PDA

View Full Version : Kind of strange



justifymylove
01-28-2009, 12:37 PM
This will seem like kind of a weird post, but I guess I'm in kind of a weird situation. I'm in an open marriage, which has its rules and boundaries, that I'm pretty open about unless I think someone might be too conservative to be understanding. And of course I disclose immediately to anyone who I might become involved with.

So, I go to school full-time and sometimes work temporarily at my previous "real" job in an office. The other day, a client walked in who I hit it off with, and in a normal situation I'd just email him and let him know I'd be interested in seeing him again (without getting into the details, this wouldn't be a threat to my job at all, although if he wasn't into it he might think it kind of odd... lol.) And this is of course what I'd do if I were single. But, I decided to do nothing because...

Supposing I did see him again and then told him about my relationship situation, wouldn't THAT be weird? Like to go to any trouble whatsoever to contact him and it turns out I'm married... I got to thinking that this might be not cool for him, especially if he's uncomfortable with the concept. This got me to thinking that maybe there are more people than I think who don't like the idea of getting involved in a no-strings situation with someone taken.

Any feedback? How woudl you feel about hooking up with someone in an open marriage? Or have you have to negotiate similar situations? I know this isn't the most common relationship question... lol

Thanks :-)

Kylea2
01-28-2009, 12:41 PM
I can't really say from a male perspective. I think women who are not accustomed to open relationships would probably not take to kindly to it. I've been approached by a lot of people in open relationships and never took them up on the offer. I think you really need to ask men though... it may be totally different to them.

kittygirl
01-28-2009, 05:15 PM
Yeah I agree it might be different for a guy, but I wouldn't do it.

I would actually be down with nsa but probably not with someone in that situation.

Please don't take offense, but the way I feel about a guy that has an open relationship is that he is too weak to be alone but he isn't that into his girl.

I've been willing to have "open" relationships or keep flirting and pursuing when I needed the emotional support from my guy but wasn't in love with him. I just needed to move on.

I would avoid a guy like this because they seem to me like users.

Please don't take offense, I'm a girl, this is how I feel about guys.

If it won't affect your work, go for it. He can only say no and it's not his place to be offended by a beautiful woman who is coming on to him who has a special situation. Being hit on is always better than being ignored.

If you like him so much already that you are worried about what he would think of you being in an open realtionship, well then that's a whole other story.

justifymylove
01-28-2009, 09:25 PM
I think what I'm trying to get at (more succinctly) is this: I guess I've always taken it for granted that men would be okay with my situation, because generally men aren't as concerned about getting attached or that I might not be telling them the truth about my marriage being open (which is a problem my husband has encountered on occasion.) But then again, I've more often met men in situations where it's okay to flirt more openly and bring up the open marriage, whereas having a conversation in an office with someone doesn't exactly invite the same openness just yet. So I suppose I'm just opening up to the realization that not everyone I express an interest in will be okay with my relationship just because I'm honest about it.

Guys responses to this have been mostly "if she's hot, then I'm okay with it"...lol

Phil-W
01-28-2009, 10:25 PM
As a guy, I'd always be a little worried about what the response from justifymyloves' SO. The thought at the back of my mind would be "what if he decides he's not cool with the situation?"

(My personal preference is for monogamous relationships - but that's just me. Everyone has different preferences and boundaries).

As to the original situation, hooking up with a customer of the company you work for might be a problem if he's a significant source of income. What if your employer was worried about this clients reaction on the rebound from you in a few months/years time? If I were an employer I'd look at the business implications.

Phil.

threlayer
02-01-2009, 11:52 AM
You are smart to consider the other person in the situation. It is true that not all men are willing to do this.

My opinion is that I distrust 'open marriage' encounters because I have an unshakable feeling that it destabilizes a marriage to minor or major degree, depending.... Further, as a married woman once told me, married people lie about such things. Far as that goes, I even stay away from a possible encounter with a woman telling me that she lives with a guy but they are not 'involved.' That doesn't endanger a marriage, but I cannot unwind this to determine what is real. As a result I don't have many relationships, and I get older they will become much less frequent. But those I have had, I feel were 'honorable.' And that is important to me.

latingod
02-04-2009, 06:36 PM
OK, here are my .02

I was involved with a girl that had an Open relationship...she had a husband (divorced him) and then a boyfriend... I met her then and liked her and we started hanging out...we enjoyed each other's company and had tons of fun.... I knew she had a BF and it was ok with me, as she kept telling me that he was ok with her seeing other guys as he was seeing other girls... So I was ok with this....I wasn't expecting ot become the BF or replace her guy, she suddenly changes on me and tells me she is done with her guy and just wants to be with me....so things change....and her BF (no ex0BF) starts txting me telling me how she is laying and she lied to him and she is lying to me, that he knew she was more serious with me than the previous guys...blah, blah, blah... and because of this...even though they had an open relationship I decided not to keep going... too much drama....however if you are in an open relationship i suggest you make sure feelings don't get involved and people are always truthful and honest with each other....

justifymylove
02-04-2009, 11:12 PM
Thanks for the input all. It seems that it could be an issue for men who might not believe that the relationship is actually open. I think I was right to trust my instinct in not pursuing someone in this context, where I could not be sure of his values and not openly and immediately explain my situation.

I know a lot of people don't understand non-monogamy, or at least, couldn't imagine being in such a relationship themselves. So it is good to consider the reasons that one might be hesitant to be involved in such a relationship even from the other side.

Charlee
02-16-2009, 06:54 PM
Whether people understand your relationship or not - I think youa re a very thoughtful person to consider other's thoughts and feelings :D

Just wanted to say that because you really don't see much of that these days.

justifymylove
02-19-2009, 01:30 PM
Thanks Charlee :-) I'm glad that you said that because there are those who think that open relationships mean no boundaries and no respect, but that isn't always the case!

holly07
02-21-2009, 04:39 PM
Here's my opinion , you don't have to like it , but here it is: I've been married for 8.5 years. I think an open relationship, swinging, bisexuality, etc makes a mockery of marriage to God, saying yeah we took our vows in church, but we don't agree with the whole one f or each other for all eternity, so 're you're changing the rules of marriage. I believe: to each their own as long as your not harming anyone else, but I don't think you should be married in front of God. Marriage is sacred, holy, based on Christianity and between man and woman, and that's it!

Kylea2
02-21-2009, 05:08 PM
Marriage is sacred, holy, based on Christianity and between man and woman, and that's it!

^^^ You are making a very large assumption here in regards to her personal beliefs, which are none of our business unless she chooses to make it so.

As for marriage being based on Christianity, that is simply not the case because marriage existed prior to Christianity (even way back in Mesopotamia) and used by many religions other than Christianity particularly since marriage was often seen more as a business deal.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marriage

http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&client=firefox-a&rls=org.mozilla%3Aen-US%3Aofficial&q=mesopotamia+marriage&btnG=Search

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mesopotamian_Marriage_Law

This is all by way of saying that it is their marriage undertaken with their personal beliefs.

Paris
02-21-2009, 05:44 PM
Here's my opinion , you don't have to like it , but here it is: I've been married for 8.5 years. I think an open relationship, swinging, bisexuality, etc makes a mockery of marriage to God, saying yeah we took our vows in church, but we don't agree with the whole one f or each other for all eternity, so 're you're changing the rules of marriage. I believe: to each their own as long as your not harming anyone else, but I don't think you should be married in front of God. Marriage is sacred, holy, based on Christianity and between man and woman, and that's it!


So Jews or Muslims or Buddhists or Taoists or Mormons or Wiccans can't get married? LOL! I just found this paragraph very humorous. Many religions are all for multiple spouses, also.;)

justifymylove
02-21-2009, 07:16 PM
Thanks for your point of view Holly. But to be honest, I was already pretty clear on the Christian view of open marriages.

hockeybobby
02-21-2009, 09:48 PM
If I was attracted to you, and you gave me the green light, I'd hit it.

Silky
02-24-2009, 03:58 PM
This is an interesting post.

I am all for people that are satisfied in non-monagamous relationships and i even wonder myself what i am truly suitable for.

I believe some people think they are suited for the open relationship lifestyle... ect ect because they arent with someone who truly fufills them on all levels.


I also believe that there are people out there who truly are suited for this lifestyle and it's great for them.
It gets me angry when people look down on this, as if their "way" is the only "way" because it is more socially accepted.

To each their own thats the beauty of this society anyway.

I think it is just hard for some people to determine if they truly are suited for an open lifestyle or just think they may be.
Im not talking about me or anything(note sarcasm here.)

MarvelGirl
02-25-2009, 11:26 AM
Here's my opinion , you don't have to like it , but here it is: I've been married for 8.5 years. I think an open relationship, swinging, bisexuality, etc makes a mockery of marriage to God, saying yeah we took our vows in church, but we don't agree with the whole one f or each other for all eternity, so 're you're changing the rules of marriage. I believe: to each their own as long as your not harming anyone else, but I don't think you should be married in front of God. Marriage is sacred, holy, based on Christianity and between man and woman, and that's it!


I will never understand this attitude. I've been married for 8 years and we're swingers. We didn't get married in a church, don't believe in your God and couldn't care less how you feel about our "mockery of a marriage".

The way we live doesn't affect you in the least, and frankly, your God is on the same level as the Trix Rabbit or the Tooth Fairy in my mind, so I don't see why I should care.

Marriage is a legal contract. You can argue that all you want, but I have a legal, binding, marriage contract and there was no religion involved or necessary.

I find it funny that someone who would be considered a "whore" by many other narrow minded Christians would fling judgement around. Go tell your church friends that you shake your tits in men's faces, and see if some of them don't think YOU are adulterous for that.

Elvia
02-25-2009, 12:48 PM
If I was attracted to you, and you gave me the green light, I'd hit it.


I'm quoting this because, in my experience, this has been true of most guys.

I wasn't in an open marriage, exactly. Just a long term relationship where we lived together and had an open relationship. In my experience, if you're open and honest about your situation right away, most single guys are cool with that situation if they're attracted to you.

glambman
02-25-2009, 12:53 PM
MGirl, everyone has different opinions on these subjects. I, for one, believe you need nothing more than to agree to the marriage to be married. Your view on religion to marriage is my view on the state to marriage. If any man gets married with a state 'contract', they are setting themselves up for an anti-man judicial system that will legally take away their assets in a divorce. Just ask Paul McCartney about the one legged bitch.

You find the religious view laughable as I find the state view a farce (and laughable as well).

MarvelGirl
02-25-2009, 01:21 PM
MGirl, everyone has different opinions on these subjects. I, for one, believe you need nothing more than to agree to the marriage to be married. Your view on religion to marriage is my view on the state to marriage. If any man gets married with a state 'contract', they are setting themselves up for an anti-man judicial system that will legally take away their assets in a divorce. Just ask Paul McCartney about the one legged bitch.

You find the religious view laughable as I find the state view a farce (and laughable as well).

I feel like you're trying to put words in my mouth, or force me to comment on something I don't really care about. I meant what I said, and I said what I meant.

All I'm getting from your comments is that according to religious nutjobs I'm not really married because I'm not Christian, and now according to whatever type of nutjob you are, I'm not really married because divorce laws are unfair to men...

I just don't care. If Sir Paul and his one legged bitch both imploded right now it wouldn't have any impact on my life. Same with you getting married or not, I don't care. I think more people should just stop caring about personal matters involving people they don't know. Then it would end some of these stupid debates about nothing.

glambman
02-25-2009, 02:23 PM
WOW that's alot of nothing from my post.

I actually agreed with you about not needing to be married in a church, but I also think the having a state marriage contract is not necessary.

You put down her religious views, but hold onto your antiquated state marriuage in the same way she holds onto her views. That's all.

As far as staying out of personal matters, I agree, however, if I am going to have to pay for it (octumom) then damn right I have a say about it.

justifymylove
02-25-2009, 06:15 PM
I'm quoting this because, in my experience, this has been true of most guys.

I wasn't in an open marriage, exactly. Just a long term relationship where we lived together and had an open relationship. In my experience, if you're open and honest about your situation right away, most single guys are cool with that situation if they're attracted to you.

Thanks Elvia. That's generally been my experience so far as well.

Silky: If you have questions or just want to hear about someone else's experience, I'm happy to chat :-)

MarvelGirl
02-26-2009, 01:44 PM
WOW that's alot of nothing from my post.

I actually agreed with you about not needing to be married in a church, but I also think the having a state marriage contract is not necessary.

You put down her religious views, but hold onto your antiquated state marriuage in the same way she holds onto her views. That's all.

As far as staying out of personal matters, I agree, however, if I am going to have to pay for it (octumom) then damn right I have a say about it.


Your post was a whole lot of nothing. I am not on "the state's side" any more than I'm on "religion's side". I don't have an "antiquated state marriage". I'm simply stating that I am married, and I take offense to a person telling me that I am NOT married simply because I don't bow down to their own personal God. I'm not putting down her religious views, I am PERSONALLY REJECTING them from my own life, and my own marriage.

You just wanted to spout on some nonsense that you thought was in agreement with me just to see your words in type. Now you bring up octuplet mom. The women isn't even married, you need some help trying to stay on topic. She is yet another person, just like yourself, that I don't give a damn about.

If you don't believe that people are allowed to be married at all, for any reason, that's your choice. But the next time someone you know mentions that they just got married, and you reply "No you didn't, because I PERSONALLY don't believe in marriage!" Then I want you to remember the strange look they give you as they walk away from you forever and realize that's the reason why you, as a non stripper, hang out on a website for strippers.

That is all, and I'm not pissing with you anymore. You don't even have the brains to stay on topic and you're obsessed with celebrity gossip. Those are two obvious signs of a moron as far as I'm concerened.

glambman
02-26-2009, 02:03 PM
hmmmm, one does not need to get married in a church to be married, nor does one need a state marriage license in order to be married. Beyond that, who cares what others specific view is, I'm sure mine will not be the same as yours.....so what. I haven't voiced mine in this thread, nor have I knocked you for yours.

Lots of people take offense to lots of things, if you take it sooo personally as you do (especially when you're letting emotion rule to the point where you can't comprehend my simple posts), it usually underscores other issues.

Opinions are like assholes,...everyone's got one. If you don't like ones, then show yours (but there's no reason for personal insults).

Ciao.