View Full Version : abused women at your club
Otoki
10-07-2008, 04:28 PM
Ok so I decided to watch some movies about this... ended up watching ".45" with Milla Jovovich. Here's the link to the synopsis.. http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/45/
It was pretty good, I would recommend it.
Basically the boyfriend was hitting her hard, chopped off her hair and even went after the antagonist with a knife. No kids involved. Her only reason not to leave him was... "I LOVE HIM". WHAT THE HELL DO YOU LOVE ABOUT HIM???????? The knuckles in the jaw? The name calling? The alcohol problem? The threats? What is it???
So my question is... if a guy is abusive, how can you say that you love him? What can you love him for? I truly am curious and trying to be understanding, but it's hard to understand something like this... it pretty much seemed like she was a masochist.
There was a quote a while ago which described the "pattern of abuse". Start out nice, slowly become more possessive and controlling, "cross the line" (whatever that is for the victim) and then apologize profusely, act super nice, and the victim forgives them and is overwhelmed with how "nice" the abuser is. Once the abuser has the victim in the "ideal" state of mind (ie, everything is wonderful, life is good), they can assert their control again in an overt manner.
Otoki
10-07-2008, 04:33 PM
Carly- it's very hard for people who haven't been abused to understand. It's a whole manipulative mindfuck. I'd suggest reading some books on it or researching a little more if you're interested- also maybe volunteering or donating something to a local women's shelter could give you some insight.
This is an excellent suggestion. Sometimes putting a face to the crime (or victimization) can really make people have more empathy for those who are going through this horrible cycle.
CarlyMIA, I definitely used to have your attitude. Then I found out that a woman I really respected, (someone strong, intelligent, a woman I looked up to) was in an abusive relationship. After many arguments, (her leaving him, then going back, over and over), she stopped calling me. I wasn't willing to ignore her problems and pretend that it didn't bother me, and she needed (and still needs, I guess) someone to be a friend with NO criticisms of her choices. I wish I could be that person, but I can't. I don't have it in me to smile at her abusive bf when I run into them together.
She is one of the women to whom I offered my home, but she didn't want it. Writing about her makes me sad.
Rockell
10-07-2008, 06:54 PM
CarlyMIA, I definitely used to have your attitude. Then I found out that a woman I really respected, (someone strong, intelligent, a woman I looked up to) was in an abusive relationship. After many arguments, (her leaving him, then going back, over and over), she stopped calling me. I wasn't willing to ignore her problems and pretend that it didn't bother me, and she needed (and still needs, I guess) someone to be a friend with NO criticisms of her choices. I wish I could be that person, but I can't. I don't have it in me to smile at her abusive bf when I run into them together.
She is one of the women to whom I offered my home, but she didn't want it. Writing about her makes me sad.
That is such a sad story. It makes me think of my best friend when I was a little girl. Her dad was a schizophrenic and a crack abuser, he used to beat up her and her mom. My parents offered her mom to come live in the upstairs of our house with the kids and she never took the opportunity. To this day, some 15 years later her mom still hasn't left him and it ruined all the kids lives.
Otoki
10-08-2008, 09:48 AM
Originally Posted by Rockell
Originally Posted by Otoki
CarlyMIA, I definitely used to have your attitude. Then I found out that a woman I really respected, (someone strong, intelligent, a woman I looked up to) was in an abusive relationship. After many arguments, (her leaving him, then going back, over and over), she stopped calling me. I wasn't willing to ignore her problems and pretend that it didn't bother me, and she needed (and still needs, I guess) someone to be a friend with NO criticisms of her choices. I wish I could be that person, but I can't. I don't have it in me to smile at her abusive bf when I run into them together.
She is one of the women to whom I offered my home, but she didn't want it. Writing about her makes me sad.
That is such a sad story. It makes me think of my best friend when I was a little girl. Her dad was a schizophrenic and a crack abuser, he used to beat up her and her mom. My parents offered her mom to come live in the upstairs of our house with the kids and she never took the opportunity. To this day, some 15 years later her mom still hasn't left him and it ruined all the kids lives.
It's sad that she hasn't left him yet. Is she addicted to crack as well, or has she managed to at least avoid that?
dannie_19
10-09-2008, 11:10 AM
2 GracieS:
Comparing a defensless child to a GROWN woman who CHOOSES to stay and get beaten are 2 different things. The "victim" mentality is exactly the problem. When do these women ever take responsibilty for their lives?
dannie_19
10-09-2008, 11:16 AM
Im sorry but "love" is not an excuse to lose all common sense. Thats weakness and low self esteem so stop denying it! My bf has been in an abusive relthsp for 6 years! So im not new to this ok?
dannie_19
10-09-2008, 11:22 AM
Like I said once these women begin the internal work on themselves and feel strong...not like "victims" they find the strength to leave. Im not blaming them per se but I would like for them to take responsibilty for themselves and their happiness.
Rockell
10-09-2008, 12:29 PM
It's sad that she hasn't left him yet. Is she addicted to crack as well, or has she managed to at least avoid that?
The mom isn't addicted to crack or anything, she has been working a minimum wage job forever to support the family, her husband doesn't work at all. Now all the kids are grown and they have MAJOR mental and drug problems as well, so now this lady is raising their kids too. She's a saint lol.
gracieS
10-09-2008, 07:46 PM
Like I said once these women begin the internal work on themselves and feel strong...not like "victims" they find the strength to leave. Im not blaming them per se but I would like for them to take responsibilty for themselves and their happiness.
I just don't think people like you will ever understand... as much as I would like to try and help you understand, I honestly don't think I can.
Otoki
10-10-2008, 11:58 AM
^^Probably the least stressful attitude towards this sort of response.
LoveyDovey
10-10-2008, 12:08 PM
i think the only part of her post i agree with is that i dont understand women who get out of one abusive relationship and into another one.
I think, seeing that I was abused as a child myself, you tend to repeat the pattern because people normally gravitate to what they are familiar with. Once I realized I kept repeating a pattern in my relationships, I made a list of things I'd want in a man (loving, respectful, pays attention to me, etc.) and lo and behold, he manifested. I should also note that once I started taking good care of myself and treating MYSELF with respect, I naturally attracted someone who would treat me with the same respect as I gave to myself.
Rockell
10-10-2008, 12:19 PM
^^^That is very good advice, and so true.
LoveyDovey
10-10-2008, 04:44 PM
Thank you. :)
Aline
10-17-2008, 09:44 AM
" "love" is not an excuse to lose all common sense. That's weakness and low self esteem"
WTF?!? You know, it's a lot easier to "lose you common sense" than you think - a lot of these assholes are so adept and skilled at twisting the truth and have mastered the art of manipulation - they will completely brainwash you. I never in a million years thought I would ever let some guy call me a "bitch," when surprise, I found myself in a mentally abusive relationship. I consider myself a very strong woman with a good amount of self esteem, but EVERYBODY has some sort of weakness, and I think these guys are so good at finding it that you would have to be superwoman to be completely immune to it.
I have seen so many strong women go through relationships like that, and it is NOT because they are weak. Maybe there is low self esteem involved in a lot of cases, but women are often taken by surprise (at least that was the case with me) - my ex was the most wonderful guy for the first six months, had someone told me he would end up abusive I would have laughed in their face. There was not one bad word that ever came out of his mouth, and it was a very slow process to end up where we did. By the time he showed his true colors there was already that attachment. If someone calls you a bitch on the first date or hits you, of course you're gonna walk away. You don't know the guy and don't care about him one way or the other. It's a lot more complicated once you kinda like him:).
On the plus side, if you can go through something like that and not repeat the pattern (I have the sweetest bf ever now, and I know I'm not going to let this happen again), I have noticed it brings out all those doubts you may have and gets rid of them. I wouldn't want to ever go through that again, but I am very thankful I did, it has taught me so much. Now I know the warning signs when I see guys like that, no matter how hard they try to hide them:)
Much love to all you ladies that either made it through or are still trying to get out. You will in time. And even if "the faster the better," if you can't do it any faster that's ok too. As long as you get there eventually.