View Full Version : I am confused what I should do
Elvia
09-27-2010, 03:28 PM
Thanks. I hope he does, but if not, then I'll keep looking.
And how long are you willing to wait for these changes to magically happen? Has he acknowledged these problems? Is he going to therapy every week to deal with it? What is he doing to get to this place you want him to get to?
If he's not doing anything to try to change, or doing very little...then yes, I'd say that that is evidence that he's not into you enough.
Kellydancer
09-27-2010, 08:26 PM
And how long are you willing to wait for these changes to magically happen? Has he acknowledged these problems? Is he going to therapy every week to deal with it? What is he doing to get to this place you want him to get to?
If he's not doing anything to try to change, or doing very little...then yes, I'd say that that is evidence that he's not into you enough.
He's going to counseling because he knows he has a problem.
Promnesiac
09-27-2010, 08:52 PM
Is the issue that he's paralytically afraid of relationships? I'm not being sarcastic -- it seems like that is a valid thing and something that could be solved.
Are you close to his mom? I wonder if she has any insight. Sorry if you've already answered this question, btw. I have a notoriously bad memory. :)
Kellydancer
09-27-2010, 09:18 PM
Is the issue that he's paralytically afraid of relationships? I'm not being sarcastic -- it seems like that is a valid thing and something that could be solved.
Are you close to his mom? I wonder if she has any insight. Sorry if you've already answered this question, btw. I have a notoriously bad memory. :)
He never had a problem before, in fact several years ago he wanted to marry and have kids (he still does and finally admitted this to me awhile back). A couple of years ago he got stung bad by a woman he met online. He was desperate to marry, moved to another state without having met her, and she scammed him. So he moved back vowing he'd never get involved with anyone again. There's more to it, but that's the idea.
No, I'm not close to his mom, but I think she's part of the problem as well. She's pressuring him to get married. I've even told him I'm not thinking like that right away (I don't mention to him I want to within a few years) because of my job situation.
Promnesiac
09-27-2010, 09:21 PM
He never had a problem before, in fact several years ago he wanted to marry and have kids (he still does and finally admitted this to me awhile back). A couple of years ago he got stung bad by a woman he met online. He was desperate to marry, moved to another state without having met her, and she scammed him. So he moved back vowing he'd never get involved with anyone again. There's more to it, but that's the idea.
No, I'm not close to his mom, but I think she's part of the problem as well. She's pressuring him to get married. I've even told him I'm not thinking like that right away (I don't mention to him I want to within a few years) because of my job situation.
Oof -- so he's caught between fear of getting hurt again and the sort of natural resistance when you're pressured into something by a parent. That's tough. I think it would be so much easier if he could live on his own and figure thing out without being under the emotional thumb (whether she's nice or not) of his mom.
Kellydancer
09-27-2010, 09:26 PM
The problem is right now he can't afford to live on his own. My hope is that when I do get a job he'll want to move in with me, even as friends for now. I have a feeling that might help him because he needs to get away from his mom.
Promnesiac
09-27-2010, 09:28 PM
The problem is right now he can't afford to live on his own. My hope is that when I do get a job he'll want to move in with me, even as friends for now. I have a feeling that might help him because he needs to get away from his mom.
I really hope that works out. And I hope you find a great job SOON! It's enormously stressful to deal with that on top of everything.
Kellydancer
09-27-2010, 09:32 PM
I really hope that works out. And I hope you find a great job SOON! It's enormously stressful to deal with that on top of everything.
Thanks. Yes it's hard dealing with both, which is why I'm trying to push this on the backburner (easier said than done). I have a feeling that once I move by him (not because of him, been planning to move back by him before we reconnected) things will get better. Of course by then if they don't, then I can move on and one less stressful thing to deal with.
Tasha_xoxo
09-27-2010, 10:00 PM
iv never signed up on any dating site before,,
but i did meet a guy on yahoo last year,,
hes the most amazing guy iv ever met,,
hes nice,,sweet,,smart,,cute,,everything in the book.
im like in love with this guy.
BUT he is married,,
im stupid to wish hed leave his wife for me.
What's the harm in contacting this other guy?
He may be a total dud in person... or he may turn out to be so wonderful you forget all about Flakey... there's no harm in trying either way.
It's not like by contacting this guy you're agreeing to get married and start a family asap! The good thing about dating... is you can stop doing it at any point! If you go on a few dates... and you're still longing for this other guy, or he's not as perfect a match as he sounded... you don't have to keep seeing him. You can find someone new, or keep working on trying to get Flakey to come around.
If this Flakey isn't willing to commit or give you an answer yet, you shouldn't waste your time waiting and hoping. He might say no in three months, and by then, you've blown your shot at meeting this other guy who could be great!
shes right theres no harm in meeting someone new,,
try him out if you dont like him,,another get together isnt mandatory,,
i wouldnt wait around for Flakey either,,
i feel like if hes making you wait for an answer,,
he'll make you wait around all the time for everything.
i get he probably needed time to think about it,,but if he really loved you
or had strong feelings for you,,and hes making you wait for an answer then he probably doesnt care as much as he makes it seem.
just go out girl have some fun,,
instead of waitin around for him to make his decision,,time is precious.
Elvia
09-28-2010, 02:26 PM
Kelly, it sounds like you want people to reassure you that this guy will come around. The fact is, he might not. In fact, it's extremely likely. You want to get married, and soon. You could easily spend the next 5 years waiting for this guy. And the sad truth is, after that time, dating is only going to get more and more difficult, prospects are only going to get more and more limited. If you're really going to wait for this guy to turn into the man you want him to be, you need to decide exactly how long you are willing to wait, and stick with it. Otherwise, you could easily waste your life on this guy.
Kellydancer
09-28-2010, 02:43 PM
Kelly, it sounds like you want people to reassure you that this guy will come around. The fact is, he might not. In fact, it's extremely likely. You want to get married, and soon. You could easily spend the next 5 years waiting for this guy. And the sad truth is, after that time, dating is only going to get more and more difficult, prospects are only going to get more and more limited. If you're really going to wait for this guy to turn into the man you want him to be, you need to decide exactly how long you are willing to wait, and stick with it. Otherwise, you could easily waste your life on this guy.
My original question was about the guy I emailed, and he never emailed me back. I am keeping my prospects open, but right now there isn't much I can do because I live in an area full of divorced dads and am looking for a job. Once I get a job and move from here then things will change. As for waiting, I'm giving until I find a job (hopefully that will be soon). I don't want to get married in the very near future, more like 2-3 years.
Elvia
09-28-2010, 02:53 PM
^^^ When you really think about, 2-3 years isn't a very long time considering you will have to spend quite a bit of time getting to know someone before you can know if they're marriage material. If you really want to get married that soon, I don't see how likely that's going to be if you're putting off dating indefinitely. I think you should forget about flakey and tell him that you're going to focus on other people, and that he can give you a call down the road when he's dealt with his issues and is ready to be a real boyfriend. The two of you can see where you are then. As it is now, he knows that you're going to keep carrying a torch for him no matter how crappy a partner he is. So there's not a lot of incentive for him to get his shit together. People don't tend to put the effort into making serious changes when they know their bad behavior is always going to be tolerated.
jack0177057
09-28-2010, 02:57 PM
Let me start by stating how much I hate online dating. I've never had any luck with it because I met too many liars, con artists and married men. Not to mention all the guys looking for sex. Several months ago I was feeling down and created a profile on several free sites basically for guys to compliment my looks. I've never been active on any of these sites, but recently I've started getting emails.
Hey, Kellydancer, have you ever posted a pic on this forum? I'd love to see what you look like... and offer my compliments.
I used to be sympathetic to Flakey, but I'm losing all sympathy for him. You should pursue other options. If this causes Flakey to wake up from his slumber and realize how badly he wants you and that he cannot lose you - what's the harm in that?
Go slow with the new guy and no one gets hurt. Anyway, I don't believe the new guy - 41 and never been married? - That's just too weird and raises too many red flags. Either there is a good reason why girls don't want to marry him, or he is the one who has no interest marriage, i.e., a member of the lifetime-bachelor club.
Kellydancer
09-28-2010, 03:31 PM
^^^ When you really think about, 2-3 years isn't a very long time considering you will have to spend quite a bit of time getting to know someone before you can know if they're marriage material. If you really want to get married that soon, I don't see how likely that's going to be if you're putting off dating indefinitely. I think you should forget about flakey and tell him that you're going to focus on other people, and that he can give you a call down the road when he's dealt with his issues and is ready to be a real boyfriend. The two of you can see where you are then. As it is now, he knows that you're going to keep carrying a torch for him no matter how crappy a partner he is. So there's not a lot of incentive for him to get his shit together. People don't tend to put the effort into making serious changes when they know their bad behavior is always going to be tolerated.
I'm giving him an ultimatum. I've written one out so I know what to say, but yes I'm going to put my foot down.
Elvia
09-28-2010, 03:32 PM
^^^ Good for you!!!
Kellydancer
09-28-2010, 03:35 PM
Hey, Kellydancer, have you ever posted a pic on this forum? I'd love to see what you look like... and offer my compliments.
I used to be sympathetic to Flakey, but I'm losing all sympathy for him. You should pursue other options. If this causes Flakey to wake up from his slumber and realize how badly he wants you and that he cannot lose you - what's the harm in that?
Go slow with the new guy and no one gets hurt. Anyway, I don't believe the new guy - 41 and never been married? - That's just too weird and raises too many red flags. Either there is a good reason why girls don't want to marry him, or he is the one who has no interest marriage, i.e., a member of the lifetime-bachelor club.
I've never posted my photo here but might sometime. I know, it sounds bad I did that, but sometimes I need reassuring that I'm not an old hag yet. The new guy deleted the message without responding so I suspect he's not interested. Oh well, that's better than meeting him. I'm going to tell Flakey next time I talk to him (he's waiting for me to call him, I am not calling him) that I'm not waiting for him (and I'm really not). As for the age, there are many never married over 40 guys here so not a big deal.
Kellydancer
09-28-2010, 03:39 PM
^^^ Good for you!!!
A family friend had the same problem. Her guy (they were in the same situation as me) wouldn't get serious. She basically told him that she would be there for him only if he came around. She also said she wasn't going to wait for him. He got his act together within a few months and then they got engaged. That's part of what I've got written down. I am NOT going to be in this situation next summer. Next summer I'll either be engaged to him or with someone else. That's my goal.
jack0177057
09-28-2010, 05:12 PM
I don't know about ultimatums - many people don't respond well to ultimatums. It also reveals desperation and manipulation. My response to ultimatums has always been very negative, like this - "If that's how you feel, maybe you should leave."
You should just tell him you like him a lot, but have lost your romantic interest in him, and are moving on. (This is not you manipulating him or asking him to change; this is just you losing interest, and he should recognize that its his fault.)
If he really has feelings for you, he will fight to win you back.
Elvia
09-28-2010, 06:52 PM
^^^ I think ultimatums get a bad rap. Sometimes, you just can't go on any further unless certain changes are made. I don't see anything wrong with explaining that to your partner. It shouldn't be something that happens all the time, it shouldn't become a tool to manipulate your partner. It should always be honest, and you shouldn't say it unless you mean it. But sometimes, it has to happen.
The guys who have a knee jerk impulsive reaction to just choose the answer you'll dislike the most for that reason alone are too immature to be dating anyway.
Kellydancer
09-28-2010, 08:30 PM
I don't know about ultimatums - many people don't respond well to ultimatums. It also reveals desperation and manipulation. My response to ultimatums has always been very negative, like this - "If that's how you feel, maybe you should leave."
You should just tell him you like him a lot, but have lost your romantic interest in him, and are moving on. (This is not you manipulating him or asking him to change; this is just you losing interest, and he should recognize that its his fault.)
If he really has feelings for you, he will fight to win you back.
That's a good thing to say. I think I'll use that. I'm also not going to call him and when he calls me back (he always does) I'll say something about liking him but am not waiting around for him.
jack0177057
09-29-2010, 12:35 PM
^^^ I think ultimatums get a bad rap. Sometimes, you just can't go on any further unless certain changes are made. I don't see anything wrong with explaining that to your partner. It shouldn't be something that happens all the time, it shouldn't become a tool to manipulate your partner. It should always be honest, and you shouldn't say it unless you mean it. But sometimes, it has to happen.
The guys who have a knee jerk impulsive reaction to just choose the answer you'll dislike the most for that reason alone are too immature to be dating anyway.
Is that a jab at me because I said I don't respond well to ultimatums? I don't think its a sign of maturity to make ultimatums, in the first place. If I am not happy with something specific in my relationship, I express my displeasure or concerns to my SO and I expect that she will listen and we will work it out (and vice versa, if she is unhappy about something). But, in my experience, this does not resolve problems --- "If you don't do X, I am leaving you." I read somewhere that ultimatums in human relationships usually come from a position of weakness and vulnerability,... not strength.
Here are two scenarios:
SCENARIO ONE:
Girl: "If you don't do X, I am leaving you."
Boy: "Well, you knew I was like this when we met and now you are trying to change me! You are trying to manipulate me and mold me into something I am not! If you don't like the way I am, then you probably should leave!"
Most of the time, she doesn't make good on her promise to leave, and she's lost all her credibitility and power in the relationship.
SCENARIO TWO:
Girl: "I like you a lot and I thought we had something, but lately, it hasn't felt that way anymore. I am not angry or bitter about it, but I am moving on."
Boy: [If he really cares for her] "Why do you say that? But, I love you. Don't go.... I know I messed up. Give me another chance!"
Kellydancer
09-29-2010, 12:51 PM
This is what I mean (not a jab at anyone btw) what works well for someone else doesn't work for another. I'll be giving him a light ultimatum as in "you might be giving up the best relationship you'll ever have" instead of "if you don't marry me next week I'm going to light your car on fire". I am being gentle with him and he's still healing from getting his heart broken a few years ago. Not to mention I haven't always been nice to him in the past.
Athenathefabulous
09-29-2010, 01:14 PM
Isn't one of the 10 commandments of dating "thall shall not try to change your partner or expect your partner to change?"
just throwing that out there...
Kellydancer
09-29-2010, 01:39 PM
Isn't one of the 10 commandments of dating "thall shall not try to change your partner or expect your partner to change?"
just throwing that out there...
I wouldn't want to change anyone, but in his case he wasn't like this before. This is the only reason I am giving him space. I've never dealt with guys like these before (normally I'd dump them right away) and this is a new one. Besides he did admit to me recently he does want to eventually marry.
jack0177057
09-29-2010, 02:47 PM
This is what I mean (not a jab at anyone btw) what works well for someone else doesn't work for another. I'll be giving him a light ultimatum as in "you might be giving up the best relationship you'll ever have" instead of "if you don't marry me next week I'm going to light your car on fire". I am being gentle with him and he's still healing from getting his heart broken a few years ago. Not to mention I haven't always been nice to him in the past.
Are you sure his "healing" is not just an excuse? You've given this guy a lot of time and a lot of chances to get his shit together and it seems convenient for him to blame his "healing heart".
If you do give him a "light ultimatum", are you really prepared to walk away? If you pull out the gun, you have to be ready and willing to pull the trigger, and you can't be afraid of blood.
Kellydancer
09-29-2010, 02:53 PM
Yes I am ready to walk away if he can't get it together. I have given him space and he did come back (I thought he disappeared) but I can't keep going on this roller coaster. Even simple things as Christmas scares me because that will be a year we've been speaking again and if we aren't officially a coule then it will send me into a severe depression. He did go through a string of terrible heartbreaks and I understand why he's hurting.
Elvia
09-29-2010, 03:49 PM
Here are two scenarios:
SCENARIO ONE:
Girl: "If you don't do X, I am leaving you."
Boy: "Well, you knew I was like this when we met and now you are trying to change me! You are trying to manipulate me and mold me into something I am not! If you don't like the way I am, then you probably should leave!"
Most of the time, she doesn't make good on her promise to leave, and she's lost all her credibitility and power in the relationship.
Please Jack, that is not the situation we are talking about. He knows what she needs, he knows it's been a problem. He's acknowledged his behavior is a problem. If he truly cared about her, and wasn't an immature little child, he would be able to get past his initial reaction to rebel and really consider what's going on. He knew something was a problem, he knew it couldn't go on forever, and now she's had enough. A mature reasonable person should be able to consider that in either situation, however she phrases things.
Kellydancer
09-29-2010, 04:03 PM
Well, I am a reasonable person. There are a few reasons why I am giving him a chance and it's basically because I know he was never like this before. Also, I need to fix my career situation before it can progress to the next step (living together or marriage). This would be true in any dating scenario. He knows he's being a jerk, he's even told me this. He's also going to counseling to get over his issues (which he never had before). I would never put up with this in any other situation and never have. I did meet a few guys who pulled this in the past (not many). I left them right away, didn't give them a chance and they came back (I rejected them).
Kisca
09-29-2010, 04:07 PM
Yes I am ready to walk away if he can't get it together. I have given him space and he did come back (I thought he disappeared) but I can't keep going on this roller coaster. Even simple things as Christmas scares me because that will be a year we've been speaking again and if we aren't officially a coule then it will send me into a severe depression. He did go through a string of terrible heartbreaks and I understand why he's hurting.
Good for you Kelly! Im glad you have a plan (or goal) to go by. Know that you have given him space and if he does not come back then move on. If I were you I would move on slowly step by step now... and if he does come back changed then great, you would be already set and he will be too. But by moving on now, you will already have your own little life, either you will meet someone else - do give chances, whether its a date or 2, or you'll be with Flaky. Its you that will make one of these happen, but both will take time. Focus on yourself and on postive things in life. And please if xmas comes and he doesnt come around dont go into depression its just a cue to leave him and move on.
Kellydancer
09-29-2010, 04:21 PM
Good for you Kelly! Im glad you have a plan (or goal) to go by. Know that you have given him space and if he does not come back then move on. If I were you I would move on slowly step by step now... and if he does come back changed then great, you would be already set and he will be too. But by moving on now, you will already have your own little life, either you will meet someone else - do give chances, whether its a date or 2, or you'll be with Flaky. Its you that will make one of these happen, but both will take time. Focus on yourself and on postive things in life. And please if xmas comes and he doesnt come around dont go into depression its just a cue to leave him and move on.
If I don't see an improvement by Christmas I am definitely moving on, no question. That's giving him several months to get it together. I'm trying to get my life together anyway and it'll be the same whether he's in it or not. Right now where I live there are no single men so I'm not going to meet anyone else, but when I do move, then I'll look into other options. When we did reconnect he did tell me he needs time to trust again so I should have known and I went slow (which I do anyways).
jack0177057
09-29-2010, 05:32 PM
Please Jack, that is not the situation we are talking about. He knows what she needs, he knows it's been a problem. He's acknowledged his behavior is a problem. If he truly cared about her, and wasn't an immature little child, he would be able to get past his initial reaction to rebel and really consider what's going on. He knew something was a problem, he knew it couldn't go on forever, and now she's had enough. A mature reasonable person should be able to consider that in either situation, however she phrases things.
He's a good manipulator though. I'm beginning to think he's "healing heart" is an excuse to act selfishly.
He could say something like this to her ultimatum - "You know what I've been through and my emotional state. You know that I need a lot of time to learn to trust again, without any pressure. Now, you are acting just like... (so-and-so) who used and manipulated me. I don't need this shit."
But, if instead of an ultimatum, she just tells him that she is moving on, he might say this (if he really cares for her) - "I know I've been slow, but don't give up on me, yet. Give me more time. I'm going to try harder."
rickdugan
09-29-2010, 06:37 PM
i dont think that your job is the reason why Flakey is being flakey. i think that is just how he is.
with or without a job, you deserve better.
Kelly, I can't help but agree with this. I normally stay clear of this area but I can't help but comment regarding Flakey. He is aptly named and, at his age, needs to man up and stop being such a pussy. And Disneyworld? A grown man without kids? WTF?
Is this the guy that you want to trust to be a stable man for a family? What happens if, three years and two children later, he runs back to his mommy crying that he made a mistake? What happens with your children? Is he going to provide for a family when he can't even live on his own?
Sorry to sound harsh, but this guy needs to toughen up IMHO.
I agree that you deserve better and have no doubt that you could find it. :)
TinkerBall
09-29-2010, 07:03 PM
I believe you said he was getting counseling on this. It might be a good idea for you to go with him so his counselor knows your side of it. You might get some good advice plus you can make sure he really is getting counseling. ;)
Elvia
09-29-2010, 09:16 PM
He's a good manipulator though. I'm beginning to think he's "healing heart" is an excuse to act selfishly.
He could say something like this to her ultimatum - "You know what I've been through and my emotional state. You know that I need a lot of time to learn to trust again, without any pressure. Now, you are acting just like... (so-and-so) who used and manipulated me. I don't need this shit."
But, if instead of an ultimatum, she just tells him that she is moving on, he might say this (if he really cares for her) - "I know I've been slow, but don't give up on me, yet. Give me more time. I'm going to try harder."
If he says that, then she needs to be prepared for that BS, tell him he's out of chances, then make good on her threat to move on.
I do agree your technique is a good idea though.
Kellydancer
09-29-2010, 09:34 PM
He's a good manipulator though. I'm beginning to think he's "healing heart" is an excuse to act selfishly.
He could say something like this to her ultimatum - "You know what I've been through and my emotional state. You know that I need a lot of time to learn to trust again, without any pressure. Now, you are acting just like... (so-and-so) who used and manipulated me. I don't need this shit."
But, if instead of an ultimatum, she just tells him that she is moving on, he might say this (if he really cares for her) - "I know I've been slow, but don't give up on me, yet. Give me more time. I'm going to try harder."
He actually said something like this to me, without comparing me to anyone else. Years ago he did say I was nagging him like his mom (his mom nags him big time). Depending on when he does eventually call (depending on my mood then or how far in the future he calls) I'll either be rough or easier.
jack0177057
09-30-2010, 03:47 PM
If he says that, then she needs to be prepared for that BS, tell him he's out of chances, then make good on her threat to move on.
I do agree your technique is a good idea though.
You agree with me on something?... I'm feeling warm and tingly all over. :D
Kellydancer
10-01-2010, 11:19 PM
Here's the update. I looked at my sent message and the guy from online deleted the email. Never trying online again. Hate it anyway. Not talking about Flakey, but the guy I emailed.
Chgojoe
10-02-2010, 06:37 AM
Kelly I am very sorry that my words were so painful to you. The type of guy you are looking for is exactly my demographic so I thought my view might prove useful. You are asking advise on how to handle a situation dealing with single guys in their 40's and I did my best to share the perspective of one.
I am not personally judging your job situation. I work in the construction industry and have been without work for months at a time.
I wish you all the best in finding gainful employment and the permanant ltr that you are seeking
Kellydancer
10-02-2010, 10:05 AM
Kelly I am very sorry that my words were so painful to you. The type of guy you are looking for is exactly my demographic so I thought my view might prove useful. You are asking advise on how to handle a situation dealing with single guys in their 40's and I did my best to share the perspective of one.
I am not personally judging your job situation. I work in the construction industry and have been without work for months at a time.
I wish you all the best in finding gainful employment and the permanant ltr that you are seeking
Thank you. Yes I did take it as a judgement because people often think I'm happy being unemployed. Right now I am looking for work and never really was looking for a boyfriend but flakey reconnected. Then when he did his flakiness it kind of scared me that I'll never find anyone else. I know the unemployment is something he's scared of, and I have a feeling once I get a job things will be better with me and him. He doesn't make much and his biggest fear is I'll get pregnant and he'll have to support me and the baby on his salary.
KS_Stevia
10-03-2010, 12:28 PM
Kelly, have you considered looking into younger guys? Not in their twenties, but in the mid-30's, a few years younger than you? Less of them have been married/have kids, and someone 3-5 years younger than you is still technically in your generation.
Kellydancer
10-03-2010, 12:37 PM
Kelly, have you considered looking into younger guys? Not in their twenties, but in the mid-30's, a few years younger than you? Less of them have been married/have kids, and someone 3-5 years younger than you is still technically in your generation.
Yes if it doesn't work out for me and him, I have considered it.
Elvia
10-03-2010, 04:09 PM
^^^ When do you plan to tell him you've made your decision?
shasta
10-03-2010, 05:00 PM
OK, this Flakey guy, lives with his mom who nags him and he is broke.........
KaylaM
10-03-2010, 05:30 PM
OK, this Flakey guy, lives with his mom who nags him and he is broke.........
Ding Ding Ding Ding!!!! We have a winner!
Exactly what I was thinking but hey kelly whatever floats your boat. :)
Kellydancer
10-03-2010, 08:39 PM
OK, this Flakey guy, lives with his mom who nags him and he is broke.........
He's not broke but yes he lives with his mom and he nags him. He doesn't make a lot of money but has an union job. Next January he'll get a good raise and be making close to what I will once I get a job.
I haven't decided when I will tell him what I'm thinking but soon. We need to have a talk where I lay it all on the line.
Promnesiac
10-03-2010, 09:37 PM
He's not broke but yes he lives with his mom and he nags him. He doesn't make a lot of money but has an union job. Next January he'll get a good raise and be making close to what I will once I get a job.
I haven't decided when I will tell him what I'm thinking but soon. We need to have a talk where I lay it all on the line.
Has it been asked yet why he lives with his mom? I don't really like to automatically discount people who live with parents as adults, but it does seem....weird. Sorry if you already explained why; I'm sleepy. :)
Kellydancer
10-03-2010, 09:49 PM
Has it been asked yet why he lives with his mom? I don't really like to automatically discount people who live with parents as adults, but it does seem....weird. Sorry if you already explained why; I'm sleepy. :)
A few reasons. One is right now he doesn't make much money. The other (which we won't admit) is he's partly way too reliant on his parents. I understand he feels almost obligated being an only child of Italians but he needs to move out. One thing I am going to throw out to him is mentioning moving in together next year. I do intend to move close to him anyway (not because of him, I want to move closer to job areas) and this might be his excuse to move out. Even if it just as "friendship" (as in we each have our own room and no sex). I know once he sees I'm not like his mom we will change his mind. Plus by then he'll be making much more money. Will it work? No idea but I think he needs to get away from his mom because she's part of it. He has mentioned the idea of us moving in together so it's a possibility perhaps later down the road.
Promnesiac
10-04-2010, 11:02 AM
A few reasons. One is right now he doesn't make much money. The other (which we won't admit) is he's partly way too reliant on his parents. I understand he feels almost obligated being an only child of Italians but he needs to move out. One thing I am going to throw out to him is mentioning moving in together next year. I do intend to move close to him anyway (not because of him, I want to move closer to job areas) and this might be his excuse to move out. Even if it just as "friendship" (as in we each have our own room and no sex). I know once he sees I'm not like his mom we will change his mind. Plus by then he'll be making much more money. Will it work? No idea but I think he needs to get away from his mom because she's part of it. He has mentioned the idea of us moving in together so it's a possibility perhaps later down the road.
I agree that it sounds essential for him developing at all as an independent person. It sounds like right now it's just inertia; he has been there, feels obligated, and can't find a real reason to make that break.
Kellydancer
10-04-2010, 11:22 AM
And right now I can't move, which might give him the excuse to move. Once things improves I'm going to ask him if he wants to move in. If he doesn't by then, I will assume he never will.
Djoser
10-06-2010, 03:04 AM
Kelly.. dont look at life so seriously.. have fun with it. Time flies by and there is no such thing as a prefect mate.. we all have flaws and dislikes that we dont like but other come with our S/O...
...meet peope.. even if those men dont become boyfriends or husband ponitional... they could always be a good friend at the end of the road.
Good advice.
As for 'Flakey', the fact that you gave him that nickname tells me everything I need to know.
At 39, you can't really rule out guys who have been divorced or have kids without ruling out the majority of men out there. Not that you shouldn't, but if you are going to have such stringent requirements, you must prepare to be alone for a while until you find the guy you will be happy with.
Being alone for a while is not so bad, and it sure beats getting all tangled up with the 'Flakeys' of both sexes out there.