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View Full Version : To have a family, or not to have...?



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CandyApple
07-22-2011, 04:13 PM
I have to say, I'm very interested in how close of a race it is so far....

Davey17
07-23-2011, 05:45 AM
I've been rethinking about whether or not I ever want to have and raise children. Whether single, married, or divorced. I'm still really selfish at the moment, and feel that I want to reserve as much time and energy as possible to spend towards my artwork, and not towards human beings (the children). I know that's a horrible thing for a mother to think, which is why I'm learning hard towards a "No/never." But it's not like I don't also think what an awesome thing it could be as well, potentially. Like, maybe I'd change once I'm there.

What do you think? What are your experiences with having children, getting married, etc? If you don't mind me asking, how old are you, and how old were you when you made those choices?


Hi there Lillionaire ...... Ive had just a quick read of the responses .

I can well understand a Man / Woman saying they dont want children ..I can really understand why also . However , I can only really convey my personal experience ..as Im just about to go back to the " Well " to plan a 3 rd child , I already have 2 grown girls ..however I now have a young wife who is eager to have a child , and this time Im really really keen also , despite being much older .

Its strange ..when I had the girls , I had NO choice ..It just happened , Was it ever easy ? No no no no ..honestly easy , never ..Was it rewarding ? Yes , yes , yes ..from moment one . I shared 50% custody when my marriage broke up ( THat was tough ..while still holding down a pretty important position ) ..But we made it though . Both are with me now , but the eldest is currently building her own new home ..Where would I be now without my girls ? Oh god ..I quiver when I think about it ..They have been just such a major part of my life .

Im just so excited about being a parent again ..I did my best last time , but I think now my experience will be great , Im a pretty modern thinking Parent , so Im just really really looking forward ..It will be wonderful .

Everyone , must of course make their own decision , but I just say ..when you weigh the negatives , just give thought to the positive ..for there certainly are so many of those ....

And when I stood up last year ..Watching my girl ...who was school captain , and Dux of her final year ..making a speech , and sounding so elegant , so professional ..you say to yourself " Wow .... I must have done something right ..How did she learn to speak like that " ....lol .

And if I could post here the hand written note , that she wrote to me ..last year ..Seriously , words cannot desribe , how proud I felt ..There is so many things involved in being a Parent ! :'(:'( :D:D

Everyone must make their own decision ..( Where possible ) ..lol :-\

JayATee
07-23-2011, 12:23 PM
i also think of how people ask "is it a boy or girl?" or say, "oh, i love babies!" but really, they only stay cute and little for the first ten years, give you hell for the next ten years (teenage years), then cost a shitload extra for the college years, and then they're MEN or WOMEN for the rest of their lives!

Sweetheart you have this all wrong. Sure, kids are A TON of work, and yes they're expensive. What you're not taking into account is all the years you get to be with them and teach them and help them GROW into that man or woman. You have little moments every single day that get to remind you why you did this. That bring you joy. That make you feel amazing because you get to share in their accomplishments. I can't thank my parents enough for everything they've done, and everything they continue to do for me. Sure I'm an adult, and I'm having my own baby, but do you think for one second I'm ever going to forget who I am and where I came from and who I can thank for being able to get here? Never. When they need me I'm here. When I need them, they're there. The love and bond between a parent and a child is immeasureable. So sure, you get to clothe, feed, and pay for whatever they need, and if that's all you ever see then you're right, kids aren't for you, but please don't forget that there is a whole other side to this, and it's incredible, and priceless.

unbeleavable
07-23-2011, 12:40 PM
Sweetheart you have this all wrong. Sure, kids are A TON of work, and yes they're expensive. What you're not taking into account is all the years you get to be with them and teach them and help them GROW into that man or woman. You have little moments every single day that get to remind you why you did this. That bring you joy. That make you feel amazing because you get to share in their accomplishments. I can't thank my parents enough for everything they've done, and everything they continue to do for me. Sure I'm an adult, and I'm having my own baby, but do you think for one second I'm ever going to forget who I am and where I came from and who I can thank for being able to get here? Never. When they need me I'm here. When I need them, they're there. The love and bond between a parent and a child is immeasureable. So sure, you get to clothe, feed, and pay for whatever they need, and if that's all you ever see then you're right, kids aren't for you, but please don't forget that there is a whole other side to this, and it's incredible, and priceless.

Very well said...I know you are going to be a great momma;) I hope you have a healthy & safe delivery.

Kellydancer
07-23-2011, 01:20 PM
Agreed, JayATee will be a wonderful mom.

JayATee
07-23-2011, 05:56 PM
Aww Ty both. That was really sweet. :)

shift_6x
07-23-2011, 06:05 PM
Nope, no kids for me. People are surprised when they find out I have no kids. I tell them "No no marriages no kids." People prolly think Im an alien. ANd thats fine because I am happy to be different. I know better than to bring a life into the world when it isnt truly what I want. It would be unfair to bring a life into the world unless it could have a good life. Its hard enough these days.

lemiwinks31
07-25-2011, 09:28 AM
I have to say, I'm very interested in how close of a race it is so far....


keep in mind that there are quite a few young women in their lower 20s who dont want kids NOW.... Odds are many of them will change their mind in 5-10 years

Chevalier
07-28-2011, 06:30 AM
Hi Lillionaire - As a man, we don't have the same inborn craving to have and nurture children. I was no different. However, I now advise my selfish bachelor friends like me that, now that I have 3 daughters, they are such a joy and blessing that I couldn't even imagine life without them. I'm a man. I imagine the thought would be double for a woman. You're a female of the human race: My guess...you'll delay having children, then at about 36 a strange almost uncontrollable and irrational feeling will overwhelm you to consider having children asap. The feeling will get stronger as the years go on...and when you hit 40 it will be fever pitch desperate. I can't tell you how many women I've consoled through the process, including a well known model in her early 40's who wanted to IVF with me...we tried...it didn't work...she was crushed...a gentle woman who would have been a great mom. Just a guy's perspective from the outside looking in...

Aurora_Sunset
07-28-2011, 10:37 AM
I don't worry too much about the biological thing. There's always adoption. Not that the adoption process is super-easy or anything, I know. But when I hear about people who are so crushed because they really wanted to be mothers but then couldn't get pregnant so they just don't have kids, it kinda drives me crazy. To me, people like that are more driven to be parents because they feel an urge to be pregnant or pass on their genes, not necessarily because they really want to be a parent - which comes after the pregnancy. I understand that it's crushing - I'm not trying to be unsympathetic. But I think that anyone who really wants to be a mother will find a way to be one, even if that means being mother to a child they didn't necessarily give birth to themselves. So I don't really worry too much about putting it off until my biological clock runs out and then being disappointed. If I really want to be a mother by then, then I'll find another way.

As much as I don't really want kids now, I have a feeling that I probably will later in life. Possibly much later, when it might be harder for me to conceive. But I don't want to rush into it until I'm ready. And I think anybody who feels the same way should wait too, and consider whether they would be ok with adopting or getting a surrogate or some other method. There's more than one way to create a family. And if you really want one, you'll explore all your options.

Kellydancer
07-28-2011, 02:09 PM
Hi Lillionaire - As a man, we don't have the same inborn craving to have and nurture children. I was no different. However, I now advise my selfish bachelor friends like me that, now that I have 3 daughters, they are such a joy and blessing that I couldn't even imagine life without them. I'm a man. I imagine the thought would be double for a woman. You're a female of the human race: My guess...you'll delay having children, then at about 36 a strange almost uncontrollable and irrational feeling will overwhelm you to consider having children asap. The feeling will get stronger as the years go on...and when you hit 40 it will be fever pitch desperate. I can't tell you how many women I've consoled through the process, including a well known model in her early 40's who wanted to IVF with me...we tried...it didn't work...she was crushed...a gentle woman who would have been a great mom. Just a guy's perspective from the outside looking in...

That sounds like me. At 35 I went to check into getting my tubes tied. I was firmly of the belief I never wanted kids. Then around 38 the biological clock starting ringing and at 40 it's in overdrive. To be honest though if I can't have kids I am fine with adopting. The idea of pregnancy is one of the reason I wasn't keen on having kids. That and most of the men I was dating would either have abandoned me or would have expected me to do all the work. Even now I would not have a baby unless I meet a guy who will share responsibility, including diapers and feeding. I know way too many women who do it all and the guy does little.

I have friends who knew they never wanted kids and even them around early 40's they had a biological clock. For them though the feeling passed but I've read an interesting stat that the highest increase in new moms is 40-44. In my family my greatgrandmothers all had babies in their mid 40's when they were already grandmas!

sexy_celeste
07-29-2011, 08:15 AM
I always wanted kids, but was told it would never happen.
Then I fell pregnant 0o

Aslinn
08-03-2011, 03:10 PM
I have always wanted children, a lot of them actually. But I actually fear getting pregnant, just because of all the complications that could happen. I think its perfectly normal to not want children. I think people forget that ya most likely you will have a normal pregnancy or a normal child but many things could happen that would be very painful. If someone isn't ready for all the possibilies than they shouldn't have kids or even unprotected sex.

Flower420
08-03-2011, 03:18 PM
It's a personal choice, people can sit here and tell you how great it is "for them"

but


Everyone is different not everyone wants or needs to have kids to make their life fulfilling and not everyone will make a good parent, and some people will despise the choice of having children after they are born.. we are all different and you need to decide this for yourself
Other peoples opinions should not matter to you.

This is your choice and other people can only push you one way or the other, and one of them might not be what you wanted.
Only listen to yourself and what you want and don't let anyone else tell you otherwise, your happiness is in your hands and no one elses.,

lindsknits
08-06-2011, 12:28 AM
I personally desperately want children, but likely will not be able to have them myself. My bf and I tried, and after no luck I was diagnosed with poly-cystic ovarian syndrome, which is why I can't have children. It was so unbelievably painful to go through that. To be in your 20's and be told sorry, but no, was just crushing. There is the remote possibility that it could happen one day, but if not my sister says when she finishes school she will be a gestational surrogate for us. This is kind of off-topic but not really, because my point is that I 100% agree that only people who want children should have them. I see these teen moms on TV and single moms that I know personally taking motherhood for granted and it is so infuriating because they have these beautiful children that they don't want, and I and many women in the same boat so desperately want children and can't have them. It is ludicrous! If kids are your cup of tea have 'em, if not, wrap it up or get on the pill. /rant
sorry :(

JayATee
08-06-2011, 09:01 PM
I personally desperately want children, but likely will not be able to have them myself. My bf and I tried, and after no luck I was diagnosed with poly-cystic ovarian syndrome, which is why I can't have children. It was so unbelievably painful to go through that. To be in your 20's and be told sorry, but no, was just crushing. There is the remote possibility that it could happen one day, but if not my sister says when she finishes school she will be a gestational surrogate for us. This is kind of off-topic but not really, because my point is that I 100% agree that only people who want children should have them. I see these teen moms on TV and single moms that I know personally taking motherhood for granted and it is so infuriating because they have these beautiful children that they don't want, and I and many women in the same boat so desperately want children and can't have them. It is ludicrous! If kids are your cup of tea have 'em, if not, wrap it up or get on the pill. /rant
sorry :(

I just had to say don't ever lose hope completely. I was told when I was 18 I'd never have children either. I was diagnosed with a uterine abnormality and endometriosis. After a miscarriage I was fairly certain they were right, but you never know and things happen in their own time for their own reason. I'm 6 1/2 mos pregnant now with a healthy baby girl. Don't give up!

Kellydancer
08-07-2011, 12:57 PM
I just had to say don't ever lose hope completely. I was told when I was 18 I'd never have children either. I was diagnosed with a uterine abnormality and endometriosis. After a miscarriage I was fairly certain they were right, but you never know and things happen in their own time for their own reason. I'm 6 1/2 mos pregnant now with a healthy baby girl. Don't give up!

Very true. I know several women who had just about given up on having a baby and they did. Several were in their late 30's-early 40's and were convinced they were too old to find a man let alone have a baby. Guess what happened? They found great guys, and yes had kids. One got married at 43, and had a baby at 45.