View Full Version : I totally have to share with all of you...
Pages :
1
2
[
3]
4
5
6
7
8
vmurphy252
05-27-2009, 09:41 PM
(562): omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
vmurphy252
05-27-2009, 09:42 PM
(773): is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
(773): it's more of a rinse.
vmurphy252
05-27-2009, 09:44 PM
10 points if anyone can get the (intentional or not) skit show reference:
(412): Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
vmurphy252
05-27-2009, 09:46 PM
(909): I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
JayATee
05-27-2009, 09:46 PM
^There are way too many to pick from tonight... I'm leaving it to you... I'm laughing too hard.
vmurphy252
05-27-2009, 09:47 PM
I'm like a news aggregator for useless information. Great.
(718): My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
vmurphy252
05-27-2009, 09:47 PM
(408): I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
vmurphy252
05-27-2009, 09:48 PM
^I hate it when it accidentally interprets it as a smiley...
(763): i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
vmurphy252
05-27-2009, 09:50 PM
I just report 'em folks.
(614): Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
vmurphy252
05-27-2009, 09:52 PM
(602): You can't motorboat a personality
JayATee
05-27-2009, 09:53 PM
^I hate it when it accidentally interprets it as a smiley...
:rotfl: :rotfl:
(810): Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
vmurphy252
05-27-2009, 09:55 PM
^It's not a threadjack if I stay on topic even if I massively over post, is it?
JayATee
05-27-2009, 09:58 PM
Nope! ;)
JayATee
05-27-2009, 10:06 PM
(734): just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Christyismyalias
05-27-2009, 10:07 PM
Those sites are awesome!
"Today, I was sitting in a bar next to this gorgeous guy who kept eyeing me up and after about 30 minutes he finally leaned in to whisper something in my ear. What he said? "If I were you, I would get a push-up bra." FML"
chanzep
05-28-2009, 05:19 PM
Thanks 4 new sites to look at when at my day job!, I also Like overheardinnewyork.com .
rachelle321
05-28-2009, 05:35 PM
[quote=mediocrity;1804478]Drinking:
Eating:
On the regular:
Mix at THEHotel. My SO took me here in March. It's on the 64th floor of the hotel, and ALL OF THE WALLS are glass, so you get a 360 degree view of the strip. It has a 50,000 pieces blown glass chandelier and is all white. It's is fucking GORGEOUS, and there's a cocktail lounge attached, as well as an outdoor balcony. It is killer, the gnocchi is fantastic. My SO had the colorado lamb and adored it.
I was in Vegas last month and we went to the Mix at THEHotel. It was the nicest resturant I have ever been to. ;D I had the scallops and they were awesome!! Definately a great place to go for an anniversary!!
vmurphy252
05-28-2009, 08:47 PM
Today, my boyfriend of two years asked me to marry him so that we can consolidate our student loans. FML
vmurphy252
05-28-2009, 08:48 PM
Today I was shaving my balls with a blade razor because my electric trimmer had died and I had a big date with the girl of my dreams. I moved too quickly and accidentally knicked a vein in my scrotum. I had to hold gauze over my balls until the paramedics arrived. FML
"We've got a bleeder!"
vmurphy252
05-28-2009, 08:50 PM
(510): he said he didn't have a condom.
(415): and you said?
(510): that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
vmurphy252
05-28-2009, 08:52 PM
(201): At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
vmurphy252
05-28-2009, 08:52 PM
(219): Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
vmurphy252
05-28-2009, 08:53 PM
(760): I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
chanzep
05-29-2009, 01:17 AM
(510): he said he didn't have a condom.
(415): and you said?
(510): that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I like this.}:D
JayATee
05-29-2009, 01:29 AM
(586): I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
(586): I thought that was really considerate
vmurphy252
05-30-2009, 08:17 AM
Today, there were no more seats on the bus in which I was taking home, which meant I had to stand. I noticed that a creepy guy sitting in front of me had a boner, so I took a few steps back. Suddenly the bus went through something like a speed bump, which caused me to fall and sit on the man's lap. FML
vmurphy252
05-30-2009, 08:18 AM
Today, my grandparents were staying over my house for a couple of nights. As I was walking to my bathroom in the middle of the night, I noticed their door was open, and my grandfather was awake. I tried to say 'Hi' to him, but he didn't hear me. I then noticed that he was masturbating. FML
^I just threw up in my mouth a little bit..
vmurphy252
05-30-2009, 08:20 AM
Today, I had sex with a new guy. After we were done, he noticed my lighter on my nightstand and said "I've always wanted to try that!" He put the lighter by his butt and fart into it, producing a flame. After, when he left, I sat there, naked, mortified. FML
One person's fanatasy, another person's... well, anyway.
vmurphy252
05-30-2009, 08:25 AM
(513): what's Bukake?
(1-513): a bad idea.
vmurphy252
05-30-2009, 08:26 AM
(616): Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
vmurphy252
05-30-2009, 08:27 AM
(603): I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
vmurphy252
05-30-2009, 08:28 AM
(320): Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
vmurphy252
05-30-2009, 08:28 AM
(410): so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
commanderadama
06-04-2009, 07:52 PM
Today, I came home from work late (2:30am). As I snuck carefully into bed and laid down next to my sleeping future wife, my fiancee half awake said "No, no... Dan will be home soon." I am Dan. FML
vmurphy252
06-06-2009, 09:06 AM
Today, while laying out, I kept feeling something misty, like a spray bottle. Curious as to what it was since it kept coming, I looked up, only to see the painters were peeing over the side of the house, and the heavy breeze was turning their piss into a refreshing mist for me. FML
vmurphy252
06-06-2009, 09:20 AM
Today, I meant to express to my friends that I was enamored with a young saleswoman I had encountered at a store. I wanted to tell them that she was quite petite and that I am, in general, attracted to petite women. Instead I said "You know? I like little girls." FML
vmurphy252
06-06-2009, 09:22 AM
Today, I saw my super creepy live-in uncle standing in the kitchen holding a pair of my underwear and smiling at it, humming to himself. He didn't see me. I stood there for at least 30 seconds in shock, and when I backed away he was still looking at them. FML
vmurphy252
06-06-2009, 09:27 AM
Today, I met my boyfriend in Hong Kong after being apart for almost 6 months. We got to our room and got right down to business. I was just about to come when a voice came over the PA system in the room. "This is just a fire alarm test, sorry for any inconvenience." FML
vmurphy252
06-06-2009, 09:29 AM
(559): I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
(1-559): Yup.
vmurphy252
06-06-2009, 09:32 AM
(818): i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
vmurphy252
06-06-2009, 09:34 AM
Not that I would know anything about this one...
(480): The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
vmurphy252
06-06-2009, 09:38 AM
(615): everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
vmurphy252
06-06-2009, 09:39 AM
WTF?
(603): Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
(1-603): The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
vmurphy252
06-06-2009, 09:40 AM
(732): You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
vmurphy252
06-06-2009, 09:41 AM
(610): He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
(484): A better fuck for starters.
vmurphy252
06-06-2009, 09:46 AM
(814): Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
(610): You might as well just give her the money now.
vmurphy252
06-06-2009, 09:47 AM
(716): it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
vmurphy252
06-06-2009, 09:51 AM
(304): My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
kittycampbell
06-06-2009, 09:54 AM
Ahahaha, I was familiar with fmylife but hadn't yet been introduced to TFLN. Thank you for that, I've been laughing my behind off!
vmurphy252
06-06-2009, 09:56 AM
(225): I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
(504): Who won?
(225): All of them.