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bella_4x4
01-25-2009, 04:54 PM
wow, i could not have been a better time this section was added. sorry this will be long so kuddos if you get through it and arent as confused as i am.

so lately ive decided to start dancing. its something that was always an option for me. mostly for the money. and then i got pregnant young, and i decided id never have the body or guts to try.
the last few months ive started to feel really trapped, and suffocated, and lost. dont get me wrong, i love being a mother to my kids and have loved staying at home with them. but somewhere along the line i lost myself. im not who i was 5 years ago, in a bad way. i just dont feel like myself anymore, hell i dont even feel like a woman anymore.i used to be so strong and independent and very self confident, and always went after my goals and generally lived my life to the fullest. then i just drifted into i dont even know what kind of person. i love being a mom, but thats not all i am. and the other aspects in my life need to be more fullfilling. i need to get out of the house once in a while and interact with adults( besides the grocery store and at the kids lessons and such), i need to finish my schooling , my house needs to start to look like a home, and i need to start working again. me and the girls will be a lot happier if i felt happier with other areas.so i decided to better myself. im getting some surgery done that ive wanted forever, and thatll definetly make me happier. i applied to university (finally) and have been doing some renovations around my house by myself. ive been working out every day to beat the winter blues and get some more energy.i also decided i want to start dancing. i need to feel sexy again, i need to dress sexy once in a while, and i need to be social. so a win win in every area. the moneys nice too.
so i had everything in order. found a live out nanny part time and talked it over with my SO. im going to find me again...

and just my luck...

my surgery has now been pushed back to march/april, my classes have been cancelled because not enough people signed up, went a little overboard on xmas this year, and the nanny crapped out on me.

part of me sees this as a good thing. ill have time to get more in shape and more prepared if i wait to start dancing until after surgery, plus have some extra savings due to healing time etc. and for a new sitter. and it seems a little weird to me to get a job then a month later be like sorry i need 2 months off, thatll screw with my income. plus ill have extra time to get my house in order.

but part of me is like ok screw that bs. i hate waiting, when theres something i want, normally theres too much to do and not enough time. this time the universe has given me so much i want to do, but nothing but time until i can do it. i wanted to have started at the club by next month. i really want to do this. part of me feels i should just go for it. but im worried i wont have as much confidence if i dont wait until after my surgery. plus im worried i wont get hired though theres no rational basis to that, as im (when i feel like myself) a very social person and can charm the pants off of just about anyone (figuratively off course). but without the confidence my paranoia sets in. but im getting so stir crazy lately. and hobbies just aint cutting it. i need a job, and this is the one i want for now, as there is a shelf life on it.

so as you can tell im conflicted. what do i do? jump right in or wait it out and get things in order (by the way im an anal organizer)? im actually losing sleep over this crap. why am i feeling so lost? i dont know. this thread is part rant part vent and part needing advice and/or encouragement, and part wanting to grow some balls already and just do it.

congratulations all of you who made it through my ramblings. thats 1% of whats going on in my head 24/7. advice please???

missmays1983
01-25-2009, 05:36 PM
i do not have the responsiblity or commitment that comes with having a house and children as i do not have either of those, but i can relate to you on the 'just do it now or wait' issue as i was having the same feeling last year...i knew i really wanted to dance and was going through a lot at my office job as i was feeling under appreciated, overlooked for overtime or oppurtunites to travel for my job, not to mention the b.s. of office politics and managers playing favorites...i have given this company 7 years of my life being the model employee and busting my ass so to just be regarded as a 'replaceable body in a chair' was outrageous to me and i was sick and tired of it...

i really just wanted to walk away from it and fast track my plan to begin dancing...and more times than i can remember spent my lunch break crying my eyes out in my car whilst chain smoking...i even called my manager the last time this happened from my car and told her that i probably wasnt coming back from break and all the reasons behind the way i was feeling to which i was told 'well if that's the way you feel then just put in your 2 weeks notice'...

but i didnt. i'm still employed there. and i still intend to start dancing in a month. (fuck 'em...i'll do just what is required of me now, no more, no less...the money is decent and will help fund my other ventures till i get the dancing gig going strong.)

i could have just walked out and quit and start dancing immediately, but with as much time as i had spent researching dancing and everything i would need to prepare as far as learning to dance, finding a club, configuring my look and buying shoes and costumes and getting into better shape, dancing had become a project of sorts for me...i wanted to start my 'new career' off on with my best foot forward, with as much preparation and knowledge that i could possibly get...my new home became this site...i kept investing my time into learning, practicing, all of that...i know that i can't possibly work out all the kinks before i start as some things can only be learned with actual expierence. not to mention the mental preparation...hearing some of the other dancers 'horror stories' of bad nights and worse customers...had i just rushed into dancing i might have got the shock of a lifetime and would have not a single clue on how to handle myself or the situation...i still have volumes to learn, most of which now i feel will only come with the actual time and experience...

i would say...
don't rush into it...dancing could be (or remember also, COULD NOT BE) a great move for you, me, or any other woman, but i think it is important to really know yourself and your comfort levels, and if your situation allows, to have a plan...having a plan, a timeline, and goals will keep you focused and motivated. and i think that this is especially a field where having a strong self-esteem, confidence, goals, and knowledge are key. also think about what you want to accomplish with dancing...how far do you want to take it (other areas of the industry maybe maybe not), what do you want to do with your earnings, how long do you want to dance, what will you do after dancing....these i feel are all questions that need to be answered as early as possible.

i'm very glad that i stuck to my plan, and even pushed my timeline back further a few times...i think that this will help me to have a great experience with dancing...but i also remind myself that this all my hard work and preperation DOES NOT GUARANTEE anything...i may hate it the very first night...good or bad im looking forward to that first nite (1 month to go!)

the advice i give to you comes from things i have learned here on SW and from my own personal situations and experiences, and maybe from it you can find some helpful tips that will work for you. but don't feel alone in your plight as im sure many could relate to you, i certainly do!

wishing you the best of luck in whatever path you take.

bella_4x4
01-26-2009, 09:33 AM
thanks miss mays, the encouragement helps a lot, and its just a matter of whether i decide to push the timeline back. so far ive pushed it back twice, this may be the third. the second i was 2 days from auditioning and discovered i was pregnant again, so i didn go in. i stayed fit the whole prgnancy to atleast try to maintain my body. and since i decided to try again its been six months of getting in shape, getting everything planned, and answering all the questions you mentioned.

so now its not so much of a dilemma as it is getting ancy. on one side its like well youve waited this long, why not a few more months, but on the other side its like youve already waited this long, why keep making excuse and stalling just go already, but then why not just get a little more in order first. sooo confusing in my head. im all wishy washy with the timing, but this is something i plan to do, its just a matter of which option is more conveinient.

but yes, im just like you in the way that regardless of how my first night works out. ive made sure i walk in with an advantage. ive soaked up as much as i can on these websites, and talked to the other dancers i know, that way when i do go im prepared as you can be for how itll be. i dont know why the decision frustrates me so much. i guess its because of all the other circumstances. if i decide to go next month instead of towards the summer, well either way things need to be in order as not to affect the house or my kids too much. its mostly a money decision as well as my stir crazyness. do i really want to screw up my income starting to dance now, and try to budget while healing from surgery, or do i want to wait and feel even more unhappy being stuck day in and day out until the summer feeling like im not doing anything with my life.

i mean i am doing something with my life, i have a gorgeous happy healthy family, but its kindof a thanksless job. no matter how much you do in one day, theres always more dishes or laundry or whatever. as a mommy you spend all day cleaning and five minutes later no one would believe you did. i need to have something at the end of the day thats tangeable. my own income, my own stress outlet, and the relief that comes from being able to have somewhat of a conversation with someone that isnt about hannah montana or sesame street. i love them so much, but i have to get out of the house once in a while, an it makes sense to just get a job. i get out, plus im making extra income. they need a break from me just as much.

so its just a matter of what i need more: the income stability, or the balance in my life. it must not seem like such a decision, but when you have nothing to do all day, you have nothing to do but think. thank you though. i just need to get a grip on this. any more advice or encouragement from you or anyone else on here would help. im just thinking circles around myself at this point. i have a huge tendencey to over analyze things, damn you brain.

missmays1983
01-27-2009, 12:46 PM
^^^ "i have a huge tendencey to over analyze things, damn you brain."

i can totally relate to that! sounds just like me...


maybe take some 'time off from thinking'?...i know that must sound hilairious, but when i find myself overanalyzing and going round in circles i have found that if i just take a break from whatever issue i am trying to make a decision or plan about, and concentrate on something else for a few days, a week, a few weeks, when i come back to the frustrating issue i can regroup and get my head together and figure out what to do....it really helps me.

maybe in the mean time also, try picking up a little hobby or do something relaxing for yourself-long bubble bath, a quiet walk, whatever your fancy is...allow yourself some 'feel-good time' and destress...it will do ya good!

good luck!

inThePine
01-28-2009, 11:25 AM
^that's some very solid advice, MissMays.

I have faced similar conflicts recently (minus the kids) and I really feel what you're going thru. Relax! Deep down you know what's right for YOU, what you truly want right now, you just have to listen to yourself. For 10 minutes, just forget the kids, the school, the surgery, and meditate a little. Take deep breaths, stretch, maybe go for a walk to clear your head. What always works for me when I just don't want to think - I work out, I throw myself into the physical strain so it's impossile to worry about credit card bills or how i'll get to work tomorrow.
This vacation from thinking too much makes it easier to deal with when you come back to the "real world"
Why don't you just take a night for yourself and go audition at a club you've been interested in. I mean, if you get hired you can work until your surgery comes around, and if the club doesn't have a "no re-hire" policy then you can always re-audtion once you're healed if you like working there. If not, move on to the next choice - you don't owe them anything and vice versa.
Keep us updated!! Good luck!

bella_4x4
01-28-2009, 10:11 PM
thank you again missmays and in the pine. i do need breaks from thinking and somewhat am. thats what the home reno's are. i turn on my music and paint or build or move or organize whatever until i am de-stressed, plus after it all ive accomplished something. i get very bored with my surroundings appearance and house wise. somethings bugging me, i rearrange my living room. kids getting ancy, we paint the basement, i have a real doosy of a day, i dye my hair. even the slightest change ups my mood. so thats what ive been doing lately. and its mostly just the surgery thats got me buggin. i mean most of you who have posted dont have children, but thats the closest analogy i have, when you find out your pregnant, regardless of how you feel about it, its all you can think about 24/7. and thats how my surgery has been, since i had my first consultation. i would have gone in yesterday, and im completely understanding of being bumped back, im not going to suffer any real pain without having my surgery now, but others would have. its just ive wanted it for sooo long. my boobs are terribly uneven, and ive had to wear a bra 24/7 with the exception of showering since i was 10, my own SO has only seen them when i shower. im so excited for the surgery. and i mean i think i could still get the job, but i wouldnt want to watch me right now.

so whati figure is this. ill keep trying to work out as often as i can, keep the junk to a minimum, keep doing my stuff around the house, and getting all the finances in order. i have my second appointment on the 24th of feb. so when i go in if its being pushed back further, im going for it anyways. ill walk in the club and strut my shit. if it looks to be a few weeks off ill wait it out. i mean ive waited this long, right? and the more i can save beforehand the better i guess. now i just have to find a cheap way of getting out of the house more often until then, maybe running, but its so icy. and i hate winer. i just want to get on with it already. lets hope good things come to me who waits.

TinaLatina1989
02-01-2009, 06:52 PM
Funny...I'm at the other end of that. I too had a child young and devoted my life to him. A month before his 2nd birthday, he got cancer "neuroblastoma".
I started dancing last year after his relapse to support his medical costs and our montly trips to NYC' Mem. Sloan Kettering, The BEST cancer hospital in the world(so they say).

November 23 2008 he died in my arms at home as I waited for the ambulance.

Now I have all the freedom I "never" wanted. I was a Mommy for almost 5 yrs. Now I don't know who I am. I have not went back to dancing, I think emotionally it would be too stressful right now, even tho I need the money.

I hope you'll understand the threadjack, I had to get that off
my chest.

I think you must know who you are and be comfortable with that, before you strip or you set yourself up for failure. Not every guy will think you are sexy, even if you have surgery, or drop a few pounds.

inThePine
02-02-2009, 04:39 PM
Wow. I'm so sorry to hear that, I can only imagine how that goes. Once you dedicate so much of yourself to someone, you forget who that person is. My last relationship was like that, after it ended I realized the emptiness I was feeling was because I didn't have someone to devote my attention to, someone to work hard to please.

and Bella, I didn' realize you meant boobie surgery! Your anxiety about it makes a lot more sense now in regards to your dancing career. But really, they aren't everything! And I'm glad to see that you recognize change as something that can make you happy, not just another problem to add to your list. Your determination is admirable.
Best of luck to you all.

bella_4x4
02-03-2009, 02:14 PM
charisma, i am so sorry for your loss. i dont know what else to say, as i cant imagine how devastating that was for you to go through, i am so sorry...

inthepine: if you saw them youd get it. to me they are a part of feeling more like myself. they would make me feel so much more confident and secure in myself, they are soooo noticeable, like ones an a and ones a full c...yeah, its that bad, but thanks you.

and i am definetly getting back to myself before i get this job,

TinaLatina1989
02-04-2009, 06:15 PM
Thanx

bella_4x4
02-20-2009, 09:58 AM
ya so surgery got pushed back again...
and school is still a no go for the next few months. long story short i went to check out the club last week, and ended up with a job. i start monday. im glad i went for it.

Winged Dinghy
02-20-2009, 10:50 AM
Congratulations! Make a lot of money, and let us know how it goes!

inThePine
02-20-2009, 05:18 PM
Grr I'm sorry about the surgery and school, I'm waiting for school too and probably won't be able to start til spring even though I'm ready NOW!! So i feel you, but I'm so glad you just went for it! I hope that goes really well for you - I think the stripper gods are trying to tell you something haha let us know how you like it!

missy873
02-21-2009, 10:45 PM
thanks miss mays, the encouragement helps a lot, and its just a matter of whether i decide to push the timeline back. so far ive pushed it back twice, this may be the third. the second i was 2 days from auditioning and discovered i was pregnant again, so i didn go in. i stayed fit the whole prgnancy to atleast try to maintain my body. and since i decided to try again its been six months of getting in shape, getting everything planned, and answering all the questions you mentioned.

so now its not so much of a dilemma as it is getting ancy. on one side its like well youve waited this long, why not a few more months, but on the other side its like youve already waited this long, why keep making excuse and stalling just go already, but then why not just get a little more in order first. sooo confusing in my head. im all wishy washy with the timing, but this is something i plan to do, its just a matter of which option is more conveinient.

but yes, im just like you in the way that regardless of how my first night works out. ive made sure i walk in with an advantage. ive soaked up as much as i can on these websites, and talked to the other dancers i know, that way when i do go im prepared as you can be for how itll be. i dont know why the decision frustrates me so much. i guess its because of all the other circumstances. if i decide to go next month instead of towards the summer, well either way things need to be in order as not to affect the house or my kids too much. its mostly a money decision as well as my stir crazyness. do i really want to screw up my income starting to dance now, and try to budget while healing from surgery, or do i want to wait and feel even more unhappy being stuck day in and day out until the summer feeling like im not doing anything with my life.

i mean i am doing something with my life, i have a gorgeous happy healthy family, but its kindof a thanksless job. no matter how much you do in one day, theres always more dishes or laundry or whatever. as a mommy you spend all day cleaning and five minutes later no one would believe you did. i need to have something at the end of the day thats tangeable. my own income, my own stress outlet, and the relief that comes from being able to have somewhat of a conversation with someone that isnt about hannah montana or sesame street. i love them so much, but i have to get out of the house once in a while, an it makes sense to just get a job. i get out, plus im making extra income. they need a break from me just as much.

so its just a matter of what i need more: the income stability, or the balance in my life. it must not seem like such a decision, but when you have nothing to do all day, you have nothing to do but think. thank you though. i just need to get a grip on this. any more advice or encouragement from you or anyone else on here would help. im just thinking circles around myself at this point. i have a huge tendencey to over analyze things, damn you brain.
Oh my gosh, can I relate to you! I'm a stay at home mommy of two girls and I totally feel you on everything that you're saying!

bella_4x4
02-22-2009, 09:19 AM
thanks ladies. i just popped on here oday to brush up a bit on some of the better hustle hut threads. im so excited, but im starting to get pretty nervous. but good nervous, like that ind of jittery feeling when you get all worked up about getting say, a new tatoo or going on vacay. youre all nervous and anxious until you finally get there. im very proud of myself actually, its taken a lot of hard work to get to this point, lets hope it pays off nicely... ill update you all how it went on tuesday....

charlie61
02-24-2009, 09:31 AM
I read your post, but didn't make it through all of the replies (bad Mod! Bad!).

That being said, I'd say that you should put as little pressure on yourself as possible. I get that you want to completely make over your life, but the most lasting changes will be those that you integrate into what you're used to. For example, some people lose 30 pounds in 30 days, but they gain it all back later because they didn't make it a lifestyle change: it was just a quick fix.

Do what needs to be done, and write everything else down. Make a serious list--make it pretty--don't write it on a post-it note. Even if it's on your computer. Make it look important. Sign it. Own it! And slowly start integrating new changes into your lifestyle.

Start with small goals. You want to make your house into a home? Don't go out and buy a bunch of crap that you might not even like later. Just keep an eye out for stuff you like, and slowly turn your house into someplace that reflects who you are.

Lastly, try not to take life too seriously. Don't be so hard on yourself. You want to strip? Go for it! See if it works out. If it doesn't, so what? Quit! It's not a big deal. You want to feel sexy again? Don't go to Vickie's and bust the credit card. Start small! Do little stuff to make yourself feel sexier. Do stuff you can already do. Take baths. Masturbate! (that makes ME feel sexy!) I'm not trying to be obscene. But being sexy doesn't have to involve the perfect body and tons of money. Work with what you have.

I like your ideas about getting out and doing stuff. Check meetup.com for groups that meet to talk about stuff you actually care about! They have everything from business groups to parenting groups that meet regularly. That site has some really good stuff on it. And yes--go for walks. When you walk, really breathe the air. Don't just go through the motions. Focus on smaller stuff and really feel the life around you (this sounds cheezy, but whatever.) Blah blah blah...I'm overtired. :-)! Try to enjoy life instead of searching for what you don't have. It might be right under your nose.

bella_4x4
02-26-2009, 02:40 PM
charlie, thanks for the advice, and almost all of it is already done. ive been w0orking on the house a little at a time for about a year now, but what i meant by that part was i was overdue to start on the basement(organizing).ive been taking it a room at a time, but it was more finding a space for everything, putting up some shelves etc. and im not rushing by any means. but i had to admit, not working was starting to irk me. and since last year had been starting to get things back on track. ive had 2 shifts so far, and theyve gone pretty well. i know i havent been at it long enough to know how long ill stay, but its nice having a job, and one that i get to be so social at. and the break has been great. my second shift was only 4 hours during the day, but when i got home, me and the kids were both more relaxed, and missed eachother. and getting out more, even if its for work, has helped me feel more like myself when im at home, back into the swing of things and a routine i think. and its not so much that i didnt feel sexy, i just feltway more like mommy than i did me, and there has to be a balance, even if it is 50-20 lol.so hopefully it keeps going good. but things are definetly picking up. thanks ladies for all of your advice.