View Full Version : He has another kid, ugh
bem401
06-25-2011, 06:14 AM
I haven't read the whole thread, but if the woman was married and the step-father was posing as the father for years, wouldn't he be responsible for support as well, especially since the real father was kept in the dark for 13 yrs? Did the stepfather adopt, pose as the father of, or be honest with the girl?
BlkSharpie
06-25-2011, 08:20 AM
Bottom line, ur ex husband needs to stop spreading his legs
I dont see anything wrong with someone having a children during a marriage. Hes not stellar by any means, but surprised that with so many guys who dont pay child support and ignore their kids, theres so much hostility against a guy who did pay child support and keep contact with his kids after the divorce.
That he had this other child that he didnt know about...I cant judge...I also got pregnant at a young age. Ironically it was my ex-husband, who was then my bf, who helped me find her father when he tried to disappear on me.
Anyway, this thread isnt about my ex or man bashing...::)
Amy Lee
06-25-2011, 08:36 AM
Your not "supposed" to feel a certain way. Don't question your feelings, if you are pissed off then you are pissed off, if you don't care, then you don't care. We as women question ourselves way too much when it comes to men!
I am prior Army and he said he had to pay how much in child support? As far as the chain of command, depending on his rank, the only one that would get involved is the commander if he made it anyone's business that is.
DanceMami
06-25-2011, 10:55 AM
Thank you Amy^
And yes, I have 2 kids. We didn't plan to make any together, but if it happened, it wouldn't be a bad thing. Im content with my two.
And, Im fine with it, after some thinking about it. It was before me. We don't even know if its his yet. Im not gonna stress.
Kellydancer
06-25-2011, 11:27 AM
Yes and if the DNA proves to be his kid, I think the op should RUN as fast as she can!!! This situation = too much drama for someone who's not involved to have to deal with, 3yr relationship or not. He already has 1, now another?? How many other kids from ex gfs or flings are gonna pop outta the woodwork??
Lemme guess, OP...u don't have any kids of ur own? If not, staying with this dude means ur screwed. He's not going to have $ to spend on dates, u, or making a baby with u. Kellydancer, u stated enough good reasons for why it isnt a good idea for childless girls who wish for kids someday to date guys with prior kids.
Yeah this would make me run like hell, but then again she has kids, and that makes this a different dynamic. I will admit though that having kids from a guy pop out of the woodwork scares me about dating. Most of the guys I've dated knew they didn't have kids with exes (they either didn't sleep with them, kept in contact, or were very careful)but you never know if it happens.
Kellydancer
06-25-2011, 11:37 AM
I dont see anything wrong with someone having a children during a marriage. Hes not stellar by any means, but surprised that with so many guys who dont pay child support and ignore their kids, theres so much hostility against a guy who did pay child support and keep contact with his kids after the divorce.
That he had this other child that he didnt know about...I cant judge...I also got pregnant at a young age. Ironically it was my ex-husband, who was then my bf, who helped me find her father when he tried to disappear on me.
Anyway, this thread isnt about my ex or man bashing...::)
I don't judge men who pay child support, in fact I think these men are terrific dads usually. However I wouldn't date one just because of the drama. Men who don't pay child support are scum. In the op case he didn't know and that I find sad when women do this.
BlkSharpie
06-25-2011, 12:27 PM
I don't judge men who pay child support, in fact I think these men are terrific dads usually. However I wouldn't date one just because of the drama. Men who don't pay child support are scum. In the op case he didn't know and that I find sad when women do this.
Yup same feeling....similar situation in that my ex didnt know the german girl got pregnant either. It is a huge blow to find out so many years later...
On a lighter note, after I had my daughter, she was just an infant at the time, I got the number to a friend of mine who I met in Korea and he was recently stationed to my duty base. Called him up and was like "guess who!!!!" at that moment kiddo started crying. The guy about had a panic attack :D
When I told him it was me he was *so* relieved (we never slept together..just friends!) He was like, omg dont ever call a guy and say guess who with a baby crying in the backgound! :D :D
DanceMami
06-25-2011, 04:23 PM
LOL!! I gotta try that one hahaha
kthnx
06-25-2011, 07:28 PM
I dont see anything wrong with someone having a children during a marriage. Hes not stellar by any means, but surprised that with so many guys who dont pay child support and ignore their kids, theres so much hostility against a guy who did pay child support and keep contact with his kids after the divorce.
That he had this other child that he didnt know about...I cant judge...I also got pregnant at a young age. Ironically it was my ex-husband, who was then my bf, who helped me find her father when he tried to disappear on me.
Anyway, this thread isnt about my ex or man bashing...::)
Okie dokie. Marriage at one fleeting time or not, a true "father" does not sign away his rights to children to save money...that's cheap, and does not a good parent make ::) U said urself u were mad at his decisions and this led to u seeing what kind of not-nice person he was, leading to u divorcing him...yet when others mock him u come to his beckon defense. No I don't think he should have any more children after giving away the 3 he had. Parenting is PERMANENT...it isn't like Rent-a-Center Furniture, u can't just give kids back after a period of time when u get tires of paying and/or don't have a need for then anymore ::)
kthnx
06-25-2011, 07:40 PM
Yeah this would make me run like hell, but then again she has kids, and that makes this a different dynamic. I will admit though that having kids from a guy pop out of the woodwork scares me about dating. Most of the guys I've dated knew they didn't have kids with exes (they either didn't sleep with them, kept in contact, or were very careful)but you never know if it happens.
Yea I didn't know she had kids of her own til after I posted that but now that I know I agree...having kids of her own already changes things a bit. If she didn't have kids, I'd be sad for her becuz it'd now be more difficult than ever to start having them (unless she left him to pursue other guys), and becuz of the baggage that comes with always paying for everybody else's kids when she has none of her own. Also with her kids she'd have to consider keeping the partner stable as opposed to dating around, "bringing a lot of new guys back to the house". Not saying she should stay with him just becuz she has two kids of her own tho.
See that's the problem with being a dude. A lotta sexist guys I knew said that they saw a woman sleeping around to be "a lot worse" than a guy doing it (I hotly disagree, but anyway). They stated their reason being that in those circumstances a woman could get pregnant and she wouldn't know who the father was. But guys don't have it totally easy either. As seen in this thred guys that have casual flings run the risk of not knowing how many children they have...which I think can be even worse...or not knowing for sure if they ARE the father. That's Why guys need to be careful!
!
BlkSharpie
06-25-2011, 09:14 PM
Okie dokie. Marriage at one fleeting time or not, a true "father" does not sign away his rights to children to save money...that's cheap, and does not a good parent make ::) U said urself u were mad at his decisions and this led to u seeing what kind of not-nice person he was, leading to u divorcing him...yet when others mock him u come to his beckon defense. No I don't think he should have any more children after giving away the 3 he had. Parenting is PERMANENT...it isn't like Rent-a-Center Furniture, u can't just give kids back after a period of time when u get tires of paying and/or don't have a need for then anymore ::)
Its not that Im rushing to his defense, its just the annoyance of having to clarify and re-explain that he did not give up the rights to the kids he had with his ex-wife. I said he *thought* about it which yes, was enough to piss me off... never said he made the decision to give up those kids though, that did not happen. The German woman had only one child by him btw..not three.
Anyways, that about his ex-wife was just a side note. To bring it back on track to the purpose of this thread, my point was that Ive been in that place where my man found out about a much older child out of the blue that he didnt know anything about and went on to pay child support for. Even though it was just for a few months before she ended up marrying and her husband wanted to adopt the child, I can still relate to how it felt to get that kind of news.
Kellydancer
06-25-2011, 10:37 PM
Yup same feeling....similar situation in that my ex didnt know the german girl got pregnant either. It is a huge blow to find out so many years later...
On a lighter note, after I had my daughter, she was just an infant at the time, I got the number to a friend of mine who I met in Korea and he was recently stationed to my duty base. Called him up and was like "guess who!!!!" at that moment kiddo started crying. The guy about had a panic attack :D
When I told him it was me he was *so* relieved (we never slept together..just friends!) He was like, omg dont ever call a guy and say guess who with a baby crying in the backgound! :D :D
That is a bad thing about being a guy. At least we always know if we have kids, men don't. I've heard a few horror stories of men finding out many years later, like when their kids are grown! That would horrify me. I think these women are selfish not telling the men. I'm old fashioned and if I get pregnant I want the dad to be with me and to know.
BlkSharpie
06-25-2011, 11:49 PM
That is a bad thing about being a guy. At least we always know if we have kids, men don't. I've heard a few horror stories of men finding out many years later, like when their kids are grown! That would horrify me. I think these women are selfish not telling the men. I'm old fashioned and if I get pregnant I want the dad to be with me and to know.
Well...I woudlnt want to be with a guy just because I become pregnant with him. Something I heard *long* ago and holds true, just because a guy can be a father, doesnt mean he can be a dad or a husband. Id rather be with a man who will be good to me and my child, than one who will resent having to be with me only because we had a child together...know what I mean?
But definitely...if I could have, I would have done it all the traditional way...get married, then have kids, then live happily ever after. But..sadly enough, even the first 2 don't guarantee the last part. :-[ A friend of mine even, her husband was her first bf, true love, married, were together for about 12 years, and had 3 kids together. She found out he was cheating, he was also abusive, and they divorced. When she went after him for child support, he tried to kill himself..leaving a note saying hed rather die than give her anything. He did end up living, though now it seems he has some sort of brain damage from it. That is *all* kinds of fucked up.
So I do feel very lucky all the same, that though my daughters father isnt in our lives and doesnt want to be, that hes been paying child support since she was born, and would rather he quietly own up to his responsibility than be a part of our lives and making it miserable one day at a time.
It definitely does suck for guys though, to be able to have a child and not know it....and then being hit with the news way after. There *are* guys who would be completely crushed to find out that they have a child out there that they missed out on being able to be a dad to and never got that chance. Very selfish for a woman to do that indeed....not only to the guy, but also to the child.
Kellydancer
06-25-2011, 11:59 PM
Well...I woudlnt want to be with a guy just because I become pregnant with him. Something I heard *long* ago and holds true, just because a guy can be a father, doesnt mean he can be a dad or a husband. Id rather be with a man who will be good to me and my child, than one who will resent having to be with me only because we had a child together...know what I mean?
But definitely...if I could have, I would have done it all the traditional way...get married, then have kids, then live happily ever after. But..sadly enough, even the first 2 don't guarantee the last part. :-[ A friend of mine even, her husband was her first bf, true love, married, were together for about 12 years, and had 3 kids together. She found out he was cheating, he was also abusive, and they divorced. When she went after him for child support, he tried to kill himself..leaving a note saying hed rather die than give her anything. He did end up living, though now it seems he has some sort of brain damage from it. That is *all* kinds of fucked up.
So I do feel very lucky all the same, that though my daughters father isnt in our lives and doesnt want to be, that hes been paying child support since she was born, and would rather he quietly own up to his responsibility than be a part of our lives and making it miserable one day at a time.
It definitely does suck for guys though, to be able to have a child and not know it....and then being hit with the news way after. There *are* guys who would be completely crushed to find out that they have a child out there that they missed out on being able to be a dad to and never got that chance. Very selfish for a woman to do that indeed....not only to the guy, but also to the child.
Unfortunately, it doesn't always work out that way, which stinks. I wouldn't want a guy in the child's life who didn't want to be there, but on the other hand he at least has the right to know. It's good you get child support and that shows responsibility on his part. I've known many men who refused to do that. I don't get men who want no part of the child's life at all. I know I've been lucky having my father in my life (he's still married to my mom)and I know that makes me look at this differently than if he abandoned me.
I will admit though that I have dated men who told me they would abandon me had I become pregnant and I believe them.
BlkSharpie
06-26-2011, 12:31 AM
Unfortunately, it doesn't always work out that way, which stinks. I wouldn't want a guy in the child's life who didn't want to be there, but on the other hand he at least has the right to know. It's good you get child support and that shows responsibility on his part. I've known many men who refused to do that. I don't get men who want no part of the child's life at all. I know I've been lucky having my father in my life (he's still married to my mom)and I know that makes me look at this differently than if he abandoned me.
I will admit though that I have dated men who told me they would abandon me had I become pregnant and I believe them.
Well, hes not responsible cause he wants to be :D He said he had too much on his plate to help me out. So, I filed for support and its garnished from his wages before he even sees it. kiddo had a lot of health problems too and as it turns out was born with a heart defect, so he had to hear it from me, grilling him about his family history trying to figure out what was going on, cause I have no history of birth defects or heart problems in my family. Thats another thing too....health history is so important. If something life threatening is happening to a child, knowing the fathers history can possibly be a deal-breaker.
Ive heard of and even know guys like you said...who say they would leave a girl if she got pregnant or coerce her into having an abortion. But they also are pretty fanatic about safe sex cause they want to prevent that from even happening. But then, guys also have to deal with being tricked into it...like by girls who purposely dont take the pill or pop holes in condoms or try and empty the contents into them to get pregnant.
When my ex and I broke up, his mom had a heart to heart talk with me, and flat out said I need to get pregnant, and that he will do the right thing and marry me....that that how she got his dad to marry her when he decided he "needed some space". I was like :O Even worse, my ex knows he was essentially just a "trick baby" and is so paranoid about someone doing that to him.
All the stuff that goes on involving kids really is so mind boggling. I mean, even if one knows a bit of a story, theres often a lot more story behind it. And its the kids that suffer from the dynamics of it all. It really sucks.
sananeko
06-26-2011, 10:28 AM
I'm going cross-eyed with all the stories.. I might of missed it but did the test get done?
Kellydancer
06-26-2011, 11:45 AM
Well, hes not responsible cause he wants to be :D He said he had too much on his plate to help me out. So, I filed for support and its garnished from his wages before he even sees it. kiddo had a lot of health problems too and as it turns out was born with a heart defect, so he had to hear it from me, grilling him about his family history trying to figure out what was going on, cause I have no history of birth defects or heart problems in my family. Thats another thing too....health history is so important. If something life threatening is happening to a child, knowing the fathers history can possibly be a deal-breaker.
Ive heard of and even know guys like you said...who say they would leave a girl if she got pregnant or coerce her into having an abortion. But they also are pretty fanatic about safe sex cause they want to prevent that from even happening. But then, guys also have to deal with being tricked into it...like by girls who purposely dont take the pill or pop holes in condoms or try and empty the contents into them to get pregnant.
When my ex and I broke up, his mom had a heart to heart talk with me, and flat out said I need to get pregnant, and that he will do the right thing and marry me....that that how she got his dad to marry her when he decided he "needed some space". I was like :O Even worse, my ex knows he was essentially just a "trick baby" and is so paranoid about someone doing that to him.
All the stuff that goes on involving kids really is so mind boggling. I mean, even if one knows a bit of a story, theres often a lot more story behind it. And its the kids that suffer from the dynamics of it all. It really sucks.
That ex isn't your child's father, is he? My last ex (flakey) was terrified he would get a woman pregnant because then he would marry her. His family pushed into him from an early age that if he gets someone pregnant marriage is the only option. As a result he's terrified of sex and has only had sex with long time girlfriends (not me). To me that's just as bad as the men who don't care who they get pregnant. An ex from many years ago forced two girlfriends to have abortions and rarely liked to used condoms, but I required them.
BlkSharpie
06-26-2011, 08:19 PM
^^Nope, my childs father was deployed a week after I got pregnant... havnt seen him since...his choice. But hes paid for support since she was born.
DanceMami
06-29-2011, 06:57 AM
Nope, no tests yet. I haven't even asked him about this since he told me a couple weeks ago, and I don't plan to ask him. Let him deal with it, and Ill worry about it later.