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kitana
09-22-2008, 04:05 PM
You are so young I can't expect you to have the empathy that comes with wisdom. You are also so fortunate that you have never been in this situation. So I should cut you some slack.

But as someone who was raised by a smart, strong, amazing mother who was able to leave her abuser only shortly after her baby (me) was born, I swear I could smack the taste right out of your bratty mouth.

Well I am older and benefit from wisdom that come with age, and I can see her point as well.

I was also in an abusive situation, so I see both sides.

I am NOT sympathetic to those types of girls anymore either, since they don't listen, so all you do is waste time energy and breath talking to them.

dangerousdiva
09-22-2008, 04:33 PM
Well I am older and benefit from wisdom that come with age, and I can see her point as well.

I was also in an abusive situation, so I see both sides.

I am NOT sympathetic to those types of girls anymore either, since they don't listen, so all you do is waste time energy and breath talking to them.

Life experience can either make you cynical or compassionate.

StrawberrySwitchblade
09-22-2008, 05:32 PM
What goes through a girls mind when she makes all this money working hard, then comes home and hands it to her pimp? PLEASE someone tell me why would anyone do this? Why not keep your own money? Seriously its mind boggling.

Because they will have the shit beat out of them if they don't. Welcome to the nitty gritty of prostitution.

CarlyMIA
09-22-2008, 06:15 PM
^^ they tried to explain the abuse part, but just handing your money to a pimp who has at least 10 other girls doing this, why be part of the girls? Here everyone spoke about girls who have abusers as their husbands/boyfriends

NewMoon
09-22-2008, 06:22 PM
^^^Sometimes the lines between abusive boyfriend and pimp and very faded. Girls at my club refer to their pimps as their "boyfriend". It's only when they discuss in detail their relationship that you come to recognize that it's their pimp.

CarlyMIA
09-22-2008, 06:40 PM
oh my... honestly never even discussed this anyone... i dont have patience for stupidity.. working hard and then givin ur money away.. sorry, no.

NewMoon
09-22-2008, 06:42 PM
I don't talk to these girls much but I would say it's more a case of ignorance than stupidity. They talk about it like it's normal. Unfortunately there are men and women in this world who have no idea how to form happy + healthy relationships.

CarlyMIA
09-22-2008, 06:44 PM
Sad and true... at times I would think to myself after talking with a girl "oh wow she is actually smart, drug-free and going to schooL" and then she goes and says "i gotta go visit the love of my life in jail tomorrow, he got booked for giving me a black and blue... stupid cops".. uhmmm OKKAYYYY

Djoser
09-22-2008, 07:48 PM
I don't talk to these girls much but I would say it's more a case of ignorance than stupidity. They talk about it like it's normal. Unfortunately there are men and women in this world who have no idea how to form happy + healthy relationships.

Spot on. Daytona was like that. Even the 'normal' guys were abusive pricks there, and most of the women loved it.

Working the clubs there was shocking--sort of, I had seen enough nasty shit already just being in that hellhole, so I was more or less ready for it. But all the lame stereotypical patterns seemed to be true there. The boyfriends that weren't pimp types beat up the women and took their money, too--just from one woman and a little less deliberately.

All you could do was listen and be nice to them when they were down. Trying to 'save' them would have been useless, and would have made you look like a sucker. No sooner would they leave one piece of shit abusive scumbag, when they would latch onto another.

It was really strange being a gentleman in that town. They didn't know what to make of me, usually. But they tended to tip very well at least.

Otoki
09-22-2008, 09:49 PM
Honestly, it's not an issue of stupidity. Many women have been programmed in their formative years to see abuse as love, and some of them think if they're not being hurt their man doesn't love them, or care enough to show his possessive feelings. It's disgusting and sad, but it's not so simple as someone being stupid.

davka
09-23-2008, 10:45 PM
Agreed, Otoki. It's frustrating as fucking hell, but it's way more complex than stupidity. Not recognizing the complexity doesn't help anyone.

golden41
09-24-2008, 12:47 PM
What goes through a girls mind when she makes all this money working hard, then comes home and hands it to her pimp? PLEASE someone tell me why would anyone do this? Why not keep your own money? Seriously its mind boggling.

They think that the pimp loves them and that is more important to her then the money. Some of these girls never even danced before their "bf" thought of the idea and pushed them to start. She doesnt want him to leave her and thins he will change if she proves how much she loves him by being the working one in the relationship and giving him all her money.

Otoki
09-25-2008, 04:06 PM
They think that the pimp loves them and that is more important to her then the money. Some of these girls never even danced before their "bf" thought of the idea and pushed them to start. She doesnt want him to leave her and thins he will change if she proves how much she loves him by being the working one in the relationship and giving him all her money.
Ooh, good point. The "rescue" complex. Barf. I've seen so many girls with that mentality.

millions_of_peaches
09-25-2008, 10:37 PM
I have 'helped' a few girls, and they all went back after, for more abuse. The last time, I was simply her friend, and since her back was a mess, and I am studying massage, I was working on her back for her. She took back the abusive boyfriend, he decided she and I were having sex, and I wound up with cinder blocks through my car windshield and windows, and a rock through my bedroom window. Soon after, she began treating me as an enemy.

These days, I suggest a shelter or hotline if asked, and stay far far away. It hurts to watch, but I simply can't let them take me down with them.

Now I go through this with my daughter. It hurts so much each time she goes back....but she always goes back. She and I are very close, if she won't accept help from me, well, you get the point, right? I don't think it is insensitive to cut yourself off from such a problem, sometimes it is the best thing for them you can do.

LoveyDovey
09-25-2008, 10:56 PM
Honestly, it's not an issue of stupidity. Many women have been programmed in their formative years to see abuse as love, and some of them think if they're not being hurt their man doesn't love them, or care enough to show his possessive feelings. It's disgusting and sad, but it's not so simple as someone being stupid.


So true.

demonika
09-25-2008, 11:37 PM
i was in an abusive relationship. the girls i was close with, on a work level, were really awesome. the whole four-five month break-up. breaking up with a lunatic isnt as easy as some might think. they chase you, stalk you and get into every nook and cranny of your life. the hardest thing, and probably the thing that made me COMPLETELY cut him off, was when a customer grabbed my hand, looked at me and said "don't let anyone do that to you'' (i had a grab bruise on my arm) of course, i started crying. i wish i could thank that man. id probably be dead or half-dead somewhere if i didnt get out of that. well, that man and the girl i had previously gotten into a fist fight with, rescued me from him attacking me.

of course, if isnt too hard to take a minute to console someone. but a repeat offender, drama-izer is hard to bother with. the "it's ok we are better now' type.

(i am rambling and changing the subject, sorry)

demonika
09-25-2008, 11:46 PM
thanks for having it out with crayola, everyone!

i didn't even know what to say. somehow, after i read her post, i didnt read the rest of the thread and had to leave my little words.

people who say crap like that have NO CLUE what they are talking about. i am sure she is a product of a gene line who by her philosophy should have been wiped out a long time ago. (i dont mean that to be a stab, either)

StrawberrySwitchblade
09-27-2008, 01:34 AM
oh my... honestly never even discussed this anyone... i dont have patience for stupidity.. working hard and then givin ur money away.. sorry, no.

When they threaten your life and health in exchange for money, many women will cough up. It's control. It's not a matter of "I don't want to." It's a matter of "I must or he may kill me." Sucks they got into that situation, but sometimes it happens.

Otoki
09-27-2008, 11:23 AM
I have 'helped' a few girls, and they all went back after, for more abuse. The last time, I was simply her friend, and since her back was a mess, and I am studying massage, I was working on her back for her. She took back the abusive boyfriend, he decided she and I were having sex, and I wound up with cinder blocks through my car windshield and windows, and a rock through my bedroom window. Soon after, she began treating me as an enemy.

These days, I suggest a shelter or hotline if asked, and stay far far away. It hurts to watch, but I simply can't let them take me down with them.

Now I go through this with my daughter. It hurts so much each time she goes back....but she always goes back. She and I are very close, if she won't accept help from me, well, you get the point, right? I don't think it is insensitive to cut yourself off from such a problem, sometimes it is the best thing for them you can do.
Shelters over your own home is excellent advice. I guess I've never had anyone really cause any problems.

I'm really sorry you're going through this with your daughter. I can't imagine the pain you must feel. I hope she snaps out of it soon. :hugs:

Otoki
09-27-2008, 11:25 AM
i was in an abusive relationship. the girls i was close with, on a work level, were really awesome. the whole four-five month break-up. breaking up with a lunatic isnt as easy as some might think. they chase you, stalk you and get into every nook and cranny of your life. the hardest thing, and probably the thing that made me COMPLETELY cut him off, was when a customer grabbed my hand, looked at me and said "don't let anyone do that to you'' (i had a grab bruise on my arm) of course, i started crying. i wish i could thank that man. id probably be dead or half-dead somewhere if i didnt get out of that. well, that man and the girl i had previously gotten into a fist fight with, rescued me from him attacking me.

of course, if isnt too hard to take a minute to console someone. but a repeat offender, drama-izer is hard to bother with. the "it's ok we are better now' type.

(i am rambling and changing the subject, sorry)
That made me cry. I'm so glad someone's sincerity got through to you and you managed to escape in time. Your story makes me feel like there's still hope.

CarlyMIA
09-27-2008, 11:39 AM
So if someone threatens you, stalks you, etc. can't you call the police? File a complaint and get a restrictive order? Is it really "either he kills me or I have to be a punching bag" situation? I think that if there's a will and common sense, there's a way. I do feel bad for those who fall into the trap, but it's more like pity rather than sympathy.

Flick6
09-27-2008, 05:00 PM
So if someone threatens you, stalks you, etc. can't you call the police? File a complaint and get a restrictive order? Is it really "either he kills me or I have to be a punching bag" situation? I think that if there's a will and common sense, there's a way. I do feel bad for those who fall into the trap, but more like I pity rather them sympathy.

You are incredibly naive and obviously have no life experience when it comes to these situations. Restraining orders are a joke, and so are the cops. Not to mention the complex issues of a woman's feelings and self esteem. Keep your pity for yourself and your ignorance babes. On behalf of every woman who as ever been battered, your pity is an insult.

VegasPrincess
09-27-2008, 05:11 PM
^^^Exactly!

That really was offensive to me MIA, and condescending to any woman who was abused.

CarlyMIA
09-27-2008, 05:58 PM
I have no life experience with these situations because I CHOSE TO STAY OUT OF THEM. I know my worth and using my common sense I decided that I'm better than to be used as a punching bag. I'm better than to give my money away that I worked hard for. I deserve a man who puts me on a pedestal and so does every woman out there. Leave the losers already!

NewMoon
09-27-2008, 08:43 PM
^^^Exactly!

That really was offensive to me MIA, and condescending to any woman who was abused.

:yes:

NewMoon
09-27-2008, 08:45 PM
I have no life experience with these situations because I CHOSE TO STAY OUT OF THEM. I'm not going to flame you because I think your posts are being made out of ignorance and not out of malice. However, you are simplifying a very complex situation. Avoiding being in an abusive relationship is much more complicated than just "I chose to stay out of them."

sexyjasmine
09-27-2008, 11:25 PM
I spoke with this girl I know last night that I have not spoke to in a while.

She told me that she now has a pimp.

I asked her why and tried to tell her that it was fucking stupid. It seemed like I couldn't get through to her so I tried to come up with a solution. I told her if she doesn't mind someone taking her money why not go to a brothel and let them take half? you get a place to live food and everything and at least get to keep some of your money...this is when she explained to me her logic on having a pimp

<<<she said>>>>I use to dance but then I did a date with a customer and seen the money was good. so I started using cl and just prostituting. I was raped at one point then not too long after the cops raided my incall spot and I now have a record. So I can no longer dance anywhere even if I wanted to start again, since I have a record. My mom kicked me out after I went to jail so I was homeless. This guy told me he would give me a place to live food clothes anything I want. All I have to do is work and give him the money I make and I think its a good deal.

I tried to explain to her just because you have a record doesn't mean shit! I know a lot of girls that do and still work. There are ways around the system. I asked her if she wanted to come live with me and try to get on her feet and save some money maybe open a bank account. Told her if she already had an account she could set up a niteflirt account and make money behind his back and leave him. She told me he has her account and everything blah blah blah

long story short these women are BRAIN WASHED!

It is ok to try to help someone. Some people don't want to be helped! Some girls really enjoy the lifestyle. You think about the bad side but they think about the good. The girl I was speaking of is 19 yeah only fricken 19. She can drive a nice car has a nice guy on her arm gets to wear LV bags and look cool while her peers are eating oddle and noodles in college. This makes her feel superior. So in the end she doesn't think a black eye is equivalent to her lavish lyfestyleso she deals with it. she went from the street to a house and a cpl cars.

Sorry for the long story I just had to really try to explain what I was told and the logic behind the pimp shit. Typing it out it still doesn't make sense to me but what does make sense is the fact that you can't save someone that feels like they are already saved.:'(

millions_of_peaches
09-27-2008, 11:42 PM
Shelters over your own home is excellent advice. I guess I've never had anyone really cause any problems.

I'm really sorry you're going through this with your daughter. I can't imagine the pain you must feel. I hope she snaps out of it soon. :hugs:


I do, too, thank you so much!

To those clueless and naive girls out there - I have no malice towards you, but I hope you never have to find out how 'innocent' your ideas are. Many of these abusers are extremely charming and loving in the beginning. They tend to wait until they have your total trust and confidence before they begin to torment you, and then it is too late. Even I would have never guessed my daughter's bf would become this monster. They were friends in high school, he pursued her with pretty words and actions, and then later became someone who shoved her to the ground and kicked her like a dog - That's right, same guy who brought flowers and called her beautiful.

There are those with warning signs in the beginning, but often there are not. They seem the sweetest, most loving men in the world, and then they become your worst nightmare. Most women go back, so the cops ignore it. They go back because these angry, cruel, men become charming and loving again, until they have your trust again. They love you, they are sorry, they have changed and will never hurt you again. The cycle begins over and over. Everyone who loves someone hopes they can change for the better. Unfortunately, by the time you realize they do not and will not change, your life may be in danger if you stay, or even worse, if you leave. The cycle gets worse and worse until the woman is killed or gets away, and even then she may have to change names, addresses, friends, etc. This is what scares me so much for my daughter, if she leaves now she is safe, but if she lets this escalate...
I really hope you never have to learn.

Flick6
09-28-2008, 09:46 PM
I have no life experience with these situations because I CHOSE TO STAY OUT OF THEM. I know my worth and using my common sense I decided that I'm better than to be used as a punching bag. I'm better than to give my money away that I worked hard for. I deserve a man who puts me on a pedestal and so does every woman out there. Leave the losers already!

I cant answer that without flaming so I will just echo what millions_of_peaches has posted:

To those clueless and naive girls out there - I have no malice towards you, but I hope you never have to find out how 'innocent' your ideas are. .....
I really hope you never have to learn.

demonika
09-28-2008, 10:54 PM
That made me cry. I'm so glad someone's sincerity got through to you and you managed to escape in time. Your story makes me feel like there's still hope.

you saying that it made you cry made me tear up.

Otoki
09-29-2008, 09:40 AM
To those clueless and naive girls out there - I have no malice towards you, but I hope you never have to find out how 'innocent' your ideas are. Many of these abusers are extremely charming and loving in the beginning. They tend to wait until they have your total trust and confidence before they begin to torment you, and then it is too late. Even I would have never guessed my daughter's bf would become this monster. They were friends in high school, he pursued her with pretty words and actions, and then later became someone who shoved her to the ground and kicked her like a dog - That's right, same guy who brought flowers and called her beautiful.

There are those with warning signs in the beginning, but often there are not. They seem the sweetest, most loving men in the world, and then they become your worst nightmare. Most women go back, so the cops ignore it. They go back because these angry, cruel, men become charming and loving again, until they have your trust again. They love you, they are sorry, they have changed and will never hurt you again. The cycle begins over and over. Everyone who loves someone hopes they can change for the better. Unfortunately, by the time you realize they do not and will not change, your life may be in danger if you stay, or even worse, if you leave. The cycle gets worse and worse until the woman is killed or gets away, and even then she may have to change names, addresses, friends, etc. This is what scares me so much for my daughter, if she leaves now she is safe, but if she lets this escalate...
I really hope you never have to learn.
Thank you for posting this.

MIA, these guys really do start out putting their GF on a pedestal. Once they have their trust they SLOWLY start asserting their control, mostly through verbal and emotional manipulation. Sometimes they are strictly emotionally abusive, and sometimes they move on to physical abuse.

Otoki
09-29-2008, 09:42 AM
you saying that it made you cry made me tear up.
I just think it's a wonderful thing that you got out of it, and that SOMEONE was able to jolt you back into reality. It just happens so rarely, you know? I wish more victims would get out this way.

CKXXX
09-29-2008, 10:15 AM
I had a friend that was dating one of our managers.He was a complete asshole...on probation for hitting his ex if that tells you anything. He tried to get me fired for fucking a custie in the champagne room..which I did NOT do..because I refused to have a threesome with them(she had no idea he was asking me). Thankfully the people at the club knew me well enough to stand up for me..the waitress said she had come into the room several times and nothing was ever going on(and that I was one of the ONLY girls she knew she could just walk into a room on and I wouldnt ever care because I was never doing anything wrong)..even the custie cursed him out and said that,as much as he would like it, I would never do that.

She defended him by saying he must have just saw a wrong angle or something and though I was doing something I wasnt(and I was literally one of about 3 girls there that was clean...when i was doing this room I could clearly see the girl across from me giving a BJ,but he didnt say anything to her...this was pure revenge because I wouldnt fuck him)

He started manipulating her...I told her over and over that he was a textbook abuser...even laid out exactly what he would do over the next cpl months..she got pissed at me and stopped speaking to me.

Until she called me crying one night saying he had done exactly what I said he'd do....and she recognized it because I had drilled it into her head. So she left him.

She has been in another abusive relationship since then..and gotten out. She's now with someone else and having his baby...she SWEARS he is different and I hope he is. But I havent met him(she doesnt live here anymore)and with her long history of picking abusers I am skeptical(manager ass wasnt the first). I hope she's right and this is a good guy...but I"m still waiting for a phone call saying he isnt....

CarlyMIA
09-29-2008, 10:16 AM
MIA, these guys really do start out putting their GF on a pedestal. Once they have their trust they SLOWLY start asserting their control, mostly through verbal and emotional manipulation. Sometimes they are strictly emotionally abusive, and sometimes they move on to physical abuse.

I see.. I guess I'm just very self-centered and opinionated to have someone manipulate me like that. Even a guy would CURSE as a joke like "oh you're such a bitch" and laugh, it's a deal breaker. If a guy talks bad to his mom, obvious red light. Dead beat with no education and no goals? Won't even get a stare. I think I just covered the most obvious guys that would be both emotionally and physically abusive.

But why get into a guy like that to begin with?

If, in the rare case, it's a well mannered and educated gentleman that starts to abuse you I can see why it would be *MAYBE* hard to let go.

To girls who were abused, don't you look back now and think to yourself "What was I thinking dealing with this idiot to begin with?"

demonika
09-29-2008, 10:16 PM
I see.. I guess I'm just very self-centered and opinionated to have someone manipulate me like that. Even a guy would CURSE as a joke like "oh you're such a bitch" and laugh, it's a deal breaker. If a guy talks bad to his mom, obvious red light. Dead beat with no education and no goals? Won't even get a stare. I think I just covered the most obvious guys that would be both emotionally and physically abusive.

But why get into a guy like that to begin with?

If, in the rare case, it's a well mannered and educated gentleman that starts to abuse you I can see why it would be *MAYBE* hard to let go.

To girls who were abused, don't you look back now and think to yourself "What was I thinking dealing with this idiot to begin with?"

are you kidding? the guy who abused me came off as such a sweet, sweet guy that it was hard for some people to believe me. he used to tell people that I abused him and they believed it.

it the manipulation that maked it hard to leave. i moved from florida to boston and that joker followed me.

dont we look back on every ex bf and think WHAT THE FUCK WAS I DOING WITH THAT IDIOT ANYWAY?

keira0304
09-29-2008, 10:39 PM
I see.. I guess I'm just very self-centered and opinionated to have someone manipulate me like that. Even a guy would CURSE as a joke like "oh you're such a bitch" and laugh, it's a deal breaker. If a guy talks bad to his mom, obvious red light. Dead beat with no education and no goals? Won't even get a stare. I think I just covered the most obvious guys that would be both emotionally and physically abusive.

But why get into a guy like that to begin with?

If, in the rare case, it's a well mannered and educated gentleman that starts to abuse you I can see why it would be *MAYBE* hard to let go.

To girls who were abused, don't you look back now and think to yourself "What was I thinking dealing with this idiot to begin with?"

of course I look back and think "wtf was I doing with him to begin with?" but in the beginning, they are smooth-talking attractive gentlemen and once you're in the relationship it's a total mindfuck. You're lucky it's not in your stars to be in abusive relationships, but for some people it's just the path their life takes because it teaches them things they need to learn in this lifetime. I've been looking at my astrology chart and there's something in it(sun trine something neptune and saturn???) that shows early evidence of abuse from a male (my stepfather, emotinally) and abuse from males in my early life. I'm really spiritual and I look at my abusive relationship as a learning experience, something I had to go through to move on to the next segment of my life.

I didn't choose it, it chose me.

Otoki
09-29-2008, 11:32 PM
I see.. I guess I'm just very self-centered and opinionated to have someone manipulate me like that. Even a guy would CURSE as a joke like "oh you're such a bitch" and laugh, it's a deal breaker. If a guy talks bad to his mom, obvious red light. Dead beat with no education and no goals? Won't even get a stare. I think I just covered the most obvious guys that would be both emotionally and physically abusive.

But why get into a guy like that to begin with?

If, in the rare case, it's a well mannered and educated gentleman that starts to abuse you I can see why it would be *MAYBE* hard to let go.

To girls who were abused, don't you look back now and think to yourself "What was I thinking dealing with this idiot to begin with?"
Dude, what part of "they're always charming and well-mannered at first" don't you understand? Yeah, some of the guys are deadbeats to begin with, but a lot of the time they're not. Think about all the domestic abuse that happens in homes of EVERY INCOME. How much money someone has or what kind of job they have doesn't exclude them from being potential abusers.

You're lucky that it hasn't happened to you. I used to think it would never happen to me, but now I've seen some of the women who end up in these relationships, and I've changed my mind.

I suggest you continue to remain cautious, and have a little more empathy for people who have been through this awful situation.

gracieS
09-30-2008, 03:09 PM
[quote=Otoki;1729846]Dude, what part of "they're always charming and well-mannered at first" don't you understand? Yeah, some of the guys are deadbeats to begin with, but a lot of the time they're not. Think about all the domestic abuse that happens in homes of EVERY INCOME. How much money someone has or what kind of job they have doesn't exclude them from being potential abusers.


YES THIS.
Many play the part of the perfect boyfriend/husband in their school or community... that way, no one will believe the girl if she ever tries to tell someone.

demonika
09-30-2008, 05:51 PM
of course I look back and think "wtf was I doing with him to begin with?" but in the beginning, they are smooth-talking attractive gentlemen and once you're in the relationship it's a total mindfuck. You're lucky it's not in your stars to be in abusive relationships, but for some people it's just the path their life takes because it teaches them things they need to learn in this lifetime. I've been looking at my astrology chart and there's something in it(sun trine something neptune and saturn???) that shows early evidence of abuse from a male (my stepfather, emotinally) and abuse from males in my early life. I'm really spiritual and I look at my abusive relationship as a learning experience, something I had to go through to move on to the next segment of my life.

I didn't choose it, it chose me.


i feel this way, too. it is a chapter that has been written in my book and helped build me to who i am today.

Willow_Nickole
10-01-2008, 08:31 AM
I see.. I guess I'm just very self-centered and opinionated to have someone manipulate me like that. Even a guy would CURSE as a joke like "oh you're such a bitch" and laugh, it's a deal breaker. If a guy talks bad to his mom, obvious red light. Dead beat with no education and no goals? Won't even get a stare. I think I just covered the most obvious guys that would be both emotionally and physically abusive.

But why get into a guy like that to begin with?

If, in the rare case, it's a well mannered and educated gentleman that starts to abuse you I can see why it would be *MAYBE* hard to let go.

To girls who were abused, don't you look back now and think to yourself "What was I thinking dealing with this idiot to begin with?"


Wow. Just... wow. I'm really not trying to be mean or anything, but you come across as incredibly naive. As far as being too opinionated and self-centered to get stuck in something like that... well, I am too. And you know what my ex told me once? That "breaking me" was more of a challenge because of that. Abusive relationships are not as black and white as you might think. Just because a guy isn't educated, doesn't mean he's more likely to abuse you. Educated men can use their fists too, honey. I spoke with a woman today who's LAWYER husband has been beating her ass and emotionally and financially abusing her for the past nine years. She finally left him today. As far as being disrespectful towards his mother and "jokingly" calling you names... you are right about that. I just wanted to point out that being an uneducated deadbeat does not make him more likely to abuse you. Abusers come from ALL walks of life. It's not a "rare case" that an educated man is abusive.

These men are master manipulators. They know how to break a strong woman. They are FABULOUS actors. Most men who become abusive ARE well-mannered at first. They come across as these wonderful, wonderful men... but once they've got you where they want you they change. Sometimes it's sudden, sometimes it's one little change at a time. Kind of like cooking a... frog? lol... I think it's frogs that you're supposed to cook like this. But anyways... like with cooking a frog... you start out with cool, comfortable water. So the frog just sits there. And you can't crank the heat up all the way right off the bat. Otherwise it'll just jump out and run away. You have to turn it up so slow that they don't even know what's happening... and by the time they do know, it's too late. These men just slide right on into your life and slowly tear down your self esteem. They isolate you from your friends and family so you have no one to talk to. They tell THEIR friends and family that you are crazy. They tell everyone how possessive you are, how mentally unstable you are, maybe even how YOU abuse HIM. Before you know it you have nowhere to turn to, because everyone else you still have contact with thinks YOU are the crazy one.

I do look back and wonder what made me want to be with my ex. I know in the beginning, he was a good man. Nice, polite, bought me little presents all the time. His family was nice to me. Then... things just started to change. He started telling me lies about my family.... like, he would tell me that my mother's husband was complaining about me to him, saying that they didn't like having me around... stuff like that. By that point I didn't really know WHO to believe. I'd never really had a good relationship with my parents before anyway, and he KNEW that. He took every bit of information he had about me and twisted it around to his advantage. Once things started to get bad, they got bad very quickly. But he started off kind, charming, and intelligent. And that's what sucked me in. I'd never had any man treat me with as much kindness as he did in the beginning. He treated me like a fucking princess on a pedastal. Obviously I'm not with him anymore. I think every woman in these situations have a different breaking point. Eventually, enough is always enough. But that point is different for everyone. All you can really do is let them know that you are there for them when they DO decide to leave... If it hadn't been for the fact that I KNEW I still had one friend who still believed in my ability to turn my life around, I might still be with him. If I hadn't of had her to talk to after I left him, I might have gone back. Just having at least one person who believes you are strong enough to leave can make such a big difference. Not every monster looks like a monster... some of them have college degrees, pretty smiles, and nice business suits. They are like chameleons.... they can blend in just about anywhere and you never know who they are until you are right up on them.

gracieS
10-01-2008, 08:52 AM
^^ All of you ladies who have been in situations like this are so incredibly smart and brave and it means a lot to the rest of us to hear it straight from you.

Thank you and I hope you're doing better now : )

dannie_19
10-05-2008, 10:20 PM
Complete newbie but I felt the need to say this.

Why is it so hard to believe there are women in the world who love themselves enough to not land in abusive relationship, after abusive relationship?

I think that was MIA's whole point. Granted shes not that tactful but her opinion is valid.

Truth is abusers pray on weakness and vunerabilty. It is a fact that some women attract these men in their lives and some dont, and the reasons behind that is where the emphasis needs to be placed in this conversation.

I think some egos need to put aside so actual progress and growth can take place.

xoxstarlet
10-06-2008, 03:12 PM
The women I have most trouble understanding are the ones who only are happy when there is drama in their relationships. The women who think a man being possessive and beating them for looking at another man is a good thing. The kind of women who are too lazy to work so they put up with a man who beats them and molests their kids just so they dont have to go out and get a job and support their kids.

I am not naive so I dont need someone telling me that. I have left men when I thought they got possesive. I was hit once and only once by a man. Guess what I did, I LEFT him. I told him I was going to leave and the look on his face was priceless when he saw me get into my car and drive away and never go back. Not even once did I second guess myself. He called my phone time and time again using every excuse trying to get me back. My response was just to change my number. HIs begging and pleading might have worked on a weaker woman but not on me.

After being hit once I have gotten a lot of wisdom. I look at all the signs. If a man is very chauvanistic I stay away. If he cant stand me making my own money I stay away. If he wants to take my money I stay away. If he is crazy jealous I stay away. Things like that. Those are signs every smart woman looks for no matter how sweet or charming he is.

CarlyMIA
10-06-2008, 05:44 PM
^^^^ Good one. I'm the same way, I was never hit and plan to stay that way!

gracieS
10-06-2008, 09:11 PM
"Why is it so hard to believe there are women in the world who love themselves enough to not land in abusive relationship, after abusive relationship? "


Because being abused doesn't mean you don't love yourself. Do you think abused children don't love themselves because they "allow" themselves to be abused?

Abuse doesn't happen because women don't love themselves enough. IT IS NOT THE VICTIM'S FAULT.

Let's think of ways we can HELP these women instead of tearing them down.

Lucy in the Sky
10-06-2008, 09:19 PM
Years ago there was this one girl who appeared to be controlled by her boyfriend. Not so much from what I could tell by physical force but more so by manipulation and prescription drugs. He worked in a pharmacy and she was always getting fucked up the mix of booze and pills. I got the feeling that he got her hooked on pills and took whatever money she earned.

CarlyMIA
10-06-2008, 10:40 PM
Ok so I decided to watch some movies about this... ended up watching ".45" with Milla Jovovich. Here's the link to the synopsis..
It was pretty good, I would recommend it.

Basically the boyfriend was hitting her hard, chopped off her hair and even went after the antagonist with a knife. No kids involved. Her only reason not to leave him was... "I LOVE HIM". WHAT THE HELL DO YOU LOVE ABOUT HIM???????? The knuckles in the jaw? The name calling? The alcohol problem? The threats? What is it???

So my question is... if a guy is abusive, how can you say that you love him? What can you love him for? I truly am curious and trying to be understanding, but it's hard to understand something like this... it pretty much seemed like she was a masochist.

gracieS
10-06-2008, 10:43 PM
Carly- it's very hard for people who haven't been abused to understand. It's a whole manipulative mindfuck. I'd suggest reading some books on it or researching a little more if you're interested- also maybe volunteering or donating something to a local women's shelter could give you some insight.

jaizaine
10-06-2008, 10:59 PM
it can happen to any woman. i was myself in a very emotionally abusive relationship in the past - it was never violent physically tho. so i put up with a lot just because he never physically hit me. in hindsight i should never have put up with any of it.

you live and learn and next time i would be out at the first hint of any of those tell-tale behaviours or warning signs.

i think the only part of her post i agree with is that i dont understand women who get out of one abusive relationship and into another one.
if you had the strength and courage to get out of one then u should be out at the first sign of trouble in the next one.
having said that i have sympathy for any woman in this situation and nothing but disgust for the men who do this.

Otoki
10-07-2008, 04:26 PM
it can happen to any woman. i was myself in a very emotionally abusive relationship in the past - it was never violent physically tho. so i put up with a lot just because he never physically hit me. in hindsight i should never have put up with any of it.

you live and learn and next time i would be out at the first hint of any of those tell-tale behaviours or warning signs.

i think the only part of her post i agree with is that i dont understand women who get out of one abusive relationship and into another one.
if you had the strength and courage to get out of one then u should be out at the first sign of trouble in the next one.
having said that i have sympathy for any woman in this situation and nothing but disgust for the men who do this.
Let's not forget that women do this to the men and women in their lives as well. Men can be victims, too.