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ravenskyy
12-24-2019, 09:13 PM
I keep getting vanilla jobs and then when it's time to start the job, I find reasons to back out of it. I cammed a few nights ago and it was awful. I ended up crying myself to sleep. I want to dance sooooo fucking bad and I can't. I've moved to this sad, pathetic, racist ass state and now I'm stuck here!

I fucking hate it here! I have no friends. I have no life outside of work and family. I don't have anyone to talk to! I'm alone. I'm trapped here. I don't know what to do. I don't even feel like myself anymore. I feel like I left myself in CT, because I've never been this sad, pathetic and depressed, until I moved here.

I don't know what happened to the strong, hard working and fun person that I used to be. But she's gone, and I miss her.

I wish that I had never moved to this awful place.

WendiStarr
12-26-2019, 04:57 PM
I wish I could find one of those domestic chore subs again. I had one back when I had BA surgery, to clean and cook for me while I was recovering and to help me shower, wash my hair, do laundry, and such. I wish I could find one to help me out with the rest of my pregnancy. I've got symphysis pubis dysfunction(spd) and getting down on my hands and knees to clean anymore is excruciatingly painful. Heck, even getting up from sitting or laying down and putting pants or socks on hurts like a son of a. I wish I could find one of those again but on fetish sites all I've got are responses from guys who want me to dress them in women's lingerie and peg them with strap ons, wimpy white guys who want me to force them to suck bbc, or more vanilla guys who want me to watch them jack off. I don't give a fuck about seeing anyone's dick or getting anyone's dick off right now, unless they are paying cam customers.

charlie61
12-26-2019, 09:58 PM
I feel like men are so dramatic. I mean, men and women are both dramatic (in general, obviously individuals differ). But like damn, why don't men have that reputation? The lack of emotional intelligence alone causes so many issues...

carmen_b
12-26-2019, 10:29 PM
I want a domestic slave so bad !
I feel like it's the final frontier in a way. The unicorn of sex work customers haha.


I wish I could find one of those domestic chore subs again. I had one back when I had BA surgery, to clean and cook for me while I was recovering and to help me shower, wash my hair, do laundry, and such. I wish I could find one to help me out with the rest of my pregnancy. I've got symphysis pubis dysfunction(spd) and getting down on my hands and knees to clean anymore is excruciatingly painful. Heck, even getting up from sitting or laying down and putting pants or socks on hurts like a son of a. I wish I could find one of those again but on fetish sites all I've got are responses from guys who want me to dress them in women's lingerie and peg them with strap ons, wimpy white guys who want me to force them to suck bbc, or more vanilla guys who want me to watch them jack off. I don't give a fuck about seeing anyone's dick or getting anyone's dick off right now, unless they are paying cam customers.

carmen_b
12-26-2019, 10:30 PM
^ this guy wrote to my friend ( she put an ad up legitimately needing cleaning help ) . He said he was 26 and wanted to clean in his underwear. I told her to forward the info to me.

Ifyouseekamy
12-28-2019, 04:52 AM
^^^I’m way more turned on my a man doing chores.

WendiStarr
12-28-2019, 01:20 PM
I slept for 11 hours and I still feel tired. I'm on dang bed rest and I don't want to be. I feel like I should be up doing something. I want to get on cam but I don't know if I'll be able to stay awake.

carmen_b
12-28-2019, 01:23 PM
Right ? ! ?

I'm legitimately turned on by service types of subs. There is some magic in here somewhere for me.


^^^I’m way more turned on my a man doing chores.

Aurora_Sunset
12-30-2019, 09:46 AM
I know logically that this New Year's isn't any more special than the turning of any other year. I've always loved NYE, and I normally do like to look back and take stock of the past year, if only to remind myself that I did accomplish things and have good times because sometimes life doesn't feel like that in the moment until you stop and take stock of a certain time period.

But even though I know the hype about 2020 is largely fabricated, for some reason, it is actually hitting me pretty hard right now. I'm truly taking stock of everything that's happened in the last decade and just reeling at the thought that I've had a solid 10 years of fully-adult life where SO much as happened and changed since 10 years ago. It's feeling unreal.

I feel more strongly than usual that I'm standing on the edge of the end of a chapter and getting ready to flip the page to into a whole new decade that will sever and be drastically different from the old. This New Year's is hitting me extra heavy emotionally. I really want to do some sort of ritual to see the old decade off, cleanse myself, and welcome in the new, but I don't know when I'd have time for it in the next couple of days. I know it's not necessary - it just feels... like I'd be dragging old energy into a new clean space if I didn't do it.

carmen_b
12-30-2019, 03:19 PM
^ I'd love to do a ritual or a day of meditation and quiet to welcome the new year also. I think it's important to do and set some intentions especially with the unique date. But really ..... just an excuse for a day of TLC and I'll take it. ;)

charlie61
01-01-2020, 08:42 PM
I've never tried CBD oil - just bought some online from kushqueen. Kind of excited to see what effect it might have on me!

lynn2009
01-01-2020, 10:40 PM
I just had such a long episode of gagging, choking on air and being unable to catch my breath, I'm honestly scared to be by myself tonight.

seashell
01-02-2020, 07:14 AM
^Oh no! I hope you feel better. Maybe you should have someone else come over, for the time being, that sounds pretty serious.

seashell
01-02-2020, 07:21 AM
I don't know why, but no one seems to believe me when I tell them that I'm *just friends* with men. Most of my friends are straight men. No, I'm not fucking them, kissing them, flirting with them, taking advantage of them. I just like having guys as friends!

Editing to add another confession. I totally did NOT plan my travels properly, and wound up with an unexpected overnight layover and no accommodations. But I somehow had an incredible NYE, by sheer luck. I found a lovely hostel (the only place in town with availability that wasn't hundreds of dollars), made some wonderful new friends, caught up on sleep, and had the best night watching live music & socializing. For being jet lagged and a bumbling idiot with no plans, it was better than I could possibly have wished for.

lynn2009
01-02-2020, 08:01 AM
I just had such a long episode of gagging, choking on air and being unable to catch my breath, I'm honestly scared to be by myself tonight.

I didn't die, and also nothing weird happened with my work apps I had on my phone.

lynn2009
01-02-2020, 08:34 AM
^Oh no! I hope you feel better. Maybe you should have someone else come over, for the time being, that sounds pretty serious.

I wish I could but there's literally no one it would be appropriate to ask.

miss.a.p1600
01-02-2020, 09:30 AM
It’s not easy to be just friends with guys cause 9 times out of 10 if you look halfway decent they have a secret desire to fuck you.

But the 10 percent that can actually just be friends it’s great to keep them around.

I confess that I want to end my celibacy but it HAS to be good

SnuffleUffleGrass
01-03-2020, 11:51 AM
I just had such a long episode of gagging, choking on air and being unable to catch my breath, I'm honestly scared to be by myself tonight.

Do you have asthma?

Hope you're better.

Confession- today is not an awesome day but I am getting through it.

SnuffleUffleGrass
01-04-2020, 10:13 AM
I love it when people with fucked up opinions get absolutely ran over and defeated by other people's smart arguments, it's just great entertainment. It would be even better if they learned something from it too.

Care to elaborate?

Confession- having a relative visit today, nottt feeling it at allll….

carmen_b
01-05-2020, 09:30 AM
^ Some people like to just ramble and hear themselves talk.
It's such a gross trait hahaha. As a sex worker you have practice just zoning in your mind and reacting with your face so put it into practice hahahah ........ I know I do.

carmen_b
01-05-2020, 09:31 AM
Sometimes on a road trip you just have to burn $50 to get a hotel to do nothing more than lounge around, go have a steak, have a jerk off marathon , cuddle with the dog, and go to bed early.

So I have heard anyway ..........

Aurora_Sunset
01-05-2020, 03:09 PM
My uncle had a stroke 8 days ago. Initially, it seemed like he should make a good recovery. He got to the hospital quickly, was still able to talk, and had some weakness in one side but was still at least moving his hands and feet some. He didn't need surgery and seemed like he should recover quickly and move on to rehab.

But then they couldn't keep his blood pressure under control, his tongue started to swell, and they had to intubate and sedate him. Now they have trouble waking him up from sedation just to assess his neurological and pain level. After this long, it's not looking good... And he has no advanced directives so no one has any idea what he would want in terms of medical decisions.

When he first was in the hospital, he expressed a lot of regret that he had been so distant from his family. A part of me hopes he still pulls through and is able to use this as a turning point in his life where he rethinks his priorities and makes changes. But at the same time, having seen a lot of stroke victims and their quality of life afterward if they're this bad off to begin with... would he even want to live such a diminished quality of life? To top it off, he's not even in the continental US, so he has no one there full time to be with him or make rehab bearable... if he even gets that far.

I think it's really making my whole family re-evaluate their lives seeing how quickly his changed and may be close to over... He's not that old.

WendiStarr
01-06-2020, 10:33 AM
I woke up horny and I was hinting around to BD about oral sex. He wasn't going for it but it may be because he just switched from afternoon shift to days. I plan on bothering him again later even if I have to sit 26lbs of belly on him and ride his face while going down on him at the same time.

Elektra Luxx
01-06-2020, 11:43 PM
I've been with guys who like music playing during sex and I never liked it even though it was only sex with them. While making love with bf, I want to be in the moment with him, mind, body and spirit. I like feeling him, touching and caressing him, I like hearing him and knowing I'm the one giving him pleasure.

OMG!!! Where does all this romantic BS come from? Bf was always the sentimental one. Who knew I was like this! Someone slap me!!

miss.a.p1600
01-09-2020, 07:36 PM
I still think about “that guy”

Despite him not being fully honest about his intentions after I asked, and him trying to toss me breadcrumbs

I still think about having him please me sexually. He was one of the best kissers I’ve had in a while, he had some nice hands that i imagined caressing my body, and that time we made out he would whisper in my ear like dirty talk but it wasn’t too dirty it was seductive n just right n I could picture that sending me over the edge.

I wish he wasn’t an ego centric guy who was still hung up on that gorilla looking ex

I must be a masochist?!?

Oh well.......

I will come across another guy who is better looking, richer, and a good lover so “that guy” will soon be a figment if my imagination

Aurora_Sunset
01-10-2020, 08:43 PM
I decided to do Dry January. I thought I'd feel great, but I honestly just hate it and struggle every night with whether I even want to keep doing it. I thought I'd feel so much better, less bloated, more energy, I'd need less sleep and be more productive. Instead I just feel like crap. I've been sick for almost a week straight now, and while it's not bad enough to keep me bedridden or anything, it makes it hard to have the energy for much more than the necessities of weekly life. I still sleep in, go through my day feeling like shit, and get very little done in terms of personal goals. It's like "why am I bothering to be sober while I still feel the same as I did when I drank? At least I could be tipsy and drinking honey whiskey to soothe my sore throat."

Most days I have endless debates with myself over why I'm doing this and try to talk myself into just saying screw it, I can have a drink if I want to, there's no law, who cares. I think the only reason I'm still doing it is to prove to myself that I can follow through on something that's legitimately hard and feels stupid in the moment. I also want to know if it's just the sickness that's making this feel like there's no upside. If I was otherwise healthy, would I feel great and have more energy? I have no idea, but I feel like I need to ride it out until I get to that point so I can make an accurate judgment when I'm not fucking sick. I legitimately feel like an alcoholic doing the "one day at a time" thing. The last time I did a 30 days of no alcohol "cleanse," I ended up smoking every night after day 3. I'm trying not to this time and to do this completely sober. I just. wish. I wasn't. so. damn. sick.

Ifyouseekamy
01-11-2020, 04:54 AM
I decided to do Dry January. I thought I'd feel great, but I honestly just hate it and struggle every night with whether I even want to keep doing it. I thought I'd feel so much better, less bloated, more energy, I'd need less sleep and be more productive. Instead I just feel like crap. I've been sick for almost a week straight now, and while it's not bad enough to keep me bedridden or anything, it makes it hard to have the energy for much more than the necessities of weekly life. I still sleep in, go through my day feeling like shit, and get very little done in terms of personal goals. It's like "why am I bothering to be sober while I still feel the same as I did when I drank? At least I could be tipsy and drinking honey whiskey to soothe my sore throat."

Most days I have endless debates with myself over why I'm doing this and try to talk myself into just saying screw it, I can have a drink if I want to, there's no law, who cares. I think the only reason I'm still doing it is to prove to myself that I can follow through on something that's legitimately hard and feels stupid in the moment. I also want to know if it's just the sickness that's making this feel like there's no upside. If I was otherwise healthy, would I feel great and have more energy? I have no idea, but I feel like I need to ride it out until I get to that point so I can make an accurate judgment when I'm not fucking sick. I legitimately feel like an alcoholic doing the "one day at a time" thing. The last time I did a 30 days of no alcohol "cleanse," I ended up smoking every night after day 3. I'm trying not to this time and to do this completely sober. I just. wish. I wasn't. so. damn. sick.

Don't give up.

I haven't been around these woods for awhile. I was using the law of attraction to manifest a young rich guy at the club to make it rain. Sure as shit some young rich guy came in and made it rain...LOL. He wanted me to be his girlfriend. I wish he was my type because he had money! He seemed like a really nice guy. If he was willing to come back and earn my trust and spend some money maybe....but he made it rain and after I refused to give him my number he lost interest. I just wanted to share here because I literally did my LOA practice before work, but I can't share that with my "vanilla" LOA friends.

miss.a.p1600
01-11-2020, 05:19 AM
^ i was going to say the same thing.

Keep going past January...the longer you go alcohol free the less you’ll think about it, crave it, etc

Also try high quality kombucha or fré (I think it’s called is that alcohol free “wine”) - the mind is very powerful because after so long being sober you get a buzz off things that have very little alcohol if any

queenelayliah
01-11-2020, 05:49 AM
My confession:

I am jealous of people who have a life. Jealous of those who have friends they meet in person. Jealous of those who have a lover/ significant other. Jealous of those who have good jobs & make more than 10k a year. I am super super jealous of people who go on a diet & their bodies fucking corporate & they succeed in loosing the weight.

I’m really should just go ahead & get gastic bypass.

miss.a.p1600
01-11-2020, 07:03 AM
I have an addiction to stripper webs

I probably have the most logins

JGB2009
01-11-2020, 11:28 AM
I have an addiction to stripper webs

I probably have the most logins

I love this place.

WendiStarr
01-11-2020, 01:17 PM
Sometimes I miss the days of working for the agency, when all I did was show up to work whenever I wanted to, make money, and leave. I especially miss it on days like these when I get an unexpected $104 bill. Back in those days, one booking would've easily paid off that bill. I usually got greedy and would want to work more that day so that I could have rent and everything else paid off for the rest of the month. Nowadays a $104 bill means a 7 hour shift of camming. I just don't have the energy to do 7 hours on cam in one day anymore.

seashell
01-11-2020, 11:56 PM
^I miss stripping for the same reason. Being on cam, the hours are more grueling. It's nice to do it from home, with more safety, without hurting my body... but damn... the money was good!

xxxGothBarbie
01-12-2020, 12:05 AM
I miss stripping $ too :(
It was so easy to get drunk & make half my rent in a night. Now with camming I'm lucky to make back a weeks worth of airbnb stays in a few days time.

seashell
01-12-2020, 12:18 AM
I miss stripping $ too :(
It was so easy to get drunk & make half my rent in a night. Now with camming I'm lucky to make back a weeks worth of airbnb stays in a few days time.

Literally my exact situation! haha

Aurora_Sunset
01-14-2020, 08:26 AM
Skipped my sales meeting this morning because I still feel like I need extra sleep as I finish recovering from being sick. I know I need to go into the office this week to motivate myself to get some stuff done, because I suck at focusing at home.

AChildOfBoredom
01-15-2020, 05:57 AM
Deleted. Had second thoughts after posting and decided some things are better kept under wraps.

AChildOfBoredom
01-15-2020, 02:52 PM
Edit: please don’t quote this

Okay… going to try this again and see if I can refrain from walking back on posting it this time. It stemmed from a conversation I had with the Irish woman regarding things such as interpersonal relationships, my lack of desire for intimacy and lack of any sort of sex drive, etc. There is something majorly wrong with me, and she knows it, and I think she’s aware that I understand what it is, but I wouldn’t tell her. And I think she found that a bit hurtful, and it’s hurtful for me as well to not be able to be straightforward with her. She is my best friend, one of very few people who has been able to actually get to know me, and she even cited me as her reason for renewing her visa in spite of not wanting to remain in Trump’s America. So I feel I owe her that much, at least. Maybe talking about it on here will help me be better able to open up to her about it.

I was assessed to have a mental disorder known as Cotard Delusion. Basically, I believe I’m dead and deny my very existence. And a few years back, I saw a better way to describe it than I can.

There’s a movie called Jacob’s Ladder. In the movie, a man is a soldier in Vietnam when his unit comes under attack. He runs into the jungle to escape, but ends up getting stabbed with a bayonet.

The next scene is a few years later. He’s back home, and life seems relatively normal, but it starts getting progressively weirder. At the very end, it’s explained to him - none of it was real. He never came home from a Vietnam. He died there.

And that’s how, I’m the dark recesses of my mind, I feel my life is. The last several years were merely an illusion assembled from fragments of my life from when I was still alive, played out in a span of… minutes? Seconds? Milliseconds?… in my final throes of death before my very consciousness is killed off, and that eventually one of these characters in this illusion of life will break the news to me that, “hey, you died over there. You didn’t go under and come back - you just went under. It’s time to accept it and move into the white light already”. Every day I wonder which of these manifestations in my mind presented in the form of people will be the one to unexpectedly give me this confirmation of what I’ve believed all along, so I can finally stop being in denial about it and fighting it.

It’s still 2010. My physical being is still on a table in Afghanistan, presumably surrounded by doctors and nurses scrambling about in act of futility. My sister isn’t here. She’s still in a Mennonite community in Wisconsin, her and parents being unaware that a uniformed soldier and a religious figure - I’d assume a community elder - will soon show up at their door. The Irish woman, my ‘refugee’, the others who’ve lived in this house - they’re not real, only manifestations in my mind composed of fragments of people I encountered from a time when I was still among the living. I never came home. I never lived to see my 21st birthday. Perhaps it’s just me trying to find a happy place in my final moments of consciousness.

This is my everyday. How do you explain that to people who you know would never understand it? There is no escape, there is no snapping out of it. Hurting myself to verify that I still felt pain didn’t do it. Cutting myself to verify that my blood still flowed didn’t do it. And trying to look at it logically definitely didn’t work. I grew up in a Mennonite family when I was still alive. “Living me” could never have become a stripper. She wanted to be so bold, but was held back by her formative years being in a culture which abhorred sexuality - especially female sexuality. “Living me” took pole classes, but didn’t have the level of passion for it that “dead me” has. Would I really have been able to buy this house? Would the timing and conditions really have been so perfect? Would I really have opened up my home to three complete strangers just on gut instinct?

And even though I “know” it’s a disorder and reality “is” what’s in front of and around me, my mind just isn’t able to process and accept this. My mind is always telling me, “enjoy it while you’re able. You’re fading away quicker than you realize”.

In one fashion or another, I died in Afghanistan.

And there’s the big skeleton in my closet. I hope I don’t regret posting this. But maybe it could help to air out that bit of dirty laundry.

SnuffleUffleGrass
01-17-2020, 09:21 AM
(I'm not quoting the above but)

...I had similar thoughts that dogged me for years after a horrific high speed car accident about 20 years ago.

AChildOfBoredom
01-17-2020, 02:02 PM
It’s rough, isn’t it?

I finally talked to her about it today. It’s not really something that I like or explain or even really know how to, but I managed. She tried to be reassuring and tell me, “No, you’re very alive and very real”, so of course I thought I’d make a big funny and I said to her, “That’s exactly what a fictitious apparition formed in my mind during my final moments in this plane of existence would say”. She became a bit upset. A side effect of it is that my humor has gotten a bit dark over the years, and it requires a conscious and active effort on my part to curb it, because it’s not really something most people would be on board with. Sometimes my cognizance of that lapses.

The whole thing has really impacted me as far as all manner of interpersonal relationships go, but I’m starting to find some sense of parity there at least. It caused me to disconnect from a lot of people, though.


https://youtu.be/qXIjE_gDw94

What a fitting theme song.

yaya_cash
01-18-2020, 10:18 AM
Okay, I'm depressed again. What I thought would help me just added to depression after a horrible experience with some asshole with being my first time returning in a while to a club. And now I feel like I need more time to recover now. Only making things worst.

Okay- I'm getting up.

seashell
01-19-2020, 08:49 AM
I feel super antisocial lately. I spent the entire month of December socializing and traveling... I guess I needed to take the month of January to myself, and become a hermit.

I've been focusing on work, instead, and the money is rolling in. Loving it!

xStacey
01-19-2020, 11:28 AM
I am looking for a new law firm to complete my articling after sexual harassment issues at my current workplace. I have an interview in one week at a really great firm downtown... and it might sound creepy but there was a very popular high end escort in my city whom I reallyyyy admired since I was in my early 20s and she has since left the industry... I accidentally stumbled on her Fb profile due to common friends and discovered her real name, and saw she's now a paralegal at that firm... I really hope I get the job, but it will be so weird...!!!!! It's a boutique firm and she's working in the department I want to be hired into, one part of me really would want to confess that I was in the sex industry and have been admiring her for a long time, but it would be too creepy, so I will have to keep it to myself... Hopefully I don't bump into her on interview day, otherwise she might find that I act strange LOL

yaya_cash
01-20-2020, 02:23 AM
It's awkward returning after some time away from the club. Almost like you're new; and you have to find your confidence, again-- to make (more) money.

I expected the other days to be better with honing on my skills/knowledge.

xStacey
01-22-2020, 11:51 AM
Omg I had an interview at a small law firm and it was only with the partner one on one in a conference room. He was soooo hot I thought the pictures were photoshopped but he really looked like the pictures. Over 6 feet, blonde, perfect hair, high cheekbones, blue eyes, huge smile and sooo nice. I wasn’t too interested in the firm but he was sooo hot, like model material. Unfortunately he’s married. He asked me when I can start I said first week of February so he asked me if I am looking elsewhere I sais I have interviews until next week I would like to make my decision then. He said even if I make you an offer tomorrow you wouldn’t be able to answer until the end of next week? I said yes. Lolll :X My top choice is next Tuesday. But damn he was hot.

WendiStarr
01-22-2020, 06:59 PM
I was getting tired of cooking so I ordered a cauliflower crust pizza from Blaze Pizza, thinking I could get away with being lazy for dinner tonight since I've tried cauliflower crust pizza before and didn't have any issues. It spiked my blood sugar 7 points too high. I'm guessing the sauce must've had hidden sugar in it because I got a spinach, mushroom, onion, and cheese only cauliflower crust pizza. That's what I get for being lazy and not cooking it myself instead. :(

SnuffleUffleGrass
01-22-2020, 08:43 PM
I'm petty annoyed I feel Catholic guilt over an excellent real estate opportunity that is coming my way.

I will cleanse it (the feeling) by putting some silver in the collection plate. Heh heh.

lynn2009
01-22-2020, 09:28 PM
Maybe I am too heartless in my old age, but I don't think anything will ever convince me to speak to my family again. My mom emailed me when they had to put one of the dogs down, and I definitely mourned the sweet girl, but it wasn't worth rushing north and having to see my parents. Puppy knew I loved her very much, I'm the only one who ever walked her when I was home and I got her bark boxes. My sister emailed me that she's pregnant and I don't care. My mom emailed me that my niece keeps asking to see me and I still don't care. When she's older I'll tell her what a dumb, abusive fuck her father is and we can reconnect then. My parents ardently defended him after he hit me and that's unforgivable.

carmen_b
01-22-2020, 10:36 PM
I have to go to Hawaii again for work in a few weeks. I have such mixed feelings! I had a melt down last November and had to pay $350 to get off the island immediately. ;(

This time I think I should be able to keep my shit together.
I may have to incorporate former SD though.
I tried not to reach him last time ( that lasted 30 hours ). He came and saved me.

It was such a pile of SHIT in November . I was melting leaving the damn airport . These feelings of " I can't believe my ex left me " just STUCK with me for days because it was " our " territory and the setting of our love story.
Then the work day got really weird ( like the cops coming type of weird ) on my FIRST day there.

I am probably going to have to prepare this time in advance with a therapist.
J is not going to be there in his car with a huge hug smelling like citrus shower gel, and a flower lei in a box ( a routine for us when I would travel ) .
D would be if I asked him to.
OR I take a damn cab and not be wuss and cry like last time !

I need to DO IT this time ! Piss on the sand and reclaim my land like I had planned. Minus the piss part ( there is so much of it already, some of the beaches are so gross hahaha ).

seashell
01-23-2020, 04:12 AM
I bought a workbook for PTSD, and I can barely open it without crying. I wish I would have bought this or actually told the truth to a therapist, ten years ago. It's nearly the exact 10 year anniversary of when the trauma happened, and I'm barely starting to get my shit together.