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vmurphy252
06-10-2009, 02:14 PM
Today, I heard my daughter scream at my son through the bathroom door "Are you jacking off in there or something?!" and him scream back at her "Shut up you fucking cunt!" My daughter is 7 and my son is 8. FML

vmurphy252
06-10-2009, 02:18 PM
Today, I was alone in my friend's kitchen. I had "Don't Cha" stuck in my head all day so I decided to let it out by doing a slutty dance, including spinning around the support pole in the kitchen. I heard a noise outside and saw my friend's dad had been cleaning the windows. With a boner. FML

vmurphy252
06-10-2009, 02:20 PM
This is so cruel. I like it.

Today, I received the final piece of puzzle that my boyfriend of two years has been sending me through the mail for the last week. Turns out, it wasn't a love letter like I originally thought it was. He was breaking up with me via a puzzle through the mail. FML

vmurphy252
06-10-2009, 02:22 PM
(619) he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?

vmurphy252
06-10-2009, 02:23 PM
I apparently REALLY should have finished my college/young adult experience...

(703) Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick

vmurphy252
06-10-2009, 02:25 PM
(973) yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day

vmurphy252
06-10-2009, 02:25 PM
(917) I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
(518) Huh?
(917) I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.

vmurphy252
06-10-2009, 02:26 PM
(440) Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
(1-440) because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?

vmurphy252
06-10-2009, 02:27 PM
(412) Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
(1-412) Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.

mediocrity
06-10-2009, 04:44 PM
I apparently REALLY should have finished my college/young adult experience...

(703) Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick

hahaha. I love it.

mediocrity
06-10-2009, 04:46 PM
(918): you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
(1-918): Woah.
(918): that's not how you spell hell yes.

I am sitting on my kitchen floor and when I read that, I laughed so hard my room mate heard me on the other side of the apartment.

My apartment is 1200 square feet. That's how loud it was.;D

vmurphy252
06-10-2009, 05:13 PM
And you started it all... at least here.

JayATee
06-11-2009, 12:52 PM
Today, I heard my daughter scream at my son through the bathroom door "Are you jacking off in there or something?!" and him scream back at her "Shut up you fucking cunt!" My daughter is 7 and my son is 8. FML


:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

vmurphy252
06-18-2009, 07:45 PM
Jeez, I'm gone for a week and the thread gets neglected...

Today, I went for a really important job interview. She loved my portfolio and we got along really well. But I guess that a corner of my skirt got caught underneath my shoe when I stood up to shake her hand, exposing my teenytiny underwear and neglected bikini line. She didnt shake my hand back. FML

vmurphy252
06-18-2009, 07:48 PM
Today, I finished the run for a play in which I played a gay man. Now that all the performances are over, I have kissed a man more times in my life than I have kissed a woman. I'm straight. FML

vmurphy252
06-18-2009, 07:50 PM
Today, my mom had one too many and announced to all of my friends that, if she had the opportunity, she would bang Gwen Stefani. FML

vmurphy252
06-18-2009, 07:52 PM
Today, I sprained my wrist playing Guitar Hero. The ER doctor called all of his coworkers in to hear my story. They all laughed. FML

vmurphy252
06-18-2009, 07:54 PM
(818) Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.

vmurphy252
06-18-2009, 07:55 PM
(203) there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...

vmurphy252
06-18-2009, 07:55 PM
(484) he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him

vmurphy252
06-18-2009, 07:56 PM
(608) i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.

vmurphy252
06-18-2009, 07:57 PM
I think a little bit of my soul just died...

(845) If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.

vmurphy252
06-18-2009, 07:58 PM
(614) she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny

vmurphy252
06-18-2009, 07:58 PM
Don't take this one out on me.

(440) Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.

vmurphy252
06-18-2009, 07:59 PM
(908) Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"

vmurphy252
06-18-2009, 08:00 PM
(509) I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
(1-509) talent.

vmurphy252
06-18-2009, 08:00 PM
(662) I can't believe you blew on her face.
(1-662) I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.

vmurphy252
06-18-2009, 08:01 PM
(604) a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
(604) unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.

vmurphy252
06-18-2009, 08:02 PM
(252) I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck

vmurphy252
06-18-2009, 08:03 PM
(813) Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person

vmurphy252
06-18-2009, 08:05 PM
(856) I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.

callista
06-18-2009, 08:07 PM
Don't take this one out on me.

(440) Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.

omg this has already made my night.... that's funny shit!

then again, i always think that the daddy issues are funny cuz my dad and i are very very close.... if he doesn't like a man, the man is gone. he really likes the one i have now.... maybe too much, they gang up on picking on me. :D

vmurphy252
06-18-2009, 08:08 PM
(901) Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
(376) you are insane

vmurphy252
06-18-2009, 08:08 PM
Why's this funny?

(773): i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me

vmurphy252
06-18-2009, 08:09 PM
(407) I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."

vmurphy252
06-18-2009, 08:10 PM
(630) is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
(815) that's gum

vmurphy252
06-18-2009, 08:10 PM
(703) She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper

vmurphy252
06-18-2009, 08:11 PM
(207) I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
(617) We call that spaghetti Os

vmurphy252
06-18-2009, 08:12 PM
(480) So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.

vmurphy252
06-18-2009, 08:12 PM
(812) My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

vmurphy252
06-18-2009, 08:14 PM
(858) i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
(720) yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures

vmurphy252
06-18-2009, 08:14 PM
(216) Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?

vmurphy252
06-18-2009, 08:18 PM
(352) I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.

vmurphy252
06-18-2009, 08:20 PM
(843) happy early fathers day!!!
(829) im not a father
(843) about that...

vmurphy252
06-18-2009, 08:21 PM
(484) New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport

vmurphy252
06-18-2009, 08:27 PM
(703) fucking a dude
(703) i mean: fucking a, dude
(703) wow, that comma made all the difference there

vmurphy252
06-18-2009, 08:29 PM
(901) i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."

vmurphy252
06-18-2009, 08:30 PM
(281) I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.

vmurphy252
06-18-2009, 08:31 PM
(646) how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?

vmurphy252
06-18-2009, 08:32 PM
(732) wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?