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pixierocksonthepole
05-18-2010, 05:27 PM
I pretty much cheated in almost all of the relationships I was in too. Except for the one I'm in right now. I don't feel the need to. It is hard I won't lie, because I strongly like change. But I am so happy that it isn't as difficult as I thought it would be. It's like fleeting moments that I have thought, well why not and then I remind myself...why should I? I always did it because I was so unhappy. Or I was being abused or something else was going on that I won't mention.

But that isn't the case now. I don't feel like I'm going to cheat and I know I won't be cheating on my husband. He really fulfills me in ways that I was looking for and why in the world would I mess that up? Honestly the only reason I would not ever be with my husband again would be because he chose it. Not because of me doing something stupid.


Now let's just hope he always stays there ;D

Athenathefabulous
05-18-2010, 05:34 PM
yea if i feel fulfilled i dont feel the urge. at first i felt no urge whatsoever.

but yea as soon as i felt let down, or neglected, its back to square one.

im really best being my own woman. before i said relationships werent for me, and go figure i was right.

Everyman
05-18-2010, 05:57 PM
I once lived with a guy and cheated on him with one of his best friends. I don't feel guilty about it at all. Sounds terrible but once I moved in with him, I found out not only was he an alcoholic, he was emotionally abusive and didn't like sex all that much. Since at that point (I was 22) I didn't want my parents to say "I told you so) I stuck it out. I had a strong attraction to his friend and his friend to me. He was much hotter than my ex and nicer. So when my ex would go to sleep I fooled around with the friend. My ex eventually found out and strangely instead of being upset he liked the idea so he suggested a threesome (which we did).

Would I do it again? Probably not. I've dated several guys at the same time but wasn't sleeping with any so I don't think that's cheating.

He didn't like sex (with a hot young girl) that much, but he suggested a threesome with a GUY and moreover, his FRIEND.

Did you later find out he was gay? Seems highly likely.

pixierocksonthepole
05-18-2010, 05:57 PM
yea if i feel fulfilled i dont feel the urge. at first i felt no urge whatsoever.

but yea as soon as i felt let down, or neglected, its back to square one.

im really best being my own woman. before i said relationships werent for me, and go figure i was right.

Exactly, thank goodness that isn't my issue now.

I hope it stays this decent. I wouldn't want to loose him. It;s amazing the things he has done for me.

charlie61
05-18-2010, 07:00 PM
This is why I decided that, at this point in my life, I can't be monogamous. I'm emotionally monogamous and physically nonmonogamous.

I love the variety. And honestly, when my SO sets me free, it makes me love him even more. The variety also keeps me even more interested in him. Because the unknown isn't unknown (since I can explore it), there's no way for me to glorify other people. I think that's one of the main reasons people cheat. The Other becomes 'better' only because he/she is unknown.

It also makes it much more clear for me. I'm serious about my SO, and these other people are just playthings.

jack0177057
05-18-2010, 07:00 PM
I pretty much cheated in almost all of the relationships I was in too. Except for the one I'm in right now. I don't feel the need to. It is hard I won't lie, because I strongly like change.

The way I resolve the conflict between my strong impulse for variety and new thrills with my commitment to my GF is by visiting the SCs. I get to meet, chat and get erotic lap dances from sexy, smart and glamorous women, but I would never cross the line to get a "happy ending" (even though its offered to me often and is tempting). I'm not saying its a morally perfect solution, but it keeps me faithful. Plus, I don't go that often - I haven't been to the SC in about 2 months.

Have you ever tried a male revue as a way of experiencing some variety and thrill without being unfaithful?

charlie61
05-18-2010, 07:07 PM
Some people just weren't meant to be monogamous, IMO.

Even just having the option of being able to flirt/mess around with people makes my SO more attractive to me. I'll probably settle into monogamy as I age, but right now it just isn't an option. I love flirting, I love sexual attention (makes me feel more normal as an asexual), and I love mixing it up a bit. Shrugs.

pixierocksonthepole
05-18-2010, 07:37 PM
The way I resolve the conflict between my strong impulse for variety and new thrills with my commitment to my GF is by visiting the SCs. I get to meet, chat and get erotic lap dances from sexy, smart and glamorous women, but I would never cross the line to get a "happy ending" (even though its offered to me often and is tempting). I'm not saying its a morally perfect solution, but it keeps me faithful. Plus, I don't go that often - I haven't been to the SC in about 2 months.

Have you ever tried a male revue as a way of experiencing some variety and thrill without being unfaithful?

I actually find male strippers to be very frightening to me. It isn't weighing down on me like in past relationships but just enough that I notice it and I keep in check very well, just by saying no.

Kellydancer
05-18-2010, 07:38 PM
He didn't like sex (with a hot young girl) that much, but he suggested a threesome with a GUY and moreover, his FRIEND.

Did you later find out he was gay? Seems highly likely.

No, he didn't do anything with his friend, he just wanted to watch his friend do things with me (basically his friend went down on me and he watched). Probably sick in some extent. It wasn't a healthy relationship, which is why I left. He also hated me dancing, but then he accepted it, but told me he could never marry me (months after he asked me).

Kellydancer
05-18-2010, 07:43 PM
Some people just weren't meant to be monogamous, IMO.

Even just having the option of being able to flirt/mess around with people makes my SO more attractive to me. I'll probably settle into monogamy as I age, but right now it just isn't an option. I love flirting, I love sexual attention (makes me feel more normal as an asexual), and I love mixing it up a bit. Shrugs.


In general I think everyone has the capacity to sleep with others (whether cheating, swinging, open relationships etc) but some have the urges stronger. I know in the past I hated the idea of being with one person sexually forever, now I love the idea. The guy I hope I marry isn't the type who could handle even a FWB relationship without developing feelings. I know people older than me who aren't in monogamous marriages, and know people younger than me who are.

Jessie_tinydancer
05-19-2010, 06:20 AM
OMG this is so true. I've made up my mind that I need to break up with my SO, but he will never ever find out if I can help it. I'd rather live with the guilt than destroy his psyche.

I think that's a good idea. It could ruin his trust in women forever if you told him. Best to let him have a chance at a relationship with someone else. It was pretty freaking obvious to my ex that I cheated on him (although I never admitted it) but when you are pretty much engaged to someone a week after breaking up with someone else .... I seriously ruined him. It is probably the only thing in my life I would change if I could. Not the cheating because it made me realise I was not happy, but I would have tried to cover it up more. This ex of mine was a pretty good catch (just not right for me). We have been broken up for over 6 years and as far as I have heard he is still very very bitter and has yet to have a decent relationship due to issues around our previous relationship.

jack0177057
05-19-2010, 08:14 AM
Some people just weren't meant to be monogamous, IMO.

There are two questions to ask: (1) Do you want to be monogamous? and (2) Can you be monogamous?

If you don't want to be, that's a choice, and it may change down the road or it may result in a swinger lifestyle with a like-minded partner. The real problem is with those that want to be monogomous and make commitments to be monogamous, but break them.

Sexual addiction might make it very difficult to be monogamous, even if you want to. I think I'm a borderline sex addict because of my high sex drive. With my ex-wife, we had sex twice nearly every day for the first year and a half of our marriage. But, eight years later we were down to only two or three times a week and the rejection the other four or five nights of the week was excruciating and led to feelings of insecurity and neglect.

Anyway, if I can remain monogamous in my current relationship despite the temptations and super-high sex drive, I think nearly anyone who wants to be in a monogamous relationship is capable of it with determination,... except only those people with the most severe types of sexual addiction... But, even sexual addicts might be capable of accomplishing monogamy (assuming they wanted to) with therapy and support.

charlie61
05-19-2010, 01:54 PM
^ Well, I'm asexual. So I'm pretty sure my case is different than yours..

My opinion is that "can't" and "don't want to" are the same thing, cloaked under different facades. I think people who "can't" actually can, and just don't want to have to abstain from certain behaviors. Obviously there are exceptions.

Jessie_tinydancer
05-20-2010, 12:44 AM
There are two questions to ask: (1) Do you want to be monogamous? and (2) Can you be monogamous?

If you don't want to be, that's a choice, and it may change down the road or it may result in a swinger lifestyle with a like-minded partner. The real problem is with those that want to be monogomous and make commitments to be monogamous, but break them.

Sexual addiction might make it very difficult to be monogamous, even if you want to. I think I'm a borderline sex addict because of my high sex drive. With my ex-wife, we had sex twice nearly every day for the first year and a half of our marriage. But, eight years later we were down to only two or three times a week and the rejection the other four or five nights of the week was excruciating and led to feelings of insecurity and neglect.

Anyway, if I can remain monogamous in my current relationship despite the temptations and super-high sex drive, I think nearly anyone who wants to be in a monogamous relationship is capable of it with determination,... except only those people with the most severe types of sexual addiction... But, even sexual addicts might be capable of accomplishing monogamy (assuming they wanted to) with therapy and support.

And when a mega hot chick hits on you who is not necessarily a stripper and is doing it for free? Still capable? I think anyone who is aggressively pursued by someone they are physical attracted to would have to have a ridiculous amount of willpower to say no.

jack0177057
05-20-2010, 07:56 AM
^ You have to avoid those situations early on. The problem is that people start "innocent" flirtations with attractive co-workers, new friends,etc., and it progresses over time to the point where the attraction and sexual tension becomes overwhelming. That's how I ended up cheating on my ex-wife. If you meet someone new who is mega hot - don't flirt, because its never just "innocent fun". You have to minimize your contact with that person - if its a business relationship, keep it strictly business.

If you really want to be faithful, but this is very hard for you, you have to treat it like an addiction - stay away from anything that might cause you to slip.

Trem
05-20-2010, 09:35 AM
And when a mega hot chick hits on you who is not necessarily a stripper and is doing it for free? Still capable? I think anyone who is aggressively pursued by someone they are physical attracted to would have to have a ridiculous amount of willpower to say no.

Not that it happens terribly often but it has happened and honestly i found it incredibly easy to say no. I have absolutely no problems being single and i have no problems leaving a relationship that isn't working out for me, that means if i am in a relationship with someone it's because i REALLY want to be in a relationship with them so cheating doesn't even cross my mind. The trick is to not settle for someone just because you want to be in a relationship, if you are sure the person you are with is right for you then the temptation simply goes away.

Athenathefabulous
05-20-2010, 09:46 AM
Not that it happens terribly often but it has happened and honestly i found it incredibly easy to say no. I have absolutely no problems being single and i have no problems leaving a relationship that isn't working out for me, that means if i am in a relationship with someone it's because i REALLY want to be in a relationship with them so cheating doesn't even cross my mind. The trick is to not settle for someone just because you want to be in a relationship, if you are sure the person you are with is right for you then the temptation simply goes away.

completely agree. settling for people because fear of being single is a big part in why people cheat.

Luna Louise
05-20-2010, 09:47 AM
I have a "cheating light" philosophy. I would feel pretty shitty if I cheated with a guy but have no remorse whatsoever if I mess around with a hot chick. (eatin ain't cheatin LOL) I guess because that is just lust driven and I don't date girls so I know it was just fun.

jack0177057
05-20-2010, 11:39 AM
if you are sure the person you are with is right for you then the temptation simply goes away.

I don't think its that easy for everyone. Some people have to struggle with the temptation, even though they love their SO. This is specially true if you have a very high libido and have had a promiscuous lifestyle before meeting your SO, because those habits are hard to break.

jack0177057
05-21-2010, 12:11 PM
^ Victoria669Jones and I must never meet (unless we're both unattached) - her libido is about as insane as mine... ;)

ivygirl
05-30-2010, 12:44 PM
I have absolutely no conscious when it comes to cheating. i have always done it. i dont even put 'in a relationship' on my facebook status as to not scare off potential suitors! LOL

CaseyLace
05-30-2010, 01:55 PM
You know... a lot of people cheat, and then regret it. I had the chance to cheat once on my abusive ex-BF. And I didn't do it. And that, I regret...

kthnx
05-31-2010, 08:26 AM
granted most of the time i cheated it was because i felt trapped. The one ex who i cheated on the most really deserved it, it was a relationship i needed out of but he pretended to have cancer to guilt me into staying with him (didnt find out he faked it till several months later. he also faked it to his family and friends. severe pathological liar).

Wow. just wow. i bet u're glad u cheated on him so much lol since he sure as heck deserved it for trying to trap u with a lie about such a serious illness. if it were me, i probably would have been skeptical of his claim - since ive known pretty bad liars before and im a pretty jaded skeptical person in general - but if i did genuinely beleive him then i probably would have stayed loyal to him due to his sad illness and then woulda been REALLY mad at myself later for having NOT cheated on him. but bravo to u for not staying true to this clown who didnt deserve ur loyalty





So just wondering, for those that have been guilty of it in the past, why do you think you cheated and how did you feel afterwards? Guilty or shrugged it off?

yes ive cheated a few times in the past. mostly when i was much younger like high school or college, but almost always when my "relationship" was ambiguous at best, i.e. not sure if we were still even "on" or not. i usually felt atleast a tad guilty but eventually got over it. a few yrs after college i cheated on a guy as direct revenge for him cheating on me - just so i could rub it in - and the one regret i had was that i waited so long to cheat back, to the point that for a while i looked like a fool waiting around for him to make plans with me (as we usually did every weekend) while he was over some girl's house with no intention to ever take me out agian - which is why i cheated and acted sluttier than who i really am.

princessjas
05-31-2010, 09:12 AM
I haven't technically ever cheated....but I have had a few commitment phobe guys back in college who I KNEW would consider it cheating...tho we weren't "official" and ya, if they couldn't call me their gf, I did whatever I wanted whenever I wanted it...without telling them (which is the only part I really feel badly over). I have never cheated when it has been understood that we were exclusive though (but I really prefer open relationships, muuuuuch less stressful). I don't even have the desire for strange cock 99% of the time and only really get crazy hot for guys with certain dominate personality traits. Looks are less important to me as long as they are reasonably attractive, luckily the few men I've found who meet my criteria I have also found attractive.

mediocrity
05-31-2010, 10:22 AM
I did once, I guess technically. I broke up with him in the bathroom when I was out on a date before I even kissed him or anything. I did out of sheer, unadulterated boredom and frustration.

He begged me back. It was pretty pitiful. But I didn't fold, and I kind of felt bad that I didn't feel bad.

lopaw
06-01-2010, 08:01 PM
I've cheated on every partner I've ever had, and I suspect that I will continue cheating til the day I die. It is who I am, and I don't expect most people to understand. I can't justify it, nor make any excuses. It is the choice I make and must live with, knowing the hurt that can be inflicted on unsuspecting loved ones.

princessjas
06-01-2010, 08:29 PM
This is why I decided that, at this point in my life, I can't be monogamous. I'm emotionally monogamous and physically nonmonogamous.

I love the variety. And honestly, when my SO sets me free, it makes me love him even more. The variety also keeps me even more interested in him. Because the unknown isn't unknown (since I can explore it), there's no way for me to glorify other people. I think that's one of the main reasons people cheat. The Other becomes 'better' only because he/she is unknown.

It also makes it much more clear for me. I'm serious about my SO, and these other people are just playthings.

I've tried to sum up why I prefer open relationships many times....tried to explain why I feel happier and more secure when all our options are open, but this says it better than I ever could. I also feel like when the relationship is open that it's ME he is choosing. The real me, not just the sex....and not because he has to in order to avoid a dry spell, but just because he wants to be with me more than with any other person at that time. It's an awesome feeling! More peeps should try open relationships, imo! ;D Everyone would be MUUUUCH happier and less stressed! ;)

mediocrity
06-02-2010, 01:37 AM
I've done open relationships before, and wouldn't be opposed to sharing my husband sometimes as a treat. But when I've cheated, I always felt bad for NOT feeling bad. It's weird. I sort of lack the remorse or guilt connections in my brain.

laviebelle
06-12-2010, 01:21 AM
I've never cheated. I haven't always been happy with boyfriends (far from).

I don't know why.

I guess if I had the balls to cheat I would break up too.

I think cheating might be you maintaining some knid of control,

justifymylove
06-12-2010, 02:37 PM
I've cheated on every partner I've ever had, and I suspect that I will continue cheating til the day I die. It is who I am, and I don't expect most people to understand. I can't justify it, nor make any excuses. It is the choice I make and must live with, knowing the hurt that can be inflicted on unsuspecting loved ones.

Have you tried open relationships?

Devinxoxo
06-12-2010, 03:37 PM
i am far from perfect and try not judge but cheating is just one of those subjects i feel has absolutely no excuse. either break up or don't cheat. it is always that simple.

there is just never reason, in my mind, to lie to someone. dont do exclusive relationships if u kno u will cheat. like the op stated, she no longer does relationships. if u prefer an open relationship let the other person know!

i dont want to blast neone but consider the other person's health, feelings, etc. it's just not right.

jack0177057
06-15-2010, 08:32 AM
I've cheated on every partner I've ever had, and I suspect that I will continue cheating til the day I die. It is who I am, and I don't expect most people to understand. I can't justify it, nor make any excuses. It is the choice I make and must live with, knowing the hurt that can be inflicted on unsuspecting loved ones.

I don't judge you on your rejection of monogamy, because I believe that this concept is purely a cultural construct. But, why not hook-up with a similarly minded girl (like PrincessJas and Mediocrity) and have an open and honest relationship? Why the need to deceive and destroy? Is it because (1) you don't think there are any women that can deal with an open relationship, or (2) you want her to be exclusive with you, i.e. a one-way monogamous relationship.

I would never trust a cheater for anything. If I knew that a dude was cheating on his wife, I would not do business with him, because the chances are his selfishness and dishonesty extend beyond his romantic relationship. If he cheats on his wife, he probably cheats on his employer, business partners, and friends too.


But when I've cheated, I always felt bad for NOT feeling bad. It's weird. I sort of lack the remorse or guilt connections in my brain.

Did you love the guys you cheated on at the time of the cheating event? My impression from reading this thread is that a lot of women cheat on BFs they hate, and therefore feel no remorse. Instead of leaving their asshole BFs, they cheat as a form of revenge. Instead of remorse, the feeling they get is probably the pride and joy of vindication or validation.

Athenathefabulous
06-15-2010, 08:52 AM
I would never trust a cheater for anything. If I knew that a dude was cheating on his wife, I would not do business with him, because the chances are his selfishness and dishonesty extend beyond his romantic relationship. If he cheats on his wife, he probably cheats on his employer, business partners, and friends too.





i have to disagree with this. as the original cheating poster of this thread, i am bad with cheating and romantic relationships in general. however, when it comes to friendship, if you are my friend i am probably the most trustworthy friend you can have. ive gone out on ridiculous limbs for friends and have had peoples backs to no end. mentally they are in an entirely different category than romantic relationships.

as far as business goes: as a partner i would be completely trustworthy, but to an employer... well i dont like a hierarchy system so anyone who feels above me in a hierarchy would by default not get my honest side.

jack0177057
06-15-2010, 12:25 PM
^ That's because your relationship with friends has been more positive then your romantic relationships. But, how will you deal with serious conflict and tension when it arises in a friendship situation?

With a BF, if he is an asshole, instead of confronting him and dumping him, you use sex (with other guys) as a means to punish him. This is passive aggressive.

If a friend or business partner does something shitty that really pisses you off, a passive-aggressive revenge-cheater-type is likely to avoid a confrontation, and instead, "punish" that friend/business partner by saying bad things behind their back, sabotaging something important to that person, etc.,...

I don't know you, so I'm not saying anything about you particularly. I'm just speaking generally. I would have concerns trusting a revenge-cheater type as a friend or business partner, even if her BF was a total prick and deserved it. At some point in our relationship, I might piss her off and there's no telling what surreptitious tactics she will use to "punish" me.

Kellydancer
06-15-2010, 12:45 PM
I don't judge you on your rejection of monogamy, because I believe that this concept is purely a cultural construct. But, why not hook-up with a similarly minded girl (like PrincessJas and Mediocrity) and have an open and honest relationship? Why the need to deceive and destroy? Is it because (1) you don't think there are any women that can deal with an open relationship, or (2) you want her to be exclusive with you, i.e. a one-way monogamous relationship.

I would never trust a cheater for anything. If I knew that a dude was cheating on his wife, I would not do business with him, because the chances are his selfishness and dishonesty extend beyond his romantic relationship. If he cheats on his wife, he probably cheats on his employer, business partners, and friends too.



Did you love the guys you cheated on at the time of the cheating event? My impression from reading this thread is that a lot of women cheat on BFs they hate, and therefore feel no remorse. Instead of leaving their asshole BFs, they cheat as a form of revenge. Instead of remorse, the feeling they get is probably the pride and joy of vindication or validation.

Ok, I was thinking something and am curious of your view. Right now I am seeing a guy, but we aren't serious due to other issues (his with personal, mine financial). However, there is no doubt in either of our minds that we love each other. Also, I am pretty sure that we will be together for a long time, hopefully forever. Having said that, we aren't sleeping together, nor will we until our issues get settled. This is for many reasons, including the fact that we both feel a pregnancy would require marriage and we aren't ready to marry. Now let's say I decided to have sex with another guy, knowing that this would hurt him (I know he'd be devastated, he even told me this). Would this be cheating or not? I'm not going to (and he has no interest with anyone besides me) but some people would think this is fine because we aren't an official couple, but others would say it was wrong because we are working towards being a couple. Not right or wrong answer, just curious.

It is kind of interesting that you won't do business with a cheater. I never thought of that, but does make sense. To me, an open relationship is much different than cheating. I could never have an open relationship, but I've met people who do and don't care either way. I've also met people who cheated on their spouse and thought they were low. Maybe it's because the open relationship people both agreed on it.

jack0177057
06-15-2010, 07:00 PM
^ Its about honesty and integrity. If I tell a girl that I don't believe in monogamy and I am going to sleep around, this is honest (and its more honest if I tell her before she sleeps with me, rather than after). She may not like it, but I have not deceived her. Or, maybe she wants to sleep around, too, and readily accepts this. There is no deception involved here, so its not cheating.

In your situation, if you tell the guy - look, we're not in an exclusive serious relationship yet, so I am going to "date" other guys - this is honest, and not "cheating".

But, if you lead him to believe that you are saving yourself for him, and you sleep around that is definitely "cheating". Regardless of any technical label to attach to your relationship, there is a mutual understanding that you are giving him a chance and saving yourself for him during this period. He expects it to be "special" when you finally sleep together, because of the anticipation and long wait - but you having sex with other guys during this period undermines that - its a mockery of him.

Kellydancer
06-15-2010, 07:40 PM
^ Its about honesty and integrity. If I tell a girl that I don't believe in monogamy and I am going to sleep around, this is honest (and its more honest if I tell her before she sleeps with me, rather than after). She may not like it, but I have not deceived her. Or, maybe she wants to sleep around, too, and readily accepts this. There is no deception involved here, so its not cheating.

In your situation, if you tell the guy - look, we're not in an exclusive serious relationship yet, so I am going to "date" other guys - this is honest, and not "cheating".

But, if you lead him to believe that you are saving yourself for him, and you sleep around that is definitely "cheating". Regardless of any technical label to attach to your relationship, there is a mutual understanding that you are giving him a chance and saving yourself for him during this period. He expects it to be "special" when you finally sleep together, because of the anticipation and long wait - but you having sex with other guys during this period undermines that - its a mockery of him.


That's a great explanation and I completely agree. Even though neither one of us are exclusive yet, we both know that is very likely once these issues settle themselves. He knows I am not interested in sleeping with other guys (though I have a few who would) and I know he's only interested in sleeping with me. I know I would consider casually dating other guys (as in just going out to events) but I wouldn't do this now because it wouldn't be fair to anyone involved (though would go out with platonic male friends). I wouldn't consider casually dating guys as cheating because there wouldn't be anything sexual going on, even kissing (which even that would be cheating in my book).

lopaw
06-15-2010, 08:17 PM
Have you tried open relationships?


I don't judge you on your rejection of monogamy, because I believe that this concept is purely a cultural construct. But, why not hook-up with a similarly minded girl (like PrincessJas and Mediocrity) and have an open and honest relationship? Why the need to deceive and destroy? Is it because (1) you don't think there are any women that can deal with an open relationship, or (2) you want her to be exclusive with you, i.e. a one-way monogamous relationship.


Unfortunately my wife is very monogamy-oriented. I never was, and she knew that when we met. We actually hooked up while I was engaged to a man (my life reads like a bad Lifetime movie of the week),so she knows that I was cheating even then. I was honest right from the get-go w/ her about my somewhat shady past. She's much more traditional in her views on relationships in general, and would never agree to an open relationship - I tried for years to get her to at least come with me to a SC, but she would have none of it. It's partly a cultural thing, and partly just who she is.

The honest truth is that I love her very much & would never leave her - I'm not looking for a new Mrs. Lopaw. But yet I still seek sex outside of our relationship. It's strictly physical with no strings attached. I'd be a fool to think that she's completely oblivious to my shenanigans - after all these years she just turns a blind eye to what she doesn't want to deal with - a sort of "don't ask, don't tell" arrangement.

I guess I equate this to the Sopranos/mafia setup of a mobster that loves his wife dearly, but still has to have his goomah's on the side. I just hope she doesn't offer to take me out on a fishing trip anytime soon.

mediocrity
06-16-2010, 02:28 AM
I don't judge you on your rejection of monogamy, because I believe that this concept is purely a cultural construct. But, why not hook-up with a similarly minded girl (like PrincessJas and Mediocrity) and have an open and honest relationship? Why the need to deceive and destroy? Is it because (1) you don't think there are any women that can deal with an open relationship, or (2) you want her to be exclusive with you, i.e. a one-way monogamous relationship.

I would never trust a cheater for anything. If I knew that a dude was cheating on his wife, I would not do business with him, because the chances are his selfishness and dishonesty extend beyond his romantic relationship. If he cheats on his wife, he probably cheats on his employer, business partners, and friends too.



Did you love the guys you cheated on at the time of the cheating event? My impression from reading this thread is that a lot of women cheat on BFs they hate, and therefore feel no remorse. Instead of leaving their asshole BFs, they cheat as a form of revenge. Instead of remorse, the feeling they get is probably the pride and joy of vindication or validation.

One I wanted to love but never did. So it was just a sense of boredom. Matter of fact I've never "revenge cheated". It's always just been kind of "ok you bore me... what else is in the pond?" I don't stick around with assholes. What's the point? Unless you count my husband but that's a whole other can of worms. ;)

justifymylove
06-17-2010, 08:30 PM
The honest truth is that I love her very much & would never leave her - I'm not looking for a new Mrs. Lopaw. But yet I still seek sex outside of our relationship. It's strictly physical with no strings attached. I'd be a fool to think that she's completely oblivious to my shenanigans - after all these years she just turns a blind eye to what she doesn't want to deal with - a sort of "don't ask, don't tell" arrangement.


This is an interesting explanation. I do believe you when you say you love your partner, but it still my view that an arrangement that only one of you explicitly knows about is not really an arrangement. Such is the complicated world of relationships, I suppose.

princessjas
06-18-2010, 07:59 AM
I've got to say I agree with jack here. I don't trust cheaters and don't associate myself with them. I figure if they are over 30 and still self-centered enough to be that deceitful then I don't want them anywhere near me (yep, I'm ageist as hell and don't surround myself with 20-somethings, there has always been mega-drama when I've tried it, even with those that are supposedly mature for their age). As I've said, if I'm in a monogamous relationship, then I don't put myself in positions where I'd even be tempted and don't really understand why anyone would. If we are open, I like a don't ask don't tell policy (unless of course one of us would start to get serious with someone, that is need to know info), but it's one that we have discussed, not an unspoken arrangement. In the case of lopaw though, that is tough. Her knowing you weren't into monogamy at the start but still insisting on it....loving someone like that would be very difficult and stressful I imagine.