View Full Version : Preserving Your Emotional/Psychological Well Being
Exotic0069
10-09-2011, 03:44 PM
This is an excellent thread! Thanks so Much!
loren
10-10-2011, 03:07 AM
Please sticky this thread!
Hands down, separating yourself from work is the best advice ever. Have hobbies, a second job, a social life. One of the best features of dancing is flexibility- use that to your advantage and take some time off when work is starting to get to you. Even when it's not, the occasional week off can help to relieve stress you didn't notice before.
When I'm at work, I am acting like a stripper; and I try to stay in character the whole time I'm at work.
If something bad happens at work like a serious assault where you get bruised or worse; or an attempted rape or actual rape, please take time out and deal with the anger and emotions. Don't think you can drink and drug it away. It will not disappear and it will mess you up if don't take the time to mourn and go through the anger and talk to other people. If you can't afford a psychiatrist do group therapy. Don't ever feel guilty about not working enough. When you need to take time out to get your head straight - do it.
Try to focus on learning not just money. As a stripper you can take time to learn so much. That will make a huge difference for the rest of your life. There have been times where I made great $. I thought I was so great. But the great $ did not last more than a few months here and there, because I was not willing to get that far in the deep end. But I did go deeper than I should have a few times.
I was a pill head and drunk for years. It caught up to me. I got help and did a few regular jobs here and there. I went back to the heavy drinking again when I was not even dancing and had to get help again--- and again and again. When you need help -get it. No matter how many times it takes; just do it.
In the last couple of years I have been learning about history, economics, politics and psychology. Last year I read some design books. When I first started dancing I did not know much about makeup and beauty, or excercise and nutrition - now I know. I don't have a ton of money, but I do have way more knowledge than I did when I first started dancing. Even when bad things happen I can still feel good about myself because I know that I have focused on getting knowledge not just money.
You don't have to take expensive college classes to learn. There is a lot of information available on utube etc. For example The Kahn Acadamy is free and it's on utube.
loren
10-10-2011, 04:41 PM
you are left on your own to figure things out. This is why you will see from time to time a BEAUTIFUL newbie dancer in the back giving head to an old man for $50...... because she didn't go into this industry with enough.... I don't want to say self confidence, but maybe she was too naive, or whatever. Unfortunately, many times these girls end up with pimps, all because they didn't know any better.
To make it worse, men like the above mentioned prey off girls like this! That's why, if we think back, when we were new, we would get approached by that cliche guy saying, "Why do you work here? You are too good for this... " If you notice, those guys only approach the newer, virginal strippers, with the blinking red light on their heads, who will actually listen to their crap. I haven't been approached by one of those guys in years!
3. Don't do it full time! Have something on the side..... whether it's school, a day job, a trade, a business, ANYTHING! You will go crazy otherwise.
I will add some more if I think of anything, and I hope others can contribute some basic rules/things to remember when getting into this industry.... I hope this helps you guysLet's not forget survivors guilt. You willl meet really nice girls who don't realize that this is an acting/sales job. These girls will hang out with custys free of charge and just get drunk. They want to convince themselves and others that they are really smart and nice; not phony and dumb like those other girls.
Often times, these girls don't make their house fee and wind up in debt to the club. When they do make money, they don't get to keep it. Why??... because they are in debt to the club. They wind up homeless. They lose their car and/or go to jail because of driving home after drinking on the job (which is encouraged in most places). Because they spent their time getting drunk, instead of selling lap dances, they don't have enough money for a cab.
Have no shame at all about the fact that you are an actress who is playing the role of a stripper. Don't get drunk with the custys, even if there is an incentive to do so. Losing custody of your children and spending 4 months in prison for felony DUI is not worth it.
When a custy starts going over the line into your personal life, give them lines that are such blatantly obvious lies till they get the hint. For example - I am studying to be a nuero surgeon and have 10 kids and do porn movies every day.
If you can't handle the acting part of this job, don't do it!
When a guy says what do I get in the VIP - don't act desperate. You can say I'm just telling you your options but the decision is up to you. You can make a joke and say something like a bag of peanuts or a super size bucket of extra crispy Ketucky Fried Chicken. (thank you stripper success secrets for the joke idea. I used that a lot when I first started dancing.)
If you are witness to, or the victim of attempted or actual rape (aka custy trying to stick anything into a dancers ___ (like his finger))- you will be in shock and denial. That is the normal response. Normal people who are not criminals are always going to be in shock and denial. Even when you have seen, or dealt with it more than once, it will still make you uncomfortable in some way. Anger is one of the most common uncomfortable feelings that you will experience. The same goes for physical abuse.
Don't blame the victim. Reach out to her. Say are you ok? I saw what that guy did. Offer advice on how you handle or avoid those situations. Acknowledge that it's ok for her to be in shock and freaked out.
As for the predators who go to strip clubs looking for sex - if you see a girl who has been convinced by one of those predators that she should be ok with having sex instead of doing a lap dance, realize that she needs help. If a guy wants a hooker he knows damn well a strip club is not a brothel. Guys like that take advantage of naiive girls who don't have the confidence to sell lap dances. They know that everyone will get mad at his prey instead of him -the predator.
The best way to handle survivors guilt is to set a good example.
Don't talk to custys for hours on end, free of charge. If the club is full of custys not willing to buy a lap dance- get out your cell phone and start texting your friends. Talk to other girls. When a new group comes in, give them a try.
Don't take off your clothes on stage for free. If not one person puts a dollar on stage, not one person gets to see you with out your clothes. The entrance fee they pay is going to the club owner, not you. Remember that you pay more in house fees and tip outs than they pay to walk in the club. You are not a slave who is doing this for free. Don't ever let anyone convince you that it is acceptable to work for free. You are there to make $$!! You are not a slave!
Acknowledge the fact that guys don't go to strip clubs to watch girls dance on a pole. They go there for lap dances. Always remember, when you are at work playing your role as a stripper, you are not there to play the role of a prima ballerina, a Cirque du Soliel performer, or a Broadway dancer. You are playing the role of a stripper who does lap dances. Accept the role that you are there to play and have confidence doing it.
Accept reality. You will not become a rich person from stripping. People who are born into money don't work at strip clubs. Have confidence in who you are and the valuable service that you provide. Because of us men can get lap dances and not get some STD to take home to their wife. Think of how much higher the rate of divorce would be with out us.
Most important - Men are not women. They have fought in wars since the begining of human history. They have been hunting since the begining of human history. Now they go to work. That is how they get the money for the entrance fee. They are not frightened children. Do not allow your self to be a vulnerable, target for unscrupulous, wrongdoers. If a guy can not commit to a dance after talking to him for 2-3 songs MAX- walk away politely by telling him that you will come back later when he is ready for a dance. If you talk to a guy for free longer than 2-3 songs, you have been done wrong and you yourself have become a wrong doer for not allowing him to choose who he wants.
loren
10-12-2011, 10:34 PM
When a criminal such as a wife beater or rapist tries to say some bs like - well it was the way she was dancing or because she looked a certain way, or the eggs were not cooked properly or the counter was dirty - know that he is just a criminal trying to justify his criminal actions. One of the many reasons that rape and assualt and battery is illegal is because we live in a capitalist society and can't have people all messed up in the head or physically messed up. When a person is messed up in the head or physically messed up they can't be a contributing member of society.
A normal person will not commit rape no matter what position your body is in. Only rapists commit rape. It has nothing to do with what you look like or what you are wearing or if your legs or arms are in a certain position.
Authentic NO with a smile
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=emEoSH7p9JE&feature=related
Be comfortably assertive when saying no to unreasonable requests
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SZynhvBShqU&feature=related
It's ok to disagree
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XI5XBKZZBIc&feature=related
Raise your assertiveness IQ 1/5 (the working for free part in vids 4&5 obviously don't apply to stripping other than the 2-3 song max of qualifying a potential sale)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DfpVNOHwxUo&feature=related
MelissaBlade
10-22-2011, 09:16 PM
This is a fabulous post....for all girls in the sex industry. And even for those who aren't, the issue of setting boundaries is critical to all women.
la.belle
10-23-2011, 11:05 PM
What kept me sane was refusing to dance for some guys, if they looked dirty or were all gropey etc. This is how I got by and I danced in major high contact clubs.
Felons_Felony
10-25-2011, 09:46 PM
I love this post for so many different reasons. It's really great to be able to discuss the delicacies of this profession in an open forum with people who straight -get it-. When I first started dancing, over a year ago, my then-boyfriend told me that it was going to be real work. I didn't believe him because I was frequently partying, drunk, and naked. I didn't take into account how hard it'd be to work through personal issues relating to sex; I was raped when I was sixteen at a party. I didn't realize how hard it'd hit me, all of the factors which threaten to topple self-esteem. All my life, I've been told I was really pretty; when my personal appearance became something of a financial asset, it took a toll (and I'm still working on this) on how I feel about my real life assets. Now that I'm going back into dancing after having moved out of my hometown, here's a list of stuff I wish I could go back and tell myself. Maybe I'd be a happier person for it, but you gotta take it day-by-day. A poet here in Louisville wrote, "Two horses fighting: one black, one white. Which one will win? The one you feed the most." I'm going to go into dancing in this new city trying my hardest to only feed that white horse.
1.) KEEP YOUR SHIT TOGETHER ABOUT HAVING HOBBIES AND LEARNING NEW THINGS. I can't even stress this enough. I was dancing full-time to try to save enough money to move away, and it ended up not only being really emotionally grating, but it consumed my life such that I wasn't even making much money. My fiance & I decided to take some of my dancing money and invest it in buying & fixing used cars. Learning new skills was intellectually rewarding, and it became really lucrative because I'd go to work with things to talk about with custies (not to mention the fact that I wasn't ALWAYS THERE). Anything to take your mind off of the club nonsense. Anything. It's no different than any other job in that respect.
2.) Be pretty for YOURSELF. Anyone -- male, female, custy, whatever -- can sit there and prattle off what turns them on, but if those qualities are represented by a person who doesn't feel pretty, then they're not going to matter. It leads you down a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you're sitting in the locker room flipping out about whether or not customers are going to favor you, they're not going to favor you. Put all that shit aside. It's going to affect your pocketbook and, worse yet, it's going to affect the way you feel about how you look when you come home.
3.) I had a housemom tell me early on, "Image in this job is EVERYTHING." No, it's not. Just because dancers spend a lot of time getting looked at doesn't mean they don't spend just as much time getting spoken to. For me, stripping was more detrimental to how I felt about my intellect than my looks. ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS give yourself something to feel good about yourself that has NOTHING to do with how you look.
4.) If you're a victim of sexual assault like I am, take a second to ask yourself how that's going to relate to your job. I'm not asking you to reopen old wounds, or get into some psychoanalytical cycle with yourself; just take it into consideration. Really think about it. No one deserves to go to work every evening feeling unsafe. You have to advocate for yourself. Recognize signs of manipulation. Brings me to my next point...
5.) had a customer who had multiple girlfriends: one of them was a dancer I worked with, and he showed romantic interest in myself as well. When I told him I was dead-set on being with my fiance, he told me I would never be happy. RED FUCKING FLAGS. You should NEVER allow anyone, especially a custy or a coworker, to manipulate your thought processes. Don't ignore red flags. They go off for a reason. And getting too involved with custies or coworkers when red flags are going off is only going to put you in a vulnerable position.
6.) You are a more important person than your dancer persona is. People go to work so that they can survive as comfortably as they can. If you're working to facilitate a life in which you're not happy, it's my belief that you're fucking up.
7.) If people in the "real world" know about your job, don't let them let that fact overtake how they relate to you. When I began dancing, most of my roommates (I had ten at the time) wouldn't shut the fuck up about it. I had to verbally remind them that I was still the same girl getting drunk with them in the living room every night. My boyfriend at the time commented, "It's really hot knowing that you go to work and get paid to not have sex with guys, then come home and have sex with me for free." Our romance basically dissolved at that point. You gotta associate with people who love you for you. NEVER LET YOURSELF BELIEVE THAT YOU ARE "JUST A STRIPPER."
A lot of this stuff, I'm writing to reiterate to myself. I have a lot of issues with my self-esteem. On a good day, I can think of a few good things about myself. On a bad day, I will legitimately tell you that I honest-to-God hate myself. I was raised to believe it was admirable to be a woman attractive enough to find a good husband to support me; combined with dancing, it took a huge, huge, huge, huge toll on how I feel about myself as an artist, a writer, a thinker, and even as a lover. I guess the best thing I could say to a new dancer is just to remind yourself everyday that you are more than your job. It's something we gotta tell each other more often than girls who fold jeans at the Old Navy.
Felons_Felony
10-25-2011, 09:59 PM
My favorite piece of advise the OP gave was to do something else on the side. I function best when I have a solid job and I'm dancing. I also make a lot more money when I'm dancing 1-2 days a week and working day job than when I'm working 4-5 days a week dancing full time only. When the only pressure to make money is your own desire for something extra it is a lot less stressful. I hate feeling like I have to make x amount of money before I can go home.
I also really like small rewards. I don't agree with wasting all my money on retail therapy but on a Saturday night I'll make myself the deal that if I make maybe $500 I'll buy an inexpensive new dress or my husband and I will go to the movies on Sunday. If I pick up a quick $100 or $200 on a random day shift I might get ice cream (though I always pay for it at the gym lol). I also do longer term goals like, if I make $1000 this week or in two weeks (depending how much I'm working) I'll get some new equipment for my business. (I love buying new equipment!)
HOLYSHITYES. I'm a penny-pincher by nature and ran into massive car troubles around May when I was dancing to save up to move, and being a full-time dancer and never having any me-time or me-stuff was not good. Every so often I'd have to say, "Okay, fuck that: I can deal with spending $50 going to the fucking Olive Garden with my ManToy." One of the reasons I'm looking forward to going dancing down here is to have a little money to spend on art supplies like cool pens & paints -- and some of my bigger goals are having more money on cars & parts, and applying for school.
Felons_Felony
10-25-2011, 10:03 PM
Please sticky this thread!
Hands down, separating yourself from work is the best advice ever. Have hobbies, a second job, a social life. One of the best features of dancing is flexibility- use that to your advantage and take some time off when work is starting to get to you. Even when it's not, the occasional week off can help to relieve stress you didn't notice before.
If at all possible, keep a "stripper friend" or two- current or former dancers that you look up to. A very influential one for me is my aunt, who quit dancing before I was born. While she doesn't know all the specifics of modern stripping, she remembers all the really hellacious parts like asshole customers, confidence issues, and dealing with family and other personal relationships. She was a huge help when my family found out I was dancing.
That's a really good call. Before I moved, when I found the place I'm renting, I developed a real good rapport with my landlady; she was a dancer in the eighties & nineties (before I was born!). We're really good friends now and it doesn't hurt that my family likes her a lot.
SouthernButterfly
10-28-2011, 03:54 AM
I have to add my two cents. You don't HAVE to be the stereotypical newbie stripper. I started dancing 3 months ago after applying for a thousand jobs and getting sick of watching my husband shoulder the financial burden by himself.
I don't know HOW I knew these things going in I just did. I walked in with my eyes wide open and it makes a big difference. When you start dancing, make sure you are starting with a firm knowledge of who YOU are. I was lucky enough to be able to do this. From day one, no one touched me in a way I wasn't comfortable with and I had no problem putting them in their place if they tried. I went to work in sweats and left in them. When I go to work I am "Isabella" Goddess/Vixen when I go home I am wife, mom, tomboy, girl in shorts or jeans and tank top and flip flops, and just plain me. Draw on your inner strength, never compromise your values, morals, or what you believe, just to make a buck. GO INTO dancing with these things, and I promise you'll leave with them intact. I know when I am ready to quit, I will quit the same as I started, all because I never gave up who I was.
loren
10-28-2011, 10:49 PM
make sure you are starting with a firm knowleage of who YOU are. So true. We are all offended by different things for different reasons. We are all unique individuals with a wide variety of backgrounds. A lot of us may have certain life experiences in common; but these common experiences can vary dramatically in the specific details. Everyone is unique. All people want to be treated with a certain level of respect. That is just human nature. If you stay sharp and alert; and focus on gaining knowledge, then you can learn more about YOU and others.
EmmaRose
10-28-2011, 11:05 PM
Great advice -- thank you!
EmmaRose
10-28-2011, 11:13 PM
I learned a great point a while back: you are the combined average of your five closest friends, or those you spend the most time with. So choose your friends wisely.
loren
10-31-2011, 07:10 PM
One super important thing to keep in mind is that stripping can bring up some issues you may have from the past. Some people may have dealt with some sort of sexual abuse like rape or innappropriate sexual behavior by an adult (male or female) or exposure to porn in their childhood. You might come accross situations at work that cause extreme nightmares that you don't understand, and won't understand until you have fully examined ANY TYPE of sexual abuse from your past. If you feel really uncomfortable or extremely anxious with something at work, acknowledge and examine it completely so you understand what you are ok with and not ok with, and why. The Confidence video link in my signature can help deal with related resentments stemming from sexual abuse.
loren
11-05-2011, 04:49 AM
If you think that you can make hundreds of dollars a night by simply taking off your top and spinning around on a pole you are in for a rude awakening.
Most people in this industry have no support system from their family at all. This means that you are competing with people who have no place to go if they are in trouble. If you are one of those people then stripping is a better alternative than homelessness obviously.
Also a lot of dancers started having children when they were very young, so the competition to SELL dances is feirce.
loren
11-17-2011, 06:11 PM
The problem with getting into stripping, is nobody really tells you what to do, how to handle things, etc. because it's taboo, and until you find a forum like this and get good support, you are left on your own to figure things out. This is why you will see from time to time a BEAUTIFUL newbie dancer in the back giving head to an old man for $50...... because she didn't go into this industry with enough.... I don't want to say self confidence, but maybe she was too naive, or whatever. Unfortunately, many times these girls end up with pimps, all because they didn't know any better.
To make it worse, men like the above mentioned prey off girls like this! That's why, if we think back, when we were new, we would get approached by that cliche guy saying, "Why do you work here? You are too good for this... " If you notice, those guys only approach the newer, virginal strippers, with the blinking red light on their heads, who will actually listen to their crap.
Also remember that the clubs view stirippers as a different class of customer. Years ago there was a controversy about different classes of customers at dry cleaners. Women were being charged more than men. The cleaners said it was because women bought in materials which were more complicated to clean. The reality is that women were being charged more simply because they were easy targets to take advantage of. They were paying twice the price for the same materials that men bought in.
In a strip club, a custy might pay a $15 cover charge and then they are required to buy a minimum of one or two drinks. Strippers are usually required to pay around $40 for their house fee plus tip out to the dj, bouncers, house mom, bathroom attendent, valet and check in counter. Lots of dancers are gullible enough to think that they will have GUYS OFFERING TO PAY them money just for taking off their top and dancing around. Wrong!!! So these gullible girls just sit there talking to a guy for hours assuming that the guy will eventually to offer to pay them.
Do you think the guys who come into the club are allowed to hang out with their clients for free; hoping and assuming they will be paid? Of course not! If they don't get money, they get fired.
The managers and bouncers will not come over and ask you (or any of your coworkers) if you are being paid for your time. That is why so many girls go into debt with the clubs. It's also the reason why so many strippers are easy targets for pimps and johns who have absolutely no intention of buying lap dances.
Who knows what the future holds for the industry when it comes to dancers being viewed as a different class of customer. It seems like there have been a lot of law suits lately. Maybe it's because the economy is bad and the old rules no longer apply to the new economic reality. In any sales job you will have smart sales people and really crappy sales people who don't make the effort to be good in sales. But- even smart sales people can have off days.
thedarling77
11-28-2011, 10:55 AM
J.D. I'm almost positive I'm the one who told you the PTSD fact.
Female Chauvinist Pigs, The Rise of Raunch Culture. The American Psyc. Association conducted a study on sex workers... "concluded that two-thirds suffered from PTSD. That number is twice as high as the percentage of Vietnam vets with/PTSD. Farley's team found the the severity of the symptoms--emotional numbness, recurrent nightmares, and flashbacks --was more extreme among the sex workers than it was among treatment seeking veterans.
also interesting.... Jenna Jameson, like most employees of the sex industry is not sexually uninhibited, she is sexually damaged. She had the grim misfortune to be repeatedly and severely traumatized.
thedarling77
11-28-2011, 11:21 AM
This is a tough industry. What we are exposed to is UNBELIEVABLE. We see more damage in a night than most could ever grasp. Everyone finds their own way to cope to survive.
After waking up and asking a few too many times....."WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME???", I opted for counseling. Not pill pushing doctors, but actual talk therapy. It was a bitch in the beginning, but it's helped me knock down walls I wasn't aware of. I highly recommend talking it out with out with a professional. I'm on a good path now, it saved my relationship, and I plan on walking down the aisle 2012. People who know me are amazed at the transition. If anyone is interested PM me - I might be able to score you free counseling in your area.
Athena513
11-29-2011, 08:20 PM
this definitely just gave me some motivation....ive been working like 1 day a week and cringing every time i get a text message because i know it's a client who wants me to come into work. i tend to hide from other customers because im sick of the rude/disrespectful ones....usually just meet up with regulars that i trust every week. sigh. thanks for the cheer up ;)
loren
12-03-2011, 03:51 AM
It's funny how for some reason men can not seem to accept the fact that we are not men in womens bodies. We are women in womens bodies.
Custys honestly want to believe that we want to have sex with them. There is a reason why there are not 20-30 male stripper-strip clubs in every big city; with women custys trying to grab at the guys and asking them for sex. DUH!!!!
I don't understand why this is so hard to comprehend. Maybe it's too obvious?
Yes we do get very offended by things that don't offend men because we are NOT men!!
kaelee
12-11-2011, 10:09 PM
in the penn state -coach sandusky case, rape victims were most likely convinced not to say anything, before and after the crime. if you are at a club where there is an attitude of don't say anything when there is a crime being committed against you and your coworkers, find another club. we don't go to work to be rape victims. laws against rape exist for a reason. if you work in a state where there has been legislation passed banning the enforcement of those laws, example - nevada - move to another state.
kaelee
01-03-2012, 08:55 PM
I've seen girls who stay in the same position with both legs off the ground like they are having sex with the guy for the whole entire song. To act like that for a few seconds and then move around to other positions is what a lap dance is supposed to be. I think it's sad that no one has told these girls what a lap dance is. Those girls are doing that on the floor in front of everyone with no privacy at all. Plus they aren't being paid much. I can tell they don't feel ok about doing that. It makes me sad when I see that. But I don't know what to say. I don't want them to feel like I'm being mean to them, because I can tell that they already don't feel ok about what they are doing. Strippers are NOT suppossed to provide a "happy ending". I have heard girls say "are you about to ____?" as if that is the agreed upon goal. Some how these girls have been convinced that that is their job. IT'S NOT!!! Their are guys who will ask me to grab their ___ or stick my hand down inside of their pants and grab it -as if that is completely normal. They are actually SURPRISED to hear no.
I would love say give me one second I'll be right back --and to walk up to the DJ booth and get on the mic and scream NO I WILL NOT STICK MY HAND DOWN YOUR PANTS!!!
When these guys go to the grocery store do they say hey I feel like we know eachother so well now that you rang up my groceries and I think you are so sexy. I was wondering if would stick your hands down my pants? I have $20. I don't understand why you are so upset I offered you $20 - what's the problem?
kaelee
01-04-2012, 12:01 AM
I wonder if some of these creepy guys ask the waitresses at Dennys if they would like to have sex with them when they get off of work? Do they use the same old --I only ask because you are so sexy. I just can't help it . Why would you be mad? I'll pay you $200.
MelissaBlade
01-04-2012, 09:34 AM
Great advice here. I think it's important to start saving for retirement the day you start sex work. For some, they might be able to continue work into their 40s, but many will see their earnings fall off.
Jeska
01-06-2012, 01:28 PM
GREAT advice!!! May I also add to not drink alcohol on a regular basis! You wouldn't drink at your day job so why do it at the club?
Great advice here. I think it's important to start saving for retirement the day you start sex work. For some, they might be able to continue work into their 40s, but many will see their earnings fall off.
Very important and not taken seriously by so many. They key is to start saving & investing early!!
Ryla88
01-07-2012, 08:04 AM
I'm so glad you mentioned the danger of falling in with a pimp!! I wanted to start a thread about it because I really don't think the topic is stressed enough and it is something dark that I lived as a young naive stripper.
I don't think newbies and strippers in general realize that comeing across them is a real possibility because rappers commercialize it with there songs and TV does it with "Pimp my car". So, the younger women don't realize they really exist and you better have your guards ready if/when the voltures come around!!
girlundressed
01-17-2012, 08:16 PM
Will someone PM me about this? I tried to start a post and reach out on the site and ended up feeling worse than when I started due to an arrogant asshole who decided to leave unrelated responses. I recently stepped over my limits and have felt really f'd up since. I'm having trouble going back and could just use some support.
Thanks.
Naida
01-19-2012, 08:10 AM
ajackson, only one statement you've made is 100% accurate- "It's easier to avoid the pitfalls when you have a map."
To be fair, the research isn't too far off. After all, where there's smoke, there's fire. A lot of girls in this industry suffer from a negative past or current issues like drugs and pimps. Every dancer here has worked with at least one extra's girl or addict.
However, the number of us who have the right mentality about this industry is far greater than anyone in our mostly conservative culture wants to admit. There ARE girls who do this job because it is a smart financial decision. There are also girls who do this job because they genuinely enjoy what they do. I was/am a dancer for both of these reasons and no other.
The LAST thing any girl needs is these "white knight" fellows you recommend. Very often, the "white knights" are actually dirty assholes who shine up a nickel suit of armor and white wash their mule for a few weeks/months. Once they have seated themselves into a girl's life and she trusts him, his true colors start to come out, and he is negligent at best or abusive at worst. It's not uncommon they themselves are actually pimps. Every smart dancer knows this.
The only kind of significant other a dancer really needs is a loving, supportive one. One who will let her dance if it makes her happy, because her happiness genuinely makes him happy as well. In my time as a dancer, I only met one man who was authentically a real "white knight" who really did care about me and didn't try to manipulate me.
All that aside, please do not make posts like the one you have to this thread. If you want to air your opinions about dancers, search for an already open thread that relates, or create your own. The intent of THIS thread is to provide mental support for girls, regardless of why they do this job. Your opinions are not only off topic, but have been and/or could be detrimental to readers who come to this thread looking for that support.
[And as a warning, Aurora and I are probably going to be the politest responses you get to your opinions on this forum. If whatever you have to say isn't supportive of dancer, perhaps you shouldn't be on a forum whose purpose is to support them.]
Vyanka
01-20-2012, 03:14 AM
Thread cleaned. I suspect this wasn't even a dancer.
Damn, I missed it! I was really looking forward to venting out some anger one someone too.....
Naida
01-28-2012, 06:47 PM
lol, To be honest, it was all so ignorant that I couldn't even be mad! I mean, I'm usually pretty polite here on SW even when I'm raging, but that crap was so blatantly stupid that I actually felt bad for whoever the troll was.
Sofia_Bella
02-08-2012, 09:54 AM
Thank You so much, J. D. for your input... I have been dancing on and off for 10 years and I couldn't have explained it better... GIRLS! PLEASE....Always hold your head up high and DO NOT compromise yourselves. No amount of $$$ is worth it... LOVE yourselves, YOU ARE WORTH IT!!! :)
MelanieMaxima
03-06-2012, 07:03 PM
This helped me a lot, I have had guys try to stick fingers in my thong, feel me up, lick on my breasts, and I'm so nice about it, like "oh your sneaky you better not do that or you will get me/you in trouble" I think now I'm going to be more firm because it will help me not feel so used and gross. I'm not there to let you lick/ touch/grope/poke/fuck etc me, I'm there to dance for men and be a fantasy, even if they just want someone to chat with and are paying for my time. Thanks for your post :)
Yes, you HAVE to be firm and stick up for yourself! Don't play it off when guys sexually assault you, because honestly that's what it is...
luscious sadie
03-08-2012, 05:36 AM
tonight when I was dancing for a guy he asked if I like my job. I said that there were things that I didn't like, mostly customers who are dicks. As we danced, even though I said "no nipples, no pussy" the guy played with my nipples acting like it was funny. This was after I had said to him "it makes me uncomfortable, don't do it." I sternly said that was his one warning and not to do it again. He managed to refrain and after the dance, as I got dressed I said to him "you know what's kind of funny? You're one of the guys who makes my job hell. I say don't do this, it makes me uncomfortable and you do it anyway and act like it's funny? That's sexual assault or rape." He did the normal "oh I'm sorry I didn't mean it like that!" Oh yes, you meant the FUNNY kind of sexual assault. My bad.
Naida
03-08-2012, 08:11 AM
Dealing with a-hole customers is hands down the hardest part of this job for basically every dancer. Sadie, I'd have popped right back with your thought "Oh, you meant the funny kind of sexual assault?" While there are the customers who are dicks and try to assault you because they have some warped perception of what a lap dance is supposed to be like, there are the customers who you've INFORMED about what not to do and do it anyway. The former are assholes, yes, but some times not knowledably so. The latter are on par with rapists and, in my opinion, should be treated as such.
Something I want to point out (not sure if I've said anything about this before) is possible ways of dealing with customers, since Melanie renewed the thought in my mind. A lot of girls end up feeling used and gross when they're nice and customers continue to screw with them. Then there are dancers are who feel like bitches for being "too firm". I've been there with both in the early months when I first started dancing. I knew that what they were doing was wrong, but I felt bad if "the customer isn't satisfied." Then a bouncer just happened to mention one day, "you know, if a customer is acting a fool, then we don't want him here, so you can just walk out." It was like some veil had been pulled from off my eyes!
Since then, I've found that the best way to handle that shit is with the Three Strikes system. Strike one- flirty, polite "please don't do that! I don't want you getting into trouble with the bouncers." Strike two- much firmer "I asked nicely for you to stop, now I'm telling you. That makes me uncomfortable and I'm not gonna keep dancing if you keep doing that." Strike three- Walk the fuck out, right then and there. Don't apologize. Don't justify. If you say anything at all to the customer, make it one word, "bye". If bouncers don't ask why you're walking out early, TELL THEM.
In my experience, most customers who get walked out on will leave. The ones that don't will get booted by staff.
If you work in a club that won't eject customers who assault you, find a new club.
luscious sadie
03-13-2012, 05:16 AM
yeah, I do the same thing with the three strikes. I find that sometimes the guys think that those are CLUB rules and not MY rules and when they break it the first time they think that they are being cute or something like I'm faking hard to get? The second time they do it, I grab their hands and am very stern though.
CherryRain
04-02-2012, 10:05 PM
Yes, you HAVE to be firm and stick up for yourself!absolutely !http://www.blakkangyl.com/cherryrain13.GIF
onalark
05-07-2012, 08:01 PM
This is so good, especially telling newbies that they can set and keep boundaries. Something that helps me keep it separate is having not only my stage name, but a fake "real" name, as well. That way I really feel like a different person at work, and I can leave that person at the door.
Even if we love dancing and want to make a career of it, it is a job.
All jobs are only a means to an end.
Your life will never revolve around flipping burgers; don't let it revolve around dancing either.
Love this quote.
Omg get the fuck out of my thread
Vyanka
05-10-2012, 10:09 PM
Omg get the fuck out of my thread
Done. Spam removed ;)
Kellydancer
05-10-2012, 10:27 PM
I missed the pimp comment but NEVER get involved with any type of guy like that in a club. While there are sometimes managers who come in to recruit for things like high class porn, the chances are pretty slim. The majority are men trying to get you dependent on them. ALWAYS work for you, never anyone else. I once worked with a girl who had an abusive husband who beat her if she didn't make $200. That was such a sad situation but luckily she left him (for a woman no less).
CuriousLatina
05-23-2012, 08:04 AM
This is a fabulous post....for all girls in the sex industry. And even for those who aren't, the issue of setting boundaries is critical to all women.
Agree 100%
Thank you for those sharing here and enlighten us all with such great input and advice. It is great to come to a thread and be able to share and discuss all points of views in such a refreshing way (without the cattiness we see in many other threads) . Reading this has made me wake-up a bit more, and re-evaluate a lot about the people who surround me and myself. No matter what industry we are in, setting boundaries is a must in our lives if we want to live a fulfilled happy life! We have to think for ourselves and of our selves! It is not selfish to think about ourselves. If we are not feeling good about ourselves then we won't be able to give our best.
And sometimes we give in so much, remove all boundaries, because we do not want to appear or feel as if we were selfish or self-centered.
I found this small "self-help" article that explains why practicing the art of life balance requires you to practice being selfish. (http://createabalance.com/the-secret-ingredient-for-life-balance-practice-being-selfish/) I wanted to share with all of you.
Thank you all!
CamChickie
05-23-2012, 11:38 AM
GREAT advice!!! May I also add to not drink alcohol on a regular basis! You wouldn't drink at your day job so why do it at the club?
This is great advice! I mean, do what you want to obviously, but in my opinion my alcohol consumption made my depression worse. It just dragged me down physically and emotionally! I also quit caffeine. I didn't realize the effects it had on me until I gave it up. Since then I've been feeling great and am more inspired to take care of my body and my mind. I think drinking at work just gave me the "f**k it" attitude, and I gave up on pushing myself to make money and instead just hung around until I could go home. It also made me quicker to judge which customers "would" or "wouldn't" have money (which as we all know doesn't mean anyyyything!).
This is a great thread!
Jungle Julia
06-16-2012, 06:33 AM
Great post OP. I agree you need a life outside of stripping. Set a goal for yourself and work hard to achieve it.
Sexy_Jenny
06-16-2012, 06:29 PM
[QUOTE=anouk.oui;2168825]i feel like dancing gave me a stronger sense of self.... am i the only one?
No, you are not. Stripping gives me what my real life lacks. Inside the club I feel hot, sexy, beautiful, wanted and even adored. Outside, I feel like an ever-single looser, abandoned by men.....
Tarasaurusrex
06-30-2012, 02:12 AM
This post was right on target! I would like to add that if you ever have to be not in a sober state of mind to do ANY job (because I know other professions where people can't function sober), it isn't working out. Not just alcohol either, prescription drugs, illegal drugs, there was a case in NY where a stripper turned medical student and her anesthesiologist boyfriend were selling Adderall in bulk. Losing sobriety causes you to numb yourself and therefore lose yourself....sometimes it can also cause you to act in a way your sober self would not. Bravo on the OP's bravery in posting this, I know it may be controversial on this site, but she is so on point.
Ellieanna
07-18-2012, 11:10 AM
I'm a little late to this thread but thought it was great and wanted to contribute.
Some dancers are very lucky and can truly shake off a lot of the negative stuff they experience. Keep in mind though that even if you accept bs and challenges as part of the business (tempered by the allure of the money) as the OP said it is stuff that can chip away at you and not surface until years later impacting your relationships (probably more than any other area) and causing damage that you don't even attribute to stripping.
Here's what I mean - the vast majority of your beliefs are subconscious and so every time you have a negative experience or thought you store it away, forming beliefs that become part of your subconscious perception of the world and the framework through which you see everything. So down the line, without even realizing it, you are projecting these subconscious beliefs such as: all men cheat, men can't be trusted, men only care about sex, all men prefer big breasts or whatever it is, on to the (hopefully) decent guys you meet in your personal life. You don't trust him being on Facebook or going out with his guy friends or whatever it is, and you are being passive-aggressive or causing fights, seeing things that aren't even necessarily there, or if they are, it's probably because you are attracting that into your life with the thoughts and perceptions you have developed. Of course it's not just stripping that will get you there, but by it's very nature it has those type of implications.
There are many books, modalities etc that can help you with creating/maintaining healthy beliefs and losing limiting ones.
The other really important factor is that modern science has discovered that our memories and emotions are actually stored all over our bodies not just in our heads. For example you feel "butterflies" in your stomach for pleasure and tightness in your throat for fear. People diagnosed with PTSD tend to have a highly exaggerated startle response. So in other words, if you may think something has not impacted you in your logical mind, yet you will have bodily reactions to things - say in your relationship you will be irrationally imagining your boyfriend with a co-worker and feel sick.
If you are dancing and have possibly associated feelings of negativity, depression anxiety etc in my experience and by all my studies, it is highly recommended to try acupuncture, chiropractors etc to open up the energy flow in your body.
I can recommend great books on this subject too if anyone is interested. Stay well, ladies!