View Full Version : He has an online profile!
ManyRoses
03-01-2011, 12:05 PM
^^^I'm so glad to read this post! I know it sounds horribly cliched, but I really believe that once you are happy on your own, you will find someone! Being happy, fulfilled and self-sufficient is so interesting and sexy...on top of which, when you know that you don't need someone, it let's you demand the best, so you are more likely to get it!
Remove this guy from your life - it just seems like he is constantly upsetting you but never making you happy...would you keep a hairdresser that always made you feel ugly, or a car that never runs but keeps costing you money? The best way I heard it was - when milk goes bad, you don't put it back in the fridge and keep sniffing to see if it's gone fresh again!
Good luck!
Kellydancer
03-01-2011, 12:48 PM
The funny thing is I was recovering from him, then when I saw his profile it made me upset again. I showed it to someone and they laughed. What he's looking for is humorous. He's looking for a single mom (because he wants kids but not the financial responsibility, um ok) who's 18-40 (he's 43) and in shape (he's not) who likes to play video games and makes more than him. He's not cute and doesn't have money so I'll laugh if he gets no responses (which he probably won't). Someone did point out to me that it could be a lurking profile like I have and maybe he put it up after seeing my lurking profile (never know).
A guy who's not interested in a relationship can make unreasonable demands because he doesn't really care if nobody bites.
jack0177057
03-02-2011, 12:39 PM
Kelly - what a creep this guy turned out to be... At least you didn't sleep with this bum.
I think you should just focus your attention on having fun and doing productive things... Take the pressure off yourself of finding someone "special"...
It will certainly happen for you, but probably, when you're least expecting it.
Kellydancer
03-02-2011, 02:05 PM
A guy who's not interested in a relationship can make unreasonable demands because he doesn't really care if nobody bites.
I showed his profile to a few and they don't think he's being serious with online. They think he's probably taking it as a joke.
Kelly - what a creep this guy turned out to be... At least you didn't sleep with this bum.
I think you should just focus your attention on having fun and doing productive things... Take the pressure off yourself of finding someone "special"...
It will certainly happen for you, but probably, when you're least expecting it.
I've got a few projects I am working on so this relieves some pressure for now. I am glad I didn't sleep with him, though I sometimes wonder if it would have made a difference. He doesn't take sex casually so may have changed things. When I was asking my mom about him the other day she told me something he told her. Apparently he told my mom he was falling in love with me and wanted to be with forever. She seems to think he got scared so is possibly using online dating to date casually (not serious and not sexual) to avoid falling. Who knows.
I showed his profile to a few and they don't think he's being serious with online. They think he's probably taking it as a joke.
Wouldn't surprise me, its not uncommon to make a profile on those sites just to look around.
safado
03-02-2011, 03:07 PM
I've got a few projects I am working on so this relieves some pressure for now. I am glad I didn't sleep with him, though I sometimes wonder if it would have made a difference. He doesn't take sex casually so may have changed things. When I was asking my mom about him the other day she told me something he told her. Apparently he told my mom he was falling in love with me and wanted to be with forever. She seems to think he got scared so is possibly using online dating to date casually (not serious and not sexual) to avoid falling. Who knows.
If I remember correctly I think you have said that you rejected him years ago. I think that he is just angry and bitter about the past and fucking with you as payback.
jack0177057
03-02-2011, 03:34 PM
I've got a few projects I am working on so this relieves some pressure for now. I am glad I didn't sleep with him, though I sometimes wonder if it would have made a difference. He doesn't take sex casually so may have changed things. When I was asking my mom about him the other day she told me something he told her. Apparently he told my mom he was falling in love with me and wanted to be with forever. She seems to think he got scared so is possibly using online dating to date casually (not serious and not sexual) to avoid falling. Who knows.
I've given this guy the benefit of the doubt in my past e-mails... But, with all the new information, the fact that he has made 0% progress and how badly he treats you, there is no doubt in my mind that this guy is a total loser and prick.
You just have to get over him... It sounds to me like you are still trying to rationalize his actions and defending him.
"Fear of commitment" or "fear of falling in love" is a convenient excuse for pricks to justify being jerks.
noelle
03-02-2011, 04:15 PM
Just stop thinkig about this guy. Full stop. Didn't you say he was a foot fetish customer you met at the strip club many years ago and rejected?
Kellydancer
03-02-2011, 05:25 PM
Yes I did reject him in the past and there was many reasons. Maybe back then I knew he was a bad choice but when he re appeared I assumed it was fate. Yes he was a foot fetish customer of mine. I have removed him from various places I have his info stores and blocked him on Facebook. I've decided I'm not going to hurt another man because that would make me just as bad. Maybe I'll meet someone better. I don't even know why I am this fixated on him because I have other choices.
I've given this guy the benefit of the doubt in my past e-mails... But, with all the new information, the fact that he has made 0% progress and how badly he treats you, there is no doubt in my mind that this guy is a total loser and prick.
You just have to get over him... It sounds to me like you are still trying to rationalize his actions and defending him.
"Fear of commitment" or "fear of falling in love" is a convenient excuse for pricks to justify being jerks.
You are right and you've helped me a lot in the messages through the months. I have defended him but am done with defending him because he isn't worth it at all.
Kellydancer
03-02-2011, 05:53 PM
Wouldn't surprise me, its not uncommon to make a profile on those sites just to look around.
I will fess up and admit I did this too. I have several profiles on various online sites just to lurk. I haven't joined any of the paid ones but am considering it.
Kellydancer
03-04-2011, 12:06 AM
I went to talk to someone about this at church and realized so many things. First off, it could be God testing me, but this one I don't think. Instead I think in hindsight this is probably a good thing this happened. I kept holding on hope he would come back and change to become the person I want. In reality this probably won't happen. He might come back but likely won't change. Plus there are many red flags galore such as he finds French kissing and oral sex gross and the idea of giving up both bothers me. Not to mention my parents don't like him and never did even before he pulled this.
I was asked what I see in him and I mentioned because of his morals and because he's Catholic, never married and childless. The person at the church told me that while this does limit my dating pool there still are single men like this and a few even know ones fitting this. The fact that I am attractive (yes looks matter more than most people in general want to admit) and that I live close to a major city is in my favor. More than one person in real life has suggested that I am holding onto him because I believe there are no more men.
In hindsight maybe finding his profile was a good idea because it's finally making me move on. Before this I was healing but always held hope he'd come back. Now I doubt he will. Actually I think he would have by now. I look at people who started dating their SO when I first reconnected and several are engaged. If I had moved on when he first did this maybe I would be engaged too.
4everresolutions
03-04-2011, 12:20 AM
I'm glad you went to the church and spoke to some people about this. You're completely right - if you had done away with him months ago, maybe you would have someone new by now. Let it serve as a lesson and don't waste any more time on this man. He is not the one for you. He's not coming back for you. You are better off without him.
And there ARE more men out there. Really. Give it a year or so and go out dating and find some good ones. You owe it to yourself.
Kellydancer
03-04-2011, 12:40 AM
You're absolutely right. I am glad I did this because I was letting myself get crazy over this. Like they said, even the most sane rational people can get like this at times. I am just angry I let him come back the first time intead of telling him off then. Ironically if he had been dating a friend of mine I would have told her to ditch him because he's got red flags galore. Yet because it's me I accepted this. I am normally very sane.
When I do start dating again I am opening up preferences that are really too shallow. For instance if I meet a guy and he's not someone I am attracted to I'll give him a chance. He might be good for me and love may develop. I'm also going to be open to dating men a little heavier than I like and also younger than I normally date.
Camateur
03-04-2011, 02:51 AM
You're absolutely right. I am glad I did this because I was letting myself get crazy over this. Like they said, even the most sane rational people can get like this at times. I am just angry I let him come back the first time intead of telling him off then. Ironically if he had been dating a friend of mine I would have told her to ditch him because he's got red flags galore. Yet because it's me I accepted this. I am normally very sane.
When I do start dating again I am opening up preferences that are really too shallow. For instance if I meet a guy and he's not someone I am attracted to I'll give him a chance. He might be good for me and love may develop. I'm also going to be open to dating men a little heavier than I like and also younger than I normally date.
You should also consider guys who have been married before. Why? because these guys have already proven that they can make a commitment to a woman. Marriages can fail due to many reasons; there are some great guys who just got with the wrong girls etc..
Odds are if you meet a never been married 40+ guy he's probably looking to stay that way. there are always exceptions but the exceptions prove the rule with this one.
Kellydancer
03-04-2011, 12:04 PM
You should also consider guys who have been married before. Why? because these guys have already proven that they can make a commitment to a woman. Marriages can fail due to many reasons; there are some great guys who just got with the wrong girls etc..
Odds are if you meet a never been married 40+ guy he's probably looking to stay that way. there are always exceptions but the exceptions prove the rule with this one.
Why should I consider men who broke their marriage vows? I would only in the case of annulments. Otherwise, no. I am strongly opposed to divorce. Just because they have been married doesn't mean they can make commitments. Many are divorced because they have commitment issues. Likewise, being single after 40 doesn't mean they have issues. Yet we see this lie all the time. Unless you have met every single over 40 single man you can't say they are all like this same thing with divorced men. What exceptions prove this rule? Just because you might have seen this pattern I have not. In fact the pattern I've seen is that divorced men do NOT want to remarry whereas single men often want to once they find the right girl, especially if they are dealing with biological clock issues.
Nope, I am fine being single and would prefer this over a divorced man. This is especially true with divorced men who broke their vows to their kids and their marriage.
Kellydancer
03-04-2011, 01:44 PM
Just because someone is divorced... You have to figure... for every person who broke their marriage vows... there's an innocent person divorcing their spouse for cheating on/lying to/mistreating them.
Just wanted to point that out.
I probably wouldn't marry someone who was divorced either, LOL.
True. Unfortunately most of the guys I've met who were divorced were all divorced because of their faults (cheating, chauvinist pigs etc). I know two who were divorced because they were innocent and got used but most I've known were divorced because they deserved it.
ETA: I would consider a guy divorced in certain instances (for instance he had a Vegas marriage then got it annulled). These instances aren't all the common and most marriages weren't short things.
Women cheat just as much or more than men, you wouldn't date someone who got divorced because they caught their wife cheating?
Kellydancer
03-04-2011, 09:51 PM
I wouldn't date a divorced man period. In most cases she was cheating because he was a rotten guy and deserved to be cheated on. I base this on cases I know.
HEAD TURNER 2
03-04-2011, 10:08 PM
Why should I consider men who broke their marriage vows? I would only in the case of annulments. Otherwise, no. I am strongly opposed to divorce. Just because they have been married doesn't mean they can make commitments. Many are divorced because they have commitment issues. Likewise, being single after 40 doesn't mean they have issues. Yet we see this lie all the time. Unless you have met every single over 40 single man you can't say they are all like this same thing with divorced men. What exceptions prove this rule? Just because you might have seen this pattern I have not. In fact the pattern I've seen is that divorced men do NOT want to remarry whereas single men often want to once they find the right girl, especially if they are dealing with biological clock issues.
Nope, I am fine being single and would prefer this over a divorced man. This is especially true with divorced men who broke their vows to their kids and their marriage.
Why should you consider divorced men?
Because life isn't perfect and you cant control your partner in a marriage. Some of the most perfect men I have known were divorced. (Not by choice)
Do you realize what percentage of the dating pool you are cutting out by not accepting previously married guys?
This pathetic out of shape 40 year old wasted years of your life. What pulled you to this loser most? His past marriage status?!!!!! Are you kidding me? You would rather date a fat dude than date a dude previously married without even opening your eyes to their individual situations?
You are fixated on this one thing and it is in your values/beliefs and it is hard to change. It may be your catholic upbringing/your parents? (whatever)
You say you are a past dancer and that is cool. It is a little hard to swallow that you were once a dancer, yet your conservative values are keeping you from dating divorced men. I hate to use the term close minded because you seem sweet- but that is how you are coming across in respect to dating divorced men.
Kellydancer
03-04-2011, 10:16 PM
I don't think being a dancer has much to do with my religious views at all. I wasn't very religious while dancing. No, I will not date divorced men because to be honest I want a Catholic wedding. That's just one reason but no I will not date divorced men, but would consider men who got annulments. Besides, I have dated divorced men (when I wasn't going to church) and they were the most screwed up guys ever. None of them wanted to remarry and almost every divorced man I met never wanted to remarry. Since I am dating just to marry this is extremely important. Yes I would rather date a fat dude than a divorced man, especially one with children (I think dads who divorced or never married the mom are mostly awful people).
I'm willing to bet 90% of all divorced men are that way because they are awful guys who either cheated, beat up, or treated their wives like trash. For every one guy who was the victim there is probably 5 guys who deserved to get the divorce.
HEAD TURNER 2
03-04-2011, 10:17 PM
I wouldn't date a divorced man period. In most cases she was cheating because he was a rotten guy and deserved to be cheated on. I base this on cases I know.
This image is pretty skewed -no offense. Most marriages separate because of money issues-not cheating.
So if a dude went through a tough spot ten years prior financially and his wife couldn't hang. (which I have personally seen more than cheating) You have no sympathy?
You would rather date the guy who has never seen any wealth and is looking for a woman who makes more while playing video games? Oh, and is not even attractive to begin with? Oh, and who wont kiss you?
You just need to open your mind a bit and everything can fall into place for you.
Kellydancer
03-04-2011, 10:20 PM
This image is pretty skewed -no offense. Most marriages separate because of money issues-not cheating.
So if a dude went through a tough spot ten years prior financially and his wife couldn't hang. (which I have personally seen more than cheating) You have no sympathy?
You would rather date the guy who has never seen any wealth and is looking for a woman who makes more while playing video games? Oh, and is not even attractive to begin with? Oh, and who wont kiss you?
You just need to open your mind a bit and everything can fall into place for you.
I don't care about money. I have no sympathy when it was a stupid reason to divorce.
Quite frankly I am tired of people telling me my morals are wrong and I must accept what others believe. I do not accept out of wedlock dads (I find them repulsive) and divorced dads should have tried to work it out with the wife. If someone didn't think seriously about marriage why should I be their next victim?
HEAD TURNER 2
03-04-2011, 10:23 PM
I don't think being a dancer has much to do with my religious views at all. I wasn't very religious while dancing. No, I will not date divorced men because to be honest I want a Catholic wedding. That's just one reason but no I will not date divorced men, but would consider men who got annulments. Besides, I have dated divorced men (when I wasn't going to church) and they were the most screwed up guys ever. None of them wanted to remarry and almost every divorced man I met never wanted to remarry. Since I am dating just to marry this is extremely important. Yes I would rather date a fat dude than a divorced man, especially one with children (I think dads who divorced or never married the mom are mostly awful people).
I'm willing to bet 90% of all divorced men are that way because they are awful guys who either cheated, beat up, or treated their wives like trash. For every one guy who was the victim there is probably 5 guys who deserved to ge thte divorce.
If I was an unmarried dude and I saw a womans profile on a dating site who said she wouldn't give divorced dudes a chance and to not bother contacting her I would question a lot about that person.
I am willing to take that 90 percent bet. That is one of the largest lines of bullshit I have seen on SW. You sound like you have been around a lot of bad men and I am sorry for that.
HEAD TURNER 2
03-04-2011, 10:25 PM
I don't care about money. I have no sympathy when it was a stupid reason to divorce.
You are not realistic. Your views are skewed and it is affecting your life.
Kellydancer
03-04-2011, 10:27 PM
No my views are very realistic. I want a never married man and that won't change. If it means I am alone I am fine with this. Divorce is bad in most cases and I don't want to be their victim when they divorce me. No way. I make no bones about the fact that I am opposed to divorce. I would only accept an annulment. Otherwise, nope. I especially would never date a dad (yuck).
Btw: My profiles don't mention divorce except with dads. I ask no dads to contact me. I am going to try the Catholic sites to find a guy.
Kellydancer
03-04-2011, 11:07 PM
Honestly. Good for you for sticking by not wanting to marry a divorced man.
I've always looked at it from the view point that... for me it would be this huge special thing... and for him, well... he's already done it with someone he thought he'd love forever. You can tell me all day long that it's just as important a day for him... but I don't buy it.
It's like having kids with someone who already has kid. Huge life changing thing for you... even if they're excited about a new baby... it's just not the same.
Personally... I want all the significant things in my life that I'm going through for the first time to be just as significant and new for the person I'm with. Which is why I don't think I'd marry someone who was divorced.
Completely agreed with everything you said. I know I would be green with envy knowing he had done it before, especially if he had a huge wedding.
I hate when I come across as sounding judgemental but this is something I feel strongly about. I can bend on everything else but not this.
Susan-Va
03-05-2011, 12:47 AM
Why should I consider men who broke their marriage vows? I would only in the case of annulments. Otherwise, no. I am strongly opposed to divorce. Just because they have been married doesn't mean they can make commitments. Many are divorced because they have commitment issues. Likewise, being single after 40 doesn't mean they have issues. Yet we see this lie all the time. Unless you have met every single over 40 single man you can't say they are all like this same thing with divorced men. What exceptions prove this rule? Just because you might have seen this pattern I have not. In fact the pattern I've seen is that divorced men do NOT want to remarry whereas single men often want to once they find the right girl, especially if they are dealing with biological clock issues.
Nope, I am fine being single and would prefer this over a divorced man. This is especially true with divorced men who broke their vows to their kids and their marriage.
I wouldn't date a divorced man period. In most cases she was cheating because he was a rotten guy and deserved to be cheated on. I base this on cases I know.
You've got to be kidding. My grandparents are the perfect example of why you are wrong. My Mom's dad was a raging alcoholic who tried to kill my grandmother in front of my mom, she divorced him. My step-grandfather (the only grandfather I ever had) caught his wife in the act of cheating on him, he divorced her. My grandmother and grandfather met in the late 1940's and married. they were married for over forty years and were together until the end.
I take it form what you've posted that you're Catholic, sorry if I'm wrong on that. The best (insert sarcasm here) part of my grandparents story is that the Catholic church, which they were both completely devoted to, didn't recognize their marriage because they were divorced until the 1970's.
There are plenty of great men out there that have been married and they maraige ended due to no fault of thier own. (And the same can be said for divorced women too). You need to open your eyes to what's out there. if yo keep having these close minded views on men you'r gonna be alone for a long time.
Kellydancer
03-05-2011, 01:21 AM
You've got to be kidding. My grandparents are the perfect example of why you are wrong. My Mom's dad was a raging alcoholic who tried to kill my grandmother in front of my mom, she divorced him. My step-grandfather (the only grandfather I ever had) caught his wife in the act of cheating on him, he divorced her. My grandmother and grandfather met in the late 1940's and married. they were married for over forty years and were together until the end.
I take it form what you've posted that you're Catholic, sorry if I'm wrong on that. The best (insert sarcasm here) part of my grandparents story is that the Catholic church, which they were both completely devoted to, didn't recognize their marriage because they were divorced until the 1970's.
There are plenty of great men out there that have been married and they maraige ended due to no fault of thier own. (And the same can be said for divorced women too). You need to open your eyes to what's out there. if yo keep having these close minded views on men you'r gonna be alone for a long time.
It's terrible what your grandmother endured but that is an exception not a rule. I am perfectly content being alone rather than marrying a divorced man. Yes I am Catholic and I take marriage seriously. Barring abuse or infidelity I believe in marriage being forever. Since people getting divorced aren't still married to the person they were supposed to be married, then most don't take marriage seriously and would not be a good match for me. They need to date secular women not try to enforce their views on me. I also don't date non Christians either.
I am fine being "close minded" about this. Why is it that those of us who strongly oppose divorce are supposed to bend our religious views? I don't see people asking pro divorce people to become pro marriage yet for some reason my dislike of divorce is wrong but it's perfectly fine for someone to break their marriage vows and I'm supposed to accept it? Nope won't do that and I am tired of people telling me I am wrong when this is my RELIGIOUS views. I only support divorce due to abuse or infidelity. Otherwise, nope. Most people I know who got divorced weren't serious about marriage and I'd never date these people.
And I don't care how many more people tell me I am wrong about this (though of course the same people would NEVER attack those who love divorce) I am NOT bending, ever. I want that big Catholic wedding, Not a secular wedding. I will not be giving a divorced man a chance ever.
firemaiden04
03-05-2011, 06:38 AM
It's fine that you have certain very high standards about who you date. It may be unrealistic, but whatever. However, the issue that I have is that you are implying that the majority of divorced people or non-Christians are morally vacant and/or lazy about relationships. I find it amazing and sad that someone who worked in the sex industry is so close-minded and judgmental about such a large segment of the population. Including me, and quite a few of the members on this board. I'm not divorced, but I sure as hell am not Christian. I'm getting married in a few months, and I'm pretty sure that me being Pagan is not going to result in a divorce because I "wasn't serious about marriage."
TinkerBall
03-05-2011, 07:16 AM
I think you're filtering out almost the whole normal over 35 male population. I don't think you will find any normal straight guy who will meet all your criteria. Why not just get out and meet people and find someone you like? You could look forever if you are trying to find someone like a computer would and then actually like the person. Normal guys have relationships and often kids by the time they reach middle age. When you're done with all your filtering you will probably find mostly dorks that play video games all the time and live with mommy.
kthnx
03-05-2011, 08:04 AM
I gotta comment on a few things. First I find some value in several diff viewpoints. Camateur said most never-married guys in their 40s may be that way becuz they choose to stay that way. Good point. I went thru this with a guy in his 40s who many friends, and now me, believe will never want to marry. We broke up After more than 2yrs becuz of this. I saw break up as a blessing in disguise becuz now I was free to meet someone who did want marriage. This ex had MANY ex gfs who also got exasperated with him due to being too slow to move forwaRd with marriage + babies so this pattern shows it was HIM. And yea he was the kinda guy who appeared to have the "whole package"...gorgeous, smart, high end job, owned property, sweet, liked animals, was generous to small children, etc...it made u wonder why he hadnt been married yet til u found out he'd had many chances to but chose not to.
Then again, I also agree with Kelly that many divorces show a LACK of commitment from the guy. E.g., mebbe for the guy, the marriage was an obligation he didn't feel emotionally ready for but felt he had to do becuz of pressure from his girl or family or becuz of a pregnancy. So yea it can go either way.
Kelly, I agree a little with your decision to drop some high standards bur I also disagree a lil with it too. First i like considering the younger guy thing because that reduces the possibility that may I
Increase the chances that he's a good catch AND wants to get married. Guys in their 30s are younger than you but still old enough to be mature and ready to settle down. A few guys after my ex, I started considering guys who were 3yrs younger than me if they had all the other things I was looking for becuz I did t want to lose out on a catch just becuz of age. In other words, I'd gladly take a somewhat younger guy with a career and a good sense of responsibility, than a guy slightly older who has loss-custody issues and has had q recent string of duis.
So while I agree with lowering some high standards such as the age thing, I don't really like the considering unattractive guys thing. If you're falling for a guy, you will perceive him to be attractive in some quirky way to you; I think that's what you were doing with the last guy, you even wrote that a few times on this site. If a guy STILL appears hideous to you after really getting to know him, then perhaps it's a sign that you're not really in love with him. Also, I gotta be honest. Some might want to throw rotten tomatoes at me for this but, I found that the whole "ugly guys treat you better and arent full of themselves" thing is a crock of shit. The guys that treated me the worst were unattractive guys. They were insecure of their lesser looks and they acted controlling and possessive and jealous in attempt to block me from possibly straying to a better guy...many times "controlling" became "abusive". Some were ugly becuz they had a sexist attitude that I the girl needed to look good while they, the guy, could get away with looking like crap...due to things like pigging out on junk food, not brushing their teeth or hair, dressing sloppy, etc. Obviously guys with this attitude also tended to be assholes and sexist and expect me to clean up after them.
I'm not saying you should hold out for a perfect 10 in the looks Dept (e.g., a somewhat overweigt guy might have a cute face or amazing eyes, so that type of guy would t be bad to consider), but don't go to the other extreme either and realize that if you see NOTHING attractive about the guy then that's a bad sign.
Sounds like you're moving on from the jerk an ready to meet new people. Good luck!
kthnx
03-05-2011, 08:18 AM
You've got to be kidding. My grandparents are the perfect example of why you are wrong. My Mom's dad was a raging alcoholic who tried to kill my grandmother in front of my mom, she divorced him. My step-grandfather (the only grandfather I ever had) caught his wife in the act of cheating on him, he divorced her. My grandmother and grandfather met in the late 1940's and married. they were married for over forty years and were together until the end.
I take it form what you've posted that you're Catholic, sorry if I'm wrong on that. The best (insert sarcasm here) part of my grandparents story is that the Catholic church, which they were both completely devoted to, didn't recognize their marriage because they were divorced until the 1970's.
There are plenty of great men out there that have been married and they maraige ended due to no fault of thier own. (And the same can be said for divorced women too). You need to open your eyes to what's out there. if yo keep having these close minded views on men you'r gonna be alone for a long time.
Dude. Susan, one of the things that made your grandparents' second marriage such a great match was the fact that BOTH were divorcees. BOTH had been thru the big weddings and the first time experiences of marriage so there was no unevenness or any less experienced partner feeling insecure about being less experienced than the other. Also BOTH had been thru terrible marriage experiences to not fault of their own. They could relate and had that big thing in common. In a way it sounds like a more hardcore version of the Brady bunch. Your grandparents' story is NOT the same as a never-married person like Kelly marrying a divorcee. Don't you get it?
I don't think dating/marrying a divorcee is a bad idea if you yourself are divorced too, in fact I think it's a better idea than dating a "marriage-virgin" of sorts. Likewise I think it's a good idea for women with prior kids to date men with prior kids as opposed to "parenting-virgins" who might not understand nor want all the baggage that comes with kids and baby daddy drama. I think people should seek out people in similar circumstances so they can understand and relate to each others baggage.
But Kelly is not a divorcee nor has kids. And she doesnt want to be subjected to the baggage that often comes with a person who is a divorcee and/or has a baby moma. And she shouldn't have to feel shes "wrong" to not want to.
kthnx
03-05-2011, 08:47 AM
I think you're filtering out almost the whole normal over 35 male population. I don't think you will find any normal straight guy who will meet all your criteria. Why not just get out and meet people and find someone you like? You could look forever if you are trying to find someone like a computer would and then actually like the person. Normal guys have relationships and often kids by the time they reach middle age. When you're done with all your filtering you will probably find mostly dorks that play video games all the time and live with mommy.
Fuuuuuuck that shit!!! Yea the majority of decent guys have had kids by 40 but that doesn't mean Kelly should feel obligated to take on baby momma drama, child support drama, and feel like an inexperienced dork in comparison to someone who has already been "been there, done that" with all the things Kelly still wants to try for the first time. If Kelly doesn't want a divorcee and/or father she can always date a lil younger to expand her options, which she said she might start considering.
Kelly, I never had the time to comment on the original content of this thread, before the divorced/marriage debate started. I think it's shitty he didn't contact you nor respond to the cards you sent. I also think the profile thing is kinda shitty and shows some of his true colors...not the fact that he HAS a profile being shitty, but the stuff he put on it. Overall I think this shows that he has moved on, perhaps mentioned that he wants a single mom becuz he's trying out new things, and that it's really good you're moving on too. Then again I think maybe the reason hes trying new things like the single mom thing could be because he WAS in love with you at some point, but realized he ruined that and thus had to move on, and is now looking for people that are different from you so he can start fresh and not have a reminder of you. But either way I'm glad you're moving on. While I was happy for you loving him last yr (when you guys were still together) becuz it meant you being happy and a possibity of marriage that you wanted, I kinda pictured this guy being whiny and Emo. He always claimed he needed to get over his issues...seemed to have a lot of issues with trifling things like French kissing, thinking women Whine too much, etc...he sounds emo and very immature. But I'm really glad you've moved on.
It's amazing the way simple online profiles can expose people to be jerks or frauds, isn't it? I recall yrs back when an online profile showed a socalled bf to be cheating, which explained his aloofness, that he was never planning to actually break up with me but just leave me hanging for god knows How long. I ended up finally standing up for myself by exposing him as a jerk in a very humiliating public way, and some people hated me for it even tho he was the one in the wrong. Losers. I think society is still a lil sexist so they dont perceive a dude cheating or womanizing to be a "problem". Fuck that notion.
Kellydancer
03-05-2011, 11:28 AM
It's fine that you have certain very high standards about who you date. It may be unrealistic, but whatever. However, the issue that I have is that you are implying that the majority of divorced people or non-Christians are morally vacant and/or lazy about relationships. I find it amazing and sad that someone who worked in the sex industry is so close-minded and judgmental about such a large segment of the population. Including me, and quite a few of the members on this board. I'm not divorced, but I sure as hell am not Christian. I'm getting married in a few months, and I'm pretty sure that me being Pagan is not going to result in a divorce because I "wasn't serious about marriage."
I don't care that other people have a different view of religion. I am fine with differing viewpoints. What upsets me is when people think I should settle for whatever I can find even though my values are different than theirs (not better, just different).
Kellydancer
03-05-2011, 11:35 AM
I gotta comment on a few things. First I find some value in several diff viewpoints. Camateur said most never-married guys in their 40s may be that way becuz they choose to stay that way. Good point. I went thru this with a guy in his 40s who many friends, and now me, believe will never want to marry. We broke up After more than 2yrs becuz of this. I saw break up as a blessing in disguise becuz now I was free to meet someone who did want marriage. This ex had MANY ex gfs who also got exasperated with him due to being too slow to move forwaRd with marriage + babies so this pattern shows it was HIM. And yea he was the kinda guy who appeared to have the "whole package"...gorgeous, smart, high end job, owned property, sweet, liked animals, was generous to small children, etc...it made u wonder why he hadnt been married yet til u found out he'd had many chances to but chose not to.
Then again, I also agree with Kelly that many divorces show a LACK of commitment from the guy. E.g., mebbe for the guy, the marriage was an obligation he didn't feel emotionally ready for but felt he had to do becuz of pressure from his girl or family or becuz of a pregnancy. So yea it can go either way.
Kelly, I agree a little with your decision to drop some high standards bur I also disagree a lil with it too. First i like considering the younger guy thing because that reduces the possibility that may I
Increase the chances that he's a good catch AND wants to get married. Guys in their 30s are younger than you but still old enough to be mature and ready to settle down. A few guys after my ex, I started considering guys who were 3yrs younger than me if they had all the other things I was looking for becuz I did t want to lose out on a catch just becuz of age. In other words, I'd gladly take a somewhat younger guy with a career and a good sense of responsibility, than a guy slightly older who has loss-custody issues and has had q recent string of duis.
So while I agree with lowering some high standards such as the age thing, I don't really like the considering unattractive guys thing. If you're falling for a guy, you will perceive him to be attractive in some quirky way to you; I think that's what you were doing with the last guy, you even wrote that a few times on this site. If a guy STILL appears hideous to you after really getting to know him, then perhaps it's a sign that you're not really in love with him. Also, I gotta be honest. Some might want to throw rotten tomatoes at me for this but, I found that the whole "ugly guys treat you better and arent full of themselves" thing is a crock of shit. The guys that treated me the worst were unattractive guys. They were insecure of their lesser looks and they acted controlling and possessive and jealous in attempt to block me from possibly straying to a better guy...many times "controlling" became "abusive". Some were ugly becuz they had a sexist attitude that I the girl needed to look good while they, the guy, could get away with looking like crap...due to things like pigging out on junk food, not brushing their teeth or hair, dressing sloppy, etc. Obviously guys with this attitude also tended to be assholes and sexist and expect me to clean up after them.
I'm not saying you should hold out for a perfect 10 in the looks Dept (e.g., a somewhat overweigt guy might have a cute face or amazing eyes, so that type of guy would t be bad to consider), but don't go to the other extreme either and realize that if you see NOTHING attractive about the guy then that's a bad sign.
Sounds like you're moving on from the jerk an ready to meet new people. Good luck!
You make a lot of great points and I agree. I am considering younger men because I'm finding a lot of guys around 35 or so who are ready to marry. It feels weird dating younger but I have before and the younger guys I dated treated me far better. As for looks I like a weird look which isn't really considered hot but hot to me. He had a weird look but I found it attractive. I love nerdy type men.
TinkerBall
03-05-2011, 01:04 PM
Kelly we all have our opinions but we all want to see you finally happy. Go for it!!
Kisca
03-05-2011, 04:09 PM
Kelly, I know you are looking for marriage.. but why not consider having fun and dating anyone who has interest in you, or you in them? Including dads.. etc.
It could take 1-3 dates to realize whether you want to be with him, and whats the pain in going out with them? Im just saying, whatever you are looking for dont rely on 1 person, but keep all your options open. A small date and a free dinner wouldnt hurt, and after all you can see however many people you want whil looking for a hubby until it gets serious. I just think the more options you have the more it will get you to marriage.
SteveSmith
03-06-2011, 06:35 AM
Maybe deep down you don't want to be in a long term committed relationship (nothing wrong with that). You've been avoiding it all these years and now you're in a rush for something you don't really want so you pick relationships that are doomed to fail or you put so many expectations on a relationship that are almost impossible to fulfill (never married, no kids, Catholic) that you'll stay single forever and avoid a real commitment.
I just don't see how an attractive women with a great body can go through her 20s and 30s without falling in love with someone and have a go at marriage/children in that time. Maybe you really don't want kids or marriage but you feel pressured by society's expectations of you at your age. If you don't really want children/marriage, then don't worry yourself over it. Accept it and just enjoy life. :)
Susan-Va
03-06-2011, 08:18 AM
Dude. Susan, one of the things that made your grandparents' second marriage such a great match was the fact that BOTH were divorcees. BOTH had been thru the big weddings and the first time experiences of marriage so there was no unevenness or any less experienced partner feeling insecure about being less experienced than the other. Also BOTH had been thru terrible marriage experiences to not fault of their own. They could relate and had that big thing in common. In a way it sounds like a more hardcore version of the Brady bunch. Your grandparents' story is NOT the same as a never-married person like Kelly marrying a divorcee. Don't you get it?
I don't think dating/marrying a divorcee is a bad idea if you yourself are divorced too, in fact I think it's a better idea than dating a "marriage-virgin" of sorts. Likewise I think it's a good idea for women with prior kids to date men with prior kids as opposed to "parenting-virgins" who might not understand nor want all the baggage that comes with kids and baby daddy drama. I think people should seek out people in similar circumstances so they can understand and relate to each others baggage.
But Kelly is not a divorcee nor has kids. And she doesnt want to be subjected to the baggage that often comes with a person who is a divorcee and/or has a baby moma. And she shouldn't have to feel shes "wrong" to not want to.
Dude. I do get it. Maybe I should have stated it better but it was late at night when I posted. What I was trying to get across was that not all people who are divorced by thier fault or should be considered damaged goods if you will. I married my husband til death do us part but if I was put through something like what either one of my grandparents went through I'd get out of my marraige. They broke the vows, not me. And I would that I'd find someone afterwards that would make me as happyas they did each other, whether that person had been divorced or not.
Kellydancer
03-06-2011, 12:08 PM
Maybe deep down you don't want to be in a long term committed relationship (nothing wrong with that). You've been avoiding it all these years and now you're in a rush for something you don't really want so you pick relationships that are doomed to fail or you put so many expectations on a relationship that are almost impossible to fulfill (never married, no kids, Catholic) that you'll stay single forever and avoid a real commitment.
I just don't see how an attractive women with a great body can go through her 20s and 30s without falling in love with someone and have a go at marriage/children in that time. Maybe you really don't want kids or marriage but you feel pressured by society's expectations of you at your age. If you don't really want children/marriage, then don't worry yourself over it. Accept it and just enjoy life. :)
I didn't want it then, but want it now. I had many chances but didn't want it with those people. I don't think my requirements are that impossible because there are many never married childless Catholic men in my age range here.
Casual Observer
03-06-2011, 04:52 PM
firemaiden04: Plus, I can tell you that NO decent man will be okay dating a woman who wants to be with him just because she hates being single.
Indeed. Spent two years with a woman like this after undergrad. She thought marriage was going to fill the hole in her that would make her complete. I suggested professional help; she responded by making an ultimatum. I left two days later. No regrets dodging that bullet.
If you want to stick to your anachronistic religious dogma and warped worldview of how relationships are supposed to work in some vacuum of reality, that's cool--it's your right. You just need to be prepared to accept the consequences of those positions. You want to piss all over men and how they've wounded you and all that--that's cool. Misandry is a popular and accepted waste of time and a convenient scapegoat that doesn't require any self-reflection or introspection, which can be less than pleasant.
At the end of the day, however, it might do you and your future some good to take a look in the mirror and consider; the only consistent feature in all of your dissatisfying relationships is you.
Kellydancer
03-06-2011, 05:20 PM
I've had many wonderful relationships so no this is NOT me, it's him. I am prepared to be alone if I don't find what I want but I truly feel I can find the type of guy I want. They exist even at my age contrary to what some thing. In fact there are many guys like this out here and I know a few or know guys who married later. It's not an outdated view of religion to think divorce isn't something I want to deal with, it's reality. Guys who are divorced with baby mama drama (or worse never married dads) aren't guys I plan to get involved with.
Kelly, I know you are looking for marriage.. but why not consider having fun and dating anyone who has interest in you, or you in them? Including dads.. etc.
It could take 1-3 dates to realize whether you want to be with him, and whats the pain in going out with them? Im just saying, whatever you are looking for dont rely on 1 person, but keep all your options open. A small date and a free dinner wouldnt hurt, and after all you can see however many people you want whil looking for a hubby until it gets serious. I just think the more options you have the more it will get you to marriage.
I won't date dads because even just one date would be bad and a waste of time knowing I can't get serious with them. The only exception would be if they only like me as a friend but this isn't likely. However, I am planning on dating multiple men until I find the one.
You go on dates because they are fun, the grand majority of them are going to be wastes of time if you only consider a good date the one that finds you a husband.
KS_Stevia
03-06-2011, 06:03 PM
I just don't see how an attractive women with a great body can go through her 20s and 30s without falling in love with someone and have a go at marriage/children in that time. Maybe you really don't want kids or marriage but you feel pressured by society's expectations of you at your age. If you don't really want children/marriage, then don't worry yourself over it. Accept it and just enjoy life. :)
What does this have to do w anything? Plenty of ugly women w poor bodies marry and have kids, just as many as the hot ones.
Some of us haven't found the right person and can't have children. Make sense? ::)
Kellydancer
03-06-2011, 10:05 PM
What does this have to do w anything? Plenty of ugly women w poor bodies marry and have kids, just as many as the hot ones.
Some of us haven't found the right person and can't have children. Make sense? ::)
Yes! I get so tired of men saying "you are hot you have no problem finding men". Wrong. So many attractive women have no trouble finding men but not quality men. I couldn't begin to mention all the men who thought I was hot and only thought of me as a fuckbuddy. Yes, many men only think of pretty women as that, especially if she's a stripper.
Speaking of which, I get so tired of this idea that people left over after 30 or so must be rejects. Not true at all. I've met many great men over 40 who have never been married and they wanted to. Many were shy or work obsessed or just never met the right one. When we get down to it who's a better prize: a man with multiple divorces and or kids with many women or a guy never married because he refused to rush into marriage and be divorced like his friends?
jack0177057
03-07-2011, 12:03 PM
What does this have to do w anything? Plenty of ugly women w poor bodies marry and have kids, just as many as the hot ones.
Some of us haven't found the right person and can't have children. Make sense? ::)
Not that I agree with SteveSmith, but I think the assumption is, that if you're a hot girl (like an 8.5 - 10), you can walk up to any guy and say - "Hey guy, if you have a girlfriend call her up right now and dump her, because I want you to take me out this Friday." - and any guy with a pulse will respond with prompt and unquestionable obedience.
Does it not work that way?
Kellydancer
03-07-2011, 12:16 PM
Not that I agree with SteveSmith, but I think the assumption is, that if you're a hot girl (like an 8.5 - 10), you can walk up to any guy and say - "Hey guy, if you have a girlfriend call her up right now and dump her, because I want you to take me out this Friday." - and any guy with a pulse will respond with prompt and unquestionable obedience.
Does it not work that way?
Unfortunately not. First off, all guys have their own taste and I may not appeal to every guy and neither does all women. Second, many men are wary of attractive women and automatically put them in the sex only file. I've known far more attractive women alone in life than ugly women. In fact many of the Ziegfeld girls (the hot girls of their day) never married.
jack0177057
03-07-2011, 04:07 PM
^ Yeah, I was just being facetious... Its not easy for anybody to find a SO... unless you have low standards (not just with regards to attractiveness, but with regards to personality, intelligence, motivation, etc.) and are willing to put up with anybody.
If you believe that there is only one person out there destined to be with you, then you just have to step back, relax, and let destiny do its job.
When I've been really lonely and longing to find a SO (not just fuck buddy), it hasn't happened..., but when I've just had a "fuck it, who cares" attitude, I've met some wonderful women, including my GF.
Just go on a hiatus. Stop worrying about finding a SO,... Improve your life, move to a bigger more cosmopolitan city, find an occupation you enjoy, start new hobbies, make new friends (lots of them), etc. Keep your social calendar full, but don't pressure yourself to meet anyone "special".
Kellydancer
03-07-2011, 04:47 PM
I'm actually going to do some more activities soon such as volunteering at church and joining a sports team for fun. I'm also going to go to a singles group in the spring as well. I dn't know how much I believe in the one person for everyone theory because how come people get divorced or never find anyone? However, I feel we all have a potential soulmate if we meet at the right time. I was so sure this guy was my soulmate.
The low standards is something people overlook but it's true. I've known people who literally took anyone to have a SO. If I wanted a guy with kids, a far slob or a chauvinist I would have someone. However my standards are higher than that.