View Full Version : Boyfriend doesn't want me to strip... advice?

03-31-2009, 11:46 PM
Ok, so here is the situation that is causing me so much strife: My best friend is a stripper and when I was visiting her last I talked to the manager and got to work for the 4 days when I was there. It was my first time doing it, I loved it, made a ton of money etc etc. I didn't tell my boyfriend of 1 1/2 years that I did it until just last week, when I decided to come clean. I know I shouldn't have lied, but I knew how he would react. I've taken full responsibility for lying.

So now though we are fighting a lot (over both the lying and the stripping) and I told him that I want to dance again whenever I visit my friend. He is VERY against it and makes the usual boyfriend arguments ("You are better than that, it's a shameful thing to do, this is going to affect you psychologically, how are you going to feel knowing you did this when you have kids, how can you jeopardize the relationship like that? etc etc"). I've tried to explain that I'm not ashamed of it, its a table club, I don't do lapdances, no customers touch me, and it's actually a relatively high-class place. He doesn't trust me, which I understand, so he thinks I am going to cheat on him or lie about what goes on there. I have thought about not dancing again, but I think I would resent him if I decided to forgoe it. I understand where he is coming from, basically freaking out that his girlfriend "wants to shake her tits in guy's faces" as he puts it.

Anyone have advice about how to deal with this, or stories about how their boyfriends/husbands/others reacted? Thanks.

03-31-2009, 11:53 PM
Well, considering that you didn't tell him before you did it, I can see why he is upset.

However, it isn't shameful and I think he's far more concerned than he should be.

The only thing I can say is apologize over and over for not telling him before you did it. Then see if he will go with you to the club. If he sees it for himself maybe he won't think it is so bad.

04-01-2009, 04:39 AM
Tell him it will make you super horny and he'll be a happy man when you return to his bed. :D

04-01-2009, 05:41 AM
Ummmm, do what you want, its your life therefor its your choice.

04-01-2009, 06:05 AM
Okay, first off the best thing probably would have been to tell him before you went and danced at that club.

Secondly, does he know that you would make more money working in a club then you would in most other places.

Thirdly, If he thinks its so bad for you to do that throw it back in his face. Tell him that he cant go to a strip club, I mean what would your kids think? Why would he wanna put your relationship up like that :P LOL... but nah, thats what i would do, but im kinda a bitch, and that would probably end things.

Just buy him something nice as an apology, and always keep apologizing. Give him massages, and allow him to have his space sometimes. He will most likely come around, but if he doesnt then i dont know. You enjoyed dancing, but make sure you talk to your man if you ever want to do it again. Invite him along while you work, so he doesnt think you're not doing extras. Tell him to buy drinks at the bar and not to be over your shoulder. That might work.

04-01-2009, 06:07 AM
He has a right to not be ok with you doing this. He absolutely does.

If this is a dealbreaker for either of you, then you need to figure out what you want more, stripping or him.

04-01-2009, 06:09 AM
Exactly, but i was thinking if they talk it out they could come to an agreement, if not, then its your decision to either keep your boyfriend, or that one week of dancing in hopes to have more. The decisions up to you...

04-01-2009, 07:25 AM
It's common for guys to have concerns when their gf's decide to start dancing. Whenever I hear stories like this I usually ask if you'd rather he completely didn't care? Probably not.

I think ideally what we want is someone who cares enough to be concerned, but yet strong enough to still be supportive, whether it be bungie jumping, car racing or dancing.

So long as he's not trying to be completely posessessive, is it so bad that he'd rather not share your goodies with other guys? The trick is to convince him that no matter what your customers might get, it's not as signficant as what you give him.

In your particular case, I wonder if distance is a factor. You mentioned in your story how you danced while visiting a friend for 4 days, and only planned on dancing when you visit her again. How far away is this? Not being close by, may be adding to his anxiety in that he won't know that after your shifts you're still coming home to him, especially since he's not used to the idea of you dancing.

Also, is your friend a factor? Is she someone he likes, or does he see her as a potentially bad influence on you?

Ultimately it probably boils down to having trust issues. Open communication is the key, especially in the beginning until he gets used to the idea.

Hopefully it will work out.

Take care.

04-01-2009, 09:23 AM
Thanks everybody. Yea, I know I should have told him before, but what is done is done. The club I worked at is out of state, but the funny thing is that he used to live there and totally used to be a customer at the club. Double standard, I know. I guess what it boils down to is a basic discrepancy in our belief systems. I'm ok with it and don't see anything wrong with it, and I am hoping he comes around.

I think I'm also dealing with the fact that I hate that he wants to tell me not to do something that I want to do. I know relationships are a give and a take, but I am not used to guys having that power. I dont know.

Thanks again!

04-01-2009, 10:12 AM
If you love it, do it. You own yourself and your actions.

04-01-2009, 10:23 AM
he used to live there and totally used to be a customer at the club.

Wow, sounds like he's immature if he thinks that going to a SC is okay as a customer but you dancing there is not.

Personally, I think I'd be finding a new boyfriend.... but then again I have a low tolerance for people with double standards.

04-01-2009, 10:33 AM
Don't ever let a man tell you what to do with your life, you will end up miserable. If he were your husband I could understand, to this day I regret ever letting a guy give me an ultimatum on our relationship over my job, that's what most bf's don't get its acting, how many of us really like the guys were dancing for or are even attracted to them. I would ignore it, only god knows what guys do when we aren't around. Oh wait, they go to the strip club LMAO and then tell their women not to go dance.. hypocritical and a double standard in my opinion.

Don't make the same mistake that so many of us have and let a bf make life choices for you.

04-01-2009, 10:47 AM
FWIW, some thoughts from the other side of the fence...

Firstly, some people do have moral objections to stripping - although your bf has rather torpedoed his case by being a customer at that SC.

It may also be that during those visits (or at other clubs), he's gotten very high contact dancers and has decided that while it's OK for him to have them, it's not OK for you to give them. A bit hypocritical I know, but sometimes that's the way the male mind works.

Taking some of his points:

"You are better than that". Dancing does carry a stigma. Wrongly, I know, but it's still a fact of life. You will have to deal with grief from friends and family if they find out.

It may affect you psychologically - sometimes in a good way and some times in a bad. I've known several dancers as friends for a number of years now, and dancing has affected them. On one hand, they've probably become mentally stronger by dint of continually having to stand up for themselves. On the other hand, dealing with a-holes for a lot of the working day does result in stress.

"How can you jeopardize the relationship like that?" The dancers on this board will advise you better than I, but it appears relatively rare to find guys who don't have issues about their gf dancing.

As to the broader picture, guys are fairly 'territorial' by nature. Some of the problem come from the fact that what was once an exclusive privilege for him - seeing you naked - is now available to anyone with the money to pay for it. (which may include his mates if they find out).

Also, many guys have 'date the dancer' syndrome. If he's asked dancers out during his SC's visits, he may be worried that you'll succumb to temptation while you're working.

As to what decision to make, only you can really do that. There are pluses and minuses. Pluses obviously are more money, the freedom to set your own schedule and a recession proof job. The minus will probably be more stress and (most immediately) a disintegrating relationship.

Over to you...


04-01-2009, 10:53 AM
It takes TRUST to be in a relationship with a stripper. You broke his trust about it already, and at the same time you are telling him that you want to dance naked for money. In order for him to be OK with that, he has to trust you - which he doesn't because you lied.

So the way I see it, here are your options:
1. Dance, knowing it will tear your relationship apart because he can't date a stripper he doesn't trust.
2. Not dance.
3. Wait, and tell him that you still want to pursue it but you realize that you have to re-earn his faith in you. When he trusts you to be honest with him again, his fears will not be as prominent and he'll owe it to you to support you while you try working as a dancer.

04-01-2009, 06:42 PM
... The club I worked at is out of state, but the funny thing is that he used to live there ...

Just taking a stab in the dark ...

Perhaps part of his problem may be the possibily of not just sharing you with other men, but with other guys he knows. The thought of someone coming up to him and mentioning they saw you in a SC could be pulling at his strings.

Doesn't it make it right or wrong, just thought it might be something to consider.

05-03-2009, 02:20 PM
I would say that your wrong for lieing about it.. I could understand maybe taking a while to tell him.. like a week or two.. but a year.. I would say if you dont get affected too much by the business.. of course you will have days that you just hate but thats part of it.. if you can seperate your work from home then its ok, If you are not married, and he can not support you I would say that he should let you.. not that he can stop you..

05-03-2009, 05:22 PM
Tell him it will make you super horny and he'll be a happy man when you return to his bed. :D

That might be the worst thing you could ever do.

No offense Dani, it works for some guys, I know. I'm not one of those guys, and most other guys aren't either. The idea of 'my' girlfriend getting horny rubbing all over a bunch of other men and then wanting to fuck me is a total, complete, utter turnoff. I want nothing whatsoever to do with that.

The fact that the OP lied to him about dancing in the first place has severely eroded the trust thing already. The fact that she would only dance when out of town, rather than coming home after working each night, horny or not lol, will only make this problem worse.

The fact of the matter is that very, very few men can handle having a dancer for a girlfriend or wife. It's actually a 'normal' reaction, just as a 'normal' woman would instantly freak out if 'her' boyfriend confessed he had been lying about stripping on the side and would do so whenever he went out of town. Your average woman would NEVER consent to such an arrangement.

It's just not human behavior to readily consent to 'sharing' in this way. Usually the guys who don't mind 'sharing' are dicks, from what I've seen, and are trying to fuck everything that moves and take the girl's money too. But there are exceptions, fortunately.

ETA--I just saw the club was a table dance club, which makes it a lot better, but being in another state would still be a dealbreaker for the vast majority of men who'd already been lied to.

Now if the guy is pulling a double standard thing, wanting to go to stripclubs but not wanting 'his' girlfriend to dance in one, that's a different story. Having gone to a stripclub in the past isn't the same as going to them on a regular basis now, though.

Of course if you really want to do this maybe you should. But you might lose the guy in the process.

05-03-2009, 08:01 PM
from what the OP said it doesnt sound like you actually lied... you just didnt tell him. IMO, there is a difference. One of them has active intent, the other one is a bit more passive.

Disclaimer: My perspective on this matter is going to be very biased because my 2 long term relationships have resulted in harassment and stalkerish behavior (One of my exes called me over 60 times in one night. The other ex would text me all the time and when i told him i was busy studying would threaten to kill himself) so at this point i favor very independent relationships.

So from what i gathered, you danced without first consulting your boyfriend. How long did you wait until after dancing before telling him? And second, did you ever actually lie (as in say, no i did not dance) or did you just leave out hte detail. IMO, when people are in a relationship they shouldnt need to consult the other person on every thing that they do. If i go to a concert, i dont have to ask my boyfriend first. If i go to a club, i dont have to ask for permission first. If i want to dance, i shouldnt have to first have permission from my sig other. If someone got angry at me for this, i would be like "well i didnt lie to you, i just didnt ask for your permission first. And since i didnt cheat on you, i shouldnt need your permission. I guess i am sorry that i didnt tell you first, but it was a spur of the moment thing." I guess men view exotic dancing differently than going to a club or concert, but since he has been a SC frequenter, he doesnt have too much leverage on this matter. That would be my attitude on the matter, but at this point of my life i would avoid a relationship with anyone who would ever demand i ask permission before doing things.

As far as whether you should dance now... dancing probably will mean the end of this relationship. Here is what you have to consider.... one year from now, what will you be happier with? Will you be happy wiht your career as an exotic dancer, and you will have money and independence and all of hte other good stuff that you can find listed on SW (along with some of hte bad memories) or will you be happier with this boyfriend. You have been dating him a year and a half, do you want to date him another year and a half? How old are you, if you are only 18, pobably not, because you and your boyfriend at age 16 v. age 20 are very different people. If you guys are more mature, then this might not be the case. Are you with him because you love him or because it is comfortable? My first relationship that dragged on for 2.5 yrs was because it was comfortable. I am guessing part of the reason you liked dancing is it was excitement. Do you usually love spending time with your man or are you just kind of afraid of being single after such a long time? Is spending hte next year with him worth more than the thousands of dollars and positive things that come iwth dancing? These are the questions i would ask myself... Unless this guy was my super soulmate, i would probably choose dancing. However, i doubt this guy would be my soulmate because my soulmate would not demand i ask his permission before doing things. If you think this is the guy you want to spend your life with, then you should probably put him first. If you dont see it that way and you see dancing as more of a long term commitment (you see yourself dancing maybe 5 or 10 yrs vs. dating this guy another few months before the relationship turns sour) then going your own ways might be best.

Sorry if this was a bit long and rambling. Im also not trying to hate on people who are in relationships with a lot of compromise, they just dont work for me. I know my past relationships have made me a bit more cynical, so take this with a grain of salt.

Also, dont mention that working will make you horny for him later. This is probably one of the things that he fears.

05-04-2009, 10:30 AM
(One of my exes called me over 60 times in one night. The other ex would text me all the time and when i told him i was busy studying would threaten to kill himself)


Jesus H Christ, what a couple of whackos, that's terrible. I don't blame you for being 'a bit more cynical' now.

Mr Hyde
05-04-2009, 11:45 AM
This sort of question gets asked a lot on SW. The answer is always basically the same or a variation on this....

You and your BF have different ideas about stripping. He obviously thinks that it's "bad" while you don't. This difference of opinion probably will manifest itself in other areas of your lives as well, if not now then in the future. What you have to ask yourself is, can you remain with your BF knowing that you have some fundamental differences in opinion on things like this? Can you live with a BF that doesn't "let" you do what you want to do? Can you live with yourself knowing this? When answering these questions, think about how important this is to you. If it is of minor importance, no problem. If it's a big deal, you may have to make some decisions about your relationship.

You won't change his mind, so you need to decide what's important to you and how important it is.

07-08-2009, 11:14 AM
He is not going to ever change his mind. Even if he makes like he is ok with it, you know his true feelings. He will become resentful and it will blow up in your face. I speak from multiple experiences. It's your man or the club.