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princessjas
10-15-2009, 05:39 PM
I don't mean to invalidate the discussion you guys are having, but this all seems a little besides the point. The big issue here seems to be that he has no problem being deceitful and doing whatever he wants behind her back. If he wants to be non-monogamous, and she has no problem with with non-monogamy, fine. But he should be able to be open and upfront with his partners about that, not sneak around behind their back. If he'll try to deceive her in this way, I imagine he'll have no problem doing it in other ways, and she deserves someone who's man enough to be honest and upfront about his intentions.

Agreed! If people do not want to be monogamous, why not just mention it upfront! Many people are fine with a "don't ask, don't tell" policy, and some are even ok with full disclosure. No need for deceit and all the insuing dramaz. BOO for lies and drama!!

xdamage
10-15-2009, 07:38 PM
... If he'll try to deceive her in this way, I imagine he'll have no problem doing it in other ways, ...

I certainly can't argue with this. Having been on the receiving end I know if it happens once it tends to mean it will happen again. Not always, but the odds are it will.

Golden_Rule
10-15-2009, 09:57 PM
I don't mean to invalidate the discussion you guys are having, but this all seems a little besides the point.

???

It wasn't directed at the general point of the thread. It is only tangentially related which was why I labeled it as a "Side note" to begin with.

Elvia
10-15-2009, 10:39 PM
I just thought it might be a good idea to get this thread back to, you know, something that might actually be relevant and helpful to the OP.

thisunrest
10-16-2009, 12:13 PM
male nonmonogamy for many young hot women is subconsciously very attractive - and tends to ratchet up the all important "chemistry" - all of this no doubt deriving from evolutionary baggage from millions of years of man's existence where Alpha seed spreaders optimized the female's ultimate chance of genetic survival.
Be that as it may,men are not animals.Trust is trust,and the cavemen didn't have HIV;)

thisunrest
10-16-2009, 12:20 PM
"you deserve to be with someone who loves and respects you as much as you love and respect them."

actually JayATee - your answer is the (near standard) bullshit answer - typical (chick-speak) boilerplate which complete ignores the issue of what drives the 'chemistry" of these things
And you are saying that just because it's in our snake-brains,it's okay.

The male of the species was also prone to killing offspring that weren't his back in the dawn of mankind's bipedal meanderings.Look,I agree with you on the biology point, but that's no excuse for cheating.Human beings are not the same as their ancestors.Given the millenia's of saparation between the first hominids and us, the arguments don't apply.

princessjas
10-16-2009, 12:25 PM
And you are saying that just because it's in our snake-brains,it's okay.

The male of the species was also prone to killing offspring that weren't his back in the dawn of mankind's bipedal meanderings.Look,I agree with you on the biology point, but that's no excuse for cheating.Human beings are not the same as their ancestors.Given the millenia's of saparation between the first hominids and us, the arguments don't apply.

I mentioned this in another thread and got torn to shreds by several of the guys on here for daring to insert logic into the convo, when they just wanted to yell...."Well, I wanna fuck everything that moves, so I should be able to." We ignore all sorts of urges and even a few instincts these days, but they don't wanna hear that. I wouldn't waste your breath on this one.

WestCoast101
10-17-2009, 01:39 PM
Females (in a subconscious bio-chemistry sense) often tend to find nonmonogamous "seed spreading" type males attractive for the same reason (most) males desire to have sex with lots of females in the first place - it gave such males distinct evolutionary genetic survival advantages - where high volume seed spreading was the winning strategy - this legacy DNA likely carried forward from millions of years back.

It even to a large degree probably explains why the OP is still "in love" with her cheating man, even though she will most likely never understand it or admit it. Apparently (via some amazing exception of natural selection) many modern females consider themselves (unlike males) simply to have risen above the deep primordial influences from earlier ages.

Earl_the_Pearl
10-17-2009, 03:01 PM
The answer is monogamy. If a man has children with a woman he becomes directly responsible, not the society as a whole, for maintaining them. So we gradually move away from the "alpha male seed spreader" to "if you want to have kids you better be prepared to take care of them and the woman you had them with" model.


And we have come full circle with an increase of single mothers with a baby's daddy that is long gone. The harem model did not absolve the man of responsibility to care for his children and wives it just limited it to those able to do it. King David and Salomon come to mind.

The reason it does not work in reverse is because the mother is always known.

Elvia
10-17-2009, 03:10 PM
Females (in a subconscious bio-chemistry sense) often tend to find nonmonogamous "seed spreading" type males attractive for the same reason (most) males desire to have sex with lots of females in the first place - it gave such males distinct evolutionary genetic survival advantages - where high volume seed spreading was the winning strategy - this legacy DNA likely carried forward from millions of years back.

It even to a large degree probably explains why the OP is still "in love" with her cheating man, even though she will most likely never understand it or admit it. Apparently (via some amazing exception of natural selection) many modern females consider themselves (unlike males) simply to have risen above the deep primordial influences from earlier ages.


Why do you feel the need to keep coming back and repeating yourself? It's like this is the only thing you're able to talk about. You've said all this. really, move on.

Lots of people continue to feel in love with their partners after they've done something wrong. That's not just the case for females with cheating male partners. In fact, it's not just the case with cheating. I've even known men who stayed with physically abusive women. Love and attachment aren't things that are so easily disposed of.

Earl_the_Pearl
10-17-2009, 03:29 PM
Apparently (via some amazing exception of natural selection) many modern females consider themselves (unlike males) simply to have risen above the deep primordial influences from earlier ages.
I guess you don't watch Murry's show; "you are not the father".

HollyK
10-17-2009, 11:50 PM
Here is an update for anyone interested.... I'm really tired of feeling like I am not good enough for him, to the point that he needs to be with other women. I deserve to be with someone who will love and appreciate me as much as I love and appreciate them. So, I decided to leave him.

Elvia
10-17-2009, 11:56 PM
Good for you!

I'm sure you know it will be difficult at times, that's part of what keeps us in these situations so long to begin with! But I really think staying with someone who mistreat you really,over time, causes you to internalize those notions. After awhile, it's even harder to leave because you feel you're not worthy of better. You're making the right decision to leave now, and you'll be so much happier in the long run. :hug:

kandie_kitten
10-18-2009, 05:09 PM
HURRAY!

And I hope this doesn't sound preachy, but if you were willing to put aside your needs for his, that raises some flags to me about your own self-esteem. You deserve a man who adores you, and doesn't lie or hide things from you. Spend some time getting to know yourself and what you need again; it'll be that much easier later sorting out the jerks who won't appeciate you from the real gems who will truly love you.

JayATee
10-18-2009, 06:57 PM
Here is an update for anyone interested.... I'm really tired of feeling like I am not good enough for him, to the point that he needs to be with other women. I deserve to be with someone who will love and appreciate me as much as I love and appreciate them. So, I decided to leave him.

:cheers: Good for you!!!

hockeybobby
10-18-2009, 07:25 PM
Here is an update for anyone interested.... I'm really tired of feeling like I am not good enough for him, to the point that he needs to be with other women. I deserve to be with someone who will love and appreciate me as much as I love and appreciate them. So, I decided to leave him.

That took courage. You are a brave girl. Good luck on this new path you've chosen.