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lemiwinks31
08-15-2011, 12:56 PM
I question, though, would her mother have been able to influence her judgement if she weren't REALLY certain that was the best choice?

Just something to think about.

Yeah....but she said she was close with her mother, she probably respects her and her opinion....it just made her consider the other options...which she did. Just because she considered the other options doesnt necessarily mean she is in the process of changing her mind.

liljenna
08-15-2011, 01:12 PM
it takes 2 to make a baby so it takes 2 to take the decision

make sure its what you both want.

Kellydancer
08-15-2011, 01:24 PM
I do not under any circumstances think the father should be let go of any responsibility, financial or otherwise. Too many women are doing this and we as society are paying the price, between welfare, crime and just the eroding of society. It's his responsibility as musch as the OP.

To be honest I don't understand this mentality that some men have of leaving and not taking care of the baby they created. I've seen it myself with a few guys I dated who had this mentality. A decent man should be there even if the relationship is over. I suppose this is why I am so careful to meet better men than years ago.

lemiwinks31
08-15-2011, 02:11 PM
I do not under any circumstances think the father should be let go of any responsibility, financial or otherwise. Too many women are doing this and we as society are paying the price, between welfare, crime and just the eroding of society. It's his responsibility as musch as the OP.



They came to an agreement that if BC fails, neither of them wanted to be a parent, and that they would get an abortion. If she breaks this agreement, and decides that she wants to keep the baby, the honorable and right thing for her to do would be to release him from responsibility, if that is what he still wanted.

But that isnt the situation here.....the OP was deciding between abortion and adoption......she is not considering keeping the baby.

Kellydancer
08-15-2011, 02:23 PM
They came to an agreement that if BC fails, neither of them wanted to be a parent, and that they would get an abortion. If she breaks this agreement, and decides that she wants to keep the baby, the honorable and right thing for her to do would be to release him from responsibility, if that is what he still wanted.

But that isnt the situation here.....the OP was deciding between abortion and adoption......she is not considering keeping the baby.

Even if a woman changes her mind it's still his obligation to support the child. Yes this is wrong but the child still deserves the father. Otherwise guess who supports the kid? Yep taxpayers and why should we be penalized for a baby we had nothing to do with? I know people will say what about the women who have babies and not on welfare to which I would respond the child still deserves a father and shame on him for deserting it. I don't think highly of women who intentionally get pregnant which is why I would tell anyone to be careful who one sleeps with.

This is why when I date a guy this conversation comes up right away. I only want to be with a man who will be there for the child and me in the event this happens. While my ex was a flake and immature this is the one topic him and I were on the same wavelength about. He firmly believed that a child deserves a mother and a father.

DesuvsDeath
08-15-2011, 02:38 PM
Yeah....but she said she was close with her mother, she probably respects her and her opinion....it just made her consider the other options...which she did. Just because she considered the other options doesnt necessarily mean she is in the process of changing her mind.
Oh I agree. I just thought it was something important for her to consider. ;D

BringOnTheMen
08-15-2011, 03:19 PM
Actually, there are women who do use abortion as a form of birth control. I've known a few, like this one (incidentally a stripper)who had 5 abortions in the event of a year or two. There is someone IN THIS THREAD who had an abortion last year and just recently (within a space of 9 months). The poster in question posted something along the lines of "guess I'll just get another abortion" like it was as minor as having a cavity filled. Either they have the worst luck with birth control or they weren't using any, and at least in the case of the first one she was using abortion as birth control. Women who get pregnant on birth control who have abortions I understand, women who don't use any form of birth control, get pregnant then have abortions are just idiots. Women who KEEP getting pregnant without using birth control then have abortions are pretty much sociopaths. Then again I suppose it's better they have abortions than have the kids because they have shown that they are ignorant about birth control so does anyone want them to be moms? I really don't know what to do with these morons because I don't want to criminalize it because then you criminalize those who abortions for other reasons which are without a doubt justified (like rape).

I would hope these types of women are the minority and I am pretty sure they are. Luckily most of the women I know who had abortions were either those who got pregnant on birth control, raped (one got pregnant by her dad), or foolish teens.



Yup, I had an abortion last year and another one 9 months later. If I get pregnant again I'll have another one. It's my body, my choice. I actually was using birth control, but no form of birth control is 100% effective. I was on the pill, which is 92% effective. I got pregnant once, and switched birth control pills, got pregnant again, and now I am using condoms. If a condom breaks and Plan B does not work, then I will go to Plan C and have an abortion. Of course it is a form of birth control, it is the most precise way of controlling a birth (next to abstinence), but like I said, it is not my first method of birth control.

There is nothing shameful in having an abortion. I encourage everyone here to report users who try to manipulate your emotions into feeling shame for not wanting a child, because that is not acceptable. I also encourage any members here who have had or are considering having an abortion to send me a PM because it is very important to have someone to talk to, and it appears as though this board is not a safe place to do that.

Oh and for the record, my cavity fillings were a LOT more painful than my abortions. Keep that in mind next time you think about ditching the toothpaste.

JayATee
08-15-2011, 03:22 PM
"Releasing him of his responsibility" because she decides to keep the child?? Are you kidding? Sorry kiddies, if you decide to have sex you take on all the responsibilities that go with it. She didn't make the baby herself. I seriously can't believe people think this is acceptable behaviour.

JayATee
08-15-2011, 03:30 PM
Actually, there are women who do use abortion as a form of birth control. I've known a few, like this one (incidentally a stripper)who had 5 abortions in the event of a year or two. There is someone IN THIS THREAD who had an abortion last year and just recently (within a space of 9 months). The poster in question posted something along the lines of "guess I'll just get another abortion" like it was as minor as having a cavity filled. Either they have the worst luck with birth control or they weren't using any, and at least in the case of the first one she was using abortion as birth control. Women who get pregnant on birth control who have abortions I understand, women who don't use any form of birth control, get pregnant then have abortions are just idiots. Women who KEEP getting pregnant without using birth control then have abortions are pretty much sociopaths. Then again I suppose it's better they have abortions than have the kids because they have shown that they are ignorant about birth control so does anyone want them to be moms? I really don't know what to do with these morons because I don't want to criminalize it because then you criminalize those who abortions for other reasons which are without a doubt justified (like rape).

I would hope these types of women are the minority and I am pretty sure they are. Luckily most of the women I know who had abortions were either those who got pregnant on birth control, raped (one got pregnant by her dad), or foolish teens.

Are you seriously passing judgement without knowing a god damned thing about the actual situation? I myself have gotten pregnant 3x's ALL while being exceptionally responsible about birth control. If you're not in a position or you simply don't want to have a child who the hell is anyone else to tell you otherwise? Sorry but this fucking infuriates me. The only reason I kept this pregnancy is that I'm with a great guy who will be a great father and I'm financially sound enough to do it. Otherwise it would have been a 2nd abortion for me as well.

lemiwinks31
08-15-2011, 03:54 PM
"Releasing him of his responsibility" because she decides to keep the child?? Are you kidding? Sorry kiddies, if you decide to have sex you take on all the responsibilities that go with it. She didn't make the baby herself. I seriously can't believe people think this is acceptable behaviour.


Legally, yes........morally...??

Say a guy doesnt want a kid......his girlfriend doesnt want a kid.....they agree....If birth control fails...she will get an abortion....

She changes her mind......doesnt tell her boyfriend and gets pregnant...so not only has she been deceiptful.....she is now going to make him repsonsible for it also,........

bad person.

Legally, she has every right. Doesnt make her any less of a bad person.

lemiwinks31
08-15-2011, 03:57 PM
"Releasing him of his responsibility" because she decides to keep the child?? Are you kidding? Sorry kiddies, if you decide to have sex you take on all the responsibilities that go with it. She didn't make the baby herself. I seriously can't believe people think this is acceptable behaviour.


That is pretty much the situation......if they agreed that if we have sex and get pregnant...we will NOT have a baby.....then she gets pregnant and decideds to have the baby......she pretty much made that decision by herself.

JayATee
08-15-2011, 04:06 PM
That is pretty much the situation......if they agreed that if we have sex and get pregnant...we will NOT have a baby.....then she gets pregnant and decideds to have the baby......she pretty much made that decision by herself.

Nope, he was as much a part of it as she was. Again, she didn't get pregnant by herself, she didn't inject herself with his sperm. Thank god there are laws that protect against exactly this pov. You have no right to walk away and leave her responsible for EVERYTHING simply because you don't feel like being involved. You were involved enough to make the decision not to use protection. You were involved enough to impregnate her. You can damn well be involved enough in the aftermath too. WTF gives you the right to make a child and not take responsibility for it? In what world is this right or ok?

Kellydancer
08-15-2011, 04:10 PM
Are you seriously passing judgement without knowing a god damned thing about the actual situation? I myself have gotten pregnant 3x's ALL while being exceptionally responsible about birth control. If you're not in a position or you simply don't want to have a child who the he'll is anyone else to tell you otherwise? Sorry but this fucking infuriates me. The only reason I kept this pregnancy is that I'm with a great guy who will be a great father and I'm financially sound enough to do it. Otherwise it would have been a 2nd abortion for me as well. Someone shared something personal in another thread and you talk shit about them? Really?? That's beyond fucked up.

No I am passing judgement on all women who get pregnant repeatedly when they don't want to, especially if they don't use birth control. In this day and age there really isn't much excuses to keep getting pregnant when there are many forms of birth control. Yes I am aware there are failure rates, however, repeatedly getting pregnant tells me someone needs to switch methods or use them correctly. I am tired of all these women who get pregnant without using birth control then find out they are pregnant then this happens AGAIN. Shouldn't they learn to prevent it the first time?

lemiwinks31
08-15-2011, 04:17 PM
Nope, he was as much a part of it as she was. Again, she didn't get pregnant by herself, she didn't inject herself with his sperm. Thank god there are laws that protect against exactly this pov. You have no right to walk away and leave her responsible for EVERYTHING simply because you don't feel like being involved. You were involved enough to make the decision not to use protection. You were involved enough to impregnate her. You can damn well be involved enough in the aftermath too. WTF gives you the right to make a child and not take responsibility for it? In what world is this right or ok?

they used protection......it failed. But they thought of that contingency....and they agreed that if it failed...they would have an abortion...BOTH of them agreed to that........so they would NOT under any circumstances have a baby.....they might get pregnant, but they would NOT have a baby.

The girl who breaks their agreement without telling the guy....and then expects him to still be responsible for it........bad person.

I'm not saying anything about the guy...

I am talking about THIS very specific example....nothing else... One night stands, any other situation, a girl should expect full support from the father.

lemiwinks31
08-15-2011, 04:23 PM
One argument at a time.....

OK..I'm not going to argue this point ....especially with a soon to be mommy. I think I am usually on the same page with you on most other stuff....

Best of luck on your pregnancy and a healthy happy baby.

pollywogg
08-15-2011, 04:57 PM
at LusciousSadie

True... he should be an equal... especially if he is willing to take equal responsibility

True... talk to a lawyer

Let me make myself more clear about the reason I recommend that you ask him to give up his legal rights if he does not want to be involved. He may change his mind and it can legally kidnap your child if he wants to and will have the power to force you to employ an attorney for the next 18 years. This is simply not a risk worth taking.

I've seen it happen, and I've experienced it.

It's very difficult to get an amber alert out on a guy who is named as the father or with joint custody. I've gone through this stuff twice... with my sons fathers and just recently with my girlfriend whose boyfriend slapped her with papers trying to take complete custody away from her while she was still in the hospital with the baby. Then he literally kidnapped the child and it was OK, because they have joint custody... she's spent at least 5 times as much money as she's received in child support on attorney fees and the fees are mounting. It's a nightmare. So I guess I'm super sensitive about the risks for those of you who think I'm going off the deep end here.

Like I said, it seems unlikely that something this drastic will happen, but you've made it clear that he's made it clear that he does not want to have the baby and you need to be prepared for what craziness could possibly await you.

He could turn his back on you and change his mind just like you did, as I stated before. How will you percieve this possible scenario? Bear in mind that men have a tendency to bully their way into things, I'm assuming due to their high testosterone levels. You know your guy... this tendency to bully was just mine and a lot of other women's experiences... You do not want him to be able to do something like what happened to me and my girlfriend and you can take this opportunity to avoid the situation, that's all I'm sayin ... if you end up being 100% responsible for your baby, you do not want to have someone else who chose to opt out for a while, to then suddenly come back in and wreak havoc because he has equal rights to your child. And courts are not necessarily always on the mothers side even when the child is an infant... and not all men respect the relationship between a newborn and an infant.

Furthermore, if he is ordered to pay child support, you cannot withhold visitation... not that you would want to do that, but you end up doing all the work and he becomes something like an every other weekend babysitter. This is the situation with another one of my girlfriends. She's spent 10,000 bucks trying to get child support and he refuses and she still has not gotten a dime, but he exercises his visitation. At least he's not trying to get custody and fortunately he let's her pretty much call the shots, so in a way this is good for her... she's simply come to grips with the situation by now.

Whatever happens I hope that it turns out well for you, because I will say this... if you have this child and his/her father doesn't go loony tunes on you, it will be a beautiful experience. And if you don't go through with it... you have to be prepared to forge forward and not feel bad about it, otherwise it truly would have been in vain.

Before I went through all the BS I went through, I never would have made this suggestion. It's just something to consider.

Optimist
08-15-2011, 05:32 PM
Thread cleaned. Feel free to pm to discuss your issues with each other. Just leave it out of the OP's thread. She has enough on her mind.

fitnessromi
08-15-2011, 07:08 PM
This is my two cents about it, I have 5 beautify children which I have never regretted having but considered having an abortion with all, and I have had 2 abortions that I have truly regretted.. The first 3 kids I was young 15,17,27 and they were all by surprise, but with that being said, they were a true blessing and saved me in a lot of ways. The last 2 I actually planned.. I havent been dancing for quite a while, I am a personal trainer now, and Im in better shape than I was 20 years ago( Im 40) yes babies mess up your body for a very brief time, if you only gain between 25-30 pounds you will get your body back within 12 weeks and probably wont get very many stretch marks if any.. You only need 1/3 more calories while being prego than what you would normally take in. I don't want you to think you body will be destroyed.. Think about it long and hard before you decide to abort, but if you decide to, do it soon, heart beat starts around 6 weeks.. Listen to your heart..

Trem
08-15-2011, 08:01 PM
"Releasing him of his responsibility" because she decides to keep the child?? Are you kidding? Sorry kiddies, if you decide to have sex you take on all the responsibilities that go with it. She didn't make the baby herself. I seriously can't believe people think this is acceptable behaviour.

Not only that but child support is the KIDS money, not hers. That's not money the father owes her, it's money the father owes his child and she is just in control of it. You have no right whatsoever to deprive your kid of that money any more than the father does.

JayATee
08-15-2011, 09:24 PM
not only that but child support is the kids money, not hers. That's not money the father owes her, it's money the father owes his child and she is just in control of it. You have no right whatsoever to deprive your kid of that money any more than the father does.

thank you!

sierra.
08-15-2011, 09:35 PM
Thanks again everyone.

I've decided to get an abortion, for all the reasons I've already mentioned and a few other ones I discovered when researching adoption and after talking with my doctor... for example, I take daily medications that are not safe to take while pregnant. If I was serious about having a child I would plan to not be able to take them, but they help me so much in my day to day life and that is yet another sacrifice I do not want to make right now, especially with trying to stay on top of school.

I feel confident and secure in my choice once again. I know that this is right for me. I do not have any doubts.

I will come back and make an update after I have the abortion (probably this weekend). Maybe it will help someone in a similar situation if anyone happens to come across this thread in the future.


Oh, and as far as my boyfriend goes in this situation, I know that ultimately this is my decision because it is my body, but in my personal opinion I still have the responsibility to hear my boyfriend out and consider what he wants. Every person and every relationship is different, so I don't think there is a clear cut right or wrong here. I just know that if I had continued the pregnancy, I would expect him to help me because he is my partner and supposed to care about me (not to mention he had a hand in it!), but because of our past conversations I would understand if he felt opposed to this or even resentful. He said if I kept the child to raise myself he would not want to be involved, but that he would have no problem paying child support.
It's impossible to say how this would've played out, and we honestly didn't talk about it that much because we ended up being on the same page in the end. Most of our conversations happened when we first found out, when emotions were running high and he was feeling a little freaked out (understandably). But thank you everyone who offered advice and experiences on this subject.

JayATee
08-15-2011, 09:39 PM
^ If you need anything please feel free to PM me. I've been through it all before. I know the wide range of emotions. If you need support in anyway please don't hesitate.

BringOnTheMen
08-16-2011, 12:08 AM
^ If you need anything please feel free to PM me. I've been through it all before. I know the wide range of emotions. If you need support in anyway please don't hesitate.

Same. I had a friend that talked it through with me and it helped SO much. I am always here to lend an ear.

Laurisa
08-16-2011, 10:29 AM
I'm glad you decided to have an abortion. You seemed to indicate that you wanted to have an abortion, but that external circumstances were causing internal conflict.

First off:
1.) Go to a 24 hour pharmacy next time. They sometimes require extra driving, but there is always Plan B available somewhere, 24 hours a day. Find out where the nearest 24 hour pharmacy is from your house and go there next time.
2.) Get on birth control after the abortion. If you are forgetful, use Implanon (which I have) or Mirena. It's affordable considering how long it lasts.
3.) Don't let people outside of you influence SERIOUS decisions, especially pregnancy related ones.
4.) I did fine after my c-section, but I didn't carry my son to term. He was born 2 1/2 months premature. Everyone is different, so your fears about losing your body were valid.
5.) Adoption is irreversible, and can be very difficult. It is impossible to say that if you had carried a child for 9 months, given birth, and held them that you wouldn't feel some attachment. You would then have to entrust their adoptive family with their care, forever.

I think that adoption is best reserved for women who do not believe in abortion, or who want to have the child but feel unready to parent the child, or were raped and do not want to parent the child. Anyone else shouldn't take part in an adoption, because it is likely guilt based.

Good luck with your abortion. I think you are doing the right thing for yourself. Remember, you can change your mind 100 times--but you can never undo birth, abortion, or adoption. Do what is right for you.

Also, in the future, whether or not your partner wants to raise a child is irrelevant. You have a right to parent the child and he has the legal obligation to support the child. The state would help you get child support and determine paternity through a court ordered DNA test if necessary. Don't allow lack of support to drive you in any direction.

eagle2
08-17-2011, 06:34 PM
First off:
1.) Go to a 24 hour pharmacy next time. They sometimes require extra driving, but there is always Plan B available somewhere, 24 hours a day. Find out where the nearest 24 hour pharmacy is from your house and go there next time.


I'm pretty sure you can also get it at a hospital emergency room, although some Catholic hospitals may not distribute it.

If you're mainly relying on condoms for birth control, it's probably a good idea to keep Plan B at home so it's available if this should ever happen again.

Elvia
08-17-2011, 06:40 PM
However, on the other hand, I feel like I have this voice inside of me saying "What? You want to get an abortion so you can stay hot and be a STRIPPER?"



I agree that this reason by itself is a terrible reason to get an abortion. I remember reading gypsys "im pregnant" thred from a few yrs ago and thought it totally dumb when one member told her "but ur just getting into ur rhythm with stripping!!" I agree stripping is a temp for-now job that people like u and gypsy do/did just to get thru school.



Well, I disagree entirely. I think that's a perfectly valid reason to get an abortion. Maybe the rest of you ladies are in a position to just be able to switch careers, but I know i certainly wouldn't be. Being able to continue supporting myself is a VERY good reason to have an abortion, IMO.

Laurisa
08-17-2011, 06:43 PM
^^+1. Especially for me, I already have a special needs child. I can't compromise his standard of living--or mine--for a 6 week old fetus!

Kellydancer
08-17-2011, 10:19 PM
Well, I disagree entirely. I think that's a perfectly valid reason to get an abortion. Maybe the rest of you ladies are in a position to just be able to switch careers, but I know i certainly wouldn't be. Being able to continue supporting myself is a VERY good reason to have an abortion, IMO.

I don't think it really depends on whether one wants to continue stripping but rather whether one wants to have a child or not. I've known quite a few strippers who had done both, had abortions or become pregnant and keep it. I worked with a girl who wasn't ready to have a kid but kept it because she really wanted a baby. She danced until she was showing, then she came back two months after birth. Now in her case she had a husband and that makes a difference. Women without the man in her life have it entirely different and rougher.

Personally if I get pregnant now, even if unexpected I would keep it unless rape or my health. I'm in a different spot than many though. I did have a pregnancy scare while dancing and to be honest no idea if I would have kept it. The father (who was my then live-in boyfriend) would have abandoned me and I would have struggled. Not long after I moved out.

mediocrity
08-18-2011, 07:07 AM
The bottom line is, no one "needs" a reason to have an abortion. If you feel you want one, do it. If you don't, then don't. No justification needed.

Sierra, I'm glad you made the right decision for YOU. Good luck with your procedure. If you go to a good, reputable place, I promise physically it's a snap.

If you have emotional needs, don't be afraid to ask for help. This time is all about you. Grieve if you need to, or brush it off and get Starbucks like I did. Whatever you feel, don't beat yourself up and feel guilty. You're smart and mature it appears. Stay strong and don't doubt yourself.

mediocrity
08-18-2011, 07:10 AM
It isn't heartless, it's realistic. Laurisa has serious tenacity and maturity beyond her years for stepping up and dealing with what's on her plate right now. What she said was just the truth. When I had my abortions, I too said I wasn't going to give my life up for some potential human being I didn't know, and having a kid would have both ruined my already tenuous health and my life. It takes a sure sense of self to be able to recognize what you can handle.

Optimist
08-18-2011, 07:39 AM
This thread is concluded since the issue the OP asked for support on is decided. Feel free to start a new thread on the issue of abortion as many members have a pssionate interest in debating it! :)