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TinaLatina1989
02-26-2009, 07:48 PM
Sunday started out as any other. We had a little breakfast
(oatmeal) and fed the ducks outside. Monday would be a big day, the
first day at Joe DiMaggio in Florida.
We had lunch and watched cartoons. You took a nap, I did a little
housework. Your Aunt Angie was there and you played together. You
were very thirsty. We layed on the floor in the living room and
watched Spongebob. You asked me for more juice and took a sip, that's
when our worlds changed. "Help me" you choked out. I tried to find
out what was wrong, you were having a hard time telling me. "I want
Daddy (Anthony)". Something wasn't right. "Call 911" I screamed to my
best friend Brittney. She did and then we called "Daddy". I don't
know what to do it feels like a nightmare. I tried CPR, when I
breathed in your nose your eyes got wide. " Call 911 back"
Mommy: "Help me I am at 8710 N Sherman circle apt 102 Miramar Fl
33025! Did you send the ambulance? MY BABY IS DYING, HELP ME...I
DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO CPR"
911: Calm down mam, you are calling the wrong station we have to
transfer you, please hold on the line.
Mommy: HELLO HELLO
911: Miramar fire rescue....
Mommy: Please hurry my baby is dying
911: Has he turned blue?
Mommy: Huh?...No
911: Does he have any illnesses?
Mommy: Cancer
It's gonna be okay baby, Mommy's here. I rub your hands and keep
checking if your heart is beating. I tell Angie to open the door so
they will know where to come and we wait. You started breathing
really hard and your eyes were wide. Anthony comes first, I hand you
to daddy I feel your body getting limper. Everyone is crying and
praying. Mommy is so scared, Daddy is crying so are Angie and
Brittney. I go outside to meet the ambulance children are playing
kickball outside. There is soo much laughter, it's just another
Sunday evening. Ambulance pulls up and the first guy gets out walking
"HURRY PLEASE" I yell out.
EMT: Any illnesses?
Mommy: Cancer
EMT: Is he terminal?
Mommy: What?
Our living room gets turned into an emergency room. They took off
your orange gap shirt I fell to my knees behind the couch in prayer.
I say "It's okay baby you're gonna be okay". I hear them giving
orders does anyone have a flashlight? Someone runs outside to get this
thing and that. Asking questions and I answer them numbly....15 kilos,
no allergies. They take out the defibrillator.
EMT: Everyone back...CLEAR...We have a line...Yes...suction.
I am relieved I say "Thank You Jesus". I hear other things that
don't sound as good, I run outside Angie runs after me, Brittney comes
out too. The children are still playing, a couple of the curious ones
ask if everything is okay.
Angie and Brittney rush to me holding me tight my younger sister
Angie is crying hysterically. I don't look at them, I look up towards
the clear nite sky, the North Star. I know you will be fine, you'll
pull threw this. They need to take you to the hospital. I ask Daddy
to ride with you, I can't see you on a stretcher, lifeless. He
understands, I can't have those images because they will haunt me
forever. He is stronger than Mommy.

Daddy told me they kept trying all the way to the hospital. I go
into the house through the backdoor, the living room is littered with
wrappers and tubing. I go in my room, I am exhausted I fall asleep
with your Spiderman blanket. When I come out later they are gone.
Anthony is there, so are Angie and Brittney.

I miss you soooo much, you have so much stuff, all of it Spiderman.
I even think I hear you calling me, I have to remind myself you're
gone. You're ducks still come by for you everyday and I feed them
cereal just like you love, they aren't as friendly with me. I dream
about you every nite. If you saw me now you'd say 'Mommy whats wrong"
and wipe my tears..
I wish you could read this, I wish I could call you. It's sooo hard
for Mommy.

*~Angel~*
02-26-2009, 07:54 PM
Awwww, that was really nice. Im guessing its in memory. It is very nice. A good way to remember him.

^^I am sorry for your loss sweetie...

Harlow
02-27-2009, 12:28 PM
May your child's memory be a comfort to you...I am so sorry for your loss. I hope if there is some grief counseling available to you that you will look into it. I'm doing some research into finding a grief counseling group in my area...but I'm not a mother and I can't imagine the pain of losing a child. Bless you.

andiwillbe
02-28-2009, 06:05 PM
I am so sorry for your loss mama. I will remember Emmanuel's story forever and hold my little one tighter in his memory.

*~Angel~*
02-28-2009, 06:07 PM
That is a good way to remember a loved one. Cancer is hard, but please don't ever forget your child's memory.

wish
02-28-2009, 09:06 PM
I've had a few miscarriages and couldn't imagine having to lose my babys touch and smile. I'm so sorry you have that experience babe. But he's always with you it's just that he gets to play at Gods playground now.

*~Angel~*
03-01-2009, 09:42 AM
Miscarriages are bad, i've had a couple. Those are tramatic, and def mess you up for a while. I can't ever imagine losing one that I grew to love, helped grow. But you have to realize he is in a better place, where he's happy and isn't feeling any pain.

retiredangel
03-01-2009, 12:14 PM
I am so very sorry for your loss and hope that as time goes on,you'll find even more ways to keep his beautiful memory alive.
You are stronger than I could ever be and I send you all my good thoughts today and always!

TinaLatina1989
03-01-2009, 01:46 PM
I am so sorry for your loss mama. I will remember Emmanuel's story forever and hold my little one tighter in his memory.

That means the world to me. Thank you.

TinaLatina1989
03-01-2009, 02:04 PM
I am so very sorry for your loss and hope that as time goes on,you'll find even more ways to keep his beautiful memory alive.


You are stronger than I could ever be and I send you all my good thoughts today and always!



I think this will be a comfort for me in the future.



I'm not strong at all.

It means so much to me just to have someone read his story. I don't have many friends or family. Some couldn't handle the 3yrs of treatment. The few that are left, expect me to snap back to normal instantly, it's impossible to talk to them.


He has a myspace http://www.myspace.com/emmanuelmysunshine

RespectThisHustle
03-02-2009, 10:28 AM
I had yet to post on this board, but I couldnt just read this and say nothing. After two m/c's I am five months pregnant. My m/c's were very hard, but I burst into tears reading this. I am so very sorry for your loss, deeply and Im sorry you do not have an ample support system around you. You are so courageous to post this here. I had spent months months worrying about losing this baby, but now I see I need to be cherishing every moment than living in fear of a loss. Hugs to you and the father, I hope yall are able to find peace.

retiredangel
03-02-2009, 10:42 AM
...still thinking of you and yours this morning.
Have you considered writing about your experiences?
I say this because you seem so very sincere and although "broken",you have a way of sending out hope...I think you could be a great inspiration to others.
I disagree: you ARE strong,you were able to beautifully express something that is SO hard to understand and it takes great strength and courage to face reality...so few do!
I think you're amazing and my "she-ro"today. ;)

mediocrity
03-02-2009, 08:27 PM
Many many hugs to you mama. I looked at the myspace, and he is a beautiful child. I ope you have many happy memories to pull you through. I'm not religious, but I bet he's smiling down on you.

dayna
03-02-2009, 09:05 PM
I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

rayna
03-03-2009, 02:58 PM
That was a beautiful letter... thank you for posting.

missy873
03-03-2009, 05:15 PM
I wish I could give you a hug right now. I'm so sorry for your loss. I have two little children and just the thought of losing them makes me hysterical. Your post made me cry so hard, cuz I cannot even imagine your pain. I lost my little cousin to neuroblastoma. I know words dont make the pain go away, but I just had to tell you that I was thinking of u and ur little boy, and reading ur story helps me not to take my beautiful children for granted for even one second. I honestly will never forget ur story.

Ruby Ruckus
03-04-2009, 02:22 PM
oh god. i didn't expect to open this and end up sobbing, but that's what i'm doing. i'm so sorry sweetie. i really am.

TinaLatina1989
03-04-2009, 09:54 PM
I had yet to post on this board, but I couldnt just read this and say nothing. After two m/c's I am five months pregnant. My m/c's were very hard, but I burst into tears reading this. I am so very sorry for your loss, deeply and Im sorry you do not have an ample support system around you. You are so courageous to post this here. I had spent months months worrying about losing this baby, but now I see I need to be cherishing every moment than living in fear of a loss. Hugs to you and the father, I hope yall are able to find peace.


Wow,

It really touches me to know you found comfort in your own life, thru what happened in mine!

TinaLatina1989
03-04-2009, 10:05 PM
...still thinking of you and yours this morning.
Have you considered writing about your experiences?
I say this because you seem so very sincere and although "broken",you have a way of sending out hope...I think you could be a great inspiration to others.
I disagree: you ARE strong,you were able to beautifully express something that is SO hard to understand and it takes great strength and courage to face reality...so few do!
I think you're amazing and my "she-ro"today. ;)


It's funny you say that. It's very hard for me to sit down and make myself write. When I'm passionate about something the words kind of just pour out. I think in the future, writing may be a way to heal from all of this.

I guess I say I'm not strong because, the strength I have is the same as any mother with the love for her child would develop in an instant.

TinaLatina1989
03-04-2009, 10:21 PM
I wish I could give you a hug right now. I'm so sorry for your loss. I have two little children and just the thought of losing them makes me hysterical. Your post made me cry so hard, cuz I cannot even imagine your pain. I lost my little cousin to neuroblastoma. I know words dont make the pain go away, but I just had to tell you that I was thinking of u and ur little boy, and reading ur story helps me not to take my beautiful children for granted for even one second. I honestly will never forget ur story.


NB is a monster, I'm so sorry to hear about your cousin. I can't count how many children I grew to love and watched lose their fight. These wonderful little angels never complain, they learn to manuever their I.V. pumps around the hospital and keep playing. I always say cancer is like every bad disease rolled into one, transfusions, injections, surgerys, transplants...

TinaLatina1989
03-04-2009, 10:25 PM
I can't explain how much all of the responses mean to me, thank you.

Kaiyla
03-07-2009, 04:57 PM
I read the whole myspace, looked at all the pic and blogs, and I'm an absolute mess right now. What a beautiful child. I am so sorry. I don't know what else to day. I know that there is true beauty in the way you write. I think you should definitely keep writing, it really does help you work through things and puts them into perpective.
Your strength amazes me. Give yourself more credit. You deserve it. :hug:

TinaLatina1989
03-09-2009, 09:24 AM
I read the whole myspace, looked at all the pic and blogs, and I'm an absolute mess right now. What a beautiful child. I am so sorry. I don't know what else to day. I know that there is true beauty in the way you write. I think you should definitely keep writing, it really does help you work through things and puts them into perpective.
Your strength amazes me. Give yourself more credit. You deserve it. :hug:


Thank you

XoticaDoll
03-10-2009, 07:29 PM
What an amazing way you express such deep loss.

I too have lost a child, a daughter and still can not even bring myself to write about her.
She is written in my heart forever though not a day goes by without my girls face or voice in my head and heart.

I am so very sorry for your loss and wish you a future with healing and many blessings. May the days and nights get easier to bear sweetheart.

Your words broke my heart but the love you have was shown so beautifully , your writing is so touching..