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You Know Me
03-09-2010, 07:24 AM
^^
You have very similar feelings on this than I do. I was actually thinking about this and thought what would it take for me to date a man with kids? If he was perfect in every other way. Then I thought nope I would rather someone who wasn't as perfect but just didn't have kids.

Out of interest do u want kids? I am really ambivalent about this. Part of me thinks I do but part of me sees so many negative things about having children. I meet a lot of married men at the SC who talk about their love for their children and shithouse marriage with their wife. I am not sure if the two things are related but it seems relationships suffer when kids are involved. Men don't get the attention that they want etc.

Then there is the whole issue of women who have children and their lives become consumed by it. It's like they have no identity or no interests outside of babies and children. My best friend is pregnant with her first right now and I am really worried that she will become like this. She has said herself that she doesn't want to become like this.


I really hate to say this but i see this alot not only with my ex but with our friends too.

It of course is not the kids fault, but the whole world is turned upside down once you have children. They become the center of your universe. You are needed daily by a child and sometimes you just dont have anything left at the end of the day for your spouse. (at least that is what she said and lots of her friends). Instead of getting some attention we guys were seen as relief for her when we got home. That is fine really to watch them, play with them, talk with them for the evening while mom takes a hot bath and gets some alone time. The prob runs into when the children finally go to sleep you are both to exhausted to spend time together.

Please no one take this at me being against kids, because i am not. I love my boys and wouldnt change it for the world. It will change your relationship i am sure with your mate though. Anyone can say it wont but myself and all the other married men i know will say it does. I dont blame the mother because i cant. I have never been in a situation with a little one where he/she has bonded so much with me like they do with the mother. I can only imagine how much energy is drained from them in a day from taking care of a child.

I end with this. Anyone thinking of having a child should make a list of why. Then you should make a list of things you love to do and if you are willing to give them up. You no longer have a life of your own.

One more thing.....When you get home from a hard ass day and your child comes running up to you screaming daddy daddy and throws his arms around you hugs you and says I Love You.....you hold him a little tighter pull his head back look into his innocent little eyes....well you get the picture.

Kellydancer
03-09-2010, 01:43 PM
^^
You have very similar feelings on this than I do. I was actually thinking about this and thought what would it take for me to date a man with kids? If he was perfect in every other way. Then I thought nope I would rather someone who wasn't as perfect but just didn't have kids.

Out of interest do u want kids? I am really ambivalent about this. Part of me thinks I do but part of me sees so many negative things about having children. I meet a lot of married men at the SC who talk about their love for their children and shithouse marriage with their wife. I am not sure if the two things are related but it seems relationships suffer when kids are involved. Men don't get the attention that they want etc.

Then there is the whole issue of women who have children and their lives become consumed by it. It's like they have no identity or no interests outside of babies and children. My best friend is pregnant with her first right now and I am really worried that she will become like this. She has said herself that she doesn't want to become like this.


It's funny because until a few years ago I was strong on never having kids. I even checked into getting my tubes tied (my doctor thought for me it was a bad idea for my reasons could change). However, a few things happened that kind of changed my mind. I was telling a coworker I was considering having my tubes tied and he thought it was a bad idea. He never had kids (not sure if he had a vasectomy or not) and he regrets it. Then last year my niece was born and I am really obsessed with her. Then I reconnected with my guyfriend. Years ago he was really wanting kids but I wasn't (we were just friends then but he wanted more). Now I fantasize about having kids with him though he says he just wants to be friends (though he's attracted to me and I think he could eventually come around). I've never in my entire life ever thought about having kids with a specific guy and it's weird. I think part of this is because he's the type that would be involved with kids and not like some guys that leave the chores to the mother. I am a career person and could never quit my job to have a baby though. I could be happy never having kids I'm sure (or adopting kids) but lately the feeling is getting strong after being non existant for years.

Kellydancer
03-09-2010, 02:00 PM
I really hate to say this but i see this alot not only with my ex but with our friends too.

It of course is not the kids fault, but the whole world is turned upside down once you have children. They become the center of your universe. You are needed daily by a child and sometimes you just dont have anything left at the end of the day for your spouse. (at least that is what she said and lots of her friends). Instead of getting some attention we guys were seen as relief for her when we got home. That is fine really to watch them, play with them, talk with them for the evening while mom takes a hot bath and gets some alone time. The prob runs into when the children finally go to sleep you are both to exhausted to spend time together.

Please no one take this at me being against kids, because i am not. I love my boys and wouldnt change it for the world. It will change your relationship i am sure with your mate though. Anyone can say it wont but myself and all the other married men i know will say it does. I dont blame the mother because i cant. I have never been in a situation with a little one where he/she has bonded so much with me like they do with the mother. I can only imagine how much energy is drained from them in a day from taking care of a child.

I end with this. Anyone thinking of having a child should make a list of why. Then you should make a list of things you love to do and if you are willing to give them up. You no longer have a life of your own.

One more thing.....When you get home from a hard ass day and your child comes running up to you screaming daddy daddy and throws his arms around you hugs you and says I Love You.....you hold him a little tighter pull his head back look into his innocent little eyes....well you get the picture.

I think it depends on the woman. One of the reasons I was reluctant to have kids is because many men won't do their fair share. I want a guy who'll get up in the middle of the night and feed the baby and change diapers. I want a guy who won't assume that because I'm the one to give birth that I'll be the one giving up my career, etc. If I have kids, I won't be giving up something I worked hard to accomplish. I've read studies that state that men who share in the responsibility have just as much (or close to it) bonding as women. I think part of the problem is society says women should be the one giving up their careers and that's not fair. The guy I like has less career potential for me, it wouldn't make sense for me to be the stay at home parent (in likelihood both of us would work and have a grandparent watch the kids during the day).

Btw, I can't stand those women who have no life but the baby. They bore me and I don't associate with them.

carmen_b
03-23-2010, 05:15 PM
ARghhh.... I am struggling on the lonliness front. Struggling.

The person I'm dating lives 2 hours from me. The other person I was dating only lives 20 min. away but he treated me poorly. Unfortunely .... he was very affectionate and a great kisser, so his behavior such as: not taking me out much, not being very nice, not taking me to DINNER ONE TIME ( he did cook for me once though ), and not asking questions about me, was *almost* excusible.
I kept holding out for the little bits of good treatment when the majority wasn't good and now I'm done. I'd like to tell all our mutual friends what a dirt bag his is. I want my $45 bottle of wine back ( it's in his fridge ) too . Grrrr.

I want cuddles but the roads are shit and I'm not sure it's safe to drive 2 hours.

Zinaida
03-24-2010, 12:48 AM
I feel so lonely and like no one cares about me and I have no one to share my life with.
Same boat here. I just try to keep as busy as I can! Sucks tho. :'(

Luke34
10-09-2010, 05:19 AM
Hey Jai

I wish I could help. My views on the world are very simplistic. Life is about a balance between mind, body and soul. With your studies and this job the first two ( mind and body) are usually fed or at least your ego is fed so you know that it is there for you. Loneliness is a craving of the soul and in the perfect world, your partner should be your best friend.

Unfortunately, night clubs are places which nuture the body. My suggestions would be along the lines of going out with friends for dinner, pursue a hobby or passion where you meet people who share your dreams.

dlabtot
10-09-2010, 05:29 AM
It is soul-crushing.

jack0177057
10-11-2010, 05:13 PM
The proverbial green grass applies here. When I'm in a serious relationship, I wished I was unattached and "free," like my single friends (only one left). But, when I'm single and "alone", I'm afraid of being alone forever and never finding my "better half".

Relationships are overrated, but so is being single. Just enjoy what you have. Do the things married people can't do - like travel, spend selfishly, study something you enjoy (purely for the fun of it and not for monetary gain), socialize, flirt, etc. Soon enough, you'll meet someone and your life will change, and along with all the wonderful blessings, there will also be many sacrifices and lost freedoms.

ArmySGT.
10-11-2010, 05:58 PM
Isn't it funny how all of us lonely people snagged this thread like it is a life line?

Writing anonymously to other that remain anonymous.

Trem
10-11-2010, 07:57 PM
Bah i saw jaizaines name and thought she was back, just an old post :(

4everresolutions
10-11-2010, 08:28 PM
It is soul-crushing.

It is. The loneliness is debilitating at times. I'm not looking for a life partner, just someone to spend a few hours with while I'm out on the town.

I wish there was a place I could go and have a drink and just have someone to sit and talk to me. They don't even have to like me much - I just want the illusion of companionship for a while. I'm sick of being alone with my thoughts...

....Oh wait, a place like that does exist. I work there. :(

Kellydancer
10-11-2010, 09:01 PM
It is. The loneliness is debilitating at times. I'm not looking for a life partner, just someone to spend a few hours with while I'm out on the town.

I wish there was a place I could go and have a drink and just have someone to sit and talk to me. They don't even have to like me much - I just want the illusion of companionship for a while. I'm sick of being alone with my thoughts...

....Oh wait, a place like that does exist. I work there. :(

It really is depressing being alone. For some reason I feel worse now than I did before I reconnected with the guy I want because there's so much uncertainty now and if it doesn't work it's a bigger crash than it would have been otherwise. At least before I could accept the loneliness. Now it's more of an anger that I maybe alone the rest of my life. I am completely tired of dating guys I have zero interest in.

Vamp
10-11-2010, 09:38 PM
I have lived alone for three years now.

When I get lonely .... I get a big mug of tea, sit in front of my window, looking out at the beautiful fall colors, my cat jumps on my lap, i listen to the peace and quiet .... thinking of all the insane bullshit I went thru in relationships, the fighting, the crying, the pushing and pulling .... i inhale the peace and smile ... being alone has its advantages ...

Then I feel all better lol

AznExtasy
10-12-2010, 12:05 AM
I'm depressed from being alone so I'll join this thread too, yay.

jack0177057
10-12-2010, 08:07 AM
Its just so ironic,... for each one of you beautiful women who is lonely, there are probably about 100 guys that would kill to be dating you. Are your standards way too high, or is it that all available men are so pathetic.

Kellydancer
10-12-2010, 11:32 AM
Its just so ironic,... for each one of you beautiful women who is lonely, there are probably about 100 guys that would kill to be dating you. Are your standards way too high, or is it that all available men are so pathetic.

Apparently my standards are too high. My only requirements are no children and never married. Oh sure I might bend if I met a widower or a guy who got an anullment but these are rare. I know that there are many single guys within a 40 miles radius of me (the benefit of living near a major city) but my problem is that none of the guys ever fit the look I like. I like nerds and the guys I see on dating profiles are big fat guys, which would not fit my lifestyle either (though by fat I mean severely obese, not chubby which I could handle). Even when I've gone to singles groups all I see are these types. I've had people tell me I should lower my standards in this respect and give one of these guys a chance but I've tried it before and never worked. The thing is this is why I am giving the guy I want more slack than I really should because of this because he fits my requirements to a t. The funny thing is 10 years ago I had my choice of men and at the time I didn't want to marry, which scared these guys away.

When I get scared thinking I'll be alone or have to settle for someone I don't want I think of a family friend who married the perfect guy. He was almost 50, never married, no kids, great job (college professor), home owner, nice looking and all around great guy. Maybe I'll be lucky and find someone like him.

Zinaida
10-12-2010, 11:43 AM
Are your standards way too high, or is it that all available men are so pathetic.

The latter.

jack0177057
10-12-2010, 01:03 PM
Apparently my standards are too high. My only requirements are no children and never married. Oh sure I might bend if I met a widower or a guy who got an anullment but these are rare. I know that there are many single guys within a 40 miles radius of me (the benefit of living near a major city) but my problem is that none of the guys ever fit the look I like. I like nerds and the guys I see on dating profiles are big fat guys, which would not fit my lifestyle either (though by fat I mean severely obese, not chubby which I could handle). Even when I've gone to singles groups all I see are these types.

Are you involved in any activities that could help you meet "nerds", like museum or opera clubs,... or taking a computer or math college (continuing enrichment) course? Also, there are math, science and history lectures at colleges, museums, etc., that bring out the nerds from their hiding. You have to go to a few lectures and learn some basic lingo so you can communicate with them.

If you want to meet fit and active people - join a hiking, running, kayaking, rowing or rock climbing club.

If you want to meet a "nice" guy - volunteer with charitable organizations.

Sometimes, people are more distant in a major city. I lived in NYC growing up, and, despite the millions of people that live in a concentrated area, it was hard to meet new people, unless you had something in common with them. I was shocked by how friendly people are here in Texas (in the small Texas towns), when I first moved here.

Do some traveling, meet different people from different places.

jack0177057
10-12-2010, 01:04 PM
The latter.

Oh. /:O

Kellydancer
10-12-2010, 04:24 PM
Are you involved in any activities that could help you meet "nerds", like museum or opera clubs,... or taking a computer or math college (continuing enrichment) course? Also, there are math, science and history lectures at colleges, museums, etc., that bring out the nerds from their hiding. You have to go to a few lectures and learn some basic lingo so you can communicate with them.

If you want to meet fit and active people - join a hiking, running, kayaking, rowing or rock climbing club.

If you want to meet a "nice" guy - volunteer with charitable organizations.

Sometimes, people are more distant in a major city. I lived in NYC growing up, and, despite the millions of people that live in a concentrated area, it was hard to meet new people, unless you had something in common with them. I was shocked by how friendly people are here in Texas (in the small Texas towns), when I first moved here.

Do some traveling, meet different people from different places.

I've done a few of those but you gave me a few more idea. Thanks. I'm actually switching ym career field to something involving helping people so it's a possibility I'll meet someone there.If not I'll do some of the things you mentioned. There are a lot of older singles here (I've known even people in their 50's marry the first time) so they're out there, just harder to find.

hockeybobby
10-12-2010, 05:22 PM
When I get scared thinking I'll be alone or have to settle for someone I don't want I think of a family friend who married the perfect guy. He was almost 50, never married, no kids, great job (college professor), home owner, nice looking and all around great guy. Maybe I'll be lucky and find someone like him.

You are describing me...especially the "nice looking and all around great guy" part. :) Guys like this are all over the place, and sometimes right under your nose, but you won't see them till you scrub the flakes out of your eyes.

And btw, there's nothing wrong with not being attracted to obese guys either. Just consider it part of the screening process that they have to be reasonably fit.

Kellydancer
10-12-2010, 05:38 PM
You are describing me...especially the "nice looking and all around great guy" part. :) Guys like this are all over the place, and sometimes right under your nose, but you won't see them till you scrub the flakes out of your eyes.

And btw, there's nothing wrong with not being attracted to obese guys either. Just consider it part of the screening process that they have to be reasonably fit.

Too bad you don't live around me ;D because yeah you are cool. I know there are many single guys here, even older guys in the 50's who've never been married but harder to find.

princessjas
10-12-2010, 05:46 PM
I've done a few of those but you gave me a few more idea. Thanks. I'm actually switching ym career field to something involving helping people so it's a possibility I'll meet someone there.If not I'll do some of the things you mentioned. There are a lot of older singles here (I've known even people in their 50's marry the first time) so they're out there, just harder to find.

Seriously, diss flakey and look around. I've ALWAYS managed to meet tons of attractive, single, older men! I prefer older men because they are secure with themselves and generally much more independent and don't expect a girl to wait on them hand and foot, also being settled and not hitting wild parties every weekend is a bonus.

Oh, also I've met a few who had been married briefly in their 20's.... but really does it even matter if they've been divorced for 30 yrs? Just don't tell your parents if you are afraid of issues there. This is your LIFE here. Why be alone and unhappy over a small detail, yanno? What if your perfect guy fucked up and married someone he was uncompatible with back when he was 19 or 20? Everyone does stupid crap at that age.

Kisca
10-12-2010, 06:32 PM
^I like older guys too, to date I mean. I dont mind being friends with guys my age.. where they are in college, and at their party scene but Im just not looking for that. I hate being single, but at the same time, I love it. Im not going to a bar, or a club to meet men - Ive tried and they're not my liking at all! I want a normal guy who will spend time with me, love me while making our time fly by. Why do guys I met go into a whole lets party and get drunk, even guys in their 30s I known do that, erh fuck that. I rather be single and become rich - fuck men. I want a dog, a car, and big house.

Zinaida
10-12-2010, 06:37 PM
Oh. /:O
I think the unavailable ones are too if that helps. ;)

Kellydancer
10-12-2010, 08:27 PM
Seriously, diss flakey and look around. I've ALWAYS managed to meet tons of attractive, single, older men! I prefer older men because they are secure with themselves and generally much more independent and don't expect a girl to wait on them hand and foot, also being settled and not hitting wild parties every weekend is a bonus.

Oh, also I've met a few who had been married briefly in their 20's.... but really does it even matter if they've been divorced for 30 yrs? Just don't tell your parents if you are afraid of issues there. This is your LIFE here. Why be alone and unhappy over a small detail, yanno? What if your perfect guy fucked up and married someone he was uncompatible with back when he was 19 or 20? Everyone does stupid crap at that age.

I might consider a divorced man depending on the situation. For instance if his first marriage was at a courthouse or in Vegas and a short marriage (and he had it annulled) then possibly. If it was a long marriage that was a big event probably not. I have friends (devout Catholics) were the guy was married but he got his marriage annulled and they got married in the church. His first marriage (annulled) was a very short one (less than a year) so something like that I could handle.

princessjas
10-13-2010, 02:50 AM
I might consider a divorced man depending on the situation. For instance if his first marriage was at a courthouse or in Vegas and a short marriage (and he had it annulled) then possibly. If it was a long marriage that was a big event probably not. I have friends (devout Catholics) were the guy was married but he got his marriage annulled and they got married in the church. His first marriage (annulled) was a very short one (less than a year) so something like that I could handle.

Both of the cases I was directly refrencing were guys who got married at 19-20 and it only lasted a few months. No ex drama to deal with at all. Most guys would be willing to go whatever route to make it an acceptable arrangement for you. I really do think that you are setting almost unreasonable standards (and that is ok, you want what you want) then when you aren't getting it you are upset.)

princessjas
10-13-2010, 03:06 AM
^I like older guys too, to date I mean. I dont mind being friends with guys my age.. where they are in college, and at their party scene but Im just not looking for that. I hate being single, but at the same time, I love it. Im not going to a bar, or a club to meet men - Ive tried and they're not my liking at all! I want a normal guy who will spend time with me, love me while making our time fly by. Why do guys I met go into a whole lets party and get drunk, even guys in their 30s I known do that, erh fuck that. I rather be single and become rich - fuck men. I want a dog, a car, and big house.

I see a GF of mine settled into a guy, and their damn young but already considering marriage. You have 75% of your life.. why settle with someone just to settle with... I dont want to go through that at all. I want my match, I want my perfect match. If that doesnt happen.. oh well. Ill get another dog, maybe a cat, and a new hobby.

I find this too! My ex-hubby was a true unicorn, ready to settle down in his 20's....to bad mental illness hit in his 30's.

Most older guys are done with this shit though! You get time together and a normal bf!

jack0177057
10-13-2010, 07:59 AM
What if your perfect guy fucked up and married someone he was uncompatible with back when he was 19 or 20? Everyone does stupid crap at that age.

I agree.

Kellydancer, I know your issue with divorced guys is based on your faith and I totally respect that, but, you should look into it more, because I don't think the rules are as rigid as you assume they are.

Some marriages (like civil marriages or marriages in other churches) in combination with certain circumstances (like youth and immaturity) - are not recognized by the Catholic church as the work of God and they "don't count" or can be easily annulled.

Therefore, these "divorced" men where never married in the eyes of the Catholic church. The modern Catholic Church is more flexible (okay, not a whole lot more, but some) than what most people assume.

jack0177057
10-13-2010, 08:35 AM
I think the unavailable ones are too if that helps. ;)

Present parties excluded, right?

Well, then,... [light bulb over my head] lesbianism is your answer! :D

You and another hot girl like yourself would look sooooo good together! :D

Kellydancer
10-13-2010, 10:00 AM
I agree.

Kellydancer, I know your issue with divorced guys is based on your faith and I totally respect that, but, you should look into it more, because I don't think the rules are as rigid as you assume they are.

Some marriages (like civil marriages or marriages in other churches) in combination with certain circumstances (like youth and immaturity) - are not recognized by the Catholic church as the work of God and they "don't count" or can be easily annulled.

Therefore, these "divorced" men where never married in the eyes of the Catholic church. The modern Catholic Church is more flexible (okay, not a whole lot more, but some) than what most people assume.

I might consider in these cases. It would depend on the situation. I know people who were divorced and got married but would depend on the circumstances. For instance years ago I dated a guy who got married in Vegas (spur of the moment wedding) then got his marriage annulled right away. This was fine. A guy who'd been married a few years and had a huge wedding probably not. Definitely not if someone has kids though.

Luke34
10-19-2010, 05:35 AM
Same boat here. I just try to keep as busy as I can! Sucks tho. :'(

I think it is always important to find something worth getting out of bed for. I think if you keep busy just to black out loneliness, it is like taking a pain killer, and only a temporary solution.

I looked to find things I love doing as hobbies and now spend nearly half my work life around my hobbies. This has also allowed me to meet new people I share common interests with.

Luke34
10-19-2010, 05:37 AM
Bah i saw jaizaines name and thought she was back, just an old post :(

Yes me too and then i got sucked in.