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erotictonic
09-29-2009, 02:35 PM
No, most men are faithful, I think. In fact, I don't know many cheaters, (I know of one and he's not around anymore). The men I know choose to date women because they want to be with them. And if they aren't ready to be monogamous, even the worst ones I know won't lie about it.

Sure, they think about having sex with other women. But I think about other men and women on occasion too. I look at porn on occasion. It doesn't matter to me what he is thinking, as long as he is dedicated to me and this relationship. I expect honesty in my relationships. I give it and I get it.

bexxx
09-29-2009, 03:44 PM
No, most men are faithful, I think. In fact, I don't know many cheaters, (I know of one and he's not around anymore). The men I know choose to date women because they want to be with them. And if they aren't ready to be monogamous, even the worst ones I know won't lie about it.

Sure, they think about having sex with other women. But I think about other men and women on occasion too. I look at porn on occasion. It doesn't matter to me what he is thinking, as long as he is dedicated to me and this relationship. I expect honesty in my relationships. I give it and I get it.


lol i dont want to sound rude or anything but I think youre trying to see the best in people too much and the statement 'most men are faithful' is a HUGE statement to make, I'd say.

erotictonic
09-29-2009, 04:02 PM
lol i dont want to sound rude or anything but I think youre trying to see the best in people too much and the statement 'most men are faithful' is a HUGE statement to make, I'd say.


It's about who one chooses to surround themselves with. If I only choose to surround myself with men who are cheaters, then I am probably going to think most men are. If I choose to only surround myself with men who aren't, I am prob going to lean more the other way. I know a lot of really good people.

You are probably right, given the statistics though. Just a lot of men I know are very dedicated to their families and careers. And they show no signs whatsoever of a character flaw or I wouldn't be here lol.

Look at this though http://www.menstuff.org/issues/byissue/infidelitystats.html Pretty nasty.

No, I don't think you're being rude, everyone's entitled to their own opinions, of course. :)

Genngi
09-30-2009, 12:18 PM
We also need to consider exactly what we are considering cheating, seeing all of our views probably differ from each others.

junigirl
09-30-2009, 02:25 PM
If a guy chooses to stay close friends with other guys who are cheating on their gf/wife(and the guy has knowledge of the friend's cheating behaviors), it could mean that he is ok with the behavior. And it could mean that he is likely to cheat too or the friend's behaviors and values rub off onto him...and then he himself becomes a cheater because he sees friends doing it and thinks it's cool or ok or pardonable thing to do. People hanging out with each other tend to adopt eachother's ways of thought, etc.

My last guy I dated, his friends were cheating and doing shady activity. He ended up being a cheater too. See, it rubs off.

Not all guys cheat. You just need to find someone who clearly wants an only monogamous relationship, someone who values a monogamous relationship. You will find that in someone who also has other good strong values, ethics, morals. It's hard to find that, because most people are out for themselves, but some people are very good people and for reasons of either karma, good upbringing, etc, their happiness and good conscience depends on being a good person as much as they can. It's harder to find really truly socially conscious people...but i think those type of people, or people who do volunteering, or have an activist nature, might be less likely to be cheater because they have generally good values to begin with?

I think that cheating in a relationship that was agreed to be monogamous is a criminal act. Except in America for example, the legal system isn't advanced or whatever enough to have some kind of system of fines for cheaters, or send them to jail, or public embarassment. Maybe it's because cheating etc is harder to prove? Cheating is like scamming someone. If we scammed people on money, we could go to jail. But scamming someone emotionally (by cheating on them), unfortunately no jail sentence. Darn! except maybe more alimony in divorce settlements.

I think people need to make sure to have a sit-down talk at the beginning of when their relationship gets serious, and ask each other if they want an open relationship or a monogamous relationship. And then tell them well if you think someone down the road, when we're having disputes, or the bedroom gets a little boring, that are they going to both work on solving their disputes and spicing up the bedroom or their date nights, or instead just run away from the problems, don't bother putting in energy to make things beautiful, and get some fulfilmment one-night-stand or video cam dirty stuff...and ignore their partner? I think it's when people run away from each other rather than trying to make the garden beautiful by doing the pruning, the planting, picking the weeds...that's when relationships break up, when there's cheating. I guess make it clear to each other that when problems arise or relationship gets stagnant, you two will work on it and not find a band-aid pseudo-quick-fix one-night-stand cheating.
I wish people would be more honest with each other...like if they think they won't be happy being with the same person the rest of their life, and might want variety, then they shouuld just agree on an open relationship from the beginning. That way nobody's feelings will get hurt. And I wish that let's say that a couple starts off their relationship believing they both want to be monogamous, but then 10 years later they want someone else in their lives on the side. I think if that's truly truly what they need, they need to have a talk, the person with the interest needs to do the right thing, and speak up, and sit down and say hey I want to see someone else but still be with you...maybe we can have an open relationship, both of us allowed to see others on the side but we still remain together? Then if one of the partners feels it's not for him/her, they can't accept their partner screwing someone else, and they don't want an open relationship whatsoever, then they can split up. It might be harder this way, but I think it's better than hurting someone even more by cheating on them, sneaking around, etc. I wish everyone could have open dialogue like this.
As far as me, I think with every new serious relationship I get to, i'm going to ask the guy if we agree on being monogamous or open relationship, and if we start off monogamous but then a year or two down the line want to see others on the side, then we must both transition to an open relationship, or split up. No secret affairs on the side, because that drives me nuts bit time and has caused me much pain in the past. I like relationships with full honesty and integrity, even though it is hard to be very moral like that and do the right thing.

SeriousBusiness
09-30-2009, 07:10 PM
Not all men cheat, but most of them. My husband has no interest in sex what so ever. I MAYBE get it twice a month. (god, it is annoying) But he had to go out of his way and 'plan' to have sex on a day in order to work himself into the mood. So the chance that he will meet a girl and want to jump her bones is very low. :) Good for me, bad for me. I have also known quite a few guys that simply bump the girl to the curb if they find something that sparks their interest a little more.

Unfortunately, this doesn't make you immune. My boyfriend is the same way. He's had a low sex drive all his life. After ten years, he finlly cheated on me for the first time with his long lost ex girlfriend. I think he had to prove to himself that he was manly and sexual, like other men. Like he was feeling that something was wrong with him for not being a sex freak and had to see if he still "had it".
I just found out about their affair two weeks ago and I am alternately devastated/hating him and trying to save the relationship.
It's the lying that kills the relationship. If he lied about this, what else has he lied about? How can I be sure it will never happen again? There's no security anymore.
It also makes you feel insecure about your looks.I'm a tall, curvy brunette with big boobs, and she's a tiny, fragile, waifish blonde. Does he wish I was a tiny waifish blonde too? I haven't danced in almost two years. Does he think of me as sexless now, like a frumpy housewife, while she's all exciting and new?
Cheating is just the worst. Like everyone else said, have an open relationship, break up first, or stay monogamous. No blurring the lines.

Cheyanne
10-02-2009, 06:31 AM
You can't generalize...It all depends on the situation.

If he's not getting what he needs...he will find it elsewhere (just like women).

Relationships don't necessarily last forever. Some relationships have a lifecyle...particularly sexual relationships between men and women.

Enjoy each day to the best of your ability and circumstances....there will never be another one like it.

Don't depend on another person for your happiness...you will eventually be let down...we are all fallible.

princessjas
10-02-2009, 08:40 AM
Unfortunately, this doesn't make you immune. My boyfriend is the same way. He's had a low sex drive all his life. After ten years, he finlly cheated on me for the first time with his long lost ex girlfriend. I think he had to prove to himself that he was manly and sexual, like other men. Like he was feeling that something was wrong with him for not being a sex freak and had to see if he still "had it".
I just found out about their affair two weeks ago and I am alternately devastated/hating him and trying to save the relationship.
It's the lying that kills the relationship. If he lied about this, what else has he lied about? How can I be sure it will never happen again? There's no security anymore.
It also makes you feel insecure about your looks.I'm a tall, curvy brunette with big boobs, and she's a tiny, fragile, waifish blonde. Does he wish I was a tiny waifish blonde too? I haven't danced in almost two years. Does he think of me as sexless now, like a frumpy housewife, while she's all exciting and new?
Cheating is just the worst. Like everyone else said, have an open relationship, break up first, or stay monogamous. No blurring the lines.

I completely agree about this! I found out years ago that my husband lied about something small, completely unrelated to cheating, but I never really trusted him with money issues again. I didn't believe a word he said after that. I still clearly remember having a discussion with him afterwards and thinking to myself "how much of this is the truth? What is he lying about this time?"

With cheating, I really do think it's the lying and deceit that is what destroys things. As I've said over and over, I really don't care about sex, but decieving me?? That would really, really hurt. I value the feeling of security that honesty creates more than anything else.

JayATee
10-04-2009, 09:04 PM
lol i dont want to sound rude or anything but I think youre trying to see the best in people too much and the statement 'most men are faithful' is a HUGE statement to make, I'd say.

I agree. All my life I've only known 2....

Happycat
10-04-2009, 09:46 PM
Everyone is capable of making mistakes, everyone has done something terrible in their time. Nobody is totally innocent. I've cheated, but I am not a cheater. (I define "cheater" as someone who does it intentionally and consistently without remorse.) It's not something I am proud of, nor do I condone. It happened, it's part of my past, I know it was wrong. But I can admit that I made that mistake and hope I'm not judged too harshly because of it.

As for "being friends with cheaters means you are ok with it" that's bullshit. People are friends with eachother for different reasons. Some of my friends are only really useful for offering amusement and enjoyment. Some are more reliable and would let me crash in their apartment for weeks until I sort my shit out. Others are good for giving really awesome advice. Whatever the case, they all have their issues. It is not fair to judge anybody based on some shitty thing they've done or continue to do. It's not ok, but it's also not my business what they do unless it directly involves me or I'm dragged into it somehow.

I think the only thing that negates that is if they primarily hang out with players who flaunt it, since those types of people tend to flock together. I would hope that those types are easily identifiable and avoided. People who date that type and then cry and act like they didn't see it coming make me want to backhand them.

Elvia
10-04-2009, 09:55 PM
I wonder if this has much to do with the regional cultures? I would actually guess that most men are faithful. But then, Portland is such a leftist place, it's considered pretty primitive for guys to give into what's considered typical male faults ( and Portlanders, above all else, want to be the antithesis of what's "typical" everywhere else). I think Portlanders like to feel that they're more sensitive and evolved than others, So cheating isn't going to be so acceptable amongst other guys. In other places, I get the sense there's often more of a "bro's stick together" attitude that allows guys to get away with that and still be accepted, even admired sometimes, amongst other guys. We'd all rather just call ourselves polyamorous and be open about our philandering:P

Elvia
10-04-2009, 10:04 PM
As for "being friends with cheaters means you are ok with it" that's bullshit. People are friends with eachother for different reasons. Some of my friends are only really useful for offering amusement and enjoyment. Some are more reliable and would let me crash in their apartment for weeks until I sort my shit out. Others are good for giving really awesome advice. Whatever the case, they all have their issues. It is not fair to judge anybody based on some shitty thing they've done or continue to do. It's not ok, but it's also not my business what they do unless it directly involves me or I'm dragged into it somehow.


I respectfully disagree with this. I can understand not judging someone according to something that happened in the past and is now firmly a part of their past, but how is it unfair to judge someone according to the behavior they continue to take part in? Or that they just blatantly accept as an ok thing to do? I don't know if I'd consider being a serial cheater to be an "issue." That's not someone who's dealing with issues, that's just a run of the mill asshole! It may not be my business to try and control what others do, but it's certainly my business who I continue to be friends with. I don't think I'd be comfortable being friends with someone who makes a habit of continually mistreating their partners. I do tend to judge a man by the company he keeps. I wouldn't stick by a guy who was comfortable being friends with habitual cheaters. It would suggest that perhaps that behavior is somehow more acceptable to him. Similarly, someone who holds others to a higher moral standard probably shares those standards himself.

erotictonic
10-05-2009, 02:42 AM
I agree. All my life I've only known 2....

That's prob because you are one yourself. People who don't cheat, don't tend to hang with those who do.



As for "being friends with cheaters means you are ok with it" that's bullshit. People are friends with eachother for different reasons. Some of my friends are only really useful for offering amusement and enjoyment. Some are more reliable and would let me crash in their apartment for weeks until I sort my shit out. Others are good for giving really awesome advice. Whatever the case, they all have their issues. It is not fair to judge anybody based on some shitty thing they've done or continue to do. It's not ok, but it's also not my business what they do unless it directly involves me or I'm dragged into it somehow.



I think one person who is not can be friends with someone who is a cheater, but I don't think the relationship will grow into anything good. Too many differences. People who have attained non-cheating status generally don't have as much in common with a cheater as another cheater. It's more complicated to me than just "cheater". Cheater denotes a certain character type. I don't generally want to be screwed so I don't deal with cheaters. If they cheat and lie to their mates, why not me? I deserve better than to hang out with a cheater. Also, there are too many friends out there I can have where I don't have to deal with those aspects in the relationship. Easier and more comfortable for both of us. I used to be one, and I know what I was like. They generally don't want to be around me either, because I would probably end up telling their mate. So it works out that way. Birds of a feather flock together! Cheaters need to be validated by other cheaters, and most of them want to believe most people are cheaters. They don't want to see themselves as the piece of shit they really are. Then they might have to change.

bexxx
10-07-2009, 08:13 AM
That's prob because you are one yourself. People who don't cheat, don't tend to hang with those who do.


I think thats silly. I havent ever cheated and I dont agree with it atall however I wouldnt get rid of my friend because she was cheating on her boyfriend or whatever, Id tell her I didnt agree but shes my friend and what she does is her business.
Youre saying that like its a general truth but generally people pick and keep their friends on how they are to them not their relationships with other people.

peachplumpear
10-12-2009, 04:24 PM
It goes both ways for me and my boyfriend. We BOTH get nervous if the other one is consorting with known cheaters.

For example- 2 out of the 3 married guys that came into town for a bachelor party were looking for tail at the bars, and when they came home empty handed, they went onto craigslist for hookers. I was upset until he reassured me that these are not HIS buddies but buddies of the groom mainly.

Also- I have a couple dancer friends that have made no secret about their extracurricular activities involving money for sex. My boyfriend gets upset when I make plans with these girls and I know better than to spend all night out with them.

So, the company you keep can ruin your reputation whethr you actually cheat or not...it puts the idea out there that it is OK.

erotictonic
10-12-2009, 07:41 PM
I think thats silly. I havent ever cheated and I dont agree with it atall however I wouldnt get rid of my friend because she was cheating on her boyfriend or whatever, Id tell her I didnt agree but shes my friend and what she does is her business.
Youre saying that like its a general truth but generally people pick and keep their friends on how they are to them not their relationships with other people.


Interesting.... thanks for responding, because I generally do try to keep an open mind to all perspectives, and enjoy hearing people who don't agree with me. Sometimes it changes my mind.

In my circles, for the most part, there aren't any cheaters. There are people who date multiple people, but they make sure they all know it. And if there is one amidst, I am sure they will be called out. There is a "code", a set of rules to live by (that of course, people choose to do in the first place), and if someone breaks it, there is trust that must be re-earned. There's a lot to lose there. I like for my relationships to be close and tight.

I'm not saying there aren't times when cheaters are in the circles, but everyone knows it and they don't last very long or get very far.... they're generally denigrated to "acquaintance", on "watch" status, and/or ousted at some point. There's too much to lose and a code to uphold.

People who have a lot to lose don't want to be charged with "guilt by association". Nor do they want to be cheated on themselves.... cheater generally means dirty in other ways as well. Not too much in common with people who are living by the code.....

So yes, in my life, it's true. Doesn't mean it is for everyone though. But it's pretty common for people to band together to oust the trouble-makers.

bexxx
10-13-2009, 02:06 PM
Interesting.... thanks for responding, because I generally do try to keep an open mind to all perspectives, and enjoy hearing people who don't agree with me. Sometimes it changes my mind.

In my circles, for the most part, there aren't any cheaters. There are people who date multiple people, but they make sure they all know it. And if there is one amidst, I am sure they will be called out. There is a "code", a set of rules to live by (that of course, people choose to do in the first place), and if someone breaks it, there is trust that must be re-earned. There's a lot to lose there. I like for my relationships to be close and tight.

I'm not saying there aren't times when cheaters are in the circles, but everyone knows it and they don't last very long or get very far.... they're generally denigrated to "acquaintance", on "watch" status, and/or ousted at some point. There's too much to lose and a code to uphold.

People who have a lot to lose don't want to be charged with "guilt by association". Nor do they want to be cheated on themselves.... cheater generally means dirty in other ways as well. Not too much in common with people who are living by the code.....

So yes, in my life, it's true. Doesn't mean it is for everyone though. But it's pretty common for people to band together to oust the trouble-makers.

I havent much to say.. all of that seems soo different than the people I know...noone I know goes by codes or downgrades their friends to acquaintance because they cheated on someone else. But different things work for different peope i personally couldnt be bothered to be that judgemental.

taylormadison
10-13-2009, 04:02 PM
My guess is most men cheat.

erotictonic
10-13-2009, 04:29 PM
IMO, cheating exposes a character flaw, and for me character is the number one most important thing in a friend, boyfriend, whatever. I am a philosophy major which probably has something to do with it, but I believe that the best friendships and relationships are those that inspire you to be a better person.... even Aristotle says a rational human being should give up his friend if he is unable to save him, since "what is evil neither can nor should be loved." I don't mean to say that I am perfectly virtuous or possess a flawless character, but that is even more the reason not to associate with those that have fundamental character flaws.

Agreed. Character is #1 with me too. I'm probably the most anal-retentive person about it in my circles. If you aren't strong enough, you may get pulled in yourself! I actually had to hang on for dear life to get out, so.... no thanks. Thank God I was able to choose the right people.... they took me in when I had no home to go to, and they helped nurture me to health. There are some awesome people in this world, it just takes looking for them.

Yes, I too only have relationships that inspire me to be a better person. Enrichment and growth is the goal!

As far as being judgmental, I admit to being judgmental, about who I think is right for me, to be in my life, at this point. I'm going to do what's best for me. I have responsibility for myself. My friends expect that from me. I expect that from me. I give everyone the benefit of the doubt, and I give people a chance, always. But if they prove they aren't right for me and mine, then there's nowhere to go.... and I think most of them would also agree.

There are people in our circles that need help... there's no doubt. But they know the #1 priority is that they try to help themselves.

As far as monogamy is concerned, I've been around the block a few times, and I always end with the same result... that I prefer to be in a monogamous relationship. Although human beings might be driven toward fucking everything that moves lol (especially some), I also think human beings have the ability to control their impulses and to think. And after weighing the pros/cons, alot prefer the peace, stability, and security of being in a monogamous relationship. It's a choice.

Deini
10-16-2009, 10:15 AM
yes. most men (good men or not) when offered the chance they will take it. Some do go looking. But there are others who are perfectly fine to be with you-but this factors in his/your age, respect, future goals, clear consequences, intimacy, compatibility, influences, freedom and trust. Understand that he is a man and will still look, and even desire another woman-but what makes him different than the cheater is that he is fully aware of (all that is stated above) and is not prepared to gamble.

As for by association, I will never judge or stick my nose up on the air at someone who cheats or cheated in the past-friend or not. To me my interest in someone is for who they are, why they do what they do, and most importantly what influence they have on me and my life. If someone has a good effect on me-then the choices they make in their lives is theirs to make, it is not my place to judge. My Morals can be grey at times, but I’ve been and see enough in my life to understand that humans are far from perfect.

I’ve associated with drug dealers, mobsters, cheaters, prostitutes, murderers-and most of these people have done things that are unforgivable, but to me they have been so good, become more than inspiration in my life. Now, tell me, do you think I’m the same?

Sure, there are people I will never associate myself with, and that is only if they hurt me far too much and do nothing but drag me down with them. or do things because they want to see others in pain, destroy something that is pure, or is just plain evil/naive with no human explanation for their actions.


Enjoy each day to the best of your ability and circumstances....there will never be another one like it.

Don't depend on another person for your happiness...you will eventually be let down...we are all fallible.

I swear my life by this.

justifymylove
10-16-2009, 03:24 PM
Although human beings might be driven toward fucking everything that moves lol (especially some), I also think human beings have the ability to control their impulses and to think. And after weighing the pros/cons, alot prefer the peace, stability, and security of being in a monogamous relationship. It's a choice.

Funny, I prefer the peace, stability and security of a non-monogamous relationship :)

I think the difficulty of truly being friends with someone who cheats is that likely, you also become friends with the person they're cheating on and this can result in awkward ethical situations for you. You are sometimes put in the position of covering for them or at the very least, keeping silent about what you know. This is too much involvement for most people, so it does seem to end up that those who do and those who don't or wouldn't run in different circles.

@ferox re: character... that's an interesting take. I don't think having cheated exposes a character flaw necessarily, to me it depends more on your awareness of your actions and your ability to take responsibility and change. But I guess such a conclusion would depend on whether you think character is fixed and perhaps whether cheating is inherently immoral or just unethical. You should write a paper on it, it would be a rich topic!

erotictonic
10-16-2009, 10:44 PM
Funny, I prefer the peace, stability and security of a non-monogamous relationship :)

Just curious - what is it about a non-monogamous relationship that you find peaceful, stable, and secure?


I think the difficulty of truly being friends with someone who cheats is that likely, you also become friends with the person they're cheating on and this can result in awkward ethical situations for you. You are sometimes put in the position of covering for them or at the very least, keeping silent about what you know. This is too much involvement for most people, so it does seem to end up that those who do and those who don't or wouldn't run in different circles.

Yes, I think that is part of it.

erotictonic
10-17-2009, 01:24 AM
Also, (sorry for double-posting, but....) I find this interesting.

I think the general consensus here on sw is that most men would cheat given the opportunity. I don't think most would. I'm not saying they wouldn't like to....but I think a lot of them wouldn't go through with it.

Look at another women's site who is asked the same question. Most women think they would not on this site.

http://www.cafemom.com/answers/285983/Do_you_think_that_given_the_opportunity_most_men_w ould_cheat?cat_id=&next=1#r_foot

and then there's:

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20090621194911AAJRva2

A good amount of them say "no" as well.

One's experiences, and who they are, will drive what they believe. I tend to think a good percentage will cheat at some point in their lives (I'm not even going to guess how many) - "temporary" cheaters, that maybe try it once or twice and realize what a big pain in the ass it is. About 12% I think will cheat with no remorse (that has to include people with pd's and truly insane people). But cheaters who continually choose to do it, and live the lifestyle, I don't think there's that many. The ones who do are usually pretty obvious. If not at first, there will be signs at some point that it's just in their character to do so.

Talking other countries, it's a totally different situation. And there are probably more cheaters in say, Florida and Texas, than there are in Nor Cal. Regional differences as well that have to do with the culture. I also wonder about race too, as I keep finding out Pakistanis are like cheaters galore, or rather, whether their wives want to allow it or not makes no difference. So count the number of American Pakistan males "in" for cheating .....lol.

princessjas
10-17-2009, 08:13 AM
Just curious - what is it about a non-monogamous relationship that you find peaceful, stable, and secure?


Most open relationships are peaceful because there is very little jealousy or fighting over it. It's hard to explain, but it also feels very good to know that your partner may want others sexually but still chooses to be with YOU. There is an honesty and openess there that isn't usually in closed relationships, where both parties pretend not to want anyone else ever. Not saying you should know all your partners secrets, ime openess means also giving your partner more space and opportunity to just be themselves.

Also, if you aren't hanging on tight, you know they are not staying with you out of convienence but because they want to be with you. You don't have to worry about being harassed about where you were or what you were doing. It's easy, fun and relaxed, very pleasant and drama-free.

Hmm, I'm explaining that one REALLY badly, because I don't think all monogamous relationships are drama-filled, don't take it that way. Just trying to point out some of the reasons people choose other options.

erotictonic
10-17-2009, 10:33 AM
Most open relationships are peaceful because there is very little jealousy or fighting over it. It's hard to explain, but it also feels very good to know that your partner may want others sexually but still chooses to be with YOU. There is an honesty and openess there that isn't usually in closed relationships, where both parties pretend not to want anyone else ever. Not saying you should know all your partners secrets, ime openess means also giving your partner more space and opportunity to just be themselves.

Also, if you aren't hanging on tight, you know they are not staying with you out of convienence but because they want to be with you. You don't have to worry about being harassed about where you were or what you were doing. It's easy, fun and relaxed, very pleasant and drama-free.

Hmm, I'm explaining that one REALLY badly, because I don't think all monogamous relationships are drama-filled, don't take it that way. Just trying to point out some of the reasons people choose other options.

Hmmm, I find this interesting. The only open relationships I know of didn't last very long. The folks in them got jealous, and started arguing, which led to the end of the relationship. I actually agreed to one with my ex, but I noticed I began backing off intimacy-wise, and I felt like total dogcrap about the relationship, and about myself. I think I agreed to do it as a last resort. I had given up on him being what I needed, and on the relationship, and I saw it as an alternative to chasing him around, trying to get him to be trustworthy, when it just wasn't who he was. It caused a lot of pain for me. It just didn't work for me.

I think in my own relationships, I don't claim to never think about being with someone else, and I don't expect that from my partner. If he looks at porn, that's ok with me, and I look too. He sits right next to me and we both look together sometimes. And I can tell when he is attracted to someone.... it's cute. LOL. But even though I like to look sometimes, I honestly don't want to be with anyone else, and I'm choosing that. I'm sure he thinks about other girls sometimes, how it would be to be in a relationship with them. That's ok, as long as he doesn't go there lol.

For me, I think I have only been able to grow in a monogamous relationship. With my ex, I was always worried about one thing or another. It was chaotic and I could never be sure that the relationship would be there tomorrow. When all that's out of the way, it's so much easier to concentrate on other things. But I understand that for me, getting into a close relationship has always been #1 on my priority list. I'm like off-scale maintenance and need a ten-ton of attention. It's not like that for everyone. I'm sure some people prefer less-involved relationships.

So I just haven't had any good experiences with open relationships. Wait a minute, I do know of one that works, but that's because both of the people involved just don't have it in them to care or be jealous. They are personality-disordered, so.... that does work. I suppose with about 5%, it's a no-brainer, if they choose to pair up. Unfortunately, a lot of them don't want to.

I've never experienced or seen what you are speaking of, so it's interesting to me. Thanks for sharing.

princessjas
10-17-2009, 11:24 AM
I'm sure some people prefer less-involved relationships.

So I just haven't had any good experiences with open relationships. Wait a minute, I do know of one that works, but that's because both of the people involved just don't have it in them to care or be jealous. They are personality-disordered, so.... that does work. I suppose with about 5%, it's a no-brainer, if they choose to pair up. Unfortunately, a lot of them don't want to.

I've never experienced or seen what you are speaking of, so it's interesting to me. Thanks for sharing.

Hmm, It's not that I don't like involved relationships, but I need space and seperate lives yanno?

I've often thought something is wrong with me because I just don't have the jealous response to most things that I see others having...like I don't have to try not to get jealous over most things...I just don't. I can and have experienced jealousy though, but it usually only kicks in if I feel that my position in someones life is being threatened in some way. Some people in my past have thought my lack of jealousy meant a lack of feeling but that isn't the case. I form really deep attachments actually, and I think that is part of why I don't get jealous often. I figure others get just as attached, so I don't feel threatened easily, if that makes sense. (Trying to explain something I don't really understand myself here, so I'm sorry if it's rambly.)

ETA - Oh, and I've been in more monogamous relationships than non-monogamous, and I absolutely require emotional monogamy, so I'm not as open as some around here who may be able to answer better.

justifymylove
10-17-2009, 11:39 AM
^^ If you get into an open relationship because you think it is the only way to make the relationship work then I agree your chances will not be very good. The point is that you have to be honest about your needs, if monogamy is for you then you shouldn't feel coerced into a relationship that is otherwise. Open relationships fail for the same reasons monogamous relationships do- the partners are not well matched, or they are unwilling to put in the work to make it succeed, or they are trying to conform to behaviours to which they aren't well-suited. Jealousy certainly isn't unique to any particular type of relationship.

To answer your question, I find my relationship to be peaceful, stable and secure because it facilitates open and honest communication, is fun, and I never have to worry about either of us trying to fit into a mold that's being imposed. It's hard to give a list of the reasons because the short answer is that it's what we both want and it's what works for who we are.

erotictonic
10-17-2009, 11:40 AM
Hmm, It's not that I don't like involved relationships, but I need space and seperate lives yanno?

I've often thought something is wrong with me because I just don't have the jealous response to most things that I see others having...like I don't have to try not to get jealous over most things...I just don't. I can and have experienced jealousy though, but it usually only kicks in if I feel that my position in someones life is being threatened in some way. Some people in my past have thought my lack of jealousy meant a lack of feeling but that isn't the case. I form really deep attachments actually, and I think that is part of why I don't get jealous often. I figure others get just as attached, so I don't feel threatened easily, if that makes sense. (Trying to explain something I don't really understand myself here, so I'm sorry if it's rambly.)

ETA - Oh, and I've been in more monogamous relationships than non-monogamous, and I absolutely require emotional monogamy, so I'm not as open as some around here who may be able to answer better.

Ahhh, yea, more like a "friends with benefits" type of situation, where people keep their space and really don't commit. Makes sense, it worked for me for a little while. I did that when I was younger. How easy we forget when our relationships become a tangled, emotional mess lol. I found one I fell in love with and he was more of a non-committal kind of guy, so I think I attach bad feelings to the idea.

Yes, you are right, justify. If one needs monogamy and the other doesn't, it is just a bad match. Unfortunately, I was bound and determined to make the impossible work.

justifymylove
10-17-2009, 11:46 AM
I've often thought something is wrong with me because I just don't have the jealous response to most things that I see others having...like I don't have to try not to get jealous over most things...I just don't. I can and have experienced jealousy though, but it usually only kicks in if I feel that my position in someones life is being threatened in some way. Some people in my past have thought my lack of jealousy meant a lack of feeling but that isn't the case. I form really deep attachments actually, and I think that is part of why I don't get jealous often. I figure others get just as attached, so I don't feel threatened easily, if that makes sense. (Trying to explain something I don't really understand myself here, so I'm sorry if it's rambly.)

I know exactly what you mean. You thought this because we're told in so many ways that if you're not jealous, then you must not really be in love.

Lack of jealousy doesn't necessarily mean a lack of commitment or lack of intimacy.

kellyallstar
10-17-2009, 11:59 AM
^^ +1 for people not being naturally monogomous.

I would never say that ALL men cheat, because if you looked hard enough I'm damned sure you'd find at least one that never has and never will. But, I do think that most men, and a lot of women, do cheat and will continue to do so.


i couldn't have said it any better.

princessjas
10-17-2009, 02:33 PM
Ahhh, yea, more like a "friends with benefits" type of situation, where people keep their space and really don't commit. Makes sense, it worked for me for a little while. I did that when I was younger. How easy we forget when our relationships become a tangled, emotional mess lol. I found one I fell in love with and he was more of a non-committal kind of guy, so I think I attach bad feelings to the idea.

Yes, you are right, justify. If one needs monogamy and the other doesn't, it is just a bad match. Unfortunately, I was bound and determined to make the impossible work.

Not really a friends with bennies thing, but the fact that I have 2 kids from my marriage does mean I need my space and having no freedom in my marriage means I also crave freedom. Commitment and monogamy aren't one and the same to me. I can be completely committed and not feel the need for monogamy. I've never really have the urge to sleep with men outside of any relationship, although having the freedom to play with girls is nice, and I don't care if my guy plays with other girls. The why of it is hard to explain, but I just don't think it affects me or how he feels about me in any way.


I know exactly what you mean. You thought this because we're told in so many ways that if you're not jealous, then you must not really be in love.

Lack of jealousy doesn't necessarily mean a lack of commitment or lack of intimacy.

I'm glad someone understands me. Hehe You are totally right, when I was younger I let society tell me that not being jealous meant I wasn't in love and left one good relationship over it. Now I know it's just how some of us are wired. ;)

bexxx
10-17-2009, 02:57 PM
I like being in monogomous relationships because I am quite a jelous person and know that being in an open relationship wouldnt work for me however I can see that it works for other people and I can see the benefits it could have.

Its annoying me how some people are saying that an open relationship doesnt work like its a fact or isnt a committed relationship just because it doesnt work for them or someone you know. When someone is in this topic saying that it does work for them. Sex and how you feel are different things especially with men.

You can have sex with someone and you love them and you feel it means something but you can also have sex which means absoloutly nothing its just filling a need..like masturbating and all an open relationship is that the people accept that having sex with other people doesnt mean anything to each other so they can do it if they want.

Elvia
10-17-2009, 03:31 PM
Hmm, It's not that I don't like involved relationships, but I need space and seperate lives yanno?

I've often thought something is wrong with me because I just don't have the jealous response to most things that I see others having...like I don't have to try not to get jealous over most things...I just don't. I can and have experienced jealousy though, but it usually only kicks in if I feel that my position in someones life is being threatened in some way. Some people in my past have thought my lack of jealousy meant a lack of feeling but that isn't the case. I form really deep attachments actually, and I think that is part of why I don't get jealous often. I figure others get just as attached, so I don't feel threatened easily, if that makes sense. (Trying to explain something I don't really understand myself here, so I'm sorry if it's rambly.)


I am so with you on this PJ!!! it's like you took the words right out of my mouth.

If I'm in an open relationship, I don't get jealous. The one time I've really experienced jealousy was when I was in a monogamous relationship, and he cheated on me. It was the fact that the trust had been broken- I couldn't feel secure anymore. But when I've been in an open relationship, it just doesn't bother me. I absolutely abhor jealousy and it scares me off faster than anything.

I don't think that means it's necessarily a friend with benefits, or that you "aren't commited" to each other at all. You can still have a "primary partner."

I feel more secure in open relationships because I don't need to feel like one little slip up (like what happened in that monogamous relationship i mentioned earlier) is going to ruin everything.

princessjas
10-18-2009, 02:55 PM
I am so with you on this PJ!!! it's like you took the words right out of my mouth.

If I'm in an open relationship, I don't get jealous. The one time I've really experienced jealousy was when I was in a monogamous relationship, and he cheated on me. It was the fact that the trust had been broken- I couldn't feel secure anymore. But when I've been in an open relationship, it just doesn't bother me. I absolutely abhor jealousy and it scares me off faster than anything.

I don't think that means it's necessarily a friend with benefits, or that you "aren't commited" to each other at all. You can still have a "primary partner."

I feel more secure in open relationships because I don't need to feel like one little slip up (like what happened in that monogamous relationship i mentioned earlier) is going to ruin everything.

Yes!! You can be committed to putting your partners needs and feelings first, to being there for them, to being honest with them, to caring about them, etc. It really has nothing at all to do with monogamy, unless that is another committment you choose to make to one another.

Totally agree about jealousy too. It makes people do some scary things.

babypink29
10-18-2009, 04:14 PM
to jessie tiny dancer with the open relationship..how does this work?dont you get jealous when he has sex with other woman?or does it make the relationship fun?you must trust him 100%its crazy but kind of cool.i want to be like that with my boyfreind just dont know if i have it in me.