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Camateur
05-22-2011, 05:07 AM
*****Interrupting the Single Dad Debate to Bring You an Update**************

We had a good date, he was gentlemanly in all respects. We saw a movies and went to dinner. No physical stuff yet but said he only date one person, doesn't multi-date and seems to want the same from me. Still has his profile up and is active.

johnjdick
05-22-2011, 06:36 AM
Lol. I love how a man is expected to go all out to spend his entire checkbook to impress a woman, but when it comes to sex... y'all advise holding out until he's 'proven himself'. Double standard much? I mean, if you turn it around, shouldn't a guy be allowed to hold off on buying expensive things until a gal has 'proven herself' in bed?

Too many rules. Too many games. Keep it simple. If you enjoy his company, then see him again. If not, then don't.

sananeko
05-22-2011, 08:07 AM
Lol. I love how a man is expected to go all out to spend his entire checkbook to impress a woman, but when it comes to sex... y'all advise holding out until he's 'proven himself'. Double standard much? I mean, if you turn it around, shouldn't a guy be allowed to hold off on buying expensive things until a gal has 'proven herself' in bed?

Too many rules. Too many games. Keep it simple. If you enjoy his company, then see him again. If not, then don't.
I don't need a guy to spend alot of me to impress me. I just don't want to feel like hes holding out on dates. When it comes to sex no matter how much they try to spend I still wait a year before sex. I don't even like to go to fancy eating places, I rather have something nice at home, then go out dancing or a movie.

tampadancer
05-22-2011, 08:51 AM
^^A YEAR?!?!?! Damn. I feel like queen slut of the universe suddenly ;D

Elusive21
05-22-2011, 09:23 AM
. We are past date 3 but I want to try and wait 2 months just to make sure there's a relationship in place and he's not just in it for sex:) I will say I don't know what reason to give for holding off on sex since I was going to use "I only have sex within an exclusive relationship" Thoughts?

Tell him that you just like to take things slow and get to know him better before you jump in the sack with him, but when you're ready the gettings going to be good! ;D

and no i dont thing this is game playing at all, since you're telling him the truth from the start (truth being you want to wait and not rush things) and laying down the rules for him. nothing wrong with that!

also, im really glad your date went well!!!!

sananeko
05-22-2011, 09:32 AM
^^A YEAR?!?!?! Damn. I feel like queen slut of the universe suddenly ;D
I seem to attract alot of bang and go guys.. I keep being told I'm waiting too long but as I happily say I don't have a kid with a non married controlling daddy.. (A friend of mine that called bullshit on my knack for loser men) I don't even tell them they have to wait a year, they just seem to never show up again after the first date and they didn't get some. I'm very happy with my wait cause even the most patience scorers will not waste such time just for one night.

Kellydancer
05-22-2011, 11:05 AM
I seem to attract alot of bang and go guys.. I keep being told I'm waiting too long but as I happily say I don't have a kid with a non married controlling daddy.. (A friend of mine that called bullshit on my knack for loser men) I don't even tell them they have to wait a year, they just seem to never show up again after the first date and they didn't get some. I'm very happy with my wait cause even the most patience scorers will not waste such time just for one night.

This is why I believe in waiting. In the past I slept too soon with some guys only to find out he wasn't interested in me that way. I've fallen for guys I slept with only to find out he only wanted sex from me then married the next girl he dated. I often think this is why I am still single.

Is there a double standard for expecting him to spend but to wait for sex? Perhaps but there is also a double standard for men who get sex too early with a woman. I've heard many men state that if they get sex early the girl becomes a sex only situation NOT a potential girlfriend. For every woman who says she had sex on the first date with her now husband there are probably 100 women who had sex on the first date and got their heart broken because he wasn't interested in her for anything but a fuck buddy. I am looking for a husband so no I will not be sleeping with a guy.

sananeko
05-22-2011, 11:24 AM
This is why I believe in waiting. In the past I slept too soon with some guys only to find out he wasn't interested in me that way. I've fallen for guys I slept with only to find out he only wanted sex from me then married the next girl he dated. I often think this is why I am still single.

Is there a double standard for expecting him to spend but to wait for sex? Perhaps but there is also a double standard for men who get sex too early with a woman. I've heard many men state that if they get sex early the girl becomes a sex only situation NOT a potential girlfriend. For every woman who says she had sex on the first date with her now husband there are probably 100 women who had sex on the first date and got their heart broken because he wasn't interested in her for anything but a fuck buddy. I am looking for a husband so no I will not be sleeping with a guy.

I have only met one man that took the time. My first waited five years for me to be ready. I would still be with him if he didn't get too comfy with me. I understand when your in sync.. but when he starts thinking his problems are mine and they are all personal I think it time to step back and let him know I'm not a fixer.. I may build and know how to put in piping and lights but when your the college grad.. had five different jobs and I think six cars.. I think you would know how to buy your own car.. and make cover letters. But rant aside. I might just be picky of my men and women but I don't like being treated as a fad toy.

Kellydancer
05-22-2011, 11:34 AM
Unfortunately now most men won't wait, which stinks. With the loosening of values and online dating men think they should get sex within a the first few dates. After all if they don't get it they move on. However, I have my eyes on the prize and once I meet the guy I'll marry then he'll be willing to wait because he'll know I am the one.

sananeko
05-22-2011, 11:50 AM
^^ I wish to say good luck. I know now we need to get back to topic.

Kellydancer
05-22-2011, 11:58 AM
Thanks. Yeah this is going off topic but in a way guys who mention this do have a point. I know for me I would hate to spend money not getting laid, but on the other hand I am not the type of woman who expects a man to spend a lot until we are serious. In fact I hate when guys overspend at first. I think that's why I still think she should give him a chance because like what was mentioned he may be casually dating others for awhile.

Camateur
05-22-2011, 01:54 PM
^^^^He actually said he's only dating me and that he only dates one person at a time, slipped it into conversation.

cherryblossomsinspring
05-22-2011, 07:54 PM
Ok first off I read the whole thread and I'm happy about Friday's night outcome.

Again do not be fooled by someone being alittle nicer than before.

Look at the key words. " I want to make dinner for you again"
" I only date one person at a time".

What I'm reading is "bullshit". I'm not saying he's not a great guy and so forth and so on but there are dozens out there like him. I even have male friends that use these exact same lines to get laid. Let's just say they aren't friends anymore because I didn't want to be around when shit hit the fan and they got their car keyed by some love struck girl. It's horrible.

Do not and I mean do not sleep with him.

See when you were over the first time he would have fucked you right there. What does that say? Sound like a real decent guy? Nope. He'll fuck if he can which means that it really doesn't matter who was over at the house as long as he was going to eventually get some.

The whole " making dinner" and "i date one person at a time. Is the same as saying " I eat one meal at a time" . I fuck one person at a time. He's telling the truth because honestly he can't fuck two girls at the same time. Most men are equipped with only one dick. Atleast that's the word on the street. This doesn't mean that he hasn't dated someone or you've been added to the rotation.

Again he could be a really great stand up guy, but to me when a guy puts this forth , I feel he may be trying hard to make you put your guard down and usually that's where you find out that he's not as great as he said he was. If he's truly serious his dating profile would be closed down.

Now if you look at his dating profile and it shows he's been logging in , then in other words... "he's still shopping". So why should you put all your eggs in one basket when he's putting irons in the fire?

Just wait and enjoy everything else with him. If he's real about his intentions, going to his house for "dinner" will not come up for a while. Any time a guy tries to get a girl over for a meal , it's because he's trying to score. Take the comfy home out of the equation and you're left with saying goodnight and goodbye each time.

CoolBreeze
05-22-2011, 09:47 PM
As for your date being being cheap... what Isobel said.

Personally I don't mind spending money and going out, but I also like being home and domestic. :) Hopefully he doesn't turn out like the guys so many of the others have experienced.

NeedsHelp123
05-22-2011, 10:00 PM
I'm very much against the fact that women think men should pay for everything, even in the very beginning of a relationship.

It's about give and take, not take take take from the man so he can 'win you over'.

Now I do not agree with someone being cheap, but i've always been against the man taking the woman out and paying for however many dates, 3..4..5...6.. No thanks, I wan't a woman who can take care of herself and shows that she want's to actually be out with me as much, I her...


How about women take men out for dinner, huh?

Some of you ask for equality but I don't see it, If you like a man, why don't you take him out, eh?

Camateur
05-22-2011, 10:19 PM
deleted for anonymity thanks for the response:)

Camateur
05-22-2011, 10:21 PM
Quote: CoolBreeze: "And not to be a downer, but the things he said and did are almost line by line from what you posted here. Probably just a coincidence, but something I noticed."

thanks for your response but I didn't quite understand this?

Camateur
05-22-2011, 11:08 PM
Quote: Now if you look at his dating profile and it shows he's been logging in , then in other words... "he's still shopping". So why should you put all your eggs in one basket when he's putting irons in the fire?

^^I just checked and it said he logged on recently, but I have logged on too; I feel like 3 dates may be too new for taking down profiles, no?

Kellydancer
05-22-2011, 11:19 PM
I'm very much against the fact that women think men should pay for everything, even in the very beginning of a relationship.

It's about give and take, not take take take from the man so he can 'win you over'.

Now I do not agree with someone being cheap, but i've always been against the man taking the woman out and paying for however many dates, 3..4..5...6.. No thanks, I wan't a woman who can take care of herself and shows that she want's to actually be out with me as much, I her...


How about women take men out for dinner, huh?

Some of you ask for equality but I don't see it, If you like a man, why don't you take him out, eh?

Unfortunately some women feel the man should pay for everything. I disagree and feel if we want full equality this needs to change. When I ask a guy out I pay. If he asks me out I expect him to pay but I offer money or to split. For instance he pays for movie tickets while I'll buy treats.

Camateur
05-22-2011, 11:43 PM
The thought just crossed my mind that he might be reading this thread. :-\

I still don't understand?

sananeko
05-23-2011, 12:06 AM
I still don't understand?
.... he might be reading what your writing... That is what hes trying to say..

CoolBreeze
05-23-2011, 07:58 AM
Hopefully he's a good guy and that what's happening is just natural.

cherryblossomsinspring
05-23-2011, 10:23 AM
Ok I keep seeing the equality issue of paying "halfsies". My view on that ....NOPE. Again look at the forum we're on. Why is it pink? Why is there a separate blue section? Why do we have jobs? Hello am I the only one that gets the point. Sorry as much as we would like to think that men and women view things the same, we're not quite there yet. When you're sharing a stripper pole with a hot chiseled man and you're both doing lap dances side by side ( as man and woman) not as ( I was a man and you're a woman) then we'll be equal. It's just not like that.

So again things haven't changed much. Example. One of my ex has a girlfriend that did "halfsies". He didn't respect her for shit. I told him you pay all or I can pay for myself (alone). He not only paid the bills, but he worshiped the ground I walked on.

The men that want women to pay half of things or want them to split the bill are really just being cheap. They are liking the new wave of women that are desperate to show equality that they'll foot the bills and he gets to reap the full benefits. Trust me if she ends up getting pregnant after their halfsies meal, I'm pretty sure the guy will not be running to the doctor by himself yelling " I THINK I'M LATE"!"

For the guys that said pay to date me... If you really want that join What's your price and go into the "attractive member" section. You'll be paid to date but don't be surprised if you're not that attracted to the ladies that contact you, or worse that you get contacted by men instead.

Also you would feel it silly to go and pay a girl to get naked and grind on you. You would instead pay for the nail polish bottle she has in her personal stash because that color is something you've been looking for all season. You would spend money just chatting with her because you've been dying to find someone that can go shopping with you for the latest cork sandals.

^ Come on now...

Again where are the straight male strip clubs? Why are the ones that still run only for gay men wanting to look at other gay men? H...E....L....L....O

So let's get back to the thread and stop pretending that dating is the same for a woman and man. We all have been there done that and have seen the differences of how each sex approaches ummm SEX.

I say wait for a few months. Even if you go exclusive with him. wait until he says this. Guys that like to bullshit are really waiting to hear what's in your head so they know how to respond and treat you. So the more quiet you are about what you want , the better you are. Why? Because he will be sitting there figuring out what it is you want and trying to conceal what he truly wants. At some point he will put in all on the table but I say don't mention being exclusive. Let him state that's what he wants and still after you become bf and gf don't sleep with him.

If being a gf and bf just means we get to fuck now , then you've joined the new game in town. There are many men that get girlfriends not because they are really into the woman, but they've learned that this is the smartest and easiest way to get laid consistently for cheap.

Dinner becomes a canned moment. Time together is spent watching tv. Ohh and you'll be doing alot of hot sex. Did anything change? Only the amount he spends on you now. So don't be fooled by empty titles. I've seen women stay with a man for 10 years and realize late that he never planned to marry them. Why? because why pay when you're getting everything for free? These guys may love the woman , but they were never IN love and enjoyed the consistent piece of ass.

^ This is the new game I call. " The Bullshit Title". Don't fall for it.

I recall reading a blog not to long ago about a "cheater". He had 3 girlfriends and he gave them different birthdays ex 4 14 24. Kept the dates close so that if she looked at his id card he could say that there was an error with dmv. This guy was smart. I mean a douchebag but a smart one. I could only respect how good he was at playing all of these women.

Also you have to look at how much this guy brings you into his circle. His friends, family, etc. If he's not comfortable with sharing details about his life, goals, etc then something may be off. Does he have a fb, myspace? Are you on it? See don't push the issue but just wait to see what he offers.

It's still early right now, just enjoy him without the sex. If he starts getting cold because he's not getting any, then move on. If you both feel you struck gold then there would be no need to look at any other profiles or respond to messages from other "potentials".

Camateur
05-23-2011, 12:26 PM
The thought just crossed my mind that he might be reading this thread. :-\

Would you please delete/edit out my story (quoted) from your last reply; I think you might be right or it may happen if it hasn't yet lol. Thank you!

Kellydancer
05-23-2011, 12:37 PM
Ok I keep seeing the equality issue of paying "halfsies". My view on that ....NOPE. Again look at the forum we're on. Why is it pink? Why is there a separate blue section? Why do we have jobs? Hello am I the only one that gets the point. Sorry as much as we would like to think that men and women view things the same, we're not quite there yet. When you're sharing a stripper pole with a hot chiseled man and you're both doing lap dances side by side ( as man and woman) not as ( I was a man and you're a woman) then we'll be equal. It's just not like that.

So again things haven't changed much. Example. One of my ex has a girlfriend that did "halfsies". He didn't respect her for shit. I told him you pay all or I can pay for myself (alone). He not only paid the bills, but he worshiped the ground I walked on.

The men that want women to pay half of things or want them to split the bill are really just being cheap. They are liking the new wave of women that are desperate to show equality that they'll foot the bills and he gets to reap the full benefits. Trust me if she ends up getting pregnant after their halfsies meal, I'm pretty sure the guy will not be running to the doctor by himself yelling " I THINK I'M LATE"!"

For the guys that said pay to date me... If you really want that join What's your price and go into the "attractive member" section. You'll be paid to date but don't be surprised if you're not that attracted to the ladies that contact you, or worse that you get contacted by men instead.

Also you would feel it silly to go and pay a girl to get naked and grind on you. You would instead pay for the nail polish bottle she has in her personal stash because that color is something you've been looking for all season. You would spend money just chatting with her because you've been dying to find someone that can go shopping with you for the latest cork sandals.

^ Come on now...

Again where are the straight male strip clubs? Why are the ones that still run only for gay men wanting to look at other gay men? H...E....L....L....O

So let's get back to the thread and stop pretending that dating is the same for a woman and man. We all have been there done that and have seen the differences of how each sex approaches ummm SEX.

I say wait for a few months. Even if you go exclusive with him. wait until he says this. Guys that like to bullshit are really waiting to hear what's in your head so they know how to respond and treat you. So the more quiet you are about what you want , the better you are. Why? Because he will be sitting there figuring out what it is you want and trying to conceal what he truly wants. At some point he will put in all on the table but I say don't mention being exclusive. Let him state that's what he wants and still after you become bf and gf don't sleep with him.

If being a gf and bf just means we get to fuck now , then you've joined the new game in town. There are many men that get girlfriends not because they are really into the woman, but they've learned that this is the smartest and easiest way to get laid consistently for cheap.

Dinner becomes a canned moment. Time together is spent watching tv. Ohh and you'll be doing alot of hot sex. Did anything change? Only the amount he spends on you now. So don't be fooled by empty titles. I've seen women stay with a man for 10 years and realize late that he never planned to marry them. Why? because why pay when you're getting everything for free? These guys may love the woman , but they were never IN love and enjoyed the consistent piece of ass.

^ This is the new game I call. " The Bullshit Title". Don't fall for it.

I recall reading a blog not to long ago about a "cheater". He had 3 girlfriends and he gave them different birthdays ex 4 14 24. Kept the dates close so that if she looked at his id card he could say that there was an error with dmv. This guy was smart. I mean a douchebag but a smart one. I could only respect how good he was at playing all of these women.

Also you have to look at how much this guy brings you into his circle. His friends, family, etc. If he's not comfortable with sharing details about his life, goals, etc then something may be off. Does he have a fb, myspace? Are you on it? See don't push the issue but just wait to see what he offers.

It's still early right now, just enjoy him without the sex. If he starts getting cold because he's not getting any, then move on. If you both feel you struck gold then there would be no need to look at any other profiles or respond to messages from other "potentials".

But what if a woman is making more than a man? It's not fair that he pays all the bills. I know way too many women that say "I'll just get pregnant so I can stay home and he pays the bills". What is this the 50's again? Men shouldn't be paying for a woman who can work. I realize pregnancy does put a limitation on things, but still doesn't give a woman the right to be lazy. Most women I know still work during pregnancy and even after when they come back from maternity leave. I've never heard of a guy not respecting a woman because she pays halfsies. In fact my personal experience has been the guys who expect to pay for everything also expect me to give up my career and have his take priority. being that I have a masters I will not let that go to waste. People often make the excuse that women should pay less because many make less. While I am against a woman making less when it's discrimination (this happened to me)on the other hand I sometimes understand why employers pay less because they look at the lazy women who quit and assume all women do this.

As for why there aren't male strip clubs, it's because people are under the impression women don't like them. These same people make the assumption that ALL women love shoes, and everything stereotypically female. I just got into an argument with a relative who was mad I refused to attend a baby shower with women only because "women love showers". Um, no I hate anything that enforce gender roles, and while I am fine with women liking these, don't assume all women do.

Having said all of this, I will say that if a man asked me out I do expect him to pay and when he doesn't then I know he's not interested. However this is much different than later on when we are a couple and share finances. I also know I will not sleep with a guy for several months while dating.

I often wonder that the reason many women here think the man should pay for everything is because of being attractive. I get this myself and kind of had an attitude like this in my 20's as well. However as I've gotten older I want a guy to want me for me and not my looks which will eventually fade.

Optimist
05-23-2011, 05:04 PM
Lol. I love how a man is expected to go all out to spend his entire checkbook to impress a woman, but when it comes to sex... y'all advise holding out until he's 'proven himself'. Double standard much? I mean, if you turn it around, shouldn't a guy be allowed to hold off on buying expensive things until a gal has 'proven herself' in bed?

Too many rules. Too many games. Keep it simple. If you enjoy his company, then see him again. If not, then don't.

It's only holding out if sex is all he's there for. I get that you may feel comfortable fucking virtual strangers but not everybody is. So I wouldn't judge them by saying they have a double standard. They're probably just looking for something different than you had in mind. Also I don't fee $50-100 on a date is going "all out". I've casually spent that much taking people I've dated out for the fun of it. Getting some later isn't tied to that at all.

Optimist
05-23-2011, 05:21 PM
It's still early right now, just enjoy him without the sex. If he starts getting cold because he's not getting any, then move on. If you both feel you struck gold then there would be no need to look at any other profiles or respond to messages from other "potentials".

Exactly. That's why I said hold your horses and just go with this for a while before you instantly call this perfect. He's still fielding offers. So, it's not that he isn't dating anyone else by choice, it's just by chance. Keep that in mind because you now know something about how he communicates with you. It's not crystal clear and upfront. I'm not saying he's wrong to keep fielding offers, he's just not honest about it. That's another reason to downgrade him from exclusive status so you are investing as much as he is. Keep taking letters and see where it all goes because he's not off the market.

NeedsHelp123
05-23-2011, 05:26 PM
The men that want women to pay half of things or want them to split the bill are really just being cheap.





Yes because wanting an adult relationship means being cheap. I prefer women who don't enjoy to just sponge off of their partner and contribute just as much, women who actually have their own career, aspirations and make their own money, who can actually contribute something to an adult relationship other than 'being a woman and deserving me paying for everything'

That is what a true relationship is, give and take, not let the woman take all the money because she is a woman and deserves it. That' just childish thinking.

A true relationship involves equal give and take, equal partners.

It doesn't have to be a big deal as you make it as, there are A LOT of independent women out there looking for adult relationships, unlike yourself because 'you're so hot the man should pay for everything'

Is it so much to ask for when going out with a woman and I buy a $150 dinner that she pay $20-30 so we can go to the movies? Some women act like this is the end of the world.. LOL. To me it shows that I need to get out of there and that she isn't showing that she wants me around.
I'm not looking to 'take care of someone', I'm looking for a relationship

I'm not into courting women with money to 'win them over', I'm looking to meet an independent woman who wants to get to know me as much as I do her.



Comparing men paying you at a strip club to making your partner pay for everything because 'all other men do' is just ridiculous! and that's what you're saying.

rickdugan
05-23-2011, 06:59 PM
Lol. I love how a man is expected to go all out to spend his entire checkbook to impress a woman, but when it comes to sex... y'all advise holding out until he's 'proven himself'. Double standard much? I mean, if you turn it around, shouldn't a guy be allowed to hold off on buying expensive things until a gal has 'proven herself' in bed?

Too many rules. Too many games. Keep it simple. If you enjoy his company, then see him again. If not, then don't.

The last part is right on the mark IMHO. Why complicate it? If you like him, see how it goes and if not, then don't.

But I am also a believer in the theory that a little wooing by the guy is expected. It doesn't always need to be an expensive night out, but he should be making some effort to win her affections.

Though idk about these comments about waiting up to a year or more to have sex. LOL. That would be difficult for even many good guys in their 30s to take. I'm not sure that it is reasonable or realistic to expect a guy who has been sexually active for many years, and in many relationships, to revert to spending a long period of time living like a celibate teenager. I never ran across this when I was dating in my mid-thirties and, in fact, the nice thing about dating at that age is the general lack of pretense around sex. After all, nobody is getting any younger. But if I had experienced this, I probably would have assumed that either she: (1) really didn't want to be with me; or (2) had some mental or physical problems relating to sex.

But ladies, whatever you do, NEVER tell a guy that you want to wait because you have been too quick to jump in bed in the past. The guy translation of this is: I used to give it up to every swinging dick with a nice smile and a beer in his hand, but you're the sucker I'm going to jerk around and hold out on. Make up something if you need to, but under no circumstances tell him anything close to this.

Anyway, just my :twocents:

Kellydancer
05-23-2011, 07:42 PM
The last part is right on the mark IMHO. Why complicate it? If you like him, see how it goes and if not, then don't.

But I am also a believer in the theory that a little wooing by the guy is expected. It doesn't always need to be an expensive night out, but he should be making some effort to win her affections.

Though idk about these comments about waiting up to a year or more to have sex. LOL. That would be difficult for even many good guys in their 30s to take. I'm not sure that it is reasonable or realistic to expect a guy who has been sexually active for many years, and in many relationships, to revert to spending a long period of time living like a celibate teenager. I never ran across this when I was dating in my mid-thirties and, in fact, the nice thing about dating at that age is the general lack of pretense around sex. After all, nobody is getting any younger. But if I had experienced this, I probably would have assumed that either she: (1) really didn't want to be with me; or (2) had some mental or physical problems relating to sex.

But ladies, whatever you do, NEVER tell a guy that you want to wait because you have been too quick to jump in bed in the past. The guy translation of this is: I used to give it up to every swinging dick with a nice smile and a beer in his hand, but you're the sucker I'm going to jerk around and hold out on. Make up something if you need to, but under no circumstances tell him anything close to this.

Anyway, just my :twocents:

I actually agree with you about not telling men wanting to wait because it was too early in the past. Men yes do think then the girl was a slut.

I don't think there is a set time to wait to have sex but I want to wait until it's a serious relationship and heading for marriage. I would love to wait until marriage but will that happen? Likely not.

Camateur
05-23-2011, 07:54 PM
Exactly. That's why I said hold your horses and just go with this for a while before you instantly call this perfect. He's still fielding offers. So, it's not that he isn't dating anyone else by choice, it's just by chance. Keep that in mind because you now know something about how he communicates with you. It's not crystal clear and upfront. I'm not saying he's wrong to keep fielding offers, he's just not honest about it. That's another reason to downgrade him from exclusive status so you are investing as much as he is. Keep taking letters and see where it all goes because he's not off the market.


Well he was stressing that I may have went on a date this weekend and also saying he didn't want me to and also saying "I date one person at a time" All this pretense makes me feel like saying to him, why are you telling me all this and you still have your profile up? Or would this be wrong to do? he's all diarrhea of the mouth/ honesty blah blah seems like I could broach this blinding hypocritsy with him, no?

Camateur
05-23-2011, 08:07 PM
Exactly. That's why I said hold your horses and just go with this for a while before you instantly call this perfect. He's still fielding offers. So, it's not that he isn't dating anyone else by choice, it's just by chance. Keep that in mind because you now know something about how he communicates with you. It's not crystal clear and upfront. I'm not saying he's wrong to keep fielding offers, he's just not honest about it. That's another reason to downgrade him from exclusive status so you are investing as much as he is. Keep taking letters and see where it all goes because he's not off the market.


Also I'm feeling like "he's just not that into me" if he still logs in to the dating site. I like him but don't want to look at this through rose-colored glasses..If he was very into me he wouldn't log in. Starting to feel like I should end it..argh..

Kellydancer
05-23-2011, 08:13 PM
Also I'm feeling like "he's just not that into me" if he still logs in to the dating site. I like him but don't want to look at this through rose-colored glasses..If he was very into me he wouldn't log in. Starting to feel like I should end it..argh..

Is this a free site? If so what you should do is create a second profile and flirt with him. Sounds immature but I've done this before and I found out the guys not really into me.

NeedsHelp123
05-23-2011, 08:13 PM
Aren't you being a bit hypocritical? You are also logging into the website, to see if he is logging into the website.

Maybe he is logging into the website, to see if you are logging into the website and is wondering why you are logging into the website while you think the same thing about why he is logging into the website and it has become this big logging into the website to see who is logging into the website and it's just this big circle.


People don't just close down online profiles after a few dates with someone. If so, why haven't you??

Camateur
05-23-2011, 08:23 PM
Aren't you being a bit hypocritical? You are also logging into the website, to see if he is logging into the website.

Maybe he is logging into the website, to see if you are logging into the website and is wondering why you are logging into the website while you think the same thing about why he is logging into the website and it has become this big logging into the website to see who is logging into the website and it's just this big circle.


People don't just close down online profiles after a few dates with someone. If so, why haven't you??

I just did, I disabled it, not saying he must take it down but if he was "wowed" by me, I would think he wouldn't still be "active" on it. Your post made me laugh (not sarcasm); I wish that were true.

Camateur
05-23-2011, 08:24 PM
Is this a free site? If so what you should do is create a second profile and flirt with him. Sounds immature but I've done this before and I found out the guys not really into me.

ehh, that's a bit too immature for me, but the thought crossed my mind.

rickdugan
05-23-2011, 08:26 PM
Also I'm feeling like "he's just not that into me" if he still logs in to the dating site. I like him but don't want to look at this through rose-colored glasses..If he was very into me he wouldn't log in. Starting to feel like I should end it..argh..

Idk, but the first two dates are very concerning - for whatever reason he didn't put forth much effort. Add the non-phone call texts as his primary way of communicating with you (at least before you put a stop to that) and I'm really starting to think that he is playing around. The fact that he managed a decent dinner and movie date by try #3 isn't really mitigating my thoughts on this, particularly since he is still logging into the dating site.

Cam, I would not blame you in the least if you pulled the plug on him at this point. You sound like a very sweet and attractive girl and I have no doubt that there are plenty of guys out there who would be thrilled to have you on their arms.

Anyway, just my :twocents:

carmen_b
05-24-2011, 12:01 AM
Cam : It's only been three dates, so I don't think you should worry about the profile quite yet. Wait till it's been like 6-10 dates. I'm not sure if this is the case, but it occured to me that he planned the money date for "Friday". I wonder if he's sort of living pay check to pay check ? Many people get paid on Friday.

dreamer1980
05-24-2011, 02:09 AM
Maybe he is logging into the website, to see if you are logging into the website and is wondering why you are logging into the website while you think the same thing about why he is logging into the website and it has become this big logging into the website to see who is logging into the website and it's just this big circle.

:rotfl:
that was great!

CoolBreeze
05-24-2011, 09:14 PM
...why are you telling me all this and you still have your profile up? Or would this be wrong to do? he's all diarrhea of the mouth/ honesty blah blah seems like I could broach this blinding hypocritsy with him, no?

I don't think it's wrong at all. Mentioning it (tactfully) is exactly what I would do, and then I'd watch his reaction and listen to what he has to say. I don't think I'd be too far off base in thinking you speak body language better than he does. :)

Optimist
05-25-2011, 04:18 AM
Well he was stressing that I may have went on a date this weekend and also saying he didn't want me to and also saying "I date one person at a time" All this pretense makes me feel like saying to him, why are you telling me all this and you still have your profile up? Or would this be wrong to do? he's all diarrhea of the mouth/ honesty blah blah seems like I could broach this blinding hypocritsy with him, no?


Also I'm feeling like "he's just not that into me" if he still logs in to the dating site. I like him but don't want to look at this through rose-colored glasses..If he was very into me he wouldn't log in. Starting to feel like I should end it..argh..

You're going into this with the wrong mindset. You are way too amped up about this guy you don't even know yet. It's like you're playing poker and showing your hand instead of letting it play out. You gotta calm down, this guy is not the end-all-be-all. He's just a guy. So don't make any sudden moves toward or away from him.

Go ahead and say what you want to him. There is nothing to be afraid of. Maybe in the past you have tried to have honest conversations with people you love and depend on only to have them lash out. If so, you need to put the bad experiences aside from this. You should have open communication. If he's shutting that down it's a problem. If you are shutting yourself down, it is a problem. So, ask him what you want. Or just state the silliness of asking you not to go on a date when you are nowhere near the exclusive level and he has one (if not more) profile up. Instead of looking for him to explain why the disconnection between his actions and words you have a right to say you want to wait and get to know him but you reserve the right to keep dating.

All you should be doing is getting to know him. You know he's asking more of you than he's giving you and more than he deserves. Time to ask yourself if you want more of that? Don't react quickly, think about whether you like how he's handling things so far? Is he trustworthy? Is he interested in only you or interesting in locking you down to have when he's on empty?

Camateur
05-25-2011, 06:25 PM
You're going into this with the wrong mindset. You are way too amped up about this guy you don't even know yet. It's like you're playing poker and showing your hand instead of letting it play out. You gotta calm down, this guy is not the end-all-be-all. He's just a guy. So don't make any sudden moves toward or away from him.

Go ahead and say what you want to him. There is nothing to be afraid of. Maybe in the past you have tried to have honest conversations with people you love and depend on only to have them lash out. If so, you need to put the bad experiences aside from this. You should have open communication. If he's shutting that down it's a problem. If you are shutting yourself down, it is a problem. So, ask him what you want. Or just state the silliness of asking you not to go on a date when you are nowhere near the exclusive level and he has one (if not more) profile up. Instead of looking for him to explain why the disconnection between his actions and words you have a right to say you want to wait and get to know him but you reserve the right to keep dating.

All you should be doing is getting to know him. You know he's asking more of you than he's giving you and more than he deserves. Time to ask yourself if you want more of that? Don't react quickly, think about whether you like how he's handling things so far? Is he trustworthy? Is he interested in only you or interesting in locking you down to have when he's on empty?

Awesome reply as usual please see my update below

Camateur
05-25-2011, 07:41 PM
So I decided to ask him about the disparity between his words and his actions after all. Another big catalyst for asking him was that I found a SECOND profile up on a different site that was also active within 24 hours!
I ended up calling him and leaving a message to call me back. He calls me back 3 hours later..After telling him (nicely) that I was a bit confused, why he had told me he hoped I wouldn't go on a date the following night- yet he has a dating profile up that said he "replies frequently" and was online within the last 24 hours (after our date) he denied that he's active saying he must have clicked on an email that he received off site that then puts him as active. (this is not true as I have tested this prior, this may be true with other sites but not with the ones I dealt with.)
He went on to say "I won't open any emails; if you don't want me to" and that he only responds and never messages first (lol at that because there's actual stats available about how seldom women initiate contact and it certainly wouldn't be daily)

I told him I wasn't upset about him being active as it was super early in us knowing each other, just that I was confused why he would ask me not to date others while he continued shopping around online. He then said " I don't know why I even said that, I guess I was just surprised that you would go on a date the very next night"
Please note here; I told him I wasn't going on a date that it was just a friend thing but somehow he still thought it was a date. He went on to say "I'm not shopping around I'm dating you and I don't want to date anyone else."

I then said casually "are you on any other sites?" he flat out said "no" and I said "really?" and then he paused and said "well yeah I was on ----.com , err I am STILL on there."

he then said," is it ok if I call you tomorrow?" (tuesday) this was the day he was supposed to call me so we could make plans for the next date. I said "sure" he said "are you sure?" I say "yes"

Well guess what folks? He never called. This is what happens when you call someone on their bullshit.

Moral of the story or things I learned:


Guys who are emotionally unavailable, only -out- for- sex show signs early on;
the ill planned dinner
trying to get sex on the second date,
pushing of boundaries (I only wanted hand holding and suddenly that turned into groping)
Saying one thing and doing another blatantly (he knew I could see his activity online as I was on the same site)
Professing truth is so important yet took him 3 tries to admit he was also on another site.
Gaslighting- saying something that I know is true isn't and making me feel like I'm crazy.


Some of you might say that I should've waited and that it's too early to bring something like this up. To you guys I say, why wait? I had already seen qualities that I don't want in a future partner, qualities that won't change no matter how long I wait.. If someone's a liar they are a liar from beginning to end, commitment phobe was also obvious early on, him never having lived with anyone, not having an animal or even a plant in all of his 38 yrs is proof enough.
Emotionally unavailable: text messages, shopping around for girls on 2 dating sites.

The role I played in this (oh yes)


Should've called it off on the suggestion of date 2, it was then that I should've realized that unlike his stated site intent of a RELATIONSHIP that this guy was just looking to hook up.

Having a little fantasy in my head that I played into instead of seeing the reality

Having little to no boundaries

Jumping into dating again before I took the time to work on myself .

Online dating in the first place

I now see that this little journey wasn't about finding a guy after all. The trip through dating wonderland was useful in facilitating certain things. I discovered that I barely know myself and that was a scary moment for me. It's with that realization that I am bowing out of the dating world, at least for the time being..

The absolute best thing to come out of this (and worth going through this all over again) was learning about http://baggagereclaim.com thanks Optimist!

Thank you, everyone for your thoughtful and valuable advice

rickdugan
05-26-2011, 05:38 AM
The role I played in this (oh yes)


Should've called it off on the suggestion of date 2, it was then that I should've realized that unlike his stated site intent of a RELATIONSHIP that this guy was just looking to hook up.

Having a little fantasy in my head that I played into instead of seeing the reality

Having little to no boundaries

Jumping into dating again before I took the time to work on myself .

Online dating in the first place
Cam, you did nothing wrong. It is impossible to find love if you do not put yourself out there a bit. He had a good act and you initially believed him, but you ultimately figured him out while it was still early in the process. You can't kick yourself because someone you went on a few dates with was trying to run a game. IMHO the mistakes made here were his, not yours.

Optimist
05-26-2011, 01:11 PM
I'm so glad it was helpful to you. That site is so well done and always has helpful suggestions and questions to ask yourself. You broke his ass down!!!! :rotfl: I wish I could have seen his face! He was talking really crazy to you. He's a douche because all he had to do is be honest that he just wanted sex and there are chicks who are cool with that. Great going!

cherryblossomsinspring
05-27-2011, 06:28 AM
So I decided to ask him about the disparity between his words and his actions after all. Another big catalyst for asking him was that I found a SECOND profile up on a different site that was also active within 24 hours!
I ended up calling him and leaving a message to call me back. He calls me back 3 hours later..After telling him (nicely) that I was a bit confused, why he had told me he hoped I wouldn't go on a date the following night- yet he has a dating profile up that said he "replies frequently" and was online within the last 24 hours (after our date) he denied that he's active saying he must have clicked on an email that he received off site that then puts him as active. (this is not true as I have tested this prior, this may be true with other sites but not with the ones I dealt with.)
He went on to say "I won't open any emails; if you don't want me to" and that he only responds and never messages first (lol at that because there's actual stats available about how seldom women initiate contact and it certainly wouldn't be daily)

I told him I wasn't upset about him being active as it was super early in us knowing each other, just that I was confused why he would ask me not to date others while he continued shopping around online. He then said " I don't know why I even said that, I guess I was just surprised that you would go on a date the very next night"
Please note here; I told him I wasn't going on a date that it was just a friend thing but somehow he still thought it was a date. He went on to say "I'm not shopping around I'm dating you and I don't want to date anyone else."

I then said casually "are you on any other sites?" he flat out said "no" and I said "really?" and then he paused and said "well yeah I was on ----.com , err I am STILL on there."

he then said," is it ok if I call you tomorrow?" (tuesday) this was the day he was supposed to call me so we could make plans for the next date. I said "sure" he said "are you sure?" I say "yes"

Well guess what folks? He never called. This is what happens when you call someone on their bullshit.

Moral of the story or things I learned:


Guys who are emotionally unavailable, only -out- for- sex show signs early on;
the ill planned dinner
trying to get sex on the second date,
pushing of boundaries (I only wanted hand holding and suddenly that turned into groping)
Saying one thing and doing another blatantly (he knew I could see his activity online as I was on the same site)
Professing truth is so important yet took him 3 tries to admit he was also on another site.
Gaslighting- saying something that I know is true isn't and making me feel like I'm crazy.


Some of you might say that I should've waited and that it's too early to bring something like this up. To you guys I say, why wait? I had already seen qualities that I don't want in a future partner, qualities that won't change no matter how long I wait.. If someone's a liar they are a liar from beginning to end, commitment phobe was also obvious early on, him never having lived with anyone, not having an animal or even a plant in all of his 38 yrs is proof enough.
Emotionally unavailable: text messages, shopping around for girls on 2 dating sites.

The role I played in this (oh yes)


Should've called it off on the suggestion of date 2, it was then that I should've realized that unlike his stated site intent of a RELATIONSHIP that this guy was just looking to hook up.

Having a little fantasy in my head that I played into instead of seeing the reality

Having little to no boundaries

Jumping into dating again before I took the time to work on myself .

Online dating in the first place

I now see that this little journey wasn't about finding a guy after all. The trip through dating wonderland was useful in facilitating certain things. I discovered that I barely know myself and that was a scary moment for me. It's with that realization that I am bowing out of the dating world, at least for the time being..

The absolute best thing to come out of this (and worth going through this all over again) was learning about http://baggagereclaim.com thanks Optimist!

Thank you, everyone for your thoughtful and valuable advice

Wow you caught him in his own bullshit! Fantastic!!! I know he's probably kicking himself thinking how did she figure it out? Also think about how quiet this guy got right away like that. I mean to go from being that physically close to a person to shutting down as if they never existed?

I think also him trying harder on date #3 states that it wasn't that he couldn't afford it, it just became more important to do more when he felt he was closer to getting laid.

Ohh and should she have been paying halfsies for a bullshitting bumb like this?

Just think of the ride this guy was trying to take her on.

I want to thank Optimist too . Checked out that site and wow It was pretty dead on!

cherryblossomsinspring
05-27-2011, 07:08 AM
Unfortunately some women feel the man should pay for everything. I disagree and feel if we want full equality this needs to change. When I ask a guy out I pay. If he asks me out I expect him to pay but I offer money or to split. For instance he pays for movie tickets while I'll buy treats.

It's probably because I've never asked a guy out before. So the need for me to break even never has been an option for me.

If a guy doesn't like me enough to ask me out , then that's usually a sign that's he's really not interested and it could only end bad from there. But I've never done this so perhaps someone has a great story of how successful their relationship or now marriage is after they made the first move to ask a guy out on a date and pay half of everything too.

Recently a guy contacted me for a date. This guy was someone that I turned down in the past not because he wasn't attractive, but because he came across desperate. He also seems to be a scatter brain , seems cheap and just has no real direction. He has an added bit of loneliness and has told me that women in his past have dumped him and cheated on him.

He made some references to girls that he's dated that seemed broke and he didn't want to date women like this. He then went into his dating requirements of being ok to pay for the 1st two dates but by date 3, expected the date to split the bill , pay for her own meal, pay for the full meal or any additional entertainment fees.

This guy is not as clever as most men are when it comes to positioning things which is best for any woman he decides to date. He's a talker which means he gives away what he's after without much probing. He's cheap but mainly because he doesn't have much to offer anyone but a conversation which consists of him talking about himself for hours on end. He wants a girl to listen to him without interruption and you can tell how irritated he gets when a call comes through or she has to go after listening to him for 2 hrs straight. I would never date this guy....EVER.

What I did enjoy most was listening to how important he felt he was and how ridiculous his demands on his past dates were. I understood clearly why he's dating and hasn't found anyone that wanted to be around him longer then 2 dates. I'm even surprised a woman gave him that much time. When he realized that dating me would never been an option , he moved to the "let's hang out as friends" module.

I again smiled thinking so he's looking to now enjoy my company for free. The " I'll pick you up....where do you live" only means I want to see what you have ( steak out) and find what I can use , take or steal. Also why would a friend pick you up on the other side of town and need to be relied on to get home. Sounds like hell on wheels for we all know that I would be beating this guy off of me or begging him to take me home .Now why would I be dumb enough to pay to put myself in a situation like that? So I get to pay to be your arm candy and then I NEED you to take me home? I brought up I drive my car you drive yours and we'll meet . The disappointment in his voice was something that he couldn't hide. I don't plan to meet this guy for a glass of water , but I just wanted to hear his true emotions behind "hanging out as friends that pay their own way".

Some people are selfish on too many levels but I really love how horribly honest this guy is even thought he's not trying to be. In a nutshell it's PRICELESS.

Kellydancer
05-27-2011, 11:59 AM
It's probably because I've never asked a guy out before. So the need for me to break even never has been an option for me.

If a guy doesn't like me enough to ask me out , then that's usually a sign that's he's really not interested and it could only end bad from there. But I've never done this so perhaps someone has a great story of how successful their relationship or now marriage is after they made the first move to ask a guy out on a date and pay half of everything too.

I have asked guys out on dates and while most did end up paying for it all, I just like to start it off being equals. That way they can't pull the old routine "I paid for dinner now I want sex". Also, a few of the men were interested but didn't think I would date them so they were able to find this out. Not all men will ask out, especially if they are intimidated.

Btw I am not talking about the guys who have asked me out and expected me to pay my half. I've gone on a few dates with guys who refused to pay for me though they asked me out. These guys never got a second date. Sounds like a contradiction to some but it is not. Demanding one pays their share is different than me offering and them accepting.

Optimist
05-27-2011, 12:01 PM
Thanks cherryblossominspring. I'm glad you liked the site!

This guy you're talking about is a bit of a dolt. He's beyond selfish. :no:

Camateur
05-27-2011, 02:42 PM
[quote=cherryblossomsinspring;2127997]Wow you caught him in his own bullshit! Fantastic!!! I know he's probably kicking himself thinking how did she figure it out? Also think about how quiet this guy got right away like that. I mean to go from being that physically close to a person to shutting down as if they never existed?

^^^Yes! dead give away that he was simply after sex; a guy who was even somewhat into ME and not my "assets" would've called or followed through on the next date. Another thing that was strange, he NEVER paid me one compliment, not even a "you look nice" or anything. I dodged a bullet with that guy. Like I said he was nothing special physically, bad receding hairline and pudgy. Pic he had online showed him in a baseball hat and other pic was when he still had hair. Car was regular, worked for himself, income; $65,000 -$70,000 (tops) Only thing he had going for him was his height (6 1') Where in the world did this dude get his nerve? Are girls actually buying into this and sleeping with him?