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View Full Version : I found my boyfriend cheating-should I confront the other woman? (LONG)



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firemaiden04
03-16-2011, 08:57 AM
Call the police and get a restraining order!

No matter what his threats against you have been, if you DON'T do this, you will always regret it.

GlitterBexie
03-16-2011, 09:00 AM
Plus, if his registered address is with this other woman, they surely they police will go there to collect him, or she will at least find out if he doesnt turn up when he's supposed too. If he has beaten you then surely this other girl has seen the wrath of his nuts-ness, maybe (and this is a big maybe) but maybe this is her chance to escape too? She may have been under his spell for a long time.

Redwolf
03-16-2011, 09:25 AM
+1 to everyone's advice regarding going to the cops

Maybe there is a shelter for abused women in your city where you can talk to someone who has been through this and get support and help?

One other thing: he is a POS!

DesuvsDeath
03-16-2011, 02:07 PM
yes i would in a heartbeat. If i have proof and evidence . I would march right up to wherever this woman is and give her the dirt. This is what the show"cheaters" is all about. Catching people in the act.

Yes. Because you should really follow the example of a show where crew members are charged with assault and the host has been stabbed. ::)

Seriously, though... you'd care more about "exposing" this guy than your own personal safety?

dawnfire90
03-17-2011, 10:23 AM
what everyone else said, plus, you might want to move so he doesn't know where you live anymore. thats what i would do

lifetravelergirl
03-21-2011, 10:38 PM
Cheaters cheat. The other woman is irrelevant. You are dating a cheater. Talking to the woman isn't going to help. This is my experience offered as a humble opinion. Don't date cheaters, they will cheat on you.

Men cheat because they are horny and want to have sex with women.

Generally speaking women cheat because they are trying to get back at their partner for something he did or failed to do or because they crave chaos due to childhood abuse they experienced.

princesspamela
03-21-2011, 11:28 PM
Ladies follow this golden rule & your lives will be much more ZEN:
Always get mad @ your MAN for cheating NOT the other woman, UNLESS shes your friend/family then whoop both theyre ass!>:(

cherryblossomsinspring
03-22-2011, 04:55 AM
Yes. Because you should really follow the example of a show where crew members are charged with assault and the host has been stabbed. ::)

Seriously, though... you'd care more about "exposing" this guy than your own personal safety?

I didn't say bring a camera crew and use that annoying light. Also they always catch people in the act, this is not what I'm telling her to do.

I just said she needs to give the girl the proof so she can make an informed decision of her own. No one likes to be in the dark and since she's girl number #2 out of 3 so far as we know then it's apparent he's been doing this for some time. He needs to be smoked out like the rat he is. Make sure he has no rock to crawl under. But of course take the necessary precautions of restraining orders, making sure these documents are passed around everywhere even at the strip club. Also providing the woman with documentation showing that he has assaulted her in attempts to silence her from telling the truth.

It really should be a "thought you should know" moment. This is not a fight over a man or an argument. It's all about showing the wife that he's lied for so long. I mean where did the wife think he was all of this time? Also how does a guy hide this for 6 months? I mean where did she go when he said "come over".

Actually I did meet a guy that had a live in girlfriend for 8 years. He had the audacity to invite me over, I never went but when I found out later on that he had a girlfriend the whole time because she contacted me. I told her the truth. First off I never slept with the guy, 2nd I just felt something was off about him. He seemed cheap and selfish so I only went out on one date and just didn't meet up with him again. It wasn't until a year later did I text him complaining about getting into this fun party club that had the most crazy door price that she ended up contacting me. She was weak and dumb as usual so she dumped him and broke up but took him back within a week. I was really in shock because the guy seemed so damn single. You would never have thought he had a girlfriend that lived with him. Also to think he invited me over (obviously looking to get laid) (but I always declined). That shows never and just plain disrespect. He also made it a point to tell me she pays half of everything, which made me shake my head thinking hmm another "roommate that you bend over" moment.

When I talked to the guy later on , I told him wow thank god I didn't actually really date you. He tried to give me the whole suave italian accent stating I didn't want him anyways. hahah lol like shopping while having a girlfriend of 8yrs was the way to go. Attractive guy , but total douchebag. I heard later on that he had slept with a few other girls that I used to party with at the club. Yes this guy got around and didn't seem to care if his girlfriend found out. I'm just glad to be the girl that usually waits a long ass time to be intimate with someone, for I would have been sick to my stomach knowing I was sleeping with a guy that had a girlfriend of 8yrs waiting for him at home. Some guys are really just shitty.

GlitterBexie
03-22-2011, 09:20 AM
Actually I did meet a guy that had a live in girlfriend for 8 years. He had the audacity to invite me over, I never went but when I found out later on that he had a girlfriend the whole time because she contacted me. I told her the truth. First off I never slept with the guy, 2nd I just felt something was off about him. He seemed cheap and selfish so I only went out on one date and just didn't meet up with him again. It wasn't until a year later did I text him complaining about getting into this fun party club that had the most crazy door price that she ended up contacting me. She was weak and dumb as usual so she dumped him and broke up but took him back within a week. I was really in shock because the guy seemed so damn single. You would never have thought he had a girlfriend that lived with him. Also to think he invited me over (obviously looking to get laid) (but I always declined). That shows never and just plain disrespect. He also made it a point to tell me she pays half of everything, which made me shake my head thinking hmm another "roommate that you bend over" moment.

When I talked to the guy later on , I told him wow thank god I didn't actually really date you. He tried to give me the whole suave italian accent stating I didn't want him anyways. hahah lol like shopping while having a girlfriend of 8yrs was the way to go. Attractive guy , but total douchebag. I heard later on that he had slept with a few other girls that I used to party with at the club. Yes this guy got around and didn't seem to care if his girlfriend found out. I'm just glad to be the girl that usually waits a long ass time to be intimate with someone, for I would have been sick to my stomach knowing I was sleeping with a guy that had a girlfriend of 8yrs waiting for him at home. Some guys are really just shitty.

this was my life till not too long ago, it really sucks, sadly, the girls he cheated with, most of them knew he had a girlfriend and were happy to keep it quiet.

bugsy
03-22-2011, 02:39 PM
Honey, I'm so sorry to hear that happened to you. Please press charges and file a restraining order for both yourself and your family. Been there, done that, very easy as far as paperwork goes. I know you're hurting, but it will go away, and you will kick yourself later if you don't do everything in your power to get this guy now.

Also, I'd like to suggest that you move. I know it's a pain, but if you live in an apartment, see if maybe you can just switch apartments and explain your situation to your manager. If you live in a house, well its better safe than sorry. Consider trading in your car for a different, common one as well.

Sue him for damages, medical bills, moving expenses, pain and suffering, whatever you can.

Get a gun if you don't have one. This guy obviously means business.

Forget about the other woman for now. She'll figure it out soon enough, if she hasn't already. Protect you.

DesuvsDeath
03-22-2011, 02:59 PM
I just said she needs to give the girl the proof so she can make an informed decision of her own.
Considering the way this situation has played out so far... that's seriously the worst advice possible.
She's already in an unsafe situation and you want her to piss this guy off more?

Personal safety > telling the other woman.


It really should be a "thought you should know" moment. This is not a fight over a man or an argument.
The thing is... it SHOULD be that. But it's often not.
For every case where the wife accepts what happened and is grateful she knows/has proof of what she suspected... is a wife who will side with her husband and turn against you, the home-wrecker. Then you have double the trouble to deal with, and for what?



Sorry! I really don't mean to go semi-off topic/threadjack/argue here.
I just feel like it's important to stress that telling the other woman should NOT be a priority here.

Anon76
03-22-2011, 04:06 PM
Y not just dump the loser for being a lying cheat da .Give the other woman the heads up if you want, but you really don't owe each other anything. It's his fault end of story. You did catch him lying to you with another woman no excuse explains it--that is what cheats do. Make dumb excuses like it wasn't me when they been caught red handed .Legally blood test would say he is the father & nowadays he would have equal rights to any child so don't buy that bs.


If a couple has a child out of wedlock, in most states, the mother automatically has full custody until a decision is made by the courts, so no, being a father doesn't guarantee equal rights, it usually guarantees unequal rights and is an uphill battle to get equal or full custody. My brother is going through that with his ex.

anouk.oui
03-22-2011, 04:08 PM
WHY would you need more trouble from this guy? nothing he said adds up and by the sounds of it hes emotionally manipulative also. dont fall for it. cut off all contact and fuck him off. the woman can fend for herself

xxxchili
03-22-2011, 04:17 PM
please please please call the police...so sorry for what happened to you. Sending lots of hugs

anouk.oui
03-22-2011, 09:38 PM
okay i read the rest
RESTRAINING order
as soon as you can, it will just get harder later on. for your family too.
in hindsight, maybe you shouldntve told him in the middle of the night in an empty street youre gonna tell his wife about all this. its asking for trouble. please please limit yourself to the least possible contact you can. you dont wanna hand over vital bits of info about yourself by accident.
and send the wife pictures of your injuries so she can ask herself if this is the life she imagines for herself.

but def cops
do you have a big intimidating looking man friend you can have over / stay with?

So Fine Divyne
03-23-2011, 11:32 AM
You didn't cheat on his wife, he did. You didn't lie to someone to get them to do things that they otherwise would not have done knowing all the facts. You did not play with a person's emotions and mental state. You did not do anything wrong. You feel for a loser. We all have or we all will. We won't all fall for a married, emotionally manipulative and abusive loser, but a loser nonetheless. Nobody on an internet forum can tell you what is best for you. You already know. What you are seeking is support and confirmation that you are doing the right thing. You already know it, but you need to know someone is in your corner because you feel victimized/manipulated/confused. You know what he did to you was wrong.

He doesn't care about your feelings. He doesn't care that you love him and are hurting about what you find out. He did the things he did to you because he cares about his wife. Even though he cheats and lies to her and on her. His ultimate fear is losing her because she matters. He beat you because he fears losing his relationship with her because she is important in his life.

You don't need us to tell you to call the cops, you know you did. We'll confirm that belief if you need us to though. He deserves to be in jail for what he did to you. DO NOT WAIT! The longer you wait, the more loops and hoops they make you jump through to get the paperwork done. They ask why you waited. The cops wanna know why you hesitated. They will often say it is a lover's spat, like you're doing it because you are mad. Initially, tell them about the relationship and beating. Do not give excessive details. Leave the statement I felt out of the entire thing, until you get to I felt in fear for my life, or I felt like he was gonna kill me. Explain the relationship. Leave out the cheating until the end. Explain you left him because you found he was married even though you all had been cohabitating. Explain about him coming to the job. Take the person you were talking to that night in the club with you NOT another dancer who saw him there. They give others more credibility than strippers, sad but true. Explain that he was waiting at your home and you let him in to talk then he attacked you because he was worried about you talking to his wife. Let them know you did not threaten to do so or insinuate it or even mention it. The reason he did it leads to motive which makes it easier to see why he would do it which makes the case easier to understand and outline for warrant and protection orders.

I have seen this happen a million times and girls just suck it up and let it go. You did nothing wrong. Falling in love is not wrong. Don't blame yourself for anything. It's a blessing to have a kind heart and be a sweet person. There are people in the world that prey on people like you, plain and simple honey. Please don't keep waiting and after he is in custody, feel free to send a copy of affadavit, warrant, and application for order of protection to his wife. After that, leave her alone. Ball is in her court. All you would have given her is facts that are not left open to interpretation of any kind because the truth can't be changed. Please do what you need to do to save/help yourself. Fuck his threats. His "friends" can go to jail too if they want to for bothering you. Be very careful and have a chat with your neighbors. Don't put them all in your business, but let them know the breakup did not go so well and please keep an extra eye out for trouble and you. The cops are gonna interview them, more likely than not also, so it helps you to stay safe at the cost of feeling slightly less in control. Nobody wants to be a victim, but it's not your fault. Keep repeating it to yourself until you believe it.

DancingDaisy
03-23-2011, 04:24 PM
Deleted

bizmor
03-23-2011, 04:42 PM
Why is it that the female victim feels always feels shes at fault?
What you should do hire the bouncers from your club to bounce the guy a little.

Eye for an Eye

DesuvsDeath
03-23-2011, 04:58 PM
^That's really not a healthy thing to do at all. Seeking revenge just draws out the situation and adds to the negativity... it doesn't accomplish anything except making her focus on what was done to her. :-/

rickdugan
03-23-2011, 06:00 PM
I asked them if I should get a restraining order and they said it wouldnt do any good.

IMO you should get the restraining order. Also keep your cell phone camera handy. Once you have a restraining order, he can be thrown in jail if he violates it.

xoAnnaBanana
03-23-2011, 06:13 PM
^I doubt a piece of paper is going to stop an abusive man from coming after you. I picture restraining orders as only really helping after an altercation occurs.

Anyway, I'm glad that you called the police and I'm sorry they're not being very helpful. Just stay strong & positive! *Hugs* Also, if I were you I'd invest in some self defense classes and have pepper spray handy at all times.

eagle2
03-23-2011, 08:29 PM
If the police aren't being much help, maybe you can try talking to the district attorney if you want to bring charges against him.

countedcrow
03-24-2011, 04:08 AM
^That's really not a healthy thing to do at all. Seeking revenge just draws out the situation and adds to the negativity... it doesn't accomplish anything except making her focus on what was done to her. :-/


This is so true and I agree with it 100%.

At the same time, my spring softball season is starting next month and I sure could use some batting practice.>:(

kittykrane
03-24-2011, 04:38 AM
don't talk to her. women tend to get defensive when confronted with ANY kind of competition, whether or not they actually were fucking.

just dump him. wash your hands of him and his whole fucking mess. you don't need that.

Exactly! Now I know it's just Craigslist or Jerry Springer or whatever...but do you ever see the ads/shows where women are going at it over the man? Even if he is the one who cheated on both of them and told all the lies!! They are mad at each other when they should be mad at him!

Ask yourself if all this drama is really worth it? I've been there and I just dumped the guy and let her deal with it. I'm better than that!

rickdugan
03-24-2011, 04:53 AM
^I doubt a piece of paper is going to stop an abusive man from coming after you. I picture restraining orders as only really helping after an altercation occurs.

All true. However, they can help prevent the next altercation when he violates the order. And better yet, if the guy is stupid enough to do something like come around her club while the restraining order is in effect, then she might be able to have him locked up without having to have another serious event.

DD, IMHO you should absolutely get the order, which would give you some options down the road if he continues to act stupidly.

So Fine Divyne
03-24-2011, 09:02 AM
If you have to harass the police. Call the DA. Often times the police are lazy. If they didn't look at your evidence at all, when it goes to court, there will be no evidence listed. The judge will want to know why the police didn't write that in the report. Then they say things like the police must not have believed you. If that detective doesn't call you, you need to go to the police department and see if they will make an addendum to the report that includes all the info. That's important. Sometimes you have to stay in their asses to make them do something. Stupid but true. How is telling you to call 911 proactive?

lemiwinks31
03-24-2011, 12:41 PM
I'm sorry the responding police didnt take it seriously....I'm guessing that they either dont believe you or doubt the extent of the assault.(Probably due to the elapsed time) Otherwise he would be in cuffs and in a cell waiting to post bail.

My advice now would be to press the issue with police...make sure if the detective doesnt call you, you call him...or get his name and go to see him at the station...make sure he knows the extent of your injuries....make sure that he knows that he is still texting you and showing up at your door and you dont want that anymore, and that you are still scared to go home.......

As for the lying coward......It seems you have already let him know you want no more contact with him.......now just completely cut off ALL contact...do not respond to any texts, do not talk to him if you run into him...ignore...ignore...ignore...delete delete delete.....

Best case scenario...the cops pick him up and charge him with assault....you get a restraining order...and that is the last you see of him...(unless he enjoys his time in jail) Because now he knows that if he tries to see you, you WILL call the police.

2nd best scenario...the police continue being lazy assholes....but since he isnt getting any reponse from you(even negative)...he just feels like he is talking to himself.....and gives up contacting you....

Trem
03-24-2011, 01:17 PM
The police don't bother because four days later it's basically too late. Pictures she took herself are not evidence of anything. If someone breaks into your apartment and steals your computer you don't clean the place, replace the windows, buy a new computer and then wonder why the police can't help you. Now this asshole is free to continue harassing this poor girl and will get away with beating the shit out of her because the cops weren't called immediately. I'm not a big fan of cops, but you can't expect them to take you seriously when you show up four days after a crime is committed to report it either.

firemaiden04
03-24-2011, 04:35 PM
I agree that she waited too long, but she at least needs to file a report. Even if it's too late to file serious charges, the assault at least needs to go on the record. I find it odd that the cops aren't cooperative at all.

eagle2
03-24-2011, 10:50 PM
The police don't bother because four days later it's basically too late. Pictures she took herself are not evidence of anything. If someone breaks into your apartment and steals your computer you don't clean the place, replace the windows, buy a new computer and then wonder why the police can't help you. Now this asshole is free to continue harassing this poor girl and will get away with beating the shit out of her because the cops weren't called immediately. I'm not a big fan of cops, but you can't expect them to take you seriously when you show up four days after a crime is committed to report it either.

I still think she should talk to a district attorney about bringing charges against him. She said she went to the hospital, so there is evidence and witnesses, as to how badly she was injured.