View Full Version : I totally have to share with all of you...
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vmurphy252
07-05-2009, 12:15 PM
(608) You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
(1-608) I like taco bell too
vmurphy252
07-05-2009, 12:16 PM
(845) I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
vmurphy252
07-05-2009, 12:17 PM
(775) If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
vmurphy252
07-05-2009, 12:38 PM
Go fix me a turkey pot pie.
Today, was my birthday. After hinting for almost 2 months for a Wii, my dad pulls out a shiny new Wii Package. The only problem? The box didn't have a Wii in it. My dad gave me a Wii box with my VCR inside and a note saying "This is life. Once you think you're happy, someone crushes it". FML
JayATee
07-08-2009, 12:43 AM
^ Wow that's harsh!
vmurphy252
07-08-2009, 02:01 PM
(617) My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
vmurphy252
07-08-2009, 02:02 PM
(214) I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
vmurphy252
07-08-2009, 02:04 PM
(617) i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
(508) i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
TrixieFire
07-08-2009, 02:06 PM
(720) Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You better log on and get yours before Homewreckingwhore is taken
HAHAHHAA
xdamage
07-08-2009, 08:10 PM
(720) Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You better log on and get yours before Homewreckingwhore is taken
HAHAHHAA
Not a problem. Homewreckingwhore666, Homewreckingwhore1, and Homewreckingwhore427 are still available.
vmurphy252
07-09-2009, 08:20 PM
(402) giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
vmurphy252
07-09-2009, 08:20 PM
(480) so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
vmurphy252
07-09-2009, 08:21 PM
(703) I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
vmurphy252
07-09-2009, 08:24 PM
(925) If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
vmurphy252
07-09-2009, 08:26 PM
The dangers of being uncircumsized that you don't hear about...
Today, I gave my boyfriend a spontaneous blowjob while we were watching TV. After he finished, I tried to pull a sexy move I'd seen in a porno by zipping his pants back up with my teeth. His foreskin got caught in the zipper and we spent the next few hours in the emergency room. FML
vmurphy252
07-22-2009, 01:58 PM
(763) there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
^Doesn't this mean guys would have to wash everything?
vmurphy252
07-22-2009, 02:00 PM
(334) I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
vmurphy252
07-22-2009, 02:03 PM
(816) Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Lemonz
08-15-2009, 02:35 PM
I had to share this with someone....
(519) : and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
JayATee
08-15-2009, 04:48 PM
^ :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:
Omg.... Omg that's the best! That one is the best one so far!!!!
JayATee
09-23-2009, 05:05 PM
Im reviving this. ;D
(954): I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
(909): do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
(760): and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
vmurphy252
09-23-2009, 05:08 PM
^It has been a while...
vmurphy252
09-24-2009, 09:09 AM
(209): I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
JayATee
09-24-2009, 12:21 PM
(608): Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
vmurphy252
09-24-2009, 08:49 PM
(812) i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
vmurphy252
09-24-2009, 08:52 PM
(803) I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
vmurphy252
09-24-2009, 08:56 PM
(401) and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
JayATee
09-24-2009, 08:56 PM
(812) i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
And my wonderful husband says... "but they are tho". :rotfl:
vmurphy252
09-24-2009, 08:59 PM
^I like your husband. I'm just glad the frequencies don't match; flowers happen less than blowjobs at my house...
vmurphy252
09-24-2009, 09:01 PM
(310) u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Elvia
09-24-2009, 09:02 PM
Hey...flowers DO happen less than blowjobs! What's up with that?!
vmurphy252
09-24-2009, 09:03 PM
For you, goth girl:
(573) I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
(573) Found more tequila
vmurphy252
09-24-2009, 09:03 PM
Hey...flowers DO happen less than blowjobs! What's up with that?!
They're more expensive?
Elvia
09-24-2009, 09:05 PM
I will demand jewelry from now on.
vmurphy252
09-24-2009, 09:08 PM
^You're going the wrong way...
JayATee
09-24-2009, 09:13 PM
^I like your husband. I'm just glad the frequencies don't match; flowers happen less than blowjobs at my house...
Flowers NEVER happen at mine lol
vmurphy252
09-24-2009, 09:15 PM
Today, the weird receptionist at the hotel I'm staying at asked me if I needed an extra blanket because I "looked cold in my sleep last night". FML
vmurphy252
09-24-2009, 09:16 PM
Actually, that may prompt me.
I DID try and find a card for the pregnancy, and I could not find one that was for a father-to-be to a mother-to-be....
vmurphy252
09-24-2009, 09:20 PM
Gonna be in Hurley, NY, and Colebrook, CT, in two weeks...
With my wife.
JayATee
09-24-2009, 10:48 PM
(313): I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
vmurphy252
09-24-2009, 10:51 PM
^I was gonna post that one, but thought it would reflect badly on me...
I'll just say Ariel, Belle, and Jasmine...
JayATee
09-24-2009, 11:21 PM
^ Yeah snow white probably didnt have to worry about it, they were all dwarfs. ;)
Djoser
09-25-2009, 12:55 AM
^I like your husband. I'm just glad the frequencies don't match; flowers happen less than blowjobs at my house...
I'd try buying a few more flowers and see what happens. ;D
I used to keep a couple of ex's in flowers. Another one was in Canada, the logistics weren't good. The other requested it be an occasional thing, so I obliged her. You don't have to be extravagant, sometimes a single carnation says everything you need to say, and they last 2-3 days.
OK sorry, I will return you to your regularly scheduled humor now...
vmurphy252
09-25-2009, 05:57 AM
^ Yeah snow white probably didnt have to worry about it, they were all dwarfs. ;)
That's not very nice...
vmurphy252
09-25-2009, 05:58 AM
I'd try buying a few more flowers and see what happens. ;D
I used to keep a couple of ex's in flowers. Another one was in Canada, the logistics weren't good. The other requested it be an occasional thing, so I obliged her. You don't have to be extravagant, sometimes a single carnation says everything you need to say, and they last 2-3 days.
OK sorry, I will return you to your regularly scheduled humor now...
My tongue is firmly implanted in my cheek. My wife and I are more than fine with our current arrangements... ;D
princessjas
09-25-2009, 08:41 AM
^I like your husband. I'm just glad the frequencies don't match; flowers happen less than blowjobs at my house...
If blowjobs are like flowers, I've sooo been getting overlooked. BJ's used to be a daily thing in my house (before marriage tanked), flowers were like once every 3 or 4 years. Hmm, this must be fixed in future relationships. ;D I thinkie, the barter system may be instated, now that I know the value of BJ's to a guy. Knowledge is power. hehe
vmurphy252
09-25-2009, 08:50 AM
My apologies to your next guy for implanting these thoughts... doesn't affect me though! ;)
JayATee
09-25-2009, 09:03 AM
(678): His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum
vmurphy252
09-25-2009, 09:08 AM
^But wouldn't a king be impressive?
lemmiwinks31
09-25-2009, 09:40 AM
^ Yeah snow white probably didnt have to worry about it, they were all dwarfs. ;)
I dont know....I heard Dopey was hung like a shetland pony. Grumpy wasnt too happy about it.