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idreamofaislin
02-18-2010, 04:07 PM
Dear cancer,

You really suck. He's been my best friend for eleven years. He showed up when I was in fourth grade. Today, we go to the doctor and find out he has two months? You really, really suck.

Just go away,
Ashlynn

rubyredlipsss
02-18-2010, 04:55 PM
^ i started crying when i read that, i'm an emotional mess right now as it is. that happened to my father, he went into the hospital and found out he had cancer and only a few months to live. i wish i could say that he survived to provide you with hope but he didn't. my thoughts are with you.

firemaiden04
02-19-2010, 02:52 PM
Dear #10,
Wow, it's been, what, three years since the last time we saw each other? And three and a half or four years since the last time we screwed around? We always were really great friends, and great friends-with-benefits. Then your cunt of a (then) girlfriend calls me in the middle of the night and tells me you want nothing to do with me, to stop calling you, you think I'm a whore, etc. While I was disgusted with her terrible, manipulative, controlling dominance over you, I was even more disgusted with you for putting up with it. How could you let someone do that to your life? Then you message me on facebook out of the blue a few weeks ago, and I was shocked. You apologized, and I accepted the apology really quick, because although your tolerance for the cunt's bullshit was unacceptable, I've been in the situation myself, and you put up with a lot of shit from Kyle for me back in the day. So, we hung out, and it was a blast. I've forgotten how much fucking fun you are, and there's nobody else in the world who I could sit with and look at weird shit on Google Maps for five hours. And I'd forgotten what it's like to be around someone who's as passionate about music as I am. And I'll never forget that you brought your motorcycle by my parent's house to hang out with my dad when I didn't even live there.

Last night was awesome. Incredible. So fucking hot. Thinking about that will keep me awake at night for awhile. And we drove around blaring Alice in Chains, and we ate goat cheese and chocolate, and we are totally going to do that again. We can cook together, and we can jam together, and you're the only guy I've ever been friends with (or fucked) who my Dad totally loves and respects, because he thinks anyone with a penis should be able to find his way around under the hood of a car, and you've got that more than covered.

You're awesome. I have a blast when I'm around you. I woke up today more bubbly and happy than I've been in a long time. We'll have to do this again soon.

-Alaina

Athenathefabulous
02-19-2010, 09:59 PM
Dear the cashiers at whole foods,

stop trying to make me feel like satan when i request that you double bag my groceries. seriously, you throw all of my groceries in one bag, and after 100 feet of walking , it will break. Its one extra grocery bag, and will save the environment from the broken glass that will inevitably follow when the single bag breaks.

also, i dont know why you are on such a high horse. you are a cashier, at a corporation. and yes, whole foods is still a corporation. Fuckin yuppies.

Angrily,
-H

crazybeautiful28
02-19-2010, 10:45 PM
Dear John,

I don't know why I wasted over a year of my life with you. You were one sad pathetic excuse of a boyfriend, and a man. You were the laziest boyfriend I have ever had, and THE smallest dick I have ever seen. I should have known from the beginning when I began to sense that you were a spineless mama's boy, but you were like a lost puppy that I felt I could save. Well, you were lost, lost from reality. If you think you will ever get a girlfriend as faithful, honest, understanding, and supportive as me well you're horribly mistaken. No woman will put up with your lazy, cheap ways. Maybe when you are able to make a decision for yourself and stick up for yourself (and your girlfriend) then maybe you might have a chance with some. However, I'm pretty sure you'll blow it when she finds out how unproductive, clueless, a bad cook, bad in bed, stupid, and down right oblivious you are. Unless she finds it cute that you don't know north from south, and that you NEVER take her out to dinner because you spend all your money on your three P.O.S. care, and let your ex girlfriend walk all over you. I hope someday you wake up and smell the coffee and actually get around to using that gym mymbership. THEN, maybe you'll realize what you had, what you lost, and what you will never have again. Loser.

Regretfully,
R

JayATee
02-20-2010, 03:16 PM
Dear Ex-

What are you hoping to accomplish by coming between us? What is it that you want? The mere satisfaction that you're capable of destroying what made me happiest simply because it wasn't you? You don't want to be with me. I don't want to be with you. The only thing we were ever good at was sex, granted really great, really intense, mind blowing unbelieveable sex, but that's all it ever was. GET OUT OF MY FUCKING LIFE. Stop looking at me like a cat looks at cream. Yes you make my heart race, yes I know you know it, yes I know what it means when I get that look from you. NOTHING IS GOING TO COME FROM IT. I'm not going to slip up. I'm not going to let you in. I'm not going to give in. You're nothing but misery and IM MARRIED. So what are you doing exactly? You and he are buddy buddy now? How did you even find him? Given how he's been treating me I can only imagine what you've been telling him. Good for you. If you actually do manage to accomplish your goal just know that I will stop at nothing to destroy you. I will have no remorse and I will sleep just fine at night. You're playing a really really dangerous game given the information you know I have. If you're smart you'll quit while you're ahead.

Not kidding around-

-J

mediocrity
02-20-2010, 04:42 PM
Dear J-

I am so, so sorry. I shouldn't have believed her. You've never lied to me, we never fight, you're nothing short of amazing. But add too much tequila, a girl who wants to sabotage me, and my health issues flaring up... I lost it.

Thank you for forgiving me. And thank you for telling me you love me, however roundabout.

I love you too.

M

Dear JD-

You are one of the very best friends I have ever had. Thank you for talking to me yesterday and last night. I'll see you in two weeks.

I love you!

M

msincredible01
02-20-2010, 05:57 PM
Dear drugged up Jonahs Brothers look-a-like from last night,

Thank you for groping me and not stopping when I told you to stop. Does the word "no" repeated 6 times over mean anything to you? Thank you ever so kindly for sticking your hand up my pussy to prove your point. I must have been asking for it. Then thank you for shoving two twenties between my ass while i screamed at you to get the fuck out of my club.

P.s the 5 dollar tip you left me was a lovely touch.


Dear Bouncer Paul,

You don't get paid to polish off a bag of ranch dorito's every night. Where in your job description did it say to blame the 115 lb dancer for not being able to "handle it herself" while you sat ten feet away playing on your Iphone. Once again, a terrific example of incompitence in the work place.

Yours truely,

M

SabrinaMorgan
02-21-2010, 09:46 AM
Dear Mom,

I was so happy you'd found someone that made you happy. I'm sorry the third time wasn't the charm and he turned out to be like all the rest. I can't bring myself to call him stepfather, your husband, anything except his name with a touch of contempt. He can go on and off them, but there is no medication that gets rid of Asshole.

It's guys like that that make me scared to ever get married.

I miss us being a family.

Regretfully,

S.


Dear Younger Sister,

I'm sorry life threw you into the shitter once more. I'm starting to think bad luck is genetic. I hate that you're depressed and pissed off all the time, and I hate that when I try to cheer you up or help you out you act like you're doing me a favor.

I wish you'd call me sometimes when I needed something instead of when you did. I hope things work out.

You make me so, so glad I never did the student loans/car loans thing.

You piss me off so much, you take people for granted, you mooch and have the biggest sense of entitlement I've ever seen. You would have made bank as a blonde princess on Niteflirt back when you were blonde, but you were too good for this business.

I love you. Good luck.

Love,
Your sis.


Dear Guy Friend A,

She's jerking you around. You know it. We've told you. She might mean well but she will never, ever make a decision, not when she never has to. Ambivalence is not a sign of lasting love. Please, please respect yourself and move on before you start to feel contempt.

Your friend
S.

Dear Guy Friend B:

Ditto. And seriously, you agree with me about guy friend A; why do you not see the parallels? He's a blonde. What's your excuse?

Your friend who would smack you in the face if you wouldn't like it so much,
S.


Dear cats:

Any given morning I wake up with the 12 pounder sleeping on my arm and the 5 pounder bouncing down the hallway so loud it echoes. You try to steal my beverages. You sit directly in front of my monitor to force me to go to bed. You limp around for days making me think you're near death, then 15 minutes into the vet visit you're suddenly healed. You practice kung fu moves on each other while I'm trying to code.

You are the most ridiculous creatures.

I f'in love you guys.

<3,
S.


Dear SC:

The tabby terrors above have exhausted what passes for my maternal instinct. Seriously, if you want to spawn, give it up and move along to another, friendlier uterus. I made you agree that you were perfectly fine with another cat in lieu of offspring. I made you shake on it in front of witnesses. I WILL hold you to that, don't ever doubt.

I think we've become roommates, and I'm okay with that. You're a good guy. We've been through a lot together. Just lay off the Call of Duty; you weren't eating or sleeping and you were kind of turning into a dick.

-S.

Trem
02-21-2010, 10:38 AM
Dear Shakira:

What the F happened to you? Do more of THIS (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DAlTlcXGGe4), and a lot less of whatever you call what you've been doing lately please.

Almost Jaded
02-21-2010, 01:33 PM
Wow JayATee - that's several letters in row to the ex, all of them pretty detailed. And they sound ever so familiar. I wish we knew each other better as friends so I could help you avoid the inevitable, lol. :( Sorry to comment, those letters just sounded waay too familiar.

JayATee
02-21-2010, 02:46 PM
Comment all you like lol. The whole situation is out of control.

pixierocksonthepole
02-21-2010, 03:11 PM
Dear husband,

You really are incredible. I can't tell you enough and I can't get enough of you. You don't have to do anything to make me smile but love me. It is such a great feeling you give me and I hope that I make you feel just as good. Your smile melts me still and your warmth just calms me down. With you I know everything will be just fine and we can get through anything. Thank you for taking a chance on me.

I love you <3

~Wife

firemaiden04
02-21-2010, 03:42 PM
Dear #10,

Cheers to another fucking incredible night. How do I have so much fun with you? I don't think I've ever been around a guy I've been more comfortable with, and who was as comfortable with me. I've been in such an incredible mood since I started talking to and hanging out with you again. Not to mention the mind-blowing sex... You're awesome.

CKXXX
02-22-2010, 01:33 PM
Dear Dan my masseur,

You rock. My back still hurts but not quite as bad(theres only so much anyone can fix in an hour) and you damn well worked your butt off to fix it as much as you could. You are one of the only massage therapists I've ever had that actually LISTENS to me and works the areas that I tell you are really bad and isnt afraid to go deep and hard to get the knots out.

SO many times i would go to get a massage and I dont even know why they bothered to ask if there was anything I wanted them to concentrate on because they just went into autopilot and did their little choreographed routine anyway. Or they wouldnt go deep enough (even though I ALWAYS specify deep tissue)because they didnt want to hurt me. Grrrr...I'm ALREADY hurt you dolt, thats why Im here. I dont care if you hurt me NOW..I care if I feel better when I LEAVE.

But if I say my lower back hurts (like today) You will spent 45 min out of the hr working on my lower back. Thank you for actually LISTENING!!!

I wish i could tip you a lot more. When I can afford to I will tip you 100% or more!

Oh..and you're kind of cute...in an innocent Mormon-esque kind of way.lol And oddly enough, my married name is the same as your wifes maiden name! No relation though.

Thanks!
Cam

Xiomara
02-22-2010, 02:02 PM
dEAR mOM,
I have resented you for years for tearing me and my brothers and sisters apart, forcing us to grow up alone without anybody to turn to. I resented you for choosing a man who didnt really want us, over your own children. I resented you for allowing said man to move you to the middle of NOWHERE, far away from the court systems who had control of your children, into the home HE had built with ONE bedroom...and then believing his lie of "the contractors forgot to build the kids rooms...". I resented you for missing my first period, for missing my prom, for missing my first boyfriend, for missing my majoretting and cheerleading, for missing my marriage and kids birth. It took a lot of guts after not talking to you for years to pick up the phone and call you and tell you about your grand-daughters, and to try to forgive u and build a relationship with you. I thought we could move forward, even if it hurt me.
Now, I hate you again. I never want to speak to you again. I drove 20 hours STRAIGHT from Florida to Michigan, in December, with $300.00 and no heat in my truck to get my baby girls who needed me to come and bring them home to Florida with me, where they belonged.I promised my baby I would be there NOVEMBER 29 and damn it I was there NOVEMBER 29 by any means it took me to get there. You do that for your kids. U dont let them down. I asked you to come have dinner with me and MEET your grandbabies before I left. You didnt have time to drive 20 minutes to see us. But you would have done it for your husband.
I thank you for everything you taught me...what NOT to do.
Thanks a whole fuckin bunch.
--Grew up fine without you--and better,
N

sxcbbw
02-23-2010, 01:31 PM
Dear most of the people I know,

Please stop asking me if I go to a "real" university and if I'm getting a "real" degree. Yes, I am. Please stop asking me who is going to take my "fake" degree seriously. Please stop telling me you thought I'd have dropped out by now, just because YOU have. Please take me seriously. Please have some confidence in me, because I have very little and your careless comments are eating away at it.

Sincerely,
Someone that WILL have an English degree very soon.

mediocrity
02-23-2010, 01:33 PM
Dear Dallas,

Please don't take him forever. You can borrow him, to sort out your unfinished business. But don't keep him, ok? I had nightmares last night about him being kidnapped.

Or I will come burn you down. Or end up having to stay with you, which I am not thrilled about.

Cautiously,

M

Amareth
02-23-2010, 03:00 PM
Dear Self,

Please stop procrastinating and making excuses for being lazy. Seriously, just get off your arse and leave the house once in a while, you're wasting time sitting inside all day and sleeping 12hrs straight all the time. Also stop worrying about things you can't control, just let it go and focus on being happy and positive. The world is an amazing place so go and enjoy it!

Cheers
-A

mediocrity
02-23-2010, 04:47 PM
Dear Mum-

You. are such. AN ASSHOLE.

GAH!

Painstakingly,

M

livefreeordie
02-24-2010, 06:54 PM
I love this idea, and a lot of these (esp. the ones to exes) are killer.

Dear ex,

Thanks for 4 years of physical, mental, and emotional abuse, you fucking sociopath.

Thanks for guilting me into taking you back at least 5 times over the course of our relationship - including the time YOU broke up with ME.

It's hysterical that you think I want to be your friend now - as far as I'm concerned you should be locked up in a mental institution somewhere, preferably on an island surrounded by water.

I still get fucking terrified that you're going to pull that shit where you show up at my house uninvited and knock on my ground floor bedroom window at 7 AM. I'm finally getting over my PTSD from that time when you raped me on Valentines Day, but I still had a fucking anxiety attack when it passed this year.

Remember when you had to go to court-ordered anger management? And you didn't learn a fucking thing about yourself or change any of the behaviors that got you there? That was when I realized you were either a sociopath or a complete fucking moron.

I can't believe an ugly, bipolar sonofabitch like you like to bang a sweet piece of ass like me for so long. I faked. Every time. Not once in 4 fucking years did you give me an orgasm. Yeah, wrap your mind around that for a second.

I can't believe it took me so long to realize how ungodly lame you are. You play WoW. And D&D. And Magic. You paint mini figures. You are the dictionary definition of lamesauce.

Get your teeth fixed, for Christ's sake, they're fucking disgusting.

All of our mutual friends hate you. You annoy the shit out of them with your shocking inability to understand appropriate behavior. They prefer me. They've told me so.

It's not me, it's you. You giant tool.

Die,
lfod

PS. It's "no one", not "noone", you fucking moron!!!


Dear current boyfriend,

You are the greatest thing since cheese. I feel like my soul has grown back since meeting you. I was a damsel in distress - now I'm gaining confidence and doing things for myself with your love and support. Please stay a knight in shining armor...please don't turn into the dragon. Don't be in a rush to marry me. Things are great now, but let's see how they are when the bloom is off the rose.

(If you're seriously serious about giving up smoking, I would be 10X more likely to say yes, eventually.)

All my love,
lfod

Dear parents of current boyfriend,

I respect you both to no end. Your son is incredibly important to me - I'm not some hustler jerking him around. (I mean, shit, I don't fucking MOVE for just anyone you know.) I've seriously considered joining the military, just to win your approval.

I'm sorry I'm not from a rich white neo-con family - please stop holding it against me. I'm smart and funny and very respectful, if you would just open your minds and give me a try. You did a great job raising your son, and he loves me, so why do you think you won't?

I know you have had bad things happen to your family. Don't let the White Fear close off your lives to new things forever. Ask us over for dinner - I would jump out a window in utter fucking euphoria if we received that invitation from you.

Please. Just try. That's all I ask. If I'm in any way rude, obtuse, or otherwise unfit for your family, go right back to hating my guts. Only give me the chance to prove you wrong.

I am a real, actual person, with a heart, and with feelings. Please consider that as well. Your actions have an effect on me. Your disapproval is a stone in my heart.

Best wishes,
lfod

Dear Jake Gyllenhal,

Nom nom nom nom nom nom.

Nom,
lfod

Dear hot male friend of mine,

Even though you have the god-like body of Tyler Durden, and I know you're into me, I am so glad we didn't hook up at that party that night. A question mark is so much sexier than a period.

Til we meet under different circumstances,
lfod


Dear all of my female friends from high school,

What happened to you guys? You used to be so fucking cool and smart and funny and kind. If you're wondering why I stopped sharing my secrets with you, it's cause you turned into unrecognizable elitist bitches. Please don't let existential malaise become your defining personality trait - please don't become those shallow yuppies yet. You're 19, 20, 21. Your lives don't have to be perfect right now, so stop pretending and trying to impress each other. You can still dream, explore, discover. You have the rest of your life to act like princess-complex douchebags. Don't start yet.

Affectionately,
lfod


Dear older brother,

You graduated from college with an awesome degree. NOW GET A FUCKING JOB.

I mean, Jesus. Have a goal in your life for once.

love,
lfod

Dear best/worst frenemy,

Can't believe it took me so long to realize what stone-cold bitch you are and cut you out of my life.

Also, you have gotten really fucking fat since high school. You must have gained 40 pounds. And it makes me joyously happy, in a really perverse way, because I remember how you told me you hated and feared fat people back then.

In fact, I'm pretty sure I stay thin just to piss you off.

You are a mean person. No one likes you. We all just tolerate you because you've been part of the group so long.

With irritation,
lfod

Dear Obama,

Don't give up. I am young but I understand that real political change takes a long time. It doesn't matter what the 24 hour news cycle says when they get impatient with you. I still believe in you. I'll vote for you in a heartbeat in 2012.

Stay classy,
lfod

Dear guy I knew and loved years ago,

I'm sorry I cheated on you - you deserved so much better. I was in an abusive relationship that was killing my soul. Never told you this, but when you left me, I was pregnant, and it was yours. I had the abortion. I still dream about you. You were the best lover I ever had by a mile - now you live on the other side of the planet. I hope we reunite some day so I can apologize for hurting you and tell you how much I still care for you.

Missing you,
lfod

Dear universe,

Please send me some money. 10K would cover it. I just want to finish college.

All the best,
lfod

rubyredlipsss
02-24-2010, 08:38 PM
dear bipolar,

stop fucking with me and my emotions. being a train-wreck is no fun on me, my family or friends. i try to stay strong but sometimes i get sick of managing you and want to give up.

sincerely,
your crazy mind

dear ex,
i wish we weren't so fucking far away and the distance and my problems didn't tear us apart. i still miss you like crazy and in times like these i miss the warmth of your body and your hold strong hold...you instilled strength in me during times i didn't know i had. you taught me so much about myself and really made take a hard look at how i was treating people, especially you...someone who didn't deserve the emotional and sometimes physical abuse that resulted from my mania. you stayed patient with me but now i feel like i'm losing you forever. i wish i could hate you, it always makes it so much easier for me to cope with things but i can't.

whether it's for better or worse that we're not together, i hope we will talk soon when we're ready. i miss having you a part of my life. and most of all when something shitty happens i love the way you say, 'bah it's life' in your accent.

but mostly, i'm sorry for treating someone so great so badly. i know i've told you this before and now i've stopped but i still have a hard time letting go of how much i lashed out on you. you stayed so calm and loved me so much...and stayed with me through one of the most difficult times in my life.

i still love you, always will and am forever grateful that i've had you in my life, even if it's been awhile since we talked.

gratefully,
your babylove.

mediocrity
02-24-2010, 08:56 PM
Dear Boss,

Please continue to sexually harass me. It's good for my psyche.. I dig it.

Awaiting your smack on the ass with your clipboard,

M

Xiomara
02-25-2010, 02:06 PM
Dear lil brother,
I am SO proud of you. I lost you for 12 years, and I hear you have been through a lot. Im glad we found eachother again, and in good points in our lives. You graduated from Air Traffic Control school yesterday.i cried like a baby. I never thought you would become a Marine back in our younger days. I am so thankful, and even though my Navy Avionics Electrician boyfriend thinks that Marine ATC's suck and do nothing but stare at lil dots on a screen all day....to me, you are defending my country. I'm so proud of you for coming up past the hell of a life a lived, and becoming the amazing man that you are today. I love you so much and Im sad to see you ship out to Japan. But I know that you wanted to travel..so Im happy for you. But still mad that we couldnt spend YEARS together and not just 6 months. I LOVE YOU LIL BROTHER!!
--your big sister...
N

Xiomara
02-25-2010, 02:13 PM
Mittens,
You are the coolest cat. You go for walks with me, you chase me around the house, you run to the door when U hear my car pull up, you cuddle with me, you chase your tail in circles always when Im sad...I think you know that makes me laugh,and feel better, you play rough with me but never scratch me... you have been through a lot with me, and moved to a lot of places with me, and always came back when I let you out, even when I was too broke to buy you a bag of cat food for 2 or 3 days. You drive me crazy when U insist on walking across my laptop while I type on the bed, and knock my vertical blinds around on the patio tryin to catch birds that U will never catch since U are now an indoor only cat. U poop 18 times a day and I always have to clean that damn box. Haha but I still love you. I cried for 3 days when Tony made me get rid of you...but 3 months later Tony told me I could bring you back because he saw how much you meant to me. You are awesome. I love you,cat.

PS...that time I went to Disney World for 3 days, and we CLOSED the pantry door where your 3 day supply of food and water and litter box was....that was an accident..I didnt mean to forget to double check to make sure it was open for you before we left!! Im sorry!

mediocrity
02-25-2010, 02:53 PM
Dear self,

When on earth did you become such a slutbag? It's awesome.

Go on you sexy beast-

Yourself.

pixierocksonthepole
02-25-2010, 03:39 PM
Dear husband,

Thank you dearly for this afternoon's romp. It was glorious. And I am still quivering.

Can't wait for tonight. :)

~Wife

jadelady
02-25-2010, 04:57 PM
Dear snow, there is too much of you! Okay?! Peace out.

Xiomara
02-26-2010, 11:04 AM
Dear Pixie,
I am jealous of your afternoon romps. I wanna quiver too! I hope when you do it again tonight, I will be doin it too!
In heat,
Xiomara






Dear husband,

Thank you dearly for this afternoon's romp. It was glorious. And I am still quivering.

Can't wait for tonight. :)

~Wife

firemaiden04
02-27-2010, 01:16 PM
Dear #10,

That message you sent me last night was so sweet, I'm still smiling. You are perfect. I adore you.

-Alaina

mediocrity
02-27-2010, 02:22 PM
Dear J,

THANK YOU for letting me bang that hot Abercrombie model last night, and our lady M while you're out of town. Thank you, thank you, thank you. He was delicious, but I miss you. I also find the more I have sex with women, the more straight I realise I am, but it's ok. I will still do it for you, don't worry.

Come home soon please. Weekend benders are not the same without you.

Love,

M

JayATee
03-01-2010, 12:42 AM
Dear Universe-

Stop shitting on me. Please. I'll do just about anything to make this stop.

Thanks in advance,
J

pixierocksonthepole
03-01-2010, 06:09 AM
Dear body,

please, I'm begging you, whatever it is you are doing...stop it. it hurts and I don't know how to fix it. and i find it convienent that you are doing it when i cant get to a doctor but you dont when i can. jerk.

~me

Xiomara
03-02-2010, 07:24 AM
Dear landlady,
Pleeeease let me keep my cat. Ill do anything!

princessjas
03-02-2010, 07:44 AM
Dear Mom,
I hope you get better soon. I really do. Until then though, I can't let you pull me down with you. I have to much awesomeness in my life to allow that to happen. I WILL NOT go begging the Dr for diet pills again. Do you know how embarrassing that was? I used to work with those people. The people in the waiting room were whispering that I was anorexic! I was so mortified I can't put it into words. Plus, having those pills around make ME want to take them. Yes, I inherited all your crazy, but without triggers around I manage to keep it under control MOST of the time.
Love ya (& wanna strangle you a little bit too)
L

Dear mother nature/god/whoever
Thank you for this awesome new life I'm mapping out! It's slow, but it's coming along! Thank you for my incredible kids! They are sweet and funny and just adorable. Thank you for all the awesomeness that's in my everyday life. I promise to try to never overlook the little things again! Just let this kidney thing work out, kay? I'd like to stick around a while to enjoy this life I've been granted. ; )
Happily
L

rubyredlipsss
03-03-2010, 12:47 PM
dear coffee,

i know i don't normally drink you but thank you for relieving me of five days of constipation and allowing me to take a nice big ol dump. it felt great.

lovingly yours,
r

Trem
03-03-2010, 04:31 PM
Dear guys named Dan:

You are not the man. You do not have the master plan. STFU.

Jessie_tinydancer
03-04-2010, 07:58 AM
Dear asshole customers...

One day I am going to bring my strap on to work and rape you in the ass. I hate you. But thank you for your money anyway.

Thats right... go home and masturbate. I feel sorry for you all.

x
Jess

mediocrity
03-04-2010, 02:46 PM
Dear Guy Friend;

That was really, really adorable how you washed my hair for me last night and combed it out when I complained about J being gone. I don't think I have laughed that hard since he left. You're really sweet. I need to find a good girlfriend for you.

Thanks a million, dollface-

M

Oh, and dear J-

For the first time ever, I am awaiting a call with bated breath. I miss you.

Love Always,

M

rubyredlipsss
03-04-2010, 07:00 PM
dear me,

go on with your bad slutty self...last night's guy was just what you needed. don't deny the pleasure anymore.

til next time,
r

princessjas
03-04-2010, 11:50 PM
Dear dipshit father,
Why the fuck do you have to be such a fuckin asshole? Really? Why am I your favorite punching bag? You are goddamn 6 foot 3 inches and built like a linebacker....being able to slap around your 95lb daughter doesn't make you special. Sadly I don't think you think it does either, so I guess you really just hate me that badly. Anyway when I headed to school this morning I was psyched because my split lip was looking a LOT better...then I noticed the huge red scraped knot on my forhead. Oh, and I'm STILL limping asswipe!! If you ask me if I'm drunk one more damn time, I may set you on fire in your sleep! NO, I'M NOT DRUNK, YOU BEAT ME UP AND THAT MAKES ME LIMP AND SOMETIMES EVEN STUMBLE FOR A FEW DAYS!!!

Burn in hell
L

That was very theraputic to write. I feel better already! hehe }:D

Now

Dear daddy,
Sorry about getting groggy and zonking out on you sometimes. I feel terrible about it, but it really is just a function of how safe you make me feel. If I'm relaxing somewhat for the first time in days, I seem to just pass out. haha I can feel it coming on, I get all cuddly and snuggly feeling. I'll start warning you when that happens. haha
Muah! xo
Your little girl

mediocrity
03-04-2010, 11:54 PM
^^ I am assuming these are different men you speak of?

princessjas
03-05-2010, 12:11 AM
^^ I am assuming these are different men you speak of?

Bwahaha! Yes!! Very, very different. haha Need to not post while half asleep! lolerz Father is my actual dad who contributed half my DNA and a bit of other crap while raising me.

Daddy is basically another word for master but it just seems to fit us better and Master just makes me giggle anyway. :D

I only posted them back to back since one was tied to the other. (Zonked out on daddy after he calmed me down from being terrifiied of dipshit father.) hehe, Imma confusing little girl tonight.

Laurisa
03-06-2010, 12:44 PM
Dear Zorro Boots,

You are my next door neighbor in my apartment complex, and you are also a drug dealer. I'm confused as to whether you have a foot fetish or are just socially challenged, but the boots you wear when dropping off and retrieving drugs are not conspicuous. I'm not sure if whether it's knowing that illegal activities are taking place next to me or those ridiculously loud cowboy boots you wear that beat on the concrete when you walk back and forth in front of my living room window that irks me more. If you don't stop with your activities (or just use common sense and change shoes to sate me) then I will have to call the police and file a complaint with the apartment complex.

Sincerely,
J

InTheSpirit
03-06-2010, 01:08 PM
Dear First Crush I've Had in Awhile,

Wow, where did you come from?! Just when I was beginning to embrace and enjoy Singledom, you show up and connect with me, like, immediately. I honestly catch myself wondering if you could be a stalker only because we have SO much in common, say the same things, etc.

I doubt this is going to become anything everlasting but for now, I am enjoying getting butterflies when you text me, jumping up and down when you facebook friend me, and just generally feeling like a twelve year old who "likes a boy".

I am too cool and, let's face it, nervous/scared to share how much I already like you but there's something to be said for just letting things naturally unfold rather than dictating them (as I normally do in my life...)

Also, thanks for understanding (without me having to explain) the Ups and Downs of my line of work. You're lightyears ahead of most men I know.
XoXo,
ItS

p.s. I cannot WAIT to bag you and am grateful I am leaving for two weeks starting Monday as I'm trying really hard to seem somewhat unattainable.... the Atlantic Ocean is the *ONLY* reason we will not be boning this Monday night, when you return home from your weekend trip.

Trem
03-06-2010, 01:14 PM
Dear cold from hell:

Go AWAY. I do not need this right now. If you won't leave me alone at least go ahead and kill me fast.

Dear kitty:

Yeah thanks a fucking lot for sneezing right in my face, i've given express instructions that you shall be buried with me if i don't make it.

firemaiden04
03-06-2010, 04:15 PM
Dear #10:

All right, I am now at the point where I will admit it: I DO want a relationship. A monogamous one. With you. Right now. You are so incredible, I get a smile on my face whenever I think about you. And talking to you last night made me realize how perfect you really are, and that I think I really can trust you, 100%. But, since I refuse to make the first move in these matters, it's all on you, Jon. I know you're looking for monogamy, too. So...I'm waiting...

You're wonderful.

<3 Alaina

XOXO.Katie
03-06-2010, 10:00 PM
Dear Yale Radio,

Sometimes you are really great and then sometimes you go and play Ashlee Simpson and Nickleback. Make up your mind already! Also, why do you want to make me fall back to sleep on my morning commute to school? FYI nobody wants to hear Enya at 7am.

Love,
the girl who paints while listening to you

Dear friends,

Thank you for putting up with me.

Love,
the girl with a dark sense of humor and inappropriate boundaries

Dear me,

Stop hating yourself so much. Seriously you are ruining your own life. Please stick to your diet and exercise plan this week.

Love,
someone who needs to not be so hard on herself

idreamofaislin
03-06-2010, 10:32 PM
Dear Ex,

Okay, dude. You hate your job. I get it. You hated it when I dated you three years ago. You still haven't left it and you have zero excuse. (And don't give me that money bullshit. I know how much you make. Janitors make more, okay?) Obviously you like it. Or maybe you like the attention people give you when you bitch. Either way, it's not gonna get you laid. So shut up and quit hitting on my friends. You're a misogynistic asshole with a two inch dick. (I wish I was joking.) And since you're bum chums with my girly-man ex, go ahead and pass this on to him too: GET OVER IT.

And quit fucking staring at me.

Ashlynn.

Christyismyalias
03-07-2010, 03:34 AM
Dear Universe,

Thank you for my life, and everything in it.

Sincerely,
hb

DITTO!!!!


Dear best friend M,

Thank you for coming into my life and being my motivator for living a sober life and also helping me improve all other areas of my life and helping me realize my potential. I owe you so much! Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!

Love,
Your crazy friend J


Dear knees,
I HATE YOU.
Fuck off,
J

Dear pets,
You are bring such immense joy to my life. Thank you for loving me so much, every day, and unconditionally. You are beautiful babies and I <3 YOU!
Love, your mom :)