View Full Version : Wife dances. Please help me girls!
sxcbbw
02-10-2010, 11:49 PM
Well, i wont be in a one sided relationship. If i scratch her back it would be nice to get the same. We all know that saying. It doesnt go "if i scratch your back you scratch someone elses behind my back". hahah. And ive never ever told her what to do. We have talked and ive asked. And yes i do resent it when ive explained to her how i feel and still she does nothing. She knows this as well.
Sometimes, when you scratch her back, she gives you a footrub instead, and that's perfectly acceptable of her and not one-sided. She does other things for you, don't get hung up on this one. This is a huge part of her life. Yes, music's a huge part of yours. And? You gave it up. Good for you. Enjoy your footrubs quietly.
Im_not_here
02-10-2010, 11:49 PM
Crap its late. I have to crash. Work tomorrow and shes off in 10 min. Thank you sooooo very much everyone for listening to me rant and ranting back. hahahah. I will check back here tomorrow. Nite!
sxcbbw
02-10-2010, 11:55 PM
Crap its late. I have to crash. Work tomorrow and shes off in 10 min. Thank you sooooo very much everyone for listening to me rant and ranting back. hahahah. I will check back here tomorrow. Nite!
Don't forget to get those footrubs!
I wish I was even kidding. I like backrubs, he likes footrubs. We trade, in a really awkward position.
Djoser
02-11-2010, 12:22 AM
I'm not going to sugarcoat things for you.
In my ten years in the business I have seen a lot of extras girls. Some of them do it and their husbands/boyfriends don't have a fucking clue. Some of them do it because they think that's the only way they can keep a competitive edge. Some of them do it because they like it. Though you won't find many like that here, it must be said.
And the more they drink and/or do drugs, the higher the odds that they are doing the extras--though again it's no guarantee.
If she works in a club with a lot of extras going on and you've been hearing repeatedly that she's doing them too, odds are good she might be. OTOH, I've heard that about virtually every dancer I've worked with, at one time or another. A lot of times it's jealousy, cattiness. Sometimes it turns out to be true--I've been very surprised a few times to find out it is (though less and less as it keeps happening).
One thing's for sure, as has been said repeatedly--it takes a very confident man to be with a dancer. Right now your confidence is being undermined in a major way, by what you're hearing, by the atmosphere she is in, and by your own rapidly multiplying fears.
If you don't fix it soon, your marriage is doomed.
It sounds to me like the one thing you can do now to pick things back up, or start anyway, is to work on the band thing. You can both have fun, get a charge out of the sexual energy from the performance, and hopefully fuck each others' brains out on a regular basis...
;D
hockeybobby
02-11-2010, 05:28 AM
Well...it's been said already several times, in several different ways. You imagine things, and suffer all the fear, anger, and anxiety that these imaginings create. Your body doesn't distinguish between real happenings, and thoughts. Without the thoughts you are fine. It's not necessary to change the world, or your wife to be happy. The change has to come inside you.
Other people can't fix your unhappiness. A little self-examination may help though.
jack0177057
02-11-2010, 11:28 AM
Ok here goes. My wife dances. Has since she was 19 or so. She is 28 now and we have been together for about 4 years now. I'm worried about the whole "extras" thing that goes on. She swears she does not do any but I just don't know. First off she is a very sexual person. Second, she only dated girls before me. Third, she drinks a lot at work. Now it isnt too hard to see why I'm paranoid. Alcohol in a sexual charged enviroment and all. And she also tends to work in clubs that are kinda, um, known for extras. What are the odds she is doing horrible things with girls and or guys? I'm know what goes on. I'm a musician (of course) and have done crazy stuff in the SC. And please dont say " you shouldnt have married a stripper". You cant help who you fall in love with. She is a WONDERFUL person outside the club but she does have a very wild side. Any current or former dancers help me out here? Would REALLY appreciate it.
Have you talked to her about working in another club? If everyone else at the club is doing extras, she's either going to do extras or come home empty handed... sorry buddy.
If you love her and don't want to leave, what about having an open marriage?... Instead of fighting her sexuality and her lifestyle, embrace it. Maybe she can bring dancers home for both of you to enjoy. Look into the swinging lifestyle. If you're having sex with other beautiful women (with her consent), maybe it won't bother you so much that's she's doing extras in the club (with your consent). You can't have a "traditional" relationship given your current circumstances, so look at alternative lifestyles that provide some benefits to you, too.
mediocrity
02-11-2010, 11:30 AM
Have you talked to her about working in another club? If everyone else at the club is doing extras, she's either going to do extras or come home empty handed... sorry buddy.
If you love her and don't want to leave, what about having an open marriage?... Instead of fighting her sexuality and her lifestyle, embrace it. Maybe she can bring dancers home for both of you to enjoy. Look into the swinging lifestyle. If you're having sex with other beautiful women (with her consent), maybe it won't bother you so much that's she's doing extras in the club (with your consent). You can't have a "traditional" relationship given your current circumstances, so look at alternative lifestyles that provide some benefits to you, too.
No. No. Just no.
I worked in an extras laden club in SF. I made LESS, but I didn't compromise my own values.
Sorry jack, this is rotten advice. HUGE difference between open marriage and prostitution. J and I aren't married, but I quite honestly think I would kill him with my bare hands if I found out he was whoring himself out. Matter of fact, I'd chop his balls off and make him wear them as a necklace.
sxcbbw
02-11-2010, 11:36 AM
No. No. Just no.
I worked in an extras laden club in SF. I made LESS, but I didn't compromise my own values.
Sorry jack, this is rotten advice. HUGE difference between open marriage and prostitution. J and I aren't married, but I quite honestly think I would kill him with my bare hands if I found out he was whoring himself out. Matter of fact, I'd chop his balls off and make him wear them as a necklace.
I know Steve McQueen just died, but seriously? A ball necklace?
I agree, though. A place being "known" for a thing doesn't mean everyone does it. A club can be known as an extras club just for employing one strung out whore.
I don't think she'd be doing extras around mutual friends and allowing her husband to use her work phone.
I also don't think "You're sleeping around, I will too" is what an open relationship really is - those are for emotionally stable, strong, secure people.
Paris
02-11-2010, 11:53 AM
You've got to trust her. If she swears she isn't doing any extras and is abiding by the agreement you two have, you have to either take her at her word, or risk ruining the relationship.
What motivation does she have to lie to you? I mean, you knew the deal going in, so why would she start lying now?
I can also almost guarantee you that she if she is doing extras, it isn't because it is fun: it's because she must to stay competitive in her club.
jack0177057
02-11-2010, 12:36 PM
No. No. Just no.
I worked in an extras laden club in SF. I made LESS, but I didn't compromise my own values.
Sorry jack, this is rotten advice. HUGE difference between open marriage and prostitution. J and I aren't married, but I quite honestly think I would kill him with my bare hands if I found out he was whoring himself out. Matter of fact, I'd chop his balls off and make him wear them as a necklace.
On my first point,... I can't argue with you Med 'cause I like you too much. You win.
On my second point - my advice about an open relationship/marriage... isn't that better than the constant agony of jealousy and insecurity? I've dealt with jealousy and insecurity issues all my life (either mine or my SO's) and its just a heavy burden to bear. You have an open relationship and seem very happy. Shouldn't we all toss possessiveness, jealousy and insecurity out the window? What purpose does it serve?
mediocrity
02-11-2010, 12:47 PM
On my first point,... I can't argue with you Med 'cause I like you too much. You win.
On my second point - my advice about an open relationship/marriage... isn't that better than the constant agony of jealousy and insecurity? I've dealt with jealousy and insecurity issues all my life (either mine or my SO's) and its just a heavy burden to bear. You have an open relationship and seem happy.
When it comes to real life situations, open relationships work for certain people. You're right- I am very happy in my relationship, but it doesn't have its own parameters.
That being said, I can not imagine coming home and telling J, "Baby I made $1k tonight! I did have to give a few hand jobs, and blow jobs, but isn't that great?" He would flip his proverbial shit and kick my ass to the curb. I can't even imagine fucking a dude behind his back and not telling him.
Now if I have a guy friend I find attractive, I mention it to him, and he is usually more than willing to indulge me ( man has higher standards of attractiveness than I do, he's a tough crowd. ). But prostitution? Yeahhhh that wouldn't fly.
KS_Stevia
02-11-2010, 12:49 PM
If you love her and don't want to leave, what about having an open marriage?... Instead of fighting her sexuality and her lifestyle, embrace it. Maybe she can bring dancers home for both of you to enjoy. Look into the swinging lifestyle. If you're having sex with other beautiful women (with her consent), maybe it won't bother you so much that's she's doing extras in the club (with your consent). You can't have a "traditional" relationship given your current circumstances, so look at alternative lifestyles that provide some benefits to you, too.
I see this drivel advice all over the various boards, and its laughable. Why would a person force themselves into an open marriage when they are monogamous in nature and wouldn't feel comfortable with it? People who are into open relationships and swinging know it, they don't need to be advised to become a cuckhold to save a marriage. Either they like it or they don't.
I've worked clean in clubs where extras were the norm. But..not every time. ;)
She sounds like the way I was with my ex-boyfriend when I was heavily doing drugs, partying, cheating, performing extras...silent phone always with me, etc, etc.....
That doesn't mean she's doing extras. What do you consider extras anyway? Maybe the person who told you she did them was used to lower mileage in another club, and her club is high mileage?
It could go either way at this point. What would she have to be doing "extra" for her to leave you? Like, what acts?
jack0177057
02-11-2010, 01:07 PM
I see this drivel advice all over the various boards, and its laughable. Why would a person force themselves into an open marriage when they are monogamous in nature and wouldn't feel comfortable with it? People who are into open relationships and swinging know it, they don't need to be advised to become a cuckhold to save a marriage.
No one is born "monogamous" or a "swinger". This is mostly cultural (or alternative) programming. In some cultures you must be a virgin until you're married, other cultures are extremely promiscuous,... other cultures anti-promiscuous, yet polygamous.
If being "monogomous" is not working out for you, e.g. because you're making yourself crazy and literally sick with jealousy and insecurity, maybe its time to open yourself up to an alternative reality.
My marriage ended in part because of her jeaslousy and insecurity issues (I may have contributed a little to the problem)... Maybe an alternatively lifestyle would have kept us together and strengthened our bond to each other.
mediocrity
02-11-2010, 01:15 PM
No one is born "monogamous" or a "swinger". This is mostly cultural (or alternative) programming. In some cultures you must be a virgin until you're married, other cultures are extremely promiscuous,... other cultures anti-promiscuous, yet polygamous.
If being "monogomous" is not working out for you, e.g. because you're making yourself crazy and literally sick with jealousy and insecurity, maybe its time to open yourself up to an alternative reality.
My marriage ended in part because of her jeaslousy and insecurity issues (I may have contributed a little to the problem)... Maybe an alternatively lifestyle would have kept us together and strengthened our bond to each other.
Someone who is inherently monogamous by nature will NOT be relieved of their jealousy / insecurities by getting into an open relationship. I don't know how you would get this impression.
My relationships are different every time, with every person. But not everyone is like that.
jack0177057
02-11-2010, 01:52 PM
^^^ I've seen reports on TV and read articles about swingers (in the suburbs). Some of them are very "normal" and otherwise "vanilla" people with normal jobs and kids. They started out monogamous, possessive, jealous and insecure like everyone else and fell into a rutt, got bored, etc. If you're only allowed to have sex with one person in the world and that person loses interest after 10 years, is too tired, too stressed, too overworked, etc... life sucks for you. These couples were miserable and curiosity got a hold of them. They started out as curious spectators at parties and progressively got more involved with the lifestyle. Eventually they embraced it and it revitalized their marriage.
I'm not trying the spread the gospel of swinging and I'm not a swinger myself. I'm just saying that if possessiveness, jealousy and insecurity is unhealthy and destroying your relationship, maybe you need to examine whether these emotions serve any useful purpose, and whether an alternative lifestyle would be more harmonious.
Also, the OP sort of alluded to the fact that his wife has a very healthy sexual appetite and that this is threatening to him. His gut instincts are probably correct. He knows her and lives with her. No one else on this thread does. Maybe she is inherently promiscuous and only trying/pretending to be monogamous. (To the OP: please don't take this as an insult. To some people, monogamy goes against their nature and is a very challenging thing to live up to.)
KS_Stevia
02-11-2010, 01:56 PM
NO NO NO!!
That gut instinct is telling him to leave, run far, far away. He doesn't want his wife engaging in sexual activities with other men. Its strong enough for him to consider divorce.
How is actually WATCHING her with another man going to make him feel better.
You might have read some articles, but do you know many actual swingers. I do. And its just not like that. If both parties of the couple are jealous and insecure YET make an agreement to work through it by open relationship, its one thing.
If one person is insecure and has the issue, swinging isn't going to help. We'll just let the OP say so himself.
ETA: I guess I thinking about it from my personal perspective. My partner used to be really jealous and insecure everytime I went out without him, or when I went out of town. He had some flimsy reasons to be suspect. Like, he found a naughty email between me and another guy that was written a month into our dating. And I'm also a heavy drinker and very sexual. So he would always give me a hard time. I can imagine telling him, "we need to have an open relationship and you need to accept that I might fuck other guys since I bring you home other girls. It will relieve your jealousy."
I'd STILL hear him bitching about it to this day. Some people are just jealous, and to suggest swinging would be a huge insult and blow to the relationship. It might even make them confirm in their minds that you are cheating.
jack0177057
02-11-2010, 02:08 PM
NO NO NO!!
That gut instinct is telling him to leave, run far, far away.
Okay, maybe you're right... I'm just giving him a second option.
We don't know anything about the OP, so lets make sure he considers all his options. If I was him, I would at least consider swinging with her dancer friends before running far away.
"we need to have an open relationship and you need to accept that I might fuck other guys since I bring you home other girls. "
Yeah, but that's like 1000% better than you fucking other guys and not bringing anything home for him.
KS_Stevia
02-11-2010, 02:09 PM
Also, the OP sort of alluded to the fact that his wife has a very healthy sexual appetite and that this is threatening to him. His gut instincts are probably correct. He knows her and lives with her. No one else on this thread does. Maybe she is inherently promiscuous and only trying/pretending to be monogamous. (To the OP: please don't take this as an insult. To some people, monogamy goes against their nature and is a very challenging thing to live up to.)
Again, you are missing the point, and the OP is too, somewhat.
IF SHE IS PERFORMING EXTRAS ITS NOT BECAUSE SHE NEEDS ADDITIONAL EXTRA SEXUAL STIMULATION. STRIPPERS PERFORM EXTRAS BECAUSE IT MAKES THEM MORE MONEY, OR BECAUSE MONEY IS CRAP WITHOUT PERFORMING THEM. SOMETIMES THEY DO IT BECAUSE THEY ARE LAZY. SOMETIMES THEY DO IT BECAUSE THEY ARE DRUNK, AND THEIR JUDGEMENT IS IMPAIRED.
BUT THE DO NOT DO IT FOR PLEASURE. Not to say that it can't be done for pleasure on occasion. But I promise, if she's regularly doing them, it has ZERO to do with her sexual appetite.
jack0177057
02-11-2010, 02:25 PM
^^^ I understand that this is true for 99% of dancers with respect to 99% of customers. But, are you telling me that a dancer with super-high libido might not get a little bit of pleasure from a Chippindales-looking customer with a charming personality and a bucket full of Benjamins? What if he's been her regular for more than two years?
mediocrity
02-11-2010, 02:31 PM
Okay, maybe you're right... I'm just giving him a second option.
We don't know anything about the OP, so lets make sure he considers all his options. If I was him, I would at least consider swinging with her dancer friends before running far away.
Yeah, but that's like 1000% better than you fucking other guys and not bringing anything home for him.
Of course you would. Every man would. That's why J counts his lucky stars and tells everyone to get in good with me. This not new information.
I also feel like your view of open relationships is a little skewed. It isn't a free for all fuckfest you know.
mediocrity
02-11-2010, 02:32 PM
^^^ I understand that this is true for 99% of dancers with respect to 99% of customers. But, are you telling me that a dancer with super-high libido might not get a little bit of pleasure from a Chippindales-looking customer with a charming personality and a bucket full of Benjamins? What if he's been her regular for more than two years?
You're grasping at straws dude. I'm waiting for the other people to chime in with the psuedo-biology and evolution theories.
Heres the bottom line: handsome, whatever, I DON'T FUCK FOR MONEY. Some girls do, a lot don't. Fin.
yoda57us
02-11-2010, 03:09 PM
You clearly don't trust her.
You want her to quite dancing and she refuses.
She has already made her decision, it's time for you to make yours
KS_Stevia
02-11-2010, 03:59 PM
Yeah, but that's like 1000% better than you fucking other guys and not bringing anything home for him.
I actually despise the term "bringing home" in regards to open relationships. It dehumanizes the other person involved. I've never just recruited a girl to come home with me where my lecherous man was waiting to attack. Its always been a totally mutual thing between all parties involved at all times.
KS_Stevia
02-11-2010, 04:02 PM
^^^ I understand that this is true for 99% of dancers with respect to 99% of customers. But, are you telling me that a dancer with super-high libido might not get a little bit of pleasure from a Chippindales-looking customer with a charming personality and a bucket full of Benjamins? What if he's been her regular for more than two years?
Now you're just living in a fantasy world. None of what you just wrote matters at all to the OP. Who cares how long he has been a regular or what he looks like. If she's performing sexual acts at the club without his consent, he is OUT.
Also, a lot more than 1% of dancers perform extras anyway. Especially these days.
Camillian
02-11-2010, 04:04 PM
Well...it's been said already several times, in several different ways. You imagine things, and suffer all the fear, anger, and anxiety that these imaginings create. Your body doesn't distinguish between real happenings, and thoughts. Without the thoughts you are fine. It's not necessary to change the world, or your wife to be happy. The change has to come inside you.
Other people can't fix your unhappiness. A little self-examination may help though.
Smarty pants :)
safado
02-11-2010, 04:18 PM
Ok here goes. My wife dances. Has since she was 19 or so. She is 28 now and we have been together for about 4 years now. I'm worried about the whole "extras" thing that goes on. She swears she does not do any but I just don't know. First off she is a very sexual person. Second, she only dated girls before me. Third, she drinks a lot at work. Now it isnt too hard to see why I'm paranoid. Alcohol in a sexual charged enviroment and all. And she also tends to work in clubs that are kinda, um, known for extras. What are the odds she is doing horrible things with girls and or guys? I'm know what goes on. I'm a musician (of course) and have done crazy stuff in the SC. And please dont say " you shouldnt have married a stripper". You cant help who you fall in love with. She is a WONDERFUL person outside the club but she does have a very wild side. Any current or former dancers help me out here? Would REALLY appreciate it.
If you post a photo of her on the blue side some of the guys may know her and be able to confirm if she is a clean or dirty dancer or they may be able to go and investigate for you.
mediocrity
02-11-2010, 04:30 PM
I actually despise the term "bringing home" in regards to open relationships. It dehumanizes the other person involved. I've never just recruited a girl to come home with me where my lecherous man was waiting to attack. Its always been a totally mutual thing between all parties involved at all times.
Sort of like I hate the term "pick up". We go out and scope, if it isn't someone we know already, we work together to entice the person to come home with us. It isn't like I carry around an elephant net, and throw it over girls' heads yelling MUAHAHAHA I GOTZ UUUUUU and drag them home for J to untangle.
Luna Minsky
02-11-2010, 04:35 PM
I'm seeing some interesting things here. You seem to hold that her stripping could ruin your marriage, because she doesn't need that much money, and you've asked her to stop?
You are thinking of hiring a PI?
So, imagine you've hired a PI, and he went to the club she works at, and she danced for him, and did NO extras. Would that be all? Would you be satisfied knowing that she is a 'clean' dancer? Would you go on pretending you have a happy marriage?
I doubt it. If you let your paranoia bring you this far (posting on this forum about this), you'd probably let your insecurity progress, thinking 'it was this once she was clean. she must surely be doing more for others. let's hire someone else'.
You've accused and convicted her: of doing extras, of being a stripper, of making too much money, of not stopping dancing after you'd repeatedly asked her not to.
Looks to me like you are just wasting her time. Why hasn't she left you yet?
jack0177057
02-11-2010, 05:01 PM
Heres the bottom line: handsome, whatever, I DON'T FUCK FOR MONEY. Some girls do, a lot don't. Fin.
Of course YOU don't, Med. I know that.
Anyway, the OP said "extras". There are a lot of extras that do not include fucking, but that he would not be relieved to learn about.
Look, I was in the SC last week looking for C, but I ended up chatting and getting a dance from another girl because C wasn't there. This young innocent looking girl (she said she was in college and planned to go to law school) offered me a HJ or a BJ within the first 2 minutes of the lap dance. (She knew I came to the club looking for C and she said she would show me a better time than I had with C.) She was not a destitute mom trying to feed her kids, she was just a young college kid trying to hustle to make a quick buck. (Just saying,... I'm not judging.) Its an "upscale" franchise club with very attractive "clean" and classy looking girls. (I won't say the name of the SC, but they have their flagship club in Las Vegas.) Every time I go with friends, at least one of us gets that kind of offer. I know that so many women on this forum frown upon that, but let's face it,... yes it happens,... a lot in some places.
KS_Stevia
02-11-2010, 05:09 PM
That's why I fucking HATE Treasures with a passion. Oh, and the flagship is actually the Houston club. They opened the Vegas club later.
Grrrr, fucking Houston, what a shitty town to strip in unless you enjoy chafed nipples and carrying a large purse that fits wet wipes and condoms. :(
And yes, many attractive girls offer the extras. But I promise you, she wasn't offering them because she was horny, and her g-spot is located in the palm of her hand. ;) But you know this.
Jack, your town is very specific, in that extras are super easy to come by from attractive, seemingly normal girls. Its not like that everywhere...even a few hours away, here in ATX.
mediocrity
02-11-2010, 05:14 PM
^^ I know what club you're talking about. I understand that is the norm in Houston, and some places. It makes me really sad.
I still maintain my personal definitions of extras, which I am thinking the OP would agree with: kissing, nipple sucking, HJ, BJ and all those whack ass acronyms. I also think if you want to do those things you should take them OTC. Kills me when I am in VIP next to a girl who's rubbing a guy's crotch and the guy I am with gets all butt hurt that I refuse to do that.
I am not getting the impression the OP would be ok with anyone participating in the activities I listed with his wife.
KS_Stevia is right though... ATX is one of the cleanest places I have ever worked, especially the club I am at now- the way it's laid out, I can't see how anyone could get away with it, and my boss just fired about 6 girls for suspicious activity.
I leave you now with a piece of hilarity:
"
Mediocrity says:
awesome <3
can i ask you a question? you've had lap dances, right?
would you consider letting a guy touch your boobs "extra"?
J says:
yeah but he cant suck my boobs
i hate guys sucking my boobs
Mediocrity says:
HAHAHAHA
i just realised how weird i worded that
oh god i just laughed til i cried."
jack0177057
02-11-2010, 05:15 PM
You've accused and convicted her: of doing extras
He's her husband. I think spouses have a strange sixth sense for infidelity. Usually, when a woman suspects her husband is cheating, he is. Same for men suspecting their wives of infidelity. Yeah, some people are paranoid and super-insecure, but I don't think the OP is that kind of person. If he was, he wouldn't have lasted in the relationship so long (she's been dancing for 9 years and they've been together for 4 years).
Maybe the question is - What has she started to do now that causes him to suspect something now? There's probably more to the story.
Camillian
02-11-2010, 05:24 PM
He's her husband. I think spouses have a strange sixth sense for infidelity. Usually, when a woman suspects her husband is cheating, he is. Same for men suspecting their wives of infidelity. Yeah, some people are paranoid and super-insecure, but I don't think the OP is that kind of person. If he was, he wouldn't have lasted in the relationship so long (she's been dancing for 9 years and they've been together for 4 years).
Maybe the question is - What has she started to do now that causes him to suspect something now? There's probably more to the story.
I have had a lot of jealous BFs accuse me of cheating. I was not cheating on ANY of them. Funny thing though, in *every singe* instance where I was accused, I found out later the accuser was actually the one being unfaithful.
I would not say that *usually* if someone suspects it, that is in fact the case. I have no statistics to back that up though, just my own personal experience.
jack0177057
02-11-2010, 07:34 PM
^^^ Yeah there are a lot of paranoid jealous guys out there. The OP doesn't strike me as one of them, but I could be wrong.
Djoser
02-12-2010, 12:53 AM
It is possible to make money in an extras club while avoiding doing them, I've seen it done. But it is a lot harder, especially if the guy 4 feet away is getting a BJ while the woman in question is trying to say no--and no doubt fighting off the roving hands.
I have worked in three clubs with a lot of military guys coming in, who are not fat slobs by any stretch of the imagination. Some of the dancers are enjoying themselves with these guys, and would take it further if they were allowed, they have told me. Some do take it further if they can get away with it, I have seen it on camera, including the one I know is lying to her SO about letting guys finger her. Three of the hottest dancers I know in one club I visit have all told me they sometimes cannot sleep from all the built-up sexual tension. This doesn't mean they would give BJs, though.
We don't really know what this guy's situation is. Telling him he is imagining all this would be fucking stupid, and detrimental to his situation to say the least, if his wife really is handing out favors--which she well might be for all we know. Of course, maybe he is being paranoid. In which case he should ignore this gut feeling, all the rumors he's heard, her history as a party girl, and learn to trust her--if possible.
In any case, the relationship is doomed if it keeps on this way, that's about the only thing we can determine for sure.
Hockeyfan_4
02-12-2010, 08:02 AM
From what I am picking up from your posts this issue may be less to do with the fact that she is a stripper and more to do with the fact that she asked you to give up your carrer that was your lifes work. I COULD BE DEAD WRONG.... but this quote is what sticks out to me in that she asked you to quit on a life long dream of yours because she was insecure in that you would be surronded by women throwing themselves at you. There are trust issues here on both sides.
Actually i did quit being a musician for her. She didnt like the idea of groupies and me being on the road.
Are you resentful of the fact that she asked you to quit your band? Being that your band was starting to get to the "big time" and that your passion was starting to take off. In addition the reasons you don't like her stripping are similar to those resons she asked you to quit your band.
But im not the one who dances. She is. Ive asked her to quit. She wont do it. She doesnt want to punch a clock like me. And thats cool. In the meantime it could destroy our marriage. Ive changed MANY aspects of my life that made her uncomfy. Her turn.
It's the "Her turn" that caught my attention. IF... You are harboring resentments and NOT telling your wife about them your going to have many more problems in the relationship.
Im still in music. I love it. Just dont travel. Actually, we are starting a band together. She can sing like crazy! And she can play piano. Yes, its awesome!! just wish she didnt dance anymore. I gave up what she wished i wasnt doing.
You have a Huge opportunity to solidify your marriage and still pursue your passion. Pursue this!
In my opinon you should talk to your wife about all of this. After all this is your WIFE there is a reson you married her. Remember if you give up your passion your soul whithers and dies.
I hope everything works out. Good luck!
Everyman
02-12-2010, 08:25 AM
And please dont say " you shouldnt have married a stripper". You cant help who you fall in love with.
You shouldn't have married a stripper...if you don't want the worries that go along with it. MAYBE you can't help who you fall in love with, but you sure as hell can help who you marry. You don't have to marry someone just for love...the practical aspects matterjust as much.
And practically speaking, you signed on the dotted line, so you signed up for this with eyes wide open.
Djoser
02-12-2010, 09:34 AM
You shouldn't have married a stripper...
:rotfl:
Sorry to the OP, don't ,mean to sound unsympathetic, but the way that came about was funny as hell.
Im_not_here
02-12-2010, 04:57 PM
NO NO NO!!
That gut instinct is telling him to leave, run far, far away. He doesn't want his wife engaging in sexual activities with other men. Its strong enough for him to consider divorce.
How is actually WATCHING her with another man going to make him feel better.
You might have read some articles, but do you know many actual swingers. I do. And its just not like that. If both parties of the couple are jealous and insecure YET make an agreement to work through it by open relationship, its one thing.
If one person is insecure and has the issue, swinging isn't going to help. We'll just let the OP say so himself.
ETA: I guess I thinking about it from my personal perspective. My partner used to be really jealous and insecure everytime I went out without him, or when I went out of town. He had some flimsy reasons to be suspect. Like, he found a naughty email between me and another guy that was written a month into our dating. And I'm also a heavy drinker and very sexual. So he would always give me a hard time. I can imagine telling him, "we need to have an open relationship and you need to accept that I might fuck other guys since I bring you home other girls. It will relieve your jealousy."
I'd STILL hear him bitching about it to this day. Some people are just jealous, and to suggest swinging would be a huge insult and blow to the relationship. It might even make them confirm in their minds that you are cheating.
Omg that would be horrible! I DO NOT want to think about or see her with someone else. Man or woman. Makes me want to puke thinking about it. I was with another dancer for four years and we hooked with a lot of girls together. Didnt bother me at all. But my wife..shes my soulmate and I would DIE if i knew she slept with someone else or did ANY extras.
Im_not_here
02-12-2010, 04:59 PM
I see this drivel advice all over the various boards, and its laughable. Why would a person force themselves into an open marriage when they are monogamous in nature and wouldn't feel comfortable with it? People who are into open relationships and swinging know it, they don't need to be advised to become a cuckhold to save a marriage. Either they like it or they don't.
I've worked clean in clubs where extras were the norm. But..not every time. ;)
She sounds like the way I was with my ex-boyfriend when I was heavily doing drugs, partying, cheating, performing extras...silent phone always with me, etc, etc.....
That doesn't mean she's doing extras. What do you consider extras anyway? Maybe the person who told you she did them was used to lower mileage in another club, and her club is high mileage?
It could go either way at this point. What would she have to be doing "extra" for her to leave you? Like, what acts?
Extras is ANY sexual contact with co workers or customers. This most def includes making out with either. This is OUR thing! Reserved only for my wife and I.
Im_not_here
02-12-2010, 05:04 PM
Again, you are missing the point, and the OP is too, somewhat.
IF SHE IS PERFORMING EXTRAS ITS NOT BECAUSE SHE NEEDS ADDITIONAL EXTRA SEXUAL STIMULATION. STRIPPERS PERFORM EXTRAS BECAUSE IT MAKES THEM MORE MONEY, OR BECAUSE MONEY IS CRAP WITHOUT PERFORMING THEM. SOMETIMES THEY DO IT BECAUSE THEY ARE LAZY. SOMETIMES THEY DO IT BECAUSE THEY ARE DRUNK, AND THEIR JUDGEMENT IS IMPAIRED.
BUT THE DO NOT DO IT FOR PLEASURE. Not to say that it can't be done for pleasure on occasion. But I promise, if she's regularly doing them, it has ZERO to do with her sexual appetite.
I dont care WHY she would perform extras! I would sell my left kidney before I would want that to happen! Cheating is cheating. Doing it for money...EVEN WORSE!!
Im_not_here
02-12-2010, 05:19 PM
Ok someone asked me to post a pic of my wife to see if anyone would tell me if she was doing stuff. Um, I dont think thats a good idea. But! The club is in Charleston SC. It was called the Joker Social Club. Now its just called 1337 King St. I think. The other would be Tiffany's in Atlanta. The Joker being the current. Any info on these places? I've heard horrible (for my situation) things about both.
mediocrity
02-12-2010, 06:03 PM
^^ Tiffany's I am familiar with. That's no place for a girl, I'll tell you that much.
MissMynxx
02-12-2010, 06:25 PM
Familiar with Joker Social by way of another dancer I'm good friends with. My friend turned tail and RAN after her first night in the dressing room.
I've worked at some pretty extras laden SC's, and I've never done an extra once. The furthest I've ever gone was a kiss on a customer's cheek. So, just because she works in a scary club doesn't mean she's a dirty girl. ;D
However, I trust Mediocrity, and I trust my friend - those two clubs are no place for an upstanding lady.
Im_not_here
02-12-2010, 06:26 PM
^^ Tiffany's I am familiar with. That's no place for a girl, I'll tell you that much.
Yea she worked there for a few years up until october 09. I do know most girls if not all do extras there. LOTS of drugs as well.
Im_not_here
02-12-2010, 06:29 PM
Familiar with Joker Social by way of another dancer I'm good friends with. My friend turned tail and RAN after her first night in the dressing room.
I've worked at some pretty extras laden SC's, and I've never done an extra once. The furthest I've ever gone was a kiss on a customer's cheek. So, just because she works in a scary club doesn't mean she's a dirty girl. ;D
However, I trust Mediocrity, and I trust my friend - those two clubs are no place for an upstanding lady.
I really really hope she isnt. Like tonight, its snowing here and she says its slow and almost all the girls are there. THAT makes me worry. :(
jack0177057
02-12-2010, 06:48 PM
I dont care WHY she would perform extras! I would sell my left kidney before I would want that to happen! Cheating is cheating. Doing it for money...EVEN WORSE!!
Its not for money... Its for the things she can buy with money... Is she the type of woman that absolutely has to have the most expensive pair of shoes in the department store? Does she have an out-of-control obsession with clothes, jewelry, shoes, etc.?
It's very easy to find out if she does extras. Just send a guy into the club to test her.
Im_not_here
02-12-2010, 07:16 PM
Its not for money... Its for the things she can buy with money... Is she the type of woman that absolutely has to have the most expensive pair of shoes in the department store? Does she have an out-of-control obsession with clothes, jewelry, shoes, etc.?
It's very easy to find out if she does extras. Just send a guy into the club to test her.
Na. No spending habits. She worries about money all the time though. Even though there is no reason to worry. She likes to travel and that takes money but thats about it.
Yes ive considered sending someone in but a lot of times a dancer will only do extras for regulars.
I dont care WHY she would perform extras! I would sell my left kidney before I would want that to happen! Cheating is cheating. Doing it for money...EVEN WORSE!!
Doing it for money stimulates the economy and we certainly need economic stimulation. That could mean a big screen HDTV for you, for example and perhaps other goodies. Just turn a blind eye.
FBR
MissMynxx
02-12-2010, 07:33 PM
I really really hope she isnt. Like tonight, its snowing here and she says its slow and almost all the girls are there. THAT makes me worry. :(
I'll be honest - if it were me, and I were an extras girl, you would have to worry about me on BUSY nights more than empty nights.
On a slow night, the energy in the club is just awful. I get happy when customers come in, but my sets on stage are half-asses, and so are my dances. An extras girl I was friends with used to tell me that if the night was bad, she didn't even feel like sucking dick. LOL
Try not to freak out.