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Lady Xplicit18
07-08-2008, 06:15 PM
Nothing. It's keeping it there that's the hard part.

It's been there.
It's not like I could take back a police report.
I'm serious this time.

?
& Why are you doubting me so much?
Your negativity disgusts me.

Andygirl
07-08-2008, 06:53 PM
Nothing. It's keeping it there that's the hard part.

Wow. I find it really sad that you'd be this rude to someone who is trying to do the right thing, especially considering your own history.

NinaDaisy
07-08-2008, 09:51 PM
Wow. I find it really sad that you'd be this rude to someone who is trying to do the right thing, especially considering your own history.

In all honesty, I'm not trying to be rude, even though it might come off like that.

I just saw so many posts where the OP blamed herself and made excuses for his abuse even after so many people showed concern and gave good, solid advice. I just shook my head as I read most of this thread.

Incidentally, my "history" has little to do with this. I posted already about what happened the one time a man tried to lay his hands on me. I walked out, and that was that. In terms of anything else, that can be more subjective, but I've never been with someone who has abused me physically or verbally.

I've dated my share of douches though, that's true. That's why I said the keeping your foot down part is hard, but it can be done.

CinammonGirl
07-08-2008, 09:54 PM
Actually, what I would say is, wait til he's not there, then leave. Have a male relative(s) go get your stuff for you.

And then call the cops and tell them he physically ripped you out of your car.

Unless he locks you in a closet and holds you with a gun to your head, you can leave.


1) What if you don't have any male relatives or male friends to help you? Some abusers are good at isolating their victims from others, not letting them use the phone, not letting them have a cell phone, monitoring their every move, etc to the point where the victim is too scared to do anything.


2) What if you're too traumatized to think straight? Maybe she was too scared to call the cops..A lot of people "freeze" in dangerous situations and are easily coerced. It's like someone is holding a gun to your head asking you for money, and you're more likely to just give him your wallet instead of saying "Hold on, let me call the cops."



I've had female clients call me at my job and say "I will come to the shelter when my husband isn't here." A few days later, you hear that their plot failed b/c their husband was smart enough to still get a hold of them.

NinaDaisy
07-08-2008, 10:04 PM
1) What if you don't have any male relatives or male friends to help you? Some abusers are good at isolating their victims from others, not letting them use the phone, not letting them have a cell phone, monitoring their every move, etc to the point where the victim is too scared to do anything.


2) What if you're too traumatized to think straight? Maybe she was too scared to call the cops..A lot of people "freeze" in dangerous situations and are easily coerced. It's like someone is holding a gun to your head asking you for money, and you're more likely to just give him your wallet instead of saying "Hold on, let me call the cops."



I've had female clients call me at my job and say "I will come to the shelter when my husband isn't here." A few days later, you hear that their plot failed b/c their husband was smart enough to still get a hold of them.

This is all true. For logistical reasons the actual act of leaving really isn't always that easy. Especially if you live with the person and moreso if you have kids.

But in the OP's case, it sounds like they're not living together. In fact, she was going to announce to him, in person, that she was leaving him.

The OP fortunately had a lot more options. Fortunately it seems like she took them and I do sincerely hope that she stays away from him and keeps herself safe.

Andygirl
07-08-2008, 10:06 PM
Incidentally, my "history" has little to do with this. I posted already about what happened the one time a man tried to lay his hands on me. I walked out, and that was that. In terms of anything else, that can be more subjective, but I've never been with someone who has abused me physically or verbally.

I'm certainly not going to talk about your private life, but I do think it is highly inappropriate for you to be attacking someone like this. If you can't offer empathy, then perhaps you shouldn't be posting in a thread like this.

Jenny
07-08-2008, 10:11 PM
Cameron, again...I AM being positive...but some people need to be told in plain talk. I never said she was stupid, or anything of the sort.
Hyde, this is years of shelter training talking here - that is not considered "supportive". The very first thing I was told as a teenager volunteering at a shelter is to never say "I would never have put up with that" or "why did you let him do that?" because those things are implicitly judgmental. Abused women do not need "tough love" and they do not need your brand of "pragmatism". It is equivalent to telling an addict "Why don't you just quit?" "Support" in this case means sympathy, not judgment and not telling her all the things she should have done and certainly not telling her that her efforts are worthless. And yes, in making snide comments like "did your bags unpack themselves? Did you car drive itself back home?" you are implying she is stupid, and that snideness is anything but positive and certainly not helpful. Women who suffer abuse have a lot of practical as well as psychological reasons for staying with abusers; this is not breaking news. This is well documented stuff.

UtahMike
07-08-2008, 10:13 PM
I just saw so many posts where the OP blamed herself and made excuses for his abuse even after so many people showed concern and gave good, solid advice. I just shook my head as I read most of this thread.

This is not the first time I have talked someone through this, although it is certainly the first time online and the first time I had others involved. The behavior you are describing is typical. Lady X has done the right thing. It was hard for her to make that decision. To do so is a serious life changing thing.

I know that you think you are just telling it like it is, but your comments are not being particularly helpful, IMHO. An abuse victim/survivor needs a lot of sensitive encouragement. It often takes months and many incidents of abuse to get a woman to take the steps that Lady X has done. In contrast to your opinion that she has been pussy footing around, she has actually been very decisive.

NinaDaisy
07-08-2008, 10:18 PM
This is not the first time I have talked someone through this, although it is certainly the first time online and the first time I had others involved. The behavior you are describing is typical. Lady X has done the right thing. It was hard for her to make that decision. To do so is a serious life changing thing.

I know that you think you are just telling it like it is, but your comments are not being particularly helpful, IMHO. An abuse victim/survivor needs a lot of sensitive encouragement. It often takes months and many incidents of abuse to get a woman to take the steps that Lady X has done. In contrast to your opinion that she has been pussy footing around, she has actually been very decisive.

I understand what you're saying. In fact, I likely would have given a lot of the same supportive advice that was given in the earlier part of the thread. It was the continued excuses that made my eyes pop out.

Again, I do think it's very good that she had the strength to walk away from a situation that would almost certainly have gotten far worse. But much has been said about abusers and how manipulative they can be, and I just hope the OP doesn't go back to him in a month after he finishes anger management and tries to sweet talk her about how he's changed.

I hope she takes better care of herself in the future and knows that abuse isn't just bruises.

jasmine
07-09-2008, 11:22 AM
This is not the first time I have talked someone through this, although it is certainly the first time online and the first time I had others involved. The behavior you are describing is typical. Lady X has done the right thing. It was hard for her to make that decision. To do so is a serious life changing thing.

I know that you think you are just telling it like it is, but your comments are not being particularly helpful, IMHO. An abuse victim/survivor needs a lot of sensitive encouragement. It often takes months and many incidents of abuse to get a woman to take the steps that Lady X has done. In contrast to your opinion that she has been pussy footing around, she has actually been very decisive.

I'm very glad the OP is getting out....But in defense of those who are skeptical, esp Nina. It's hard to watch women go through this shit and keep hanging around.

I'm not being a hippocrite, I've been in some tough situations, and I have to say imo decisive is taking immediate action.

I guess I'm an easy target at my size, because I've had a couple of occassions where guys I was just starting to date have done shit that seemed like it could lead to abuse....Game over... No 2nd chances. I also had a bf of over a year "playfully" hit me and knock me off a couch. Same thing... Buh-bye bastard.

Living with someone is a little trickier, but when my 1st live-in fiance punched a wall near my head I left that night and never returned. Ripped out my heart.... I just wish I could have ripped out his!

Many women have had to listen to friend after friend complain about abuse, but stay with the abuser and absolutely refuse help that is offered. It wears down your spirit and after a while you become jaded. I no longer give much advice on threads like these and no longer associate with people who remain in these situations because it really is soul-destroying to watch.

Mr Hyde
07-09-2008, 01:39 PM
He doesn't. He still just wants to have some control over you.

I've never been in an abusive realtionship either. Why? Because I haven't let it get to that point.

Years and years ago, I went on a few dates with a guy and things seemed to be going well. He then picked a fight over something stupid. I told him to calm down and he shoved me, hard, against a wall.

I grabbed my purse, walked out and never spoke to him again.

He left two messages apologizing.

Several others followed with him leaving messages calling me "a stupid, stuck up cunt". Then, finally, nothing.

I'm sure some other dumb bitch stuck around and found out to what extent he could have taken it. Better someone else than me.

I love reading these threads. They make me feel so much better about myself.

They all seem to follow the same formula, don't they? We give advice, the chick makes excuses (or tells us to fuck off and that we don't get it if we give constructive advice), and on and on it goes.

*sigh*

One more quick thing:

"Could HAVE" or "Could've". Not "Could of". Sorry, I'll put away the Grammar Police badge now.

This thread has been slightly jacked, but Nina Daisy "gets it."

And I realize that not all women get it...many were raised in an abusive atmosphere and abuse is maybe normal to them...but when someone says "my boyfriend pushes me and pulls my hair...but I love him and I think I made him do it" it makes the part of me that is rational want to yell out "THEN LEAVE HIM."

Men like the OP's boyfriend make men in general look bad, but women who put up with it exacerbate the problem. Women have so much more power than they think they do...I wish they'd fucking realize it.

CKXXX
07-09-2008, 01:53 PM
^^ I "get it". I've never been in a true abusive relationship,nor was I raised in one.But I can also empathize with those who are. I have known quite a few that got trapped. It isnt as easy as "the first time he lays hands on you leave"...it is a VERY slow build up before it ever gets physical in most cases. By the time it does...it is small things to begin with...he pushes you or throws something at you in the midst of an argument. By then you've had a good relationship with him,you dont think of it as abuse...you think of it as "he just lost his temper ONCE and he's apologized for it a million times"

All of a sudden,before you even realize it is happening he has complete control over you.....you have lost touch with all friends and family..anyone who could help you..and you are likely financially dependent on him as well. You feel completely and utterly trapped with no way out by the time it gets bad.

And by now...you are in love. Realizing what he is doing isnt right doesnt just shut those emotions off like a light switch. You think "he wasnt like this before...he;s just going through a hard time and he'll change back to the sweet loving man I knew"



Even though I've never been abused...I know what it is like to not EVER be able to get away. I went on a pity date with this guy in high school. Didnt know he was psychotic. He proceeded to stalk me(before stalker laws existed). Told me things like "I have a gun..if I cant have you nobody can". I went to the cops. They told me that unless he ACTUALLY does something to me..threats arent against the law.Beat the ever living shit out of a guy in the school cafeteria I was friends with because I was talking to him(and no we were NOT dating at the time..I went to Homecoming with him and to a movie because I felt sorry for him)
He was eventually kicked out of school and institutionalized.
I went away to college..he found me. I moved again...he found me. I spent 10 years running from this lunatic...since I got married,moved 1500 miles away and changed my name he hasnt/...knock on wood.
But if moving that far and changing your name,etc...isnt an option..BELIEVE me...if a guy is determined enough..he WILL find you.
I had to have the cops come by on a nightly basis to sweep the woods behind my house for awhile the last time he found me.

So saying "just get out" isnt that easy. If it were...no woman would ever be in an abusive relationship.

So I say it again...if you cant support(and no.."tough love" and BS like that is NOT support) then stay out of this thread. You are just making it worse.

Jenny
07-09-2008, 02:04 PM
This thread has been slightly jacked, but Nina Daisy "gets it."
Hyde - for the love of god, please don't declare who here "gets" woman abuse.


Men like the OP's boyfriend make men in general look bad, but women who put up with it exacerbate the problem. Women have so much more power than they think they do...I wish they'd fucking realize it.
The women "who put up with them" are the victims of the problem. Your attitude of "it's your own fault your being abused" exacerbates the problem. If you have real concern about this issue, Hyde, maybe taking some time to volunteer at a woman's shelter, going through the layperson's training might help you have a better understanding of how to help battered and abused women. I don't know to emphasize this anymore, but saying "Gawd, just pull up your bootstraps and stop being abused already" is not helpful. I know you want it to be. I know you want to be able to just lay out the issues as you see them, and have everyone come to the logical conclusion, which is, indeed, "Leave him." The problem is that when you are dealing with abuse victims you have to deal with the issues as they see them; that may include a bunch of issues including financial dependence, emotional dependence, low self-esteem and social isolation. You have to help them, or just be there for them while they deal with these issues - telling them that the issues don't exist or that they are stupid for having them just reinforces low self-worth and feelings of isolation. A lot of people just hate the idea of abuse so much that they can't really deal with the idea of victims. I understand that, I really do - I have the same experience in dealing with stories about dancers who are assaulted in the course of work; I just have a lot more practice relating to woman abuse.

keira0304
07-09-2008, 02:31 PM
actually.. the way little boys are raised exacerbates the problem.

StarryEyes
07-09-2008, 05:06 PM
^^ Yes.

You have to treat your children with love and respect and set firm boundaries and rules and adhere to them.

If you try to overpower them with yelling and spanking and hitting, etc. ..Guess what they are going to do when they grow up??

UtahMike
07-09-2008, 05:16 PM
Actually, the abuser and the victim are a symbiotic pair. That is why it is so hard to break the bond.

shaepony
07-09-2008, 11:44 PM
it is true about the cops!!! it happened to me, the neighbors called the cops on him for "trying to kill me " they said, though it wasn't that severe, but he did throw me on the ground and everything.... but when the cops came, he is very good at lying and i always tell the truth...stupid me. i had only one drink... hours ago... but they asked if i had anything to drink that say, i said yes and they took ME in for domestic violence and i had only slaped him in self defence when he came after me and tried to keep me from leaving. I'm nowhere close to my family. I moved with him and still don't know why i don't just get up and leave..... i know i have problems... my family is even wiling to take me back and care for me till i get back on my feet!!!!! it's like i still care for him and in the three years i've been with him he's only hurt me a few times... also he is my first only only boyfreind i've had.... i have severe self-esteem problems even though everyone says i'm beautiful... i just don't see it,..... i too know im just being fucking stupid for staying!!!!GOD DAMBED IT what's my problem... it would be so easy to leave....i guess i'm done rambling... it's just the fact i can't even turn to the police for protection or anything

hot4ablackchick
07-10-2008, 02:50 AM
I would like to applaud the OP for taking the step out, and realizing that you are better than him and getting away. I know how hard it is, so good job Ladyx, and please keep yourself safe.

I have to say that Alexxa and Jenny have excellent advice, and a deep undestanding of domestic violence. Great job ladies on the posts, it bought tears to my eyes.

It also bought tears to my eyes by the way people reacted. I know it is hard to understand for those who have never been in the situation. It is not easy. In some cases you fear for your life, not just being pushed/shoved or even beat up. Why don't you just leave? Because sometimes you think you will die if you do. Women have died for leaving abusers. I got to the point where I did not care if I died, I just couldn't take living with him anymore, so I left. It doesn't just start out "Gee he punched me in the face on our third date, but he seems kinda nice so I'll go out with him again." If this was the case, then we wouldn't have many women in these kind of abusive relationships. It is slow and gradual. I was told never let a man hit you. I was NEVER told leave if he can't control his anger such as breaking things, punching things etc, then leave him. I wasn't told about all the things to look for when you are dating a man. I was told a guy should treat you nice and not hit you. Pretty generic advice IMO. Sort of like telling our children not to talk to strangers and expecting them to be safe from predators. Most women do not know how to spot an abuser until they have been there, especially if this is their first relationship.

I was with my ex for seven years, and he did NOT ever hit, pull hair, or push me until the last two years. Absolutely no physical violence. Hell I even punched him in the face once and he did not hit me. He let me get nice and comfy, and slowly destroyed my self worth.

It started off with him giving me the silent treatment over really petty things and petty disagreements. Like hanging up the phone and refusing to talk to me. Then he then would blow up at me for little "infractions" and start yelling at me. If he disagreed with something I said he would almost always yell. It then slowly escalated to name calling when he got angry and snide comments. Then came the destruction, throwing things, punching things. Then came the hitting, pushing, etc. Then came the threats. Then he began to force me to have sex and commit sex acts when I didn't want to to make me feel like a "whore." He would cry, beg, promise, threaten to kill himself and all the other classic abuser things. I would have never thought he would hit me in the beginning or rape me or whatever. If someone would have told me that in our first five years he would have harmed me in any of these ways, I would have laughed and said no way. Then I thought he would never REALLY hurt me, until I needed stitches. I had him arrested a few times, he got right out as soon as bail was announced. I mean right out. I went to stay with my mother, who was totally unsupportive and got mad at ME when he called her house, so I always felt I had to answer my cell when he called to keep him from ringing my mother's phone all day. My mother also said some of the same things I am hearing here, and I can tell you that it feels terrible. This keeps happening because women are also so ashamed to come forward. Too embarassed to tell anyone, because everyone says you are a jackass, you let him beat you. I thought about going back because I had zero support when I left. I wonder if anyone else has heard of stokholm syndrome? Where the victim starts to sympathize with the abuser? It is not just a simple a-b-c process, once you are deep within the abusers grip, it is a total mind fuck. My ex is a complete idiot douche, but he can manipulate like none other.

madmaxine
07-10-2008, 03:10 AM
My ex is a complete idiot douche, but he can manipulate like none other.


I'd call that the first warning sign of an abusive, controlling personality. & I applaud you for getting away from him, given all the hardships of your situation.

Ths whole thread makes me sad- the reason for my hardline stance is seeng the complete and utter destruction of a few lives because of a domestic abuse murder. He didn't just kill her, he hurt everyone who loved her. It's hard to convey to people- you'd just have to see it for yourself....But I wouldn't wish that kind of thing on anyone.

NinaDaisy
07-10-2008, 03:32 PM
Ths whole thread makes me sad- the reason for my hardline stance is seeng the complete and utter destruction of a few lives because of a domestic abuse murder. He didn't just kill her, he hurt everyone who loved her. It's hard to convey to people- you'd just have to see it for yourself....But I wouldn't wish that kind of thing on anyone.

I agree, the ripple effects are just so devastating.

I posted earlier I know some women have a much harder time leaving because the abuser might threaten harm on her children or other family, or some other extreme case. But the OP seemed to have more options, and it's great that she took them.

One famous case is "Fight Club" author Chuck Pahlaniuk's (sp?) dad. He was dating a woman who had an abusive ex who was in prison. When he got out, he shot and killed the woman AND Pahlaniuk's dad. Beyond awful.

I hope the OP gets peace and never has to deal with that sack of shit bothering her again.

cassie23
07-25-2008, 02:30 AM
sorry i havent posted here much but my bf (trying to make him an ex but its hard) is in jail for a second time for abusing me and this time the cops kicked the shit out of him. The cops WILL believe you if you call on him my bf calls now from jail and says i gotta get him off this charge but this time im stickin to it and i hope he rots im calling to change my number tomorrow actually... im still struggling and this is the hardest thing ive ever had to but i have two kids and i have to think of them them first they need their mom and if he kills me what will happen to them.... just keep your head up and do whats right for you

holiday
07-25-2008, 08:41 AM
:'( Keep thinking of your babies, and stay away from him. Get that number changed! Do you have a place to move to?

LoveComesFromWithin
07-25-2008, 04:21 PM
Mr. Hyde- it's not self esteem related. It's like getting caught in the woods at night without a flashlight and finding someone else to hold on to until the sun comes up. It's co-dependency, you get emotionally attached to them and they get attached to you. It's also extremely manipulative, they convince you not to leave over and over. It's hard to find the resolve to leave, especially if the person is so controlling they block your contact with all outside sources that differ from what they want you to do. Unless a woman has been in an abusive relationship in the past, the first time something violent or controlling happens, they most likely won't just get up and leave over a guy calling you a name or yelling in your face or grabbing you by the wrist...

Wow, you couldnt have said it better.

UtahMike
07-25-2008, 09:00 PM
sorry i havent posted here much but my bf (trying to make him an ex but its hard) is in jail for a second time for abusing me and this time the cops kicked the shit out of him. The cops WILL believe you if you call on him my bf calls now from jail and says i gotta get him off this charge but this time im stickin to it and i hope he rots im calling to change my number tomorrow actually... im still struggling and this is the hardest thing ive ever had to but i have two kids and i have to think of them them first they need their mom and if he kills me what will happen to them.... just keep your head up and do whats right for you
You've done the right thing, but take it a step more. Since he is already in jail for abusing you, it shouldn't be any trouble to get a restraining order to keep him away from you once he gets out.

Congratulations on making the right move.

shaepony
07-25-2008, 09:58 PM
it sounds like exactly what i'm going through.. though we live together. all i know is that were i live is really bad...Utah... they don't care! most places wil take the girls side... though my boyfriend is an "excellent" lyier...anyone could believe him
!!!! that's how i get talked into staying... he always says..."i will never do that again"... bull shit!!!! i know it will happen,,, i just don't have the gut's to leave with nothing to gaine!!!!! if i really had the streangth to i would!!! you don't live with him yet! please don't get into the same situation as me!!!!! there are a million good guys out there that would love to be with you! and take care of you.... don't go with the abusive ones... it's not worth anything they have to offer!!!! i regret my desitions....every day.... i wished i had never met him....

UtahMike
07-25-2008, 10:18 PM
it sounds like exactly what i'm going through.. though we live together. all i know is that were i live is really bad...Utah... they don't care!
Whoops, Shaepony, come to Ogden, go to Your Community Connection at 2261 Adams Avenue. Their phone number is 801-392-7273. If you want driving directions, let me know and I will tell you how to get there. If you do not have a car, it is only about six blocks from the FrontRunner station.

If you are in Davis County or Salt Lake County, there are places there, too. Let me know and I will get you the info. PM me if you do not want to post that info on the public board.

YCC have a shelter, social workers, and many volunteers who will help you.

Don't think nobody will help you. YCC will help.

Luke34
07-25-2008, 10:50 PM
I will never understand what sort of hero hits a girl. I have only seen the damage on a few friends who have been through emotionally abusive relationships and that was bad enough.

I believe that your friends are people who help you fly. People who believe in you and respect you. You partner must be your best friend and neither physical nor emotional abuse will ever help u fly.

I hope you have some good friends around you.



Break his legs.

This will also solve the problem.

ReflectedVoid
08-01-2008, 06:53 PM
Shouldnt be too hard to get evidence with a phone, or webcam or something, just record an abusive conversation. Enough for a restraining order. You just need to put yourself first, there is more then enough support out there if you look. At the end of the day if you dont do anything, you make a choice to stay with him and accept it. I have female friends who spent years in such a relationship, its a total waste of time and it gets you use to unsatisfactory treatment with the excuses and apologies you make. I suggest theropy once you get out, not the kind with pills but the kind where you sit down and talk. Psychotheropy its called. I mean, your the one that made all those choices on a daily basis that lead you into this cycle, and your the only one that will/can get yourself out.

piepie
08-02-2008, 12:33 AM
Baby, i hurt for you( sorry if i didn't really read the whole thread but, to the op). i read your words and i have said them from my own mouth.

First you have to stop calling yourself stupid( :( :withstupi ),because you become what you say you are. I am sure that you are a very beautiful girl who has been kicked around. maybe a little ,maybe a lot.BUT, now you are grown and now you choose and you decide baby.And when you are done you walk away.

This will not happen until you begin to love yourself and value yourself second only to the most high. On earth you are the only one running your life.
That man will not change his behavior towards you until you change the way you feel about the way he treats you. If you are not stupid why would you put up with anything less than the best.


BUT, it starts with you. You have to change the way you feel about you. When you are head over heels in love with yourself and all your fabulousness, you than in turn treat others better. Then you start to see the way people treat you when you love yourself. YOU DO NOT TAKE SHIT!! From anyone.

The best thing to do IS walk away. Then give yourself the chance to grow and find out what you like. Let yourself wake up to your life. Grow, learn, plan ,dream and act on your desires. We do NOT need men for our happiness. When love is symbiotic and real it does NOT make you feel stupid the majority of the time. Empower yourself and work towards your greatest and wildest dreams.
I am sure that you have many blessings to offer the world. :) :soapbox: :)

piepie
08-02-2008, 12:47 AM
oops sorry::) guess that was kind of redundant. should read i guess. ya'll call that thread jacking i guess...sorry) I think it's good to thogh. i know it sure took me alotof times before i did it. walk i mean.

a beloved female friend of mine put it to me like that. " J, no matter what I love you and when you are done you will know. I support you whatever you choose." Then i really saw that it was my choice. Eventually I was thru. And it is fine. I mean really really fiiine.

And for some comic relief:


"What does a stripper do with her asshole before she goes to work?"

















"Drops him off at band practice";D