View Full Version : would you date a man with children?
Kellydancer
05-30-2010, 10:02 AM
what do you all think of this instance concerning the kid thing?
this girl i knew "mariah". mariah always dreamed of marrying and having kids with her "first love". she was in her late 20s--wanted kids BAD, at times wished she was pregnant. mariah had dated her "first love" off 'n on for 6 yrs -- there were a few shortterm temperary breakups and one yr-long breakup somewhere in there -- but otherwise they were very tight. they were even living together for a lil over a yr. then they took another shortterm breakup...only a month later, her "first love" got another girl pregnant. she was devastated but her devastation was met only by mockery by the "first love" and pregnant new gf on a public website. however, only a few mos later when the new gf was still pregnant, she broke up with mariah's "first love" ex to be with someone else...so now the ex was single...and mariah crawled back to him! mariah stuck by him thru the rest of the pregnancy...then the baby was born and mariah was the one babysitting him for free on her sat nights while her "love" was out at dj gigs, posing for photos with hot chicks left 'n right. the whole time, mariah stifled any resentment she had about the situation...her guy did eventually propose to her and they were engaged, but the wedding date kept getting pushed back and then he dumped her...and even though he had a kid (and she didnt), he was STILL able to get a gf before she was able to find a bf!!
if u were mariah, would you have done that? i wouldnt. to my friends and i, mariah is a huge joke and we refer to her as a doormat...been doing this even before the baby scenario but the whole baby fiasco just takes the cake. what do u think?
That's messed up completely. I just can't imagine doing that for any guy. No way am I babysitting someone else's kid, nor would I go back to a guy like that. I'm not surprised though he had an easier time finding a gf. I've heard stories from male friends that they had harder time finding women than guys with kids. I don't get why some women actually think fathers are more appealing than childless. I've even seen this mindset on various dating forums.
kthnx
05-30-2010, 07:06 PM
That's messed up completely. I just can't imagine doing that for any guy. No way am I babysitting someone else's kid, nor would I go back to a guy like that. I'm not surprised though he had an easier time finding a gf. I've heard stories from male friends that they had harder time finding women than guys with kids. I don't get why some women actually think fathers are more appealing than childless. I've even seen this mindset on various dating forums.
i agree. and the worst parts about that story are probably:
1. she crawled back to him so soon after, he was still "pregnant"...so she had to deal with him having a baby WHILE SHE WAS DATING HIM
2. this was the "first love"/"love of her life" that she'd always dreamed of eventually having kids with...so go figure he goes and has his precious first child with somebody else who he'd known for a much shorter time
3. when they got back together, the guy never went back and deleted the mocking, insulting comments he and his "baby momma" had written about mariah on that website...the comments are still there today and one of many reminders of what an "idiot" mariah is for associating with people like that
it's bad enough to have a long relationship with a guy, break up for a WHILE (e.g., at least a few yrs), then get back together with him after he has a kid...but for the guy to have the baby while he's in a relationship with you?? why would she subject herself to that?? wtf?
in the end, mariah's "first love" dumped her (who didnt see that one coming? lol) and as a result kicked her out of his house. at age 29 she had to move back home with mommy and stepdaddy (and no she didnt have enough money of her own to get her own place). when she went back to his place to collect the rest of her stuff, she told him: "fuck you, you fat fuck; i want a guy without baggage [meaning his kid]." as a result, he got really mad and made sure he'd NEVER deal with her EVER again (which is probably a blessing in disguise for mariah). i can understand mariah's venting, but the timing for it was totally wrong. she should have said all that to him (mebbe without the profanities and personal attacks) long before, back when he wanted her to get back with him, or back when he first had the baby. by waiting so long to express how she felt, she came across all wrong and just wrecked everything even more. i see this girl as someone to NOT be like in MANY ways, not even just with this whole baby fiasco. ::)
Kellydancer
05-30-2010, 08:44 PM
And the sad thing is Mariah might repeat this pattern. I've seen so many women repeat where they go after these guys again and again. This is so sad on so many levels. I have to admit I also feel sorry for the baby too. She can do much better that this guy, hopefully she won't repeat it.
kthnx
05-31-2010, 08:07 AM
and yes, mariah HAS repeated her mistakes time and time again.
she is a total pushover - has gotten used for her money (and she doesnt make much), been in verbally and even some physically abusive relationships, etc. one time she lived with her bf and he moved his deadbeat relatives and their kids into their small apartment - they trashed the place, racked up bills, didnt pay a dime - and all these big bills were overdue and in mariah's name. she was bawling her eyes out about it one day, crying, "i have roommates ruining my credit AGAIN!" i was thinking, again?? u mean u didnt learn from this the 1st time? i had someone use me for money when i was much younger (like a teen) and it was one of the most humiliating experiences for me - i never talk about it, much less let anyone do the same thing to me ever again.
about the bf (her "first love") - thing is, i havent met him but apparintly he is a generally nice guy - the type who has a heart the size of texas from what others have told me. so if even HE disrespected mariah that badly, then she must have been a REALLY big pushover. u know how the sayings go - "you cant give respect to someone that doesnt respect herself" - and "when people see someone is a pushover, they tend to lose all respect for them".
i wouldnt be surprised if mariah DID eventually get bac together with this guy yrs down the line. or a guy who does the same thing her ex did...or even a guy who gets a girl pregnant but not during a short breakup stint, but from being unfaithful during the relationship. also, i bet at age 40+ mariah will still be childless but babbling bout how much she wants a lil baby girl.
edit: another story. just heard a story bout this woman who's 49 and a childless stepmom, friends with my aunt. she was never able to have kids of her own. she married a widow with kids from his previous marriage and the kids treat her terribly. she got badly injured in a terrible car accident and was rewarded $50,000 - all extorted and stolen by the older stepchild. the husband is verbally abusive to her. she gets the worst of both worlds. she's considering divorce and never talking to any of them again but she cant afford a lawyer or even her own place to live rite now becuz she's still disabled from her accident, which means shes currently not working and waiting for her disability payments to start soon - geez that $50,000 woulda come in handy right about now, wouldnt it? she's trying to pursue charges against the stepson for stealing her money but its hard to find a good lawyer for cheap. everyone constantly feels sorry for her.
anyway - hope this doesnt count as threadjacking - i think my posts about mariah speak volumes bout how i feel bout this issue. i agree with everyone who said they'd want their 1st time to be with a guy who's also goin thru everythign for the 1st time. i also agree that theres alotta exces baggage with a guy who has a kid, and a perminent lin to his ex. i also agree that bein a childless "stepmom" when u wish u had kids of ur own sucks a big donkey. theres a site http://childlessstepmoms.org/content/view/2/26 that sites all the reasons why that kinda situation sux so darn much.
princessjas
05-31-2010, 08:41 AM
When I was in my 20's and single it was a definite no. My reasoning was, I didn't want to be second and didn't like children, yet I would not tolerate a man that put anyone (even me) before his own children. That would be a MAJOR character flaw and I've never dated dipshits or men of weak, selfish character.
Now, I would actually prefer a man with children. I have children and no one will ever come before them and a single father would understand this best. Plus, I find that it's easy for me to bond with others that have children. Similar lifestyles, interests etc.
Kellydancer
05-31-2010, 01:09 PM
and yes, mariah HAS repeated her mistakes time and time again.
she is a total pushover - has gotten used for her money (and she doesnt make much), been in verbally and even some physically abusive relationships, etc. one time she lived with her bf and he moved his deadbeat relatives and their kids into their small apartment - they trashed the place, racked up bills, didnt pay a dime - and all these big bills were overdue and in mariah's name. she was bawling her eyes out about it one day, crying, "i have roommates ruining my credit AGAIN!" i was thinking, again?? u mean u didnt learn from this the 1st time? i had someone use me for money when i was much younger (like a teen) and it was one of the most humiliating experiences for me - i never talk about it, much less let anyone do the same thing to me ever again.
about the bf (her "first love") - thing is, i havent met him but apparintly he is a generally nice guy - the type who has a heart the size of texas from what others have told me. so if even HE disrespected mariah that badly, then she must have been a REALLY big pushover. u know how the sayings go - "you cant give respect to someone that doesnt respect herself" - and "when people see someone is a pushover, they tend to lose all respect for them".
i wouldnt be surprised if mariah DID eventually get bac together with this guy yrs down the line. or a guy who does the same thing her ex did...or even a guy who gets a girl pregnant but not during a short breakup stint, but from being unfaithful during the relationship. also, i bet at age 40+ mariah will still be childless but babbling bout how much she wants a lil baby girl.
edit: another story. just heard a story bout this woman who's 49 and a childless stepmom, friends with my aunt. she was never able to have kids of her own. she married a widow with kids from his previous marriage and the kids treat her terribly. she got badly injured in a terrible car accident and was rewarded $50,000 - all extorted and stolen by the older stepchild. the husband is verbally abusive to her. she gets the worst of both worlds. she's considering divorce and never talking to any of them again but she cant afford a lawyer or even her own place to live rite now becuz she's still disabled from her accident, which means shes currently not working and waiting for her disability payments to start soon - geez that $50,000 woulda come in handy right about now, wouldnt it? she's trying to pursue charges against the stepson for stealing her money but its hard to find a good lawyer for cheap. everyone constantly feels sorry for her.
anyway - hope this doesnt count as threadjacking - i think my posts about mariah speak volumes bout how i feel bout this issue. i agree with everyone who said they'd want their 1st time to be with a guy who's also goin thru everythign for the 1st time. i also agree that theres alotta exces baggage with a guy who has a kid, and a perminent lin to his ex. i also agree that bein a childless "stepmom" when u wish u had kids of ur own sucks a big donkey. theres a site http://childlessstepmoms.org/content/view/2/26 that sites all the reasons why that kinda situation sux so darn much.
I'm browsing that site now, and it definitely backs up why marrying a guy with children is a terrible situation. I've heard so many stories of career women who married guys with kids, and had to give up their standards of living to support stepkids and sometimes even the former ex. Pretty creepy situation. That woman who's 49 really got used. The sad thing is she'll probably not get all he used. Was she one of those women who felt they just had to marry anyone? I know several women who get older and feel they must marry any guy. While I'd like to eventually marry (never wanted to before which is why I'm still single) I'd rather be alone than settle for any guy with kids. Many women think they need to settle for a guy with kids, not realizing that everyone is getting married later and there still are guys without kids even much later in life. It's not like it was where everyone married young. Even if a woman can't find a guy without kids, there's nothing wrong with not marrying just to marry.
Mariah is a pretty sad situation on many levels. She sounds like she could benefit from some form of counseling. I know in my life, I got screwed over twice (once by my now former best friend and an ex) financially and never again. She will probably get screwed over again and unless she gets her act together, she will likely be forever alone and question why she's still single.
ivygirl
05-31-2010, 01:11 PM
I accidently called my ex boyfriends daughter ugly...he has a picture of her on his arm, now he's gorgeous, built, tan, shes short fat and glasses, i said to the tattoo "ew" totally not on purpose though :X
BabyMolly77
06-08-2010, 07:08 PM
I would not recommend it. My boyfriend has a four-year-old son (in addition to the baby we have together). Kid makes my blood boil. He throws temper tantrums like nobody's business, sucks his thumb, whines, and exhibits a great deal of other behaviors that grate on my nerves. He doesn't listen to me, he takes food out of the fridge, mashes it up and refuses to eat it. Ugh! I left the baby on our bed for 2 seconds the other day and caught him poking him with a toy plastic knife!
We have him 2 days a week and it's to the point where I will find any excuse to take our baby and get away from him! Not just because he's annoying, but also because I'm worried our son will pick up his nasty habits.
I find myself resenting this child, since I feel like we could be a happy little family if he weren't here. Like others mentioned, I was/am jealous that my boyfriend had done the whole pregnancy/delivery/baby thing with another woman. I feel like we could never get married (and I would have liked to one day), since I wouldn't want to risk putting any of my hard-earned $$ in his money-hungry ex's pocket.
As if all this wasn't bad enough, well, money-hungry is probably his ex's BEST quality! She is a neglectful parent (has had children's aid called on her repeatedly, will dump their kid on anyone who will take him), slut (was pregnant by another man when their son was 11 months old, their son says he sees a new man naked in bed with her once a week), over 30 years old and no education or job to speak of.
So ladies, learn from my experience and don't date a man with kids. No matter how "clean" or whatnot the situation may appear, there is inevitably drama and baggage around the corner...
Kellydancer
06-08-2010, 08:13 PM
I would not recommend it. My boyfriend has a four-year-old son (in addition to the baby we have together). Kid makes my blood boil. He throws temper tantrums like nobody's business, sucks his thumb, whines, and exhibits a great deal of other behaviors that grate on my nerves. He doesn't listen to me, he takes food out of the fridge, mashes it up and refuses to eat it. Ugh! I left the baby on our bed for 2 seconds the other day and caught him poking him with a toy plastic knife!
We have him 2 days a week and it's to the point where I will find any excuse to take our baby and get away from him! Not just because he's annoying, but also because I'm worried our son will pick up his nasty habits.
I find myself resenting this child, since I feel like we could be a happy little family if he weren't here. Like others mentioned, I was/am jealous that my boyfriend had done the whole pregnancy/delivery/baby thing with another woman. I feel like we could never get married (and I would have liked to one day), since I wouldn't want to risk putting any of my hard-earned $$ in his money-hungry ex's pocket.
As if all this wasn't bad enough, well, money-hungry is probably his ex's BEST quality! She is a neglectful parent (has had children's aid called on her repeatedly, will dump their kid on anyone who will take him), slut (was pregnant by another man when their son was 11 months old, their son says he sees a new man naked in bed with her once a week), over 30 years old and no education or job to speak of.
So ladies, learn from my experience and don't date a man with kids. No matter how "clean" or whatnot the situation may appear, there is inevitably drama and baggage around the corner...
That sounds terrible. I was lurking on another site and this woman was asking for advice about this guy she was dating. She wanted to date and marry him but he already had a kid and couldn't afford another. There's another problem. You don't mention if you wanted to marry him or if he was previously married, but anytime I meet a guy with kids from a woman never his wife, my antenna goes up high. My experience has been that any guy who has kids without being married will do the same to any woman. I've seen that happen so many times. I know there are exceptions to the rule, but these are very rare.
JRdancer
06-09-2010, 12:31 AM
I'm open to someone who has been divorced but never had kids. College age or older might be an exception. I don't want to feel like I'm in his life because he needs a mother for the kids he had with someone else. If I was totally crazy about someone, maybe I'd change my mind, but not likely.
Once a guy asked me if I had any children and said it would be a deal breaker for him if I did, not because of the kids (he likes children) but because he'd always be connected to the baby's father and he didn't want that. I don't have kids but I thought that was a classy way to say it on his part.
1) Financially. I dated a few guys who had kids and they were always broke because the exes took all their money. Luckily, these were casual things (one was a FWB really) because otherwise I would have been mad. Plus, sometimes the ex can go ask for more money because the new wife makes good money. This happened to someone I know. I know I'd be livid not being able to buy something because ex got the money.
This would bother me too.
Kellydancer
06-09-2010, 12:39 PM
I'm open to someone who has been divorced but never had kids. College age or older might be an exception. I don't want to feel like I'm in his life because he needs a mother for the kids he had with someone else. If I was totally crazy about someone, maybe I'd change my mind, but not likely.
Once a guy asked me if I had any children and said it would be a deal breaker for him if I did, not because of the kids (he likes children) but because he'd always be connected to the baby's father and he didn't want that. I don't have kids but I thought that was a classy way to say it on his part.
This would bother me too.
I think it was good that he brought it up right away. I always do too. Literally, when I first meet a guy, one of the first things I ask is if he has kids. If he does, then I keep the chat at a friendship only. When I did online dating I ask online, then again when I met them. I've actually had guys who admitted on the first date that they had kids and not before because they thought it might turn me off. Actually, it turned me off that they lied right away.
The financial situation that my friend went through was a nightmare. I'm not sure how it was possible, but the ex went after her because she made more money and raised the standard of living on the guy. The ex was lazy and refused to work. I'm certainly not supporting an ex and would be in cases like this. Even if they don't technically go after the new wife's money, they go after the husband's and that means less money for his new family. There are many stories online of how the new wife started a business with the husband, and the ex going after money on this business. Sometimes the new wife owns the business completely and she's going after it. Scary stuff.
Someone on another site said I was being closeminded and that a single dad might be my soulmate. Um, no not possible. I wouldn't let a single dad even become my soulmate. I find it very hard to believe that my soulmate would be someone with an issue I consider a dealbreaker.
alexa111
06-09-2010, 05:15 PM
I could never date a man with kids..reasn 1 being that I REALLY can't stand children and have no idea how to act around them, 2. I don't want baby-momma drama!
Mindy Bares All
06-10-2010, 10:26 AM
I could never date a man with kids..reasn 1 being that I REALLY can't stand children and have no idea how to act around them, 2. I don't want baby-momma drama!
Oh, I know, right?!
My cousin (whom I love very dearly), started dating a guy with kids. Let's say I liked him better when I thought he didn't.
DesuvsDeath
06-12-2010, 11:49 AM
It depends on a lot of things.
Why things didn't work out with the mother... how involved the kids are in his life... is he done having kids?
I wouldn't mind that he already had kids... honestly... I'd rather have kids with someone who already knows what they're doing than some bumbling fool who might damage my precious child. >>;
The relationship with the ex/why it didn't work out would be more of my concern.
If he couldn't even make things work with the mother of his children...
_Avery_
06-12-2010, 11:54 AM
When my husband and I separated, I dated a guy with 2 kids. They were 3 and 4. My son is 2. It was okay at first, but I would never do it again.
I ended up becoming his live in babysitter.
I don't mind watching my OWN son, but his kids were brats.
Plus, I felt like it took time away from when I had my son. I wanted to give all my attention and focus just on my son, not share it with these two kids I hardly knew.
I like kids...in moderation. My son is the only kid I can handle full time. :P
kthnx
06-13-2010, 08:43 AM
another thing for the childless girls who want kids to consider: often its difficult to get a guy who already has kids to want to have kids with you. this is not always the case, but many times it is becuz a guy has enough responsibility to worry about as is without adding on more. reasons a guy with kids might be MORE hesitant to have kids with you than a guy w/o:
1. guy is already spending alot of $$ on his existing kids, child support, baby momma drama, etc and doesnt know if he can afford any more (or atleast doesnt want to spend any more in the kids department)
2. guy is already content with the kids he has. he doesnt have that rushed desperation to have kids since hes already accomplished that (then again i find the "rush or desperation" to have kids seems alot more common amongst females than males anyway)
3. guy never really wanted kids and the kids he has were unplanned, so its not a "mistake" he wants to repeat again (this especially holds true if the guy had a teen pregnancy and is still rather young)
4. guy dealt with enough baby momma drama from his first set of kids and is now jaded towards women, fearing that the next "baby momma" will be as much trouble as the first one was/is
5. perhaps the guy is older (e.g. 35-40+ yrs old) and feels "too old" to go thru the whole late nite feedings, toting spit towels, and diaper changings that a new baby requires...this is esp common if the guy's existing kids are older, e.g. preteens or teens, and he has already assumed that his bottle feeding days are long in the past
then again sometimes dating an older guy (35-40+ yrs old) WITHOUT kids can be an indicator that he doesnt want kids either, becuz if he's a good catch and still hasnt been snagged up yet mebbe its becuz its his choice to stay single, unmarried, and/or childless by choice. so it could go either way i guess. IMHO if u want a guy who wants to eventually get married and have kids, try lookin for a guy in his 20s who hasnt done either yet but talks about feeling ready for the next chapter in his life.
Kellydancer
06-13-2010, 01:29 PM
another thing for the childless girls who want kids to consider: often its difficult to get a guy who already has kids to want to have kids with you. this is not always the case, but many times it is becuz a guy has enough responsibility to worry about as is without adding on more. reasons a guy with kids might be MORE hesitant to have kids with you than a guy w/o:
1. guy is already spending alot of $$ on his existing kids, child support, baby momma drama, etc and doesnt know if he can afford any more (or atleast doesnt want to spend any more in the kids department)
2. guy is already content with the kids he has. he doesnt have that rushed desperation to have kids since hes already accomplished that (then again i find the "rush or desperation" to have kids seems alot more common amongst females than males anyway)
3. guy never really wanted kids and the kids he has were unplanned, so its not a "mistake" he wants to repeat again (this especially holds true if the guy had a teen pregnancy and is still rather young)
4. guy dealt with enough baby momma drama from his first set of kids and is now jaded towards women, fearing that the next "baby momma" will be as much trouble as the first one was/is
5. perhaps the guy is older (e.g. 35-40+ yrs old) and feels "too old" to go thru the whole late nite feedings, toting spit towels, and diaper changings that a new baby requires...this is esp common if the guy's existing kids are older, e.g. preteens or teens, and he has already assumed that his bottle feeding days are long in the past
then again sometimes dating an older guy (35-40+ yrs old) WITHOUT kids can be an indicator that he doesnt want kids either, becuz if he's a good catch and still hasnt been snagged up yet mebbe its becuz its his choice to stay single, unmarried, and/or childless by choice. so it could go either way i guess. IMHO if u want a guy who wants to eventually get married and have kids, try lookin for a guy in his 20s who hasnt done either yet but talks about feeling ready for the next chapter in his life.
In the case of the guys without kids, sometimes it depends. Maybe they never met the right woman or no money. In the case of the guy I am seeing, he's a never married no kids guy at 43. In the past he definitely wanted children but is a little mixed on this mostly financial and healthwise. I've told him that healthwise we aren't that much in danger of having retarded kids. Financially though neither one of us can afford it now. Hopefully we will be in better shape soon because we are getting older. He does love kids so that might be something that can be worked on (and he did admit it could happen). I know at 39 I am really hearing the clock and hope to have kids within 3-4 years. Him being a guy knows that he can have kids much later than me.
I know several women who were dating guys with kids and many of them were told by the guy he was done with baby things. Many also had a vasectomy. Most (not all) of the women I knew who wanted kids ended up leaving these guys because most were firm on not having kids. Compare this to several situations where kidless guys said they didn't want kids but changed their minds
kthnx
06-13-2010, 06:47 PM
In the case of the guys without kids, sometimes it depends. Maybe they never met the right woman or no money. In the case of the guy I am seeing, he's a never married no kids guy at 43. In the past he definitely wanted children but is a little mixed on this mostly financial and healthwise. I've told him that healthwise we aren't that much in danger of having retarded kids. Financially though neither one of us can afford it now. Hopefully we will be in better shape soon because we are getting older. He does love kids so that might be something that can be worked on (and he did admit it could happen). I know at 39 I am really hearing the clock and hope to have kids within 3-4 years. Him being a guy knows that he can have kids much later than me.
true, and that is why my theory applies to most but not all. glad to hear you were able to find a guy who still wants kids at that age.
I know several women who were dating guys with kids and many of them were told by the guy he was done with baby things. Many also had a vasectomy. Most (not all) of the women I knew who wanted kids ended up leaving these guys because most were firm on not having kids. Compare this to several situations where kidless guys said they didn't want kids but changed their minds
my point exactly...many guys who already have kids do NOT want to have kids with the new wife/gf. ive also seen this on dr phil, where a wife wanted kids really bad and the husband refused to reverse his vasdectomy, had kids from a previous marriage though...i felt realy bad for the poor childless wife.
so in conclusion, we agree that it would NOT be in a girl's best interest to date a man with children if she wants kids and doesnt have any of her own yet
rusdancer
06-17-2010, 07:28 AM
I've done this a few times,will NEVER do it again.Even after a few failed attempts,I tried again,I thought,every situation could be different;older kids are better;mother living far away,with the kid spending only summers with father is better,and so on,but no,it's about all the same.I also concluded that when the kid turns 18,child support doesn't really end,there is college to follow,then weddings to pay for,grandchildren,and so on,so the father very often will be broke for longer periods of time,or forever.The father will always feel guilty for the divorce and will for the rest of his life,try to make up for it,being extremely careful not to upset anyone for the fear the children won't like him.Sadly,many children learn how to manipulate that and are looking for handouts.The new wife will get in the way of this by "taking daddy away",so there will most always be resentment.The new wife will never come first,actually,never even second;basically most of the time,she's last on the list,but is expected to help,most of the time finacially.If she does have assets when entering such a marriage,yes,she CAN lose at least part of them to the first wife,even with a prenup.
Dealing with the ex-wife can also be a nightmare,because she will fell like you are imposing on her territory.Often,she will manipulate children to try to mess the new marriage up.There is something called PAS (Parental Alienation Syndrome).
Basically,it can be a conflict of sharing the same man with a few different people,worse,if it's all women,think,ex-wife,daughter,mother-in-law,new wife,and so on....Sadly,it's just too much drama,and I personally just cannot deal nor have any time to deal with!!
And after all this,comes:the man not wanting any more children with the new wife;the new wife not experiencing "firsts" with her new husband;children suffering,and so on...I've seen articles,where it said that the job of becoming a stepmother,especially a childless,is the hardest of all....
So,my personal opinion (and all my gfriends agree),is that's it's a bad idea for a childless successful woman to be involved with a man with kids.Could be much different for a single mother though.And could be much different for a man marrying a woman with kids,because it's easier to deal with an ex-husband than an ex-wife.I've been reading on this one forum where stepparenting is discussed,and there are real horror stories shared there.There WERE a couple of stories here and there about good situations,usually when the new couple BOTH had children from previous marriages/relationships,or had a child together,but they were hugely outnumbered by the other ones.
Having said that,I'm sure that there have been successful marriages of childless women to men with children,but I don't know of any,but wish luck for them to work out against all odds.
Kellydancer
06-17-2010, 12:21 PM
true, and that is why my theory applies to most but not all. glad to hear you were able to find a guy who still wants kids at that age.
my point exactly...many guys who already have kids do NOT want to have kids with the new wife/gf. ive also seen this on dr phil, where a wife wanted kids really bad and the husband refused to reverse his vasdectomy, had kids from a previous marriage though...i felt realy bad for the poor childless wife.
so in conclusion, we agree that it would NOT be in a girl's best interest to date a man with children if she wants kids and doesnt have any of her own yet
That's why I hope it works out with me and him. Right now he doesn't want kids (financial reasons) but talking to him I know this will change once I find another fulltime job (we talked about having either my parents or his watching the kids while we work). Otherwise it is very hard to find these guys. I've either seen the guys who already have kids or the guys who never want kids and are strict on this (had a vasectomy, hate kids etc). I too feel for these women who married guys with kids and found out they wouldn't change. I've seen on various dating forums that people were saying guys with kids were more likely to have more kids than childless men but I disagree. In my experience it's been the opposite.
Kellydancer
06-17-2010, 12:37 PM
I also wanted to mention I think it's wonderful there isn't anyone insulting those of us who don't want to date dads. Even those who dated/dated dads understand how we feel without judging. When I've seen this question posted on dating sites, people get so mad about it. Some will change their mind on this possibly, but others never will (I am 39 and will not budge).
carmen_b
06-17-2010, 01:02 PM
My guy with kids is a sweet heart. Even though he treats me like gold, the problems of only having access to him kid free two weekend a month are becoming too much. I don't see him enough and I can see that we are probably going to wrap it up soon. ;(
It's caused my head to spin as well. Not getting pregnant was about the biggest goal I had throughout my 20's. I'm just terrified of pregnancy and the responsibility involved of having kids. I really have a hard time around children to be honest. I'm bored and not interested in all things kid related. I'm 30 and keep hoping my biological clock will kick in and it just hasn't.
Kellydancer
06-17-2010, 01:07 PM
My biological clock at 30 wasn't ticking loud at all. In fact in my early 30's I considered getting my tubes tied. In the last year or so it has been ticking louder and I hope to have a child with the guy I love, but probably not for 2-3 years. Hopefully by then we well be married and financially secure. If not, then maybe I'll adopt instead.
kthnx
06-18-2010, 01:36 PM
I've seen on various dating forums that people were saying guys with kids were more likely to have more kids than childless men but I disagree. In my experience it's been the opposite.
i agree 100000%. for all the reasons i already stated in my earlier, very long post on this thread: guy already "got his fill"/experienced having enough kids, guy is financially stretched supporting the kids he has, guy wants to avoid more potential Baby Momma Drama by adding on a new baby mom,etc.
so yea i doubted my friend "mariah" and her ex were ever gonna work out in the long term, but as soon as her man got that other girl pregnant, at that point i KNEW mariah would never ever get to have kids with that guy ever. and sure enough, 1yr after baby was born he dumped her and kicked her out, sending her to move back home with mommy and stepdaddy like the little girl she still is at 29 yrs old.
JRdancer
06-20-2010, 02:06 PM
I thought,every situation could be different;older kids are better;mother living far away,with the kid spending only summers with father is better,and so on,but no,it's about all the same.I also concluded that when the kid turns 18,child support doesn't really end,there is college to follow,then weddings to pay for,grandchildren,and so on,so the father very often will be broke for longer periods of time,or forever.The father will always feel guilty for the divorce and will for the rest of his life,try to make up for it,being extremely careful not to upset anyone for the fear the children won't like him.
Now I'm pretty certain I would only date a dad whose kid has made it through college.
Having said that,I'm sure that there have been successful marriages of childless women to men with children,but I don't know of any,but wish luck for them to work out against all odds.
If the finances aren't an issue do they tend to be more successful? It probably depends on what the woman's expectations are, like if she really realizes what she's in for.
JoJoX
06-23-2010, 09:22 AM
i would. because i do not want any of my own...i mean, i dont mind parenting but the whole pregnancy thing grosses me out- im not saying pregnant women are gross but the thought of a human growing inside of me and climbing out of my vagina gives me the shivers. plus id like to avoid the raisin stomach and strech marks. call me vain but i love my body just the way it is and do not want anything tampering with it...unless its a pretty tattoo.
Harleigh HellKat
06-23-2010, 12:52 PM
A friend of my boyfriend's came over the other day. Her kid was climbing all over the side of her car. This is why I don't want kids.
carmen_b
06-23-2010, 11:51 PM
^ stuff like this irks me if parents don't correct.
We were raised strictly. More lax parenting is hard for me to watch too.
Harleigh HellKat
06-24-2010, 12:39 AM
Both my boyfriend and I agreed that one day we want nice things. Usually when people have kids(especially when they don't discipline them....), those nice things don't last long. That, combined with the whole diaper changing thing... no thanks.
wanderlust08
06-24-2010, 12:50 AM
I would date a guy with kids, but they'd have to be at least 8 years or older.
The reason being that I already have a 4 and a 5 year old and that many lower-elementary/preschool kids running around would drive me absolutely insane.
And it'd be like...two kids, max.
I saw an ad on craigslist today written by a woman in her 30's, who was actually very pretty, petite and all that, but she had five kids and it was the first sentence in her ad. I thought,"Oh honey you are SCREWED!"
Kellydancer
06-24-2010, 11:35 AM
I hate bratty kids and I blame the parents. I was in a restaurant far too many times where these kids were running around the restaurant and the parents did nothing. Another time I was on the train and these two boys were screaming and running down the aisle. At the same time there was a little girl who was engrossed in her book (I think it was an American Girl book judging by her packages) who was quiet. Many people complimented her mother on the girl being good. Any children I have will be disciplined. They will not be brats. I was disciplined when I was a kid, so my kids will be as well.
tempest666
09-15-2010, 01:07 PM
:( Just finished reading it and the one point that EVERYONE has brought up is the whole jealousy of his previous relationship. Yes, it kills me to know that he has had kids with someone else. :(
Kellydancer
09-15-2010, 01:12 PM
:( Just finished reading it and the one point that EVERYONE has brought up is the whole jealousy of his previous relationship. Yes, it kills me to know that he has had kids with someone else. :(
I would be very jealous if a guy had kids with someone else. I admit I am even jealous when a guy has a previous relationship (which makes me a hypocrite because I've had relationships) but the kid one I could never bend on. I could possibly even bend if a guy was married (depending on the circumstances) but kids? nope.
charlie61
09-15-2010, 02:40 PM
I'm not a jealous person at all (hello, non-monogamy!), but I have serious issues with the fact that my SO has two children.
On a purely genetic level, this is not okay with me. Like, my SO's genetic material is joined with another woman's in these two children. Not Cool.
Kellydancer
09-15-2010, 02:50 PM
I once had someone say that I wouldn't date dads because it was "proof" he had sex with someone else. No, that's not that at all because I'd assume most guys at my age weren't virgins (I really would wonder if I met a real 40 year old virgin). If a guy lived with a woman I'd assume they had sex (I lived with two guys). I'd assume if they dated for years they also had sex. So I really don't need "proof" he had sex, I'd assume he did. My reasons for never dating dads have been posted a lot in this thread. I'm glad actually this was posted in Ladies Only because I can see some of the guys saying how wrong those of us are who don't date dads.
carmen_b
09-15-2010, 04:25 PM
In my case it wasn't the jealousy so much , but the fact that his daughter took so much resources and time ( which she should ! ). I rarely work more tha 40 hours a week ( I already put my years of 55 hour weeks in ! ) at this point in my life and I just wanted to enjoy my life. Things that I enjoy ( little 2-3 road trips ) , meals out , leisurely days doing " activities " at home all day ..... well those were out because first we had to narrow down which weekends he even had free ( two a month at first ) .... then he started having them every weekend for some reason ( I think the reason turned out to be that the ex dropped them and he didn't have the backbone to stay no or just genuinely felt bad / didn't have resources for babysitter ). Man .... it was a fucking disaster. I was totally mislead ( he said " I have then two weekend out of the month ") either because he mislead me on purpose or because things just so happened to get disorganized when I came around. I don't really care 'cause I couldn't take it and bailed. I was also stressed out the entire time that I'd have to do "kid" activities as some near point ( we dated 3-4 months, I never met her other than like two minutes ).
Kellydancer
09-15-2010, 08:44 PM
In my case it wasn't the jealousy so much , but the fact that his daughter took so much resources and time ( which she should ! ). I rarely work more tha 40 hours a week ( I already put my years of 55 hour weeks in ! ) at this point in my life and I just wanted to enjoy my life. Things that I enjoy ( little 2-3 road trips ) , meals out , leisurely days doing " activities " at home all day ..... well those were out because first we had to narrow down which weekends he even had free ( two a month at first ) .... then he started having them every weekend for some reason ( I think the reason turned out to be that the ex dropped them and he didn't have the backbone to stay no or just genuinely felt bad / didn't have resources for babysitter ). Man .... it was a fucking disaster. I was totally mislead ( he said " I have then two weekend out of the month ") either because he mislead me on purpose or because things just so happened to get disorganized when I came around. I don't really care 'cause I couldn't take it and bailed. I was also stressed out the entire time that I'd have to do "kid" activities as some near point ( we dated 3-4 months, I never met her other than like two minutes ).
The kid should come first, but it's a strain on dating, especially if you don't have kids. I once dated a guy who had kids and often had to cancel dates or bring his kids along and we had to do kid things. While I am young at heart, playing mommy to kids not my own isn't fun. He ended up going back to his ex. My strong anti dads stance comes from both my personal experience and others. I can't budge.
Tonight, my mom said I was being picky because I don't date dads. I had to show her stories of how people got stung by dating parents. She then brought up her godchild and how she's married to a man with kids. I had to tell her that her godchild has kids herself and parents can deal with other parents.
Kisca
09-17-2010, 03:06 AM
I hate bratty kids and I blame the parents. I was in a restaurant far too many times where these kids were running around the restaurant and the parents did nothing. Another time I was on the train and these two boys were screaming and running down the aisle. At the same time there was a little girl who was engrossed in her book (I think it was an American Girl book judging by her packages) who was quiet. Many people complimented her mother on the girl being good. Any children I have will be disciplined. They will not be brats. I was disciplined when I was a kid, so my kids will be as well.
100%. I will NEVER date a guy w/ kids. I dont care how great we are.. no no no .. Too much actions to take.. its a diffirent path if the guy was single. With kids.. oh no.. too much. If I ever have kids, i want them to be MY 50% of me and my other half. Other than that.. i know my parenting is strict and "proper" in my eyes. Another reason w/ dealing with a guy who has kids.. they may disaprove of your skills, since its "their" children and they have the say. if my kid is mishaving, i will take their hand and pull them along --some may say thats absuive.. Nice parents skills we have these days. I know my kids wont be dropped outs, and if they do choose to do that - they better be Bill Gates.
Kellydancer
09-17-2010, 10:35 AM
100%. I will NEVER date a guy w/ kids. I dont care how great we are.. no no no .. Too much actions to take.. its a diffirent path if the guy was single. With kids.. oh no.. too much. If I ever have kids, i want them to be MY 50% of me and my other half. Other than that.. i know my parenting is strict and "proper" in my eyes. Another reason w/ dealing with a guy who has kids.. they may disaprove of your skills, since its "their" children and they have the say. if my kid is mishaving, i will take their hand and pull them along --some may say thats absuive.. Nice parents skills we have these days. I know my kids wont be dropped outs, and if they do choose to do that - they better be Bill Gates.
I will be a somewhat strict parent myself and think there's no excuse for kids being brats. I've noticed that most of the guys I've known with kids spoiled them because they didn't see them all the time. One guy I went out with once because he brought his daughter and she was getting into things. If I had gotten serious with him I can't discipline her, yet would be expected to possibly help raise her. I know if I have my own kids I would raise them a lot better than most people today. I know many stories of stepparents complaining because they are expected to babysit the kids but can't discipline the kids. If I had a stepkid and they broke something, they would be punished just as if they were my kids. Of course because they aren't my kids I could get in trouble with the parents for punishing them (not saying hitting them, just punishing in general).
georgia_peach
09-17-2010, 12:27 PM
I tried it once. But knowing her kids made me realize that she wasn't a responsible mother, and her not being responsible turned her kids into brats. I grew up in a very strict home, so being around bad parents who don't discipline their kids irks me. The relationship didn't last very long. And I'm not really eager to do it again. The only kids I want in my life are my future ones.
Kellydancer
09-17-2010, 12:46 PM
I tried it once. But knowing her kids made me realize that she wasn't a responsible mother, and her not being responsible turned her kids into brats. I grew up in a very strict home, so being around bad parents who don't discipline their kids irks me. The relationship didn't last very long. And I'm not really eager to do it again. The only kids I want in my life are my future ones.
I would agree, except I have kids in my life, but not boyfriend's kids. More like my niece, and friends who have kids. But, yeah I get what you're saying. Most of my boyfriends dated women with kids and some could deal, but others didn't like it. One guy was afraid he'd get stuck paying child support if they got married and then divorced.
ETA: One thing I've noticed are guys who want kids (or at least keep the option open) are thrilled to find women without kids. Apparently, there are far more mothers after a certain age than fathers. I've gotten so many comments about this. One guy said his family called him irresponsible because he didn't want to be a stepdad.
georgia_peach
09-17-2010, 01:04 PM
I would agree, except I have kids in my life, but not boyfriend's kids. More like my niece, and friends who have kids. But, yeah I get what you're saying. Most of my boyfriends dated women with kids and some could deal, but others didn't like it. One guy was afraid he'd get stuck paying child support if they got married and then divorced.:D
I meant more along the lines of kids who would be a big part of my life and I'd be a big part of their life. I get along with my friend's kids and my baby cousins, but I don't consider them to be a large part of my life as I'm not seeing them all the time and possibly taking care of them.
Kellydancer
09-17-2010, 01:42 PM
I meant more along the lines of kids who would be a big part of my life and I'd be a big part of their life. I get along with my friend's kids and my baby cousins, but I don't consider them to be a large part of my life as I'm not seeing them all the time and possibly taking care of them.
That makes sense. I adore my niece but won't be taking care of her all that much. I don't think I could even handle living with a kid if it's not mine or related to me. Not that I don't like kids, I just hate brats and far too many are brats. Plus, the idea of babysitting some guy's spawn makes me sick. I can just see it now, babysitting a stepkid, spending money, then having him leave me. Yeah right.
KaylaM
09-17-2010, 01:42 PM
I have and I wouldn't do it again.
Vyanka
09-17-2010, 09:18 PM
No, fuck no. Not in my 20's/30's where I still have a chance to get married and have my own kids. I don't want that type of bagagge. Says a lot about a man who leaves his wife and kid(s)... I cannot. Uh uh.
Now if I am in my 40's & not married yet and shit, then I guess I can't be picky then. LOL. Lets say IF I did then...he will NOT be your typical irresponsible deadbeat, got tired of the family, can't commit & decided to leave for selfish shallow reasons.
Kellydancer
09-17-2010, 09:34 PM
No, fuck no. Not in my 20's/30's where I still have a chance to get married and have my own kids. I don't want that type of bagagge. Says a lot about a man who leaves his wife and kid(s)... I cannot. Uh uh.
Now if I am in my 40's & not married yet and shit, then I guess I can't be picky then. LOL. Lets say IF I did then...he will NOT be your typical irresponsible deadbeat, got tired of the family, can't commit & decided to leave for selfish shallow reasons.
I am going to turn 40 in January and am TERRIFIED that all I'll find will be single dads. I know there are still single guys even into the early 40's, but finding them is hard.
Rockette
09-18-2010, 02:02 PM
It depends on the situation. If he was just a "baby daddy" there is no way in hell I would put myself through anything remotely close to that. Never know what he could try with me as well... I don't know if I ever really want to have kids.
missplayful
09-18-2010, 03:35 PM
I Dated with an Army guy during 1 year who had a boy. I was fine and i would be fine dating with people who have kid. I am married right now he doesnt have kids and i never had one however i could have no problem with gettin married someone have kids or not.
My parents divorced when i was 10. Mother never married my father married 2 times. I had to deal 2 times with witchy stepmothers.All of them were really cruel and i hated all of them.Even i visited last time to my father we had fight again even though i am 25 right now. last 15 years i cried many times my heart broken or felt like a stupid and outsider because of stepmothers.
Anyways i woudnt like to be one of my stepmothers to anybody's children . I know how it hurts when a step parent treats step kids in a bad way.I always tried to be nice and sweet to my ex bf's lil boy. i DID not want to make him feel like what i had to experinced before.I know it could destroy his lil life and he would probably hate any possible step parents or girlfriends.By the way never was jelious about my boyfriend's kids i f they had. There is no reason to be.They had life before me and a kid woudnt be problem.People with kids deserve to have relationships too.Being single parent doesnt mean they deserve endless desolation.
If i love a man really it doesnt matter what he had before me or what he did before me.
Kellydancer
09-18-2010, 03:51 PM
I hate baby daddy situations. I think those guys are disgusting and wouldn't even be my friends. I dont associate with scum and that's what they are.
Sure, everyone deserves a relationship, but parents really should date other parents because they get it. I'm so sick of people (especially men) who refuse to date single parents, though they are single parents themselves. I'm also tired of people saying people like me are being picky because we don't date single parents. I wouldn't be mean to the kids but don't want to deal with it.
missplayful
09-18-2010, 05:26 PM
As a women it seems like if i become a single parent in future nobody even wanna date with me again lol:P By the way this is not right way to put some restriction to relationship.People can not decide who can they love. Of course anyone wants perfect for theirselves thats right but sometimes it doesnt work. Single parents may not like another single parents or any single women due to lots of reasons.U can think u really never ever wanna be with any single parents or hispanic man or anyone heavily tattoted or etc anyone doesnt fit your criterias... it happens sometimes...