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Xiomara
12-25-2009, 11:35 PM
I'm not a parent but I had to read this book for one of my college classes and I think it would be really helpful for you:



I see that book got some pretty good reviews. Thanks, Ill check it out. :)

girlundressed
12-25-2009, 11:36 PM
I think there have already been some great suggestions listed.

I definitely think that you should ask your boyfriend to step back a little and give your daughter some space since she is so avidly pushing him away. I don't think either of you are trying to force her to hug him, but maybe if he respects he discomfort they can try working things out from a different angle.

From what you said about how well she acted when you had a good day with her and were able to spend time with her, I'd say that spending more time with her may be part of your solution. Maybe ask her to do something fun in the kitchen with you while you make dinner. You could look up ways to cut down on dinner preparations. I do all my preparations (chopping veggies and cooking rice and pasta & etc.) on Sunday, and then put it away in labeled tupperware containers to cook with each day. Try to figure out little things to do with her.

If she doesn't act up around her dad then have you tried comparing notes on how he handles situations? No child is perfect, and those situations do come up with him I'm sure, though they might be a lot less frequent and/or severe if you think she is better with him. See what he does because he obviously is doing something that works for her.

As an odd suggestion: something that my brother has done to keep my nephews in line is enrolling them in martial arts classes. He was very careful when choosing the instructor by seeing how the kids interacted as they were leaving. He found that it gave them an outlet and taught them that with anger an violence one must practice self control. Their respect levels really shot up too. It might not work for your daughter, but it just popped into my head and so I thought I'd throw it out there.

Something that I haven't seen you talk about are the other sides of parenting. Negative behavior doesn't always mean improper punishment or handling of a bad situation. I'd like to know how you reward her when she is good. Even small things like saying at the end of the meal, thank for waiting till the end of dinner for your juice when she does it for her godmother makes a difference to a child. When you ask her to do something that she doesn't like to do and she does it, or just when she doesn't throw a fit when she normally does, she deserves at least a good job. Bigger rewards can be faded out, but the rewards to matter.

As a note, the word no is often faded out with children when used a lot. Instead of "don't touch the stove" sometimes they simply process, "touch the stove". Try alternative phrases like, "keep your hands away from there" and alternative behaviors like, "do you want to stir the soup? (once stirring the pot or at least up there) doesn't if feel really hot over the stove? yikes, I'd hate to get burned". I only mention this because sometimes a fit is caused by not understanding, whether it appears that way to us or not.

To relax your mind some why don't you also go in and talk to the school. I think that if you explain the actions you are taking to prevent future outbursts, tell them how confident you are that it will work, and ask them to allow it time to work instead of doing something drastic like expelling her.

Try to get into a psychologist as soon as possible, both for yourself and your daughter. If anything this might help you to speed up the process, double check that the steps you decide to take are the right ones, and further enforce to the school that your daughter wants to change. Try to set up a plan for at home, at her day care, and with her teachers at school so that the punishment AND REWARD systems work the same way throughout her day.

I wish you the best of luck and I'm glad that you felt comfortable enough somewhere to ask for advice. I am not a mother myself yet, but am finishing a bachelors in education (which has lots of child psych classes and such) and have a lot of experience with kids from working as a summer nanny to being certified to teach children with autism. I hope that some of what I wrote can be helpful, and I do apologize for being so long winded.

Xiomara
12-25-2009, 11:45 PM
Thank you very much ^^ The time spent together today and yesterday was nice for us. I let her help me cook, and she helped with the dishes. I gave her a big hug and told her she was the coolest kid EVER when she helped me dress her sister/clean her room the FIRST time I asked this afternoon/acted like a big kid in certain situations... She really responds to that, rewards,which I realize I may have been ignoring bcuz Im so busy, but its worth it to take a few seconds out, I see.
Also, the time out in the corner seems to be much worse punishment than spanking, and more effective... She HATES sittin in that corner for 6 minutes.

Mr Hyde
12-26-2009, 09:19 PM
at the risk of being told to buzz off, I am going to make some suggestions which the OP may not like...

1-Stop physically disciplining your child. Spanking is not an effective method of disciplining a child. Use time-outs. Get a timer and designate a specific time-out spot that is isolated, quiet, and boring. A time-out should last a minute for every year of age of your child, plus 5. Set the timer and tell them when it goes off, they can come out. If they move before it's over, move them back. PIA? Yep. Sorry...

2-Do not live with your boyfriend. His presence is probably a very large part of the problems you are seeing. If you want further explanations as to why, I will tell you, but trust me on this.

3-Do not "force" your boyfriend or any future boyfriends on your children. Actually, you should go a step further...I would remove him from your children's presence entirely for a little while. Wait and see if the relationship is going to stick...at LEAST 6 months...and then slowly introduce him back in...SLOWLY...and cautiously...let your kids guide you on how they accept him. At the VERY LEAST....no overnights or that sort of thing while they're in your place, and no hugs, forced attention, etc.

4-Eliminate any "chaos" in your life. I've loosely read some of the threads you have posted on SW and my perception of your personal life is that it is fairly chaotic. I get the impression that the men you seem attracted to are not ideal, and you put yourself into situations that are not healthy for raising children. Avoid the following...late nights, alcohol, parties, random/spontaneous get-togethers with friends, "new" transient friends and people in your life, etc. Kids operate best when there are few surprises in their lives and then they know what is happening around them and can feel secure. If the one person who they rely on to make sure they are secure is chaotic, they will be stressed out and will act out.

If I am wrong about my perception of your life, I'm sorry. I only see a snapshot of it on here. Even if I am wrong, the advice is still solid....a quiet, "boring" life is one in which children thrive.

5-Get your kids in to a set routine from which they do not vary. Get them up at the same time every day. Put them to bed at the same time every night. Feed them at the sames times every day. Have a set waking up and bedtime routine. Whoever watches them while you work, have them do the same. Do not vary the person that watches them on a daily basis.

6-Don't take your frustrations out on your child. A 6 year old does not have anything even remotely resembling a functioning sense of self, or the ability to be a "devil." Barring true mental illness, a child merely feeds off the environment in which they are raised and the attitude that their parent(s) exhibit. If you believe your child is the devil, you will project that on to them and it will be a self-fulfilling prophecy.

So...don't "cancel" Christmas because you're pissed off at your kids, or that sort of thing. It's ok to cancel a trip to the zoo, or what have you, if your kids misbehave...but you don't want to raise a child that has the memory that Mommy cancelled Christmas one year. You don't want your kids to think that Mommy does things in a knee-jerk fashion. Again...wild swings of behavior on your part will lead to wild swings of behavior on their part.

7-When your children act up in public, IMMEDIATELY remove them from the arena in which they are acting up, and then isolate them until they calm down in a time-out setting. If need be, go home. Inconvenient? Yes...but whoever said kids are convenient? They require work and sacrifice.

8-I don't know to what extent your children's father(s?) are involved in their lives, but they need to be involved as much as possible. CAVEAT-assuming the father(s?) are healthy role models. If not, get a positive male role model involved...grandpa, uncle, etc.

9-You may wish to speak with a counselor about your child. I would, however, see a family counselor who can help you to diagnose what you as a parent need to do to make sure you are properly raising your children.


If any of this sounds harsh, I don't mean it to be.

Xiomara
12-27-2009, 01:03 AM
IDK what happened in this post.

Xiomara
12-27-2009, 01:10 AM
Originally Posted by Mr Hyde
at the risk of being told to buzz off, I am going to make some suggestions which the OP may not like...

1-Stop physically disciplining your child. Spanking is not an effective method of disciplining a child. Use time-outs. Get a timer and designate a specific time-out spot that is isolated, quiet, and boring. A time-out should last a minute for every year of age of your child, plus 5. Set the timer and tell them when it goes off, they can come out. If they move before it's over, move them back. PIA? Yep. Sorry...
Ive been using time out-only for 2 or 3 days. No physical discipline. Seems to be working much better. I dont like physical anyways... Im glad this way is working out.
2-Do not live with your boyfriend. His presence is probably a very large part of the problems you are seeing. If you want further explanations as to why, I will tell you, but trust me on this.
I cant afford to move out I can barely make my car payment. She never sees him anyways. Aside from that, shes been doing this with me since way before I knew my boyfriend, and when I lived alone.

3-Do not "force" your boyfriend or any future boyfriends on your children. Actually, you should go a step further...I would remove him from your children's presence entirely for a little while. Wait and see if the relationship is going to stick...at LEAST 6 months...and then slowly introduce him back in...SLOWLY...and cautiously...let your kids guide you on how they accept him. At the VERY LEAST....no overnights or that sort of thing while they're in your place, and no hugs, forced attention, etc.
I dont "force" them. My youngest loves him like crazy and he loves her like crazy. I didnt realize it may be causing more damage than good, but we didnt want her to feel jealous or hurt that Azaia gets so much attention and not her. So he tried to be equal with the hugs or conversation. He'll back off once we discuss this.

4-Eliminate any "chaos" in your life. I've loosely read some of the threads you have posted on SW and my perception of your personal life is that it is fairly chaotic. I get the impression that the men you seem attracted to are not ideal, and you put yourself into situations that are not healthy for raising children. Avoid the following...late nights, alcohol, parties, random/spontaneous get-togethers with friends, "new" transient friends and people in your life, etc. Kids operate best when there are few surprises in their lives and then they know what is happening around them and can feel secure. If the one person who they rely on to make sure they are secure is chaotic, they will be stressed out and will act out.
No chaos. Though things may have been chaotic with ME, I have always strived to not let me girls see it. I never did bring friends around, or party, or drink, or any of that when I was dancing, and now that Ive grown up some, I try to be the good ol soccer mom type. Cook, clean, read books, keep a regular routine. I realize thats good for them. They dont even know that my bf and I have disagreements sometimes. I dont let them see me upset with life or my bf or anything.I think Im doing pretty good in this area.

If I am wrong about my perception of your life, I'm sorry. I only see a snapshot of it on here. Even if I am wrong, the advice is still solid....a quiet, "boring" life is one in which children thrive.
I am pretty boring...Seriously,not the typical 25yr. old here..

5-Get your kids in to a set routine from which they do not vary. Get them up at the same time every day. Put them to bed at the same time every night. Feed them at the sames times every day. Have a set waking up and bedtime routine. Whoever watches them while you work, have them do the same. Do not vary the person that watches them on a daily basis.
Im aware that routine is important. I hated their dad used to have a hundred different sitters. I have ONE daycare and ONE babysitter that charges a freakin arm and a leg, but shes good with them, they love her, and shes reliable.I DO have pretty strict routine around here.

6-Don't take your frustrations out on your child. A 6 year old does not have anything even remotely resembling a functioning sense of self, or the ability to be a "devil." Barring true mental illness, a child merely feeds off the environment in which they are raised and the attitude that their parent(s) exhibit. If you believe your child is the devil, you will project that on to them and it will be a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Ok maybe I shouldnt have said "devil" in my title. But she DOES upset me so badly that I dont know what to do sometimes. But when I look into her eyes today, I realize I need to make a change with myself and not let her frustrate me so bad.Time outs and a lil discussion afterwards are worth not gettin too worked up.

So...don't "cancel" Christmas because you're pissed off at your kids, or that sort of thing. It's ok to cancel a trip to the zoo, or what have you, if your kids misbehave...but you don't want to raise a child that has the memory that Mommy cancelled Christmas one year. You don't want your kids to think that Mommy does things in a knee-jerk fashion. Again...wild swings of behavior on your part will lead to wild swings of behavior on their part.
The Xmas tree was canceled and the gift opening but not the cookie baking and movies and cuddling all day. She understands what happened, and why Xmas wasnt as huge as last year. She sat in santas lap, and all that. But she needs to not be showing out in class. Shes a smart girl.She knows how to behave.She knows she will get her Nintendo DS in pink when her teacher calls me to tell me she was good for a full week--or maybe two I have not decided yet--.

7-When your children act up in public, IMMEDIATELY remove them from the arena in which they are acting up, and then isolate them until they calm down in a time-out setting. If need be, go home. Inconvenient? Yes...but whoever said kids are convenient? They require work and sacrifice.


8-I don't know to what extent your children's father(s?) are involved in their lives, but they need to be involved as much as possible. CAVEAT-assuming the father(s?) are healthy role models. If not, get a positive male role model involved...grandpa, uncle, etc.
Azaia doesnt remember shawn (the car thief) and Ahrie doesnt either. Ahries dad was there for the birth of both of them, claims both of them, LOVES both of them.I have ZERO family here as I moved here with my ex from Ohio to here for the Navy. Im all alone here. Their dad is in VA and he's a good man, I dont agree with his child raising skills, which is one reason we're not together, but all in all he's a good man.

9-You may wish to speak with a counselor about your child. I would, however, see a family counselor who can help you to diagnose what you as a parent need to do to make sure you are properly raising your children.
Good idea. Will be brought up at her doc appt Thursday.


If any of this sounds harsh, I don't mean it to be.

Thanks.

Elvia
12-28-2009, 09:05 PM
I explained to her that just because shes not getting her gifts on Xmas doesnt mean we dont love her. I DID buy her what she wanted and she knows it. She also knows and understands why she cant play with them until she has better behavior. Shes a smart girl, and even if she doesnt like it, she knows that this is a consequence.


I

Also I see in post #1 you didn't get her any presents, and in post #15 you got her what she wants and she knows it. (At 2 pm she gets nothing, in a post at 8pm you got her presents).

You send out a lot of contradictory messages, even on this forum. She is probably very confused.



I actually think holding off on the presents was a good idea. I don't see the confusion- if I followed it correctly, it sounds like Xiomara bought her presents, and her daughter knows it, but she also knows she won't get the presents until she improves her behavior. I don't know why people are freaking out about this, it sounds reasonable to me. Isn't a bug part of the santa concept that santa brings toys to *good* girls and boys? I agree it would have been going too far to not let herhave any Christmas celebrations, but withholding presents until she starts trying to behave better sounds like a reasonable idea to me.

Mr Hyde
12-29-2009, 12:18 AM
I actually think holding off on the presents was a good idea. I don't see the confusion- if I followed it correctly, it sounds like Xiomara bought her presents, and her daughter knows it, but she also knows she won't get the presents until she improves her behavior. I don't know why people are freaking out about this, it sounds reasonable to me. Isn't a bug part of the santa concept that santa brings toys to *good* girls and boys? I agree it would have been going too far to not let herhave any Christmas celebrations, but withholding presents until she starts trying to behave better sounds like a reasonable idea to me.

Eh...better idea is to have Christmas as per normal, and then when the behavior issues arise, take away things that the child wants...put them in the "naughty bin" or something like that...and then make the child re-earn them.

Taking away Christmas as described is...damaging to the self-esteem of a child who sounds like she's already suffering from damaged self-esteem to begin with.

saphire123456
12-29-2009, 06:44 AM
sooo, is this the same guy who was cheating on you in motel 6?

Xiomara
12-29-2009, 08:53 AM
Eh...better idea is to have Christmas as per normal, and then when the behavior issues arise, take away things that the child wants...put them in the "naughty bin" or something like that...and then make the child re-earn them.

Taking away Christmas as described is...damaging to the self-esteem of a child who sounds like she's already suffering from damaged self-esteem to begin with.

My choice turned out fine. Shes fine. She still had Xmas with her God parents. Her self esteem is not damaged over a Xmas tree...

Xiomara
12-29-2009, 08:54 AM
sooo, is this the same guy who was cheating on you in motel 6?

This is the guy who cheats on me, beats me, steals from me, whatever you want him to do...thats what he does.Stop asking that question.
Your answer is no. Wasnt even ME.
Are there any more questions not pertaining to my daughters attitude?
(which has very well improved over the past few days...)

Elvia
12-29-2009, 02:09 PM
I really don't think it's going to damage a kid to have to wait on getting their presents. And I think the idea that it would shows how much we've fetishized commercialization in this culture. My parents did that to me once when I was behaving horrible when I was little, and I think it did me a world of good. It taught me that presents are a reward for good behavior, that I need to earn things in life and not just expect them to be handed to me no matter what I do or don't do, and that I need to think about my actions. They didn't deny me gifts, they bought them but told me I would get them in a month if I made an effort to improve my behavior. Granted, I was a little bit older so maybe a month would be too long for a 6 year old. I'd actually say it improved my self esteem. When a month later they told me how proud they were of me and gave me the presents, I actually felt like I had earned them.

Xiomara
12-29-2009, 07:26 PM
^^ Thanks.
And she has a week of good behavior in school. Wouldnt make her wait a month. Shes been doin OK so far..... :)

girlundressed
12-30-2009, 08:45 PM
Good luck at the doctors appointment! Might want to bring in some notes since a lot was said here. I also hope that the good behavior from her and new pattern from you continue! Hugs.

hot4ablackchick
12-31-2009, 01:19 AM
Damn some of you are being way too harsh. I bet some of you who are being harsh do not even have any children. If you do not have any children, then you just can't relate. Parenting can be hard. You will make mistakes. Some things will be your fault, other things you have no control over. Some kids will just act out to some degree. Every child has a different temperment and what works for some kids will not work for others. Some kids will shape up with one simple and gentle swat on the butt. Other kids can sit in the corner all day and it will do nothing. I've had good results with time outs. I've had good results with spankings.

I've had 6 kids ages 10, 9 year old twins, 7, and 9 month old twins. Parents are going to feel frustrated/angry/dislike their children at times. It doesn't mean she doesn't *like* her baby, or doesn't love her more than life itself. I love my mother, but there have been times when I really didn't like her and wanted to kick her down a flight of stairs. I never did and I never would, but I've felt that way. Saying gee I'm so frustrated I want to send her back to her dad's does not make you a bad parent, it makes you a mother. I know you didn't really mean it, and if you did it would be the best if you honestly thought she would have a better life with her father.

It sounds like you are a great mom, but I don't think moving in with the BF was a good idea. I made that mistake with my now hubby too, even though my kids have always adored him and enjoyed his company. If I had it to do over, I would have waited a lot longer. Theres generally a reason why kids act up to this degree, but it can be difficult to find out why. Counseling will help. I suspect she misses her dad, does not like the live in BF (he may be a great guy but she may see him as the guy 'blocking' you from getting back with daddy), has a very 'emotional - high strung' personality, hates going to school or is being teased, is jealous of her sibling, and she just wants more attention and will do anything to get it even if its negative. Some kids require full attention for what seems like every second of the day.

I think you are taking steps to the right direction, and I am glad to see that you stopped spanking. I am not anti-spank but if something isn't working you should try something else and give it up. Six is still young but it is the age to start to do away with spankings IMO. I wouldn't even think about hitting my kids at their age now. I know some people do not like spanking, but I don't know how I feel about it really. I haven't hit my kids in forever and my little ones are waaayyyy too young for a spanking. Not sure if I'll spank them or not. Anyway, sorry you got flamed for bullshit.

I don't think taking away the X-mas presents is too harsh. Some kids do not get presents at all. Kids need to learn that actions have consequences. I told my son who was being really obnoxious for a few weeks and complaining about what he thought he didn't get for x-mas this year, even though I got him mostly everything he wanted. This was weeks before x-mas and he had no idea what I bought! He was being annoying and acting very disrespectful, ungrateful, and complaining constantly. I sent him to his room when he would start complaining, I talked to him about it and told him how selfish he was acting and that he was acting ungrateful and how I work hard to get him great presents every year. He didn't stop until I told him that every time he complained I would select one of his gifts and donate it to toys for tots. I explained why it was wrong to complain and told him that if he chose to act this way then he would choose to give his toy to kids less fortunate. He never complained again and he knew I was dead serious. Kids should know that no matter what they do, they will always be loved. Material things are not love. Christmas presents are not love. Its ridiculous how many people are riled up over presents. I would have been devastated if I didn't get presents, but you know if my parents explained why I didn't get them and I had the opportunity to 'earn' them back, then why the hell not. It would have definetely made me change my behavior.

Firewall
12-31-2009, 01:23 AM
^ Thanks for the insight. :)

Xiomara
12-31-2009, 01:21 PM
Good luck at the doctors appointment! Might want to bring in some notes since a lot was said here. I also hope that the good behavior from her and new pattern from you continue! Hugs.

Our appoitnment went well. Doc put in a referral for a counselor, so that should come in the mail in a few days and Ill be able to talk with someone about it. Also said that I did good by choosing time out over spanking and that just the fact that it seems to work a l ittle better, along with taking away toys...shows that there will be improvement. What a relief! So things went well....thank you :)

KS_Stevia
12-31-2009, 04:21 PM
Good luck lady, I know you're doing your best, have a happy and fruitful new year with your lovely family.

bexxx
01-01-2010, 05:07 PM
Damn some of you are being way too harsh. I bet some of you who are being harsh do not even have any children. If you do not have any children, then you just can't relate. Parenting can be hard. You will make mistakes. Some things will be your fault, other things you have no control over. Some kids will just act out to some degree..

I think this was the best response in this topic

saphire123456
01-02-2010, 06:35 AM
This is the guy who cheats on me, beats me, steals from me, whatever you want him to do...thats what he does.Stop asking that question.
Your answer is no. Wasnt even ME.
Are there any more questions not pertaining to my daughters attitude?
(which has very well improved over the past few days...)

lol, ok cause you edited that post now saying it wasn't you (Last edited by Xiomara; 12-29-2009 at 02:40 PM.. ) ::), whatever, denial -not just a river in egypt

Xiomara
01-02-2010, 11:02 AM
Amount of help Saphire123456 has been to me: 0 Yet she continues to post...

andiwillbe
01-03-2010, 01:34 PM
Its tough mama. Thankfully, kids are resilient and as long as they have a good environment in the long run, these little blips won't be too impactful. Although I think ages 5-8 are super critical in childhood development- just keep that in mind when making big decisions that affect her.

I am a big proponent of Attachment Parenting ("AP"), which is a style that's very intuitive, natural, hippie ;), and extremely effective in my opinion. This parenting style is taught and recommended to adoptive parents because its focus is to develop a strong parent-child bond. I think it could be particularly helpful to someone in your situation who is dealing with possible attachment/trust issues with your child(ren).

here is the official website:

Dr. Sears's book The Discipline Book is a great read. :)

Hang in there mama and follow your mama insincts

Xiomara
01-03-2010, 04:51 PM
Its tough mama. Thankfully, kids are resilient and as long as they have a good environment in the long run, these little blips won't be too impactful. Although I think ages 5-8 are super critical in childhood development- just keep that in mind when making big decisions that affect her.

I am a big proponent of Attachment Parenting ("AP"), which is a style that's very intuitive, natural, hippie ;), and extremely effective in my opinion. This parenting style is taught and recommended to adoptive parents because its focus is to develop a strong parent-child bond. I think it could be particularly helpful to someone in your situation who is dealing with possible attachment/trust issues with your child(ren).

here is the official website:

Dr. Sears's book The Discipline Book is a great read. :)

Hang in there mama and follow your mama insincts

Thank you very much! Ill check both of em out!
And welcome!

HEAD TURNER 2
01-04-2010, 01:25 AM
The fact that you are reaching out looking for answers to me says you are not a bad mom and you are looking to improve.

Don't worry, keep your head up. A few years has done a lot of good for you, I remember you talking about your ex that stole your car, etc.

I agree with the not spanking and I think its awesome that you have found a better way to discipline your child that she responds better to anyway. I dont see a huge problem with the xmas presents canceling. BEING EXPELLED IS A HUGE THING. You had to take action and do something large to make an impact. You still did everything else that goes along with Christmas.

I am not a mom but I know it is tough and you are learning.

Foghorn Leghorn
01-04-2010, 02:29 AM
What I noticed from your posts is that you tend towards negative reinforcement for discipline. What I mean by that is if your child does something wrong there is a negative consequence like time out, or not getting presents. This approach works with many children, but not all. You should try using positive reinforcement instead where instead of focusing on the bad things she does, you focus on and reward the positive things she does. Here's a system you can try. Take a large piece of paper, put her name on it, and tell her that every time she does something good (like behave well at dinner, do her homework, get a good review from a teacher, or just does what she's asked to do) she gets a star sticker put on the paper next to her name. After she gets a certain amount of stickers she gets a reward. That could be anything from a toy she wanted to getting to do a fun activity with you like miniature golf. The positive reinforcement works because she starts acting better to get the prize at the end, but in the process of behaving well to get stickers, she gets in the habit of behaving well all the time. Give this a try and I bet you'll see great results.

malayataylor
01-04-2010, 02:59 PM
What I noticed from your posts is that you tend towards negative reinforcement for discipline. What I mean by that is if your child does something wrong there is a negative consequence like time out, or not getting presents. This approach works with many children, but not all. You should try using positive reinforcement instead where instead of focusing on the bad things she does, you focus on and reward the positive things she does. Here's a system you can try. Take a large piece of paper, put her name on it, and tell her that every time she does something good (like behave well at dinner, do her homework, get a good review from a teacher, or just does what she's asked to do) she gets a star sticker put on the paper next to her name. After she gets a certain amount of stickers she gets a reward. That could be anything from a toy she wanted to getting to do a fun activity with you like miniature golf. The positive reinforcement works because she starts acting better to get the prize at the end, but in the process of behaving well to get stickers, she gets in the habit of behaving well all the time. Give this a try and I bet you'll see great results.

This is GREAT advice. I do this with my daughter.. I wont say she's an angel, she has her days but she's very well behaved than most kids her age.

Xiomara
01-04-2010, 04:09 PM
What I noticed from your posts is that you tend towards negative reinforcement for discipline. What I mean by that is if your child does something wrong there is a negative consequence like time out, or not getting presents. This approach works with many children, but not all. You should try using positive reinforcement instead where instead of focusing on the bad things she does, you focus on and reward the positive things she does. Here's a system you can try. Take a large piece of paper, put her name on it, and tell her that every time she does something good (like behave well at dinner, do her homework, get a good review from a teacher, or just does what she's asked to do) she gets a star sticker put on the paper next to her name. After she gets a certain amount of stickers she gets a reward. That could be anything from a toy she wanted to getting to do a fun activity with you like miniature golf. The positive reinforcement works because she starts acting better to get the prize at the end, but in the process of behaving well to get stickers, she gets in the habit of behaving well all the time. Give this a try and I bet you'll see great results.

This is what Ive been doing as well....and it DOES work! :) I picked her up from the sitters today and we went to the movies on base and spent some time together before we picked up lil sister from daycare. She is noticing also that shes been getting rewards (and HUGE HUGS) when she;s good. Tomorrow is her first day of school after Xmas break,and since I was told about her being expelled possibly. We'll see how it goes there!!

AudreyLeigh
01-05-2010, 12:53 AM
You should try using positive reinforcement instead where instead of focusing on the bad things she does, you focus on and reward the positive things she does. Here's a system you can try.

Ugh... wish my BFF would get this through her head. If what you are doing isn't working then something is WRONG. Her kids are fine for me - of course I don't scream and yell at them and call them "little brats".

Good luck Xiomara. I'm moving into teen years with my daughter - :eek: I'd rather have a bratty 6 year old!

Xiomara
01-05-2010, 11:49 AM
Oh gosh, I cant wait for the teen years. My girls and I, we ARE very close.....we discuss everything. Ahrie yesterday told me (after I got off the phone with her dad) "Mama just because you dont like someone, doesnt mean you dont still love them..." I was so in awe of her. Shes amazing. Can only imagine what it will be like when shes a teen.
She knows I will be calling her teacher before I go pick her up from school. If the teacher says everything was cool today,Im gonna go CRAZY with " Im SOOOOOO proud of you!!!!!, yay!!!! Thats my girl!! I KNEW you would have a fabulous day!!"" along with a lil dance. LOL Praise praise praise.....

Nuclear Martini
01-05-2010, 12:49 PM
Shes been doing this since before I met my bf. Since before she went to her dads. She never sees my bf. I thought after the time she spent with him, she would have grown out of it. But she hasnt.
Maybe 3 or 4 days in a row she doesnt see him because of work/school hours.Not even on weekends. Its not him.Trust me. And Im not the woman who would choose her man over her baby. Thats why my mom lost us.Cared more for her man than us. Im NOT like that.

Also, she doesnt act like this with her dad because he is much harder on her as far as punishment--which is something I dont do. He doesnt abuse her, but my spankings were nothing like his. He says I baby her. Which maybe I did/do..so she thinks she has more control over situations, which it feels like she does sometimes.

:-\


My father died when I was 5 and up until I was in highschool I felt very protective of my mother around other men, even nice, clean cut guys.
She understood this and didn't introduce me or tell me about anyone she dated up until I was about to graduate from high school.
I think it would have been really traumatic for me to see my mother with another man even if he was helping us. A young child doesn't have perception of "being helped".

What about putting her in ballet classes or ice skating to clear her head?

Xiomara
01-05-2010, 03:20 PM
U know what.... I was actually looking at dance classes... she's real into hip-hop...she LOVES dance. IDK if she has the patience for ballet.... but she is long and lean, I think she would do well. Only thing is she gets SO frustrted so easily (like her mama..Im the same way) but with a little encouragement she jumps right back in..
We also found a nice HUGE house that has NO NEIGHBORS connected to complain about noise...meaning my babies can actually be KIDS and not hushed to death like here... also a HUGE fenced in back yard. Maybe a little more freedom at home will do her good instead of stressin about bein quiet, or not bein able to go out in the yard--which isnt safe now. We move in the end of January. 3 bedrooms, think its a bad idea or good idea to give them their own rooms at this age? Im sure Ahrie would love her own room.

Xiomara
01-06-2010, 02:37 PM
Yesterday Ahrie had an awesome morning and just OKAY day...crumpled some of her work and refused to do some. I emailed her teacher last night to get all that info,and Ahrie sat next to me and read the email and said with huge eyes " You TALK to my teacher mama??" I said "yep I know everything you do even when Im not around! You had an awesome MORNING and Im proud of you for that, but you only had an OK day... tomorrow I need you to have an awesome WHOLE DAY!" I Promised we will see Princess and Frog when I pick her up today if she is good. Sooo just got off the phone with her teacher and she told me Ahrie was AMAZING today...she could tell she was really trying to behave and do the best on her work. Im so proud of my baby. So when I pick her up Im gonna make a huge deal and head to see the movie!!! Yay!!

bexxx
01-06-2010, 03:08 PM
Yesterday Ahrie had an awesome morning and just OKAY day...crumpled some of her work and refused to do some. I emailed her teacher last night to get all that info,and Ahrie sat next to me and read the email and said with huge eyes " You TALK to my teacher mama??" I said "yep I know everything you do even when Im not around! You had an awesome MORNING and Im proud of you for that, but you only had an OK day... tomorrow I need you to have an awesome WHOLE DAY!" I Promised we will see Princess and Frog when I pick her up today if she is good. Sooo just got off the phone with her teacher and she told me Ahrie was AMAZING today...she could tell she was really trying to behave and do the best on her work. Im so proud of my baby. So when I pick her up Im gonna make a huge deal and head to see the movie!!! Yay!!

aww thats great youre making lots of progress and seems like youre figuring things out. And all the women in this topic that were judging you can just eat their words.

Xiomara
01-06-2010, 07:50 PM
Picked her up and sang a song in the car about how my baby got smiley face on her behavior chart today (somethin her teacher and I came up with). I texted her god mom and her dad and her uncle..3 people she absolutely adores and told them about her great day...and each one of them called her and said they are proud of her. she was like "whyyyyy is everybody so excited for my smiley face!!!"" lol but she was lovin it.... So im hoping tomorrow is another good day...though we wont be goin to another movie! Maybe bake some brownies together and watch a Netflix that she can pick out on her own, she would love that... or do somethin fun together....

PleasureVictim
01-06-2010, 10:16 PM
Damn some of you are being way too harsh. I bet some of you who are being harsh do not even have any children. If you do not have any children, then you just can't relate. Parenting can be hard.

Ain't that the truth. I like to believe the bext, most perfect parents are the ones who aren't parents yet!;D

Glad to see things are going better Xiomara. I see there are posters on here who dredge up your past posts and use them to make a point or an assumption.

Xiomara
01-07-2010, 07:52 AM
Thanks :)

^ Yeah I guess they have nothin better to do with their time than hit the search button and type MY name in! Hmmm......

Anyways, thanks for all the advice ladies (and guys!)

missy873
01-08-2010, 12:00 PM
Good for you and your baby Xiomara! I sincerely hope everything continues to go well for your family :)

Xiomara
01-08-2010, 10:49 PM
Thank you. She had a bit of a rough day in school today, but she didnt sleep well last night either. The behavior chart system seems to be going well. (gets a smile or frown everyday and i sign and return...just so Ahrie knows that Im seeing it...)
Thanks all.. :)

Xiomara
01-11-2010, 06:26 PM
Ahrie had a great day in school today! So I told her we would bake a cake with her favorite sprinkles for dessert tonight. But when we get home, she talked back once and raised her voice at me. So now Im like...do I take away the cake idea? Or let her make the cake bc she was good in school.......
I dont wanna confuse her. I wanna reward her for her behavior in school....but her behavior here today....
Im lost.

PleasureVictim
01-11-2010, 09:24 PM
Children can't be well-behaved every single day. As long as you call her on it, and she responds well, you can follow through with your promises. Give her a stern warning or time out then as long as things are going good after that you should enjoy doing fun things together.

When I am getting on my little one about cleaning up toys, doing homework, listening, etc I remind myself that a child's childhood should be full of fun and great memories- not being punished and reprimanded endlessly. When I think of mine that is what I remember before calling to mind the good days. I don't want that for my child.

Xiomara
01-12-2010, 10:36 AM
^ Great advice, thank you. :) She told me this morning " Im gonna get all smiley faces AGAIN mama!" I said " I know you will bcuz ur such a good girl!" she grinned real big and walked to class then turned around to wave at me before she turned the corner. god I love that girl.... how could the same child make me wanna pull my hair out and grab a bottle of 151??? hahaha Kids, gotta love em

princessjas
01-12-2010, 10:54 AM
I'm glad you're having some success! Wish I'd seen this thread earlier. I THINK I've finally got this parenting thing down. At least everyone comments on how well behaved my kiddos are. hehe, They just don't see them ALL the time!

For discipline, I always go with the punishment should fit the crime kind of thing. For backtalking they go in time out. Behaviors are punished the same way every time, no exceptions. For doing well in school, I reward my 6 yr old son with things like movie night. He gets to pick whatever cartoon/movie he wants and stay up late, I pop popcorn, make hot chocolate, the whole nine yards. For big transgressions, I take all computer/TV/Vid game priveledges for the rest of the day or several days, depending on how bad he's been (gawd, I hate that one, it's more like punishment for me, haha). I seem to have excellent success with it, but if I ease up for even a DAY, he's wild. Oh, and it's also a work in progress, as they age, my punishments change to suit there different interests.

We're also very scheduled, we have meals/bath/story reading time/etc at the same time every day. I'm super-lame and organized and boring and the kids really do thrive in that environment. Ty is so awesome that he picks up his room without being told most of the time and both him and E help me scrub up the house. (I'm also a bit of a clean freak. haha)

One last thing, you won't like hearing it, but I agree with everyone here. You really need to move the bf out. You've only been divorced 2 years and already have a guy living with you. That's super quick. I wouldn't even let a guy MEET my kids unless I'd been dating him a few years, it'd take 5 or 6 yrs before I'd remotely consider a move-in type situation. I know he moved in when your daughter was living with her dad and that makes it super tough, but if you continue to have problems, I'd make getting him out of the house my major priority. Kids gotta come first. ;)

Hope things keep moving along a positive track for you!

malayataylor
01-12-2010, 11:02 AM
I'm glad you're having some success! Wish I'd seen this thread earlier. I THINK I've finally got this parenting thing down. At least everyone comments on how well behaved my kiddos are. hehe, They just don't see them ALL the time!

For discipline, I always go with the punishment should fit the crime kind of thing. For backtalking they go in time out. Behaviors are punished the same way every time, no exceptions. For doing well in school, I reward my 6 yr old son with things like movie night. He gets to pick whatever cartoon/movie he wants and stay up late, I pop popcorn, make hot chocolate, the whole nine yards. For big transgressions, I take all computer/TV/Vid game priveledges for the rest of the day or several days, depending on how bad he's been (gawd, I hate that one, it's more like punishment for me, haha). I seem to have excellent success with it, but if I ease up for even a DAY, he's wild. Oh, and it's also a work in progress, as they age, my punishments change to suit there different interests.

We're also very scheduled, we have meals/bath/story reading time/etc at the same time every day. I'm super-lame and organized and boring and the kids really do thrive in that environment. Ty is so awesome that he picks up his room without being told most of the time and both him and E help me scrub up the house. (I'm also a bit of a clean freak. haha)

One last thing, you won't like hearing it, but I agree with everyone here. You really need to move the bf out. You've only been divorced 2 years and already have a guy living with you. That's super quick. I wouldn't even let a guy MEET my kids unless I'd been dating him a few years, it'd take 5 or 6 yrs before I'd remotely consider a move-in type situation. I know he moved in when your daughter was living with her dad and that makes it super tough, but if you continue to have problems, I'd make getting him out of the house my major priority. Kids gotta come first. ;)

Hope things keep moving along a positive track for you!

ditto!

Xiomara
01-12-2010, 01:38 PM
I seperated from her dad in 2005, actually. And I moved in with the b/f to his house, he didnt move with me, because when I quit dancing, I couldnt afford to live on my own anymore. Now that we are moving to a huge house that my kids dont have to be quiet ( STRESSFUL tryin to keep em quiet to please the neighbors) things should go more smoothly for the whole family.
Ahrie actually seemed to like Tony the past few days.. like, not to the point where she wanted to cuddle with him, but wanted to sit by him at the dinner table, and while we watched a movie the other night....

Im excited to hear how she was in school today...going to call now!

mediocrity
01-12-2010, 02:43 PM
I'm glad you're having some success! Wish I'd seen this thread earlier. I THINK I've finally got this parenting thing down. At least everyone comments on how well behaved my kiddos are. hehe, They just don't see them ALL the time!

For discipline, I always go with the punishment should fit the crime kind of thing. For backtalking they go in time out. Behaviors are punished the same way every time, no exceptions. For doing well in school, I reward my 6 yr old son with things like movie night. He gets to pick whatever cartoon/movie he wants and stay up late, I pop popcorn, make hot chocolate, the whole nine yards. For big transgressions, I take all computer/TV/Vid game priveledges for the rest of the day or several days, depending on how bad he's been (gawd, I hate that one, it's more like punishment for me, haha). I seem to have excellent success with it, but if I ease up for even a DAY, he's wild. Oh, and it's also a work in progress, as they age, my punishments change to suit there different interests.

We're also very scheduled, we have meals/bath/story reading time/etc at the same time every day. I'm super-lame and organized and boring and the kids really do thrive in that environment. Ty is so awesome that he picks up his room without being told most of the time and both him and E help me scrub up the house. (I'm also a bit of a clean freak. haha)

One last thing, you won't like hearing it, but I agree with everyone here. You really need to move the bf out. You've only been divorced 2 years and already have a guy living with you. That's super quick. I wouldn't even let a guy MEET my kids unless I'd been dating him a few years, it'd take 5 or 6 yrs before I'd remotely consider a move-in type situation. I know he moved in when your daughter was living with her dad and that makes it super tough, but if you continue to have problems, I'd make getting him out of the house my major priority. Kids gotta come first. ;)

Hope things keep moving along a positive track for you!

Ok, I had a really unconventional upbringing, but I have never understood what back talking is? I've seen parents be all DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME? and the kid's like "yes." and then it's DON'T YOU BACK TALK ME!! I don't get it.

Or when my dad would be like "Put your shoes on before you go outside", I'd ask why, and he'd say something like "Because I don't want you stepping on glass or hurting your feet." and then I'd generally do it.

So what sort of scenario is back talking? I also don't have kids, so. Yknow.

princessjas
01-12-2010, 03:38 PM
Ok, I had a really unconventional upbringing, but I have never understood what back talking is? I've seen parents be all DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME? and the kid's like "yes." and then it's DON'T YOU BACK TALK ME!! I don't get it.

Or when my dad would be like "Put your shoes on before you go outside", I'd ask why, and he'd say something like "Because I don't want you stepping on glass or hurting your feet." and then I'd generally do it.

So what sort of scenario is back talking? I also don't have kids, so. Yknow.

I explain why they need to do things when they ask too. Asking is just normal curiosity and a sign of intelligence, imo. A LOT of parents do seem to throw that term around pretty loosely.

To me backtalking is when I tell my 6 yr old to do something and he yells no at me in a nasty tone, or once he called me stupid and mean when I told him it was time to brush his teeth the second time, that was also something I considered backtalking. He's also just flat out argued with me about things like when I explained why he still needs to hold my hand in parking lots, he kept arguing and doing the counter point thing till I got fed up and told him, cars are dangerous and you are not invincible and that's just how it is and to drop it...so when he kept going, he got a time out for back-talking. It's not something we generally have a problem with, he's really only said things like that 2 or 3 times, right after he heard a kid in his Kindergarten class do the same.

Xiomara
01-12-2010, 06:03 PM
Ahrie will say " WAIT!" when I tell her to do something or say stuff under her breath..like "this is dumb, or you dont even knw what ur talkin about" to me thats back talk. she generally doesnt tell me NO anymore...shes smarter than that, thats the free pass to the corner for double 6 minutes..... i dont play!

Xiomara
01-14-2010, 07:23 PM
Ahrie had a good day in school today.
Also she RAN to tony when he came in from work yesterday and gave him a hug, and today gave him a hug...and he dropped her off at school in the morning yesterday bcuz I had to get to work before her school opened..and she thought the was the coolest thing ever.. and she cuddled up with him and watched a movie until he tucked her in to bed. She just totally turned around.
I wonder if my whole change of attitude has changed things...or my positive discipline things....IDK....but Im lovin it! :)

babybambi08
01-22-2010, 02:52 PM
I agree with paris she may be depressed..
But I have to say when I saw the title I said "SOMESONE met my Ex's son!"

My ex has an autistic son and he got away with murder.. seriously! He was the worst child on the planet, so dont feel bad! I looked up every single thing on autisum and this kid was just COMPLETELY out of control!

Its all his parents fault, his mom was a middle school drop out, and just lets her kids run wild!
and his dad my ex, was just an idot all together!
ONCE my ex was like all (my devil) child eats is apple jack and I said umm he can eat something else cause Im not going to the store at 7AM for one kid when we have food..
WELL he (as in his dad) threw a fit so I went, when I came back the little BASTARD wouldnt eat them!! I wanted to KILL him!

after that EVERY single day his son would sleep in the living room cause he was TOO good to sleep in the guest bed in my kids room!! yea, so at 11 a clock I had to go in my room cause the bastard child could sleep, WHY the kid always went to sleep at 11 I have no fucing idea. BUT every morning the devil would scream At the TOP of his lungs "DADDY DADDy I want eggs" he screamed like this for a FUCing full hour, til his no good loser ass dad would get up.. he didnt want me to make him eggs but whatever..

the devil child would flip my kids plate over when it was full of food.. I saw him do it about 4 times!

My two kids who were 3 never EVER hit each other before til the devil child started hitting him!

There are worst kids out there.. just meet my exs son

Xiomara
01-22-2010, 09:13 PM
I feel sorry for that boy...^^ Its sad that parents cant get it together, and allow that kind of behavior, and the kid thinks its OK to go through life like this. My child may not be perfect, but I dont ALLOW her to act that way.
Glad he's your EX. I see why! Ick.