View Full Version : Confessions Thread!
zoezoebelle
04-30-2015, 09:50 AM
I feel like I'm spiraling out of control. I'm barely eating or sleeping, I'm manic and paranoid and anxious all the time. I picked up a stranger in a bar again. I've been letting a lot of things escalate both at work and in my personal life. I think I knew this would happen when I broke up with my ex, and I was afraid, and now I can't tell if it was worth it to be away from his craziness because now I have my own craziness coming through from every angle. I wish there were someone in my life to just grab me and stop me from slipping into total chaos.
kaninchen
04-30-2015, 12:45 PM
It's my birthday tomorrow and my boyfriend made dinner reservations for us, his parents, and my family. It's going to be their first time our parents meet each other and I can't help but feel that it's, like, a "big deal" somehow. It's at an amazing, delicious, and expensive place that I love but I don't even want to go. I'd rather just stay home, make a grilled cheese, and watch a movie.
Yeah, my life is really hard.
kaninchen
04-30-2015, 12:51 PM
I feel like I'm spiraling out of control. I'm barely eating or sleeping, I'm manic and paranoid and anxious all the time. I picked up a stranger in a bar again. I've been letting a lot of things escalate both at work and in my personal life. I think I knew this would happen when I broke up with my ex, and I was afraid, and now I can't tell if it was worth it to be away from his craziness because now I have my own craziness coming through from every angle. I wish there were someone in my life to just grab me and stop me from slipping into total chaos.
Aw girl! I wish I could help you. I've definitely been there a few times. :hug:
You can't control other people's craziness, so if you were in a bad relationship, it's for the best that you're out of it. While it might be rough for the moment, now you only have to worry about taking care of you. You'll get through it. Be well!
miss.a.p1600
04-30-2015, 01:33 PM
I hate the baby's daddy. In the middle of a productive conversation then all of a sudden This cocksucker tried to slut shame me by bringing up my past relationships. This dude has gotten way more pussy than I've had dick - what a chauvinist hypocrite!
michele11
04-30-2015, 02:16 PM
OK funny confession- I watched the entire movie of "Valley Of The Dolls" last night. The movie was BAD but amusing. I really really enjoyed Sharon Tate's character. (She was reportedly based on Marilyn Monroe.)
I'm obsessed with sharon tate.
Elektra Luxx
04-30-2015, 02:21 PM
I feel like I'm spiraling out of control. I'm barely eating or sleeping, I'm manic and paranoid and anxious all the time. I picked up a stranger in a bar again. I've been letting a lot of things escalate both at work and in my personal life. I think I knew this would happen when I broke up with my ex, and I was afraid, and now I can't tell if it was worth it to be away from his craziness because now I have my own craziness coming through from every angle. I wish there were someone in my life to just grab me and stop me from slipping into total chaos.
I've been where you are right now and trust me it gets better. I was ready to spend the rest of my life alone and then when I least expected it, I start dating this really great guy. Who would have thunk it. Hugs
Aurora_Sunset
04-30-2015, 03:18 PM
I'm so lazy that when I'm lying on the couch with my laptop over on the coffee table, if I see a facebook notification go off on the screen, I check it on my phone rather than sit up and reach over.
lynn2009
04-30-2015, 03:28 PM
I think I've finally lost it. I was so pissed off and upset this morning I spent my entire (vanilla, career) work day fighting off tears. Texted the married guy I've been seeing every few months because I am a terrible person, he said he would call me in a few hours after an appointment (he didn't, he just texted me 30 min ago sorry, his day got busy and his phone is messed up. And he is the only person who previously had always made time for me). Anyway then I was walking and I saw a kid throw his empty plastic bottle on the ground and the dad definitely saw it and left it. So I said are you fucking me and I picked it up, completely intending to carry it home to recycle but I was so pissed off today I could literally punch someone and I threw this fucking bottle back at the kids dad. And of course it missed and I don't think he even realized what I did. Then I called my dad to tell him what a moron I am and ended up hanging up on him. Then I got back to my apartment and threw my keys and a shoe against the wall. Go me.
JessaJade
04-30-2015, 03:56 PM
Deleted
Selina M
04-30-2015, 05:29 PM
I've been at the new club for 2 hours. I've been rejected, either immediately or after wasting my time for 2 songs, 5 times in a row. For the first time ever, I wanted to cry and pack my bag. I have super thick skin, I don't know why I had that feeling. Another girl even tried to point me towards a spending customer, like I was a noob... Ugh. I hate this, going from being the mega hustler with lines of guys waiting to what feels like I can't give dances away.
whirlerz
04-30-2015, 05:33 PM
I'm obsessed with sharon tate.
OMG, I can't believe you said that, I am too! I always thought she was SO GORJ!!! Beautiful, perfect body. I thought my one friend (haven't seen in yrs.) looked similar to her. There's a little 3 part series about her life on you tube, you should check it out if you haven't already.
whirlerz
04-30-2015, 05:47 PM
Also: I just wanna scoop everyone up, & Hug you all..sorry everyone that's goin' thru a hard time!:hug::grouphug:
xStacey
04-30-2015, 09:23 PM
I always can't wait to have time off but I never enjoy my time off when I actually have it!
Legz541
05-01-2015, 12:36 AM
My friends are pretty conservative or don't know I dance so I need to vent to internet strangers.
-I keep going out with a guy and have no interest in but like that he pays for everything and buys me stuff
-About 75% of the reason I keep hooking up with this other guy is because when we're together he treats me really sweetly, like relationship ways. I know we'll never have a relationship but I crave that kind of attention after being single for so long.
-Money has been down at my club and I've really been letting it affect my self esteem. In years of dancing I've never been like this. I know it's not me but I cant help it.
Laylalust
05-01-2015, 03:45 AM
I totally just left work without paying house fee. I completely forgot! This is my fourth shift at this club and checking out there is such a ridiculous process that it was easy to forget a step, considering I was drunk and had just sold a ton of dances to one customer and was money high as well. I hope I don't get in trouble....I don't know if I should bring it up next time or just let them bring it up? Ugh. Awesome night though; custies were lovin' me.
Elektra Luxx
05-01-2015, 11:30 AM
but sometimes I do feel slightly resentful when I look at my bank account. So, just my two cents, make sure your relationship is definitely going somewhere before you flush your client base down the toilet.
Not leading a double life, my anxiety level has dropped. I don't regret giving up escorting, but I miss the extra money. My vanilla job pays OK, but I can make an easy $700.00 per appointment. I hate the feeling that I owe someone. That's why I don't borrow money or let someone buy something for me. That's the way people can control you and I don't like being controlled. When my bf and I go out to eat, he insists on paying and I like that, but I do insisted on paying sometimes too. I liked the extra money, that's why I continued escorting. (I started escorting for a different reason) It meant independence and being comfortable. Don't get me wrong, things are great with the bf, nobody is making me feel this way, but as I see my savings shrink I start to feel....like I'm losing my comfort zone.
michele11
05-01-2015, 01:30 PM
I always can't wait to have time off but I never enjoy my time off when I actually have it!
Haha. We are so much alike. I have 2 more days then I think I'm off 7 weeks. I'll be misserable.My kittens are going to hate me.
michele11
05-01-2015, 01:30 PM
I've been at the new club for 2 hours. I've been rejected, either immediately or after wasting my time for 2 songs, 5 times in a row. For the first time ever, I wanted to cry and pack my bag. I have super thick skin, I don't know why I had that feeling. Another girl even tried to point me towards a spending customer, like I was a noob... Ugh. I hate this, going from being the mega hustler with lines of guys waiting to what feels like I can't give dances away.
Please text me .
carmen_b
05-01-2015, 03:47 PM
It's nice to see other ladies here being honest about feeling angry . I'm struggling with this for sure.
BarbieNYC
05-01-2015, 04:03 PM
OMG
I took a nap with all the lights off and woke up with one random light turned on!
I'm freaking out. I asked my ex if he stopped by the apartment while I was asleep but my dog would've woken up. She was still at my feet in the same position when I woke up.
wth. No one else has a key to my apartment. Not even the super. Nothing was taken out of the apartment. The dog barrier I put against the door wasn't moved. This one lone light is freaking me out. Does anyone have an explanation for this?
miss.a.p1600
05-01-2015, 05:39 PM
OMG
I took a nap with all the lights off and woke up with one random light turned on!
I'm freaking out. I asked my ex if he stopped by the apartment while I was asleep but my dog would've woken up. She was still at my feet in the same position when I woke up.
wth. No one else has a key to my apartment. Not even the super. Nothing was taken out of the apartment. The dog barrier I put against the door wasn't moved. This one lone light is freaking me out. Does anyone have an explanation for this?
Could be electricity glitch or perhaps a sign from your loved one who has passed.
amberlly
05-01-2015, 06:07 PM
I am so over nodding at people and pretending to agree with them. And the stupid ridiculous shit they say coz they are always right
Aniela
05-01-2015, 07:02 PM
I think my crush on my now-ex's cousin is trying to rekindle itself. Same reason as when it flared up the first time -- Ex is gone, this time for good, & I associate Cousin w/ Ex, not to say I don't like Cousin on his own merits. Sm what glad he's in MD & I'm in FL, bc if he is anything like my ex then I would be royally fk'd to get involved w/ him. A girl can dream tho.
Had my first day at my new vanilla job today & I already want a day off. I think I'd be feeling like this even if I was back dancing or doing smtg else, esp since the last 6wks of basic I was not permitted to do anything bc of my injuries, then it's been almost a full yr since I was working at all. I've gotten squishy in my work ethic as well as my physical fitness.
xStacey
05-01-2015, 10:42 PM
I came home after work and was starving so I opened a bag of Doritos to eat while cooking. Now my meal is ready but I am no longer hungry and I feel so guilty for giving in & eating so many chips. :(
xStacey
05-01-2015, 10:44 PM
I think my crush on my now-ex's cousin is trying to rekindle itself. Same reason as when it flared up the first time -- Ex is gone, this time for good, & I associate Cousin w/ Ex, not to say I don't like Cousin on his own merits. Sm what glad he's in MD & I'm in FL, bc if he is anything like my ex then I would be royally fk'd to get involved w/ him. A girl can dream tho.
Had my first day at my new vanilla job today & I already want a day off. I think I'd be feeling like this even if I was back dancing or doing smtg else, esp since the last 6wks of basic I was not permitted to do anything bc of my injuries, then it's been almost a full yr since I was working at all. I've gotten squishy in my work ethic as well as my physical fitness.
Congratulations for getting the new job! :)
Selina M
05-02-2015, 12:40 AM
Friend and I just switched from planning our weddings... to talking about how useless men are, how they're pointless except to lift heavy things, we should just enslave them underground, and that I'm gonna start pretending we live in Wonderland and yelling "off with his head!" whenever one says something stupid.
Part of me is this manhating feminist and part is this super romantical Disney princess girl... today the feminist is awake.
lynn2009
05-02-2015, 05:55 AM
I'm supposed to go on an eight mile hike today and I think I would really like to stay in bed all day today please. The aforementioned 'gentleman' has gotten around to being a dick about paying for food. And truth be told I've thought from the beginning I'm not really into this but it's nice to have someone.
whirlerz
05-02-2015, 09:08 AM
I just registered to go to a self-publishing workshop @ my library, & I'm really looking forward to going. I've read about the subject online, but this'll good, hopefully
xStacey
05-02-2015, 11:20 AM
Work environment is so toxic at times... Sex work is already hard enough but coworkers bitchiness and catiness just makes it worse.
miss.a.p1600
05-02-2015, 12:01 PM
Work environment is so toxic at times... Sex work is already hard enough but coworkers bitchiness and catiness just makes it worse.
Ugh I hate that! I hate petty hoes who stay trying to one up you - at any cost - just to get ahead. They are the ones everywhere you turn there they are, constantly looking at you with their beady eyes, slithering around trying to hustle customers from your stage, and making dumba$$ comments that make you want to keep baby powder on deck so you can slap the sh*t out of them.
Like hoe sit your silly a$$ down and quit trying to compete cause it not a competition - you're not even qualified to compete with me.
Unfortunately the strip club is one of the few environments where majority of your coworkers do not act like your teammates but instead act like your most jealous competitors.
charlie61
05-02-2015, 02:30 PM
I confess that returning to dancing at a slightly older age has helped me understand why stripping felt so traumatic the first time around.
Dancing when you're a bit older has tons of advantages, one of which is having a fully formed identity outside of the club environment. When I was dancing at 18, I didn't know anything about myself, so dancing was a huge part of who I was; now, it's a much smaller part of who I am, and feels more like a job rather than an identifier. When you tie your identity to dancing, you're also tying it to how much money you make, which makes your identity feel quite fragile depending on how a night of work goes. When you're older and have plenty going on outside of the club, you're far less dependent on validation from dancing and money, which protects you from toxic customers and rough shifts.
Having an exit plan is a big part of this for me, too...just knowing that I'm moving towards a goal keeps me sane. When I was younger, I had no idea what I was going to do after I graduated and stopped dancing, which made me feel a bit like I was walking backwards off the edge of a cliff. Now that I have some career direction, I feel far more grounded and clear-headed when I'm working.
lynn2009
05-02-2015, 02:46 PM
I'm supposed to go on an eight mile hike today and I think I would really like to stay in bed all day today please. The aforementioned 'gentleman' has gotten around to being a dick about paying for food. And truth be told I've thought from the beginning I'm not really into this but it's nice to have someone.
Not a confession but we ended up doing 10.7 miles and it was really hard terrain. Can't move.
zoezoebelle
05-02-2015, 02:57 PM
I decided to do the sluttiest thing yet the other day, and I went with a much older man because he promised to take me on adventures (and other girls vouched for him). At first I felt totally shallow and guilty, but after going on a date with him I feel amazing. He is nothing like what I expected. He's kind, generous, fun, witty, and surprisingly good in bed. And to both of our surprise, we have a lot in common. Of course, staying in upscale hotels and being doted on by an obscenely rich guy doesn't hurt either!
BarbieNYC
05-02-2015, 08:48 PM
It's my first Saturday off in a long time and I'm sitting in the house by myself with my dog. I'm not used to being home alone at night as I'm always working and I can't help feeling sad and missing my ex.
Tonight he had a family gathering for a birthday and invited me to come and then watch the fight after with his cousins. I didn't go but he texted me saying he wishes I was there since it's the first time his whole family has gotten together in a long time. And they've all been asking about me.
I'm just feeling very sad and lonely. Currently binge watching on Netflix. I'm on Pocahontas right now.
Edit*** I dont miss him anymore. My apartment has been a mess since he moved in and I'm finally organizing it, deep cleaning, and decluttering it and so much of his shit is still here. I remember when it was just me in this apartment it was always spotless and organized. After he moved in with all his crap carelessly throwing things everywhere and hiding things when I nagged him to clean up. Ugh now I remember why I couldn't take it with him anymore
JessaJade
05-03-2015, 03:07 AM
Edit*** I dont miss him anymore. My apartment has been a mess since he moved in and I'm finally organizing it, deep cleaning, and decluttering it and so much of his shit is still here. I remember when it was just me in this apartment it was always spotless and organized. After he moved in with all his crap carelessly throwing things everywhere and hiding things when I nagged him to clean up. Ugh now I remember why I couldn't take it with him anymore
That shit is killing my relationship, it really has a negative effect over time. I confess I was relieved to have the place to myself all day yesterday. I pre-confess my blood will start to boil if he messes it up when he comes back later!
xStacey
05-03-2015, 10:07 AM
I really need a spa day and a 90 mins massage.
Prettyglitter
05-03-2015, 10:14 AM
My dancing and personal life is starting to overlap and it's scaring me to the point that I'm pretty much over dancing. Like I wanna graduate and leave all this behind me...
SimoneGray
05-03-2015, 10:35 AM
I confess that i am itching to have an irresponsible spending day...just wanna take cash, go to the shops and blow it all on clothes, shoes, and pretty things for myself.
Elektra Luxx
05-03-2015, 10:50 AM
Alcohol toxicity of the brain.
ScarletKitten
05-03-2015, 12:43 PM
I've been scared to post in this thread lately, b/c my last post was so.....dark and fucked up. I didn't want to scare or worry anybody, I'm sorry ladies. :(
I haven't danced or cammed in like 2 months. It's ridiculous. I've been battling these suicidal feelings. But I think I'm beginning to come back to life. I know I need to be on medication of some sort, but I just can't stomach the thought of paying for a therapist (too broke anyway) and taking some man-made pill. I just hate pills. I'd rather stick to all natural methods of medication.
Anyway, I'm still here....kind of. Feeling conflicted in all areas of my life. Feeling lost, broken, dead inside, just blah. I don't even recognize the person I am anymore.
I might need a priest to confess to instead of this thread. lol
carmen_b
05-03-2015, 12:50 PM
Same! I'm trying to fit at least an hour one into today!
I really need a spa day and a 90 mins massage.
carmen_b
05-03-2015, 12:52 PM
Are there any low cost health resources near you? When I didn't have insurance I went to one when sick and was surprised to find out they had mental health too.
I've been scared to post in this thread lately, b/c my last post was so.....dark and fucked up. I didn't want to scare or worry anybody, I'm sorry ladies. :(
I haven't danced or cammed in like 2 months. It's ridiculous. I've been battling these suicidal feelings. But I think I'm beginning to come back to life. I know I need to be on medication of some sort, but I just can't stomach the thought of paying for a therapist (too broke anyway) and taking some man-made pill. I just hate pills. I'd rather stick to all natural methods of medication.
Anyway, I'm still here....kind of. Feeling conflicted in all areas of my life. Feeling lost, broken, dead inside, just blah. I don't even recognize the person I am anymore.
I might need a priest to confess to instead of this thread. lol
Selina M
05-03-2015, 01:15 PM
I've been scared to post in this thread lately, b/c my last post was so.....dark and fucked up. I didn't want to scare or worry anybody, I'm sorry ladies. :(
I haven't danced or cammed in like 2 months. It's ridiculous. I've been battling these suicidal feelings. But I think I'm beginning to come back to life. I know I need to be on medication of some sort, but I just can't stomach the thought of paying for a therapist (too broke anyway) and taking some man-made pill. I just hate pills. I'd rather stick to all natural methods of medication.
Anyway, I'm still here....kind of. Feeling conflicted in all areas of my life. Feeling lost, broken, dead inside, just blah. I don't even recognize the person I am anymore.
I might need a priest to confess to instead of this thread. lol
I think some of us worried about you anyway. I was glad to see you post today! If you need to talk about anything, please PM me <3
amberlly
05-03-2015, 07:16 PM
I made no money this weekend. I worked a day shift and the weather outside was super gloomy. I didn't try very hard either just walked around like a zombie and took naps in the dressing room. Planning to up my game this week!
Elektra Luxx
05-03-2015, 07:47 PM
Me and the bf went out with his friends and their gfs to watch the game. I'm always nervous when I meet new people, but everyone is really nice. The bf was hardly drinking, he was mostly talking with friends. I don't drink that often, but when I do, I drink until I feel relaxed. I like not feeling so much anxiety all the time. So 2 fairly strong margaritas and I'm good for the night, but all the bf friends were saying stuff like "You can't stop now", "the party's just getting started". We are eating, talking, watching the game, so I keep going. I over did it.
Confession: I have a serious need for people to like me, I need to fit in so I give in to peer pressure. It's how I started escorting. My best friend in high school had the idea that we should pick up older guys a hotel bar and say we're escorts. Long story short, I did it, she didn't.
xStacey
05-03-2015, 08:47 PM
Oh my god, I just had the most traumatizing experience in the train :shocking:
I finished working at 11:00 p.m instead of 3:00 a.m. so decided to take the public transportation to return home instead of calling a cab. I've been taking the train for years late at night without any incidents but tonight... :ill:
Winter is over and the weather was really nice today, no more big puffy jackets, I wasn't wearing anything revealing or too sexy, simply a black long-sleeve shirt and blue skinny jeans. I still had my stripper make-up on and my hair extensions, I wanted to be home early so I left as soon as my shift was over. I was waiting for the train, it finally came and when I went inside there was no one. Then a big strange guy with black pants and an oversized orange shirt walks in and walks besides me, then he hurries back and asks if he could sit right next to me when there was plenty of other space available. I just nodded and continued reading my book thinking, it's not gonna be long before THAT moment when he asks for my name and number comes. Surprisingly, after a few long minutes, that moment never came.
I suddenly notice that he's been fidgeting the whole time and find it strange, he keeps moving his hands, I thought he was just playing with his shirt but he was going very fast. I stopped reading and thought it better not be what I am thinking. So I look at the window in front of me and notice he's making weird faces, he keeps turning his head to look at my reflection in the window and see that he's jerking off with his hand over his pants but under his big tee-shirt :ill: :ill: :ill:
I quickly looked around me and there was no one else in the same wagon, I saw through the window on my right there was someone in the next wagon but he was VERY far from me. I was paralyzed and didn't know what to do, I was scared to move so I just sat there and pretended nothing was happening, didn't look at him while he was jerking off, then at a certain moment I think he came when the train stopped and 4 people got in :ill:. He stopped, said thank you and smiled at me, then said a second time, thank you so much. I was horrified and I move to another seat far from him. When it was time for me to leave the train, I was so scared he was going to follow me so I turned around before I left and luckily he was gone.
:yuck:
whirlerz
05-03-2015, 08:55 PM
OMG Girl, wow. I am so sorry that happened..I never let anyone get close to me, if I can help it. People will do/try all kinds of shit these days
lynn2009
05-03-2015, 08:55 PM
Oh my god, you poor thing! I am so sorry! What a creep.
Selina M
05-03-2015, 09:24 PM
EW what a creep Stacey!! That's disgusting. I'm so sorry that happened to you!
zoezoebelle
05-04-2015, 06:22 AM
There are obscenely rich and powerful men fighting over the right to take me on vacation. I could get addicted to this.