View Full Version : How to NOT get blindsided or fooled by assholes: Fuck Cosmo, here's the real deal.
mediocrity
05-09-2011, 10:21 PM
I appreciate this post, but I don't quite understand your explaination of "Grooming" here. In the first example, I think you're saying that he convinces her that he didn't take the watch when he really did. He uses manipulation tactics to remind her how much he loves her and takes care of her, so why would he ever take her watch?
I don't really understand the second example at all.
Are you warning against letting someone do things like pay for your stuff? That it...what, allows you to become dependent on them? Or maybe creates a false sense of securiy/trust?
Please let me know if I'm gewtting you're intent, or if I'm completely off base.
I'm warning against people creating a false sense of security and/or creating obligation. If you let someone pay for your shit over and over, even as a "gift", then when they need something later, you're a lot more likely to be all "Well.. he did help me on x, x and x... I should do x even if I don't want to/don't feel right about it". It isn't security, it's an insurance policy. By bankrolling someone, you're essentially guaranteeing they will start to feel a sense of loyalty and obligation to you. It works brilliantly.
Egalitarian relationships are the way to go. Gifts are occasional. Bankrolling with nothing in return is strategy.
Hopper
05-09-2011, 10:47 PM
Egalitarian relationships are the way to go. Gifts are occasional. Bankrolling with nothing in return is strategy.
Alternatively, the girl holds him to the "bankrolling" as what he originally told her it was - a gift - and chooses to feel no obligation at all. He can't dodge that, regardless of what he thought it was when he "gave" it. When a guy gives a girl a gift, it stays a gift, and the reverse is true also. But if it's a favor, not a gift, then the girl really does owe him something in return later, so that's not necessarily a strategy. In that case, the girl has to keep track of how many favors she accepts and limit the number to whatever level of future obligation she feels is reasonable for her to accumulate. But when a guy does something for his SO, it should rarely be considered a favour, in the sense of her owing him, so she can even legitimately waive that one. The only problem then is it can go the other way and she is "using" him, or he can feel like she is. In short, maybe it's not only how much she allows him to do for her, but how she feels about it (or how he makes her feel about it).
mediocrity
05-09-2011, 10:49 PM
Alternatively, the girl holds him to the "bankrolling" as what he originally told her it was - a gift - and chooses to feel no obligation at all. He can't dodge that, regardless of what he thought it was when he "gave" it. When a guy gives a girl a gift, it stays a gift, and the reverse is true also. But if it's a favor, not a gift, then the girl really does owe him something in return later, so that's not necessarily a strategy. In that case, the girl has to keep track of how many favors she accepts and limit the number to whatever level of future obligation she feels is reasonable for her to accumulate. But when a guy does something for his SO, it should rarely be considered a favour, in the sense of her owing him, so she can even legitimately waive that one. The only problem then is it can go the other way and she is "using" him, or he can feel like she is.
I'm not talking about in serious relationships with trust, Hopper. I see your point, but I can also tell you've never employed this technique. I have, with remarkable results.
Hopper
05-09-2011, 11:02 PM
No, I haven't, but it's pretty common. I thought the point was that our hypothetical girl at least thinks it is a serious relationship? What kind of relationship does this list of warnings apply to?
mediocrity
05-09-2011, 11:07 PM
Though I wasn't aiming at a particular stage, I would say they apply from very beginning to moderately serious. I would hope by then these traits would be really obvious, and a girl would know her dude fairly well by that point.
Just as a side note, there's nothing wrong with doing your research. My husband got a background check on me before he married me, and didn't tell me til a few months after we were married. I wasn't mad. You can never be too careful.
Kellydancer
05-09-2011, 11:16 PM
Though I wasn't aiming at a particular stage, I would say they apply from very beginning to moderately serious. I would hope by then these traits would be really obvious, and a girl would know her dude fairly well by that point.
Just as a side note, there's nothing wrong with doing your research. My husband got a background check on me before he married me, and didn't tell me til a few months after we were married. I wasn't mad. You can never be too careful.
I'm a big believer in background checks. If I had gotten a background check on every guy I would have found that one of the guys I went out with was a pimp and another was married. Next guy I get serious with I will do a background check. If he has nothing to hide he won't care. Likewise I am fine with him running a check on me as well.
Hopper
05-09-2011, 11:20 PM
Though I wasn't aiming at a particular stage, I would say they apply from very beginning to moderately serious. I would hope by then these traits would be really obvious, and a girl would know her dude fairly well by that point.
My comments should apply at any stage - i.e. if a guy gives something to a girl he is dating, he should not expect anything in return, not even another date. Nobody forced him to do it.
Kisca
05-09-2011, 11:23 PM
My comments should apply at any stage - i.e. if a guy gives something to a girl he is dating, he should not expect anything in return, not even another date. Nobody forced him to do it.
Thats true.. But how many girls expect things from men and force them to take them to dinner, to pay etc.
How about the girls who feel the need to return something back because he did do something, such as take her for dinner. Ive known girls who felt bad for not giving a guy a kiss or something when the guy took the girl out. Most men do expect something back though
I personally do it backwards... I like it 50/50 in the start, then let him buy me optional gifts and then offering to pay, by then its more comfortable!
Kellydancer
05-09-2011, 11:59 PM
Thats true.. But how many girls expect things from men and force them to take them to dinner, to pay etc.
How about the girls who feel the need to return something back because he did do something, such as take her for dinner. Ive known girls who felt bad for not giving a guy a kiss or something when the guy took the girl out. Most men do expect something back though
I personally do it backwards... I like it 50/50 in the start, then let him buy me optional gifts and then offering to pay, by then its more comfortable!
I hate feeling obligated to give in return in the beginning. I like 50/50 myself but for some reason the guys I've dated wanted to spend all the money in the beginning then expect 50/50 later on.
I hate when I get gifts early on too. I think this is because in my experience the guys who did this early lost interest later on.
mediocrity
05-10-2011, 01:53 AM
My comments should apply at any stage - i.e. if a guy gives something to a girl he is dating, he should not expect anything in return, not even another date. Nobody forced him to do it.
I didn't imply any of your comments were valid or invalid at any stage.
Of course, when a guy buys a gift, no one forced him to do it. What I am talking about is a completely different concept: buying a lot of things, or paying bills etc for the EXPRESS PURPOSE of using it as collateral. Even when you do this deliberately, it isn't a matter of "expecting" anything in return. It's a matter of simply USING it as a manipulation tool. If you would like me to provide examples, let me know and I'd gladly explain further.
All I am doing in this thread is offering information that can be used towards protecting oneself against being manipulated. I never said that there wasn't anything that couldn't be added.
Hopper
05-10-2011, 04:32 AM
Thats true.. But how many girls expect things from men and force them to take them to dinner, to pay etc.
How about the girls who feel the need to return something back because he did do something, such as take her for dinner. Ive known girls who felt bad for not giving a guy a kiss or something when the guy took the girl out. Most men do expect something back though
I personally do it backwards... I like it 50/50 in the start, then let him buy me optional gifts and then offering to pay, by then its more comfortable!
Some girls string men along and use them as meal tickets. Some girls, when genuinely dating a man, demand that the man pays as part of the deal. But the girl can't force the man to pay - it's still his choice to accept the deal or not, i.e forgo dating her completely. But most men would pay for the girl's meal anyway - it's the traditional arrangement, it's how he shows his appreciation of her and in the absence of anything else, it just improves his chances with her. Yes the man expects something in return for the meal, although the actual obligation isn't there - they don't sign a contract. He does it in the hope that he will get something, but the girl isn't obliged if she doesn't wish to give it. What the man is getting in return is the pleasure of the girl's company and probably some sex. That's his whole motive as far as gifts are concerned. So I'm questioning why a woman should feel obliged to give back anything else. I know some girls feel obliged to give back (whether it's more dates, sex or paying his bills later on), and that's what mediocrity is talking about, but my point is that traditionally she should not - it's not the proper reason for why the man buy her stuff.
I'm not saying an egalitarian arrangement is wrong, if that's the way the girl likes it (or the condition the guy makes, if he is feeling confident). I'm just saying that even if the girl doesn't choose to go egalitarian at any stage of dating/serious LTR or whatever, traditionally she is not obligated by gifts. We had an argument about what a gift is in another thread about customers buy dancers gifts. Some of us argued that "gift" means what the dictionary says it is: Something you give away for free, not something you give with an obligation of something in return (though perhaps the hope for it or expectation of it).
Hopper
05-10-2011, 05:12 AM
I didn't imply any of your comments were valid or invalid at any stage.
Of course, when a guy buys a gift, no one forced him to do it. What I am talking about is a completely different concept: buying a lot of things, or paying bills etc for the EXPRESS PURPOSE of using it as collateral. Even when you do this deliberately, it isn't a matter of "expecting" anything in return. It's a matter of simply USING it as a manipulation tool. If you would like me to provide examples, let me know and I'd gladly explain further.
I know that's what you were saying. I'm not disagreeing with it. I know you are talking about manipulation, so in that case the remedy is for the girl to not feel anything and just dump him.
I was responding to the part I quoted, where you said "egalitarian relationships are the way to go". Even if the relationship is not egalitarian, a girl should not feel obligated by gifts. So by rights the girl should not be responding to that kind of manipulation if the guy does use it. In a more serious LTR, I guess this does get blurrier - if the man does things for the woman, the woman should do things for him.
If you still think I'm not getting it though, please do add some examples. I'm pretty sure I do get it though.
All I am doing in this thread is offering information that can be used towards protecting oneself against being manipulated. I never said that there wasn't anything that couldn't be added.
I never said you did.
Mindy Bares All
05-10-2011, 09:51 PM
So, ladies, how do you keep it cool when you just met a guy and want to jump in his pants, but want him to date you?
Kellydancer
05-10-2011, 10:02 PM
It really is tricky but one thing I do beforehand is masturbate. Yeah not much fun but at least you aren't as horny. Also, I keep the touching light right away. It is hard to do this but I don't trust myself and will get into another mess.
Spinnerette
05-11-2011, 12:22 AM
Applause to the OP. That's brilliant, no-nonsense REAL shit.
It just saddens me that the fact remains there are tons of women out there who will see a breakdown just like you gave, Mediocrity, see the writing on the wall...and go back through and deny it all. I used to be like that and an ex-friend of mine is most likely STILL like that. We'll sit there and have people tell us as much, but we'll hold out and delude ourselves for the sake of "love". I originally wanted to say I wish this had been around 3 years ago, but it wouldn't have made much of a difference. I was a wishy-washy bitch and no matter what I knew in my head, my "heart" wasn't ready to leave.
Got pissed off as I read each point and recalled specific examples with my ex as this list matches him to a T. The gaslighting thing particularly hits a nerve. I used to make myself sick with the "no, I never said that, yes I did say that, YOU FUCKING SAID..." roundabout. It's why I insisted on having most of our serious conversations via text. Partly because I was a damned wreck towards the end and wouldn't be able to keep verbal composure, but mostly because then I'd have a written record and wouldn't feel crazy.
Ugh. Anyway, again, great fucking post. Makes me all the more grateful for where I am now.
xGigi
05-11-2011, 01:39 PM
I think #1 is sooo important and most girls do NOT realize it. a guy will say he's "busy" all the time, but men are focused and busy or not, they'll find a way to talk to you if they want to yet girls will make excuses for the guy that they like instead of just accepting that he doesn't like them!
the best way to find out if a guy is into you, don't contact him for seven whole days.
if it's been a week and a guy hasn't called you, he's NOT interested. do NOT listen to what he says.
I don't give a fuck how much he says he works, how much he says he travels, if he's supposedly studying, if he says he's been taking care of his sick grandmother...if he wants you, he'll contact you.
the fucked up part though is that guys always feed you bullshit excuses instead of just being straight about it. I've been with a guy who would INSIST that he forgot a hundred times and even though my brain was telling me "what the FUCK? how could he forget AGAIN?" I'd be like "ok no problem!!!"
this also goes hand in hand with #6. if he neglects you, he will continue to neglect you so unless you want to be neglected for the rest of your life, LEAVE HIM.
if I'm dating a guy and he doesn't call me for a week, then I finally hear from him, I'll say flat out "it's been a week and you haven't called me. I don't want to be with you." then if he apologizes, I'll give him ONE chance to make it up to me and in my experience, not ONE guy has ever made it up to me so I leave. they always keep doing the same thing. guys DO NOT CHANGE.
lestat1
05-11-2011, 01:45 PM
So anyone feel up to writing a version of this for men? I know I'm not qualified, and I can't stand the AskMen/Maxim BS (I subscribe to Maxim, but it's not what you think - I just read it for the sexy pictures).
seashell
05-11-2011, 02:23 PM
I think #1 is sooo important and most girls do NOT realize it. a guy will say he's "busy" all the time, but men are focused and busy or not, they'll find a way to talk to you if they want to yet girls will make excuses for the guy that they like instead of just accepting that he doesn't like them!
the best way to find out if a guy is into you, don't contact him for seven whole days.
if it's been a week and a guy hasn't called you, he's NOT interested. do NOT listen to what he says.
I don't give a fuck how much he says he works, how much he says he travels, if he's supposedly studying, if he says he's been taking care of his sick grandmother...if he wants you, he'll contact you.
the fucked up part though is that guys always feed you bullshit excuses instead of just being straight about it. I've been with a guy who would INSIST that he forgot a hundred times and even though my brain was telling me "what the FUCK? how could he forget AGAIN?" I'd be like "ok no problem!!!"
this also goes hand in hand with #6. if he neglects you, he will continue to neglect you so unless you want to be neglected for the rest of your life, LEAVE HIM.
if I'm dating a guy and he doesn't call me for a week, then I finally hear from him, I'll say flat out "it's been a week and you haven't called me. I don't want to be with you." then if he apologizes, I'll give him ONE chance to make it up to me and in my experience, not ONE guy has ever made it up to me so I leave. they always keep doing the same thing. guys DO NOT CHANGE.
*So true.* I spent two years with a guy trying to get him to change... it doesn't work. If people EVER change, they do it on their own, and it happens verrrry slowly, not because their bf/gf is forcing them to.
Kellydancer
05-11-2011, 02:33 PM
I think #1 is sooo important and most girls do NOT realize it. a guy will say he's "busy" all the time, but men are focused and busy or not, they'll find a way to talk to you if they want to yet girls will make excuses for the guy that they like instead of just accepting that he doesn't like them!
the best way to find out if a guy is into you, don't contact him for seven whole days.
if it's been a week and a guy hasn't called you, he's NOT interested. do NOT listen to what he says.
I don't give a fuck how much he says he works, how much he says he travels, if he's supposedly studying, if he says he's been taking care of his sick grandmother...if he wants you, he'll contact you.
the fucked up part though is that guys always feed you bullshit excuses instead of just being straight about it. I've been with a guy who would INSIST that he forgot a hundred times and even though my brain was telling me "what the FUCK? how could he forget AGAIN?" I'd be like "ok no problem!!!"
this also goes hand in hand with #6. if he neglects you, he will continue to neglect you so unless you want to be neglected for the rest of your life, LEAVE HIM.
if I'm dating a guy and he doesn't call me for a week, then I finally hear from him, I'll say flat out "it's been a week and you haven't called me. I don't want to be with you." then if he apologizes, I'll give him ONE chance to make it up to me and in my experience, not ONE guy has ever made it up to me so I leave. they always keep doing the same thing. guys DO NOT CHANGE.
I generally agree with this, but there are some times where he truly can't call. For instance if he's sick or in the hospital or work related. I will say though that these cases aren't very common and yes men use it as an excuse.
Kellydancer
05-11-2011, 02:43 PM
So anyone feel up to writing a version of this for men? I know I'm not qualified, and I can't stand the AskMen/Maxim BS (I subscribe to Maxim, but it's not what you think - I just read it for the sexy pictures).
That is a great idea. I absolutely hate those articles too because like Cosmo they are full of bs. Probably the worst advice I've ever seen from them is the idea that if a guy really pursues a girl she will eventually become interested. As a woman, if I don't like a guy sometimes this can change but most of the time it will not. I've had guys spend a lot of money on me hoping I'd change my mind then getting mad because I didn't and they spent money.
Also, I hate when they say that men can be picky and date the hottest gal while they are slobs, unattractive, etc. Women DO judge based on looks like men do and the better looking a girl is the less likely she is to be interested in an ugly guy. Harsh but it's the truth.
Another myth I hate is the whole idea that women love bad boys and hate nice guys. Yes, some women love bad boys, but my personal experience is women don't like the bad boys who are jerks unless she lacks confidence, and tends to be young (and the bad boy is hot). However, the whole "nice guy finishes last" is a myth too. For one, many nice guys really aren't. The nice guys are often clingy and many have nasty personalities. Many others are dating (or trying) way out of their league then get mad because they can't get better because "I am a nice guy". This also goes back to the fact that nice guys try to get a girl by spending a lot of money. Now the bad boys who are hot are another story and younger women often like them because they are hot. However, I doubt many women marry these types of guys. I don't know the stats but in general most people marry someone within a few years and lookwise around the same, unless the guy has money.
Mindy Bares All
05-11-2011, 04:23 PM
the best way to find out if a guy is into you, don't contact him for seven whole days.
if it's been a week and a guy hasn't called you, he's NOT interested. do NOT listen to what he says.
I don't give a fuck how much he says he works, how much he says he travels, if he's supposedly studying, if he says he's been taking care of his sick grandmother...if he wants you, he'll contact you.
This is so FUCKING true!
Too many women have wasted their time like this. Sadly, myself included.
cherryblossomsinspring
05-11-2011, 05:07 PM
Wow where has this post been all of my life!!! This should be called THE REAL RULES! Well that's my vote anyways:) I actually have nothing to add because the posts have been pretty dead on.
xGigi
05-12-2011, 04:19 AM
I generally agree with this, but there are some times where he truly can't call. For instance if he's sick or in the hospital or work related. I will say though that these cases aren't very common and yes men use it as an excuse.
that's why I use the second chance rule, but only ONE second chance.
xGigi
05-12-2011, 04:19 AM
This is so FUCKING true!
Too many women have wasted their time like this. Sadly, myself included.
yup me too!
Mindy Bares All
05-12-2011, 11:33 AM
It seems like we should print off this list, and go around to stores and newsstands and put them inside all of the Cosmos and shit. Like forreal. If everyone did this to at least five copies of five different magazines...Just imagine how informed and disillusioned most women AND GIRLS would be.
I mean, this type of shit would have been GREAT to know when I was like 12.
Kellydancer
05-12-2011, 11:37 AM
I too have wasted time, like the last time. In the time I wasted on him I could have found a real man, even become engaged.
I am finding the opposite now which is odd. I put a profile up on a free site. I generally dislike free sites but sometimes you can find a great match (and I know many who met this way). Anyway, I have several guys being clingy already. While I hate when a guy doesn't call, I hate when he's constantly emailing or phoning, especially in the beginning.
22lligm
05-12-2011, 11:57 AM
ahh looking back on it I've experienced two of those guys... first is the over-emotional guy and the second was the guy who I knew NOTHING about.
I am definitely not the girl who is manipulated by guys easily (I'm usually the dominate one not him!) but somehow this over-emotional guy used his tactics on me and I have no idea how it worked!! I found myself wanting to keep talking to him and wanting us to keep going even when he was a complete asshole and annoying as hell. When I tried to end things he would call me near-tears and I ended up going to see him that night. wtf?! embarassing on my end..
And as for the guy I knew nothing about..I dated this guy for a few months last summer and by the end of our relationship I asked myself "Where did he grow up? What high school did he go to? Where does he work exactly?" and I couldnt aswer ANY of those questions.. even his AGE was a fishy subject! Glad that is over with..I dont know why it took me so long to realize that though (I'm pretty sure he was cheating on me..which explains his shadiness..asshole)
xGigi
05-12-2011, 12:47 PM
It seems like we should print off this list, and go around to stores and newsstands and put them inside all of the Cosmos and shit. Like forreal. If everyone did this to at least five copies of five different magazines...Just imagine how informed and disillusioned most women AND GIRLS would be.
I mean, this type of shit would have been GREAT to know when I was like 12.
I don't know. I feel like you have to learn by experience to some extent. when I was younger and I had boyfriends who would never call my aunt would tell me the same thing over and over. "if a guy likes you he will call you. don't call him, let him call you. if he doesn't call you he doesn't like you. the more you call him the more you're going to push him away" and I never really learned by just LISTENING to her say it. I had to be that desperate girl clinging to the phone calling every hour on the hour and crying all night to discover that she was right.
mediocrity
05-12-2011, 02:23 PM
So anyone feel up to writing a version of this for men? I know I'm not qualified, and I can't stand the AskMen/Maxim BS (I subscribe to Maxim, but it's not what you think - I just read it for the sexy pictures).
Hey, if you want, I'll type one up.. with help from my hubs, of course. :)
Mindy Bares All
05-12-2011, 05:43 PM
I don't know. I feel like you have to learn by experience to some extent. when I was younger and I had boyfriends who would never call my aunt would tell me the same thing over and over. "if a guy likes you he will call you. don't call him, let him call you. if he doesn't call you he doesn't like you. the more you call him the more you're going to push him away" and I never really learned by just LISTENING to her say it. I had to be that desperate girl clinging to the phone calling every hour on the hour and crying all night to discover that she was right.
True. But it's helpful. You might not have accepted the fact until you'd been hurt.
Personally, I learn well from other people's mistakes. Though, in love, it does seem like the only way is to experience heartache firsthand.
But this is one of those things where it becomes a reminder after you've learned, as opposed to guidelines before you've learned...
Kellydancer
05-12-2011, 05:46 PM
True. But it's helpful. You might not have accepted the fact until you'd been hurt.
Personally, I learn well from other people's mistakes. Though, in love, it does seem like the only way is to experience heartache firsthand.
But this is one of those things where it becomes a reminder after you've learned, as opposed to guidelines before you've learned...
I actually think it's better to experience it firsthand than to see it through other people. While both work, the pain makes it more understandable. It stinks to get hurt but sometimes it's a good lesson.
Hopper
05-12-2011, 07:52 PM
Hey, if you want, I'll type one up.. with help from my hubs, of course. :)
I bet it will be more shocking than the first one.
mediocrity
05-12-2011, 11:28 PM
I bet it will be more shocking than the first one.
Wasn't meant to be shocking at all. I just posted what I felt to be valid, good information to all of the girls out there who have trouble spotting these personality traits. They're more common than one might think
Hopper
05-13-2011, 03:32 AM
Wasn't meant to be shocking at all. I just posted what I felt to be valid, good information to all of the girls out there who have trouble spotting these personality traits. They're more common than one might think
I wasn't knocking the post and nor was it all new to me. I was just thinking that in some ways women have a better advantage over men when it comes to stringing us along, which should make it interesting.
Spinnerette
05-13-2011, 11:31 AM
I don't know. I feel like you have to learn by experience to some extent. when I was younger and I had boyfriends who would never call my aunt would tell me the same thing over and over. "if a guy likes you he will call you. don't call him, let him call you. if he doesn't call you he doesn't like you. the more you call him the more you're going to push him away" and I never really learned by just LISTENING to her say it. I had to be that desperate girl clinging to the phone calling every hour on the hour and crying all night to discover that she was right.
Agreed. Just like children who get told repeatedly, "don't touch the stove, it's hot" or "don't climb up on that, you'll fall" it's takes them getting burned or falling before the message hits home.
But I still want to print this out and stick a few copies in a news stand somewhere. }:D
Angel75217
05-20-2011, 08:50 PM
:) Happy I haven't had to deal with any of that kinda shit in a long time. Apparently my guy passes the test.
If some of the things on that list hit you, please do something about it. I'm sure it's causing you stress and you don't deserve it. It's not your job to help people or change them, if they are grown men then they know better.
TXCamgirl
05-25-2011, 05:21 PM
My current boyfriend of 10+ years is 7 of the things on that list...
Mindy Bares All
05-25-2011, 06:50 PM
My current boyfriend of 10+ years is 7 of the things on that list...
That awkward moment you realize he's not "Mr. Right..."
I too have wasted time, like the last time. In the time I wasted on him I could have found a real man, even become engaged.
I am finding the opposite now which is odd. I put a profile up on a free site. I generally dislike free sites but sometimes you can find a great match (and I know many who met this way). Anyway, I have several guys being clingy already. While I hate when a guy doesn't call, I hate when he's constantly emailing or phoning, especially in the beginning.
Free sites are much better than pay sites. I read an article that said something like 95% of profiles on paying websites are non paying or deactivated so you are basically there to convince those people to join up so they can talk to you rather than find a real match.
Kellydancer
05-26-2011, 01:22 PM
Free sites are much better than pay sites. I read an article that said something like 95% of profiles on paying websites are non paying or deactivated so you are basically there to convince those people to join up so they can talk to you rather than find a real match.
See I would think it's the opposite only because on free sites anyone can make a profile. On the free sites I am running into many morons, between the illiterate guys to the guys who respond knowing they aren't what I want. Of course on both pay and free are people who are just looking for sex and on Match I found a guy who seemed perfect until I found out he was married.
See I would think it's the opposite only because on free sites anyone can make a profile. On the free sites I am running into many morons, between the illiterate guys to the guys who respond knowing they aren't what I want. Of course on both pay and free are people who are just looking for sex and on Match I found a guy who seemed perfect until I found out he was married.
Everyone can make a profile on pay sites also, you only pay to talk to people. It's the same thing really, the only difference is that on pay sites the grand majority of profiles are useless because they aren't paying and they use you as free advertisement to get those guys to pay. You are running into morons because the world is full of them.
Kellydancer
05-26-2011, 01:43 PM
True, but on pay sites people pay to contact others. On the free sites I'm finding a lot of basement dwellers or guys with no jobs and not because of the economy. The problem I'm finding on these sites in general (free and pay) is many men just looking for sex. Apparently some guys have this 'three date rule' where they expect sex on the third date or they ditch the women. To me the thrid date is way too early.
Mindy Bares All
05-26-2011, 10:04 PM
True, but on pay sites people pay to contact others. On the free sites I'm finding a lot of basement dwellers or guys with no jobs and not because of the economy. The problem I'm finding on these sites in general (free and pay) is many men just looking for sex. Apparently some guys have this 'three date rule' where they expect sex on the third date or they ditch the women. To me the thrid date is way too early.
Agreed. Agreed. Agreed.
That way with pay sites, you're insuring that they at least make enough in disposable income to pay for a dating website subscription. :D
Aurora_Sunset
05-27-2011, 05:19 PM
Wow, I'm so glad I learned the term gaslighting cuz I swear that's what a guy I was casually seeing for awhile always did to me... I would make reference to something he said at an earlier point in time as my reasoning for why I thought he believed something, and he would deny up and down that he had ever said something like that. Ex: He wanted to know why I would never have an open relationship, I said "You don't think open relationships work anyway, so haven't you just answered your own question?" His response was that there was NO WAY he would ever have said something like that because he believes that only open relationships can work, even though I know damn well that I heard him several times proclaim that open relationships don't work because that's the kind of relationship he had with his ex and he would talk all the time about how epically it failed. He's done this soooo many times, trying to tell me that I'm completely wrong in what I know I heard him say, and then trying to say that since he can't remember saying it, it's irrelevant... I always used to think that he just had a horrible memory and was a douche for thinking that since he can't remember saying it, it doesn't matter anymore... but now I think that he can't possibly just not remember anything he's ever said...
I think #1 is sooo important and most girls do NOT realize it. a guy will say he's "busy" all the time, but men are focused and busy or not, they'll find a way to talk to you if they want to yet girls will make excuses for the guy that they like instead of just accepting that he doesn't like them!
the best way to find out if a guy is into you, don't contact him for seven whole days.
if it's been a week and a guy hasn't called you, he's NOT interested. do NOT listen to what he says.
I don't give a fuck how much he says he works, how much he says he travels, if he's supposedly studying, if he says he's been taking care of his sick grandmother...if he wants you, he'll contact you.
the fucked up part though is that guys always feed you bullshit excuses instead of just being straight about it. I've been with a guy who would INSIST that he forgot a hundred times and even though my brain was telling me "what the FUCK? how could he forget AGAIN?" I'd be like "ok no problem!!!"
this also goes hand in hand with #6. if he neglects you, he will continue to neglect you so unless you want to be neglected for the rest of your life, LEAVE HIM.
if I'm dating a guy and he doesn't call me for a week, then I finally hear from him, I'll say flat out "it's been a week and you haven't called me. I don't want to be with you." then if he apologizes, I'll give him ONE chance to make it up to me and in my experience, not ONE guy has ever made it up to me so I leave. they always keep doing the same thing. guys DO NOT CHANGE.
I really like this because my ex bf was like this - only called or texted maybe once a week, always telling me how busy he was... But I wonder how much you think this applies in the other direction... I always went by the rule that if he wanted to talk to me, he would call, but he brought it up eventually that he'd really like me to call him more. I didn't and when we were having the "break-up talk" he brought it up as an issue - that he told me I needed to call more and I never changed... so he was playing the same game, waiting to see how much I really wanted to talk to him and I never came through. I still think he should've called more if he wanted to make it clear that he wanted to talk to me - I would always buy the crap that he was busy and I didn't want to call or text for fear of "disturbing him" and seeming clingy... but do you think a guy should also watch for this sign in a girl? Or should it only apply the other way since girls are the ones who generally live by the rule of "wait until he calls"?