View Full Version : i fucking hate fathers day.
RoseLeigh
06-16-2008, 09:57 AM
^^ I agree. Closure is not something you can always get from another person. I've been going through this with my therapist and she tells me it's far more productive to sort out how I handle a situation than how someone else did. Especially someone somewhat crazy. And I really think it's true. If I asked why, I would hear about how I was wrong, evil, a bitch, etc-not helpful. If you look at it from a different POV though, you can see that most parental stuff has nothing to do with you at all.
Alia_of_the_Knife
06-16-2008, 04:41 PM
:hugs: My dad, even though he was mostly physically present in my life, was not there spiritually, emotionally, financially or mentally. He was verbally and physically abusive. He was also neglectful. He had the audacity to call me today to say that he is having chest pains and is in the hospital. I didn't call him back and I sure as hell am not going to visit him. Why? 1.) He is a hypochondriac and a cry baby so it's probably nothing serious. 2.) When I have gone through REAL, serious, life threatening health issues as a kid he never gave a damn. So fuck him.
I have gotten more support from friends and other members of the family than I ever did from him. He can't get along with anyone and the only person who has ever liked him and that he has liked was his mother. He has the worst Madonna/Whore complex known to mankind.
I know you are upset that your dad was not there in your life and that is understandable. I agree that it is his loss that he never got to see what a great person you are. He sounds like he was a douche so it was probably a good thing that he wasn't around you growing up. Sometimes I wish my dad hadn't have been there or had died when I was very young so I wouldn't have gone through his bullshit. If he had died when I was young at least I could have idolized him in my mind and loved him. It's impossible for me to loose contact with my dad due to extended family members that I care about so I will probably have to deal with his shit for decades to come.
^^ I agree. Closure is not something you can always get from another person. I've been going through this with my therapist and she tells me it's far more productive to sort out how I handle a situation than how someone else did. Especially someone somewhat crazy. And I really think it's true. If I asked why, I would hear about how I was wrong, evil, a bitch, etc-not helpful. If you look at it from a different POV though, you can see that most parental stuff has nothing to do with you at all.
This is very true as well. This is what I try to tell myself when dealing with my dad. I always tried to please him and be a perfect child for him but I always ended up pissing him off for some reason. I had to learn that it's not me, it's him.
Jay Zeno
06-16-2008, 09:13 PM
im terrified to have a kid even though i want one becuase i might be as big of an asshole as my dad/stepdad was to me.I know you feel I'm too privileged because of a "healthy family life," but my mom was seriously wack and my lady's father disappeared when she was coming up to teens, to be replaced by an indifferent stepdad.
No, we don't have it nearly as bad as some, but the point being that we are who we've made ourselves to be. I don't wish revenge on my parents. They're both dead now. But a big affirmation to me is hearing from my kids, "Wow, you are nothing like your mom and dad."
It can be done just fine. It's up to the person to shed that emotional baggage that was given to them by someone who shouldn't even matter anymore. But whatever path you choose, good luck.
StarryEyes
06-16-2008, 09:34 PM
Wow. I feel like I have found a lot of people who have been where I've been. Knowing that support is out there is a huge comfort to me.
IBI-all I've had to do is look at my parents and do exactly the opposite with my kid.
*My mom and dad were drug/alcohol addicts? OK, then I quit all my drugs/boozing/vices, right down to cigarettes.
*My mom and dad screamed and yelled and were physically abusive with me? OK, I'll calmly discipline my son with time-outs and rewards, and my child listens to me and I have no need to be all control freakish and yell and scream and shit. I will teach my child owo to make a good choice and how their actions have consequences, good or bad.
*My father raped me? OK, I will respect my kid and tell them that their private areas are theirs and if ANYONE touches them in a way that makes them feel uncomfortable then please tell me, I promise to believe them, and I will do everything in my power to teach the motherfucker pervert a lesson in love and respect in such a way that will screw them over for life.
* Is there a problem with my child? I won't look the other way and "pretend it is not happening" like my weakling of a mother did. I will face the situation and deal with it head-on and I will do anything in my power to make sure I get my child the help he/she needs.
*I will be supportive in my child's dreams and goals. I will not call them names that could lead to eating disorders and self-esteem issues.
God I could go on...and on...
Rhi and TOO are totally right. Your number one goal as a parent is to make sure your kid had it way better than you did. Break the cycle. The best way to go on or get "revenge" is to put all the BS behind you, know that you can't control their behavior, but you can control YOURS, and make good choices for yourself, be happy, be healthy, and be successful in spite of everything. WITHOUT THEM.
VenusGoddess
06-17-2008, 07:17 AM
I know you feel I'm too privileged because of a "healthy family life," but my mom was seriously wack and my lady's father disappeared when she was coming up to teens, to be replaced by an indifferent stepdad.
No, we don't have it nearly as bad as some, but the point being that we are who we've made ourselves to be. I don't wish revenge on my parents. They're both dead now. But a big affirmation to me is hearing from my kids, "Wow, you are nothing like your mom and dad."
It can be done just fine. It's up to the person to shed that emotional baggage that was given to them by someone who shouldn't even matter anymore. But whatever path you choose, good luck.
Just like everything else in life...parenting is a conscious choice. You can either pretend that all is ok and be just like your parents, or you can make the choice to be "better" than that.
I find that I don't always make the best choices as a parent. I'm human. But, the difference between me and my parents is that I don't pretend my bad choices weren't bad. I actually will apologize to my kid(s) for making a bad choice. I don't want them to think that it is ok to be short-tempered for no reason (that they know of). I want them to know that even "authority figures" make mistakes. Then I do what I need to do to make sure I don't make that same mistake again.
The best parents are not the ones who never make a mistake, never lose their tempers, or never do anything wrong. The best parents are the ones who can see when they do the above-mentioned and admit that they were wrong and work to not make that same mistake again.
It's all conscious choice. Really.
Sinder
06-17-2008, 07:25 AM
im terrified to have a kid even though i want one becuase i might be as big of an asshole as my dad/stepdad was to me.
I once had the same thoughts as you. Now that my son is due soon, I have vowed to be the most loving and supportive mom ever. To be everything to my son that I never had from my own parents. Just to give unconditional love and hope that I can raise a happy, caring, tolerant child.
My mother turned into and evil self-absorbed-the world owes me-gold digging super cunt when I was 15. As soon as she divorced my sisters dad she turned as soon as she found a "rich man"......but this is about dads....and my real dad to this day is still a crack head drug dealer. He has had no influence on my life. He actually tried to sell me as an infant! Yes he did do jail time for that.
My Grandpa stepped in years ago to be my role model and hero. It is him and my grandma who shaped and influenced me. Without them who knows where I'd be.
desavirsire
06-17-2008, 07:32 AM
I hate today too. I went to the mall yesterday and the guy at the Godiva counter asked me if I was all ready for Father's Day. Dude, just give me the chocolate and no one gets hurt.
YES!!! I just want to scream at those people like everyone does NOT have a father. I had a good relationship with mine but he died when I was younger. Luckily I have a few good friends that were more than happy to distract me on fathers day and I was able to not turn into a crying ball of depression.