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vmurphy252
06-06-2009, 09:59 AM
Thank mediocrity. I just administer them now...

kittycampbell
06-06-2009, 10:32 AM
(941): i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
(212): Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
(212): Really
(941): You win

(415): Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
(415): Recession joke.

(586): Ok let me ask a question, does aderall make women less apt to have sex?
(586): Cause it just destroys penises
(586): Was that inappropriate? I can't gauge these things anymore

(xxx): I just remembered smoking a post-it last night

vmurphy252
06-07-2009, 09:50 PM
But textsfromlastnight is up...

(206): My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ

vmurphy252
06-07-2009, 09:51 PM
(503): He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
(1-503): Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.

vmurphy252
06-07-2009, 09:52 PM
For the Tarantino fans...

(803): You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo

vmurphy252
06-07-2009, 09:53 PM
WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?

(989): I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa

vmurphy252
06-07-2009, 09:53 PM
(512): its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.

vmurphy252
06-07-2009, 09:54 PM
(512): he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.

vmurphy252
06-07-2009, 09:55 PM
(936): Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
(1-936): Can I eat your pillow?

vmurphy252
06-07-2009, 09:56 PM
(214): Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.

vmurphy252
06-07-2009, 09:57 PM
(954): Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.

vmurphy252
06-07-2009, 09:58 PM
I've met her:

(248): I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis

vmurphy252
06-07-2009, 09:59 PM
(559): Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.

vmurphy252
06-07-2009, 10:00 PM
(763): So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
(1-763): Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.

vmurphy252
06-07-2009, 10:00 PM
(301): you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.

vmurphy252
06-07-2009, 10:03 PM
(918): you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
(1-918): Woah.
(918): that's not how you spell hell yes.

JayATee
06-07-2009, 10:06 PM
(918): you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
(1-918): Woah.
(918): that's not how you spell hell yes.

This so sounds like my ex.

vmurphy252
06-07-2009, 10:08 PM
At least he has self confidence.

vmurphy252
06-07-2009, 10:10 PM
Today, my friend was complaining about how fat she was. To make her feel better I said, "Psh, you're not fat! In fact we're about the same weight!" She looked at me for a second, then burst into tears sobbing, "I'm fat! I'm fat!" FML

JayATee
06-07-2009, 10:11 PM
Umm... well...yes... unfortunately he never had the goods to back it up...

vmurphy252
06-07-2009, 10:13 PM
Well, not everyone can be as fortunate as... well, never mind.

JayATee
06-07-2009, 10:15 PM
(281): so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?

JayATee
06-07-2009, 10:16 PM
Well, not everyone can be as fortunate as... well, never mind.


I get to say those things, he put me through hell. }:D

vmurphy252
06-07-2009, 10:16 PM
Is face licking a common pick up tactic? "Hey, can I buy you a drink?" :::slurp:::

vmurphy252
06-07-2009, 10:17 PM
Actually, the unfinished word was "...me".}:D

JayATee
06-07-2009, 10:19 PM
^ I knew that. ;)

And no, I do not recommend face licking. A guy does that to me and I'll break his nose. A def damper to the evening. Although... I'd be more concerned about hurting my hand...

JayATee
06-07-2009, 10:20 PM
(845): i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
(1-845): id pin you as more of an 8

this should totally be in fml.

vmurphy252
06-07-2009, 10:21 PM
Don't hit with your hand. Use your forearm/elbow. Or spike him on the instep with your heel (hopefully stilleto). Or stomp on his shin. Or apply horizontal force to the side of his knee. Not that I've thought about or trained for these situations.

JayATee
06-07-2009, 10:22 PM
Ooh, I like the elbow idea...

JayATee
06-07-2009, 10:24 PM
(407): The bars here don't close until 4!
(703): my legs don't close until 4


Wow...

vmurphy252
06-07-2009, 10:26 PM
Use a rising strike. So that your elbow goes from resting in an arc past your cheek/face so that the flat area on your forearm just above your elbow makes the strike.

I used to have a sensei that taught self defense to women, so a lot of our general SD classes for karate focused on this type of defense. Kind of a unique perspective being a large male, but I loved it. Maybe I can do that: start stripper self defense classes.

vmurphy252
06-07-2009, 10:26 PM
(407): The bars here don't close until 4!
(703): my legs don't close until 4


Wow...

Yeah, I wasn't sure what to make of this one. Wouldn't my legs open at 4 have made more sense?

JayATee
06-07-2009, 10:43 PM
Yeah, I wasn't sure what to make of this one. Wouldn't my legs open at 4 have made more sense?

Yeah that would make more sense... but thats assuming logic had anything to do with it, which I doubt.

vmurphy252
06-08-2009, 09:16 PM
(403) My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.

vmurphy252
06-08-2009, 09:17 PM
(203) my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.

vmurphy252
06-08-2009, 09:19 PM
(571) is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?

vmurphy252
06-08-2009, 09:20 PM
(415) fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.

vmurphy252
06-08-2009, 09:21 PM
(817) is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.

vmurphy252
06-08-2009, 09:22 PM
(858) Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
(504) Mike give steph back her phone.

vmurphy252
06-08-2009, 09:23 PM
(240) Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.

vmurphy252
06-09-2009, 08:36 PM
Today, I walked into the bathroom and found my sister cleaning her vibrator. With my toothbrush. FML

vmurphy252
06-09-2009, 08:37 PM
Today, I found out just how thin the walls at my new student flat are. They are so thin in fact, that I can hear the creepy guy next door say my full name over and over again very slowly whilst masturbating rigorously. FML

vmurphy252
06-09-2009, 08:40 PM
(847) And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
(1-847) I should injure you considerably.

vmurphy252
06-09-2009, 08:42 PM
(352) I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
(352) Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.

vmurphy252
06-09-2009, 08:42 PM
(313) I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
(1-313) Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."

vmurphy252
06-09-2009, 08:43 PM
(972) how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes

vmurphy252
06-09-2009, 08:44 PM
(203) There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
(860) Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head

vmurphy252
06-09-2009, 08:45 PM
WTF?

(530) shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
(1-530) just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
(530) yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.

vmurphy252
06-09-2009, 08:46 PM
(770) We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."

JayATee
06-09-2009, 11:06 PM
WTF?

(530) shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
(1-530) just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
(530) yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.

Umm... wow. Ppl have issues.