, my goal was just just smile and talk to the nurse like nothing was wrong- I tried it- and I hit the floor face first. I try getting it done laying down, and i still pass out. I just HATE fainting-- I dont even care about the needles- I have a tattoo-- that's proof that I'm not scared of the NEEDLES- I'm scared of the effect they have on my nervous system when they puncture the skin that deep and take out blood causing me to faint.

I just hate fainting. I've been dealing with it frequently for 14 years and it's still the scariest thing in the world to me.

TheTempest
06-16-2008, 01:50 PM
we're driving four hours to miami tomorrow to get it done at a place that has general. it's the only place in the state that offers general anesthesia that has an appointment this week.

i can't do twilight. it's just like heavy sedation. you're semi conscious and can feel everything, the nurses say you dont remember it but i dont believe them.

this is where i'm going- www.achoiceforwomen.com (http://www.achoiceforwomen.com). it is the ONLY place with general anesthesia in the whole state that has an open appt. i would thinkk more ppeople would wan tto be completely knocked out for it.

Actually, I don't blame you for not wanting to do it under sedation. I'd be terrified that I'd feel something, even though I know I probably wouldn't.

But I say that because I am very very proud of you taking the initiative and getting it done tomorrow. I'm sorry you have to stress for another day but you gotta get general anesthesia. Just don't eat after midnight tonight and let us know when everything is taken care of.

People want you to do what you know is best for you, I'm sorry if they're being a little harsh. We worry (weird as that sounds from internet people!)

CKXXX
06-16-2008, 01:50 PM
Honey..Yek never said it would be the end of the world for you to EVER be a mother...just that you arent ready for it RIGHT NOW. Which you know is true..thats why you are making the choice you are making. Thankfully you have the option of making that choice.

I've been there. It was the right choice for me then too. Not an easy one by ANY means...but you do whats right for you.

Dont assume people think the worst of you because they think this is best for you NOW. And lashing back isnt the way to deal either.

Good luck. Hope this place does everything you need.

StarryEyes
06-16-2008, 02:14 PM
:hug: Do what you gotta do and do what you feel is best. And don't look back. I know this is a shitty situation with no easy way out. I feel that in a way all this is making you a stronger person in the end.

anomar
06-16-2008, 02:52 PM
I'm so, so happy to hear from you.

PLEASE don't go to the Rainbow Gathering. I understand what it represents for you, but also realize that it not on the only such gathering. Every year, every summer, SO MANY people come together to celebrate certain things like this.

This is not the only one in the country and not the only one in the world.

Don't forget how many beautiful people travel the country every summer, going from gathering to gathering. If you miss this one then it's just a drop in the bucket of these kinds of interactions for you.

If he goes to the Rainbow Gathering, he *will* walk through 20,000 people to find you and to hurt you. At this point in time this is the only thing that is sustaining him . It's the flip side of the 'love' that kept him attached to you like a parasite for so, so long. And that determination is just as strong.

The world is filled with kind souls and with your healthy body you will have the strength for more and more of those opportunities in your life.

Good luck.

TigersMilk
06-16-2008, 02:57 PM
At least you got out of the relationship before he caused permanent physical harm to you. Good for you for picking up your stuff and going. It was the right thing.

I hope everything goes safely for you at your appointment.

Yekhefah
06-16-2008, 04:21 PM
Honey..Yek never said it would be the end of the world for you to EVER be a mother...just that you arent ready for it RIGHT NOW. Which you know is true..thats why you are making the choice you are making. Thankfully you have the option of making that choice.

Exactly. I'm not being mean, it's just that you are so clearly NOT ready and you won't consider adoption, and it would be a tragedy for you to embark upon something as serious as motherhood when you're so ill-equipped. Later on when you're more mature and you've lived your life and you're ready to put your child first, then it won't be a tragedy anymore. I'm sorry if that makes you feel bad but it's reality. I do wish you the best.

Alia_of_the_Knife
06-16-2008, 05:01 PM
:hug: I hope everything is working out for you. You have to get yourself out of the situation. You won't get saggy from 8 lbs and a change of cupsize at 19 years of age. You would have to face many many more needles if you were to go through with your pregnancy than just the one time for an abortion. Whenever you have any procedure done at a hospital, even a quick outpatient procedure, you will ALWAYS get an IV. It's only for a second, and you don't have a needle stuck in your arm the entire time, you have a plastic catheter that you can't feel. They can even put some numbing cream on your arm so it is more comfortable.

Flick6
06-16-2008, 05:13 PM
I would freak the fuck out having this twighlight procedure too. I dont even think it is available in Australia. I dont really think that makes you a weak person. I consider myself very brave and that is just kind of scary.

I am glad you have found somewhere to get it done in a way you are comfortable with, and it sounds like your family is being really supportive so that is great.

Shanti
06-16-2008, 06:16 PM
im so freaking nervous i feel sick. i'm most nervous about getting the IV and the minutes before the surgery. i've read prettymuch every story on imnotsorry.net but that justmakes me more anxious. I want them to sedate me with gas before they put the IV in, and maybe they can take blood when im knocked out too-- the place sounds pretty accomodating and it's not one of those assembly line abortion clinics... so i'm really hoping they can do that.

TheTempest
06-16-2008, 06:41 PM
They might gas you to put the IV in if it's available (might add to the bill as well) but probably not before drawing blood because they need an accurate blood panel. :(

Deeeeep breaths, sweetie.

ColetteCalahan
06-16-2008, 08:53 PM
DAAAAMMN i can't believe i just saw this.... gypsy- first of all- congrats for getting out!!!!

Like you, I have a MAJOR (tattoos aside) fear of needles... IV's, blood, anything... shit, I cried for half an hour the last time I needed blood drawn.

A year ago I had to go under general THREE TIMES in one month for extensive oral surgery... and of course, I couldn't deal w/ the IV. The anesthesiologist's answer was a gas mask... like a children's gas mask where you just breathe it in and conk out. Then the put the needle in while you're totally out. I never knew/remembered/felt a damn thing. And by the third time I was actually looking forward to it... kinda fun!

PLEASE ask for gas!!! You won't regret it.... and yeah- right now you need to focus on your priorities (like- simply ending this, sorry...) and not the atmosphere of the clinic... and if it adds a bit to the bill, I think it'd be worth it. As long as you can go through w/ it and are safe from PsychoFuck, all is well. Good luck sweetie!

AlexxaHex
06-17-2008, 11:51 AM
I'm also really depressed because I've gained 8 pounds....probably due to increased blood volume, water retention, and my huge boobs. I had small B's, and now they are huge C's... I'm scared they're going to be all saggy after now... because i read somewhere that after an abortion if you're far enough along your milk comes in and makes them engorged, and then after that... they'll just go saggy. is this true? It's kind of nice having big boobs for the first time in my life, but I also hate them because they hurt and it means i'm pregnant.

I really want to go to the gathering, and I think it will be safe, because it's a huge gathering - 20,000 people at the peak- and there are elders all around- all you have to do is yell "shanti sena" if you're in trouble and some older buff guy will come running to your rescue. I'm going to be camping with a bunch of my girlfriends too, not by myself or anything. I'll bring my mace, but i really have been looking forward to going for almost 2 years now.

I didn't read this whole thread so I may be repeating something. The part about the boobs is not true. Your milk doesn't come in until about 3 DAYS postpartum. There may be a bit of sagging (probably not likely with such a small size change) but I think your safety is what you should be most concerned about.
I'm very glad you are finally taking this seriously and making the adult choice here. You know you are doing the right thing, because your ex would have definitely been abusive to the child too. You may be a good mother someday, but doing that would consist of making sure the father is a stable provider, and someone who isn't abusive. It also seems like you have a bit of living to do also.
I highly suggest some kind of therapy to help you deal with this loss, and to possibly delve into reasons why you are choosing to surround yourself with such people. It would do so much for your future happiness.

DO NOT go to this Rainbow thing. Please. He will find you. You're not safe anywhere near this psycho.

Shanti
06-17-2008, 05:47 PM
i did it.

details late rmaybe.

Samba
06-17-2008, 05:52 PM
oh honey, I hope you're doing okay. get some rest and take care of yourself.:hug:

noelle
06-17-2008, 06:33 PM
Hi Gypsy, my thoughts are with you. Take some time for yourself and know we're here for you.

TheTempest
06-17-2008, 06:43 PM
Take care and rest yourself. :hug:

TigersMilk
06-17-2008, 07:28 PM
Take good care of yourself all around.

ETA: Read the blog. Thanks for sharing your story. Sounds like they took good care of you. I'm surprised about how quick the procedure was.

Shanti
06-17-2008, 07:49 PM
edit:: here's a link to my blog where i wrote about my experience- i didn't want to put it on here in case someone puts in a phrase and it links to sw

CKXXX
06-17-2008, 07:59 PM
I'm glad it was as stressless an experience as it could be for you. I had no anesthesia and almost bled to death. But this was almost 20 years ago. As much as the experience and choice still sucks and is prob one of the most stressful things you can do..it's actually nice to see that its gotten so much safer and better for the women involved.

Glad its over for you. Rest as much as you can and let yourself heal.

Alia_of_the_Knife
06-17-2008, 08:08 PM
It's great to hear everything went ok! I'm so glad that your mom was there for you. Good luck. :hug:

Stiletto135
06-17-2008, 08:11 PM
I didn't read this whole thread, just the first post. Wanted to say thank you for the update! I was thinking of you. I think you made a good decision.

BTW, this is odd, but what's up with the rainbow gathering boys being psychos with anger problems? One of my good friends -- another dancer -- married one of those types and he turned out to be abusive too. :(

red red red
06-17-2008, 08:56 PM
I am so, so, so glad to hear that it wasn't as bad as you were anticipating.

You are the most important person in your life and I hope you feel like you've done right by yourself. It sounds like you did.

Hugs. Speedy recovery. Stay far, far away from this creep.

BalletBaby
06-17-2008, 09:01 PM
:hug::hug::hug: It broke my heart to read the first post in this thread. Congrats on getting out sweetie. Take care of yourself.

winterrose
06-17-2008, 09:11 PM
rest and get to feeling better.

you made the right choice.

virgoamm
06-17-2008, 10:01 PM
I'm glad you had a good experience. Be sure and get plenty of rest and you'll be back to normal in no time. :hug:

jaizaine
06-17-2008, 11:33 PM
Gypsy I have been thinking about you. Take care of yourself sweetie. We are here for you if u need to vent your feelings xoxo

Miss_McKenna
06-17-2008, 11:34 PM
It sounds like you made the right choice and I'm so glad everything is working out for you now hunni *hug* Take some time to just focus on you and make sure you're ok :) I'll be thinking of you!