Log in

View Full Version : Did you always want kids?



Pages : 1 [2]

xdamage
10-07-2009, 07:58 PM
Not having children doesn't cause depression.

I'm not sure. Just as for you, you debate feelings of not needing them, I've met people who seemingly are wired to need them. And evolutionary speaking, in a way, their apparent need to have children may serve a pretty straightforward and valuable purpose as does others apparent desire to be child free, and lounge or learn or contribute something to society in another way.

For them not having children seemingly does cause depression. Works both ways.

jack0177057
10-08-2009, 10:23 AM
I'm not sure. Just as for you, you debate feelings of not needing them, I've met people who seemingly are wired to need them. And evolutionary speaking, in a way, their apparent need to have children may serve a pretty straightforward and valuable purpose as does others apparent desire to be child free, and lounge or learn or contribute something to society in another way.

For them not having children seemingly does cause depression. Works both ways.

Definitely,... there are so many factors that play a role, including biological, psychological and social programming.

Biologically and psychologically - some people are wired with a deep yearning for offspring. There are selfish and unselfish reasons for this. The most selfish reason is to leave a legacy,... "blood" that lives on (hopefully, in perpetuity) after you die. The second most selfish reason is to get that "second chance" to accomplish something, i.e., many people try to push their own personal (but unrealized) dreams on their children, like career, artistic or athletic goals.

Religion - most religions see children as a great blessing and sterility as a great curse. The Bible commands couples to "Go forth and multiply."

Culture & "Race" - some cultures are very family-centered and tend to be disposed to large familites, like Italians, Greeks, Hispanics, Blacks, etc. Other cultures are more individual-centered and tend to be disposed towards few, if any, children, like Anglos, the French and the Spanish (European).

Social programming - consider a "traditional" woman that, as a child, spent her entire days playing mom with her dolls and dreamed about the white picket fence and her two little children playing in the front yard vs. a "modern" woman that could care less about dolls as a child, but read books and always had ambitious career goals... They might both want to be moms, but the first one will feel completely disoriented and lose her sense of value and purpose without any children.

JayATee
10-08-2009, 11:32 AM
My point was that so many people seem to have this idea that everything will just naturally fall into place (emotionally that is, I'm not talking about external, practical, or financial matters) when they have a child. People say things like "as soon as you hold the baby, you'll be so happy to have them!" I have to wonder if that's really the case for everyone, and I think it's a rather dangerous assumption to go into parenthood with. I imagine there are a lot of people who aren't happy raising kids but who can't do anything other than soldier on with it. I definitiely do think it's taboo to admit that you regret your children, but I also think it's a deep dark reality for some people. How many, I suppose we'll never know. It's probably good to keep in mind that it's not guaranteed that someone's just going to "come around" and be happy with it once the child is born, reglardless of how they've felt before.

I agree with this completely. My fear is that my husband is in fact the type of person that will not come around, even when he's holding his own child. I think if he agrees to children it would be simply bc he wants me to be happy and not bc he really wants them. Which will lead to regret and resentment on his part.

As for the not needing children to be happy. I agree and disagree at the same time. I think I could feel fulfilled if I do not have children (attitude after all is everything) but if at the same time it hurts me, or makes me jealous everytime I see my friends or family having children or with their children, or even complete strangers who are pregnant that says to me that at least part of me truly wants and needs that in my life.

kandie_kitten
10-09-2009, 05:30 PM
For me, it's absolutely no children. Ever. No wiggle room.

My current boyfriend agrees with me 100%, and that's a huge relief.

I see the want children/no children thing as a huge deal-breaker in a relationship. It's such a momentous decision, if someone isn't completely committed, in my own experience of situations I have seen, that leads to disaster.

You can hope all day that he will change his mind, that when he holds his child he'll be content...but if he doesn't want children to start with, you have to accept that that may not happen.

I had one friend whose girlfriend was pregnant. She had been on the fence about children, he was adamantly against it. When she found out she was pregnant, she was shocked how ecstatic she was. He was horrified, and while he supported her decision to have the baby, he definitely wasn't happy.

When the baby was born, the nurse handed the baby to him, and he told me later that when he held his little daughter, he waited for that "oh my God, I'm a dad feeling" to hit him, but instead, he said he felt such dread, like he was seeing the rest of his new (in his mind, awful) life stretching ahead of him, and he was hit instead with a huge amount of resentment to his girlfriend.

I'm not trying to rain on your parade, I'm just trying to prepare you for the worst-case scenario. There are some men (and women) who do not want, under any circumstance, to be a parent. In which case you need to decide what's most important to you.

mediocrity
10-10-2009, 03:09 PM
I actually got screamed at by my mother last night for not wanting kids. Told her I was looking into Essure; chaos ensued. Off topic but whatevs.

I agree with the poster above. You should be prepared for worst case scenario as well. I think there is a possibility that your husband may not come around. But you know him best girlie, not us. And you have time. :)

Cyril
10-10-2009, 09:21 PM
Children are a great responsibility by any standard. So before you want to have kids, make sure to go over this checklist:

- Make sure you are making enough money to give them a stable childhood and great start in life
- Make sure you act in a dignified and responsible manner, which means do not get arrested every other week
- Give them good moral foundation that can serve as their compass throughout their life

JayATee
10-11-2009, 10:40 PM
I actually got screamed at by my mother last night for not wanting kids. Told her I was looking into Essure; chaos ensued. Off topic but whatevs.

I agree with the poster above. You should be prepared for worst case scenario as well. I think there is a possibility that your husband may not come around. But you know him best girlie, not us. And you have time. :)

The more we talk, the more apparent it becomes that this is the case....

Optimist
10-13-2009, 10:38 AM
This is exactly how I was!! I hated kids with a passion, avoided them at all cost. Honestly, I'm ashamed to admit, I STILL don't like other peoples kiddos very much. ;D I've warmed up to them a bit and don't always have that "Get it the hell away from me!" response that I used to, but there still just, meh, whatever. Mine, on the other hand, are fabulous little angels that I snuggle and play with constantly...cause yanno, their MINE and perfect and all. lol 8)

As for your question JayATee, my STBEX wanted kids but pretended to agree with me that we were having none...but on our honeymoon he fucked with my BC. Pretended to help me remember them by getting them every morning for me, which I thought was soooo sweet, but he was giving me the "blanks" from your period week.

I came back from the honeymoon pregnant and was horrified, completely hysterical for months. I considered an abortion, but even thinking it while knowing how bad M wanted kids cause such guilt it sent me into hysterical sobs. (I did not know at that time that he had done anything to my BC.)

After I first felt Ty move though, I started warming up to the idea and it didn't seem like life was completely over anymore. Now, I couldn't imagine life without my babies. I DO resent M for taking the choice from me though, but don't think I would feel that way if he would have simply convinced me to have them. I guess it's obvious that I love the little guys now though, else I wouldn't have had Ethan, who was also M's idea, but I didn't require much convincing that time.

This was horrifying and I would not count on him warming up to sabotage and 18 years of forced parenting and bills. I'd work out my feelings on it and approach him afterwards. Be prepared to take no for an answer and think about if you'll want to get divorced if you decide you really want a kid. Good luck!

Optimist
10-13-2009, 10:47 AM
I had one friend whose girlfriend was pregnant. She had been on the fence about children, he was adamantly against it. When she found out she was pregnant, she was shocked how ecstatic she was. He was horrified, and while he supported her decision to have the baby, he definitely wasn't happy.

When the baby was born, the nurse handed the baby to him, and he told me later that when he held his little daughter, he waited for that "oh my God, I'm a dad feeling" to hit him, but instead, he said he felt such dread, like he was seeing the rest of his new (in his mind, awful) life stretching ahead of him, and he was hit instead with a huge amount of resentment to his girlfriend.



I always wonder about guys like this. Why not get a vasectomy than cry later about GETTING his girl pregnant? Did she sabotage his condoms or something?

princessjas
10-13-2009, 12:26 PM
This was horrifying and I would not count on him warming up to sabotage and 18 years of forced parenting and bills. I'd work out my feelings on it and approach him afterwards. Be prepared to take no for an answer and think about if you'll want to get divorced if you decide you really want a kid. Good luck!

Oh, man, when I wrote that I didn't think about it possibly coming across like I was suggesting getting preggo without telling him. (That is one of the fairly common female behaviors that I detest most.) I was just relating my feelings and trying to give some hope that some people do change their minds. ;)

kandie_kitten
10-14-2009, 06:37 PM
I always wonder about guys like this. Why not get a vasectomy than cry later about GETTING his girl pregnant? Did she sabotage his condoms or something?


They had been dating for years, and she was on birth control, so that was their main BC. She was on antibiotics, and she didn't know that they can counteract the effectiveness of BC, so it came as a big shock.

I don't know. I think most guys in their 20's wouldn't think of vasectomies.

erotictonic
10-14-2009, 08:31 PM
I think biologically I did, but I never wanted the responsibility. I couldn't even handle my own self until a few years ago. It would've been terrible for a child to grow up with me as the mother. I think I could prob take it on in a few years, but I am choosing not to have any. I don't see myself as someone who needs to pass on my genes LOL. (I'll think up some excuse).

mediocrity
10-16-2009, 05:49 PM
They had been dating for years, and she was on birth control, so that was their main BC. She was on antibiotics, and she didn't know that they can counteract the effectiveness of BC, so it came as a big shock.

I don't know. I think most guys in their 20's wouldn't think of vasectomies.

I think mine would, but he has one of each already. He said e'd take male BC as well (which is in clinical testing!!)

I hope you're feeling better Jay.

kyrah_foxx
10-21-2009, 06:18 PM
I never thought I would have kids until I got pregnant almost 2 years ago. However, every time I look at my son I am so glad that I opted to stick with the pregnancy. Parenting is hard, yes, and getting my man to get on board was hellish for awhile too. But we both love Fyn sooo much, its an amazing feeling, I guess. To each their own though for sure.

MsClaireVoyant
10-22-2009, 11:19 AM
I not only want kids, but I KNOW I will have them one day. Hard to explain, but it's just one of those things I'm sure of in my heart, my intuition, and my soul. Sounds kinda New-Agey (but hey Im a new-agey sorta gal) but I have had a lot of dreams about my future children and kinda feel like their energy is out there waiting to be incarnated into my body and born through me. I feel strongly that I will have one, maybe 2-3. I'm not aching for it to happen right now, but it's gonna happen at some point, no doubts. My current man claims to never want kids but awhile ago he was raving about how much he wanted to have a baby-he is the KING of not knowing wtf he wants out of life and changing his mind, so I am not too convinced he truly "never wants kids" like he says he does. I imagine he will change his mind at some point. Also, he refuses to wear a condom and we always just pull out, which we both know isn't 100% safe. For me, I feel if it were to happen now I'd be okay with it, and for him well... I just feel if he was THAT dead set on not having kids, he'd be wrapping it up not taking those kind of chances. Or maybe he's just not thinking, lol. Either way if I were to become pregnant now I'd assume that he wouldn't want anything to do with it and I'd be on my own.. and if he came around.. even better.

hot4ablackchick
10-26-2009, 01:52 AM
My husband and I have six kids together. I have two ( a boy and girl) from a past relationship, he has twin girls from a previous marriage, and we just had twin boys togther. Children are a lot of work and I honestly do not like children. I'm not and never will be a PTA, leave it to beaver kinda mom, and I've learned to accept that. My hubby and I are unconventional parents but we are still parents who love our kids and provide for them without the help of our loser exes who do nothing to support their children. Anyway, there is no way to fully know whether your husband will come around and you will be taking a gamble whether or not you decide to have a child. There won't be any way to know whether he really wants a baby or if he is just agreeing with the possibility of a baby to make you happy and/or fear of losing you. I've never been a kid person and have no desire to be around them other than my own. If I could go back, I'd probably never have kids. I honestly never thought about kids and just assumed I would have some because "thats what people do." I don't resent my kids, and I love them, but nobody ever said not having kids is perfectly acceptable. I must admit I am a selfish person though. At the same time, I feel like if I didn't have kids I would probably be dying for one so it is all so confusing. When I found out I was having twins, I must admit I felt scared, angry, and resentful at my hubby (The pregnancy was NOT planned, I wanted to terminate, he didn't) All I could think about was how awful my body was going to look afterward, how it was going to ruin us financially, and how these babies were going to mess up my life and my free time. Now I don't know what I would do without the little crotch droppings. OTOH, my stepkids mother has pretty much abandoned them. She never calls and sees them about once a month for 4 or 5 hours. It definetely is not just men who can completely not give a shit, but women too.

MsClaireVoyant
10-27-2009, 01:16 PM
Funny how many strippers seem to be "not kid people"...

I can relate because even though I do want my own kids one day and will love the shit out of them... honestly I don't like kids in general. I like certain kids, just like I like certain people but I've never understood women who get all gaga eyed over every baby they see. Most random children don't trigger any sort of reaction for me and if they do, it's a negative one. Although part of that is seeing screaming kids in stores with their parents who completely don't know the meaning of the world: discipline. My friends son is well behaved (and well disciplined) and I adore him... if there's one thing I cannot stand it's a spoiled little brat.

Kellydancer
03-28-2010, 09:29 PM
I am 38 and am still not sure I want kids. You'd think by now I'd know either way, but nope. Part of it is is clear confusion. I enjoy spending time with my niece and children of friends, but on the other hand I'm not sure I could deal with the whole pregnancy thing. I don't like the idea of gaining weight and being uncomfortable for 9 months then to do the childbirth routine because I have a fear of pain. I have a medical condition that would probably make it more painful.

My second (and probably the main reason I never had kids) is how many men act. I've met guys who wanted kids, but they wanted a "traditional" family (stay at home mom, etc). I don't want to be the main one raising kids, nor will I give up a career to stay at home. I don't believe the idea that women are the better parent because I know many men who are better. I also don't believe I should be the one to give up a career I worked hard for. Now if I met a guy who wants to stay at home, or both of us can raise them together and both still work and work around the children (and most couples I know both work) then I'd consider it. Luckily, I've met many guys who aren't "traditional". However, I actually like the idea of adopting or taking in foster kids better than I do having any.

I know (and dated) men who were quite clear they didn't want kids. They were all mid 30's and above when I dated them and many years later still don't want kids. All but one had vasectomies and don't regret it. The one guy is pretty sure he doesn't want kids, but hasn't had it done yet. They made it quite clear that if they got a girl pregnant (before vasectomy) that they'd expect her to have an abortion. One guy got three girls pregnant (in a space of 20 years). All three had abortions. I firmly believe if someone is anti having kids still by mid 30's they will never change.

I am sorry I am bumping ths thread, but I looked back on this post and realized since then my opinion has changed. Back in October, I wasn't sure I wanted kids, now I am positive I do. Here's the kicker though: I only want them with the guy I currently like. This is a problem because:

We aren't sleeping together (we both want to wait).
I don't have a job now and he doesn't make much.
He's not ready for a serious relationship because he's still hurting from his previous relationship. He keeps telling me he never wants to get serious again, but I don't completely believe this because he always wanted a relationship with me. This is why I am giving him space. I am not looking for a serious relationship either now because of my job situation.

After years of being sure I never wanted kids, even considered getting my tubes tied, my biological clock is going in overdrive. Everytime I talk to him or look at his photo I imagine our children. I am having dreams every night where I am either pregnant or giving birth. The strangest one was the other night where I dreamt a specific hospital and a birthing room, a hospital I've never gone to or knew it existed. I then Googled the hospital and found out that it was near where he lives, AND (this is creepy) the birthing room looks identical to what it did in my dream. He's always in these dreams and I have them every night.

The irony is now he claims he doesn't want babies but years ago he wanted children. He would even mention what our kids would look like then. Years ago I just wanted to be friends (getting out of a bad relationship), but in reality I was scared and imagined having kids with him. He's the only guy I've ever imagined having babies with. I think that even though I never brought up babies since we reunited, he senses it. This is why I think he's afraid of everything, because he told me he's scared I will get pregnant and we'll have to marry. I will not get pregnant unless both of us want it, and right now a baby will be a disaster.

I am stunned that this changed so drastic. I just hope and pray this dream comes true. Oddly, if I don't end up with him, I don't think I'll have kids.

JayATee
04-12-2010, 07:53 PM
^Well thanks for changing your answer! It's actually interesting to see such a turn around!

I'm getting divorced altogether. I don't see kids in my future at all ever so the whole subject for me is kind of moot.

stripperMBA
04-12-2010, 08:09 PM
I do not want kids. I am a happy childfree person.

kthnx
04-12-2010, 11:28 PM
um. im going to be rather blunt here becuz i have alot of strong feelings on this issue. first of all, your current husband. i realize that u werent too sure ud want kids when u first met him, but i really do believe that couples should spend alot of time discussing the kids thing BEFORE getting engaged, much less married. ive heard of too many couples where one partner (usually the girl) wants a baby but the other partner doesnt, and it leads to a nightmarish situation. even couples who mutualy agree to NOT havew kids should spend alot of time talking bout it ahed of time. and if one or more partners is uncomfortable simply talking bout it, then the relationship is not ready to progress to mature things like marriage.

i read an article recently that one of the top 3 reasons for relationships ending is disagrement over the kids issue.



Alright I'll give a little more background as to what the issue is bc it's kind of caught me off guard.

Several years ago I was in a relationship with a married man. I didn't know in the beginning and then when I found out he swore he was leaving her. <Insert stupid girl moment here> Anyway, I wound up pregnant and thought that he would definitely be with me now since he was leaving her anyway. This wasn't what happened and I wound up having an abortion. It was the single most painful moment of my life for multiple reasons. Not long before that my ex and I had split because (ironically enough) he didn't want kids and I did, and then several months after our break up he moved in the girl he was seeing and her 9 mos old baby and then proceeded to have a baby with her. It hurt. All I ever wanted was a family of my own, and at the time I had wanted it with him. Then I had to have an abortion and was just a complete mess for a long time after, especially when he started saying how much he wanted to be with me and what a mistake it had been to let me have the abortion in the first place. Can you say manipulative?


i can def see why the abortion was so painful for u. the situation with the bf sounds horrible too, and how hypicritical!!! now this might not be the most sensitive thing to say, but truthfully, why did you feel like u HAD to get an abortion?? nobody is forced to do it (although some people, esp planned parenthood clinics, like to force feed the idea down peoples' throats tho!). esp since u were pregnant at a time that u wanted to have kids. yep the situation wasnt ideal, being that it was with a married guy who prolly not planning to really leave his wife, but i see alot of single moms who work hard and can make it work. if ur in a spot like that ever again, never ever feel like u "have" to do something u dont want to do. again, i know too many girls in nightmarish situations becuz of thinking that way.

Kellydancer
04-13-2010, 12:06 AM
^Well thanks for changing your answer! It's actually interesting to see such a turn around!

I'm getting divorced altogether. I don't see kids in my future at all ever so the whole subject for me is kind of moot.

Sorry to hear you're getting divorced. Yeah, it was a big change for me because until a few years ago I was so convinced I never wanted kids, I even talked to my doctor about getting my tubes tied (she strongly advised me against it). What I really don't mention either is how my view has also changed because of my niece. I love my niece so much and enjoy seeing her. I love the idea of having a baby like her. She's so cute and good and has really opened my maternal instincts.

Jessie_tinydancer
04-13-2010, 04:27 AM
^ I find that falling for a new guy definitely brings on those breeding instincts in me. But then that "I want a mini you and me" wears off and I come to my senses. Thank god. But that's just me. Dogs are my children.

JayATee
04-14-2010, 11:32 AM
um. im going to be rather blunt here becuz i have alot of strong feelings on this issue. first of all, your current husband. i realize that u werent too sure ud want kids when u first met him, but i really do believe that couples should spend alot of time discussing the kids thing BEFORE getting engaged, much less married. ive heard of too many couples where one partner (usually the girl) wants a baby but the other partner doesnt, and it leads to a nightmarish situation. even couples who mutualy agree to NOT havew kids should spend alot of time talking bout it ahed of time. and if one or more partners is uncomfortable simply talking bout it, then the relationship is not ready to progress to mature things like marriage.

i read an article recently that one of the top 3 reasons for relationships ending is disagrement over the kids issue.





i can def see why the abortion was so painful for u. the situation with the bf sounds horrible too, and how hypicritical!!! now this might not be the most sensitive thing to say, but truthfully, why did you feel like u HAD to get an abortion?? nobody is forced to do it (although some people, esp planned parenthood clinics, like to force feed the idea down peoples' throats tho!). esp since u were pregnant at a time that u wanted to have kids. yep the situation wasnt ideal, being that it was with a married guy who prolly not planning to really leave his wife, but i see alot of single moms who work hard and can make it work. if ur in a spot like that ever again, never ever feel like u "have" to do something u dont want to do. again, i know too many girls in nightmarish situations becuz of thinking that way.

I guess it was a bad choice of words. I didn't HAVE to do anything. I could've had the baby, but at the time, I didn't feel it was the right decision.

Kellydancer
04-14-2010, 12:40 PM
^ I find that falling for a new guy definitely brings on those breeding instincts in me. But then that "I want a mini you and me" wears off and I come to my senses. Thank god. But that's just me. Dogs are my children.

Maybe but I've never had the strong urged until recently. Is it because of him or just in general? I really don't know but I need to make up my mind soon because of my age (I am 39).

Kellydancer
04-14-2010, 12:43 PM
I guess it was a bad choice of words. I didn't HAVE to do anything. I could've had the baby, but at the time, I didn't feel it was the right decision.

If you feel that way, you made the right decision. I've had friends who had abortions though they really wanted kids. The thing was they didn't want kids then because it wasn't the right time (wrong guy, financial issues, etc). I know there were times that had I gotten pregnant I would have had an abortion. While I probably would have suffered and felt guilty, that to me would have been better bringing a baby into the world who really wasn't wanted and wouldn't have had a good life.

jack0177057
04-14-2010, 03:02 PM
I'm getting divorced altogether. I don't see kids in my future at all ever so the whole subject for me is kind of moot.

I think your divorce makes it more likely that you will have children one day with a man who wants kids.

Optimist
04-15-2010, 10:54 AM
So sorry to hear about your split. I know you'll meet a guy with more compatible goals.

JayATee
04-17-2010, 07:23 PM
If you feel that way, you made the right decision. I've had friends who had abortions though they really wanted kids. The thing was they didn't want kids then because it wasn't the right time (wrong guy, financial issues, etc). I know there were times that had I gotten pregnant I would have had an abortion. While I probably would have suffered and felt guilty, that to me would have been better bringing a baby into the world who really wasn't wanted and wouldn't have had a good life.

It was the right decision at the time. But I still feel guilty, every damn day of my life. It's stupid, because it really wouldn't have been right to bring a baby into the world under those circumstances, but at the same time, part of me thinks I could've done right by the child anyway.


I think your divorce makes it more likely that you will have children one day with a man who wants kids.

I guess only time will tell. I'm all outta faith at the moment.