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CamWhore
03-04-2011, 05:31 AM
I really don't think hr controlling her... She has a spending habit , obviously he knows it .Because of that, I think he should allow you to work for whatever else you want beyond your allowance.

CoolBreeze
03-04-2011, 09:58 AM
As someone else's significant other, I hope I'm not butting in where my perspective is not asked for, but I don't see any "control" issues here either. I completely understand, and roll my eyes at the men who do think they have the right to control their wives or girlfriends. Because they're paying for everything, or because they're married and that's how it's supposed to be, or simply because they're a man. Unfortunately, a large majority of men are like that and they see it as normal, and the way it was meant to be. Traditional society places the man as the head of the household and ultimate rule and final say over his wife and children. Fundamental Christians quote passages in the Bible stating that wives must SUBMIT to their husbands. But it's complete bullshit, because they leave out the part where husbands are told to love their wives, and real love has nothing to do with control. And the same can be said for the women who blather on about how no man will control them, and all men are control freaks, and no way am I changing anything I want to do because my boyfriend or husband doesn't like it or approve of it. That's a pile of crap too. Both types have little chance of having what I know as a "good" and "healthy" relationship. Both are equally doomed to miss out on one of the most fantastic and fulfilling experiences a person can have in this life.

And that experience being, a truly healthy and loving relationship. Just because my significant other doesn't like or approve of some of the things I do, doesn't mean that when I choose not to do them because she doesn't like it, that she is controlling me. And the same goes for me. There are some things my partner chooses not to do, simply because she knows I don't agree with them or they make me uncomfortable. I would NEVER say, "You can't do that.", but I might say "that makes me sort of uncomfortable." She is my equal. We're not the same people, and we have differences of opinion, but we're open about them and there is give and take between us. Because we love each other, and care about each other's feelings and perspective, and the choices we make together are not for MY benefit, or for HER benefit, they're for OUR benefit. I'm not talking about losing or giving up our individuality either, because it's not like that. I'm still me. She's still her. But we're also "Us". And quit frankly, "Us" is way better than either of us alone and it's AWESOME.

You don't see a lot of relationships like this. Because so many men and women have these stereotypical hangups. But you recognize them when you do see them. Because happiness just glows from that couple, and generally people look at them in awe and wonder how the hell are they so happy? Of course there are arguments and rough patches, but a "great" relationship requires give and take and compromise. It's not something that just happens, it's something two people WORK for TOGETHER. And dishonestly has absolutely NO PLACE in such a relationship.

LUVLOUBIES, you sound like you've got a GREAT guy and he's got an awesome girl. Being honest with him (and he with you) about everything that's between you will serve you both well for many many many years. One of the most important things you can do is talk openly about everything, and truly listen to each other. LOVE is cool. And at least to me, it seems like you guys view each other as equals and are on the right track to a life-long love affair. I wish you both the very best.

CoolBreeze

xxxevexxx
03-04-2011, 10:20 AM
xxxeve, i consider not having any spending money "just barely getting by"
Maybe HE is not barely getting by, but she is.

"we should all be so lucky to find a man that is even half that good."
that is so sad that you think all it takes to be a good man is to make lots of money and give some to your wife. im sure tiger woods gave his wife a nice allowance. is he a good man too?

"Just because they're married doesn't mean she should just get to blow his whole paycheck on whatever she wants. "
of course not! in fact i think BOTH people should work and only spend the money THEY EACH make. but hes forbidding her to work the highest paying job she could find. if hes going to be restrictive like that then he cant just give her a measly 2k a month which btw i think covers tuition too, so its not a lot.


When I say we should all be that lucky I mean having a guy that cares and from what I get from the OP is that he cares and isnt some loser, asshole who treats her badly. But the money sure does help and him helping her pay off student loans, and debt is very nice of him.

Smurfette
03-04-2011, 11:33 AM
I can understand where you're coming from Smurfette however, when Husband and I got married, I had poor credit and made very poor financial decisions. He keeps quite quite a bit of cash in his bank account at all times and neither of us were okay with me having full access to his account with my past spending habits /:O. (My $6K of c/c debt). We have only been married for 5 months and he gives me an 'allowance' so I can improve my finanical savy and save. He wants to see that I am able to save my money before he gives me 100% access. My name is on the account so, I could techincally go to the bank and take everything if I wanted to but, I choose not to. I know I need to demonstrate finanical responsibility if I want to be an adult relationship/marriage and it's hard to trust someone with money if they've never saved a penny. So, that was me. Miss I don't know how to save, money burns a hole in my pocket. So I don't see it as a 'submissive' position whatsoever, I'm pretty young (22) and need to learn how to my handle my own money before I try to handle someone else's money that I really didn't earn myself.

I suppose there is nothing wrong with this. The more I read the more I realize that my relationship is similar to yours, only reversed. My fiance is extremely irresponsible with money so I take care of all the finances, bills, and budgeting. I don't give him an "allowance" but he always asks me if it's okay to spend X amount or if he can buy something. Not to "ask me permission" necessarily but more because he has no clue what our bank account looks like from day to day.

He has full access to everything but simply doesn't bother with it because he knows that I have it under control. ;) Needless to say, if he were in control of our money, bills probably wouldn't be paid on time and anything extra would go to beer, weed, and unnecessarily expensive clothes and toys.

When I first got back together with him, in one night I watched him buy a $65 hoodie, then go out to eat, spill a drink on it, promptly throw it in the garbage, go back to the store, and spend another $65 on another hoodie. ::)

MarvelGirl
03-04-2011, 01:40 PM
Everybody in my family has an allowance. Myself, my husband and my kids. I really don't know how anybody sticks to a budget if you just spend whatever you want whenever you want.

We pay all of our bills and everybody gets their mad money for the week. If you blow it all on an expensive pair of shoes, then you don't get to buy any more nonessentials that week.

That's not controlling, it's just not being a slobbering retard with your money. I don't care how much money a person makes, if they have a stupid or greedy spouse they could easily end up in the poor house within a couple of years. It's happened over and over and over again. If you love someone, you don't treat them like an ATM and bankrupt them before moving on to your next victim err, I mean husband.