View Full Version : He has an online profile!
jack0177057
03-08-2011, 11:28 AM
In my 38 years, I've only met two women I'd be willing marry... One I married and divorced. The other, I haven't married, yet... So, tecnically, I guess I don't believe in the one soulmate theory, either.
But, I do believe that finding that person is something you just have to let happen by itself. In the meantime, you cannot worry about it too much... But, on the other hand, I know people that never leave their house and complain about being alone. You have to be out there and give yourself lots of exposure. I think you're doing the right thing.
Kellydancer
03-08-2011, 01:15 PM
I had a friend like that who did nothing but sit around the house. I told her that unless her soulmate is the pizza man she will not find anyone. I get out quite a bit (not as much now because winter is awful here) and meet a lot of people.
Surprise
03-08-2011, 04:24 PM
If someone didn't think seriously about marriage why should I be their next victim?
YOU are not thinking seriously about marriage. :(
Kellydancer
03-08-2011, 08:25 PM
YOU are not thinking seriously about marriage. :(
Yes I definitely am. I don't and will not marry a dad but am looking at single men. I take divorce and marriage seriously, unlike most people
Kellydancer
03-08-2011, 09:55 PM
Ok here's a strange and sad update. I was on Facebook and noticed he was on there. Next thing I know he's offline. Long story short he unfriended me! So I called him and left a nasty message on his phone along with sending him an email asking why he did this. I just want to know why he did this.
Kellydancer
03-08-2011, 10:42 PM
^You should have unfriended him and deleted his number, address, AND email a long time ago.
And you DEFINITELY should not have called or emailed him.
Just delete and block all that stuff and save yourself the heartache and the drama that comes from being in contact with this guy.
If he unfriended you... it's probably because he no longer wishes to have contact with/share his life with you and you should leave it at that.
You are right. I guess I was just upset when I saw him unfriended me. I know I can do better but I get scared wondering if I will. The sad thing is I lost a friend over this and that hurts a lot. If we had just kept it friends I wonder if things would have been better.
Kellydancer
03-08-2011, 11:03 PM
I think part of it is because I am in love with a fantasy. He's not like that now. I will find better and once spring comes I am hitting the singles groups. He's put me through so much crap this year. I never allow myself to get this upset over a guy.
mediocrity
03-08-2011, 11:41 PM
You know, before I never put a lot of thought to these things, but have you ever seen the movie He's Just Not That Into You? There's a quote in there that says "If a man wants to date you, he will find a way to make it happen", and I happen to agree.
My current husband is my second husband, and he says he's never felt "unbalanced" even though I'm his first wife- however that may be a female thing that I don't understand. Also- I left my first husband because in short, our relationship was a total shit storm. I'm glad someone gave me a chance despite being divorced, but I've noticed you only seem to be demonizing the male in the divorce. Why is that?
Getting married just to be married is empty. The wedding is only one day. The marriage is forever.
Kellydancer
03-08-2011, 11:50 PM
You know, before I never put a lot of thought to these things, but have you ever seen the movie He's Just Not That Into You? There's a quote in there that says "If a man wants to date you, he will find a way to make it happen", and I happen to agree.
My current husband is my second husband, and he says he's never felt "unbalanced" even though I'm his first wife- however that may be a female thing that I don't understand. Also- I left my first husband because in short, our relationship was a total shit storm. I'm glad someone gave me a chance despite being divorced, but I've noticed you only seem to be demonizing the male in the divorce. Why is that?
Getting married just to be married is empty. The wedding is only one day. The marriage is forever.
Haven't seen you here in awhile. Sounds like your marriage is going great. I don't really demonize men, it's just that in most of the cases the men I know divorced for stupid reasons like their wife got fat. For me the divorce thing is because of religion and I would marry someone who had an annulment but not divorced. It's something I feel strongly about. I want to be married to my soulmate but yes I want to be married because it is forever. I haven't seen that movie nor read the book (don't believe in those books) but I realize I've been pursuing a guy who didn't want me. For some reason the guys that pursue me (and I've never had a problem with getitng guys pursuing me)are guys I don't want.
mediocrity
03-09-2011, 05:16 AM
Haven't seen you here in awhile. Sounds like your marriage is going great. I don't really demonize men, it's just that in most of the cases the men I know divorced for stupid reasons like their wife got fat. For me the divorce thing is because of religion and I would marry someone who had an annulment but not divorced. It's something I feel strongly about. I want to be married to my soulmate but yes I want to be married because it is forever. I haven't seen that movie nor read the book (don't believe in those books) but I realize I've been pursuing a guy who didn't want me. For some reason the guys that pursue me (and I've never had a problem with getitng guys pursuing me)are guys I don't want.
I made the last remark because earlier in the thread I saw you state that a) you just wanted to be married and b) you'd even settle for an unhappy marriage as long as you were in one. Having lived on both sides of the fence (an unhappy marriage and a happy one) living in an unhappy marriage is the closest thing to hell my atheist ass will ever get. It truly is terrible.
But hey- I know a lot of women who got divorced for "stupid" reasons as well. You and your partner have to decide what's important in your specific relationship.
Surprise
03-09-2011, 10:16 AM
Yes I definitely am. I don't and will not marry a dad but am looking at single men. I take divorce and marriage seriously, unlike most people
you are making no sense. you are thinking about GETTING married, and to whomever, and THAT is not thinking seriously about marriage.
i am seriously disappointed to read these postings. you made a post awhile back saying you were over it and moving on cause you were better than him, only to come back saying you were miserable and alone and wanted to marry the first man who would have you. that SUCKS, Kelly! :( I understand your biological clock is ticking, but jeez.
Kellydancer
03-09-2011, 12:57 PM
I'd rather have a happy marriage but that may not be an option for me. I suspect it would have been earlier. Yes I admit I never wanted marriage until reconnecting with him. Maybe once this disappears I won't care anymore.
jack0177057
03-09-2011, 05:07 PM
^ I don't see why your so smitten with this guy. Please don't take offense, but, based on everything you've said about him in past posts, he sounds like a total loser. Maybe the only reason you are so attracted to him is because he played "hard to get" with you and made you chase him.
There's lots of better options for you out there.
Kellydancer
03-09-2011, 05:12 PM
^ I don't see why your so smitten with this guy. Please don't take offense, but, based on everything you've said about him in past posts, he sounds like a total loser. Maybe the only reason you are so attracted to him is because he played "hard to get" with you and made you chase him.
There's lots of better options for you out there.
My mom says the same thing. He has nothing to offer, he doesn't make much money, he's homely and fat, and he lives with his mom (mostly because he loves living with her, not just finances). He hasn't treated me well the entire time we were going out, mostly him telling me he didn't want to get married or him spending hours playing video games. I think part of it was I was hooked on the idea of him because he was never married, childless and Catholic, though I've found several other guys fitting this too and better guys.
Actually when I told my mom what he did by blocking me her response was "good I hope he never contacts you again". Both her and my dad (they met him before) hate him. They hated him before he pulled all his evil tricks and the hate got worse once he got meaner.
firemaiden04
03-09-2011, 05:25 PM
My mom says the same thing. He has nothing to offer, he doesn't make much money, he's homely and fat, and he lives with his mom (mostly because he loves living with her, not just finances). He hasn't treated me well the entire time we were going out, mostly him telling me he didn't want to get married or him spending hours playing video games. I think part of it was I was hooked on the idea of him because he was never married, childless and Catholic, though I've found several other guys fitting this too and better guys.
Actually when I told my mom what he did by blocking me her response was "good I hope he never contacts you again". Both her and my dad (they met him before) hate him. They hated him before he pulled all his evil tricks and the hate got worse once he got meaner.
...So after you had such a horrible experience with this guy, why did it make you WANT to get married? Especially the part where you admitted you don't really care if it's a happy marriage or not? Would you really WANT to be stuck with a guy like that forever?
Kellydancer
03-09-2011, 05:32 PM
Because I don't want to be alone when I get older and the biological clock (though I am losing interest in having kids naturally).
jack0177057
03-09-2011, 07:06 PM
^ You're really putting too much pressure on yourself... You're very far from being "old"... Also, I've met women in their 40s that have kids...
Kisca
03-09-2011, 08:02 PM
Yeah you are putting yourself into much stress!
Forget that guy. Its good he blocked you, you shouldnt have called him... It just made you seem desperate and wanting him in his eyes. Be happy --- move on. Dont pressure yourself too much. Start dating, having fun. Keep MOST of your options open, even the ones that you dont want as much.. THe more the better, than less than nothing.
I hope I didnt sound rude. I didnt intend to. I wish you all the best and hope you dont stress or struggle with emotions over this loser. He is a loser, and you dont deserve him.. you deserve to be happy.
Kellydancer
03-09-2011, 09:28 PM
Jack and Kisca (no you don't sound rude) you are both right. I am putting too much pressure on me when I shouldn't. I know I probably still have a few years to have kids but am fine adopting. There are many single men I just need to find them. A family friend years ago found a never married childless Catholic man at church and he's perfect. They don't have kids (I suspect she never wanted any) but he is a great guy who didn't marry until he was 50 because he was working on his career (college professor).
Mr Hyde
03-11-2011, 03:53 PM
Ok here's a strange and sad update. I was on Facebook and noticed he was on there. Next thing I know he's offline. Long story short he unfriended me! So I called him and left a nasty message on his phone along with sending him an email asking why he did this. I just want to know why he did this.
I know this is several days old....but wow...Kelly, come on...why do you care? Everything you've posted about this guy screams "LOSER"...and even if he was the be all and end all of men, he's just not in to you. You really need to do something symbolic to move past this. It's not healthy.
I've never seen you post a pic, but you say you're attractive. You sound halfway intelligent in most of what you post. Unless you have Minnie Mouse's voice, or are some clingy shrew, you should have guys lining up.
Get out there and find more guys. This one is gonzo and you shouldn't care.
Kellydancer
03-11-2011, 09:57 PM
I'm going to a singles group this spring (actually several) so I should meet a great guy, but my problem is I never seem to meet guys I like. Oh sure I can find many guys and never lack of one, but the guys I like don't often approach me whereas guys that repulse me (hairy fat guys)do. Perhaps I'll meet a great guy in one of these singles groups.
Kelly, you haven't had any luck with the guys you like. The guys you like kinda well, suck. Eventually you are going to have to realize that the only common denominator to all your relationships is you and adjust your thinking because so far what you are doing and who you are going after has been a complete disaster. I'm not saying that you should date hairy fat guys, only that if the guys you normally go for haven't worked out so far maybe you need to change that.
Kellydancer
03-13-2011, 09:07 PM
Kelly, you haven't had any luck with the guys you like. The guys you like kinda well, suck. Eventually you are going to have to realize that the only common denominator to all your relationships is you and adjust your thinking because so far what you are doing and who you are going after has been a complete disaster. I'm not saying that you should date hairy fat guys, only that if the guys you normally go for haven't worked out so far maybe you need to change that.
I don't get why the guys I like don't like me whereas guys who like me I have no interest in. I have no idea why this is so. I am not clingy AT ALL. I am attractive and nice but I could be at an event with 10 guys, 9 could be in love with me, yet I want the 1 guy who doesn't want me. I've decided that I will date the next guy who loves me even if I don't love him. Meanwhile I can look for someone else I want but date the first guy. If no one else wants me then I guess I stay with guy #1.
Oh and I've had many normal relationships where I loved my boyfriends.
Amy Lee
03-13-2011, 09:31 PM
What an a**hole...
Kellydancer
03-13-2011, 10:42 PM
Please have some self respect Kelly and don't ever call him or email him again... you probably just looked crazy and bitter to him. And the reason he unfriended you on facebook should be OBVIOUS-- he did not want to stay in contact with you anymore. One of the first things I did when my ex broke up with me was remove him off facebook. I didn't want to be tempted to stay in touch with him and I didn't want to torture myself wondering what he was doing, rather I focused on myself and my own life.
More importantly, why would you want to stay in touch with someone who evaluated his relationship with you, and decided that he was better off without you in his life? Don't torture yourself. Focus your energies into more productive and constructive things.
I do stalk him via Google to see what he's doing. So far nothing else but I stalk the sites he goes to. I am not going to contact him again. Instead I am going to concentrate on a man I can use I mean "date". I really don't feel I will find another man I even want to be with, which is sad but life. I just feel bad that this means the end of the friendship.
firemaiden04
03-14-2011, 12:08 AM
I do stalk him via Google to see what he's doing. So far nothing else but I stalk the sites he goes to.
Why? Why would you do that? You sound like an extreme masochist, glutton for punishment, etc. Your obsession with this guy and what he's doing is absolutely toxic, and it will never do ANYTHING for you. You have no control over him or his life. All you control is your own reaction to him. And right now, you're becoming a stereotypical obsessive, creepy, psycho-stalker ex-girlfriend. And you didn't even actually date this guy! You're making yourself completely miserable, which is not only very, very bad for you on every level, but it will also hinder any chance you have of meeting anyone else, which seems to be your number one concern (though it really shouldn't be; it's not fair to any guy to be your rebound). No halfway-decent guy is going to be interested in someone who started online-stalking a loser who blew her off awhile ago because she can't get over him.
The question is, can you not get over him because he's this really great catch (you've said time and again that he is anything BUT a great catch; in fact, you've gone on about how much of a loser he is), or is it because he wasn't interested? I had a friend like that. Her boyfriend dumped her, and it was the first time it had ever happened to her, because she'd always been the one doing the dumping the instant she suspected he was considering breaking things off. It was a control thing for her. And when she didn't see it coming and got dumped, she got crazy obsessed with him and started online stalking him and all his friends, causing major drama. It was like five years ago, and she's still not over him. Not because of HIM, but because he took away her control and she couldn't stand it. It ruined all her relationships since then because she couldn't let go. And the quality of her boyfriends severely deteriorated.
You seriously need to get your head on straight and realize how much damage you're doing to yourself. You're letting this douchebag you didn't even DATE affect you to such an extreme that you've contemplated intentionally screwing guys over just to get back at....him? To get back at everyone with a penis? The former doesn't make any logical sense because it will NEVER affect him, and the latter is emo and immature and unrealistic.
Seriously, get a grip and stop obsessing over this guy. The more you stalk him, the worse it's going to get. You'll never be able to move on as long as you're creating fake facebook accounts and googling him however many times a day. Plus, if you start harassing him online, depending on where he lives he can take legal action against you. They are beginning to take that more and more seriously.
Kellydancer
03-14-2011, 12:13 AM
Actually I did date him. If I hadn't I would have let him go far earlier. I seriously doubt I will find another guy anyway which is why I stalk him. I'll likely find a guy who I have zero interest in so I am fine with him being the rebound guy. I am fine with using a guy to my advantage because I will never let this happen to me again. I want presents from men again and since I will never fall in love again using men is the next best thing.
People don't understand why I feel hurt but partly because he fits my requirements. There aren't a lot of decent men at my age and I thought he was decent. Of course I was wrong but still hurts.
4everresolutions
03-14-2011, 12:55 AM
^ Really? No more decent, single, childless catholic men who would date you left in the whole Chicago area? That's doubtful. Lots of people in Chicago. Lots of people in Illinois, if it comes to that.
I get that you're hurt. But I think you should reserve your assumptions to not finding a good man until after you actually actively looked. Like, give it a year. You haven't really looked because you're not in the city.
If you've tried the singles groups, the church, dating websites, networking friends, speed dating, etc for at least 12-18 months in a metro city and STILL can't find someone who meets your ideals who you really like - then it's fine to say you won't likely fall in love again.
Right now - I think it's too soon to judge.
Kisca
03-14-2011, 01:24 AM
Actually I did date him. If I hadn't I would have let him go far earlier. I seriously doubt I will find another guy anyway which is why I stalk him. I'll likely find a guy who I have zero interest in so I am fine with him being the rebound guy. I am fine with using a guy to my advantage because I will never let this happen to me again. I want presents from men again and since I will never fall in love again using men is the next best thing.
People don't understand why I feel hurt but partly because he fits my requirements. There aren't a lot of decent men at my age and I thought he was decent. Of course I was wrong but still hurts.
Open up and start dating. Dont worry whether they are divorced or whatever. If he's a great guy, it shouldnt matter. Focus on the enjoyment of dating and learning. Start off by having a netural line over every guy.. not postive, not negative. Dont go into a whole "Im going to make men pay" state.. What flaky did, was his own actions, you cant control them. He deleted you, ok so he doesnt want to be in contact with you. Forget it and move on. Its better that you dont talk to him or else you will be stuck on him. As soon as you stop internet stalking him the easier it will be for you to get on with finding other partners and having no regret or negative reactions in the dating world. Forget him, stop stalking him, he is a loser.... He probably just wants to be left alone. So let him be, move on
mediocrity
03-14-2011, 03:10 AM
Actually I did date him. If I hadn't I would have let him go far earlier. I seriously doubt I will find another guy anyway which is why I stalk him. I'll likely find a guy who I have zero interest in so I am fine with him being the rebound guy. I am fine with using a guy to my advantage because I will never let this happen to me again. I want presents from men again and since I will never fall in love again using men is the next best thing.
People don't understand why I feel hurt but partly because he fits my requirements. There aren't a lot of decent men at my age and I thought he was decent. Of course I was wrong but still hurts.
I don't understand how he was everything you wanted; because from the way you've described him, he sounds like an ambition-less, ugly, fat, sexually incompetent mama's boy. How is that "decent"?
4everresolutions
03-14-2011, 03:36 AM
^ He fit the qualifications of: Catholic, unmarried and childless.
There are more men out there who fit that description too. Good looking, nice, smart men.
I don't get why the guys I like don't like me whereas guys who like me I have no interest in.
You have this completely backwards. You don't like them because they want you, you like the ones that don't want you. It's the not wanting you part that is attracting you to them. There is absolutely no other reason for why an attractive nice not clingy girl would be so totally obsessed with an unemployed fat loser still living at home, other than because he shut you down. FIX THAT.
firemaiden04
03-14-2011, 08:56 AM
I seriously doubt I will find another guy anyway which is why I stalk him.
You are ensuring that you WON'T find another guy by stalking this one. You're shooting yourself in the foot.
I'll likely find a guy who I have zero interest in so I am fine with him being the rebound guy. I am fine with using a guy to my advantage because I will never let this happen to me again. I want presents from men again and since I will never fall in love again using men is the next best thing.
This is ridiculous. Your goal is to become a user just because some dude screwed you over. You should be ashamed of yourself for this--this makes you no better than them. I don't get people who hold grudges against all people of one gender because a couple fucked them over. My ex beat and raped me, and you don't see me taking it out on everyone with a penis. It's ridiculous to expect that this will somehow enact revenge on this guy. In fact, if he finds out about your sexist rampage, he'll probably get a swelled head: "Hey, this chick was so into me she couldn't take my disinterest, and now she's ruining her life." He is now effectively ruling everything you do in your life, because you're doing it with him in mind.
People don't understand why I feel hurt but partly because he fits my requirements. There aren't a lot of decent men at my age and I thought he was decent. Of course I was wrong but still hurts.
You've said sooooooo many times that he was a loser. You really wanted to marry him, just because he was Catholic and childless? Seriously? You think it's better to be in an unhappy relationship than single? Think again. Nothing in this world ages you quicker than a bad relationship. And when you marry them and make it legally binding--THEN you're really screwed. You seem to have this weird fantasy about marriage, that it will solve all your problems. It won't. In fact, it will make them all ten times worse. It's really, really unfair that you have this vendetta against men just cause one guy wasn't that into you. You're making yourself into a mean, vindictive, selfish person. Why the hell would you let him do that to you?
Kellydancer
03-14-2011, 11:46 AM
^ Really? No more decent, single, childless catholic men who would date you left in the whole Chicago area? That's doubtful. Lots of people in Chicago. Lots of people in Illinois, if it comes to that.
I get that you're hurt. But I think you should reserve your assumptions to not finding a good man until after you actually actively looked. Like, give it a year. You haven't really looked because you're not in the city.
If you've tried the singles groups, the church, dating websites, networking friends, speed dating, etc for at least 12-18 months in a metro city and STILL can't find someone who meets your ideals who you really like - then it's fine to say you won't likely fall in love again.
Right now - I think it's too soon to judge.
I'm actually going to try all of those things this spring because I feel this timebomb. By that I mean many men will be snatched up soon (people marry later in the city). I have no explanation why this guy is someone I want. After all I rejected him many years ago.
There is one thing I have noticed when I date and that is often I fall for a guy once I get to know him. My best ex was a great guy didn't feel muc for him. Then we dated and I fell in love. We broke up as friends.
KS_Stevia
03-14-2011, 10:03 PM
Yo, spring is here, its March, get crackin mama. Its cold up in Chi still but its not like you're buried under a glaciar in your igloo. Start those activities NOW. Church is every Sunday, right? Bible study is during the week, correct? Don't most churches also have volunteer and social groups.
Carpe mufuckin diem!
I wasted months of my life obssessed w an ex. Really, you'll look back at that wasted time w the most regrets.
she sells sanctuary
03-14-2011, 10:05 PM
You have this completely backwards. You don't like them because they want you, you like the ones that don't want you. It's the not wanting you part that is attracting you to them. There is absolutely no other reason for why an attractive nice not clingy girl would be so totally obsessed with an unemployed fat loser still living at home, other than because he shut you down. FIX THAT.
ugh. i really hate this cliche. she liked him because things seemed good at first. that's why. she's not into him because he jerked her around and ditched her. she's frustrated and hurt that he jerked her around and ditched her after he had been sweet and gotten her to fall for him in the first place.
i had a similar situation with a guy a few years ago. i actually dropped a lot of people out of my life for saying that i just liked him because he was a jerk. no. not even close. i fell for him because he was sweet, so that it actually hurt when he disappeared. usually if i go out with a guy and he disappears, i just shrug it off and don't care. i'll assume they weren't any more into me than i was them. oh well. that one guy made me feel like he was really into me, and i was really into him. that's why it hurt so bad.
and it was also because he just plain disappeared. hell, i initially worried that something happened to him, because he was so into me. or so i thought. then i told myself that he was scared. it took a long time to just accept that some guys just disappear. whether it's because they're jerks who play with girls hearts for fun, or they're fucked up and crazy, or they met someone they like more, or they're too cowardly to tell you they lost interest. it doesn't matter why they disappear. ultimately, women have to be strong enough to walk away, regardless of the reason, out of self-respect. i actually had a lot of self-respect at the time. i was just being stupid. now, i'm a lot more black and white about it. and if a good guy accidently gets hurt, oh well. i guess i'll have to risk it.
Kellydancer
03-14-2011, 10:28 PM
Right, I liked him because he used to be a sweet guy. If he had been mean to me years ago I wouldn't have given him a second shot. I don't give mean guys a chance at all.
The guys that normally like me aren't good guys, which is sad. The whole stereotype of the nice guys being rejected isn't that common because the guys I reject usually have things I don't like, for instance they are racist, or chauvinist or have kids (these are usually good guys, just not for me). It's not like I am rejecting great guys generally. Sure, I did reject a few based on looks, which isn't right, but if they repulsed me (and most did) I doubt that will change.
I am going to volunteer at church which will be fun. This is mostly older people but I will meet people and maybe someone knows someone.
I don't know why I am obsessed with him because this is not me. Outside of his personality (which used to be good) he has little to offer.
deluxe.doll
03-15-2011, 12:09 AM
"i don't want a relationship" means "i don't want a relationship... with you." i learned it the hard way. it's not just him, most guys use that line. :/ i'm sorry.
Kellydancer
03-15-2011, 12:29 AM
"i don't want a relationship" means "i don't want a relationship... with you." i learned it the hard way. it's not just him, most guys use that line. :/ i'm sorry.
Sadly, yes. One thing I've learned from men is that even those who are the most anti marriage will marry. That's why when a guy says something like "I'll never marry" they mean either then or with that person. Next guy I date I am going to see what he says about things like this. If he says he's not looking for a relationship I won't give him more time. Sometimes they changed but often men know within a few minutes whether a woman is in the maybe or the definitely not pile.
Chgojoe
03-15-2011, 05:02 AM
If the OP was a guy and the object of affection was a girl I wonder how different all the advice would be? Kelly if you hadn't found his profile would you still be pursuing him as you were before finding the profile?
Many of the dancers I know single or married have a number of guys they keep out there via online or phone. They use the guys for drugs, money, rides, life support, etc, but not for relationships or sex. The guys all think they are just around the corner from a relationship but the girls only respond to the guys enough to keep them on the hook or when they need something. Im not criticizing that behavior, but I just don't see how this is so different.
Who here hasn't been in a relationship with someone. For whatever reason you know things aren't going to work out. You may be worried that if you give them a direct dose of reality about the situation that they may not react well. You ingore calls, make excuses, tell white lies, all in the hope that the other person will lose interest and move on. Every single time I have read posts about this guy that is the feeling that I had about the situation. Ive been on both ends of this, the older I get the quicker I get the signs if I am the one being dumped and the faster I move on. Kelly from all your posts you are a smart girl who has been around the block a few times, I just don't understand why the signs that he just wasn't interested in you wern't so evident. I never read posts where you described him making you lots of promises, only posts about him avoiding you.
You said you dumped him years ago, this entire thing may have been him giving you a dose of what he may have felt you gave him previously. That still isn't a valid reason to behave that way
Kelly I hope you take the time and get the necessary help to resolve why you have held on to the hopes of this relationship before getting into another one. Id hate to see you getting hurt again or hurting someone else due to unresolved issues and expectations. Many of the reasons you are giving for wanting to be married just don't seem all that healthy for long term happiness and success.
deluxe.doll
03-15-2011, 10:21 AM
^ i'm not sexist... i think it's wrong for a girl to be in a serious relationship and lead someone else on into thinking they're going to be in a relationship with them. whenever i've been dating someone and had someone else who wanted to take me out to get my nails done or take me out to dinner or whatever, i've always made it clear that we're FRIENDS. if they want to think more into it, that's on them.
Kellydancer
03-15-2011, 12:08 PM
I've never lead a man into thinking we would be more. Sometimes I would give it a chance when I didn't know, but otherwise I was upfront about things. I wasn't actively pursuing him, just that I thought we were friends and friends do things (not sexual). I never led him on years ago either. He knew I was coming out of a bad relationship.
lemiwinks31
03-15-2011, 01:45 PM
I know this has been mentioned before.....but maybe you should re-consider some of your "requirements." Just because someone has never been married, has no kids, and is Catholic........doesnt mean that they arent complete asshole losers....(as you have found out)
Meanwhile, there may be some divorced guy with kids who isnt that religious who is a GREAT guy and who you would be completely happy with.....
You will give Single, Childless, Catholic, Fat, Hairy asshole loser who will make you miserable a chance........but great guy who makes you happy......no chance. And you wonder why you are having problems....
I'm not saying that there arent any good guys your age that have never been married.........but by the time guys reach their 40s...there is usually a reason they havent been married.
And I'm willing to bet there are a lot MORE good guys that have been divorced. At the very least....it shows that they were able to commit to a relationship at one time..and someone thought enough of them to commit to them.
I think of my friends(i'm about your age...i think) that have been divorced....both got married pretty young....one was married for 8 years(now on about his 3rd serious gf since then, living together for 3 or 4 years)...one was married for 3 years(he got re-married at 36, been married for 5-6 years...2 cute kids...happy as hell)
As far as religion goes...you have your faith, why does it need to be his.. I can see it being a problem if you are a practicing catholic and he is a militant athiest.....but i think the majority of people are passive about their religion at best. If he can respect your beliefs, that should be all you need.
just some thoughts.
Kellydancer
03-15-2011, 01:54 PM
I know this has been mentioned before.....but maybe you should re-consider some of your "requirements." Just because someone has never been married, has no kids, and is Catholic........doesnt mean that they arent complete asshole losers....(as you have found out)
Meanwhile, there may be some divorced guy with kids who isnt that religious who is a GREAT guy and who you would be completely happy with.....
You will give Single, Childless, Catholic, Fat, Hairy asshole loser who will make you miserable a chance........but great guy who makes you happy......no chance. And you wonder why you are having problems....
I'm not saying that there arent any good guys your age that have never been married.........but by the time guys reach their 40s...there is usually a reason they havent been married.
And I'm willing to bet there are a lot MORE good guys that have been divorced. At the very least....it shows that they were able to commit to a relationship at one time..and someone thought enough of them to commit to them.
I think of my friends(i'm about your age...i think) that have been divorced....both got married pretty young....one was married for 8 years(now on about his 3rd serious gf since then, living together for 3 or 4 years)...one was married for 3 years(he got re-married at 36, been married for 5-6 years...2 cute kids...happy as hell)
As far as religion goes...you have your faith, why does it need to be his.. I can see it being a problem if you are a practicing catholic and he is a militant athiest.....but i think the majority of people are passive about their religion at best. If he can respect your beliefs, that should be all you need.
just some thoughts.
Those guys might be great guys, just not for me. I will never date a divorced man with kids, ever. Way too much drama. Atheist would not work for me either. I'm not saying he has to be Catholic, just a Christian (though not a strict one). A guy with kids and an ex wife would be a complete nightmare for me. No way am I sharing my money or my time with someone else's kids or exwife.
Personally, I would have more questions about a divorced dad than I would a guy never married after 40. Yes I know there are exceptions, but the biggest losers I've known were dads (divorced or never married). The guys I've known who were the most staunchy anti marriage were divorced men. I would question why a man couldn't keep his marriage together for the kids and would tell me he may not be serious about marriage.
Part of the reason I am strict about divorce is because I want a Catholic wedding. I will not accept anything less. Annulment is fine as long as he has no kids. I actually don't have a problem finding these guys, I found many a few years ago. Even browsing online I see several hundred on Match alone, not to mention the ones I've known personally.
mediocrity
03-15-2011, 05:53 PM
I know this has been mentioned before.....but maybe you should re-consider some of your "requirements." Just because someone has never been married, has no kids, and is Catholic........doesnt mean that they arent complete asshole losers....(as you have found out)
Meanwhile, there may be some divorced guy with kids who isnt that religious who is a GREAT guy and who you would be completely happy with.....
You will give Single, Childless, Catholic, Fat, Hairy asshole loser who will make you miserable a chance........but great guy who makes you happy......no chance. And you wonder why you are having problems....
I'm not saying that there arent any good guys your age that have never been married.........but by the time guys reach their 40s...there is usually a reason they havent been married.
And I'm willing to bet there are a lot MORE good guys that have been divorced. At the very least....it shows that they were able to commit to a relationship at one time..and someone thought enough of them to commit to them.
I think of my friends(i'm about your age...i think) that have been divorced....both got married pretty young....one was married for 8 years(now on about his 3rd serious gf since then, living together for 3 or 4 years)...one was married for 3 years(he got re-married at 36, been married for 5-6 years...2 cute kids...happy as hell)
As far as religion goes...you have your faith, why does it need to be his.. I can see it being a problem if you are a practicing catholic and he is a militant athiest.....but i think the majority of people are passive about their religion at best. If he can respect your beliefs, that should be all you need.
just some thoughts.
Exactly. My dad is not religious, but his wife is Catholic. Faith isn't centric to their relationship ( it's totally live and let live ), but if I squint I could see where faith could be important if you want a religious wedding.
Kelly, on the subject of staying together for the kids- let me give you a slice of what it was like for ME being a child in that situation (without being too personal).
My mother is a MONSTER, and that's putting it lightly. She abused me in every way imaginable behind my father's back; she was a stay at home mother and he worked full time. He never knew because I was too ashamed to say anything and most of the abuse didn't leave marks if you catch my drift. She also mentally terrorized him, made him feel worthless, broke him down to absolute MISERY. My sister and I HATED her, still do to this day... I even obtained paper work for a restraining order. I don't think I could hate another human being as much as I hate her.
He stayed married to her for the kids, because 1) he had no idea about the abuse and 2) he wanted us to have a normal, stable upbringing. He tried everything. They were married over 20 years... when SHE finally filed for divorce, (I was 18 and out of the house) my sister and I were THRILLED.
Either way, he and his second wife have been together almost a decade... and he's never been happier. But what makes me sad is that my father lived so much of his life in misery, even if he only did it to do right by my sister and I.
What this all means is you never know the circumstances. It would break my heart if my father never found his lady now, just because she wouldn't give him a chance for being divorced.
Kellydancer
03-15-2011, 09:30 PM
Exactly. My dad is not religious, but his wife is Catholic. Faith isn't centric to their relationship ( it's totally live and let live ), but if I squint I could see where faith could be important if you want a religious wedding.
Kelly, on the subject of staying together for the kids- let me give you a slice of what it was like for ME being a child in that situation (without being too personal).
My mother is a MONSTER, and that's putting it lightly. She abused me in every way imaginable behind my father's back; she was a stay at home mother and he worked full time. He never knew because I was too ashamed to say anything and most of the abuse didn't leave marks if you catch my drift. She also mentally terrorized him, made him feel worthless, broke him down to absolute MISERY. My sister and I HATED her, still do to this day... I even obtained paper work for a restraining order. I don't think I could hate another human being as much as I hate her.
He stayed married to her for the kids, because 1) he had no idea about the abuse and 2) he wanted us to have a normal, stable upbringing. He tried everything. They were married over 20 years... when SHE finally filed for divorce, (I was 18 and out of the house) my sister and I were THRILLED.
Either way, he and his second wife have been together almost a decade... and he's never been happier. But what makes me sad is that my father lived so much of his life in misery, even if he only did it to do right by my sister and I.
What this all means is you never know the circumstances. It would break my heart if my father never found his lady now, just because she wouldn't give him a chance for being divorced.
That's very sad, but still not the reason I don't date divorced dads. I don't want to be a step mom under any circumstances whatso ever. Even so, I doubt most divorces are situations where the man was abused or cheated on, it's usually the opposite. I don't care to know why a guy with kids got a divorce because I am not interested in being with him.
TinkerBall
03-15-2011, 11:11 PM
That's very sad, but still not the reason I don't date divorced dads. I don't want to be a step mom under any circumstances whatso ever. Even so, I doubt most divorces are situations where the man was abused or cheated on, it's usually the opposite. I don't care to know why a guy with kids got a divorce because I am not interested in being with him.
Do you have any facts to back you up that it's usually us guys that are unfaithful? You started this thread seemingly to get advice. So far you have blocked out a lot of good advice because of your assumptions and beliefs that seem more based on emotions than facts. Spring starts Sunday so check your rigid calendar. Who knows what would happen if you started looking before then like we might have snow flurries. The biggest mistake I made was not divorcing my wife when she went bad. She started doing serious drugs, became bipolar, cheated big time, and child protective services wanted her out of the house. Now she's mind dead in a long term care facility and the kids and I lost our house and have a lot of other problems. I stuck with her and she would have been probably better off if I divorced her. You should really stop judging people unless you are perfect. If I loved a woman with kids I would love her kids too because they are part of her. I work with computers but I would never use a spreadsheet to find someone like you do.
Kellydancer
03-15-2011, 11:34 PM
Do you have any facts to back you up that it's usually us guys that are unfaithful? You started this thread seemingly to get advice. So far you have blocked out a lot of good advice because of your assumptions and beliefs that seem more based on emotions than facts. Spring starts Sunday so check your rigid calendar. Who knows what would happen if you started looking before then like we might have snow flurries. The biggest mistake I made was not divorcing my wife when she went bad. She started doing serious drugs, became bipolar, cheated big time, and child protective services wanted her out of the house. Now she's mind dead in a long term care facility and the kids and I lost our house and have a lot of other problems. I stuck with her and she would have been probably better off if I divorced her. You should really stop judging people unless you are perfect. If I loved a woman with kids I would love her kids too because they are part of her. I work with computers but I would never use a spreadsheet to find someone like you do.
I am NOT judging anyone, I just don't want a man with kids of any sort. This is my requirement. And yes most of the guys I met did divorce for silly reasons like she got fat or he wanted to be with his girlfriend. Even if he's the victim (and yes I am aware some men are) if he has kids he's still not what I want. I don't want to be a stepmom of any sort. Like I said I would consider annulment but not divorced because he can't marry in the church and this is important to me. This part isn't the important one, the kids is. I don't want to be a stepmom AT ALL. I don't want my money to go towards his kids or hs exwife. I don't want dates to be canceled because of his kids. I don't want to be denied kids because he doesn't want anymore. All of these issues have happened to friends of mine or guys I dated who did have kids.
Will I give a man with kids who was divorced a chance? Nope. The only way I'd give a man with kids a chance is if he's raising kids not his own (like nieces/nephews) or adopted as a single father. Otherwise, no. This is why I ask right away whether he has kids. Would I give a divorced man without kids a chance? Possibly depending on the reasons but this is not my first choice and would depend on the marriage (long versus short, civil versus church, etc).
Btw, the reason I was waiting until the spring is because the singles group is about 45minutes- 1 hour from me. I don't like to drive in snow due to a past accident.
Kellydancer
03-16-2011, 12:06 AM
Another thing: People are taking my requirements personally. Just because I will not date a dad doesn't make me a bad person, nor does it mean I think you are horrible. I just don't want to date you if you have kids. The same people upset about this let me ask you would you date a fat person though they don't turn you on? It's the same thing, all about preferences. Those of you with kids can find other parents, and not bother trying to date people who don't want to date you. I don't want to date dads and this will not change. When people say "oh you could fall in love with a dad" I say yes anything is possible but by the same token you could fall in love with someone with issues you consider unbendable like same sex (if straight)or obese (if you dislike them). However, I stop them once I found out they have kids so I will never find out.
firemaiden04
03-16-2011, 09:14 AM
Another thing: People are taking my requirements personally. Just because I will not date a dad doesn't make me a bad person, nor does it mean I think you are horrible. I just don't want to date you if you have kids. The same people upset about this let me ask you would you date a fat person though they don't turn you on? It's the same thing, all about preferences. Those of you with kids can find other parents, and not bother trying to date people who don't want to date you. I don't want to date dads and this will not change. When people say "oh you could fall in love with a dad" I say yes anything is possible but by the same token you could fall in love with someone with issues you consider unbendable like same sex (if straight)or obese (if you dislike them). However, I stop them once I found out they have kids so I will never find out.
I think what everyone is trying to explain to you is that you seem completely and totally miserable and are finding zero success while you're sticking to these requirements. And rather than try to fix the one thing you have in common with all these situations (your requirements), you are blaming all men for the personal failings of a few. Plus, you always refer to divorce as "the man's fault." Uh, women cheat too, hon. And they can be manipulative and abusive and controlling just like men can.
You came on here asking for advice, but then you immediately shoot down ANYTHING we say that you didn't already believe. You asked what to do about loser ex guy, we said move on cause he's not worth it. Instead, you started a fake facebook profile so you could online stalk him, and you said you were planning on going to some single's groups for the sole purpose of screwing some of those guys over, especially for "gifts," JUST so you get get pseudo-revenge on the ex. You asked what to do about your obsession with getting married, we told you to relax and learn to be happy single, because otherwise you'll never find anyone worthwhile and you'll certainly never have a happy marriage. Instead, you told us we were all wrong because you are ALLOWED to be obsessed with getting married, and it's what you want and you don't care whether it's a happy marriage or a miserable marriage, because anything is better than being single. You asked why you aren't having any success with dating, we suggested that it's maybe because you're pre-judging all of these guys, and you are settling for fat, loser dudes who meet your criteria, but aren't giving anyone a chance who doesn't. We told you to maybe loosen up on your standards, but you claim that you KNOW what's good for you and it's unacceptable for you to loosen up because no non-Christian, divorced man, or father is worth your time. So, what do you want us to say? I find it personally reprehensible that you are so obsessed with this ex to the extent that you're online stalking him and planning indirect revenge against other men, but yet you are still looking for guy #2. That isn't fair to anyone involved. I've said this, and so have other girls, and yet you don't seem to care that your behavior is toxic and destructive. So maybe you didn't really want advice, you just wanted us to root you on in this behavior. And a lot of us really genuinely do NOT want to see you start on that vicious downward spiral and become an angry, bitter, controlling woman who hates men.