View Full Version : Is it rape? I don't know what to tell her.
Perry
06-12-2009, 06:41 PM
We don't like to be lumped in with prostitutes. What is so hard to understand about that? While a lot of us don't have any problems with prostitution itself, and even think it should be legal - it's not something we do. And it's getting offensive! We set our boundries and fight hard to keep them every night we work. It's kind of a big deal to us where we draw our lines. So for someone to come here and call it all the same thing, we get pissed.
How would you feel if I said campus security and mall cops were pretty much identical to the police? That you're all in the same industry, so you're all pretty much the same.
Golden_Rule
06-12-2009, 09:12 PM
We don't like to be lumped in with prostitutes. What is so hard to understand about that? While a lot of us don't have any problems with prostitution itself, and even think it should be legal - it's not something we do. And it's getting offensive! We set our boundries and fight hard to keep them every night we work. It's kind of a big deal to us where we draw our lines. So for someone to come here and call it all the same thing, we get pissed.
How would you feel if I said campus security and mall cops were pretty much identical to the police? That you're all in the same industry, so you're all pretty much the same.
I wouldn't like it if that was what was being said, but that isn't what I am saying.
I am NOT saying that the work is the same. I am saying that dancers and prostitutes and promoters who have private parties where sex may be taking place have a common enemy in so called "decent" people who would lump all of us together and whip us all with the same lash. So I am suggesting that it behooves us not to throw stones at each other because there are enough "decent" people doing that already that we don't need to add to each others grief by insisting on a "sex workers pecking order".
To me that just sounds like a common sense approach to our common difficulties.
Naida
06-13-2009, 09:38 AM
Since they've been in a serious relationship for so long, I would not call the first couple of times rape. Personally, I've always found it pretty endearing/romantic to wake up to a boyfriend making love to me. But if you tell them at ANY point to stop or that it upsets you, it becomes RAPE. Not just ethically speaking, but in terms of the LAW.
As far as I'm concerned, I wouldn't even worry about moving. I would talk to a lawyer and press charges.
tinydancer85
06-13-2009, 05:26 PM
My best friend had this happen to her (sex in sleep) she told her therapist about this a professional told her that what happened to her was indeed rape. If you are not conscious to decide if you want to have sex (yes or no) then it is rape. plain and simple. She needs to go talk to someone to realize that whats going on with her bf is not right and that she needs to get rid of him ASAP!
tinydancer85
06-13-2009, 05:27 PM
Also I should add to my post my best friend had this happen to her with her fiance...
Golden_Rule
06-15-2009, 03:14 PM
My best friend had this happen to her (sex in sleep) she told her therapist about this a professional told her that what happened to her was indeed rape. If you are not conscious to decide if you want to have sex (yes or no) then it is rape. plain and simple. She needs to go talk to someone to realize that whats going on with her bf is not right and that she needs to get rid of him ASAP!
I would politely suggest that it isn't an invasion between people of long standing together until one person says "knock it off", which was definitely the case in the OP's intial thread.
If we take yours above than a loving act of awaking a sleeping partner, who then totally consents to having the act continue, with a sexual act is also rape.
Again, if it is done and the partner says s/he doesn't like it and wants it to stop, totally different story, but would you say that every woman who ever awoke her boyfriend/husband/lover with a blow-job was committing an act of sexual assault providing he, in fully informed consent, went with it when he was clear headed enough to give consent?
Perry
06-15-2009, 04:25 PM
^^ Actually, yeah. When Mr. Perry and I first moved in together, I asked if I could wake him up with a blow job - and he said no. He wouldn't like it. So, even though I think it would be a nice thing to do, and if he didn't like it he could just thump me in the head, tell me to knock it off and roll over - it would be wrong for me to do it. And while I'm not about to assualt the man or justify any unwanted sexual encounter, a BJ (or almost any woman to a full grown man scenerio) is easier to stop than sex on an unwilling woman.
It's in the same vein as having sex with someone, and then starting to jab something in their ass - you should get permission before attempting any new sexual act. It's not okay to have a go at sleeping people, drunk passed-out folks or anyone too impaired or disabled to communicate properly regardless of your standing with them.
Golden_Rule
06-15-2009, 05:16 PM
^^ Actually, yeah. When Mr. Perry and I first moved in together, I asked if I could wake him up with a blow job - and he said no. He wouldn't like it. So, even though I think it would be a nice thing to do, and if he didn't like it he could just thump me in the head, tell me to knock it off and roll over - it would be wrong for me to do it. And while I'm not about to assualt the man or justify any unwanted sexual encounter, a BJ (or almost any woman to a full grown man scenerio) is easier to stop than sex on an unwilling woman.
It's in the same vein as having sex with someone, and then starting to jab something in their ass - you should get permission before attempting any new sexual act. It's not okay to have a go at sleeping people, drunk passed-out folks or anyone too impaired or disabled to communicate properly regardless of your standing with them.
You need to read more closely IF you think my post disagreed with what you said above.
ALL my post suggested is that we don't lump ALL acts together so that CONSENTING acts of a loving nature get dumped in with UNWANTED acts.
verfolgung
06-15-2009, 06:07 PM
Why does it seem like so many people are missing a critical point to this story - SHE WAS A VICTIM OF PAST SEXUAL ASSAULTS!
What kind of a selfish unsensitive partner would take a chance pulling this type of thing when knowing full well about her history? So while some might think that in other cases the first time could be written off as playful kinkyness, until informed otherwise .... in THIS case the FIRST time was RAPE!
Golden_Rule
06-15-2009, 07:24 PM
Why does it seem like so many people are missing a critical point to this story - SHE WAS A VICTIM OF PAST SEXUAL ASSAULTS!
That is a legit point any caring lover/boyfriend/husband should have taken into consideration.
Naida
06-16-2009, 08:09 PM
I'm a "victim" (hate that word, because I consider myself STRONGER for what happened) of sexual assault and molestation. I have never hid this fact, nor will I do so. Because I am open about my experiences, and truthfully proud of the end result of them (first attacker was imprisoned for his crimes against me), several other girls I know have been able to admit what happened to them without shame and, at the very least, find support dealing with it.
Even though every guy I've been serious enough with to actually let stay the night with me has known, several of them have still woken me with sex. I don't find that wrong, because all of them either continued when I woke and "got into it" or promptly (albeit a bit disappointed at times) stopped when I told them to quit.
I don't think past experience should have a huge bearing on current events, unless it was expressed beforehand that they would or the experience is still fresh.
mariegolden
07-09-2013, 02:36 PM
I've lost friendships over issues like this. I don't want to be friends with a guy (or woman) who is abusing their mate, and even though I am willing to help/ offer advice, I don't want to be friends with someone who stays in the situation when they have the opportunity to leave. I start losing respect for them.
I know it is difficult, but when they choose to voluntarily stay in the situation, they lose thir right to complain about it. That's just me though.
That is a really, really shitty thing to do to people who are being abused, and I want to remind you that YOU DON'T KNOW. Even if you have been abused and left. You are not in their shoes. That is one of the things abusers count on in isolating their victims.
It can be a really destructive situation even for people who are not directly involved, so recognizing that you need to take care of yourself first is cool. But if you can, be a lifeline for your friend. You might want to get the authorities involved- by which I mean the cops(if you are threatened or a witness), social workers(DSS) and/or RAINN, the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network. RAINN will help you help someone safely.
OP: This is textbook rape and abuse. Threatening to destroy personal property alone puts him waaaaaay over the line. One option for her could be changing the locks while he's gone and having the police meet him when he comes home with his stuff. She shouldn't have to choose between her cats and her safety, and she should be aware that her cats may be in danger from him. I agree with boarding them until the situation has settled. She really needs to talk to people who know more than us, starting with RAINN- I was a sexual assault crisis counselor, but right now I'm just some girl on the internet.
I wish you and your friend luck. I'll be praying for you.
mariegolden
07-09-2013, 02:46 PM
I'm good at reading the whole thread! I'm really glad he moved out, and that she's in therapy- I'm very sorry she feels like she might be guilty at all in this, or that she's responsible for protecting him.
slowpoke
07-09-2013, 02:58 PM
What is the statutory definition in the relevant jurisdiction?
Kellydancer
07-09-2013, 03:36 PM
Why was this thread bumped? I must have missed it the first time but yes it is rape. However many of these posters are no long here so we won't know how it ended.